03x08 - Making a Stand

[bunniefuu]

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was trying to include
his brother in the business...

at his father's request...

So, the last couple of months
have seen us hemorrhaging money...

But he was finding himself
overwhelmed by the change.

Is it my turn to speak yet?
I've got a good one.

- We're gonna wait till after lunch for the tricks.
- It's not a trick, Michael.

It's a business opportunity.

You can turn the music off.
I already sh*t my wad.

Off.

No, that's tape. It's a...

I have got a quick way for us...

to literally be showered with money.

That's where the penny thing would have...

Bonus. Anyway, it involves
us making some money...

with our Mexican friends from Colombia.

I think they're called Colombians.

Oh, I forgot. We're being "politically correct."

Anyway, there's a company there that
wants to develop some time-shares with us.

I told them that we'll
sell them our blueprints...

- for 100 grand.
- Gob, we're prohibited...

from doing any business outside the
country while we're under investigation.

Translation: "Wish I'd thought of that."

- Nice translating, Dad.
- Oh.

I also had this slogan made up.

"A Colombian cartel that won't
kidnap and k*ll you."

Underline "won't," 'cause
that makes the competition look like...

- maybe they...
- I'm serious. We're not doing it.

It's illegal, and, uh, it's also kind
of a stupid way to make a quick buck.

- It's not stupid. You're stupid.
- Nice pout, Dad.

I wasn't calling you stupid.
I was calling the idea stupid.

If you'd spend a little more time
learning about the business...

and less time with the tricks,
you'd know that.

If I didn't have a live dove
in my pants right now...

I would leap across this table and...
You know what? Forget it.

- Let's go ahead and take five.
- Michael was frustrated...

and returned to his office to find Lindsay.

Gob is driving me crazy. I finally
got rid of him for a little while...

and Dad put him
right back in the business.

You two have always fought.

- I think I even have video of that.
- You and half of Orange County.

As children, George Sr. would
often provoke the boys to fight one another.

He's calling you a liar.

I don't want your cards, Michael.

He believed it created a competitive spirit...

which equipped them for the challenges of life.

Let's keep it in frame.

He also believed footage
of the tussles would be a big hit...

in the burgeoning
home video market.

He soon franchised the concept
with such titles...

as Boyfights 2...

A Boyfights Cookout...

and Backseat Boyfights:
The Trip to Uncle Jack?s 70th.

- How do you think I feel?
- You weren't even in the tapes.

I was talking about my marriage.
Are we still talking about the tapes?

Apparently not.
What's going on with your marriage?

Well, as you know, Bob Loblaw and I
have had a secret little thing going.

- Very secret. He doesn't know.
- He has not known of it. That's correct.

But last night he finally
responded to one of my little hints.

- Why won't you!@%$ me?
- Look...

You're an attractive woman, and you've
been dressing like a common whore.

- Well, I've been trying. - But you asked
me to represent you in your divorce.

- I can't see a client.
- Then recommend somebody else.

Well, our copy boy is very striking...

but he often has toner on his fingers.

- I meant another lawyer.
- Oh.

So now I have to tell Tobias we're getting
divorced, break the news to Maeby...

plus fit an eyebrow pluck in there,
all before the weekend.

Perhaps you can talk to Maeby while
you're getting your eyebrows plucked.

It'll look like your eyes
are watering 'cause you're sad.

Later that day Michael
went to his parents? apartment...

to talk about the problem
he was having with Gob.

- What's going on here?
- They're painting the whole building...

so I'm having the inside done too.

And that goes into storage, right?
Not into your apartment.

What's Spanish for
"I know you speak English"?

Mom, if you're gonna speak
to these guys like this...

you might want to sleep
with one eye open.

Actually, I'll be sleeping at your place.

- Paint fumes are deadly.
- You know Dad's under house arrest here.

It'll be nice to get
a break from him too.

Besides, I certainly
can't recuperate here.

- Recuperate?
- I didn't want to worry anyone.

It's a routine procedure...
Very common for women my age.

I see. The apartment's not
the only thing getting a face lift, huh?

Hope you kept your punch cards.
You're about due for a free one.

- We have to pay for the paint.
- No, no, no.

You're not getting a centavo
until you finish all the work.

You guys are both gonna be
sleeping with your eyes open.

Mom, however, will not have a choice.

Dad, need you to help me get rid of Gob.

- That ship sailed 35 years ago.
- Doesn't know anything about the business.

Today he suggested that we do
an illegal Colombian deal.

- You said that was legal.
- That was your idea?

- I may have mentioned it.
- You told Gob to do it, didn't you?

Did you just want to get us
at each other's throats again...

- like you used to do with the Boyfights videos?
- Boyfights?

- Luchas de Muchachos.
- Oh, s?, Luchas de Muchachos.

- We had this video.
- S?.

The tapes were a big hit in Latin America.

Don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with them...

Except for some
of the Baby Buster shorts.

Maybe I was trying
to teach you something.

Maybe I was trying
to teach you how to compete.

I didn't do it with Buster,
and look how he turned out.

- Is Buster.
- Baby Buster.

"Yo quiero leche.
Yo quiero leche de madre."

Even though I am so old.

Those tapes made quite
an impression on these painters.

I think I turned out
pretty darn well, myself.

Oh, you just turned out great.

I used my contacts
to get you a job, and you quit.

The job was at an Iraqi-owned toy store...

that was hoping
to deter shoplifting.

Okay, I'll just take off
this cheap fake hand...

and we gonna put on this sign.

Beautiful. You like?

They only wanted me because
I had one hand... and I won't do it!

- That's not the way Mother is raising me.
- Like I won't compete...

with my older brother anymore,
despite the way Father raised me.

- We'll show you. - Just like I showed
Mr. Al-Jibaaly Muhammed a-Abat.

I stole this sign.

Of course, I left my hand there also.

But FAO al-Jibaaly Muhammed a-Abat...

wasn't the only one
having trouble scaring kids.

So was Hollywood's third-youngest
movie studio executive, Maeby F?nke.

The creature's in your imagination.

That's the bloodsucker? It looks like Alf.
You got a week to fix it.

This must be the creature that ate our cat.

- And Michael met up with Gob.
- Hey, Gob.

Why didn't you tell me that
Colombian thing was Dad's idea?

Well, Dad said not to
because you don't think I'm smart...

- and that I should take credit for it.
- It was just Dad...

trying to turn us against each other again,
and of course I think you're smart.

Okay? Hey, what's going on
down there? What are you doing?

You don't want a hungry dove
down your pants.

That's how Tony Wonder lost a nut.

Look, I know that I don't know
about this housing stuff...

but I've got this
Christian girlfriend now...

and she's trying to get me
to be a better man...

and reconnect with my son...

and I'm trying to get her
to renounce God and!@%$ me...

and I just want to prove to her
that I'm worth it.

As always, Gob, a mixed bag there...

but the middle part sounded pretty admirable
for a second, so here's what I want to do.

I want to get you your own
banana stand franchise...

and you can have Steve work at it.

- You'd do that for me?
- Yes. Yeah. You can design your own shack.

- And choose my own location?
- Whatever you want.

You're gonna be 100%
in charge, all right?

But the most important thing
is that we never let Dad...

- turn us against each other again.
- Thanks, Michael.

If you feel something moving
down there, it's just the bird.

I know it.

And a few days later...

Michael got a call from his son.

- Hey, Dad, did you know Gob started
a banana stand? - Yeah, that was my idea.

I'm trying to get us
to be less competitive.

That's gonna be difficult.

Plus they have a very aggressive slogan.

Gob had opened a new
frozen banana stand, like...

twenty feet from the old
frozen banana stand.

What's going on? You just thought
you'd put the stand right here?

Did the research. Do you know
that more frozen bananas are sold...

right here on this boardwalk
than anywhere in the OC?

- Don't call it that.
- Also gonna need a check, 'cause I kind of went...

out of pocket on the new sign... and
I need some bananas and some chocolate...

- from the other branch. - Just take
the sign down... Take the whole booth down.

You're cannibalizing our business.

You're just scared
of a little "competish."

You guys don't even have bananas,
so I'm not too worried.

In fact, you know what? Me and my son
are gonna kick your little shack's ass.

Dad, it's okay. We can just work
together with them, you know?

That makes sense. I mean, we
don't really even know the recipe.

- You just freeze the banana,
and then you stick it... - Don't tell 'em.

- Stick it in the what?
- No, it's okay. We'll figure it out.

And when we do,
we'll have the last laugh.

We'll be the laughingstock
of the boardwalk.

Meanwhile, Lindsay was
preparing for her own competition.

This is Treat. He'll be representing you.

He started off as my paralegal,
but he's a lawyer now.

- Well, as of next Monday.
- Well, we'll fudge that.

Lindsay, just do me one favor.

Don't mention me by name when you
talk about your future plans for dating.

It reflects poorly on me.

Right, right.
The conflict of interest.

Yeah, that too.

- Hello, Lindsay.
- Tobias. Did you get a lawyer?

Only the best-looking and
best-educated lawyer in the whole OC.

- Don't call it that.
- Okay.

- Bob Loblaw. How are you?
- Bob's representing you?

He was. One day earlier,
Tobias had spoken to him...

- on the phone. - Whether or not
those promises were made explicit.

You... want me to be explicit?

Anyway, as it turns out...

Bob was offering to be my lawyer.

And that night...

- Buster arrived with a post-op Lucille.
- There she is.

She wants to know where you want to put her.

She can take my room.

She wants to know
if I can sleep there too.

She said that's very important to her.

All right. I'll meet you
up there, Mother.

You better not lock it!
I'll kick it in!

Oh, by the way. Doctor said
no kissing her on the face for one week.

I was like, "Make it two weeks.
See if I care."

Got a new hand?

Oh, yeah. I'm trying it out.

Guess who I ran into at the prosthetic
shop while I was waiting for Mother.

Sorry, no refunds...

- And that's why you don't take your foot
out of its wrapper. - J. Walter Weatherman.

You're the man who used to scare us
as children, and one time as an adult.

George Sr. had always used him...

to teach his children
lasting lessons.

They usually involved
his prosthetic arm being ripped off.

And that's why you always leave a note.

- You're one of George Bluth's kids.
- Uh-huh.

- I guess you'll be scaring children yourself now.
- As a matter of fact, I won't.

If anything, it
strengthened my resolve...

to be more than just
a one-armed man...

Even if it means me never
taking a job again.

Almost makes it worth it.

- Hello.
- Listen. I heard...

that you gave Gob
a banana stand.

They did great.
He and Steve took in over $700.

- They did?
- Yeah.

So I guess the Bluth Company's
got a new heir.

That's when Michael
realized it was time to get serious.

George Michael, do you know
where the banana suit is?

That night,
Maeby, displaced by Buster, heard a noise.

Hello? George Michael?

I'm thirsty.

And Maeby knew she had found
her bloodsucking creature.

The next day, Michael took
off work to man the banana stand...

- while his son manned a banana.
- How you doin' there, champ?

- Is my name champ? It's so hot.
- Why don't you take five?

That's not including the five minutes
it takes to get out of this thing?

- You're not getting out of it.
- Attention, everyone.

Why go to a banana stand when
we can make your banana stand?

I give you Barbara and Dee.

Don't worry. These young beauties have
been nowhere near the bananas.

Dad, are they strippers?

If I know your uncle, they're at least
strippers. I guess we gotta up the ante.

No, Dad. Then they're just gonna up it
and it'll go back and forth all day.

- If that's what it takes, that's what
we're gonna do. - And they did...

But it was less entertaining
than you might imagine...

no matter what music
was put under it.

It was kind of funny
to "Yellow Submarine"...

but who could afford it?

So here's what happened at the end.

- Hey, stop fighting!
- Stop it!

- Hey, stop fighting!
- Stop it!

That's it. They're right, okay? This is insane.
We're just "boyfighting" again.

And for what?
A hefty bag full of pesos.

- You've been taking pesos?
- Dad said I should.

- Dad's involved with this?
- Well, he chose the location...

And the strippers and the sign.
Every part of it, really.

Wait a minute. Don't you see
what's happening here?

Dad's clearly going ahead
with the Colombian deal...

and he's laundering it
through your banana shack.

He pitted us against each other
so I'd be too busy to notice.

Well, you know what? I think it's
time for us to teach Dad a lesson.

Get the person who terrorized us
the most in our childhood.

She's still healing.
Let's get J. Walter Weatherman.

Michael and Gob had decided...

to teach their father a lesson.

- We need the number of the one-armed man.
- I'm not giving you that.

You want to use his disability
to scare someone.

That's everything I'm against.
Read the button, mister!

"The only scary thing about...

a one-armed man trying to
scare someone is the fact that"...

That he feels that his one arm is good
for nothing but trying to scare somebody.

- It's upside down.
- Let's see you try to put a button on...

with this.

Stop screaming.
It's not scary.

I'm gonna get the number myself,
'cause we're not gonna...

go through our lives
being controlled by this guy.

What is more pathetic than grown men
being scared of their father?

- I'm thirsty.
- Oh, my God!

This continued for a while.

And later, Michael and Gob
went to put their plan in action.

I gave the Colombians back
their money, and I told them...

that you had no right
to make the deal.

I have to warn you, though,
they didn't sound too happy.

Let's just hope they don't try to get
even by "cir-sum-venting" the law.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Kidnap or... Michael said it.

What, are you kidding?
I have an ankle monitor.

I can't even go into the hallway
without the cops coming up.

- Stop it!
- Clearly you know what you're doing.

There's an off chance they might
just want to take you, leave the ankle.

But anyhow...
Stall him.

And Michael
went to solicit help for the lesson.

How would you and some
of your friends like to help us...

teach Mr. Bluth a lesson?

Maybe pose as Colombians.

But we are Guatemalan.
Won't he know the difference?

I think anything south
of San Diego will be just fine.

- Orlando was in the Groundlings.
- Just classes.

Is it going to be unscripted, like Curb?

George Sr., meanwhile,
had grown suspicious of his sons.

What was that with Michael just now?

He wants to teach you a lesson.

- What kind of lesson?
- J. Walter Weatherman lesson.

He's gonna fake your kidnapping
and helicopter ride to Colombia.

He's gonna teach me a lesson
using my own scare toy?

Weatherman wouldn't do it.
I think Buster turned him.

Yeah, well, he'll say yes for me.

We'll go along with his lesson, but
we're gonna teach him one of our own...

But it's gotta be a secret, okay?
Between a dad and his...

His favorite son.

- Don't worry, Pop. Gob Bluth doesn't cave.
- Yeah, you just did for me.

- Well, you asked me to so I thought...
- Okay, go, go, go. It's fine.

And Lindsay and Tobias
were back with the arbitrator.

As you know, it is very difficult...

to establish fault in a divorce,
but one indicator is fidelity.

My client has not pursued sex
outside of this marriage.

- Nor in it.
- I got this one.

- Can the same be said for you?
- Oh, absolutely.

- I've done everything to make this marriage work.
- That's interesting.

Can you tell me what your
plans are for this evening?

Uh, I have plans with a friend.

- A man? What's his name, please?
- Don't answer that.

I withdraw the question.
Why don't we stop for the day?

So Mrs. F?nke...

can get to her date
with her mysterious...

Mr. Blah-blah-blah.

At 8:30, unless you want
to sit at the bar.

It was the first time
someone took Tobias's side...

- and he wanted to thank him.
- As much as I hate losing Lindsay and everything...

I feel like I'm making
a friend in you...

so I was wondering if maybe
tonight you just want to...

take in a movie... or a schvitz...

or just stay in and nest.

Actually, I was going to stay in my
office tonight and work on my law blog.

Of course...
The Bob Loblaw Law Blog.

Wow. You, sir, are a mouthful.

While Tobias was trying
to get his mouth around Bob Loblaw...

Maeby was showing Mort Meyers
a monster of her own.

Oh, that's terrifying.

Who did that for you,
Industrial Light & Magic?

- Topelson Plastic and Silicone.
- Did he do Land of the Dead?

Yeah. He's been
in Beverly Hills for years.

- Get our makeup people on it.
- And George Sr. waited...

for the fake kidnapping
he knew Michael had orchestrated.

- Don't move!
- Hey, well, let's do it.

Get into the box, old man.

Oh, blankets. That's...
Who thought of that?

- That is very nice.
- Come on, get in the trunk!

What about...
What about my ankle monitor?

We have an ankle monitor deactivator.

Oh, good. See, I've been
meaning to get one of those.

I'm not gonna resist you guys because,
you know, I don't want you to b*at me.

But the mistreated painters...

were actually looking forward to that part.

Oh! Forgot my iPod.

- Start the helicopter!
- And so Michael, believing himself...

to be aided by Gob, set to work.

But this too produced
less-than-compelling footage.

And this is how that ended.

Put on the sound effects.
Put on the sound effects.

CD... CD one. CD one.

Track two. Track two.

Put the hostage here by the ottoman.

Get it out of here.
What's it doing in here?

- Ottoman out.
- And George Sr. was released...

- from his long journey into the living room.
- Where am I?

- Colombia. Where do you think?
- And you just missed the last train...

that will come through
the jungle for three days.

- He's good.
- He's a Groundling.

You have betrayed us,
and we will make you pay...

- and then we will go back for your sons.
- My sons? No.

They too will suffer
for your terrible decisions.

And you should really
pay your workers what they deserve...

not make them have to buy
their own supplies.

Not just the painting.
The sanding too.

Yeah, and the taping
is very time-consuming.

Michael decided
his father was ready to learn his lesson.

- And that is why...
- He's got a g*n!

I can't let you do it! Get away!

Get away. I'll sh**t. I will, I will.
I'll take you all out.

- This is all fake. These guys are painters.
- I will, I will!

- Oh, God! My arm.
- Dad, you just sh*t off this guy...

This guy's arm.

And that's why you don't
teach your father a lesson.

Who's the stupid one now?
Thank you, Gob.

Gob? You told him?
I thought we were a team.

- It's not fun feeling stupid, is it?
- You son of a...

- Wait a minute. I gotta get my camera.
- Get off of me!

What is all this?
What's going on?

Keep it in frame.
You wanna... Cheat out.

- I will k*ll you!
- I'm gonna k*ll you.

- You're going out of frame.
- I'll k*ll you.

No!

Oh, my God! Michael!

Dad... It was an accident. I'm sorry.

And that's why you don't pit
Gob and me against each other.

- Yes! Yeah!
- Gob.

- You set me up.
- That's right.

- No more "boyfights."
- J. Walter Weatherman was in on it too?

- Right from the very start.
- So you did use him.

Look at this place.
Look at my home.

- Freeze! Drop the g*n. - It's okay.
We're just trying to teach this guy a lesson.

- Drop the g*n!
- Oh, my good hand!

Buster's good hand just came...

flying off.

And that's why you don't use a
one-armed person to scare someone.

On the next Arrested Development.

Maeby finds a way
to scare an entire generation.

This Christmas, terror has a new face.

I'm thirsty.

Gangy.

We should start production
on Gangy Two.

Well, I know she
wanted a skin peel.