05x13 - All About My Mom

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

If I was sh*t in my jerk-off arm, I'd be mad, too.

I can make the pain go away anytime with a pill, but I don't want to.

Hey, f*ck you, man.

They smoked heroin.

Her friends suck.

She kind of sucks.

I'm gonna out-nancy nancy.

You two idiots want to get back at mom, right?

All right, then. Let's do this right.

You know what? I could use a little more snake bite, I think, for my lips.

Nancy, it's me. The cops are after me.

I have this bag full of plants.

I need your help.

Bingo!

I knew it was a bad idea having you pick me up.

Gayle has a thing for me. They're dangerous, andy.

Fornicators!

I'm gonna ask audra to marry me.

I want to give her my mom's engagement ring, the ring that judah gave you.

So, can I have it?

Pilar zuazo. I want her dead.

Depends if you can help me out.

Help get my case transferred to mexico.

Esteban reyes?

He's not here. What?

He was released four hours ago.

He's back on the ticket.

She pulled him back in.

¿Señora?

Good morning.

I'll step outside so you can get undressed.

W-what is this?

A gift for you.

Oh, no, thank you. I don't want it.

I can't leave this room until I've done my job.

Please leave.

I can see you need me.

Let me help you.

Don't make me sit on you.

Relax.

Relax.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry. Just be limp.

Do you know my husband's running for governor?

Yes, I heard. Congratulations.

Now relax and breathe.

He's a puppet.

You be my puppet.

Let me pull the strings.

Men are weak.

Some men are weak.

Women are strong...

Until they... Fall apart.

You're not going to fall apart.

Oh, no? What makes you so sure?

You're a warrior... Like the boss.

Very similar, locked up in all the same places.

Armored and ready for battle.

Yeah.

At least we still have that in common.

You'd be surprised how much you have in common with pilar.

Pilar?

Yes. She sent me to you.

She wanted you feeling relaxed and well.

Did we do the job?

There you are, you feral bitch.

Stop right there.

I'm diggin' the hair.

You got this whole crazy gypsy thing going on.

Want to lick my crystal balls?

I have a proposition for you.

Does it involve licking my crystal balls?

I have some product I'm trying to unload, and I'll let it go cheap.

Fire sale. I'm out of here.

I-i'm getting out of this business.

Since when are you in the business?

Anyway, I'm broke. How broke?

I got $37.

Ugh! Crap.

How about this?

You take my stuff on credit, you reopen that little shop, and then pay me back in a timely fashion.

And if you screw me on the deal, I'll have your legs broken by a mexican goon.

What do you say?

Deal?

Let me see what you got.

That's not my pot. Where'd you get this?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Oh, my god!

You know!

Know what?

Oh, christ. Of course. f*cking dean.

You're the worst actor ever!

Where's my pot, you stinky gash?

My pot-store pot!

I sold your pot-store pot. Then where's my f*cking money?

I rented a condo and bought this pot.

Then this is my pot, and you owe me.

No, I am not letting you have that.

I've worked too hard for it.

A minute ago, you were begging me to take this.

That's 'cause the heat is on.

But that doesn't mean you can just take it!

That's right the heat is on.

I'm gonna call that black cop and have you arrested.

W-wait...

How did you know he was black?

What?

You son of a bitch.

Ooh!

I thought you were breast-feeding.

I had a little too much to drink last night.

Oh.

Oh.

I know.

Here I go, failing yet another one of my children.

I didn't say that.

No, you didn't.

You don't say much of anything to me anymore.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know.

So...

There we are.

You should go feed the baby.

Hey, guys.

I've got to go feed the baby.

Then you should do that.

I fed both of you.

Breast-fed both of you.

I did.

Well, thanks.

You're welcome.

Weirdness.

She's mom.

She's mom.

Who is it?

Adelita.

She probably snuck out to see those f*cking idiots and can't get in.

Hello?

Hey.

Where are you?

I'll...

Be there in a sec.

Where is she?

She's here... In her room.

She wants me to come up there.

Wear a condom.

You learned that lesson, huh?

Or don't.

See what'll happen.

Maybe she slept with someone who slept with someone who slept with someone famous.

You could get gwyneth paltrow's herpes or lady gaga's genital warts.

I hear everyone is dying for john mayer's syphilis.

Where do you get your intel?

I make it up.

Hey!

Hey, there.

Um...

Do you see... See my laptop over there on my desk?

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, could you look... Look up...

Could you just bring it to me?

Uh, just, uh, just put it on the bed by this hand and... Open it for me and go.

You called me up here to get your laptop, which is 4 feet away from your bed?

Go f*ck yourself, princess.

No.

Silas, wait.

Hey... Half my body's gone numb.

I-i just want to go online and try to find out why.

You want to google why half your body is numb?

Yes.

You could be having a stroke.

I'm not having a stroke.

Okay? This... This has happened before.

Well... It was... It was just my hand, okay?

'Cause i-i hit a nerve one time I slammed into my wrist.

It was... It was dumb.

Slammed?

Injected.

Heroin.

Holy sh*t!

You're a junkie.

I am a recreational user, okay?

f*ck you!

Is this from the stuff you were smoking?

No.

It... I think it was... From the stuff i-i took later.

Oh. Perfect.

I'm calling your dad.

Don't you f*cking dare! Okay?

I thought you were cool.

You never thought I was cool.

That's true.

Just... Just get out of here.

I don't know why I called you anyway.

Just... I'll be fine.

Sure.

Good luck to you.

Wait! Silas.

Silas...

Could you maybe sh**t me up just once before you go?

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay, ready?

I'm not sure.

Okay, get ready then. Okay.

This is sexy. Sexy?

Yeah, sexy. Okay.

Sexy?

Uh-huh, sexy.

You're turned on, huh?

It's a flex fuel.

I registered it under a pseudonym so the whackos can't trace it.

I unlisted our phone number.

You sold general lee.

Yeah, and, uh, and the slot machine and the air hockey and, uh, a few other things.

Not ms. Pac-man.

No. What are you, crazy?

I mean, I love you, but I've known ms. Pac-man a lot longer.

She'll always have a place in my heart, so if you're threatened, then we need to talk it out.

I want to see inside.

All right. Watch this.

Ooh, that's nice.

Hmm? Yeah!

See, it's all about the... The glide.

I'm thinking "greased lightning" or "melvin."

Haven't settled on a name for him yet.

This is like a living room.

Yeah. Come sit in the front.

Okay.

Nice. Come on.

Oh, my god, there's two tv screens. That's bonkers!

Don't make me come back there.

Come on.

Fine. Here I come.

Ahh.

Ooh, this feels good.

Ooh, a little lumbar support. Great.

Um, what if we got one of those, uh, pine-tree air fresheners?

Where would we put that?

Oh, I hate those things. They make me sneeze.

And then we'd lose our new-car smell.

Ooh, wow, gps.

God damn it, look at the rearview mirror.

What? Is there something behind us?

No, there's nothing behind us.

Everything's in front of us.

Everything is in front of us, so just... Oh, look.

You know, you shouldn't leave that there.

If the light hits that and it gets refracted into your eyes, it could momentarily blind you, and you could crash.

So maybe I should take it down.

Yeah. Just to be safe.

Yeah.

Want to marry me just to be safe?

f*ck!

Hello?

Audra? Oh, thank god.

Yeah, she can't talk right now, buddy, and neither can i.

Got to go, bad timing.

No, andy, please, I have to talk to audra.

It's an emergency.

You're k*lling me!

Ooh, did someone else get sh*t?

Did you enjoy your massage?

Candela is magical.

Yes. Magical.

Not as magical as esteban.

He disappears, he reappears.

Esteban and I can never stay mad at each other for too long.

We've always been a great team.

So... I'm guessing death and/or blackmail and/or, uh, imprisonment is the...

Glue that holds you together.

We have come to an understanding.

I'm... So happy for you both.

I thought you were bad for him.

The pollsters have told me otherwise.

You know, I can admit when I've made a mistake.

He will win, even married to you.

But... It would still be best if you stayed in the background.

Oh, don't... Don't mind me.

Can you leave my house now?

Nancy.

That's okay.

I should go to prepare for the party tonight.

Big party at my house, nancy.

Fundraiser for the campaign.

You should come... For 30 minutes.

Then you will get a headache and leave.

I promise to deliver him back before dawn.

Adios.

So...

You had some day yesterday.

Yes.

I went looking for you.

I know.

I found you... On tv.

You look good on tv.

You know...

She has everything...

Every indiscretion... Documented...

Photographed.

I could cooperate.

I could go to prison for life.

Those were my options.

What would you have me do?

Is that... Are you wearing my deodorant?

It's for men.

I like it.

I don't want to have my nose in your armpit and smell myself.

So don't put your nose in my armpit.

No. Do you hear me?

I don't like you wearing it.

I-i-i like the way it smells.

You smell like a man.

You will not wear it again.

Is that clear?

Yeah.

I got it.

You're the man.

You know, I was just thinking about you.

I saw a dogfight last night.

Two pit-bull b*tches ripped the sh*t out of each other.

One of them had a really nice ass.

Where are you?

Mexico.

Thanks, blanca.

You know, it's nice to be free.

That was fast.

Yeah. You did good by me.

I want it done today, guillermo... Today.

I held up my end. Just... Just... Do it.

Sure. It's no problem.

I'm your boy, right?

So, you're benefiting from my experience.

When quinn tied me up, I chafed.

You should be pretty comfortable.

So, what happens now?

Well, I go back to my fabulously successful career as a drug dealer because there are no black cops looking for me.

What happens to me?

Mm.

I haven't thought that through yet.

I could sell your organs.

Well, you've had the best one.

I don't do d*ck anymore.

Do tell.

I met a lady.

Nice.

She is nice, nice to me.

She understands how a woman works.

When we kiss, it's soft, and our breasts press against each other and... Oh, who am I kidding?

I need d*ck.

Who is she?

She sells cosmetics.

You f*cked raylene?

You know her?

I tried to know her, but she likes girl parts.

And success.

Yeah, well, you pretty much stole any chance I had at that.

Well, survival of the fittest.

You were stupid. And you were greedy.

Oh, right. Like you wouldn't have done the same thing.

That's not the point. Oh, well, then what is?

We were both greedy and stupid, and look where it got us...

Sitting here in some storage locker.

You with the stench of p*ssy on your lips and me with a drawer-dented d*ck.

Well, speak for yourself, 'cause I am just fine.

Till the next time you think a cop's watching you.

Wow, you folded so quick.

Maybe you're not cut out for this.

No! I want to be a drug dealer.

If nancy can do it, so can i.

How did she do it?

She had a team.

I need a team.

People I can trust.

I don't trust anybody.

That's gonna make it hard to put together a team.

Nancy had a team. I want a team.

Do you want to team up with me?

f*ck you.

So, who are you gonna team up with then?

Fine.

But you team up with me.

What difference does it make who teams up with who?

It makes all the difference.

You're tied up.

Bottom... Top.

Andy.

Oh, hi, nance.

Hi, nancy. Nice to see you.

Tell me someone else hasn't gotten sh*t.

No, no. It's... I'm here to see my nephew and say hi.

Thank god. She's in he...

You said you wouldn't say anything.

She's roaming the halls. I don't know.

What the f*ck is going on?

I think adelita o.d.'D or something.

O.d.'D on what?

Heroin.

She's a junkie.

Hey, silas, uh, come in with me.

Um, I'll find you when I know a little bit more.

We don't want to overwhelm her.

Right.

Okay, sweetie, healer of the sick, saver of lives.

I love you.

Wow.

So, you did it, huh?

I did. She's a doctor.

I'm marrying a doctor.

And she actually said yes?

She will. She's hooked.

Uh, ding dong?

Oh, yeah.

Adelita's a junkie.

Um, I think with the accent, it's "yunkie."

Jesus.

Fancy boarding schools, three languages, but a neglected child is a neglected child.

You're gloating.

What?

You're gloating.

You're a little glad esteban's daughter's a drug addict.

More than a little glad.

I am not. It's horrible.

Esteban's gonna be heartbroken.

Gloating.

A-a little. No, I'm not.

He did put down my children, told me I should have sent them away.

Wow.

Bloom is off the rose, huh?

Little sorry that you pledged eternal love and devotion?

I can't rely on men.

Doesn't mean I don't love them.

It doesn't mean I walk out.

It just means I adjusted my expectations.

Men... Are weak.

I'm not. I'm f*cking steel.

Yes, you are.

And you're getting married.

Yep.

We're like an o. Henry story.

No.

We're our own f*cked-up little story.

Why is he always here?

Afternoon.

I like him.

Hey, congrats on your new run.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Sit down, join us.

Andy just proposed to audra this morning.

Ah. Congratulations.

Marriage is a complicated and delicate dance.

Yeah. It is.

Sell it.

So, why... Why are you here and not with your fiancee?

Oh, she's here, too.

Who else got sh*t?

Nobody got sh*t. Adelita wasn't feeling well.

Why didn't you tell me that?

What's the matter?

What's the matter? I should go see her.

No, audra's up there with her.

You can go and see her in a little while.

What is the matter with my daughter?

She is pregnant, isn't she?

Stupid, stupid girl.

Oh, come on now.

I hear she speaks three languages.

She's not pregnant, esteban.

S-she has... A heroin problem.

What are you talking about? Adelita?

That's impossible.

Hey, I know all the best rehabs.

I'm totally addicted to that show "intervention."

I...

...can't.

He can't.

Well, then, I will.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

But I figured we're all unemployed and had nothing else to do, so...

I'm celia hodes, team leader.

Doug wilson, finance, co-team leader.

Dean hodes, legal.

Sanjay patel, sales.

Ignacio morello jr., Supply.

Perro insano, muscle.

Down, boy.

Introduce yourself.

We all know each other.

Do you want to play or not?

Fine.

Isabel hodes, brains.

I have a team.

I'm gonna have to take it off when I do surgery.

You're gonna have to take it off if you don't say "yes" already.

So, what'd you and nancy talk about?

I don't remember.

I was too busy thinking about you.

Bullshit. It's true, I was.

I was thinking about how you owe me an "I love you"

From when I said it in the hall outside the junkie's room.

Well, in that case, I love you.

I love you more.

Have a seat, sinners.

Mom arranged it for her to go someplace in arizona.

She's on the plane now.

It was weird seeing esteban cry.

f*cking idiots.

Slow down there, cowboy.

I enjoy the bubbles.

I'm not gonna become an i.v. Drug user.

No.

You like pain too much.

Why didn't you go to europe?

'Cause it looked like you were gonna go off the deep end, and I wanted to be around to jump in.

You should go. I'll be fine.

We'll see.

There's also mom to worry about.

The teflon warrior?

One day, her luck's gonna run out.

You having a good time?

The tuna poke is good.

Get used to it.

Get used to tuna poke?

Get used to the role you're playing.

Get used to pilar and her ways.

I'm not prepared to get used to pilar and her ways.

No?

Well, what a bad girl scout you are.

I've prepared in other ways.

Have you now?

Oh, mini sliders.

You know, you should get one before you have to go.

Yeah. We'll talk about it later.

No, no.

No, no, no, no. Come.

I'm sorry, nancy.

I'm sorry about everything.

It's life.

That's what shane told me.

Something happens today, something else will happen tomorrow.

Yeah.

Wait. It's cold outside.

Here.

I'm not going anywhere, you know?

Tell the boys I'll meet them in the car?

You're trusting me with your kids?

We're all broken.

I know. My time is up.

Why don't we take a walk first?

You look nice.

Well, thank you. You look nice, too.

So, guillermo.

Interesting choice.

Guillermo?

I admire the cojones.

Next time, you might want to hire someone who doesn't work for me and who isn't still mad at you for ratting him out.

I'll keep that in mind... Next time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, some bitch told me I had to leave early.

Oh...

Your press-on nails are digging into my arm.

You think this is a joke?

You took a f*cking sh*t at me and you hit my kid and you cut my husband's balls off.

That's three you owe me...

Four if we count the balls separately.

Let's make it six.

We're counting yours, too?

Esteban needs you and the baby for photos, but, uh, silas and shane... They are... What's the word?

Extraneous.

We don't need them to complete our pretty pictures.

You come anywhere near my children, I'll k*ll you myself.

You look stunning in black.

The people will be very sympathetic toward the grieving mother who has just lost her beautiful children in a tragic...

Car accident?

Or perhaps a... Plane crash.

Or perhaps...

A croquet mallet?

I couldn't find a golf club.