06x12 - Fran Tarkenton

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Nancy. Mr. Schiff.

The math teacher she boned in high school.

All right, k*ller, I hate to break the news to you, man, but I got to take off.

Gonna grab my passport and be back, hopefully by tomorrow.

Do not leave for copenhagen without me.

So, do we have our passports?

Uh... Listen to me.

If you want your passports, you will k*ll that douche bag and fast.

Mr. Mahmud.

I sent you guys to him for passports.

Turns out he hates you and would rather do anything than let you marry his daughter, which includes having you k*lled.

What's this lars guy look like? He looked like you.

So there's a tiny resemblance.

But he's not my dad. We'll let the lab decide.

Lab? Dna, my brother.

Oh! Who are you?

Journalist... San diego county tribune.

I'm writing your story.

I can help you.

Clark kent to my rescue.

Are you telling me, after all's said and done, you don't want your story on the record?

My name is nancy botwin.

Judah used to like to dress me up...

Loan me out.

We would lock eyes while I was being used by whoever...

His best friend...

My son's third-grade teacher...

The manager at panda express.

I've never told anyone that we swung...

S-swang...

That we were swingers.

You know what?

Our safe-word was...

"Fran tarkenton."

What are you doing?

Let me know when you're done entertaining yourself so we can actually start the interview.

Well, we talked about having a threesome.

Maybe I should just make everything up.

Probably be as accurate as what you're giving me.

What is it you want to hear so I can get paid and never see your face again?

Something significant.

Something I couldn't learn from my other interviews.

Uh... I b*rned my house down.

In agrestic?

You set the wildfire?

No. Just my house.

But why?

To destroy the scene of the crime...

I guess.

In all fairness, the prefab piece of sh*t probably would have b*rned down, anyway.

Wow.

Well, that is significant.

But my story is not really about agrestic.

Jesus. Then why ask me questions about it?

I haven't asked my questions yet. You just started talking.

Fine. Then go.

Ask me a question already.

Okay. Who k*lled pilar zuazo?

Nothing's changed.

Get the f*ck out of my house!

You get the f*ck out of my house!

Doug?

Dana!

Your tits get bigger?

I'll go put on some coffee.

Your butler is an assh*le.

Where are the kids?

Jessie's here.

Julie and jennifer are at sleep-away camp.

Josh lives in chicago now.

What are you doing here?

I've come to make amends.

I really f*cked up, and I want to apologize so we can both move on.

Is this for real?

Oh, yes! Yes! I'm a changed man.

God touched me. Spiritually, not...

Daddy!

Baby!

Oh!

Why is she calling the butler "daddy"?

Doug... This is wilfred...

My husband.

Oh, sh*t! You k*lled him.

That was the idea.

It's one thing to wish it. It's another to see it.

What did you do with the body?

I don't want to know. Yes, I do. No, I don't.

We buried him somewhere very safe.

That is good, yes?

Yeah.

Buried.

Returned to the soil... To give life anew.

Or is cremation better?

I don't know. I don't really think about death that much.

How can you not think about death?

It is everything.

It is the ticking clock that drives man.

Death and sex.

That and the natural and righteous hatred for shi'a scum.

So, I'll just take the passports?

Oh, no, my friend.

This video is not enough.

I built my career on being thorough.

Bring me his d*ck.

Then you get the passports.

We heard about your city contract for giving a loving send-off to unclaimed indigents.

What do you guys need? Kidney? Lungs? Heart?

We need a d*ck.

John does are the bottom row.

My fbi contact told me that a mexican gangster recently turned up at a hospital in washington state with an arrow wound.

Why are they after you?

What is it?

Uh, my son's not coming home tonight.

Think he found a girl.

He always finds a girl.

Shane?

Shut up.

You don't get to say h... Either of my kids' names.

Why'd you leave esteban?

He was gay.

Took a lover... Armando.

Why are you running?

What do you know?

What do you know?

Why don't you just tell me everything you know?

Well, I know you've made some questionable decisions, like getting married to a player in the most powerful drug cartel in mexico.

I know that his boss hated you.

And I know on the night she d*ed, you abruptly split town.

Mm-hmm. Is that all?

Well, that and I have a...

Pretty strong theory as to why you're running.

Can't wait to hear this. What's your big theory?

That shane k*lled pilar zuazo.

Nancy?

Blink once if I'm right.

Yo, this one.

Eh. Skin tone's close enough.

All right.

Poor guy.

Fell off a roof trying to rob a liquor store.

So this is what it all comes down to, huh?

Born into a bad situation, yearning, hopeful.

A life of struggle.

The streets tempt, but for a while, life wills out.

Triumph of the spirit.

And then, uh, the bottle calls.

You end up breaking your neck trying to get a little liquid comfort.

Let's pause a minute to pay respect to this anonymous...

Gah! Whoa!

Ah.

Enjoy that cock.

So, you talked to your mom?

When you need her, you can't find her.

Yeah. She always was hard to pin down.

Except that one time.

Bad joke. Sorry.

Oh, we're gonna be leaving the country... Soon.

Really?

Wow, that sucks.

You okay?

No.

In a lifetime of things f*cking with me, this is really f*cking with me.

My whole childhood is a lie.

"Whoops, wrong dad."

Look, if you're really leaving, we should hang out, get to know each other in case it's true.

Well, uh, we'll know in a day or so.

Shane, uh, stole your brush and took it to the lab for a paternity test.

So, tomorrow I'll be a father... Or not.

f*ck it.

Before we know, let's go do something fun.

Okay.

Uh, one scratch and you're out of the will.

Great cake, wilfred.

Thank you, doug.

Wilfred's a fantastic cook.

Mm. Hobbies are very important for the retired.

Wilfred isn't retired. He's an architect.

He's designing the new symphony hall.

You're welcome to use the guest bed, doug.

I imagine you must be tired after your flight.

No, thanks. Not the slightest bit tired.

Yeah, you know, life on the road, it's not for everybody, wilfred.

But, you know, a man's got to drop out every once in a while, commune with this great country, tramp about.

Yeah, doug used to carry a copy of "on the road" in his pocket.

That book got me sex all the time.

Ha!

Mm-hmm.

Jack would've loved that.

Wilfred knew jack kerouac.

A bit. He used to come to this club where I play.

Yeah, wilfred's also a jazz pianist.

I'll get you some water.

It must be hard, doug, seeing dana settled while you're still re-establishing yourself.

But everyone has their own life trajectory.

Not too many years ago, I was completely lost.

You were? Yes.

Adrift at sea, feeling like I was never gonna reach land.

That's exactly how I feel.

I've been at sea a long time now.

Oh, no. I meant I was actually lost at sea.

My friend sidney and i... Sidney poitier...

We had taken his boat to cuba for relief work, and we got caught in a late-summer squall.

But we made it.

And so will you.

Think I will go lie down now.

You don't know anything.

I know my instincts.

You ever heard of word clouds?

I input transcriptions of my interviews to generate visual representations of words subjects used.

Top five adjectives used to describe you, for example...

"Manipulative," "sexy,"

"Tough," "reckless," "bitch."

"Bitch" is a noun.

Top five adjectives used to describe shane...

"Creepy," "weird," "scary," "gloomy," "violent."

You're talking to me about... About word clouds?

Yeah, he's... He's gloomy. He's a teenager.

Silas is a teenager. You want to hear his word cloud?

I wa... I want to get the f*ck out of here.

I'm writing this article with or without you, nancy.

So fill in the blanks, or I'm gonna do it myself.

Here's your story. Things happened to her.

She dealt with them.

You keeping speaking in... In the passive tense, but, you know, we do things.

You walked down the tunnel. You, with your legs.

What else was I supposed to do, not walk down it?

Well, yeah!

Knowing whose it was, most people go back to folding sun dresses and leave it all under the floor.

Look, either you're more forthcoming, or I'm not giving you your money.

Why'd you run?

It's complicated. I ca...

I can't write, "it's complicated."

Sure you can.

What'd you write on your divorce papers?

What makes you think I'm divorced?

There's a picture of a kid in your wallet but no wife...

Divorced... Or she's really ugly.

We grew apart because I was always gone.

See? Complicated.

We grew apart because she fell in love with a gastrointestinal robot surgeon while I was always gone.

She's sleeping with someone else.

Not that complicated.

Why'd you run?

There was this guy I used to know...

Uh, guillermo.

Garcia gomez? Yeah.

He and i...

You slept with guillermo.

That night, pilar escorted me out of the party.

Guillermo was there, and she...

This is mexicali.

Those are members of the arellano-felix family.

This is the night of the party.

Guillermo was in mexico.

Stop it! Stop it!

It's all backed up off-site.

Deal's off!

Who does this?!

I'm glad I didn't go to high school with you.

Spoiled c**t like you.

Wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me!

You know what?

I don't have to deal with b*tches like you anymore.

I'm an adult now.

I don't need you anymore. I'll write whatever I want.

Leave. No, no. The deal's back on. I need the money.

Deal's off. Go.

Get out.

f*cking bitch. God.

You got to take me with you. I got money.

We're getting money. Hooman here owes my mom.

Sorry, bro. I can't sell any leg spreader while I'm hiding out here.

How much do you have?

Let me show you.

Kids tip over my carts.

And once... Once... I get a christmas gift from one of my customers.

And you know what it was? Poop?

Poop. Poop. Poop!

So, sometimes I just bring the mail home.

You have to be the worst mailman ever.

Yep.

I'm really not... Not very good.

I have passports.

Show me.

That is not his.

Huh? No. Of course it's his.

That d*ck is a magic marker.

Hooman has a crayon.

I took him to the baths.

The rude assh*le never even took off his bluetooth.

No, no, you're not accounting for edema.

It's floating in liquid, so it expanded... Edema.

I asked you to k*ll one worthless idiot, and you try to deceive me?

Go, before I cut off your penis!

Ohh! We had a deal!

Jaka-cock for passports. I held up my end.

Daoud mahmud, what did you do?

I was just looking out for your best interests.

He wasn't good enough for you. Honey!

Ugh! You are dead to me!

Adara! Princess!

My husband would hire a discount hitman.

Even the jews think that man is cheap.

That's a good line. Offensive but...

Shut up.

You deceived him, but I will give you the passports.

Oh, wow. Thanks. Thank you.

And I will only charge you $5,000.

I've been on the waiting list for a birkin bag forever, and my name just came up.

How did you end up in dearborn?

I thought arabs hated cold weather.

Why do you deserve to be here more than I do?

Simple math.

You people didn't get here till the '70s.

My people have been here forever.

Oh, really?

What are you, ottawa, anishinabe, or potawatomi?

Oh, don't give me that indian crap.

Have you been to the soaring eagle casino lately?

I went last month to see jeff dunham.

The tickets alone cost 55 bucks.

Add to that the room, a little buffet, a little craps.

The real trail of tears is me going back and forth to the atm all night.

You want to join?

We're stealing christmas-card money from the past.

No, thanks. Where's mom?

She's not here.

Here.

I said I don't want to open anything.

No, it's your paternity results. Picked them up today.

Yo, this one's addressed to me!

I got into college?!

Can I come back in?

f*ck off!

Sorry about your camera.

Filmed my son's birth with it.

You wait to publish.

I know.

You don't say where we're going.

I don't know where you're going.

Good. What's my name gonna be?

What do you want your name to be?

Celia hodes.

What? What is it?

They'll find you.

I don't think so.

Pilar just doesn't disappear and no one has to answer.

She's a legitimate businesswoman.

Someone has to answer.

Yeah, well, then we'll keep running.

It's an open m*rder investigation, and not just the cops... Fbi.

Them.

And if I'm coming to that conclusion...

Shane... Then others will, too.

Can I have my money?

Paying for interviews... Out of pocket.

My entire advance, gone.

God, this is depressing.

Fran tarkenton... Where'd you pull that from?

Oh.

Yeah, judah loved him.

He had his, uh... His signed rookie card between two pieces of glass.

Said we were gonna buy our retirement house in hawaii with it.

I checked online not so long ago.

It's worth like... $700.

Ridiculous. I mean, can you imagine?

I-i hate the sun.

Judah was... So...

Anyway, I really am sorry about your camera.

That was mean.

Guess your word cloud was right.

Why didn't I know josh was gay?

I mean, even as a baby, he looked gay. Gay baby.

Oh, god. I'm going back to bed.

Yell at me, dana. Get mad. But don't keep it in.

You're gonna give yourself butt cancer.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm happy.

You married uncle phil from "the fresh prince of bel-air."

That's an obvious cry for help.

Why are you here, doug... Really?

To get my passport.

It's in the safety deposit box at the bank.

We needed both keys to open it.

Hey.

Okay. There it is.

Take it. Now you can leave.

Just mail them both back when you're done.

I don't want the passport anymore.

I know why god kept me alive now.

Seeing you and julie... Jessie.

I'm gonna stay here where I belong, at the head of this family, right here in agrestic.

It's called re-grestic now.

That's re-tarded.

You are not a part of this family anymore.

You are just the idiot man-baby who walked out on us.

Now, you ruined my life once before, and you are not gonna ruin it again!

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Ugh!

Ow!

Damn it!

Dude, what happened?

I totally understand the ego issues involved when it comes to one's louisville slugger, but maybe you could have been a little more in the ballpark, size-wise?

Man, what's that sunni perv doing checking out my junk anyway?

f*ck that whole family!

No. Go to her.

Don't end up dead and alone like I'm going to.

Maybe if I show him I got into college...

Ah.

All right. You guys have been dope.

Wish me luck.

What's with you?

I saw a lot of dead people today.

Kind of battling my own mortality.

What's are you guys doing?

Getting copenhagen money.

Sort of thought we'd find more.

That? Yeah, that's not gonna get us plane tickets, let alone passports.

f*ck! I guess copenhagen's off.

No. No, it's not.

Passports, plane tickets, whatever else we need...

Just go get it.

Wake me when it's time to go.

Uh, this will only cover the passports.

I'll get the money. I'll get the money.

Nance, I'll be honest... Too much death today.

I'm suddenly terrified of dying and leaving you guys alone.

I got the tickets.

And don't ask me how.

But seven hours from now, we're all flying to copenhagen via paris.

And I have arranged it so that you and I get to sit together.

I need to tell you my official end-of-life plan before someone's sticking my d*ck in a soup container.

So, ready?

Open bar.

Big photo of me.

Boy, those last-minute tickets to europe cost a lot.

Okay, so, here's the tickets.

I want my ashes divided in two...

One half set adrift on an ice floe in glacier bay, the other half blown into norm engerfelt's face with the words "anus botwin says hi."

Gratitude expressed through fellatio has never been rejected, ever, in history.

If you don't follow all this to the letter, I will haunt you.

m*rder hallucinations, flying babies, giant hellmouth in your closet...

Yeah, real nightmare sh*t.

I'm gonna go pack.

Can I lie next to you for a second?

I used to love sleeping between you and dad.

Felt so safe.

Doesn't really feel like anything now.

At least I don't have to worry about dropping dead at 40 from a bad ticker.

Lars is in great shape.

Bye, mom.

I sincerely wish you all good things.

Andy! Andy?

Hey. How was your nap?

I'll meet you at the airport.

You know what to do.

Plan "a," plan "b," or plan "c"?

I'll let you know.

No, every time, I'm walking down that tunnel...

Every time... And once I find out what's at the end, I'll figure it out then, but at least I'll know.

I'll... I'll know.

No, every time, I'm walking down that tunnel...

Every time... And once I find out what's at the end, I'll figure it out then, but at least I'll know.

I'll... I'll know.

Why would you not want to know?