05x03 - Su-Su-Sucio

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

There's a tunnel. You make a bust...

...you get guillermo, and it never comes back to me.

I know you're the rat.

And rats die.

You're the knocked-up puta whore rat.

She end up in a landfill.

We should flee.

And I love you. I'm pregnant.

I need you to take shane up to my sister's in the oakland hills.

Jill price-gray, with a hyphen? Bitch face?

They're awake. They're awake.

Oh, hi.

No, you deserve to be appreciated, and me too, you know, because, um...

It's just been a long time since I was appreciated.

Why are you still here?

I will organize everything.

Do not make me go back there.

I have no friends.

Doug: you guys ought to grow in a national park.

All right, well, these are mine now, silas, now both of you get the f*ck out of here before I have to sh**t you in the head.

It's the doorbell. Her doorbell barks?

I'm here to keep you company.

I don't need company. He thinks you do.

Call off your goon.

You should be taking better care of my baby.

What's the point?

When am I gonna end up in a landfill?

I haven't decided.

Oh!

You... Don't dictate the terms of this arrangement.

Time to go.

I am through with you.

Right back at you.

You remember sucio. He will watch you now.

Sucio usually tortures people for us.

Now he's the one being tortured.

Don't you have people to k*ll?

Wow. Is it too much to ask that he takes a shower?

He is comfortable with his man smell.

Live with it.

Whatcha writing?

Ransom note.

Exciting.

Ransom note.

Here you go.

Are you sure you shouldn't type that?

This is a rough draft.

"Insisto."

Oh, no.

You should say "demand," not "insist."

I mean, you don't have a list of insists.

You have a list of demands.

Please.

I have been writing ransom notes since I was a very young boy.

Who are we kidnapping?

We intend to kidnap the minister of commerce.

He has people who are willing to pay for his return.

Cold.

You know, some people just aren't writers.

Some people are talkers.

So, come on. Let's try it.

You talk, and I'll just write it down.

Celia, thank you, but I can handle this myself.

Please. You're a lost puppy. Let's start again.

You must stop this. Stop what?

I am not a puppy. I am a man.

You are undermining me. No, I'm not.

Rafael y lopez. Ooh... Lopez.

No. Rafael used to pick on him at school, and that dynamic still hasn't changed.

Send gutierrez.

I'll just finish this up.

Hey.

Nance...

Do I know you?

Not funny.

Sucio, brother-in-law. No "sh**t."

Sucio, andy.

Andy... Sucio.

Sucio.

Su-su-sucio?

It's a phil collins...

How'd it go with shane?

How do you think it went?

He had to sleep in scott's marathon-trophy room, share a bathroom with the children of the corn.

Those twins are creepy.

He's safer there than he is here.

How's my mature, responsible, older sister?

She's looking hot.

She is?

Time's been kind to the price sisters.

Oh, don't lump us together.

But you're so alike. No, we're not.

Nothing, nada.alike...

No. Bathroom. Baño.

No, no. Shoo.

So, sucio.

Sucio... Sucio.

Really, you've never heard that song, "su-su-su... "

Okay. Well, that cuts off my breathing.

Payaso.

Oh, I'm... I'm a clown? Is that what...

Okay, yeah. I can live with that.

I have to go to the doctor... Now.

I'm bleeding.

This place gives me the creeps.

Welcome to my pregnancy.

No one here speaks english.

I'm thirsty and afraid to drink the water.

The magazines in the waiting room are all in spanish.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

You were behaving recklessly again.

Maybe it's all the rough sex I've been having.

Who is this?

Esteban, andy, my brother-in-law.

Andy, the father of my child... Esteban.

Mm.

I pictured you taller.

He's not needed here.

Oh. I think she begs to differ.

That's your cue to begin begging to differ.

You talk like a clown. Payaso.

Why is that the worst thing you guys can say to someone?

Doctor.

Buenos.

A mexican gyno?

Nance, if you're putting together a mariachi band, yes, go mexican.

Down there, you want a jew.

Mm, sí.

Como ver a cuando examen por de mujer exactamente si hay algún problema.

Huh.

¿Está bien, no?

¿Una problema?

No cramping?

Just some bleeding.

You have not ingested cocaine or methamphetamines, huh?

Oh, I can assure you I've been off cocaine and amphetamines for almost a week.

Joke.

You're okay. Don't stress yourself, hmm?

I see you for your next visit.

Gracias, doctor. Señor.

Now, you go straight home.

Can you drive me?

This little crisis has already disrupted my schedule.

Now go relax.

If I hear you're not relaxing, there will be consequences.

Hey, congratulations.

You're gonna be such a great dad.

Psych.

See that... Outdoor shower?

Feel free to use it anytime.

No, stand down.

That's my son... My son who's supposed to be in the woods, tending to his clones.

Went down a bad road. Who's this guy?

He's my bodyguard... Sucio.

Oh. Hola.

Sí. Hola.

Uh, you want some coffee? Brewed a fresh pot just for you.

Oh, pbht! sh*t. Baby. Sorry.

You know, you don't look it.

In fact, you look great.

Gorgeous, thin.

How much do you need?

I want to open a store, a totally aboveboard and legit retail establishment.

What exactly would this totally aboveboard and legit retail establishment sell?

Medical marijuana.

No.

Oh, come on! Obama's president.

They're not gonna bust them anymore.

You got contacts at the justice department?

It was in the paper.

If it's legal in the state, the feds won't come after you.

It's no-risk.

Where marijuana's involved, there's always risk.

My exciting and death-defying adventures in the drug trade should have taught you this by now.

I will only buy from growers with prescriptions.

I'll go through all the proper channels, I promise.

I will do it right here in ren mar.

I got it all worked out.

Like it or not, you've made this the family business.

At least I'm doing it legal.

Opening a retail store is nuts in this economy.

Mom, I'm selling weed.

It's as close to recession-proof as it gets.

Besides, doug is helping me.

He knows all about running a business.

How reassuring.

Just keep him away from the inventory.

Guineo, guineo.

Whoa. Is that a yes?

I mean it, silas.

Don't let doug anywhere near the product.

Oh, stop... Other son...

Who's supposed to be in oakland with my sister.

What the hell are you doing here? I'm done.

Sucio, that's my sister.

You can sh**t her if you want.

Not really.

She banged uncle andy.

You didn't.

What? I can do things.

Oh, my god.

She's a screamer. Would you shut up, you weird little pervert?

He was taking pictures and was gonna show scott.

Oh, good move.

Shane, you're going back with aunt jill.

You will keep your mouth shut to her husband and her children about what a nasty whore their mommy is.

Is that clear?

Oh, no, he's all yours... In so many ways.

Can I go upstairs and unpack?

No. Yes.

Bye, aunt jill.

Your little monster is not coming back to my home.

The perfect jill price-gray, with her perfect husband and her perfect house, can't do the only thing I've ever asked her in my whole life.

Oh, you're joking.

Every sentence out of your mouth starts with, "oh, jill, would you, could you, do you mind if..."

Why do you think I stopped talking to you?

'Cause you're a self-righteous bitch.

You know what? I don't need this.

I'm better. This was a slip.

I've worked through my codependence, and I'm done bailing you out every time you get into trouble.

You don't bail me out. You just lecture.

That's a cute necklace.

Then I'll spare you the lecture.

I got it at nordstrom. Oh, no, you know what?

I think I got this online at etsy.

Oh.

Please... Do me this one favor.

Shane's not safe here.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Nothing. I'm just... Pregnant.

Who's the father?

It's complicated.

Yeah, well, it always is with you.

You know what, jill?

If you're not gonna help me, then f*ck off.

Is... Is he the father?

Sure.

You really will sleep with anything.

Look who's talking. Andy: we have electrical tape, right?

Jill, what are you doing here?

assh*le.

Come on, nance. Is it so out of character?

Let's get out of here. Do you live near here?

Upstairs. Really?

Eh, okay, let's go upstairs.

Okay, everything seems to be in order here...

Social security numbers.

Uh, wait. Wait.

Where it says, "state fully the exact nature of business for which a license is required,"

You only wrote in "retail."

Oh. Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There you go. Thank you.

"Pot luck"?

Club... Pot club.

Pot club?

No, no. Not, uh, pot club.

It's a medical-marijuana dispensary.

Oh, my.

It's gonna be huge.

Well, I'll be right back.

Okay.

What an uptight bitch. It's totally legal.

I'm starting to feel like this was a bad idea.

Think she's got food in her drawers? I am starving.

Who's she talking to?

Jackpot!

Sour punch bites.

We should leave.

Look, I am very high, and I'm not paranoid.

So you, being not high, should be even more not paranoid.

Unless you are high. Are you high?

You're right.

What we're doing here is perfectly legal. Perfectly.

I've got nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing.

Except maybe that guy.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we can't approve your application without the signed, authorized consent of a local law-enforcement official.

Law enforcement? Oh, great.

Sour punch bites?

Oh, no, thank you. I have some of my own.

Okay, wait. Wait. Let me think.

Oh, yes, I have a good one.

I don't think I like this game.

Keep going.

I'll bet your mother never told you about the time she dated her math teacher in junior high.

Gross!

That's total bullshit.

Oh. Bet she was a real heartbreaker in junior high...

Body fully developed, precocious, sophisticated, bored with all the other kids her age.

Mm, not really... Flat, cliquey, "b" average.

First, more wine?

This whole not-drinking thing sucks. More for us.

Anyway...

His name was mr. Schiff, and he threatened to s*ab himself in the heart with a geometry compass when she dumped him.

That is so f*cked up.

First of all, he was delusional.

Second of all, I rejected all of his advances.

Third of all, I was getting all a's in his class.

He finally got fired, divorced his wife, and camped out on our front lawn until daddy had him taken away.

He used to send you notes from the loony bin.

W-why is this your favorite story? Because it's awesome.

Why don't you ask your aunt jill about the time that she missed the bus and was late for class?

Thrilling tale...

Screwed up her whole sense of right and wrong.

You know what?

Just once admit that you had sex with mr. Schiff.

Just once admit that you had a crush on him and you were bitter because he was more attracted to me than he was to you. You are still just a raging narcissist.

I don't even know why we're arguing about this.

I was 13. The man was a pedophile.

Ladies, please, this is shabbas dinner.

I'll be upstairs throwing up.

I don't mean to be judge-y, but, you know, where'd she meet that guy... Home depot?

So, a-am I hearing this right?

Next to molly's pet depot, where I got my first dog, scraggles, across from the surfside pancake hut...

You guys want to sell dr*gs? Exactly.

Uh, for medical purposes only, strictly compassionate care.

Boys, this is a wholesome town.

I grew up here, lived my whole life here.

I even plan on being buried here.

So, uh...

I'm gonna want my cut.

Cut?

Fixed monthly payment or percentage of the sales...

Your choice.

Doug: can we have a second?

We're a little new to this whole extortion thing. Take your time.

I'm gonna help old ms. Spencer cross the street.

What do we do?

When I was on city council, I gave the owner of a gay bar the same choice.

Wanted to open up a place called the white swallow.

He chose the percentage.

Sucky choice... Turned out the only fruits in agrestic besides my son, josh, grow on trees.

A lot more stoners here in ren mar, but I'll cook the sh*t out of the books.

Great.

So you two pick a poison?

Monthly payments. Sweet.

No, no, wait. Wait. I said the percentage.

You said the percentage sucked.

Yeah, for me, but in that story, I was him, not us.

See... Okay. Now I'm confused.

C-can I start over?

Sorry, fellas... No backsies.

Monthly payment it is.

Now bus over that application.

Yeah.

Stoked.

We were... We were playing him.

It wasn't... It was...

I-i took the percentage in the story, but that was not me.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Okay, enough.

I know your calling card is this whole rugged, unwashed thing.

I can't take it anymore. You're gonna have a shower.

No comprendo. Comprendo this.

Come on.

Señora. Come on, come on.

Por favor. Come on, come on, come on. You're gonna love it.

Okay.

Um... Soap.

Jabón. Soap.

Uh, shampoo.

Don't really know the word for that.

Towel. Don't really know the word for that, either.

Lavar. Lavar. ¿Sí?

Como se llama... "Loofah"?

Loofah.

Right.

I'm just gonna go get your loofah, okay? Uno minuto.

Jill: oh! Andy: oh, god.

You're gonna miss your flight, baby.

Oh, I don't care. It's okay. I don't care.

I don't care. Screw the flight.

This might be the last time I come by f*cking.

All right. I'm working on it.

Shh.

All right. Come on.

Oh, god. That's it. That's it. Yeah.

Oh. f*cking sh*t!

Oh, man.

That's it. I got a little more.

Sucio? Sucio?

I know you're naked... Maybe even clean.

I know it's very scary for you. And new.

Sucio? Dónde está usted?

Shane... Have you seen sucio?

No.

He was showering. Now he's gone.

Come on, shane.

Here we go.

Cover your ears.

Stay where I can see you and you can't see anything.

Jill: I'm close. You are f*cking hot.

I'm close. Shh. Oh, you're so good.

That is so hot.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, wait, shh.

Oh, god! Yes.

Oh, f*ck, yes. I love that.

We got to go now. Not safe.

What the f*ck? I waited until you came. Be grateful.

Both of you get dressed. Meet us at the car.

Someday when you're older and you're in therapy, you'll make sense of all this.

Man: wake up, lady. Wake up.

I'm gonna need to see your passport.

Where in the f*ck am i?

You're in texas, ma'am.

Where are we going? Nancy: airport.

We're gonna drop off aunt jill, and then we're gonna go and get silas.

This is exactly why you should have stayed with her.

At least with you I'll go quick. With her it's a slow death.

When's your return flight?

Mm, two hours ago. You'll get on standby.

Come on. Can we go?!

Well, I'm... I'm... I'm not ready to go back.

Andy, let's just go to a hotel.

Jesus, what does he do?!

Great and careful work.

Please get in the f*cking car.

Get in the car. Get in the car, please.

Get in the f*cking car. Get in the car. Get in the car.

Get in it! Get in it!

Jill: not until you tell me what's really going on here, and don't start with the f*cking koreans...

Bullshit, bullshit, and more bullshit!

All right, you really want to know what's going on?

I have f*cked up my entire life in ways you can't even imagine, and I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out of it this time.

And what am I supposed to do with that?

Get on a plane. Go back to your family.

Be glad you're not me.

Sorry, but I would f*cking love to be you.

Getting kind of stuffy in there. Get back in the car.

Oh, you're fighting.

Both: back in the car!

You just took off and put it all on me.

I was a kid. You were older.

By a year and a half.

I couldn't handle it, okay?

Well, guess f*cking what... Neither could i.

What do you want me to say?

How about "thank you"?

"Thank you for staying in the hospital with mom, jill, "and for doing it all over again with dad, jill, "and for making the funeral arrangements for both of them.

"And I'm sorry, jill, by the way, "that I couldn't be there to help.

"I was off playing ballerina and... And getting laid

"While you were wiping sh*t and writing 'do not resuscitate' orders."

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I am... Have been... Such a disappointment.

I realize that's a lot to hang on to, and...

It must really suck.

Now, will you please get in the f*cking car?

Hello? Esteban: I hope that you're staying off your feet and taking it easy.

Oh, I'm on my feet. I'm fleeing.

What's going on?

Where is sucio? He's missing.

There was blood, and guillermo told me that if he ever found out that I'd ratted about the tunnel he'd k*ll me.

So, maybe... Maybe his guys? No, no, no, no, no.

You would be the one who was dead, not sucio.

Now, get yourself to a safe place and wait for my call.

Do you understand?

I-i realize you haven't decided whether or not to k*ll me after I have the baby, but could I have cesar back for now?

Wait for my call.

You still want to be me?