03x11 - Family Ties

[bunniefuu]

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth believed
he?d just made a shocking discovery.

That might be an older sister
that we've never met.

Wow. Look at the beak
on that bird.

Michael found the picture
in a secret room...

while looking for incriminating
evidence against his father.

I have an older sister?

- Don't you kind of remember having
an older sister? - Not at all.

- What, do you?
- A little bit. I mean, "Nellie" does sound familiar.

- Mom and Dad clearly were trying to keep this
hidden from us. - But this could be anybody.

This could be a deformed neighbor or...

A child that Mom and Dad
gave up for some reason...

and whose identity they're now using
to pin their crimes on.

The prosecutor said that there was that account
with money in it labeled "N. Bluth."

Her name is Nellie.

Do you remember when you thought
there was a mysterious Mr. "F" out to get you?

Yeah, but that was ret*rd... misguided.

This is different. This is N. Bluth.

Well, why don't you just go to Dad
and ask who Nellie is, point blank?

So he can just cover it up and lie?

I can't stand to hear one more lie
out of this family.

Ah, there's the woman
I'm sexually attracted to.

Okay. But that's the last one.

- Well, I'm off to the gym to prepare for our tryst.
- Tryst?

Yes, Lindsay and I are planning a night
of heterosexual intercourse.

- You can just say intercourse.
- We talked about it last night.

After a disappointing
attempt at lovemaking.

Ah, this isn't going to happen.
I just want you to be satisfied.

Oh, T., you're always thinking of others.

I tried that. It didn't work either.

You know, maybe I would be more attracted
to you if you were in better shape.

You know, if you were just
more muscular, masculine.

- Does that make me shallow?
- No.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Maybe we should take a little time
to work on ourselves...

and then we'll plan a special night
in seven or eight days.

- Or a couple of weeks.
- Let's say three weeks.

- We're gonna go for it in a month.
- At the start of next month.

And we're gonna call it
a 31-day month.

Even though
this particular month has 30 days.

Oh, you know, I've already
prepared a list of "won'ts."

Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
My list of "can'ts."

Marital love can be so romantic.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- What?

"Marital love." You were looking right at me,
and you said "marital love." Why would I...

George Michael
was interested because earlier that day...

he discovered that the recent mock wedding
he'd acted in with his cousin Maeby...

- We're married?
- was, in fact, as real and binding...

as the rice pudding the disoriented
patients had thrown at them.

- I was talking to your aunt and uncle.
- Of course.

They're married too... Each other.

Oh, please. Pity the fool who gives me
a bunch of jibber-jabber about romance.

My religious girlfriend just dumped me,
and for a simple little misunderstanding.

If someone was always asking you to embrace
the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant?

Gob thought it meant a three-way.

What? I thought that's what
all you guys lived for.

What about you? You game?

- Well, maybe she just wasn't for you.
- Which one?

I really wasn't paying attention.

The real problem is she keeps saying
that God is gonna show me a sign.

The... something of my ways.
"Wisdom"?

It's probably "wisdom."
Gob, listen, can I ask you a question?

- Do you remember growing up with a sister?
- Sister.

Uh, no, I don't.

Not really ringin' any bells.

- Other than Lindsay, of course.
- Oh, Lindsay!

Well, you might not be
the most reputable source on this.

- Upstairs...
- What?

- George Michael was sharing his news
with his cousin. - You mean we're married?

- It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything.
- We should shred it.

- It's creeping me out.
- Yeah, me... It's...

But if we just put it over the dresser,
like we think it's a joke...

- then we would always know...
- It is a joke.

Unless we get it framed.

And Michael
went to investigate his mystery sister.

- Michael! What a surprise.
- Really? Were you expecting somebody else?

Maybe, uh, one of
your two daughters?

Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit.

We're so bad!

I-I actually meant Lindsay and Nellie.

You call him that too?

- Oh, it's so nice to be able to talk like this.
- Where's Dad?

- What's all this?
- Computer stuff from the office.

Pop, you're not doin' another one
of those Black Fridays? Your mass firings?

Before f*ring his employees, however...

George Sr. had been sure
to clear the office of its valuables.

So, when do we get to see
our new, fancy offices?

Soon as you get your new, fancy jobs.
You're all fired.

The employees never saw it coming...

even though their first task was often
to unload computers from a rental truck.

No, it's not a Black Friday,
although I did enjoy those.

No, the prosecution's gonna want
to have access to the hard drive...

so I just want to make sure
everything's nice and clean for them.

- What the hell is that thing?
- An electromagnet.

Think of it as a giant delete key.

Well, I hate to spoil your fun, Dad...

but I got backups on all of that stuff,
and this is illegal.

Oh! Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold...

but I am trying to protect my family.

That's not a real gold necklace, is it?

Well, it wasn't really
your 50th birthday.

You know, Dad, you can't have
this stuff in here, all right?

And we don't need more trouble.

It's bad enough you got Buster faking a coma
just so he doesn't have to testify.

I've been trying to get him
out of that coma.

It's costing us a fortune.
He's sleeping us dry.

Okay, faker, I'm cutting the cord.

I'll see ya at the snack machine.

If he knows that you don't want him
in the coma, then why's he still in it?

For some reason, he won't tell me.

- He'd fallen for his day nurse.
- Buster, you're so dear.

She'd found his complete lack of
personality and movement enchanting.

I wish you could say something.

Course, if you did, everything would
be ruined 'cause you wouldn't be as pure.

Speaking of living a lie, I don't suppose either
of you have remembered who this N. Bluth is.

Not a Nick or a Nellie?

Just the one who married Lindsay.

Oh, isn't it fun to talk like this?

So Michael returned to the office,
where the atmosphere was paranoid.

- Is it Black Friday?
- No one's getting fired. No one's getting fired.

But we haven't been paid,
and they took our computers.

This looks bad, but it's just my father trying
to erase the hard drives to avoid conviction.

The company is fine.
This is... This is fun though, isn't it?

They brought out all the old machines.

They've seen better days,
but I'm sure they're all functional, right?

- Like Tom here.
- I'm 30.

You're kidding me.

But Michael found
the equipment frustrating as well.

"Gob's Program"? Idiot.

And then he noticed something else.

- Nellie.
- Michael, I gotta talk to...

Oh, wow. K-Y pro, huh?

Hey, don't get any moisture
on these babes.

Hey! Tobias.

Buddy, I needed that information.

This is that sister I've been lookin' for.

Just hit "print screen." I'm sure
that whatever's on there will come up.

Oh, look at that.

I kind of remember these
being faster, you know?

Well, we were probably all so jacked up
on amyl and disco music we didn't notice.

But I'm glad about this printer lag...

because I was hoping
to have a jaw session with you.

Why don't we just say
as long as that means a talk?

I find myself attracted
to someone who's not my wife.

- What's her name?
- Michael.

- Can you believe it?
- You're married to my sister.

Don't you think I know that?

- I-I'm not interested in you that way.
- What way?

- Pick one.
- No.

Did you think you were the Michael
I was talking about? No.

- What? - No, interesting that
your mind went there though.

Okay. Uh, no. I'm afraid the Michael
I'm talking about is all lady.

- She's the trainer at my gym.
- The trainer you started with today?

- Indeed. Can you believe she's a bodybuilder?
- Indeed.

What am I doing?
What am I doing? What am I doing?

- What am I doing? - You're nervous about
becoming intimate with Lindsay again.

- I guess.
- You probably should not rush into things.

Don't call this girl-Michael.
Stay away from the gym.

- Just leave it alone.
- Wise words, boy-Michael.

I'll tell you, if I wasn't so dripping
and disgustingly sweaty right now...

I'd hop over this desk
and give you such a hug.

- Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda.
- Hey, hey. No, no.

Ooh, look. Number's up.
Look at that.

Ah, it would've been a seven.

Later that night,
Lucille visited Buster in the hospital.

- What the hell is this?
- My name is Representative John Van Heusen.

I am here to protect
the dignity of this boy's life.

Dignity? Easy for you to say.

I'm the one who has to
loofah his stump.

I believe death is wrong in all of its forms,
except lethal injection.

But that's just as a deterrent
against more death.

And this young man is enjoying life.

Hey! Hey! Huh? Hey, look at us, huh?

We're havin' a blast here, huh?

How the hell did you even find out
about Sleeping Beauty here?

It was an anonymous tip from someone
who cares about Buster's life.

It's not ringing any bells.

In fact, it was Buster himself.

They're trying to k*ll Baby Buster.

Oh, that's right... from the videos.

Well, no one's killin'
Baby Buster on my watch.

That is unless, of course, it's as a penalty
in a three-strikes scenario.

No one's called him Baby Buster
since high school.

Michael, meanwhile...

had called one number after another
until he found Frank...

- a colleague of the woman he knew as Nellie.
- I'm looking for Nellie.

Yeah. Well, she's workin'
a software convention at some hotel.

- I can set up a meeting at the bar, man.
- Appreciate it.

So Michael arrived at the bar...

hoping to spot someone
who could be his sister.

She grew into the nose.
Nellie? Hey! Hi.

Michael. Frank sent me.

- I think I might be interested in your services.
- You won't be sorry.

Yeah? I was hoping that maybe we
could just talk a little bit first, huh?

- Yeah, most people want to.
- They did talk.

And Michael felt a connection
like he'd never felt with anyone in his family.

I had a locker on the first floor
freshman year...

right next to the caf with all the junior lockers,
so it was clearly a mistake.

- But I didn't say anything, right?
- Ooh, you're bad.

I had that same locker
all throughout sophomore year.

- Junior year they had me on the third
floor with all the frosh. - That is wild.

I had the same combo throughout 'cause I
transferred the lock. Let me tell you why.

Hey, let's see what
some of the other folks are up to.

Nothing there.

Or there.

Oh, my.

Let's get back to Michael.

It was Joe Namath's number,
Babe Ruth's number, then my birthday.

That is a great story.

It wasn't a great story.

Nellie was just a great listener.
Most prostitutes are.

Nellie, the hell with formalities.

- I think you and I should do business together.
- Me too.

Michael had just hired a woman
he'd secretly believed to be his sister.

How did you get into this line of work?

But, of course, he'd also yet
to figure out she was a prost*tute.

I was buried in loan debt from business school,
so I started whoring myself out.

Not that there weren't clues.

What do you say we go up to my room
and seal the deal?

You're stayin' here, huh? I was actually
hoping to get into your business tomorrow.

It would give you a chance
to meet everybody in the office.

'Cause you're gonna be working
for the whole staff.

- You're gonna be filling three openings.
- Oh!

I heard there were a couple of girls like me
consulting over at Enron.

So the next day, Michael
introduced his new consultant to his staff...

who weren't that pleased to meet her.

You hired someone else?
We haven't even been paid yet.

That's exactly why I hired her...
to help out with the finances.

She's absolutely amazing at that stuff.
Right? You do do finances and stuff, right?

- I do all sorts of scenes.
- There you go. Okay, guys.

Don't be afraid to put her
in any position that you want, okay?

Dave, you give her access
to everything, okay?

I want you guys to think
of her as Nellie Bluth, all right?

In fact, we should probably get an I.D.
With that printed on it, okay?

But she did have a list of "won'ts."

We're gonna have some ground rules
first, okay? No!@%$#

!@%$ing or!@%ting.

And no!@%$#% unless
you're wearing a!@%$#.

Or you!@%$#% before you!@%$ me.

And if this winds up on the Web,
I will!@%$ you in the!@%.

Our computers don't even work on the Internet.

Who's first?

Back at the model home,
George Michael was still...

trying to make
his accidental marriage work.

I thought maybe tonight we could pop in
an!@%$#%@! in the old DVD player...

and sit and watch it,
maybe just the two of us, husband and wife?

I'm just kidding.
I mean, the State of California isn't, but...

You know, that's what makes it funny.

- I'm worried you're taking this too seriously.
- Are...

Just the opposite.

What the hell is that?

I bought you a wedding ring... tone.

Opposite of serious.

And Michael was getting an update
on how his newest employee, Nellie...

was working out.

Really? And all the guys like her, huh?
That is... That is great.

Uh, you mean "away" though, right?

Because otherwise
it sounds a little different.

But, uh, that's, uh...
that's outstanding.

Real good.
You forgot to say "away" again.

But, uh, listen, let me call you back
in a bit, okay? Bye.

Nellie has blown them all away.

Yeah, well, I think it's crazy.

You've given her access to everything...
the banking... and for what?

You're basing this on the fact she shares a name
with someone you played with as a baby.

Lindsay, I can tell that it's real.

It's like that feeling that
you read about twins having.

We're twins. You didn't give me
access to the banking.

No, you just... you'd go out and you'd
just whore it up, Lindsay, you know?

She's different.
She's a little bit more like me.

- It's like we finish each other's...
- Sandwiches?

Sentences.

- Why would I say...
- Sandwiches?

That time I was gonna say sandwiches.

- So I guess you haven't told Nellie
what you're thinking. - No, I have not.

I've been waiting for the right time.

I want to make sure she trusts me, especially
since Dad is probably setting her up.

But I might want to hurry with that operation
because she's charging us a fortune...

and she's got this old boss
that's claiming he wants a percentage.

Yo, man, you owe me money. I ain't no dummy.

And it better be soon, or you're gonna
feel my hand up your!@%$#.

So Nellie wants to meet me tonight
for drinks. Maybe I'll tell her then.

That's funny. I'm going out tonight
for drinks too... with an exciting new man.

Really trying to make
that marriage work, aren't you?

Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold,
but I'm feeling a little pressure here.

If you had to have sex with Tobias in four months,
you'd be shopping for a way out too.

I stand corrected and disgusted.

And Michael arrived
for his meeting with Nellie.

- Are you Michael?
- Yes.

- There's a nellie at the end of the bar
wants to see you. - Great. Thank you.

- Oh, it's Tobias.
- Michael.

Look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered?
Yes. Interested? Not tonight.

I-I think I-I see what's happening.

- You're meeting girl-Michael at the bar?
- It was her idea.

She wanted to get a drink,
and I know it's crazy.

I mean, I'm married.
And the carbs.

Well, Tobias, sometimes life
is about making difficult...

Sandwiches. I know.

- You read my mind.
- Oh, God. Here she is.

- Next to that guy?
- Uh, what guy?

That guy.

- No, that's her.
- Him?

That's a girl.

I-I think the name Michael
is making you look for a man.

- Think I'm lookin' at a man.
- Michael.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- No, I meant girl-Michael.
- I'm gonna leave you two alone.

So nice to meet you, girl-Michael.

What? Yes? Hi, Nellie.

I was thinking that
we could meet down here.

Uh, actually,
I think I'm gonna come up.

I really need to see you.

I really want to see you too.
There's something we need to talk about.

- I've always been mildly attracted to you.
- What?

Let's face it. There's no denying
that there's a heat between us.

- I'd like to deny that.
- I know you feel it too... this burning desire.

I-I-I don't feel anything.
I-I feel a burning mutual respect.

I've got an outfit that's gonna turn
that respect into something fun.

Respect is fun, Nellie.

You're gonna want the respect when
you hear where I... Where is the light?

- Don't touch that light!
- What?

This is what happens when you steal
from Frank's stable without payin'.

You want to be her pimp,
you gotta settle up with me.

- Pimp? You mean that she's a...
- Lady of the evening.

Working girl.
She turns illusions for money.

And that's when
Michael recognized the voice.

- Tricks.
- Wait a minute.

Don't you do it! Ain't nobody gonna
see what Frank look like!

Franklin is Frank?

Michael had
just discovered that his brother...

was the pimp for the woman
he thought was his sister.

What the hell is going on?
Nellie is not a prost*tute.

Of course she is. Oh, but I can see
what the misunderstanding is.

You didn't know. Maybe we can
give him a family discount!

Family discount is right. This is
the sister that I've been talking about.

Maybe I should've been getting
a family rate. Oh, my God!

- How do you know her?
- Met up with her after a show.

- And you did things with her?
- He didn't.

- I did. - Well, if you consider
crying like a girl doing something.

I just want my brother to respect me,
you know. I don't even have a job.

Look, I could use a man's voice on the phone,
and I like your little puppet show.

Ain't so little when I take my pants off, lady.

I mean, obviously I'd take
some of the cry out of that.

But I am not a pimp, Michael.

She needed protection,
so I make some threats, I wear this hat...

and I collect my 10%.

Yeah, that's a pimp,
and our sister is a prost*tute.

- I'm your sister?
- I think so.

I found you in my dad's computer.

I thought that maybe he was embezzling
money and taking advantage of you.

- And that's why I hired you to do
your work at the office. - Oh, my God.

Wait a minute.
What... What kind of work did you do?

No wonder they were so happy.

- I'm so embarrassed!
- Nellie, hang on a second.

You know, Gob, this might be that sign
from God that you should change your ways.

No, I think that's gonna be something big.

Downstairs, meanwhile,
Lindsay arrived at the bar for her date.

- Michael. Oh, my God! My husband!
- Oh, my God! My wife!

- Are you two here for each other?
- Is that what you're doing?

- How dare you!
- How dare you!

- And with another man!
- And with another woman!

Wait, wait.
You didn't plan this together?

- I just assumed you wanted a Holy Trinity.
- Absolutely not!

We're a happily married couple.

Yes, who happen to be very much
in love with each other.

Well, you're still gonna
have to pay Frank.

- And Michael confronted his father.
- I know who N. Bluth is.

It is Nellie, and I found her.

That's your sissy cousin Larry.

Even then we knew.
That's why we called him Nellie.

Do you not know that expression, Michael?
I thought we were on the same page here.

It's a nice try, Pop, but in your old computer
I found a Nellie.

You're tryin' to tell me that
that is not my sister?

Yes. It's perfectly innocent.
She's my prost*tute.

I'm a red-blooded man. I have certain needs
that your mom can't satisfy.

But sex wasn't one of them.

I just want my brother
to hand me my money.

But he's got that hair.

Why can't I have hair and money,
and him nothing?

She's not my sister. I let her into the company.

- You didn't give her access to the cash, did you?
- She said she liked me.

She's a prost*tute. That's her job.
Oh, no. The N. Bluth account.

What? The N. Bluth account?
That is your account?

Maybe. But it's only embezzlement
if you spend it outside the company.

It's gone. It's empty.

- She got to it.
- There goes the company.

Okay. Now, hold on now.

Let's not panic because
I-I know someone who can find her.

- His name is Frank.
- That's Gob's puppet.

I'm going to prison.

You haven't heard from Oscar
lately, have you?

- No.
- Okay.

And the next day
Michael returned to the office...

to tell the employees
that Black Friday had indeed arrived.

Hey, Ted. What's goin' on?

Nellie got all of us our checks
and these great new computers.

Excuse me. Nellie, you did this?

I took it out of the N. Bluth account.

If you spend it within the company,
it gives the prosecutors nothing.

Also, it was the only way to get myself
the 10 grand that you owed me.

Ten grand? What... What did you
do with these guys exactly?

They mostly just cried.
You've got a real morale problem here.

You cried?

- Listen, I thought that you were going to...
- Steal it?

- Yes.
- But I might be your sister, remember?

The fact that you didn't steal it
might actually be proof that you're not.

Even if we're not related,
I think I would like for you to work here.

You're very, very good at it...

and what you do for a job is not really
a great way to make a living, you know?

- I make 300 grand a year.
- Marry me!

It's weird on so many levels.

On the next Arrested Development.

Gob has a religious conversion.

I've seen a sign,
and I want to make this work.

A committed relationship
that actually means something.

How about you?
You want to do just the two of us?

And Buster's fake coma
is put to its greatest test.

- Don't you die on me. Don't you die on me.
- Oh, my.