06x09 - Would I Think of su1c1de?

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

- Gabby discovered a secret.

Your stomach just kicked me.

I want you to run the Miami office.

So Carlos played hardball.

You can't fire me for being pregnant.

I'm offering you a promotion.

If you choose to turn it down
and quit instead, I can't stop you.

Katherine broke down.

The man I love chose you. It's over.
Why has this been so hard on me?

You loved him.

I found a way to spring you
from this marriage.

Karl had a plan.

If he violates parole by associating
with a known felon, they can revoke it.

All we need to do is get some ex-con in
a room with Orson, take some pictures,

and it's bye-bye, Orson.

That's perfect!
And then he'll have to let me go!

Nick made a call.

Agent Padilla?
I'm thinking about coming in.

And evil...

Did you forget something?

...returned to the neighborhood.

What are you doing?

Her name was Emily Portsmith,

and word of her death spread quickly.

You see, everyone in town knew Emily.

Her family was well-known
and respected.

She'd been popular in school.

And her customers at the coffee shop
adored her.

People were shocked to hear
she'd been m*rder*d,

mostly because another young woman
had been att*cked

just a few weeks before.

Yes, everyone in Fairview now knew
a k*ller was walking among them.

And they would soon learn

he wasn't finished.

The next day,
the women of Wisteria Lane

got together
for their weekly poker game.

But as it turned out,
no one was in the mood to gamble.

The girl at the coffee shop
was strangled,

and Julie was att*cked the same way.

There is obviously a madman
on the loose.

I'm afraid to leave my house at night.

At least now you have a boyfriend
to protect you.

Roy? The man threw out his back
peeling an orange. I'm on my own here.

So, what do we do to protect ourselves?

Down at the hospital where I work,
they offer a self-defense class.

- Maybe we should consider taking that.
- That's a good idea.

I guess we could,
but you know my motto,

"A.38 Special is a girl's best friend."

Ooh! I love the pearl handle. It would
look so good with my white suit.

Susan, you should feel it. It's so light.

I don't touch g*ns anymore.

Not since I accidentally
grazed Katherine.

Still going with
"accidentally," are we?

Oh, hey, honey. We're all
going to take a self-defense class.

- You want to come with us?
- Yeah, it might make you feel safer.

Well, I was taking out the trash
when I was att*cked.

He came out of nowhere.

And I blacked out before I knew
what was happening.

If someone really wants to get you,
they can get you.

I'm off.
Oh, you're sewing Penny's costume?

Yeah, but I'm reading the sports page
while doing it,

so they kind of cancel each other out.

Oh, I got you this, pricey bourbon.

It's 8:45 in the morning,
and I'm pregnant. I think I'll pass.

For Carlos. It's a
"Sorry I lied about being pregnant" gift.

I don't need that. I know Carlos.

He loses his temper, then
he calms down and thinks rationally.

- Goodbye.
- I'd still bring the booze.

I'm telling you,
I'm too valuable right where I am.

There's no way he's going to try
and send me to Florida.

Bon voyage!

What's going on?

Carlos told us about the promotion
in Florida. Congratulations!

You are going to be
so missed around here.

Lynette, where are you going?
Rita wrote you a goodbye poem.

Can I see you in my office, please?

What do you think you're doing?
You know I'm not moving to Florida.

Okay, so then we just change
the banner to read,

"Good luck and so long!"

No. It needs to read,

"I told you I'm not leaving.
Someone get me a bagel."

Lynette, what can I tell you?

We have an opening for you
in our Florida branch.

But here, your job's
already been given to Tim.

Well, tell Tim you made a mistake.

I can't do that. So, I guess
this leaves you no choice but to quit.

Look, I know what you are doing
and I am not going for it.

You want me gone,
you're going to have to fire me.

And open myself up to a lawsuit
by f*ring a pregnant woman?

I don't think so.

Then if you don't mind,
I have work to do.

Hey. These aren't my kids.

No, those are Tim's kids.
This is his office now.

So, what office will I be using?

Are you kidding me?
These twins have a bigger office.

Enjoy.

How're you doing?

I'm okay. Everybody seems to think
whoever k*lled Emily

was probably the same person
who att*cked me.

Yeah, that's what the police are saying.

And I think that we should do
everything we can to help them.

Meaning what?

Maybe now is the time to tell them

about the married man
you were seeing.

- He had nothing to do with it.
- You don't know that.

Men who cheat sometimes
have more than one girlfriend.

Mom, listen!

There is no way he could ever
hurt someone, much less k*ll them.

Okay.

- If you're sure.
- I am.

I mean, why would he att*ck me
and then want to get back together?

Wait.
Have you started seeing him again?

- No.
- Julie.

Even if I did, it is my life, right?

That's right. It is your life.

Now, is it just me, or was life

much less complicated
when you were seven?

Sorry I grew up.

Me, too.

Police are concerned
that the strangling of Portsmith

is connected to a similar att*ck
on a Fairview woman earlier this year.

Anyone with information
is being asked to call.

Just think, if the cops
hadn't wasted so much time on Danny,

they might've caught this guy
before he did this again, right?

What?

I was there.

- You were where?
- At the coffee shop.

I got there right when that girl
was closing up.

Oh, please be kidding.

Nah, I wish I was. But I'm pretty sure
I was her last customer.

Well, did anybody see you?

No, I don't think so.
But that doesn't mean the cops

won't figure out that I was there.
And if they do...

Yeah, they're going to want to come
and talk to you again,

- and maybe run your prints.
- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I was also thinking
that maybe we shouldn't wait around

- for that to happen.
- No.

- I'm not moving again. Not this time.
- Look, Angie... Angie...

- Angie, would you just let me finish?
- Nick, I like this place!

I have friends, I have a job.
I feel like a real person here again.

After 18 years of being a ghost,
I don't want to give that up.

Fine.

Well, maybe we'll get lucky
and the cops just won't come.

But honestly, I don't know
how much more luck we've got left.

Hey...

Hello, are you Lamar Benjamin?

- You got a warrant?
- Oh, no, I'm not with the police.

My name is Bree Hodge.

You know my husband Orson
from the state penitentiary.

Do you have a moment?

I got nothing but moments.

So, you're Mrs. Hodge?
Damn, Flossy did okay for himself.

"Flossy"?

That's what we called Orson
because he got us all dental floss,

then nagged us to use it
after every meal.

I see.

Pain in the ass. I was glad when
somebody used it to strangle a guard

and they took it all away.

So how's Orson doing?

Well, to be honest, Lamar, life on
the outside's been a little hard for him.

People can be so judgmental
about men who have served time.

And if you're a repeat offender,
you can forget it.

Yes, well.

I've heard Orson speak very fondly
of his prison friends, especially you.

Really?
Because he seemed kind of mad

after I used him as a shield
in that yard fight.

Lamar, he just tells that story now
and laughs and laughs!

Anyway,
he's been feeling a little blue,

and I was hoping you would pay him
a visit and cheer him up.

Sorry. I'd be breaking my parole.

They catch me hanging out
with other ex-cons,

they can send me back to jail.

Really? Well, that's a silly rule.
Don't worry, though,

our house is on the end
of a very quiet cul-de-sac.

No one would even know
you stopped by.

And of course I would compensate you
for your time.

And another three when you come.

Then what the hell?
No harm in a little social call.

But you can't tell anybody I came.

When you get to know me better,
Lamar,

you'll find I have
no trouble keeping secrets.

- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Your mom told me you were upset.

I told her I knew
how to make you feel better.

Mint chocolate chip?

Thanks, Daddy.

I know this one's going to take
a lot more than ice cream.

I keep thinking about him.
He's out there.

- And maybe he's thinking about me.
- Honey, honey, he's not.

He knows where I live,
he knows what kind of car I drive.

I've been wanting to go to the library,
but I'm afraid he's going to follow me.

Look, if you're worried about your car,
why don't we switch for a while?

Seriously? I drive your fancy car
and you drive my tiny little compact?

Hey, there's nothing I would not do
for my little...

You have air conditioning, right?

Yeah, there's nothing I wouldn't do
for my little girl.

You okay?

I'm just having a bad day.
My life's gotten sort of complicated.

Why?

Oh, it's grown-up relationship stuff.
You wouldn't understand.

- Okay.
- But...

Since you asked...

So, I think you're really
going to have fun at Brandon's party.

I heard there's going to be a pony.

- Hey, you okay?
- I'm worried about Mrs. Mayfair.

- Why?
- She's not getting any younger.

And it's really hard to meet guys
in this town.

- Where did you hear that?
- She told me.

She also said
Mommy stole you from her

and that makes Mommy a bad person.

Buddy, your mommy is a great person.

Now why don't you sign Brandon's
card, okay? And I'll be right back.

Mike, watch it!

Did you actually tell my 6-year-old son
that his mother's a bad person?

Well, I would've used
more colorful language,

but like you said, he's only six.

You've never really seen me get angry.

But if you want to,
just talk to my son one more time.

Then you'll know what I'm capable of.

Mike, I love MJ.
I would never do anything to hurt him.

One more time.

Oh, Julie...

No!

- Hello.
- Hi, it's your mother.

- Am I interrupting anything?
- No, I'm just at the library.

Oh, really? The library...

Yeah, I thought I'd dive
into an old favorite.

- And vice versa, I'm sure.
- Huh?

Honey, I don't blame you.
You've gone back to that place

because it seems safe and comforting.
Am I right?

I guess.

- But trust me, it's a bad idea.
- Can we talk about this later?

I only have an hour
and I really want to finish.

Okay, I want you out of there right now!

Mom, I'll see you soon.

You bet you will.

You've been a busy girl!

You got the ex-con booked,
hidden cameras all set up.

Come Friday night, showtime!

So what's the matter?
We should be celebrating.

I just hope we're both clear that these
photos are strictly for blackmail.

Of course. We're not actually
going to send him to prison.

Unless, I mean, we have to.

No, Karl, even if he calls our bluff,
we are not going to turn him in.

Excuse me, I'm looking for the person
that belongs to the little blue car.

- She's a redhead...
- With a man?

Yeah, she's with a man.
The redhead's my daughter.

Your daughter? Damn, you look good.

Thank you. So, can you tell me
what room they're in?

I may not love him anymore,

but I'm not going to win my freedom
by taking away his.

Now you're angry.

Bree, when you tell me you could never
hurt a man you used to love,

it doesn't make me angry.

It just reminds me
why I love you so much.

Don't you worry.
No one's going to get hurt.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, Eric.
Can you tell Carlos I'm here for lunch?

- I'm going to run to the ladies' room.
- I'll tell him.

Hi, Lynette.

Hi, Gabby. I'd ask you in,

but I don't think there's enough oxygen
in here for the both of us.

No, it's comfy.

Hey.

I get that Carlos is trying to punish me,
but enough is enough.

You've got to talk to him.

Lynette, you never even came to me
to tell me you were pregnant.

- I think this is between you and Carlos.
- Okay, I know you're upset,

but me keeping my pregnancy secret
wasn't personal.

- Wasn't it?
- No! Listen to me.

Tom and I are still in debt.
I needed this promotion.

And Carlos had already passed over
a coworker because she was pregnant.

I couldn't risk you telling him.

Because you thought I'd tell Carlos

- and he'd fire you.
- Yes.

So, clearly I wasn't enough of a friend
for you to trust me.

No.

But now I'm such a good friend,
I'm the only one who can fix it for you?

I'm guessing you're not
going to talk to Carlos.

Good guess.

I can't believe she's dead.

I know. I just saw her a few days ago.
We talked about going to the mall.

Who found her?

The assistant manager.
I was late yesterday.

I mean, thank God,
it would've freaked me out.

- Hey.
- Hi.

We were just talking about Emily.

Yeah. I didn't really know her, but
I guess we're sort of connected now.

You would have liked her.
She was super nice.

I gotta go home.
My mom's so freaked out

that this could've been me,
she wants me around.

I'll give you a ride.

- We should go, too, Danny.
- No, you go ahead.

But don't you need a ride?

No, I'll walk. I just want to talk to Julie.

Thanks.

- So, you want to get something to eat?
- Thanks, but I'm not hungry.

Well, maybe you want to go to Emily's
funeral together? Everybody's going.

Danny, I know you like me.

But I can't hang out with you.

- Why not?
- I just can't. It's complicated.

It's because you slept with my dad,
isn't it?

- Who told you that?
- I figured it out a while ago.

If you know that, then why in the world

- would you still...
- Because I like you a lot.

Do you not see how weird that is?

No, it's okay,
because I've forgiven you.

That's nice, but it's still weird.

Julie, please, I want to be with you.

Danny, I'm so sorry.
But that is never going to happen.

Come on, if they're going to come,
they're going to come.

I feel like I spent my entire life
looking out windows.

Yeah.

- Maybe it's time we stop.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying, maybe it's time
we thought about coming in.

Please tell me you didn't talk to them.

Oh, my God.

All right, calm down, all right?
I'm not an idiot.

I used a pre-paid,
and the call lasted less than a minute.

There's no way
they're ever going to find us.

But still, they know we're alive.

Don't you want to know
if they're ready to make a deal?

I k*lled a man.
They'll be ready to make a deal

when I got a needle in my arm and
my eyes are rolled back in my head!

Come on, you don't know that.

You are never talking to
them again! Do you hear me?

I still can't get that image of Lynette
out of my head.

The only thing missing
in that cramped little office

was a hamster wheel and wood chips.

Yeah, I figure
a couple more days of this,

she'll be ready to pack her things.

She does deserve this, right?

She lied when she took the promotion.

What if her doctor
had put her on bed rest?

What if I needed her to fly somewhere?

She could have put the whole company
in jeopardy.

Yeah, but that never happened.

And you said
she was doing a good job.

And now you're doing
all these mean things to her.

Me? This was your idea.
You wanted to put snakes in her office.

Rubber snakes.

We are completely justified here.

You're right.

You're right,
which is why we have the opportunity

to do something we never do,
Carlos, forgive.

Seriously?

Tom and Lynette
have been our friends for 15 years.

They gave us sausage-of-the-month
last Christmas.

Those were good sausages.

I know Lynette. She would never set out
to intentionally hurt us.

I've got to admit,
I do sort of miss those guys.

You should have seen her
when I was leaving her office.

She had this look in her eyes.
She was so defeated.

You should have seen
this look in her eyes.

- It was like, "Screw you, Lynette. I win."
- So, that's when you called the lawyer?

Hell, yes.
They're not getting away with this.

They are not going to harass me.
I am going to sue their ass.

And Carlos
is being served papers tomorrow.

Wow. You're really
getting worked up here.

- We are not having angry sex.
- Just thought I'd ask.

What did I tell you
about putting away those clothes?

I'm serious. Nap time's over!

Danny? Danny!
No, no, no, no, no! Nick!

Any woman can be the victim
of a violent crime.

That is why it's necessary
to learn how to defend yourself.

A parking lot, a park,
your own driveway...

An att*ck can happen anywhere.
It only takes a few seconds.

Sorry I'm late.
I had three parties to prep for.

How tiring that must be for you
juggling all those affairs.

Okay, everyone team up.
I want an attacker and a victim.

Hey, Gabby, you want to att*ck me?

Mrs. McCluskey,
I don't want to hurt you.

Please, I've eaten burgers bigger
than you are. Bring it on.

All right, Granny,
prepare to break a hip.

So, looks like we're partners.
Do you want to att*ck me?

I could be persuaded.

Now, attackers,
I want you to approach your victim.

Hey! Freakishly strong old lady here.

I credit the bran.

Well, that's very impressive.
But the rest of you,

approach your victim from behind,
place her in a choke hold.

Now, victim,
your impulse will be to pull away.

Wrong, you'll just choke harder.

Instead, I want you to push back
on your attacker,

using your weight
to push him off balance.

- Susan, a little tight.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Ouch!

Feels bad, huh? Being betrayed by
someone you trusted not to hurt you?

- What are you talking about?
- I know about you and Karl.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah. Traitor!

Stop it!

You can't talk your way
out of an att*ck. Jab with your elbows!

I am trying!

How could you?
You know how Karl treated me!

Susan, I'm sorry!
If you'll let me explain...

Okay, now, attacker and victim, switch.

- You heard him, switch!
- No.

I am not letting you get behind me!
You've already stabbed me in the back!

- Mrs. Delfino, release your victim.
- She is not the victim here!

What about Orson?
How could you do this to him?

You know nothing
about my marriage to Orson!

Orson has put me
through hell this year!

- Bree, too tight!
- Susan, I know you're angry,

but Karl means more to me
than just a fling,

and I am not giving him up.

So, if that means our friendship is over,
then that's your decision, not mine.

You're going? We just got started.

I know. But I think I've defended myself
enough for one day.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just got a call from the lawyer.

They're going to be
serving Carlos any minute.

Wow. You're really going
through with this, huh?

Yeah. We're not bad people,
are we, Tom?

What Carlos is doing to you
is totally unfair and illegal.

No, we're good people.

Right. He started it. Screw him.

Yoo-hoo!

Hey. What's all this?

Candy, flowers, baby gift.
It's sort of my way of saying

"I'm sorry,
and here's some crap to prove it."

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't want to fight anymore,
and neither does Carlos.

I was hoping we could talk.

Gabby! I'm so happy.

Aw! Here, take it. It's getting heavy.

I missed you.

Um, Lynette?

Honey, we're having a moment here.
Please don't spoil it.

I'm not what's going to spoil it.

Oh! Could you hold on a second?

I'm just...
I'm going to make a quick phone call.

You know what, guys,
I don't care what happens.

Let's not let anything interfere
with our friendship ever again.

Remember you said that.

Answer the phone. Answer the phone.

What?

It's Carlos. I wonder what he wants?

Gabby, you know what you said
about our friendship before?

- Let's just make a pact that we should...
- Hey, babe, what's up?

- I will never forgive you for this.
- Gabby, please! What about our pact?

We never made a pact.
Here, MJ, catch!

You have to understand,
I was just protecting myself.

- Hello, ladies. What's new?
- Lynette is suing Carlos! Here.

Once you apologized,
I tried to call the guy off.

Lynette, you wanted to sue us.
That proves that you are not my friend.

- Hey, Karen! Here's some candy.
- Trying to cut down.

Really, at your age? Why bother?

Please, I need to talk to you.

No, you need to talk to my lawyer.

Hey, Lynette, I've got a project for you.

Okay. Who's this?

Steve Matthews from legal.

You know, since we all seem
to be lawyering up around here.

Look, I was just trying to protect myself.

No, it's just business.

This is the department's purchases
and expenses from the last fiscal year.

- I'm going to need all of that itemized.
- Done.

By tomorrow morning, 9:00 a.m.

I hate it when I'm the only one laughing.
This is at least two days' work.

Not if you work tonight.

Penny's Christmas pageant is tonight.
You know that. You go every year.

Lynette, are you telling me that you're
unable to... What was it again?

"Unable to perform the assigned task
in a timely manner."

Yeah, that's it.

No. Tell your undertaker friend
that I will get the assignment done

- in a timely manner.
- Great. And will you tell Penny

Gabby and I are going to have to miss
her pageant this year,

and we are so sorry?

Thank you both for coming.

Before we get started,
can I get you anything?

Given what you're about to do to us,
I'll take a cigarette and a blindfold.

No, no, no, no. I have decided to put
aside my rage and sense of betrayal.

I'm here to help you.

- Really?
- Not you.

If you are actually considering having
a serious relationship with this man,

then I want to make sure
that you have all the facts.

- What kind of facts?
- Karl facts.

Karl, tell Bree
what you got me for my 30th birthday.

Who can remember?
It was so long ago.

Nothing. He got me nothing
because he forgot my birthday.

- And it wasn't that long ago.
- I don't see the point of...

Now tell her where you spent
our 10th anniversary.

I'm sorry, what was that?

- A strip club.
- Oh, Karl.

That's nothing. Now tell her
what you wanted for your 35th birthday.

Come on!

He wanted me to ask a friend
to join us in the bedroom.

You kept saying I was hard to shop for.

There he is, Bree. That is the man
you say you want to be with.

Susan, I went into this
with my eyes wide open.

I know who Karl was
and who he sometimes still is.

But I believe him when he says
he wants to change.

And isn't that what you're supposed
to do when you love someone?

Did you say "love"?

I think I did.

Bree, I have to ask you one question.

- Are you drinking again?
- No!

Okay! Okay, I was just checking.

Well, if that's really the way you feel,

then you should be with him.
And you have my blessing.

Really?
You can forgive me, just like that?

You know, I was doing a lot of thinking
since yesterday.

And I realized that

it's hard to find love.

And when you do, you should grab it,
and who cares what anybody thinks.

And I really do want you to be as happy
as I am with Mike.

Oh!

Thank you, Susan.

Don't worry, Susie-Q.
I'm going to do right by her.

You really think you can change?

Well, it's easy when you've found
a woman worth changing for.

I didn't mean...

Ow, ow, ow!

I learned that in self-defense class.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.

- Bye-bye!
- Okay, we're taking off.

- Okay.
- Wish your little angel luck.

Good luck, sweetie. Now remember,

your dad's going to videotape
your pageant

and we're all
going to watch it tomorrow.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.
You know I'd be there, but...

You have to work. It's okay.

Hey, guys, wait up!

The doctor is putting him
under observation for 72 hours.

It's standard procedure for...

A su1c1de attempt.
It's okay, Mona. Thanks for everything.

My baby. What were you thinking, huh?

I'm sorry I called the Feds.

I was just trying to make your life easier

after all the things I've done
to make it harder.

I mean, look what I've done to this kid.

November 10th, 1991.
It rained all day, remember?

Mmm-hmm.

We went to the diner before
we went to meet up with the others.

I had pumpkin pancakes.
You didn't have anything.

I had coffee.
I forgot my umbrella in the booth.

And then, eight hours later,
neither of us existed anymore.

I had to run. But you didn't.

You gave up a hell of a lot
just so I wouldn't be alone.

I'd do it again.
I'd do anything for you guys.

- I hope you know that.
- I do.

Good morning, Lynette. It's 9:00.
Got my reports?

Almost.

- So are you telling me you're not done?
- I just need one more hour.

Lynette,
if only I needed them by 10:00.

Unfortunately, I told you
that I needed them by 9:00.

- Was I not clear?
- You were crystal clear.

It was impossible to get all this work
done in a night, Carlos.

You knew that when you gave it to me.

Well, it wouldn't have been impossible

if you had skipped
your daughter's pageant.

I know you went.
Anyway, this is very painful for me,

but I have no other choice
but to terminate your employment.

- You're really going to do this?
- I believe I'm within my legal rights.

You need to clear out
your personal belongings

within the hour, Mrs. Scavo.

I was up all night on this.

That's a shame.

So, Mr. Matthews
has some paperwork for you to sign.

You're going to regret this.
I'm not going to go quietly.

I don't care how you go.
I just want you gone.

Oh, good. You're up. I'm Mona Clark.

I live down the street
from you and your folks.

I told them I would take
real good care of you.

- Would you like some juice, Danny?
- Tyler.

What?

It's not Danny. My name's Tyler.

Bye, girls, thanks for coming.

- Mike, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to pick up MJ.

But she said you couldn't make it.
She was picking him up for you.

- Who, Susan?
- No, your neighbor Katherine.

What?

Did I do something wrong?

MJ!

Hi, Daddy.

I drove by Eileen's and I saw
my little buddy standing out there.

He looked so forlorn.

MJ, go home.

I figured you were late at some job,
so I thought I'd do you a favor.

Now!

What did I tell you?

I needed to talk to him, Mike.
He deserves to know the truth.

His mother lies to him.

He needs to know that
what you and I had was real.

You and I had nothing.

- How can you say that?
- It's true.

The whole time I was with you,
all I thought about was Susan.

Every time I held you,
every time I kissed you,

all I was thinking was,
"God, I wish you were Susan."

If you mean it, then please k*ll me.

It would be less painful.

I don't care enough about you
to k*ll you.

The world is
a dangerous place.

And we must learn
to defend ourselves

from those who want to hurt us.

That stranger without a name.

An employer who holds a grudge.

The husband who won't let go.

Yes, we all try to defend ourselves
so we won't get hurt.

Yes, I need an ambulance right away.
4356, Wisteria Lane.

Please hurry, I'm losing a lot of blood.

Until we realize our pain

can hurt someone else.