05x01 - Wonderful Wonderful

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

This is your new job. It's a maternity store.

This is the back room.

You stay. No entra aqui. Okay?

Idigame, pendeja!

You must be punished.

Nancy: he's the mayor?

Are you in love with me? Yes.

Mom?

You take too many dr*gs. Mostly xanax and coke.

Cocaine? Coca?

At some point recently, everything became right or wrong.

What did you do?

What the f*ck? Nancy: exactly! What the f*ck?!

This is supposed to be a pot tunnel!

There's no magical "weed only" sign at the entrance.

Captain till, there's a tunnel.

You make a bust, you get guillermo, and it never comes back to me.

I'm simone. Do you party? I'm harmony.

Yeah.

Head-cheese sandwich, please.

I'm not giving weed to my little brother. Oh.

You're in love with nancy.

I'm not in love with nancy.

You so are. I got to go.

sh*t's blowing up. I used to have sh*t...

Used to blow up all the time... Now nothing.

Legendary!

I am the only one here that has any chance to make amends.

I don't know where quinn is.

She's living in oaxaca with a guy named rodolfo.

Quinn: I'm just so glad that you came here to see me so that I could tie you up and lock you in a room until I sell your ass back into suburban sl*very, you f*cking bitch.

Shall I call your father now?

Tell daddy dean I want $200,000.

Who's guillermo's boss?

Who owns the f*cking tunnel?!

I-i don't know.

I'd like to see you tonight.

Has to be tonight?

I will send a car.

I can drive myself.

Woman: terrifically gift baskets.

I need to get a birthday gift for my 18-year-old.

Can you help me?

I'm thinking of buying some land.

A little farm where I can grow pot. You want a partner?

Woman: what would you like the card to say?

"Silas, you are loved." And add the butter cookies.

I thought you loved me.

I do love you. I think I can make you happy.

It's too late.

Feels like a boy.

It feels like a boy.

Anyone else know about the situation?

Okay.

Well, send some flowers to the families, and, uh...

Buy a new rug.

Um...

You should go home now.

I should.

Cesar will take you home.

No, that's okay. I have my car. I can drive myself.

Cesar will drive you home in your car, then.

No, he must have a lot on his mind.

The sudden death of two... Work friends.

He should take some time to process.

I don't need to process.

Oh.

If you're gonna k*ll me, please do it fast, like with these guys, not the whole, "oh, let's go for a drive, and then at some point, we'll pull over and I'll sh**t you."

Nancy.

Go home.

Alone?

Yes.

I will be in touch.

Uh...

There's another door.

Oh, right, the other door. Okay.

I'll talk to you soon.

Oh, yes.

Okay. Bye, then.

This is a beautiful card.

Here. Take it.

I think I'm gonna pass.

Beauty is subjective.

However, this is gorgeous.

Yello?

Is this dean hodes? Mr. Dean hodes?

Damn it!

What?

f*cking bugs.

Please be quiet when I'm on the phone!

Dean: hello? Who is this?

I have your wife.

Excuse me? Celia.

Celia. Your wife...

You send me money. Me.

Uh, yeah, she's no longer my wife. We're divorced.

Then I will k*ll her.

You hear me? If you do not pay, she dies.

Dad, I'm throwing a 6.

Uh, yeah, listen, I'm broke, and she's my ex, so you do what you got to do, okay?

Are you not listening to me?

I will k*ll her!

I slit her neck! I smash her head!

All right, thanks for calling.

Knock yourself out. Bye-bye.

Hello?

Well, that, uh...

Is the one.

Gin!

He hung up.

Couldn't understand you lame accent.cking oh, he understood me. He's broke.

Who was on the phone?

Someone's kidnapped your mother.

Seriously?

Who knows? Another game?

Sure.

We are fighting for the souls of workers everywhere.

Get me my money!

Jesus!

What the hell is going on here?

So, we pick up some mexican farmland on the cheap and make a go of it.

This cookie is amazing.

It's so simple and yet so delicious.

That's a terrible plan.

The soil in mexico is full of paraquat...

Mexican sewer poop.

No one's gonna want to buy that.

And all the hassle of getting it across the border.

And do you guys even speak spanish?

What are the marks on your neck?

Jerked off with a noose.

Nice.

Hey, stoners, mom ever come back?

Nice hair.

Yeah, simone and harmony did it.

And check it out.

Wrong ear.

f*ck! Seriously?!

I'm kidding.

assh*le.

Oh! Doug: you guys ought to grow it in a national park.

All the cool kids are doing it now, and it's free...

Like the eagle, gift with purchase, the nelson mandela.

Is there a national park around here?

There's cleveland national forest.

We're not in ohio, little man. Are you on dr*gs?

It's in san diego county.

We should grow in cincinnati national forest, silas.

Cleveland.

Cleveland, pittsburgh.

You're obsessed with the rust belt. What is that?

If mom doesn't come home by the end of the week, I call her bedroom.

f*ck that. I'm older. I get the room.

You vultures.

If nancy doesn't come back, we shroud the room in clear plastic and nothing's touched, you hear me?

You touch nothing in there, animals.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Best two out of three. Go.

1, 2, 3.

Oh, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm back.

Oh. You're back. She's back.

Yeah.

What's wrong with your neck?

Hello?

Rodolfo: I have your friend.

What? Who is this? What friend?

Your friend, celia. I have her.

And you pay me money or she dies.

Celia?

Celia hodes!

I have kidnapped her, and today I chop off her ear.

How van gogh.

What?!

You send me $40,000, or I'll do it!

It's too early for this.

We're really not friends.

Okay, thirty-thou...

Hey, you up? You awake?

Heard your cellphone ring, so...

Andy, I need to sleep.

Nance, I got a plan.

That's nice.

We should flee.

That's my plan... Fleeing.

We can't flee. Why not?

It's the mexican mafia. There's nowhere to go.

Yeah? What are you gonna do?

Sit around, wait for them to k*ll us? You? You and us?

It's only a matter of time, nance.

You finked, and they know it, don't they?

And now they're just playing with you.

You're a cat toy, and they're cats...

Mexican cats, gatos.

Please, let me sleep. No.

Time to get up, 'cause I've got a whole plan worked out.

We're going to denmark.

The mexican mafia's not gonna find us in copenhagen.

Right? It's supposed to be wonderful there.

Wonderful, wonderful. And I love you.

Andy...

...i'm pregnant.

I need to sleep.

You're... Wow, that's...

Andy, wait. What?

No, no, get some sleep.

But, um... Shh, I'll talk to you later.

What?

Cesar: nancy.

Oh, hi, cesar.

I'm giving you an address.

You will be there at 2:00 p.m.

Did you get to the a**l-r*pe scene yet?

Thanks for ruining it for me.

Don't worry. There's two.

I don't think I'm gonna finish this.

Hello, shane. Doing your reading?

Mr. Sandusky, uh...

Did you actually read "the kite runner"

Before you assigned it?

I did. I thought you guys could handle it.

Can you handle it, shane?

'Cause it seems like you can handle a lot.

You're such a multitasker.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure, you do.

No, I don't.

Shane, I have 23 papers to grade tonight.

They're all on anne frank.

Do you know how depressing that is?

You pick really sad books.

Which is why I need some pot.

Plus, you people can't write for sh*t.

That's even sadder.

Shouldn't that be "more sad"?

Tell me, smartass, if I were to confiscate your bag right now and go through it with principal rowan, what would we find?

A cure for depression?

He always wore wife beaters or t*nk tops.

He had a beard. I like guys with beards.

You saw no one else the entire time?

No big boss?

No, just the cute one with the beard.

Man: hey, cap, there's a guy on line one calling from mexico.

He's demanding to talk to you.

Trace it. Could be related.

Yeah.

Let me get this straight...

You want a ransom for celia hodes?

Go f*ck yourself!

Cancel the trace. It's bullshit.

Silas: see? Right here?

That's a six-hour hike, and there are no roads up there.

I think we should check it out.

Andy?

Oh... Yeah. It's... Sure.

It's gonna be a lot to carry.

We're gonna need to pack out all the plants, advanced nutrients.

We need tubing for a water system.

Hello?

Who?

Celia?

That c**t can lick my balls. Tell her I said hi.

So, tubing, plants... What else?

I don't remember inviting you into this, doug.

Come on, I'm an extra pack mule.

And I'm bored, and I'm good at this.

I used to take my family camping every year.

And andy's gone catatonic, so, you know, at least you could chat with me.

Andy, buddy, doing okay?

Fine. I'm doing fine.

Hello.

Yeah, I know celia.

Well, we're all gonna die.

What's it mean, anyway? Life is cheap.

People die, and people have babies.

Every day, they're having babies.

What's with that, kidnapper man?

I mean, women in their 40s are having babies?

Doesn't that seem weird to you?

What? No. I'm not gonna pay the ransom.

Hello?

Rude.

Andy, who's having a baby?

No one?

And I'm in the z's.

No one?

Do you have a facebook page?

Maybe you have some friends there?

I don't have a facebook page.

Clearly, that would be a waste of time.

What are people saying when you call?

Ah, that the economy's bad, that you haven't talked for a while.

And many people said to say hello.

You're just trying to be nice.

Everybody hates me.

Very much.

Did you put something on those scratches, like... Neosporin?

Eh. I'm okay.

No, you're not.

Why do you let her do that to you?

She's abusive.

Roberto, you do not have to take this.

Rodolfo.

And how often does she hit you... Rodolfo?

I don't know.

She doesn't mean to hurt me.

I just... I make her so mad someti...

What the hell is going on in here?!

I'm trying to make the phone calls, quinn, but nobody's paying.

Fine. Then f*ck it.

We'll k*ll her and sell her organs, okay?

Let's go have sex.

Entonces, doctor, ¿haciendo estas pruebas vamos a obtener la paternidad y el sexo del bebe?

Si, y tambien podriamos detectar cualquier desorden de cromosomas o genetico, sindrome de down, trisomia 13, trisomia 18, sindrome de turner, sindrome klinefelter.

Los resultados estaran disponibles en siete o diez dias.

Cesar: ¿los podemos tener antes?

Necesitamos tiempo para cultivar las celulas de la placenta para el analisis.

¿Y este procedimiento tiene algun riesgo?

Siempre se corren riesgos en este tipo de cosas, pero el porcentaje es muy bajo.

¿Tu que piensas, cesar?

Necesitamos la informacion, como dice el doctor, el riesgo es muy bajo.

Muy bien.

Entonces hacemos la prueba.

Por favor, mirabel, prepara a la sra. Gonzales para un ultrasonido, vamos a ver si vamos a entrar a traves de la cervix o el estomago.

Hello?

Can someone please tell me what's going on?

¿Ha firmado la señora los papeles dando su consentimiento para la examen?

No, ahora lo hara.

Nancy, you need to sign these forms.

What am I signing?

It's a consent for a cvs procedure.

I don't even know what that is.

I can't understand what the doctor is saying.

This is ju... Uh...

Forget it. I'm going home.

Por favor nos permiten un momento.

Necesito hablar con...

La sra. Gonzales.

Despues hacemos la prueba, ¿si? Por favor.

Claro.

Señora gonzalez?

I'm not comfortable with this.

I don't even know where I am.

It's like I've been sucked up into the alien craft and I'm being probed.

Where are my clothes? Can someone please bring me...

You have no idea, do you?

This is your baby.

I... Totally understand if you need proof.

Why don't we make an appointment with a doctor in ren mar, someone who speaks english, actually addresses me like I'm a human being?

We'll go together. We'll get lunch after.

How about that?

How about that?

How about you're lazarus?

Risen from the dead.

And you will lie back, open your legs, and show dr. Brisa, the doctor I've chosen, that in your flat stomach, there is a baby that is both male and mine.

I want to go home.

If you want to go home, cesar will take you.

You want to go? Go.

Doctor.

That was humiliating.

Rodolfo: I know. I-i'm sorry.

I could not untie you.

You are supposed to wipe front to back.

If I get some kind of infection...

It wasn't exactly a thrill for me, okay?

Just tie her back into the chair and wash your hands, rodolfo.

Is this really necessary?

Come on, quinn. Enough is enough.

You've proven your point. You're angry.

And I have to make amends for my many mistakes, so here is my proposal.

As we all know now, I am broke.

But that doesn't mean I can't charge, on my credit card...

And worry about it later... A week at a spa.

Let's just forget all of this silliness and go have rehydrating facials.

You look a little dry there, honey.

Oh.

They're gonna saw you open, mom.

They're gonna slice out your corneas, your kidneys, your lungs.

They probably won't be too interested in your liver, considering your past.

But by the time they're through putting you into a dozen igloo coolers and shipping you off to the black market, you should net me about $100k.

And then I'll toast your memory...

From the deck of my beach house.

Oh, honey.

You can't buy a beach house for $100k.

And when they cut out your heart, mom, I think I want to be there...

Just to confirm that you had one.

Jesus.

I survived cancer and rehab for this.

f*ck it. Can I have a drink?

You had cancer?

Don't you dare start feeling sorry for her. Shh.

Did you have chemo?

Sure... Chemo, radiation.

Do you have any more of that stuff you gave me that made me sleep... I'll take some of that.

Quinn, they will not take her organs.

What?

She had radiation, chemo.

And a double mastectomy.

They're going to know this the moment they open her shirt.

Quinn, it's no good.

You f*cking bitch!

Quinn! Enough! Enough!

Get out! Out!

Out of my life! Out of my tent!

You are a mean person!

Have fun together.

Oh, good christ.

Watch out! Incoming! Take cover!

Aah, my eyes! My eyes! I can't see!

Doug, if you don't help, you can't come.

Why can't we just buy some new stuff?

There was a dead mouse in that backpack.

Hey.

Hey, kid.

What's wrong with uncle andy?

He's baking banana bread, like 13 of them.

Oh, he's freaking out 'cause your mom's pregnant.

Excuse me?

Knocked up, private!

Baby on board! Muffin in the muff! Grr!

You're just an idiot, you know that?

What? What? I didn't knock her up.

Mmm, something smells amazing.

They say that pregnant women have a heightened sense of smell.

Are you talking to me?

Well, I've been thinking.

Just because you've been a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut who had unprotected sex with a mexican gangster, that doesn't mean that we can't be friends, right?

Did you want to lick the spatula?

I need to ask you a favor.

Of course you do.

I need you to take shane up to my sister's in the oakland house.

Jill price-gray, with a hyphen? Bitch face?

It's the lesser of two evils.

I'll have to check my schedule.

I love you, too, you know.

Yeah, but not in the good way.

Shane: you're full of sh*t.

Ask her yourself.

You're pregnant?

Yes.

See?

You've got a big mouth.

You've got a big baby.

And you're how old?

Women my age have babies, shane.

So, when's the abortion?

I'm having the baby, silas.

Andy: come on, it's a new life, it's a new sibling for you guys.

It's the key to keeping her mexican boyfriend from murdering us all, at least until she pops, and then we flee to denmark.

Dad would be so proud.

Shane, tomorrow andy's going to take you up to oakland to stay with my sister for a while...

Your aunt jill.

You remember aunt jill.

f*ck... That.

Wait, no. Andy's coming to the forest with me and doug.

It's for your own safety, and that's the end of it.

You're going.

Your little camping trip with andy will have to wait.

It's not a little camping trip. It's business.

I got to get my clones in the ground.

What a bunch of bullshit!

He stays, I get sent to oakland?!

Forget it!

You're right. You know what? Take them both to jill's.

No way! I'm not just some kid you can send to his room!

Oh, and I am?! f*ck you!

You totally are. What?

You get one pube, you think you're a grown-up?

Just deal.

Shane. Hey, hey, hey!

I'm baking in here! Silas!

Aah!

Don't. Andy, do something.

What? I got to check the bread. Stop it!

I've got an afro down there, you assh*le!

Stop it! Yeah, surrounding your p*ssy.

Gorgeous.

God damn it, I said stop!

Hot! Hot!

My beautiful loaf.

You ruin everything you touch!

Yeah, you better run!

f*ck you!

Hey, nance, you're back.

What's new?

Careful, okay? You bringing sunscreen?

It'll be okay, sweetie. It's only temporary.

We'll talk on the phone.

Hey, what's going on?

Flash mob.

Why? 'Cause it's cool.

'Cause it's cool.