04x06 - The WeHo Ho

[bunniefuu]

Hello, E, what a pleasant pick-me-up start to my morning.

Yeah, blow me too, Ari.

Whoo, sugar mouth!

All the blood just rushed to my power source. What's up?

We don't want to do the movie with Walsh.

What do you mean? Just what I said.

We want to find another director. Another director?

Are you out of your mind? What, has Walsh been teasing you again?

The guy called me a liar and a thief.

Sticks and stones.

You can't throw away a movie just 'cause you can't get along.

Well, it's Vince's decision, not mine, Ari, so let's move on.

I don't think you realize that I pulled off a miracle here.

48 hours ago, Vince was unemployable.

He wants to do the movie, just not with Walsh. What's the big deal?

The big deal is I sold them on a package...

The "Medellin" package.

We start saying that part of that package is no good and they start asking questions that we're not prepared to answer, like "is 'Medellin' really that good?"

Do you want to answer that, E?

That's what I thought. Now...

You're supposed to be in Dana Gordon's office this afternoon.

I want you to talk to Vince again before I cancel.

I parted the red sea for you, E.

Don't piss on the sand.

That Ari?

Yep. He's not happy. No.

You are gonna be delighted when you taste these fresh, hand-picked strawberry waffles.

Nice. Where do you pick waffles from?

Clever, E.

Look at that big fat bad boy I saved just for you.

Thank you very much, Drama.

Walsh again. You gonna answer?

Yeah, well, let's see. His last e-mail: "Admit you leaked my trailer and die."

So no, I don't think so.

You know what? f*ck Ari if he's not happy.

We obviously can't work like this which is too bad because "Lost in the Clouds" would have been a great movie with Billy directing.

Don't worry, Vince. We'll find another great director, even if I have to find him myself.

Anyone interested in driving out to Palmdale with me to see my cousin Ronnie?

No.

Haven't we been through this already, Turtle?

Yo, I'm telling you, guys, he says he has a little money-making venture.

And in my house, when cousin Ronnie talks, like E.F. Hutton, you better f*ckin' listen.

Why do you have so much confidence in this guy again?

Are you kidding, Vin? You know the guy always knew how to make a buck.

You don't remember? He was the first guy on our block to have a foreign car.

The first guy to have an in-ground pool.

The first guy to have aluminum siding.

Yeah, and the first guy to have it all seized by the government.

Yeah, that's 'cause he didn't pay his taxes not 'cause he wasn't rollin' in the green.

All right, what's the investment opportunity?

Now he wouldn't say on the phone, which means... he's on the inside, as usual.

Now, who's in? Not me.

I'll drive out to the desert with you, Turtle, maybe hit the outlets along the way.

But don't count on me parting with any cash.

Like I ever do.

Is there a fax waiting for me? I don't think so.

Just got off the phone with Dana Gordon.

She said she sent over Vinnie's offer an hour ago. I haven't seen it.

Well, get up, open your eyes wide and go find it.

Zoom zoom.

Hey, dumbfuck!

Please don't be mean to me today, Ari.

Is this not an offer with Vinnie's name on it?

Yes, it is. I apologize. What's wrong with you?

Speak!

Tom broke up with me. Oh, Jesus.

And I don't know what to do.

Well, I tell you what you don't do:

You don't bring it into work with you and you don't bring it to me, okay?

Because you know that me thinking about you and Tom doing... you know, makes me sick.

So let's focus on work and not on Tom and everything's going to be okay. Okay?

Okay.

Get E on the horn so I can tell him Vinnie is the six million dollar man.

That should knock some sense into him. Maybe.

How long should I just sit in here?

Oh, I forgot to tell you... Your 10:00 a.m. Is here.

You forgot to tell me I had a 10:00 a.m., Lloyd.

Mr. Walsh!

How are you, Mr. Walsh?

I'll tell you after you tell me what kind of deal I'm gonna get if I let you be my agent.

Well, when I spoke to you yesterday, you didn't tell me that there was a problem between you and E.

Now, unless you handle that, there's not gonna be any deal and I'm not gonna be able to represent you.

I've been trying to handle it all morning, but I can't get the pale prick on the phone. Maybe you can.

I'm sure I can, Billy. That's what I do. I connect people.

Lloyd!

Give me one second.

Lloyd! Snap out of it.

Did you call E? Oh, jeez...

Well, call him now. Forget the offer.

Ask him if he and Vince will please come here immediately.

And tell him that I used the word "please," all right?

Okay, Ari. But Ari?

Yes? Do you mind dialing?

In my traumatized state this morning, I forgot to put in my contacts.

Billy, I'll be right there.

Why do you have to be so skeptical about everything, Drama?

Only because I care about you, Turtle, and I don't want to see your little hopes get dashed.

You're just jealous 'cause you never cashed in on any of cousin Ronnie's windfalls in the past.

My talent is my windfall.

And you, sadly, and I mean no disrespect by this, don't have a talent.

So, for you to take all your cash and to flush...

My talent is knowing my limitations, which is why I'm only putting half my money in.

So don't sweat it.

This is the place.

This is where he's staying? Yep.

Oh, yeah. He's rolling in it.

Get out of the car, you punk! Jesus Christ!

Ha!

You scared the hell out of me, Ronnie...

What's up, Drama?

What, now that you're a big celeb, I'm sure this sh*t happens to you all the time, right?

Well... Hey, congrats on the show.

You been watching? I have. It's terrible.

Eh, but I heard the networks pay big bucks, so who gives a f*ck, right?

Turtle, come here. Give me a hug! How are you?

Good. What's going on?

Ah, you know, just wheelin' and dealin'.

So, what do you got for us?

Let's go upstairs. I don't want to talk out here.

Huh. Good to see you guys, man!

Great to see you. This your car, Ronnie?

d*ck.

I'm just saying, don't let Ari get to you.

Why would he get to me? If he yells at you, I mean.

Oh, all of the sudden I'm Mr. Sensitive?

Ha! You have been getting in a lot of fights lately.

I won't let him get to me.

You promise? I promise.

m*therf*cker! E!

What the f*ck is this? I have no idea.

Just take it easy. He comes bringing peace.

I'm waving the white flag, Suit. Why?

Because I was wrong and I'm sorry.

So you're admitting I didn't leak the trailer?

I am.

That's why he came here this morning.

He said that you wouldn't call him back, though.

He sent an e-mail at 4:00 a.m. Threatening to k*ll me.

Then at 5:00 a.m., my editor called and told me that he got pissed at his girl last week and put a video of him giving her a facial on cumfiesta. Com.

She got back at him with my trailer, ourtrailer.

You're a real assh*le, you know that?

I'm man enough to admit when I've been acting like one.

Admit the other thing, Billy.

I love "Lost in the Clouds," Vin.

I read that book four times. I could sh**t the sh*t out of that thing.

We don't doubt that. Okay now, so...

Are we gonna make this movie?

Are we gonna go talk to Dana Gordon? What do you say, boys?

E?

Come on, E! As much as we fight, you know I think of you and Vinnie as family.

Want to climb this mountain together? We'll k*ll it.

Sure.

Come here, you m*therf*cker.

Ah! Would you look at that? Love is in the air!

Huh? Is this beautiful or what, Lloyd?

Come and join us in a group hug!

Could be a while before you get some.

Aw, come on! I was just teasing, Lloyd!

It was a joke! I'll be right back.

Lloyd!

Llo-o-o-oyd!

They don't f*ck each other, do they?

Come on, I was just trying to cheer you up, Lloyd!

There is no cheering me up, Ari. My life is over.

It's not over! Yes, it is.

Without Tom, my life is empty.

Lloyd! An empty vase!

Why a vase? Because Tom was a flower.

He was, Ari!

He was a rose, a bright red rose in the massive oil spill of life.

And without him, everything is just... gooky!

Don't laugh at me, Ari! I'm not laughing, Lloyd, but "gooky" is funny. I need to take a leave of absence.

No, you don't. I do! I am...

No, you don't! Lloyd! You're a rising star in this company.

No time for maternity leave. Sorry, Ari.

Lloyd, you're gonna set yourself back years!

What will I do?!

50 grand, huh? Uh-huh.

And I'm letting you in on this because you're my blood and I love you... And I can only raise 30 grand on my own

'cause the IRS, those cocksuckers, froze my assets again.

And so you need 20 grand, then? What are you, Rain Man?

That's what I just told you.

So'd you bring it, or what?

I got it. It's a check. It's good.

There you go!

Last of my Saigon money.

Just what is this investment already?

Baseball memorabilia. Baseball memorabilia?

Notjust any baseball memorabilia.

I'm talking about a Sandy Koufax game-used home jersey from '66.

50 grand for a jersey?!

That ain't sh*t, Drama. It's gonna be worth twice as much as that.

At least. How do you know?

My father, the prick, is obsessed with Sandy.

Mm-hmm. He bought a condo in St. Paul

'cause Sandy was living in the same development.

So?

So, my father, the demented f*ck that he is, makes his tee time the same as Sandy's every Wednesday.

So what, Ronnie? So Sandy hasn't teed off in weeks.

Wait, I don't follow, why not?

Jesus Christ, you guys are f*ckin' slow, huh?

Sandy's finished. He's done.

His place is a hospice.

White coats coming and going for the last two weeks.

Just a matter of time.

Sandy Koufax is gonna die?

Jesus Christ, that's terrible.

Yeah, indeed, it is. My father, he's been a wreck for weeks.

But hey, we gotta make a buck, right?

Could you imagine being able to buy a Picasso a week before his demise? We can!

Hmm.

So you can pack the camera in the snow, have it pointing straight down the face of the cliff and then...

Vinnie's beautiful mug pops out, just those big blue eyes with the bright, white snow surrounding them. It'll be magical.

Sounds like it. What do you think, E?

Sounds great.

Hi... Guys. I'm really sorry, but I called Ari's office earlier this morning and asked if the meeting could be pushed back an hour.

I'm really sorry no one told you. I hope that's okay.

Actually, little lady, it ain't.

So would you please call Dana and tell her that I gotta be at the track at 4:15 so she better hustle on down here or I will be gone!

Is this how they run sh*t down at Ari's shop?

Relax, I'm calling.

Okay, I'm sorry.

How do you spell that? Is that, uh, M-u-r-f...

No no no, "P."

...f-p-h-e-y.

And you work with Vincent Chase?

Look, just have him call E, okay?

Okay, um, E...

Who the f*ck are you and what are you doing?

Oh, uh... Uh... hi, I'm... Hello?

Ari, what's going on?

E, I'm sorry, I'm having a little assistant meltdown.

Why aren't you in the meeting with Dana Gordon?

Dana pushed the meeting, but no one told us.

Oh, tell Eric the meeting was pushed back an hour.

I just saw this!

Listen, is there any way you can wait it out, buddy?

Yeah, we're fine. I'm not fine!

Although Walsh is really pissed. Let me talk to him.

Ari wants to talk to you.

f*ck Ari! Tell him I haven't signed those agency papers yet.

Ari... I heard him.

I'll talk to you later. Later. Listen.

Let me know how it goes.

I need a f*cking assistant!

As I was saying, Mr. Gold, I'm Glen...

Uh, Glen Holden. I'm gonna come off Eric Siegel's desk until...

How do I know you?

You fired me from the mailroom two years ago, but then you realized you were wrong, so you hired me back.

No, I... I can get the job done. Just tell me what you like.

No, I don't tell you what I like.

My old assistant is supposed to tell you what I like.

And then he is supposed to seamlessly train you so that the only change in my life comes when I have to write out a Christmas bonus check.

Okay, Mr. Gold, please lookit.

I'm just gonna... Get out of here, Glen.

Where... Where do you want me to go? Anywhere but here or I will k*ll you.

Do you want me to get you someone else?

No, I only want Lloyd and I will get him myself!

Stop looking at me like that.

We were never guys who were about money, Turtle.

We were always guys who were about integrity.

Hmm.

Is that what got you to do that commercial where you and your wife had a bad case of the runs at the opera?

That was a national spot.

And I got a chance to show a lot of range.

All right, look, Drama, I don't feel great about this either.

But if we don't buy it, somebody else will.

Besides, I can't let Ronnie down.

You know how many times he gave my mother money when my father wouldn't?

If I don't do it, he won't be able to.

So, if you still want in for half, you got it.

It's blood money, Turtle.

So, never. Never never never.

Let's go make a bundle, huh?

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Why does this guy look so morbid? He always looks morbid.

Game-wornjersey! Bidding starts at $1,000. Do I hear $1,500?

$1,500! Do I hear $2,000? $2,000 in the back!

I am so sorry about the mix-up.

Hey, we got nothing better to do, right?

How are you guys?

Hey, Dana. It's great to see you.

Why don't you come on in my office?

So, we are hoping to go into production in 12 weeks.

And we've got a preliminary budget estimate of $55 million.

55, well that is obviously ridiculous.

Is it? There's not even a script yet.

Well, I'd be writing the script, right?

And I know this book inside out.

And as big as it is, I want to visualize it bigger.

I want the blizzard to make the... The desert in "Lawrence of Arabia" look like a f*cking sandbox.

And I won't speak for anybody else in this room, but for me, after what I just pulled off on "Medellin" with no budget, I'd rather wait to collect my gold statue and have dollars start flying at me than get involved in an underfinanced project again.

So you think you're gonna win an Oscar for "Medellin," Billy?

I'd bet my left pinkie that me and Vince are both gonna get one, and E might even be lucky enough to ride our coattails right onto that stage.

Listen, you mind if I use your private shitter?

I just gotta piss, but the one in the hallway stank like a refugee boat.

Sure, go ahead.

He's quite a character.

Yeah. He's all bluster.

But he knows exactly what he's doing.

Well, it's kinda weird.

I mean, he's foul and grotesque, conceited and abhorrent.

But I kinda like him.

Hello? Livin' large, Lloyd.

Looks like I'm paying you too much.

I have family money, Ari. And it hasn't affected my work ethic at all, so don't make fun of me. I'm not making fun of you, Lloyd.

I'm... I'm here because I need you back.

Listen, the best way to get over a breakup is a distraction, and the best distraction is work.

Work is the reason we broke up, Ari.

Tom hated that I was never home, he hated my hours.

Work ripped us apart.

Work ruined everything, Ari!

Lloyd!

I will come back to you when Tom comes back to me, Ari!

Okay? Goodbye! Lloyd!

Lloyd!

I just wanna do the paddle.

Oh ho ho, no. You're not in.

So I'm raising the paddle.

You're a real d*ck, you know that?

And now, for our featured auction item of the day:

Lot 235... A 1966 Sandy Koufax home flannel jersey.

Where the hell's Ronnie? Here he is, move over.

Shows nice game use, no alterations of any kind.

It's from Sandy's third Cy Young season.

Where the hell you been? On the phone with my father.

My brother ratted me out, told him what I was doing.

How'd he take it? He's heartbroken, the prick.

Yeah, I'm with him.

You could still get out, Ronnie, save your soul.

As many of you know, Sandy was supposed to be here to sign some autographs, but sadly, he was unable to make the trip.

Anyway, let the bidding begin at $20,000.

I have $20,000... f*ck it, I'm in.

Do I have 21? Really?

Since the news is official. Do I hear 22?

22. Do I have 24?

24. Do I have 25? 25?

25! 25.

Do we have 28? 28! Do we have 31?

31!

31. Do I hear 35?

Give me $35,000! $35,000!

Give me 40! Give me $40,000!

Do we have 40? 40.

40! Do we have $42,000? I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Why why why why?

I can't do this to my father. I can't do this to Sandy.

I got $43,000! I'm sorry!

Ronnie, Ronnie! Ronnie! No!

What the f*ck we supposed to do now?

Don't worry about it. I'll cover his share.

45!

$45,000 right there! Do I have 48?

Billy, are you sure you can have a sh**t script done in six weeks?

Oh, no doubt. I came up with the first act while I was stinking up the skirt's bathroom.

Just promise me you won't take a job That could interfere. I promise.

Beautiful. Whoa!

Billy, nice car! Yeah, it's my girl's father's.

You're not the only one mooching luxury items off somebody, Suit! Later!

Late!

What's up?

You haven't said a word in like half an hour.

How could I say a word? He doesn't shut the f*ck up.

You know he likes to talk. I can't do this, Vince.

Do what? This movie, not with him.

Come on, you got the apology. What more do you want?

I want to get along with the people I work with, all right?

Life's too short to spend another year being f*cking abused and you should respect that. I respect it, I do.

But what now?

Excuse me, hey. Yes?

I'm wondering if you know where Tom is?

Ah! I am Tom.

You're Tom? Yes.

Lloyd's Tom? I used to be.

Who are you? I don't get it.

You're a good looking guy. You can get girls.

Ari.

How you... How'd you know? Well, it's just a sketch, but Lloyd uses your face as a dartboard.

Really? He's a really good artist.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, over here. Look, I'm already on Finish Line probation, so I gotta make myself look busy.

What are you, seven and a half, eight?

Uh, 11, Tom? Really?

Yeah. Okay.

So, what, did he send you down here?

No no, I came down here on my own.

I heard a lot about your problems with Lloyd... That he's never home, that he's too career-oriented.

You gonna tell me he's not? No no no. He is, he is.

But let me ask you something though, man:

Do you want a guy who's gonna provide a great home for you, or some cooze who's on the couch every day watching Oprah at 4:00?

Oprah's on at 3:00, Ari.

And, look... Yeah, I do hate Lloyd's hours. Take a seat.

But, you know, I'm a guy.

I understand career goals.

Uh... So, what's... what's the problem?

The problem is he couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants.

He cheated on me, Ari. No... Lloyd cheated on you?

No, he didn't, he would never... Are you serious?

Yeah, it's true. I caught him.

In the act? Like, he was...

Well, no... No, I didn't catch him in the act, but, you know, I was suspicious Friday night.

He said he was going down to The Abbey.

I parked my car out front. He never showed.

Never. I confronted him and, you know, he said that he didn't want to be interrogated like that.

Lloyd... Lloyd was with me Friday night.

He was with you? Yes.

At "The Bourne Ultimatum" premiere.

Until like 2:00 a.m.! That is bullshit!

No no no no! I... you know what?

I think I even have a picture of it in my phone.

Why wouldn't he tell me that? He told me that if he told you that he was working on another Friday night, that you would tell him that it was over.

You tell him that?

Oh my gosh! I... I mean... maybe I did...

You did. You did.

Lloyd is the best guy I know. He would never cheat on you.

Oh, man. I feel awful.

You cheated on Tom?! What?

You little f*ckin' slut, Lloyd!

I don't know what you're talking about, Ari.

I just saw Tom.

He came to the office? I went to his.

He told me what you did. Lloyd!

I couldn't help it, Ari! It's been all the pressure.

And I met this cute barista at The Coffee Bean who I never thought would like me. But he did like me, he did.

It was a one-time thing. I go to Starbucks now.

But I ruined everything.

No, you didn't ruin everything, 'cause I saved it.

Saved it? What do you mean?

You were with me Friday night at "The Bourne Ultimatum" premiere.

I was?

Get your ass back to the office within the hour and I will stick to that story.

Let me tell you something, Lloyd:

I love a liar, but I hate a cheater. See ya!

Wait, Ari!

Yeah? I can't believe you did this for me.

I like you, Lloyd. What can I say?

Say you'll let me take you and the wife to dinner with Tom, a couples dinner. I don't like you that much.

Get your ass back to the office and get that f*ckin' dartboard down off your wall!

Huh?

$62,000. This was supposed to go for no more than 50.

What's the difference? It'll cut into our profit margin a bit is all.

Ah, the Koufax bidders.

That's us. You guys big fans?

Oh, die-hards. We're New Yorkers.

Sandy would've been really pleased to meet you guys.

Such a shame he couldn't get out here.

Yeah, it would've been a great thrill.

Sad, really. Hasn't left his house in a month.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

Yeah, we'd be devastated if something happened to Sandy.

Sandy's as well as can be expected.

His dog's been sick for months.

He did everything he could, but he finally succumbed.

His dog?

His beloved giant schnauzer, Pee Wee.

Made it to 19. That's pretty good for a dog.

But you know what?

Next month, Sandy's gonna be out here for the celebrity pro-am.

He's favored as usual... Healthy as a clam.

Maybe you guys can catch him then.

Maybe.

I'm gonna k*ll your cousin, Turtle.

k*ll him. Mm-hmm.

Tom, you know I saw and loved "Dreamgirls" when it was in the theater, but I will gladly watch it again with you tonight.

I saw it with my mother. Tom...

Just tell us what our options are, Ari.

Well, let's see. We can all drink poison Gatorade and hope that the next life is better than this one.

Come on, E. You drink first.

Vince, you really want to throw away a go movie?

E, it's your job to help him to get the movies that he wants, not to f*ck them up!

Ari, you know he's helped me get everything I've ever wanted.

Come on, all right. So, you don't like it when people talk down to you.

People talk down to me every day.

If I let go of all my clients that talk down to me, he'd be the only one I had left.

I mean, Jesus, man, after all he's done for you, swallow your pride and take one for the team.

Vince, tell him that you wanna do this movie.

He knows I wanna do the movie.

And he knows that I don't.

Look, I shouldn't be producing anyway.

You wanna do this movie? I'll sit this one out.

Here comes the Irish guilt.

There's no guilt, all right? The truth is, I don't like standing around on sets anyway.

That's not why I came out here.

I'll go back to managing and find the next project.

Boom! Problem solved.

He goes back to being a manager, I get him paid as a producer anyway.

Lottery strikes again for you, E.

Are you sure about this? Yeah.

And as your manager, I'm sure of something else.

Oh, yeah? What?

You shouldn't be doing this movie, not with Billy.

Jesus, f*ck.

And it's not my pride. It's because I think Walsh has peaked.

And I think his best days are behind him.

And I think he f*cked up "Medellin."

Now, you know I don't agree with you on that.

Nor do I.

You haven't seen it. I'm against you either way.

It's your choice, Vince. It is your choice.

It's your life. He's just a passenger lucky to have a seat.

I'm gonna do the movie. Boom!

There you go! I'll have a $2 million advance check cut for you today! How horrible!

Lloyd! Bring in some bubbly!

We're doing a little celebrating.

Are you sure about this? Yeah. I just wanted to be heard.

Well, you were. Yeah, I guess I was.