05x09 - Suck 'n' Spit

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

We can't get our weed back without a court order.

I will help you.

After I slam his d*ck...

In this drawer. I can do this.

You're pretty will front you all the products that you need to put yourself on the road to financial freedom.

I can sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift.

Oh, no. I-i-i can't steal their weed.

No, you just tell them that you got ripped off by black people.

Strike a pose, harm.

They really want to have sex.

Both of them? Use condoms.

¿Tienes un idea de lo que se significa?

All I know is some mexi-c**t screeches at you, suddenly the marriage is off.

She's just protecting my public image.

No. Because she owns you.

I am the father of this child.

I couldn't put esteban's name on the birth certificate.

So you put my name on it.

I'm not doing this for you. This is for me.

I want something that matters in my life.

This is unacceptable. My son will be baptized.

Sorry. He's jewish.

My son's not gonna be raised by that pendejo!

"That pendejo" sticks around!

And he's not a coward.

A madre...

A madre...

Imadre!

Andy?

I need the bed, andy.

It lives here.

I made up the couch for you...

Soft... Lots of blankets.

Great. Enjoy it.

Oh.

Ohh.

No.

No! Jesus!

So, are you and esteban over?

Looks that way.

He's pissed about the jew thing, huh?

Uh, i-i have no idea, andy. Why don't you ask him?

Can you turn off the light, please?

No. My bed, my rules.

Okay, there's some things I want to say.

Of course there are.

First, physical contact.

If we have to share a bed, don't even think about spooning me, 'cause that's not happening.

Second, pillows... I use three.

Under the head, between the legs, and a hugger.

Third, night farts...

Happen.

Especially since I've been dieting.

So beware when you lift the covers, and don't expect apologies... Andy!

I need sleep!

One night of sleep in a bed!

No sounds, no lights, n-nothing!

Fine.

But just so you know, I'm not your rebound guy.

He's winding up. Go get him.

What about lupita?

It's her night off. You wanted to be a daddy.

This is your big chance... Night feeding.

It's where the big boys play.

This is just so you can have the bed.

Yes, it is.

There's... There's breast milk in the fridge.

You can warm it up in the bottle in a pot of hot water and test it.

And don't forget to burp him and sing.

He likes that... "Me and mrs. Jones."

Seriously?

We got a thing...

Going on.

Can you check on the baby?

I fed him.

He probably pooped.

That's how babies work.

I was thinking that you could handle the poop and I would amuse him by making funny faces.

You can make funny faces while you wipe his butt.

I'm gonna pump.

Okay.

Ow! What?!

I just changed him!

He's hungry again.

He wants his mommy.

Well, I'm empty...

From the last pumping.

Go pop a bottle in his mouth.

Uh...

You're trying to break me, aren't you?

No!

This is what parenting is...

sh*t and food.

sh*t...

And food... Mostly sh*t.

Wiping sh*t.

Keeping them away from sh*t.

Minimizing the external sh*t.

It's parenting sh*t.

What about love?

It's there. It's just...

Buried under all the... sh*t.

I still feel used.

Talk to me after you've had to have something clamped onto your breast every three to four hours.

You think I never had my nipples clamped?

Ashley stepanski...

I don't care. Go. He's crying. Go, go.

So, a-after the judge signs off on the release form, and after I get the pot back from the cop at the evidence locker, I put it in a black duffel.

I-i bought one just for this.

I'm not gonna charge you for it, though.

Anyway, i-i threw it in the back of my car.

But on my way home, marine view road is closed.

So I detour onto pacific, but I didn't know that would take me into chula vista.

So I'm lost. I don't have gps.

So I stop at a gas station.

But the attendant only speaks bengali.

So I ask a couple of guys selling stuffed tigers outside the mini-mart if they know how to get back to ren mar.

Next thing I know, I wake up in... In the backseat.

They got everything. Your... Your pot is gone.

I've got a crooked d*ck, and there's no pot?

Silas, you understand.

I mean, it... It w-wasn't my fault.

I... I'm the victim here.

Hey, shane.

Holy sh*t. Nice bar. Can we get drunk?

Um, hi. I'm... Not sure.

Go ahead. Tell him.

Tell me what?

There's this thing.

It hurts when we pee.

It might be nothing.

Or it might be chlamydia.

See anything?

Nothing on the underside.

What's the white stuff under the head?

Uh, it's just lotion from this morning.

This morning?

Uh, nothing. I don't know.

Oh, sh*t. Okay, didn't see anything.

Have fun, kids. Have fun.

N-nope. Uh, I'm back.

Uh, I can't allow this.

It doesn't seem... Very responsible.

On the one hand, I approve of the triangle formation and the daring use of spotlights.

On the other hand...

I might have something.

Not tonsillitis, I'm guessing?

We all have chlamydia.

Okay, everyone out.

Uh, dancer, prancer, go tell your own parents.

Mm-hmm. Go, go.

Don't have any sexual encounters on the way home.

And, shane, button up, and then we'll go get this checked out.

Oh, it's fine. It's... It's nothing.

No, it's not fine. It's never nothing.

Oh, sometimes it's nothing, but only after you make sure that it's not something.

And then if it is something, I'm sure that it's something that can be fixed.

You ever...?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well, a couple times.

I think. If I can remember...

Take a deep breath.

Hold that breath.

And let it out slowly.

Doesn't that feel good?

Thank you, danielle. Good aim.

I play softball.

Well, of course you do.

So, am I smoking the mascara or the blush?

You have the winter...

Winter's kiss.

Winter's kiss powdery blush.

And pinky has...

Lucky lash. Lucky...

Waterproof. Lucky lash waterproof mascara.

You sure I can put this on my credit card?

That's what makes this the best deal in town.

Your weed shows up as "beauty products"

On your credit-card statement.

No cash needed. Smoke now, pay later.

What do you say?! Are you feeling pretty?!

Lady, I never feel pretty.

But right now I'm feeling good.

I'll take one of everything.

Me, too.

And I got some friends that are pretty hard up since that dry-cleaner pot club got shut down.

What about this?

You buy from me and resell it to your friends.

The more you buy from me, and the more they buy from you, the sooner you're gonna pay off those credit cards.

Oh, yeah.

Come forward and receive.

But first...

Business.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Here you go. Thank you.

This is great... No crying, no poop, just a good old-fashioned std scare.

This is my wheelhouse.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

I'm in an lgbt clinic waiting to see if my 14-year-old has a venereal disease.

I'm never having sex again.

Buddy, you got to get back on that horse and ride...

Not bareback.

No sex ever again. That's a very good idea.

Terrible idea.

Sex is awesome. I enjoy sex.

You enjoy sex.

Why shouldn't shane enjoy sex? Right, shane?

I just had a q-tip in my dickhole.

Cotton-eyed joe.

We've all been there. No big deal.

I got a cat hair lodged in my urethra one time.

It's not bestiality.

A sleeping bag at burning man. Cat girl.

Oh, god, she meowed when she got close to...

No, the last thing we need is another uncle andy fractured fairy tale.

I don't want him thinking this is okay.

This is okay.

I don't want shane living your life.

As opposed to living yours?

'Cause you've been such a good object lesson for him.

I-i've been a parent, not a friend.

Well, it's not chlamydia.

High five.

He does, however, have an infection.

What... What kind of infection?

Candida. It's a yeast.

A yeast infection? Seriously?

I'm gonna prescribe some gentian violet to rub on your penis.

Or if you want the cheaper over-the-counter option, you can use vagistat.

No, no, no, no, no. We'll take violet over vag.

Money's no object... For my nephew's object.

Right, shane?

See, you're being a buddy, not a parent.

Will you two stop?

I don't need a buddy or a parent right now.

I need a pharmacist.

He'll be fine. Rite of passage.

Thank you.

Granted, not, uh, exactly the bar mitzvah that he should have had.

Andy, a moment of silence, please, while I continue to enjoy the sweet caress of alcohol for the first time in far too long.

Okay.

Can I talk now?

Now?

So, f*cking male yeast infection.

That's crazy, right? Who knew?

It's like a cross-pollination sort of thing...

Mad cow, hoof and mouth.

The human body is a complex and mysterious experiment.

It's a sewer.

You're still reeling from that diaper change.

That wasn't human. You didn't see that.

I've seen it.

Well, he's lupita's problem for the next couple hours.

Oh, he's nobody's problem.

He's my son... My third son.

My third... Son.

Yeah.

The little bastard saved my life.

And he's pretty damn cute, right?

Like... Sick crazy cute.

These drinks are strong.

Why can't babies just talk?

They come out knowing how to breathe.

Talking should be a... What do you call?...

Involuntary action.

For you, it is.

Imagine if stevie could say, "hey, I got something in the pants.

Put me on the potty... Stat."

You'll learn to read the signs.

Oh, god. I should have pumped.

Ohh.

So, they hurt or...?

Yes. Hurt.

Do you want to go?

No. Hmm.

It's my first time out. H-hang on a second.

No way.

f*ck!

Okay.

Okay, relax.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, god damn it. f*ck it all to hell.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Andy?

Hi. Yeah.

Could... Could you come in here?

Yeah. In the... Bathroom, yeah.

No.

No.

Just... Just shut up. Just come in here.

Bye.

My dream is dead.

Paradise lost.

We'll start over.

I'll grow in the upstairs closet.

This is america. I did it once, I can do it again.

You can't start over. You get one chance.

You blow it, that's it.

Adios, losers.

I am out of here for good.

For great.

New condo.

Ocean view. Covered parking.

Saltwater pool.

Good for you, mrs. Hodes. Thanks for stopping by.

Enjoy packing. Thank you.

Yeah, good for you. Who you f*cking?

Nobody.

I did this all on my own, selling you're pretty cosmetics.

And I am selling a shitload.

That bullshit makeup company?

Yeah, that bullshit is buying mama a new life.

God, it's good to be back on top.

Engorged. I'm engorged.

"I'm engorged"?

"Engorged." It hurts.

Please, I need you to suck it out.

Cant' we just...?

I tried! Oh, maybe...

I tr... I tried.

Okay. Please, be the baby!

Okay.

I've done my share of role-playing before...

Some crazy, weird sh*t.

I was a werewolf... Shut up and suck!

Wait. Hold it.

What's it gonna taste like?

Rum and milk.

Okay, okay.

Here we go. Lips to nips.

Ow!

No teeth! No!

Sorry. Sorry.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Okay.

Mmm. Spit, spit.

Ugh!

Ugh! Wow!

That's a really interesting flavor.

I imagined a spout, but it's like a showerhead.

It's like...

You swallowed!

Yeah, well... I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Andy?

Why is the bed moving?

Wow. I guess we had an earthquake.

You're jerking off.

I couldn't sleep.

Well, take a f*cking ambien.

That's what I was doing. Nature's ambien.

The old tried-and-true male way...

Cum, sleep.

I'm right here!

Well, I'm engorged. It hurts.

I need you to suck it out.

Be the baby.

This is too f*cking weird.

Um, I've seen you in the bathtub.

You watched me f*ck your sister.

I suckled you.

But this is too weird for you?

Which is why we should cling to any last shred of normalcy that we can. Okay.

Just be two normal people.

Normal brother/sisters-in-law sharing a house and a bed together, raising a mexican-american child.

Just normal.

Exactly.

Which means masturbating on our own time.

Yeah, 'cause I'm swimming in that these days.

Today was a bath of me time and personal space.

Sounds like a feeding.

I'll get this.

Go ahead. Take your andy time.

Um, can andy time be about 15 minutes?

Just keep it on that side of the bed.

Just so you know...

If you want to rub one out in bed, I totally get that, and I'll stay way over on my side.

You won't even know I'm here.

I-i just had a baby less than two weeks ago.

The father of my child might be gone for good, so rubbing one out isn't exactly at the top of my list, but thank you.

All right, just wanted to reciprocate.

Hey, when you... You weren't thinking about...

Don't flatter yourself.

Here.

For when you...

Burp.

Go ahead, sweetheart. Share.

This is a safe place.

Well, he says that I can't do anything on my own.

He says no one will hire me.

That I'm too stupid to have a job.

He calls me dummy-no-jobby.

And whenever his friends come over, he...

He what... Locks you in the closet?

Dresses you like a maid?

Go ahead, dummy-no-jobby. Finish the story.

What happened?

Um...

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I want to make a lot of money selling your face chemicals.

Well, we don't carry products for men, so please leave the way you came in.

What? You're kicking me out?

What? 'Cause I'm not some bored housewife?

What's that?

Sir, you're pretty is for women who have been marginalized and... And disenfranchised and who have never been allowed the opportunity to succeed.

Well, I need the opportunity to succeed.

Please leave. Hmm?

Okay, if you wouldn't mind opening your incentive booklets to page 5.

Okay, okay. I see the game here.

And I'm gonna sue you for sexual harassment.

How about that?

You, uh, mean discrimination?

That, too.

I demand you let men sell makeup.

Okay.

Look, assh*le. I will hook you up with a starter kit if you get the f*ck out.

You're blowing my gig here.

Starter kits are for pussies.

Well, you think you can handle a full order?

Damn right, full order. Fill me up.

And I want one of those incentive booklets, too, so I have incentive.

You single?

I dig snatch.

Me, too.

You want to go out?

Buy three full orders, and I'll think about it.

Okay?

You have a pretty day now, hmm?

Very pretty.

He drank 4 ounces.

Nice.

Think that'll translate into 4 hours?

Let us pray.

I can't. I'm too tired.

Hmm.

Interesting.

How did you get in here?

You are in bed together.

Chill out. Look.

Pillow wall.

A small house. Few rooms.

Mm, it's fine. I'm not threatened.

Well, maybe you should be threatened.

I have... Something to tell you.

So, tell me.

Alone.

I'm not leaving. This is my bed.

Say what you have to say.

Marry me.

We've had this discussion before.

I would like to have it one more time.

Never gonna happen, pal.

Andy, would you give us a second?

It's my f*cking room!

O-kay.

Let's go downstairs for a minute.

Yeah. Do that.

I'm going back to bed. I need my beauty rest.

What are they saying?

Steven will know his father.

I can't hear that well.

I'll give you a dollar if you go find out.

What the f*ck am I gonna do with a dollar?

All right, 20 bucks. Why don't you go do it?

'Cause I don't care! Now get the f*ck out there and find out what's going on!

I'm gonna wind up secretly engaged to you until one day steven asks me who his real father is?

We will get married... Now.

Steven will know who his father is.

Suddenly everything's fine.

Last night I had dinner with the woman I'm supposed to be with.

Wow. Okay. f*ck you.

No, no, no. She knows the right people.

She says the right things.

She wears the right clothes.

She's the perfect candidate's wife.

But she turned you down, so now you're here?

I love you. So I'm here.

And you love me. So I'm here.

And we have a beautiful baby together.

So I am here. And I am staying here.

Get down!

Mom?