My career had reached new heights, literally.
An editor at New York Magazine thought I would be the perfect person to write about the ultimate challenge for swingers...
The flying trapeze.
Wouldn't you rather be at Jeffrey?
They're having a sale on stripes.
That's not supportive!
Step on up, good.
That's good, that's great. Come around to my side...
I'm gonna take off your climbing lines and strap on your safety harness.
Yes, please strap on anything that will keep me from plummeting to my death.
Toes over the edge, feet shoulder-width apart.
And just a little bit more.
That's good, head up.
Now put your right hand out in front of you.
I've got you, good.
Are you ready to grab the bar?
I'm ready to go to the bar.
Does everyone say that? Pretty much.
Okay, hold the bar in one hand.
You're queen of the world!
-You're queen of the world! Ha-hah.
Alright, that's good.
Keep your head up, don't look down. Are you ready?
And... Up.
Whoo!
Aaahh!
Swing out, sister!
Two hours later, I was hooked.
Stanny, are you watching? I'm about to try a catch!
Maybe you should quit while you're a... live.
You can totally do this.
Just listen to me and trust me.
Up!
Alright, legs up.
Take your hands off and reach for me.
This time you got it.
Let go!
Let go! No!
Ooh... No, no, no, no.
That day, I didn't get caught...
But Samantha's zipper did.
This is one of the frustrating things about living alone, there's not always somebody around to rip your clothes off.
Hey, Smith.
Want to come over and do me?
What she meant was "undo" me... but two birds with one stone.
And in Central Park, a photographer attempted to catch two lovebirds sitting on a stone.
Honey, a little less teeth, just relax your lips.
Oh no, now you're squinting.
A lesser man might have told Charlotte to take a flying leap, but Harry loved her too much.
I thought the point was to look natural.
That's what I'm trying to get you to do.
Well, one might ask, how natural is it to be sitting in Central Park in a suit?
Honey, I read the wedding section religiously and I know what they're looking for, and not all pictures are selected.
And I really, really want there to be a York-Goldenblatt announcement of our wedding in The Sunday Times.
So please, just, just a little less teeth, just...
Charlotte York, I cannot wait to marry you.
That's perfect, that's it!
I was having a moment!
Oh...
Ah, lipstick!
Wait, no, no, sorry. No kissing pictures, it's tacky.
And speaking of tacky...
It's cute, huh?
Debbie bought it for him over at the 6th Avenue Flea Market.
-Did you wash it first?
She also got something for you.
It's aromatherapy.
Oh. Huh.
You know, I was thinking, maybe we should figure out a time for the two of you to meet.
What? Why?
Well, she's around Brady, and I know you're not so comfortable with that...
I'm completely comfortable. I don't need to meet her.
I trust you.
She bought me a f*cking candle!
And it was an aromatherapy candle for serenity and calm.
I was much more serene and calm before the f*cking candle.
Women with candles have replaced women with cats as the new sad thing.
Oh, and get this, he thinks I should meet her.
I sense that he wants us to become friends.
Oh, no, no, no, no, forget it.
You do not need to become friends with the new girlfriend.
It's unnatural, uncomfortable, insincere and rife with ulterior motives.
Has this happened to you? No, I'm just being supportive.
But there is a baby involved.
Exactly, she's using Brady to get to me.
And I am not falling for it.
Oh, speaking of falling, I tried the trapeze yesterday for that piece that I'm writing...
I could never, I have the most terrible fear of heights.
Well, I do not, you've seen my shoes.
So, did you fly through the air with the greatest of ease?
At first, but then I couldn't do a catch.
All I had to do was let go and reach for the guy, who was very cute, and I still couldn't do it.
You are insane for getting into a harness without even the hope of an orgasm.
Hello, ladies.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Harry. Mm-wah. Hi, Howie.
Hi.
Everyone, this is Harry's best man, Howie Halberstein, in from Portland. Hello.
We're not crashing, I'm just here to drop off the photo-proofs...
...and the seating chart.
Oh.
We're gonna have a quick bite to eat... Right.
...and then I'm going to take the place cards to the calligrapher. Oh.
And after that, if there's time, we're gonna go around the corner and try to find our balls.
Yes, Harry knows how to show a guy a good time.
Howie, this is Samantha and Miranda.
Hello. Hi.
And... Carrie.
Hi. Hi, how are ya?
Good. Good.
Good guy, you two, I see it happening.
Shh. Shh.
Oh. Oh.
So, uh, Carrie?
I was thinking maybe you might show Howie around a little later.
Unless Harry needs me to ice a cake or something.
Well, um... I'm... I... I'm kind of busy, 'cause I have to do a flying trapeze thing.
That is so weird, because I have a lion taming thing tomorrow, so that's out for me.
But, you know, if you change your mind...
I will give you my business card.
Okay.
There you go. Thank you.
All my lines are on there.
Okay. Call me any...
I'll be waiting by the phone. Okay. Okay.
What's wrong with you?
He was funny and cute!
And in town for a week. What's the point?
That is the point. It's the best possible scenario because you know he's leaving.
But it's, it's like... whatever happens, there's an expiration date.
It's expiration dating.
It isn't dating. It's sex.
It's fun, it's a fling!
Oh, please, I'm too old for a fling.
I can barely do a swing.
And if you will excuse me, I have to go home so I can write about the fact that I couldn't do a catch.
He is a catch.
You should do him!
When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.
You could break a bone or a heart.
You look before you leap, and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you.
And in life, there's no safety net.
When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
I decided it was time to leave fear behind and have some fun.
Okay, legs up.
That's good.
Let go and reach for me.
I can't!
Alright, this time let go!
I can't! I can't!
Don't tell me you can't.
I want nothing but lilies on the chuppah!
The theme is Yentl chic!
Don't forget the candles!
You think this is the first wedding I ever planned?
Jesus Christ, you're worse than me!
We want candles, candles, candles!
And I don't want short, stubby, little, broken-off d*ck candles.
I want long tapers.
Alright, call me right back! Ta-dah!
It's okay? Okay?
You're Audrey Hepburn... owitz.
I'm so excited about this wedding.
We're gonna do everything according to tradition.
We are going to smash the glass, and the signing of the ketubah, the hora...
Be careful, God forbid you fall off the chair.
Oh, "the hora, the hora."
Well, maybe we won't do the chair thing.
You have to, that's the big finish!
Just remember when you're up there, pretend you're having a good time, hang on for dear life, and for f*ck's sake, keep your legs together.
Nobody wants to see the bride's beaver.
Shhh!
Don't say that in front of my dress.
Hello, York residence.
Yes, we have a minute.
It's the New York Times fact checker.
-Yes, Goldenblatt has two T's...
Sure, fax it over!
-We're in, we're in!
-This calls for a hora!
Hey.
Oh my God, what are you doing here?
Don't look at me, don't look at me!
Jesus Christ, Char, my ear.
You're not supposed to see me in my dress.
This is bad luck, very bad luck.
Close your eyes, keep them closed!
Oh, no, this is so bad!
Are all brides like that?
That's nothin', I once had a girl on Long Island give herself a stroke.
She pulled it together for the big day, though.
Hopefully I'll get cell reception down in Mexico.
Uh-huh.
Samantha, a fan of expiration dating, was about to enjoy one of the benefits of dating an actor...
Location, location, location.
It's gonna be cool working with Gus Van Sant.
Uh-huh.
Here, let me...
I can't believe we don't get to spend my last night together.
Are you dying?
No. Then it's not your last night.
There.
I'm gonna miss you, Samantha.
Oh, save that performance for Mr. Van Sant.
It's just two weeks.
It's a long time! Mm-hm.
Would you get out of here already?
I'm late as it is.
Yeah, yeah.
And listen...
When you're on location, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
What does that rule out? Mmm, there are things...
-Karaoke, I don't do that.
♪ He flies through the air, With the greatest of ease ♪
♪ That daring young boy On the flying trapeze ♪ This is it.
It's a very nice building.
I can't find my keys.
Magda...
You still have keys? I'm not home.
Do you understand?
I'm already at Charlotte's, I am not home.
Is Miranda here?
She is not home.
Oh. Well, that's too bad.
I was really looking forward to meeting her.
She is not home.
Magda, this is Debbie. Nice to meet you.
Alright, we just need to grab some things out of Brady's crib.
Last time I forgot Mr. Elephant and Brady acted like a big baby.
Didn't you, B-boy?
He is a big baby... silly.
But, uh... I have not cleaned in room yet.
That's okay.
This is a nice room, she has nice taste.
Yeah, I helped build the crib.
Really? Wow.
What's wrong, Brady, did you drop your binky?
Where's your binky?
Oh. It's right there.
Oh.
Hey, wanna go to Blockbuster and rent a tape or something?
Okay, but this time I get to pick.
Bye. Bye, Magda.
There's a lot of dust down there.
You really should vacuum... under...
That night, we all gathered at Charlotte's casual rehearsal dinner.
You're like a lint tray, what's happening back here?
That Debbie is crazy.
She came to my apartment with Steve, totally ambushed me...
I had to hide under the bed to avoid them.
Seriously?
Maybe.
Well, did you see her?
Just her shoes and her nails.
And... Both acrylic.
Mm.
Maybe you should just meet her and get it over with.
I don't want to meet her. If I meet her, she's real, and that means Steve has an actual girlfriend.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had trouble letting go.
Hey, what's happening there?
Oh, you know...
Bride, bride, bride, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, I just saw your fling go into the bedroom.
It's like sh**ting fish in a barrel.
Still, no.
Ooh!
It's just casual sex. Nothing's casual anymore.
Not even when it says so on the invitation.
Just go in there and see what happens.
Worst comes to worst, you can always hide under the bed.
I decided they were right.
It was time to get back in the swing of things.
See ya later. See ya later, Howie.
Oh, hey, how are ya?
Wow, this is kind of uncomfortable.
Look, would you please stop calling me?
I don't have time to chat, I've got boutonnieres on my mind.
I'm sorry I never called.
I understand, you're busy. That time of the year, you know, final exams for clown college... or something.
And what would that entail, you think?
You know, the seating arrangements in the little car, walking in the floppy shoes...
Squirting flower and nose application.
Continual pie-ing, the clown kissing.
Maybe I would have a fling.
After all, how bad could it be?
That night, Howie and I had sex like we were teenagers again...
Meaning, he had no idea what he was doing, and I didn't say anything.
Meanwhile, Samantha was banging around as well.
You have one new message.
Hey, I'm here, it's pretty cool.
Miss me yet?
That's the thing about getting used to a man.
There's always a catch.
It's here! It's here!
Not just her wedding day, but the New York Times.
Oh, my God.
I have a mustache.
It's an ink stain.
Hey, but look at me. Now that, that is a terrific smile.
This is a nightmare.
It's probably just our paper.
Anyway, who cares? We're getting married today!
I look like h*tler.
I am having a Jewish wedding and I look like h*tler.
Hello?
In your paper, do I have a mustache?
What?
In your wedding section, does it look like I have a mustache?
Oh, hang on a minute.
As I feared, my fling had become a pain in the neck.
You do not look like h*tler.
The Frito Bandito, maybe...
The bad luck is starting already.
Hmm.
Yeah, there's a little something, but maybe it's just my paper... and your paper.
I have to go.
Clearly, Charlotte was bent out of shape.
And so was I.
C'mon granny, I'll take you to the early bird special.
Oh, God, don't make me laugh.
It hurts.
Is this still from your days as a Flying Wallenda?
Well, that's my official story, and it's partially true, but... this is a sex sprain.
Good for you! No, it was not good for me.
It was jack rabbit sex.
You know, pow, pow, pow, pow pow, pow, pow, pow.
Are straight men still allowed to do that?
No, they aren't, it's bad.
It's basically masturbating with a woman instead of your hand.
I don't enjoy.
Carrie, you made it.
Oh, hi.
I gotta go. Hi.
The jack rabbit? Uh-huh.
I better... Hop to it?
Hi. Hi. Hi.
You look hot.
-Oh.
Thanks.
Guess what? What?
I got a suite at the Mercer for later.
King-size bed, huge tub.
We can have breakfast before I leave, unless, of course, we're busy doing something else, huh?
Oh, yeah.
-I don't know.
I'm pretty tired from last night.
Yeah, well, I'm only gonna be in town for another day, and I want to get to know you better.
Well, okay.
We'll see...
We'll see?
I know what "we'll see" means. It means "see ya."
No, no, the thing is...
You're just visiting, so I figured...
I... I figured it was a one-night kind of thing.
Just fun.
Wow.
If I had known you were just using me, I wouldn't have made love to you like that.
We are here today to celebrate the union of two very special people, Harry Goldenblatt and Charlotte York.
It's important for everyone here to be a witness to this moment, for the Jewish wedding ceremony has two parts.
The first designates to the community that the kallah, bride, and khatan, groom, are for one another alone.
And the second part gives them to one another.
-It's a gift...
...and a huge responsibility.
As one man slipped a ring on, one woman was still trying to slip a bracelet off.
Oh! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Sorry, it's a back spasm, I'm sorry.
Ow.
It seemed to Charlotte that the wedding had gone from Jewish law to Murphy's law.
Oh!
Ah!
Mazel tov!
Hey, Charlotte, are you okay?
This is a disaster.
It's the worst wedding in history.
That's not true.
Although I only saw most of it from here down.
Harry never should have walked in on me wearing my wedding dress.
Now we're cursed. You're not cursed.
You're married.
You just got married!
I know, but...
I wanted everything to be perfect.
Okay, you have to stop with the tears.
You already had the perfect wedding and the marriage...
Not so perfect.
You know, I think this is a good sign.
I think the worse the wedding, the better the marriage.
I have a stain on my dress.
That's good!
That's a good sign!
You're just trying to make me feel better.
No, I'm trying to get you to open your eyes, because you're missing it!
What? Everything!
You're missing your wedding.
You have a wonderful man who loves you, who will be there to catch you when you fall.
Do you know how special that is?
I would love to find a man who was strong enough to catch me.
So, let's get to that reception so you can fall in a cake or something.
Okay. Oh, dear.
So...
Okay?
Perfect, still. Of course.
-Oh. Oh, Christ. Oh...
-Oh, Christ.
Best of luck to you. Best of luck.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
I'm just feeling a little sad.
It was just so beautiful.
The ceremony?
My bracelet.
Mm...
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?
Oh, God, it's time for the toast.
Top me off, I'm next.
I would like to raise a glass... to Harry and Charlotte, because they found each other, despite all the bullshit.
Huh? Hey, hey... It's tough out there.
I mean, people don't care like they used to.
People leave you hanging.
People... are a bitch.
Is this a toast or a roast?
So here's to love.
And love means... never ever... having to say...
You used me for sex!
Thanks, Howie.
That's nice.
No, wait, hey, Mazel tov.
It was a Mazel tov cocktail.
Carrie said, "The worse the wedding, the better the marriage."
Well, then I think Howie just got us to our silver.
Hi.
Um... Hello?
Great. Um...
I would like to congratulate my very brave friend, Charlotte, who knows what she wants and who goes for it.
Not everyone can do that, especially when it comes to love.
Some of us can't even say the words, but...
Sorry, hon.
Good speech though.
Maybe Miranda just got us to our gold.
Mazel tov!
He's certainly acrobatic.
Oh, yeah, he's a regular "Jerk du Soleil."
Do you think everyone knows I slept with him?
Yes. And they all think you're a big "hora."
I don't like this, I'm afraid...
Of what?
What's the worst that could happen?
We'll live happily ever after?
Ho!
And, of course, this being a wedding, there was one more catch to go.
Okay... Ooh... Who's ready to catch the bouquet?
Not me.
I've lit myself on fire, I showed emotion in public, I think I'm done.
Oh, you were fabulous.
I believe you mean "flammable."
Okay, now you're done.
It wasn't a perfect catch...
And neither was mine.
But I survived, because I have a good safety net.