03x06 - The Ocean Walker

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was sharing
some very important news with his parents.

I am getting married.

Who the hell to?

Who do you think? Rita.

- Her?
- Why?

First, she needs a green card
to stay in the country.

- There it is.
- She needs a green card to stay in the country...

because, secondly,
we're really crazy about each other.

- You hardly know her.
- I know all the important stuff.

She was in the Olympics.

- She's sweet, smart, beautiful. She's special.
- She was special.

- Are houses hard to make?
- Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.

But she wasn't smart.

Instead of making houses,
maybe you should make land...

- For Rita had only mentally progressed...
- on the ocean.

To the level of a first-grader.

There's no land on the ocean.

Michael might have noticed
her disability...

if it had not been masked
by her English accent.

- You're brilliant.
- Yeah, she wasn't.

She's a really good person. Everything else
is gonna be little surprises along the way.

With the exception of that one big one.

- The wedding is in one month.
- Oh.

- A month!
- Now, look.

Just because a woman gets pregnant,
it doesn't mean you have to marry her.

Too many lives have been ruined
because some cheap waitress at a HoJo...

said she used an IUD.

- It was Stuckey's.
- But I believed you.

She's not pregnant.
We haven't even slept together.

This is funny.

- He's gay!
- Where's your hand?

I'm having my high school ring put on it,
and my hook is stuck in the stair car.

Oh.

- Do you think getting married
will solve your sex problem?
- No, we don't have a problem.

- We just haven't had the right opportunity yet.
- Lindsay said Rita slept over.

Yes, but I gave her the bedroom
because I didn't want her to feel pressured.

Actually, it was Michael
who felt a little pressured.

I like to keep the light on.

That way, I can see
if you have a monster.

Night-night. Can you shut the door
on your way out?

I can't believe
you're not supporting this.

Because it is obvious
what she's after.

- Our money.
- Oh, God! Our money.

- Let's all remind ourselves
we don't have any money.
- She's already gotten our money!

Let's not forget she's the one that gave us
the idea for that ocean-top town called Bluthton.

Big deal. I had that same
basic idea years ago.

I thought you'd be happy.
I should've known better.

Michael, be careful.
People just see what they want to see.

If she loved you, she'd show it.

Michael was worried.

His mother may have
been making sense.

So he returned home
to talk to Rita.

- Here comes the bride!
- What are you doing in a wheelchair?

No, no. It's a dolly...
to help videotape your nuptials.

I don't think I need any footage of my nuptials.

Tobias, are you sure that this dolly isn't
related to your recent health problems?

Okay, so my legs and my left arm
occasionally "go to sleep."

And you want to call it
a health problem.

- Oop.
- Hey. Hey, hey!

I can get up myself.

- Here we go.
- Let me get in the dolly.

No, thank you.
I don't need your help.

It does seem like you've been having
a lot of trouble since the hair transplants.

- Maybe you should see a "bubaman."
- A bubaman?

Oh, uh, doctor.
It's a British expression.

Like they say "go up box"
instead of ?elevator."

Like when they say "poofter"
to mean "tourist."

- Boy, that Rita's a smarty.
- True, but it's not like anybody appreciates it.

- Mom and Dad do not like Rita.
- Are they crazy? She's amazing.

I saw her last night. She helped me
with this project I was doing.

Maeby was struggling with a screenplay...

in her secret life as a film executive.

- Is that a story?
- Not yet. It doesn't have an ending.

He's in LA. She's in Japan. How do I get
these two characters together?

- Maybe they could walk.
- Across the ocean?

- If it's not too deep.
- No. Deep is good.

People are gonna say, "What the hell
just happened? I'd better say I like it."

- 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.
- I like it.

The Ocean Walker. Holy crap.
That's gonna look good on a hat.

And Michael caught up with his brother.

I need a favor. As you know,
I'm gettin' married in a month.

- Say no more.
- Great. Are you sure that you know what...

- Yep, yep, yep. Got it.
- Super. Just so that we're both clear...

You want me to do a magic show
at the wedding. I'm on it.

I'm so glad we pushed
through that. No magic.

Why, because of the one
little screw-up last time?

- Put her out! Put her out!
- Tracey! On fire! Roll!

Thank God we already did the pictures.

Which reminds me that Rita shouldn't
wear any hair spray at this thing.

- I just want you to be my witness.
- You want me to...

be your best man?

It's just a signature
I need on the license.

My son's not old enough.
It's... It's no big deal.

I will not take
this sacred duty lightly.

I am gonna get you the single healthiest
call girl that this town has ever seen.

This is why I'm calling it a witness
and not a best man.

All you gotta do is watch.

I'm not gonna spend
this kind of money and not watch.

This may have been a bad choice.

Hey, hello. Look at you two...
Tweedledee, Tweedledum.

Michael didn't mean it in that way.

How could he?
He didn't even know.

We had the best time.
She's got such an amazing fashion sense.

- You guys got these jackets on inside-out?
- That way, you see the label.

That's what you're paying for, right?
It's a great statement on fashion.

- Plus it doesn't tickle your neck.

Michael took Lindsay aside
to share his concerns.

Lindsay, when did you first realize
that you and Tobias...

had no chance
at a physical relationship?

Oh, my God. Do you think we have no chance
at a physical relationship?

So, just now. See, Rita and I
have not been physical yet, and...

You don't think she's doing this
just for a green card, do you?

No. She's not that kind of person.
You just haven't been alone with her.

Ask her to stay over
at a hotel with you tonight.

- She's gonna know what that means.
- That is not a bad idea.

Don't... Don't do that.

And Gob began to prepare
a magic trick for Michael's wedding.

Takes his queen...

and showers her with diamonds!

Clubs. Club sauce.

He covers her with club sauce.

That'll be my line
if that happens.

Is that a magic trick?
I love magic.

I don't appreciate
the dry British humor.

Please do a magic trick for me.

Well, I shouldn't.
I'd hate to be blamed...

for setting another one
of Michael's brides... on fire!

Oh. Lighter fluid,
like Uncle Trevor uses.

But wherever did it come from?

Okay, I've gotta get you
into an illusion at the wedding.

- How long can you hold your breath?
- Oh, long. One time, 20 minutes.

Actually, her record was 20 seconds.

You can stop it. It's okay.
I'm gonna take your word for it.

Now I just need to find a trick that
puts you out of oxygen for 20 minutes.

Sorry? Did I hear the word "trick"?
And it smells a lot like lighter fluid in here.

I did say no tricks, Gob,
and I mean it.

What if I find a trick that has her
float to the altar or something?

No, no. Love for her to walk
and not to drown...

or fly through the air
or catch on fire.

- Is she allergic to cat fur?
- Uh, no tigers.

Great.

So, uh, Rita, um...

I was wondering
if maybe you and I...

might head down to a hotel?

- Maybe some alone time.
- Oh, yes.

- Yeah?
- Maybe our rooms could touch.

I... I was hoping maybe for more
than just our rooms to touch.

I was thinking maybe
we could be...

in the same room,
be in the same bed.

I see what you mean...
a real sleepover.

- Well, maybe.
- Okay.

- Really?
- Maybe I should go home and get my things.

I do kinda miss my jammies.

I think they're gonna have
a lot of that stuff there.

And my tiny teddy.

Good. Yes, get that.

And so George Michael
drove Rita to Wee Britain.

It's nice to be
with someone young.

We can listen to young people's music
for a change.

Great. Yeah, please.

That's when he first grew concerned.

And Rita packed for her sleepover.

Do you have any idea what a sleepover is?
'Cause it's not just sleep.

I know what it is, Trevor.
I've seen your secret magazine.

I want to have grown-up fun...
spoon and figgy pudding...

rabbit down dum,
druggeries hollow.

And I want to have pop-pop.

The very fact that you call it that
tells me you're not ready.

And for your information,
that's a cricket magazine.

Whether you like it or not,
you're still a child in many ways.

I got a problem with you having
sexual relations with that man.

- So do I.
- It's not your fault your parents were cousins.

But here we are, and I've been charged with
taking care of you, and I'm bloody well gonna do it.

Well, Michael will be my cousin soon enough,
'cause we're getting married.

- Married?
- Married!

- Totally out of the question!
- Married, married, married!

All right, that does it.
You're not going anywhere.

- I'm puttin' the invisible locks on the door.
- That's not fair.

- Lock, lock.
- It's not fair!

- It's just not fair!
- Lock, lock.

I gotta find a new hiding place
for that magazine.

And Michael was waiting at the hotel.

Hey, Dad. Just wanted
to let you know...

that I'm at a hotel
with my wife-to-be.

- And we're very, very much in love.
- Put her on.

- Michael briefly considered faking the voice.
- I...

- She's in the shower.
- I'll wait.

Let's wait.

Don't you want me
to just call you back or...

No. I got nowhere to go.
I'm under house arrest.

Let's watch something together.

Wow. That Blossom grew up, huh?

Say, how's that shower comin'?

- All right, look, she's not in the shower.
- Really?

She said that she'd
meet me at the hotel.

- I called you a little prematurely,
but she is coming. - Really?

Uh! Hey, put Rita on.

That's when Michael finally accepted...

that Rita wasn't coming...

and that local calls
were 2.95 a minute.

- Come on!
- That's where they get you.

Michael drove to Wee Britain
to call off the wedding...

that he now realized was not based on love.

- Who is it?
- It's Michael, Rita. Can I come in?

- I can't let you in.
- You didn't show up last night.

The least you can do
is talk to me face-to-face.

I can't.
Trevor locked the door.

He doesn't want me to be with you.

What? He locked the door?
You can't unlock this door?

- I can't even see half the locks.
- Rita? What?

They're invisible.
Trevor's the only one who can see them.

I've got an idea. Go next to the window.
I'm gonna climb up.

- Be careful.
- I will.

And so Michael set about
rescuing the beautiful...

sweet, mentally challenged
woman he'd fallen in love with...

without realizing
she was mentally challenged.

- Yea, Michael! Yea!
- Who undid the locks?

- Come on out.
- Trevor's back.

- Come on. Hop on.
- What?

- Hop on.
- Huh?

- Ready?
- Oh! Oh!

Whee! Oh!

Hey! Stop that!
The both of ya come back!

- You can't stop us.
- Nothing can stop us now.

Nothing in the world of man nor
beast nor time can...

!@%$ all!

Reunited with Rita, Michael told
his parents he'd be getting married tomorrow.

- We're getting married tomorrow.
- God help her if she tries to rename Bluthton.

I'll sink it first. I swear,
I'll sink the whole damn thing.

They're goin' through with it... tomorrow.

But George and Lucille
had a surprise visitor.

All right!
Where the hell is Rita?

- I'm her uncle.
- Let the handouts begin.

There's not gonna be any handouts,
and she is not gonna marry your son.

- You're against this marriage too.
- Well, of course I am.

Rita's not capable of makin'
a decision like that.

You are not gonna get Rita's millions
just because she's mentally challenged.

- Millions?
- Millions?

- Mentally challenged?
- Shh! It's not polite.

She owns all of Wee Britain
and also the Wee Britain in Cleveland.

'Course, we're probably
gonna lose all that...

if her ridiculous idea
for Sea Britain goes through.

We are not after her money.

And I don't think Michael
even knows about her... condition.

It's funny how Americans
don't pick up on that.

I think it's 'cause of her accent and
the plastic surgery she's been able to afford.

We wouldn't have this trouble
if they'd met last year.

I gotta put a stop to this. I'm gonna
search every bloody hotel in town.

Oh! Legoland.
I think they said...

- they were going to Legoland.
- They did say Legoland.

I didn't hear anything
about Legoland.

He doesn't know
what he's talking about.

We think he may be mentally challenged.

- Huh?
- All right then.

We have got 24 hours to get them married...

before Michael figures out
what she really is.

This is the first time in two years
you sound like George Bluth.

Later that night, Michael
was at the hotel with his bride-to-be.

- Rita, I've been really looking forward to this.
- Me too.

I want to have sexual relations.

The mere fact that you call it that
tells me that you are ready.

- That's why I brought this.
- Oh!

You go ahead and whip out that tiny teddy...

and then we're gonna think up
a fun safe word.

George Michael,
I did not know that you were...

Um, go ahead and talk out here.

Just got back
from the "bumpaddle" courts.

Tomorrow, I'm teachin' her baseball.

- It might take a while.
- Sorry?

Listen, Dad, th-this is... hard...

This is hard for me to say.

I was videotaping Rita. Let's just say it
would be cute if it was someone much younger.

I'm sorry. Maybe I should get another tape.
They're not expensive.

That's the plastic fruit, Dad.

It's very convincing fruit. Okay?

And... She's goin'
back in for another?

You know, they don't even have bananas
in England. Okay, Son?

Now, I know this is hard for you...

but it would be nice
to be supported in some...

Now she's goin' into the grapes.

Yeah. She really liked those.

I'm sorry.

I think she might be...
retar-Ret*rded.

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

Say hello to my tiny teddy.

Tiny Teddy? Oh!

And that's when it dawned on Michael.

- Oh, you teach kids, huh?
- I like to think they teach me.

That way I can see
if you have a monster.

Be careful.

I have made a huge mistake.

Michael had just been shown...

that his fianc?e
might be mentally challenged.

- So, - But he needed proof.
- are you ready for lie-down kisses with me?

Maybe we oughta just talk a little bit.

I mean, what the heck?
For instance, you've never told me...

how many houses there are
in the British Parliament.

- Seven.
- Are there?

- The answer is three.
- Does sound about right.

Three is the correct answer.

- Rita... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Come on. Let's have our fun!

Rita corny Michael.

So Michael used a line
that was just as corny.

You know,
I think that we should wait...

until after we're married.

Married!
Married, married, married!

Okay! Night-night!

And Michael felt he deserved
a $15 thing of candy beans.

The next morning, however,
as Michael prepared to let Rita down gently...

- he was met with another surprise.
- Surprise!

- What's this?
- We're throwing you a wedding.

- Oh, how lovely!
- On us.

Everything you see.
Show him the waffle bar, Larry.

- It's over there.
- And check out banner, Michael.

I'm gonna go set up.

I was just gonna talk to Rita
about all of this.

Rita, I think that we should, um,
wait a little while.

Wait? Why?
I don't wanna wait.

I want to get married and have
sexual relations like you promised.

Where did you get this firecracker?
I love her, Michael.

So do I. I wanna kiss
my new daughter-in-law.

- Hey, not on our time, Larry.
- Right on the lips.

- No, no. Please, take it easy.
- I'm gonna get my dress from the... from the room.

Yes. I'll help you
put it on inside-out.

Let's... Let's not all get, um...

Mom, what's goin' on? I thought
you guys were against all this.

Well, we feel
that you know best...

and who are we to interfere,
and you love this girl.

And the rest will just be
little happy surprises...

- along the way, like you said.
- Yeah.

With the exception
of the ret*rd thing.

- Oh, God.
- Tell me you didn't just say that.

You knew?

You knew, yet you still wanted me
to go through with this.

What can I say?
I'm crazy about the little dullard.

Oh, my God. She's rich.

This is a new low,
even for you, Mom.

What is wrong with you?

Larry, go to a mirror.

- You're fired.
- You're fired. What?

It's over. And this is how you tell me...
in the middle of a wedding?

You shouldn't have said anything.
You shouldn't have said anything.

You were right.
Now what am I gonna do?

I've been thinking. Every society
has their own rules about this stuff.

For instance, in some states,
it's legal to marry your own cousin.

California's blocked it twice, but only because
they tacked it onto an estate law thing.

- We had the signatures.
- You're 16, and you know all that.

She's 30 and a half. She probably can't list
the seven houses of Parliament.

- There's three.
- Now I gotta break her heart.

Doesn't she have to leave the country
if you don't marry her?

Yeah, I guess I can keep my promise
about that, huh?

There wouldn't be any
real intimacy...

and it would be the strongest marriage
in the family.

But as much as I'd like to, you can't ignore
the fact that she is mentally disabled.

Oh, my God.

I'm wearing an inside-out
bridesmaid's dress.

- You'd better catch her, Dad.
- Not gonna be easy. She's an Olympic silver...

I just figured that one out.

Okay. Well, I have to go stop production
on The Ocean Walker.

- You found out.
- Took me long enough.

Maybe you're not smart either.
I didn't know until they told me.

No. I'm just a narcissist
who was too self-involved to see the truth.

That makes no sense to me.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

You know, the truth is...
is that I did just see what I wanted to see.

Rita, you're so beautiful,
and you're so sweet.

And you deserve to find somebody
a lot more like you.

I don't think that either one of us
would be happy.

So, it's bye-bye to Rita then?

Unless you really want
to stay in America.

- I wanted to be with you.
- Hoy! Rita!

Time to go now.
Back to England, love.

Oh, Michael, will you
come visit me lots?

That's gonna be difficult, Rita.
You're gonna be across an ocean.

- Well, you can always walk.
- Not on the water.

Oh, Michael, you're such a grown-up.

Hey! He-Hey!

Hang on a sec.
That's part of your trick, right?

No. That's not my trick, Michael.

On the next Arrested Development.

It's my illusion!

Michael relives a wedding nightmare.

- Help! Put him out!
- My hair! My beautiful hair!

- Push him in the pool!
- Why am I not going underwater?

Dear God! Why am I not going underwater?