Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times when you still feel shipwrecked and alone.
Times when even the most resourceful survivor will feel the need to put a message in a bottle or on an answering machine.
Hey, this is Aidan. I'm not in.
-Leave a message.
Ah, yes!
Strong arms, strong arms.
Earth to heaven. Yes!
Remember, every movement has a meaning.
I couldn't help but wonder what it meant that I wanted to talk to my ex-boyfriend again.
I've been making "faux" calls to Aidan.
What? Faux, F-A-U-X.
You know, when you dial, but you have no idea what you'd say if he actually answered.
It's emotional Russian roulette.
You, you mean, you call, and you hang up?
Ah, yeah, that's pretty much the drill.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
I don't even know why I'm telling you.
Don't tell anybody else.
Carrie, tell them what you told me.
That I'm not going to your African dance class ever again?
Or that you can't keep a secret?
Carrie's calling Aidan.
And hanging up!
Why are you calling him?
I...
I think I want him back.
How do I do this?
Well, first you have to be willing to accept the fact that after what happened, he might not want to hear it.
I am willing to accept that fact. How do I do this?
You don't. One word, granola.
So not you.
Aidan's perfect!
He stripped her floors.
He just needs to get rid of the turquoise rings and the tummy.
Oh, the tummy is gone.
At that thing last week, he looked... disturbingly good.
He's the new, improved Aidan.
Low-fat granola.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks good, he looks good.
But that's not why I want him back, though.
I just miss him.
Did you miss him before you saw him?
What about the turquoise? I miss him.
I've missed him for months.
Okay, you need a safe approach in case he rejects you.
E-mail him.
No, I don't... I don't believe in e-mail, I'm an old-fashioned gal. I prefer calling and hanging up.
Oh, come on, honey, you gotta get online, if only for the p*rn.
Yeah, um, would you please stop sending me those?
Oh, come on, it's funny.
I can't get e-mail just to write to Aidan.
That's pathetic.
It's not just e-mail. You can shop online.
Oh, no, no, no, shopping is my cardio.
Okay, okay, I know what you do.
Don't call him. Don't e-mail.
Just show up at his furniture store... wearing these.
Ew! What are those? Fake nipples.
And why are we carrying them around?
They were sent to me as some kind of promotional thing.
Really? Is there a nipple council?
Are nipples getting a bad rap?
Nipples are huge right now.
Open any magazine. It's not that cold.
Those girls are either tweaking or they're wearing these.
Sam, put 'em in. I want to see how they work.
No, no, no, Samantha already leads with her breasts.
That's not a very good experiment.
Miranda, you try them.
Oh, yeah! Now that I'd like to see.
I'm not certain, but I have a feeling my boobs were just insulted.
All right, cover me.
That's it.
Ooh!
That's obscene.
Okay, walk.
We have secretly replaced Miranda's normal nipples with rubber ones.
Let's see what happens.
Okay, that's it. I want my nipples back.
The next day, sans nipples, Miranda's cardio put my cardio to shame.
She was training for the marathon.
And running wasn't the only thing getting her heart rate going.
Are you sure you're in the right group?
Ten-minute mile, right?
I was here last week.
Yeah, I know, but the thing is, um... we never get any cute guys in this group.
All the cute guys are in the seven-minute mile group.
So I'm the cutest of the slow guys, is what you're saying?
Knee surgery.
Oh.
Have you run the marathon before?
Past four years.
Wow. What about you?
Oh, first time.
Cool.
We should train during the week.
Are there runs during the week?
I don't know.
I meant just the two of us.
Oh, sure.
That'd be great.
Miranda was thrilled.
But she still wasn't sure if he was interested in anything more than a running buddy.
Stay alive. Stay alive.
And Uptown, Charlotte's marathon redecoration continued.
I can't believe I ever questioned this wallpaper.
I love this wallpaper.
And I love you.
Oh.
Well, I guess we're done with this room.
Mm-hmm.
Time to move on to the study.
There's one room in every marriage that forces the question...
How long do we want it to be just the two of us?
It's right off our bedroom, so...
Well...
What do you want to do with this room?
Well, it could be a good room for a...
B-A-...
...B-Y?
I think we already have enough bathrooms.
Trey and Charlotte were finally on the same page, and the page had a baby on it.
Meanwhile, Samantha went shopping, nipples blazing, and picked up a '94 Cabernet and an '84 Harvard MBA.
Believe me, this is nothing.
It's a blip.
No, we can't retract it, because that's what you said.
Warren Dreyfous was a founding partner of the communication strategy firm that made the Exxon oil spill an "incident" rather than a "debacle."
Look, I've got to go. Yeah.
And next time, talk to me before you talk to the press.
All right, man. Bye.
Sorry about that.
About talking on the phone or staring at my nipples?
About talking on the phone.
That night, I tried to compose my first e-mail, a witty, yet sexy, yet sensitive note, to Aidan.
Ah!
And across town, Samantha was getting some "male" as well.
Oh.
As a lover, Warren was fantastic.
But as a communication strategist, he made one major mistake.
Samanfa, does your 'gina-wina wanna wittle visit from my mister mister?
Ick! No!
He didn't say that.
It's not what he said, it's how he said it.
In baby talk. Ugh! Baby talk's the worst.
How can they think it's sexy?
It's like, it's like putting ketchup on prime rib.
Stop, you're ruining it!
I know, and it's such a shame because this guy is hot.
I finally had to sit on his face just to shut him up.
You know, some men use baby talk to avoid intimacy.
While others simply choose not to respond to your e-mail.
Aidan still hasn't written back?
Ah, 14 hours, but who's counting?
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Isn't this adorable?
Don't you think that maybe it's a wee bit small?
Oh, you guys.
Trey and I are trying to have a baby.
Why?
Don't you think that maybe you should wait awhile?
I mean, you guys just got back together.
I can't wait. I'm the oldest woman I know who doesn't have a baby.
The oldest married woman who wants one. You know what I mean.
Sweetie, if that's what you want, I'm very happy for you.
Thanks. You're welcome.
And I promise I won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about diaper genies.
Good!
Ooh, look over here!
What the hell's a diaper genie?
I don't know. Someone you hire to change a kid's diaper?
Hmm.
Charlotte?
Hi, Tricia!
Tricia Watson was one of those hip moms for whom Barneys would always be stores, not dinosaurs.
Cliff told me you and Trey are back together.
I'm so glad. Aw.
This is Mary Elizabeth.
Hello, Mary Elizabeth. I'm Charlotte.
Pleased to meet you.
Trey and I are trying to get pregnant.
Aw, that's great!
You and Cliff should come over for dinner this week.
We just redecorated our dining room.
We haven't even used it yet.
I'd love to, but try finding a sitter for three kids under eight.
I can't believe I'm 34 with three kids!
I invited the Watsons over for dinner Tuesday.
They're bringing their kids.
All righty.
Charlotte, 35 with no kids, decided it was time to get serious.
The next day, I worked on a little piece I was calling, "36 hours and still no response from Aidan."
The Indians had to wait up to six months for a response.
It took me six months to get the message that I wanted to be with Aidan.
And now, I couldn't wait another minute.
Are all these improvements in communication really helping us communicate?
In matters of love, do actions really speak louder than words?
I decided to take action.
And this time... he answered.
Hello?
Why won't you respond to my e-mail?
Who is this?
Oh, Carrie. It's Carrie. Hi.
Hey!
I was just asking if you ever got my e-mail.
ShoeGal? What?
That's my screen name, "ShoeGal."
Oh, yeah, yeah, I think I got it and deleted it.
That's not very neighborly.
Well, I get so much damn junk mail, if, ah...
I don't know an address, you know.
Oh, I have the opposite problem.
I've received two e-mails total.
One from Miranda, and one welcoming me to AOL.
What'd it say?
Oh, just, you know, how to use the different features and stuff and you know, like "welcome"...
No, no, no, the one you...
Oh! Oh, the one I...
The one to you, oh.
Um, you know, it doesn't even matter.
Oh, well, you know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that, um, you, and Steve and Miranda and me could go out sometime.
You know, just like as a... you know, a fun group thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
Okay, great, so I'll set... I'll set it up?
Okay. Okay, so, okay.
Bye. Bye.
Meanwhile, Miranda's run led to "want to come up for coffee?"
Which led to sex, which led her to believe that marathon man could be more than a running buddy.
I'm all sweaty.
You taste great.
Hey, Miranda, did you get my e-mail about our double whatever it is?
Yes, and I'm ignoring it.
So far, not impressed with the e-mail.
Why would I go out with Steve?
No, no, you're not "going out with Steve."
You're going as my airbag in case there's an impact.
And Steve's going as Aidan's airbag.
Well, would you explain that to Steve, because I don't want him to get the wrong impression.
I'm dating other people now.
Who? Marathon man?
Yes, we slept together after our run.
Well, I guess he was interested.
Did he live up to his nickname?
Yeah, it was good, except he kind of... licked my butt.
Be specific. You mean the cheeks or...
It was more localized than that.
Ah.
Wait a minute, are we, are we talking... tuchus lingus?
I'm afraid so.
And I thought it was weird. It's weird, right?
I mean, are we doing this now?
Well, if the guy's willing... why not?
Anyone other than Samantha?
No, no, no, I never had a guy do the "TL" on me, no.
Well, actually, no, one time it almost happened, but I got the feeling he just lost his way.
Well, Trey likes to do it.
We're married!
Okay, I'm definitely in the slow sexual group if even Charlotte is open to this.
There's something happening with men and the ass.
It's true. The last few guys I've been with have been much more eager to attend to it.
You know, digitally.
How did this happen?
How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu?
I bet there's one loud-mouthed guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, "Women love this!"
Who is this guy?
Who's the woman who loved it?
Don't knock it till you try it. Bingo.
Maybe I shouldn't have pulled away so fast.
Was this my last sh*t, you think?
Am I out of the ass loop forever?
I mean, I can't bring myself to ask for it.
You don't have to ask for it, just lean into it.
No words necessary. He'll get the signal.
But then, do I have to reciprocate?
No, I would never do it back to them.
Neither would I.
Me neither.
You wouldn't?
That night, Charlotte performed a more traditional wifely duty.
She cooked dinner for her husband and their guests.
Go ahead, everyone.
This looks amazing, Charlotte.
Trish is amazed that anyone cooks.
Well, Trish has three kids, which keeps her kind of busy.
I don't want to sit next to the lady!
Martin, that's one.
Hmm!
How many does he get?
Forty-five.
But I don't want to!
Martin!
Um, we can rearrange if you want.
No, it's fine.
Ow!
Martin, do you need your inhaler?
No! He's asthmatic.
Not going to be much in the sports department.
Not all little boys have to play sports.
Don't talk to me like you talk to the kids.
Martin, up here!
Fancy shoes there, Hank.
They used to be mine.
Now he won't go anywhere without them.
Don't talk about him like that.
-Don't you talk to me like that.
That night, Trey and Charlotte didn't have sex, and they didn't have sex the next night either.
This time, inaction was speaking louder than words.
So this guy from pest control comes over and he sticks a few dead ones on a tape strip...
I, on the other hand, was full of words.
...they're everywhere.
And so I say to him, I say, "Well, you know, sir, what are they?"
And he says, "Lady, I don't know.
That's why I'm sending them into the lab."
And I'm thinking, "No, this is New York, and he's the pest guy, and I've got something he doesn't know what it is.
And that ain't good!"
I gotta take a leak. I'm laughing too hard.
Aw, man, I was gonna go.
And?
And we're men.
We don't do that.
Women can do that, men can't.
You should go. Break with convention.
What the hell? I'm man enough.
Yeah, do I get a say in this?
I mean, we're already partners in a bar.
People are gonna talk!
We're going to the bathroom.
So apparently, Aidan needed an airbag in the bathroom.
You know what? I think I'm okay.
You mean, you think you're over him?
No, I mean, I think you can go.
I, I don't even get flan?
The thing is, if you don't leave now, then we're gonna have to end the night together and you know, we're gonna have to hug, and share cabs according to neighborhood.
And then, and then I won't have any time alone with him.
Yeah...
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
And can you take Steve with you?
Thank you for walking me home.
Oh, hey, you live four blocks from the restaurant.
It's the least I could do.
Good to see you tonight.
I think I want to get back together.
Aw, f*ck, I... was afraid you were going to say something like that.
I was willing to try the friendship thing, but I can't do the relationship thing.
But...
You... you put your hand on my hand.
What?
At the restaurant, you moved to...
Oh, I was trying to make you comfortable.
You just seemed so nervous telling that bug story.
Oh.
Oh. Oh, well...
Like...
Then, I guess I should...
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Miranda didn't answer her phone, so I left her a desperate message and started to send her a desperate e-mail.
-Hello?
Hey, I was just about to call you.
I was IM-ing with marathon man.
Interesting. Will your tuchus be wanting some lingus?
Uh, listen, if things work out between him and me, we never had that conversation.
He's coming over.
Well, I guess you'll be having dessert after all, hmm?
What happened to my airbag?
Outside the restaurant, Steve tried to kiss me.
Aidan kissed me. Although, we kind of mis-kissed.
And I wasn't going to kiss him at all because he said he just wanted to be friends, but then, he kissed me.
-What does that mean?
Oh, my God, he's online!
Can he see me?
No, just step away from the computer.
No, I'm gonna go back there.
Where, to Aidan's?
Well, I know he's home.
Carrie, pace yourself.
Send him an e-mail or something.
No, because then he'll just... say that he doesn't want to see me, but I know he does.
His words said "no," but his kiss said "yes."
That's the defense invoked by date rapists.
I know he still feels it!
When men attempt bold gestures, it's generally considered romantic.
When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho.
I was hoping to prove I was neither.
Hey again, you.
You haven't been out here since I went up, have you?
No, no, no, no. I went home.
And you came back?
Yeah, I came back.
See, I, I...
I think...
No, I feel fairly certain that there is still something between us.
I had a nice time tonight... with you, I did, but I just wanna, I wanna leave it at that.
Well... can I come up and talk to you for a few minutes?
I don't think that's a good idea.
Because of what might happen?
Because it's not a good time.
Look, I know that you're probably scared, and I would be too, but it's different now.
Things are different. I'm, I'm different.
In fact, in fact, gimme a second.
In fact, cigarettes, gone!
Seriously. All bad habits gone.
This is a... a whole new thing because I...
I miss you. And I've missed you.
And it's not just because you look so good.
And you do, and you should know that.
But I lie in bed at night and I think about us, and I think about you holding me and...
You broke my heart!
Carrie!
Samantha!
I wuv your titty-witties!
As I was wishing I had said nothing, Samantha decided she had to say something.
Warren, you're a great f*ck, but I don't need the baby talk.
You don't have to call these my titty-witties.
These are my breasts.
And you don't have to say anything about them.
It's just sex, and it's fine.
Warren?
Warren...
Would you please come out of there?
Can we talk about this like adults?
We're not finished.
I was very closey-wosey.
Okay, you can call them titty-witties.
I'm leaving. I got an early day tomorrow.
Oh, come on, don't pout.
We were having such a nice time.
It was only a suggestion.
Where are my shoes? Ha!
Samantha realized she wore the nipples and attracted a big baby.
And speaking of babies, Charlotte and Trey still were not.
This was delivered today.
I ordered it a week ago.
They needed time to engrave it. I totally forgot.
"We had each other, and then we had you, and then we had everything.
Love, Mommy and Daddy."
Ah, it's completely premature.
I was just so excited.
And now?
Do you not want a baby anymore?
Of course I do...
Don't you?
Well, we pretty much stopped trying after the Watsons came over.
Yeah.
Kids don't even want to sit by me.
I want to sit next to you.
You know, I knew Cliff and Tricia when they were first married.
And they were so in love.
And now, they're just...
Parents.
Yeah.
Maybe if we only have one child...
One to start.
See how we do.
Besides...
Then Trey told the lie that all parents-to-be have to tell themselves in order to procreate.
Our kids will be different.
Even though the whole experience had them a little rattled, that night, Trey and Charlotte made love... and possibly a baby.
And downtown, Miranda seemingly had her communication problem licked.
And she felt like she should do something in return.
Would you like a massage?
I would love one.
I don't want to do that!
Well, why didn't you just say you weren't interested before you were talking into my ass?
This time, we didn't need any words.
Do you want to do this to make up for the past?
To relieve your conscience?
'Cause we're okay.
I've mentally kicked your butt all over Manhattan.
I'm fine now.
No.
No, I just...
I love you.
I still love you. I just...
I wish that I could be your girlfriend again.
I need to think about that.
His actions said he still loved me.
Or maybe he just missed me.
Or maybe he needed closure.
Maybe I'd never know.
The next morning, due to sheer embarrassment, Miranda got what she needed, a running buddy who pushed her into the nine-minute mile group.
And I still had no response from Aidan.
Hey, Carrie! You up there?
Okay, let's give it a sh*t.
Really?
Do you want to come upstairs?
Nah, I promised Pete I'd take him for a walk.
Oh.
You want to go for a walk?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go for a walk.
Okay.
Don't move, 'kay?
I'll be right there!