05x01 - Family Leave

[bunniefuu]

All right!

Michael Bluth had been away
from his family for two months,

and his life had never seemed better.

Oh, head in the sand!

While at a tech company famous
for providing access to any information,

except for its own name,

- he had found friends...
- Jim.

- Oh, nice return, Jim.
- ...been retrained for the workplace...

It's just one space after a period?

That's okay. Let's try it again.

...and was learning new skills every day.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

- How you doing?
- Konnichiwa.

- So, is your family joining you?
- No.

They will not be joining, um,
but, um, maybe just, uh,

one of their kids can take a swing at me,
huh?

While he believed
he had put his family behind him...

This class is geared more to self-defense
for the family, not...

Not from the family.

- ...there were some unresolved issues.
- I get that.

Do you have family-on-family stuff?

A few years ago,
I would have given you the same look.

In those few years,
Michael's life had changed quite a bit.

After borrowing money
from a flirtatious family friend...

- Just till I get on my feet.
- ...whose vertigo made it hard

for her to stay on her own feet,

Michael finally started
his own housing business.

- The collapse of the housing market...
- At the worst possible time.

That's not a great sign.

But Michael soon had
another business opportunity.

- I'm a producer?
- Well, it's a movie about the family.

Although, the heartbeat of this thing
is the father-son dynamic.

- Which put Michael off the project.
- I'm not able to do this.

Until a chance run-in
with actress Rebel Alley...

- I'm sorry.
- Where's a producer when you need one?

- ...put him back on it.
- I'm a movie producer!

And having found
his new leading lady...

I could put your name in for something.

...who turned out to be
Ron Howard's daughter,

Michael was soon acting
like a movie producer, too.

Michael's son was starting
a business

after claiming to have invented
a new privacy software.

...software that's also anti-piracy?
You have a way of doing this?

This could be huge.

Not exactly. It did do this.

...of what programmers
call "hacker traps."

- It's called Fakeblock.
- And word spread.

How does your software work?

Garnering attention
from the same actress to whom

- he gave a fake name.
- George Mi... Harris.

And soon,
George Michael was acting like a...

well, a movie producer, too.

She was raised by a different mother
than Ron's other kids.

It's just a whole different thing
over there.

Anyway, with Maeby
in charge of the business,

George Michael soon found himself in debt.

Maeby, we can't afford this.

And my software isn't even rea... dy.

- He found one place to save money.
- Maeby, you're fired!

And though Michael was losing Rebel

- to her mystery man, he got good news.
- You're dating Rebel Alley?

Do you know the other guy
that she's dating?

No. I know it's over.

She is dumping him.

Which he promptly acted upon.

But it wouldn't be long
before Michael discovered who George...

"Maharis" really was.

Something he kept to himself
when his son admitted...

- I think it might be over.
- Great.

Pain... fades slowly.

- But Michael knew...
- Quickly.

...he'd have to end it.

Tell me about your girlfriend.
You're producing this movie...

I think they're both over.
Wasn't meant to be.

You owe my sister $700,000.

This, combined with a thr*at
from Lucille 2's brother...

- You can't hide in a gorilla suit from me.
- That one's hard to explain.

...sent Michael to a night of drinking
and a desperate proposal

to get his $700,000 debt forgiven...

I'm gonna have sex with you, for money.

...that perhaps overestimated his value,
at least according

to the latest
Balboa Bachelor Auction totals.

And returning from a night with Lucille 2,

which ended poorly,
Michael ran into a brother...

I went to see Lucille 2,
and I lost control.

I did something
that I wish I could forget.

...who had also done something
he wanted Michael to forget.

- Was that wax?
- Put the mask on!

Which is how he ended up drugged
on the floor of the model home...

- It's easy to forget.
- ...where he peacefully slept,

deterring at least one badly needed buyer.

...some of the neighbors
are not to be desired. Oh!

One got in.
You know, I have other properties...

And missing a visit
from Predator Entrapment host

John Beard, who had arrived to retrieve

some hidden cameras, now that it looked

like his predator hole
had been fished out.

It would be another full night

before Michael would come up with a way
to work off his $700,000 debt...

...repay you that loan.

...that he'd forgotten
he'd already come up with.

It was the next call to the woman
he believed his son had broken up with...

The thing with the other guy,
we don't have to talk about that.

...that Michael would most regret.

- Goodbye.
- But there would have to be

one more conversation.

Who was that?

No one.

Michael Bluth left
for his date with Rebel,

surprised to find people working on
what he thought was a holiday.

Boy, you guys don't miss a day.

- Michael had missed two.
- Yeah.

- What, are you tenting the place?
- Hey, Michael. Yeah.

We're getting everything prepped.

Not sure if Maeby's in there,
or Tobias, or something?

Mind if we use the stairs?

Gob said he heard something in the attic.

Oh, yeah, uh, well...

Hopefully, it's not my father.

George Sr.!

Okay.
This bug guy really knows our family.

Michael went to find the source
of the noise,

and soon came across a reminder
of a simpler time,

and his dream of taking his son
on a scuba diving trip.

He'd started the boy young,
getting him trained in

- underwater communication.
- Underwater communication.

"Are you okay?"

- "Yes, I'm okay."
- Okay.

I've wanted to ask you that underwater.

But soon,
the sign language turned...

- "Out of oxygen."
- ...to more pressing threats.

Now, that's one
you're gonna need to know.

- Mm-hmm.
- Who remembers

- "shark"? Huh?
- Shark, that's easy.

- Yeah. Huh?
- "Manta ray."

But don't do that around the shark.
They eat them.

You got "boat," "jellyfish,"

"propeller," and "electric eel." Ouch!

Okay. Let's hit the pool.

Ironically, it was this final thr*at
that did young George Michael in.

- We put on our tanks and we...
- Oh.

George Michael? George Michael?

Hey, pal.

Here we go.

Michael soon found reminders

of other scuba attempts they've made.

- Huh? That was great.
- Oh, yeah.

You really conquered the pool.

I think you're ready for the ocean.

Huh.
I thought we were going to the Reef.

We are. It's in the ocean.

I thought it was a restaurant
by the pool.

Why did you think I said,
"Watch out for the crabs"?

Why did you think I said,
"I always get a hamburger"?

I thought you were kidding.

Buddy? Hey. George Michael?
Oh, he's done it again.

There it is.

Deep breath, buddy.

And Michael found himself
caught off guard

by the fact that his son had grown

right out of his childhood.

And by the brother
who had squeezed himself

right into it.

Oh, God!

Buster? Buster? Hey.

Fortunately, this wasn't
Michael's first scuba scare... scare.

Ah! Okay. Hey.

Michael. Hi.

Am I that much of a monster, Michael?
Even to you?

No, not at all,
I just wasn't expecting, uh,

you know, a man to be sitting
in a Scuba Jr.,

leaping out at me
up in the attic, that's all.

That's all.

I guess that is a little strange.

- You should've seen your face.
- Yeah, yeah, well...

You looked like a little girl.

Oh, God!

Look at that.

Got a new hand?

No, I just took the skin off.

- It's in the dryer.
- All right.

- Buddy, you cannot be up here, okay?
- The tent thing, I know.

I mean, thank God
I found some scuba equipment

because they are fumigating.

Yeah. The skin really muffles the sound
on that.

There's another suit over there;
it's a smaller size, though.

Uh... That's my son's.

- We never got a chance to use it.
- Oh.

Probably too young
to be around the fumes.

No, pal, we were gonna use
this scuba gear for scuba diving.

- Mm.
- Underwater.

- Not to hang out in a poison cloud.
- Mm...

It's father-son bonding
we never got to do.

- Aw.
- Put it on the long list of regrets.

Well, I've had plenty of those
with Mom.

- Have you?
- We used to want to play dress-up.

Her as Jackie O., me as John-John...
But we...

No, I guess we did get to do that
a couple of times.

♪ Motherboy... ♪

- I'm sure...
- That isn't a regret.

- Yeah, no, it should be.
- Mm-hmm.

So why are you here at the house?

Ma said she asked you
to look after me.

No. She actually didn't.

And I can't look after you.

And you cannot be here.

You can't say I can't be here
and say you're not looking after me.

Pick a lane, Michael!

I can't believe she did that
without consideration

for what's going on in my life.

Hope I never do that to my own, uh...

um...

- Mom.
- Son.

- Ah. Oh, right.
- Hope I never do that to my son.

And perhaps it was
in this moment

that Michael realized
he couldn't date Rebel anymore.

Okay. Sorry.
I got my own problems I gotta deal with.

Well, I guess I'm a problem.

- Now I'm a problem.
- No, you're not a problem.

Little help? The t*nk's heavy...

I gotcha.
Oh, you found the flippers, too, huh?

- No, I don't need help.
- You don't? Or you do?

- Oh, pick a lane, Michael.
- I'm trying to help.

- Pick a lane, Buster.
- No, you pick a lane!

- Come on. Ow, ow, ow.
- I picked a lane!

Release that. Release it!

Now the story of a wealthy family

who lost everything,
and the one son who had no choice

but to keep them all together.

It's...

Michael arrived at Rebel Alley's apartment
determined to be honest and end things.

Hey. What are you doing here?

And almost immediately
found himself

helplessly doing the opposite.

I'm dating Rebel Alley.

I'm dating Rebel Alley.

- It's like we're identical...
- There are moments

that are hard to take back.

Moments that create too great a shift
in dynamics.

An earthquake in a family that shatters
both members' notions of themselves.

- ...twin...
- Like when you punch your dad.

I was going to get out of it.

And as they both began to absorb
the weight of what had just happened...

- Hey, I hope I didn't...
- It's forgotten.

- ...they acted as if they hadn't.
- And, um, and you...

- I mean, I hope that I...
- Oh, it's in the past.

I'll let you get back to it.

Yes, great, thank you.

Um, I was just leaving, actually.

Yes. Me, too.

I thought you...

I am now.

And was going to earlier.

- Ciao.
- Bella.

Michael returned to the penthouse,

eager to downplay what had happened
with his son.

Otherwise,
I'll just assume that we're good.

Okay. Are we good?
All right.

Michael was equally eager
to avoid Lucille 2...

Goodbye, Missus.

...whom he believed to be
in her apartment...

Boy. It's like the Weimar Republic
in that place.

...when his phone finally rang.

Don't hang up, don't hang up,
don't hang up, don't hang up,

don't hang up, don't hang up.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

It's Lucille Austero.

- I've been looking for you.
- Oh, hey.

Uh, Lucille, yeah, look...

I...
I called you before, um...

I'm right across the, um, uh, street.

Uh, or city. Street, really.

Our city, um... the... uh...
but we keep

- missing each other, uh...
- ...checkbook...

Uh, I'd much rather do the checkbook.

But I am driving away right now,

so if you actually come out
onto your balcony,

you might even be able to see me driving.

In fact, I think I see you.

Is that you? Can I see you?

Michael couldn't be sure
that she was out on her deck.

While he had second thoughts
about writing... "Love you,"

he couldn't risk her coming out that door.

Hi.

- She still out?
- Uh, no, no.

She's... she's, uh, she's still
in there, but I gotta...

She's kind of obsessed with me,
so I gotta... go.

But she wasn't in there.

Because moments earlier,
a still very upset George Michael

- called a cousin in that apartment.
- I'm sorry about that.

I'm done being George Maharis.
I need to talk to you.

Look, this isn't a great time, okay?

I'm doing a scrub-down.
Nobody can know I was here,

having a little smooch with my boyfriend.

A boyfriend she was briefly seen
at Lucille 2's apartment with.

While she believed
that he was an undercover cop

- posing as a teenager.
- A señor?

- I'm 17. Ha!
- He turned actually out...

...to be a teenager,
posing as an undercover cop,

posing as a teenager.

It's hard to explain.

No, that actually happened to, like,
two of my neighbors at Sudden Valley.

They're not putting me in Sudden Valley.
I'll tell you that much.

That's why I'm here,
picking up anything I left behind

that might be incriminating.

You know? Just panties, leggings, corsets,

the sex knobs, and one of those
double-headed bondage things

with the curly choke leash.

That's probably a landline.

Ew, gross!

- She put her ear on that?
- I need to talk to you.

It's about my dad.
I'm pulling up to the penthouse

to see if he's here, so...

Wait, you're at the penthouse?
No, no.

Don't come up.
This place is crawling with cops.

I'll meet you there in a second.

I gotta figure out how to get out of here
without being noticed.

Okay, I'll meet you in the courtyard.

- For my dog?
- Whoa!

Wow.

You really snuck in.

Hey, you know
what might look cute on you,

instead of that smock?

Also, do you have any scissors?

And moments later...

Don't hang up,

- don't hang up...
- Okay.

And soon, the cousins

met up in the courtyard downstairs.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You were at Gangie's penthouse?
- Lucille 2.

Wh...

You drive her car.
How do you still not know who that is?

I punched my dad.

Wow. Uncle Michael?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

You're burning bridges all over the place.

I don't know what to do.

Well, for starters,
you could post it on Dadfights.

Wait, that's a thing?

It's just, like, a bunch of guys
punching their dads, or...?

Yeah, well, you're supposed to say,
"Guess what, Dad,"

but some dads were catching on,

and they were just whaling on their kids.

You can watch those clips
on That'sWhatSon.

Well, my dad didn't hit me back,
which is even worse.

Still, I mean,
he knew I was the other man.

For God knows how long.

It couldn't have been for long.
He didn't know when I told him.

You told him I was dating Rebel?

Well, technically, I said she was
dumping her boyfriend, but...

Yeah. I was hoping this would happen.

- Hey, you had fired me. I was... bored.
- Mad.

I guess I need to apologize
to him or something.

Well, if he said it was nothing
and now you apologize,

you're gonna make it something.

I mean, what did Gangie always say?
"Forget, but never forgive."

You think she meant to say it that way?

- Yeah.
- Do you think "A friend in need

is no friend indeed"
was also on purpose?

What about "They should take
the rapists and murderers

and put them all together
on an island...

"...and the murderers can be r*ped,
the rapists can be m*rder*d...

until you only have either
two rapists or

- one m*rder*r
- one r*ped m*rder*r

- but who cares about him?"
- Oh, was it "one r*ped m*rder*r"?

I've heard her say both.

I mean, in all likelihood,
the guy would be r*ped.

I should call him and say I'm sorry.

Look, if you apologize to him,
it's gonna make him feel horrible.

So I think you should do it.

And so,
Michael left another message,

careful not to make his son
feel horrible

with an apology of his own.

I wanted to hit you back...

Uh... sorry, um...

I wanted to make
one thing clear, um...

She, uh... She does not know
that we are father/son.

That I was your, uh, your father.

Uh, that I am your father.

Okay? I will not apologize for that.
Okay?

Or anything, really.

So, no pressure to call me back,

but if you want, um,
you know, hit me back.

Okay? Well...

Again, sorry.

Okay, bye.

And while listening
to make sure the coast was clear,

Michael noticed something
he'd missed before.

Sorry to bother you.

Apparently, Lucille Austero's missed
a couple of speaking engagements.

We're trying to find her.

She-She's not in there?
I thought I heard her in there.

No, it must have been
her housekeeper.

Nobody's seen her since Cinco.

Isn't today Cinco?

Today's the sixth.

Huh. Well, I just talked
to her on the phone,

so she's somewhere.

- If you'll excuse me.
- You're Michael Bluth?

- I am Michael Bluth.
- Did you write this note?

Yeah, that's one of mine. Who are you?

Uh, Newport Beach Police Department,
Lieutenant Toddler.

Ah. Officer.

- Yeah, hi. I was hoping you were a cop.
- Hi.

- Always wanted to be a cop.
- Uh-huh.

But they just don't pay fair.

I do okay.

Hmm? Yeah, I'm sure you do.

But, you know, you probably...

you haven't had to pay for
a meal in years, though. Huh?

I mean, I'm sure that you offer, yeah?

Do you talk to Ms. Austero often?

I do not. Not often, no.
I barely know her.

Really? 'Cause it says
right here that you love her.

It does, doesn't it? Yeah.

You know...
"Sorry we keep... love..."

It's the way that I say goodbye.

- Hmm.
- Um...

because you never know, um...

if you're never gonna see someone again.

You should know that.
You see people actually die.

- I've seen one person die.
- Mm-hmm.

A postman.
Uh, was not my favorite day of the year...

...to say the least.

And he is the one that taught me

- about loving each other.
- Love each other.

I guess this is sort of my way
of keeping him alive.

No, it was not.

Is your mother here?

My mother? No.
I'm-I'm all grown up, Toddler.

Okay, 'cause my partner
was here yesterday,

talked to someone who said
that she lived here.

It was a woman with red hair.

In fact, it was George Sr.

Who, after discovering he had
almost no testosterone at all

was frightened and confused

and eager to hide from the world.

I don't allow men in my apartment
without my husband present.

But George Sr. soon realized

his impression of a woman

wasn't going to win him any awards.

So he took off in his trailer
for Mexico to forget

his shameful mistakes.

His son Gob, meanwhile,
was also in Mexico.

Hey, there.

Friend of mine left me a note,
um... in my handwriting,

and he said that you might be able
to set me up with the pill

that makes the memories go away,
like a... like a shame-wow.

A request he'd made over 500 times.

See, I did something
a little out of character.

And, um, the window's kind of
closing in on, you know,

before it lodges in the long-term, um...

What do you call it? Um...

What do you call it?

Brains.

Long-term brains.

But the store vendor had seen Gob
more times than he was able to forget.

- Yeah, make a call. Yes, definitely...
- Policía.

Definitely check with Belicia.

Wish her a Happy Five, by the way.

You guys get that here
or is that just out in the States?

Getting in on it.

- Happy Five.
- Oh, thank you.

- How's your Five treating you?
- Dad?

That's when he ran into his father.

Gob. Gob.

What are you doing here?

Here? I'm just getting some boner pills...

...and this guys says
I don't need them.

He knows from boner...
Anyway, what are you doing here?

Me, too, I don't need 'em.

And then Gob had an idea.

What do you say you and I...

A horrible idea.

...our way through Mexico?

This wouldn't be an option

for George Sr., which is why he replied...

Mexico won't be able to walk for a week.

Two full weeks!

- Michael knew none of this.
- That's impossible.

My mother's got brown hair.

You don't know anyone with red hair?

No, I don't know anyone...
Well, I know...

I'm just ending something right now

with a woman who has red hair,
Rebel Alley.

Oh, Ron Howard's daughter.

That's the one. And Ron's got red hair.

So, I guess that's two people
I know with red hair.

Of course, I'm holding a wig
that is made of red hair.

So that's those two and the wig,
I think that's got it.

And my sister has recently
gotten the red hair.

But she's nuts, so...

Actually, Lindsay
had been hiding her identity

with that very wig while dating
a right-wing candidate

whose positions she opposed...

I can't do this

unless you promise to be against the wall.

What the hell?

...and was determined to change.

- Better for my back, anyway.
- Thank you.

But soon, photos of Herbert Love
with a mystery redhead

were used to blackmail her.

- God, that was a photo booth?
- Mm-hmm.

So, it was only once
she ditched the red hair...

I'm a Bluth and so are you.

- ...that she joined the opposition.
- Put up this wall!

Unfortunately,
her candidate encountered

some new opposition.

We have an unconscious

black male choosing not to comply.

Having discovered
he dropped out of the race...

Aggressively come at me!

...Lindsay's political enthusiasm waned.

So, I have no idea where she is,

but, uh, my mother is at Austerity.
It's a rehab clinic.

Actually, we checked the rehab
and your mother wasn't there.

Actually, when Lucille 2
first went missing,

Lucille 1 took the opportunity
to compel her therapist

to change her status
from in-to outpatient,

bypassing both
the Austerity Clinic's red tape

as well as its security tape.

And she was remanded to the care
of your brother-in-law, Tobias Funghi?

- F...
- You don't happen to know

the license plate of the car he drives,
do you?

His license plate number? No, I don't.

I barely know my own license plate number,
much less my brother-in...

It's A-N-U-S
and then for some reason T-A-R-T.

"A new start."

If you saw it written out,
I don't think that you would...

Let me try this one on you.
A-N-A-L-R-A-P...

Well, it doesn't matter.
Listen, I gotta go.

I don't know where my mother
and Tobias are, excuse me,

but they're clearly up to something.

They're not gonna be easy to get back.

Well, Ms. Austero isn't quite
a missing person yet.

We are particularly interested
in talking to Byron,

who she apparently
had a relationship with.

It's Buster. Uh, and that's why I know
that they're up to something,

'cause the last time
that I saw Buster was, um...

Oh, God!

And, resentful of his family,

Michael came up with a plan
to make them come back.

Tell me how
this missing person thing works.

- You want to report him missing?
- I might.

You'd call it in,
but not until he's been gone for 72 hours.

Hmm. I think it's worth the wait.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

That's what we'll do.
Find Buster, you're gonna find Lucille.

Which one?

I don't think he cares.

See you later.

Thank you for your service.

Love you.

Lindsay arrives at the border
she had just called for a wall to protect.

Oh, they have one.

He wants your passport.

Oh, I didn't bring a...
I'm American.

How do you say "I'm American"
in Mexican?

Soy americano.

Hmm. That does sound good.
Ask him for two.

Lindsay is proud

that she thought to include her driver.

And Lucille and her therapist arrive

- at their beachside casita.
- Look at them.

Dancing on the beach
like they own the place.

Good. We'll use that.

I want to laser in on that anger.

Look out at the ocean.

Tell me, what does it make you think?

Like, "Everyone's having fun but me,

running and laughing and...

I feel like men run away from me.

- I'm stuck here doing therapy."
- I've been deserted.

Is that my fault?
Is it because of my anger?

When I see a squirrelly,
little fruitcake like that one

skipping into the ocean, I think,

"Why do I hate him so much?"

That little bald one there
with the fringed cut-offs who...

- Yay!
- Oh,.

It's you.

Vivo! Vivo!