04x08 - I Am the Table

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

We're gonna be doing some remodeling around here.

We could save money if we didn't use a contractor.

I could do it. You're hired.

I turn 18 in a few weeks.

I'm not waiting.

We should be coyotes.

That guy who brought over davenport and marzipan was such an assh*le.

Whoa!

Why can't you buy your dr*gs in the u.s. Like a normal person?

I have no health insurance, no money, and an arrest record.

Xanax?

Yes! Yes.

I want some.

How about I sell you 300 pounds at 25 bucks a gram?

f*ck you. That's more than street value.

You don't like it, do something else.

I need to habla with esteban.

Estamos aquí hoy para...

"We are here to inaugurate this mobile medical unit."

I want a piece of the next weed shipment.

You work for guillermo. There's a chain of command.

But he said no.

I came to you first.

Thanks...

Hola. Boss says time to start.

Boss?

Bubblicious or rhythm field?

I like bubblicious, but it's on back order, and rhythm field fell off a truck, so there may not be enough.

What happened to the solid subway tile field with hex tiles on the floor?

I want to give you options.

You're the contractor, not the designer.

I can't express my opinion?

Why don't we discuss this after school?

Surf dicks and gym class.

Can't wait.

It's your first day. Give it a chance.

A chance for what? More emotional scarring?

I don't see why I have to go to school if silas doesn't.

You're our one sh*t at legitimacy.

No, I'm not. I'm very corrupt. I'm a contractor.

Shane...

Stop it.

You're gonna go to school, and then you're gonna grow up and become a doctor or a lawyer or a business executive.

That's my copper pipe.

You're late. I hope you have a good excuse.

Is your mother home?

I'm the guy you need to deal with.

Shane, you need to call off your worker bees.

Cesar. Good morning.

How do you know my pipe guy?

You want to choose tile? Fine. But I hire the subs, mom.

Shane. Not your pipe guy.

He would like to see you.

I have to take my kid to school, and then I have work, so maybe later on this afternoon?

No?

All right.

Shane: great.

I'm being dropped off in a limo with mexican plates.

So much for flying under the radar.

I'm so dead.

New school.

First-day jitters.

Sometimes you eat the bear.

Sometimes the bear eats you.

Yeah, I'll remember that when they're wrapping the tetherball cord around my neck.

Some people are victims because they allow themselves to be.

That's right, shane. So don't allow it.

Eat the bear.

Here's $10 for lunch in case you're still hungry after.

Can't I do drug things with you guys?

He's going to get his ass kicked.

He's used to it.

Mom.

Mom!

m*therf*cker!

Sorry, baby.

Jail reflex.

You've got to take me to school.

Isn't there, like, a bus or something?

For some reason, the cordial suites la jolla isn't on their route.

Just drop me on your way to work.

Okay.

Okay.

And you've got to change and shower, and you need to give me $10 for lunch and you have to fill out the enrollment forms.

Hand mommy her pills.

How about a breakfast bar?

Maybe I'll walk.

Good girl.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garza, slow down, slow down.

Plenty of matzo to go around.

This is what my people ate as we wandered the desert for 40 years...

At least in the beginning.

Then we switched to manna, which fell from the sky.

Doesn't really happen anymore.

I'm thinking it's either global warming or god is dead.

I haven't committed either way yet.

So, thoughts?

40 Years?

Moses...

Wasn't half the coyote I am.

Okay, everybody check their supply bag.

You should all have breath mints, a portable fan, and a copy of "padre rico, padre pobre."

If anyone's illiterate, I have a few copies on tape.

That's a nice tree, huh?

Looks like someone had a fiesta here.

Is violar mata.

r*pe tree.

These are from girls who have been under this tree with evil men.

Oh. Yikes.

Uh, okay.

Everyone, let's move over there where the scenery's a little less... Rapey.

Hi.

Hi. Do you guys sell sandwiches?

No. Sorry.

People just don't get it.

We're a gourmet shop, not a sandwich shop.

What about gourmet sandwiches?

I mean, you got your bread, your meat, every spread on the planet...

Just slap them all together, take out your big Kn*fe...

s*ab you with it?

Shouldn't you be in school?

Is money not the goal of this operation?

Big divorce settlement, huh?

Trust fund?

Money is very much the goal of this operation.

I got screwed in the divorce settlement, and, no...

There is no trust fund.

You might want to think about making some sandwiches.

You are forbidden to say the word "sandwich"

In my presence.

Fine.

Or "sammich." Or "sammy."

It's all unacceptable.

If you're so into gourmet, why are you smoking this?

It's like the cheez whiz of pot.

You're some big expert?

That's a bad blend.

It was harvested probably a year ago and too soon.

It's dried out.

It's full of enough mold to cure strep.

I'm thinking you bought it off one of rad's friends.

How do you know so much about weed?

Same way you know so much about cheese.

It's my business.

I am f*cking a teenage drug dealer?

Grower. Small scale. Soon-to-be dealer.

And we make love.

Oh. Oh, do we?

What's the greatest cheese ever?

But are we talking sheep, goat...

Yeah. That cheese.

This is better.

Oh, my god.

I've been smoking cheez whiz.

Entonces, guillermo.

Last week, nancy received a portion of your shipment.

¿Verdad? Sí.

I instructed you to give her that portion, and you did.

Sí.

You gave her that portion, and then, from what I hear, you announced that you would k*ll "the marimacha bitch in front of her children."

But I didn't instruct you to do that, did i?

No, I did not.

Now, guillermo, you know I don't like to micromanage.

I work with people who do their jobs well, and I leave them to do it.

However, slaughtering a co-worker, in front of witnesses, no less, has to be cleared with upper management.

And your request is denied.

Julio's just doesn't travel well.

You know, in the restaurant, this is delicious.

Entonces, guillermo, nothing bad is gonna happen to nancy, right?

Course not.

I am glad to hear that.

I will increase your commission for shipments.

You should live to enjoy your money.

Gracias.

Good.

Everyone's friends again.

You may go.

Unh-unh, not you.

You stay.

What's a marimacha?

Oh, that's an offensive term for a lesbian woman.

Oh.

You hungry?

Well, it smells great, but you just said it didn't travel well.

No, we'll go to the source.

Someone make that noise stop!

Ugh!

Señora, that is three times today.

You're allowing criminals into our business.

Where's nancy? I'm lonely.

You're back there with your g*n and your puzzles, movies...

I've just got the donkey that plays "pop goes the weasel" 40 million time...

I don't feel good.

Señora! Despierte!

Señora. Oye.

Breathe in.

Oh, ignacio.

Okay.

Not here, though.

Que? No, no.

Levántate.

Up. Come on.

What happened?

You take too many dr*gs.

You need to keep better care of this store.

Of yourself.

What did you just give me?

Stay awake.

Now your own store. Sí?

I'm on it.

The store is me.

I'm tingly.

Okay, mama. Let's get you dressed.

Any action?

Nah.

I think the word's out this is a pretty tough point to cross.

We're doing good work here, wilson.

f*ck, yeah.

No immigrants storming through to steal fruit-picking jobs from hardworking americans on my watch, my friend.

My Ret*rded cousin, tom, used to be a janitor.

No more. Mexican took his job.

After he got caught trying to f*ck a mop, but still.

Shocking. That's just shocking.

You know that woman I showed you on my phone the other night?

Freaky steroid chick?

She left me.

Is that good or bad?

She was my masterpiece.

Six months of injections...

I took her from 130 to 215 with a bmi of 18.6.

She was two weeks away from an adam's apple.

There'll be others.

Not like hope.

Sometimes, after making love...

She'd dead-lift me.

Now, that's one of a kind.

Anyway.

This is desert eagle, heading back to h.q.

Here we go.

I will lead you now.

You shall be a free people!

Good idea. No time to waste.

Yep.

Lady liberty beckons.

This is big and tall, checkpoint five.

Not a bean on the tortilla.

I repeat, not a bean on the tortilla.

All clear. No spic, just span.

Over.

Davenport.

Aquí. Ihola! Welcome to america. Happy days.

Have you seen this girl? Anybody?

Ah, nice to have you here.

Have you seen her? María? ¿Sí? ¿No?

María? Nothing?

We did it, man.

We sure did. We did.

What do we do with them now?

No idea.

So you are not a lesbian.

Um, around guillermo, I am.

Made it easier to be friends... When we were friends, before he wanted to k*ll me in front of my children.

Oh, don't worry.

It is fixed.

Man: don esteban! Don esteban!

Oh, you don't need a menu.

You order what you like.

Julio will make it, and if he can't, he'll find it.

Order anything.

Elk.

Sí.

Wait, wait.

I'm kidding.

Um, make the best thing that you make.

Dos.

Look at you and your sway.

Yes.

It's like you're out with the mayor.

Much like that.

I have to pee.

Holy sh*t.

Our food might take a little while.

Do you have any neosporin?

Neosporin?

Um...

Twizzlers.

Some tampons.

I might have a tide stick.

Sit. Sit down.

I'm thinking we should go out for chinese. Sit.

Sit.

You never sipped from your beer after you toasted the crowd.

That's very bad luck.

I don't like to drink from the bottle.

All right.

But clearly, that's not your issue.

Not my issue.

But then, I have trouble breathing after I've been sh*t at, which, clearly, you don't, so...

I guess we all have our things.

Another school. Another first day.

Another sweaty glass of social stigma.

We're interesting and worthwhile people, isabel.

Yeah.

Well, if only life were a judd apatow movie where geeks ruled the world.

But it's not, so let's just suck it up.

Chip?

No, thanks.

Hey, who's the king of the school?

The most popular, most athletic, most often-laid guy here?

I guess it's dan.

Everyone wants to be friends with dan.

Hi. I'm shane.

Hey. Hi. I'm dan.

Don't f*ck with me.

Ow.

Medium, large, large, small, petite...

Petite maternity.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Do you have this in blue?

Nice choice!

$42.99...

Please.

Do you want it in a box? In a bag? In a box in a bag?

I actually just want it in blue.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've already checked the racks.

Can you just check in the back for me, please? Good idea.

Soccer shoe. Soccer shoe.

The preggies keep coming.

We call it fútbol. Igol!

So?

So, what?

Do you have it in blue?

Just get it in green.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Who's next?

Let's go!

You think maybe they want to close up?

We've been here a while.

When I finish my coffee, we'll go.

Who was trying to k*ll you?

Maybe the mzo.

Maybe the mexicate.

And let me guess. You're the hot sauce.

I am the table.

How often do people sh**t at you?

They mostly sh**t at each other.

And the occasional bystander?

I cannot control the streets.

Streets that provide the latest in mobile healthcare.

My success in business allows me to give back to the community.

Take a little blood, give a little blood.

You question my motives?

Soothing your conscience at the expense of others.

You question my motives.

You're bleeding again. It's your...

No, no. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Maybe if you put it under your pillow you can get a dollar from the shrapnel fairy.

Well, it's part of the job.

If people see you're afraid, they do not vote for you.

Nothing scares you?

Nothing.

That's a lie. You're afraid of dirty beer bottles.

I'm not afraid. I just don't like them.

Snakes? Fine with snakes.

Failure? Not a problem.

Heights.

Are you afraid of heights?

Yeah.

What are you afraid of?

Oh...

Calm.

Before the storm?

The storm I can weather.

Come with me.

Okay. Adiós, adiós.

Adiós.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

Lake davenport, florida.

Big fish.

Lobster boy.

Jeb bush.

We'll miss you.

Adiós.

Hasta luego.

You were right, andy. This is a great business.

Helping the unfortunate.

Unlimited customer base.

Reconnecting families.

Low overhead.

We're doing god's work, and we're providing the backbone of the american economy.

They paid you, right?

Soccer shoe.

Football shoe.

W-whatever you call it, I need more.

No más. Whoo.

Please? Just a little bit?

Helps me.

No más!

I'll pay you.

How much you got?

Hang on. I'll get my purse.

Silas...

I had a thought.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

About cheese.

Surprise, surprise.

About how it smells... Very strong.

That is an understatement.

You can smell this place from a block away.

It stinks.

Good thing you're sexy.

Okay. You're missing the point.

Mmm. What's the point?

It's the kind of smell that overpowers all other smells.

It is, isn't it?

Look at all of this room back here.

Maybe you know somebody who wants to rent it?

You really don't want to make sandwiches, do you?

Sandwiches are bullshit.

There are only 40 of them left in the world.

And now I own three.

He will join the other two at my zoo in coyoacán.

My son has turtles.

Please tell me that's also going to your zoo.

You might not want to watch this.

But you don't have a problem with it?

I enjoy it.

Ay, buenas noches, nancy.