01x02 - Chapter 02: Best Friends For Never

[bunniefuu]

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(SIGHS, GROANS)

What?

What the f*ck is Project Butterfly?

What?

- Well, we got a situation here.
- What?

I hooked up with a chick, and I'm not
saying that to make you jealous.

I'm saying it because she
was a metahuman freak

that threw me around the room

like an angry kid with his little
sister's Cabbage Patch Doll!

Oh, f*ck!

Where is she now?

PEACEMAKER: She's spilled
gumbo in the parking lot.

- (SIRENS BLARING)
- But I'm gonna need a new ride. I blew up my car.

Are you running?

Going back to get my sh*t
in her apartment!

Ah, sh*t. All right, I'm on my way.

I didn't give you the address.

Yeah, I can track you
through the chip in your head.

Wait, you can't see me jerk off
through that thing, can you?

It's inside of your f*cking
skull! How could we...

PEACEMAKER: I don't know,
technology's a beast.

Hey, Harcourt, you want to see me
rub one out? All you gotta do is ask.

Focus, pervert.

Get your sh*t and get out of there.

PEACEMAKER: All right.
I'll meet you outside, somehow.

- (EAGLY SQUAWKS)
- (SIRENS WAILING)

(SQUAWKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

f*ck!

(POUNDING)

New girl! You're driving.

Peacemaker just k*lled a damn butterfly.

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ ("DO YA WANNA TASTE IT"
BY WIG WAM PLAYING) ♪

- ♪ Get it on ♪
- ♪ Get on top ♪

- ♪ Make a move extreme ♪
- ♪ Make a pose ♪

♪ Make a shortcut to your dreams ♪

♪ Float straight to the stars
on that flying thing ♪

- ♪ Getting high ♪
- ♪ Getting brave ♪

- ♪ Getting snowblind, game... ♪
- ♪ Set, go ♪

♪ Pick a tune, chick harpoon
in a world beyond ♪

♪ Got a b*at, got a heat
on a phony string ♪

- ♪ Tear your world apart ♪
- ♪ Once the magic starts ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ What's going up must come down ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ Baby, you're losing ground ♪

♪ Blind to what you'll soon become ♪

♪ The mirror lies
the whole world's wrong ♪

- (g*nsh*t)
- ♪ But you ♪

♪ Dancing with your blinkers on ♪

♪ Throw your dog the invisible bone ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ What's going up must come down ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

- ♪ Baby you're losing ground ♪
- ♪ Blind to what you'll soon become ♪

♪ The mirror lies
the whole world's wrong ♪

- ♪ But you ♪
- ♪ Dancing with your blinkers on ♪

♪ Throw your dog the invisible bone ♪

(EAGLY SCREECHES)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(PANTING)

- (RECORD PLAYER CLICKS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER IN HALL)

- ♪ (" O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS PLAYING ON RECORD) ♪
- The f*ck are my socks?

(STRAINING) Ah, come on! Goddammit, Dad!

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

(GRUNTS)

f*ck yeah.

You have him on the tracker?

Yeah, it looks like he's still
inside the apartments.

We're almost there.

CLEMSON MURN:
Okay, get him out of there.

- (LOCK CLICKING)
- Harcourt,

I don't think I need to remind you
how important this operation is.

I've got it handled.
Don't worry, I'm almost there.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You know... in your room,
what you have in there,

- that's not safe.
- What?

- You had someone in your room.
- Is it against regulations?

- I didn't say that.
- LEOTA ADEBAYO: What are you doing?

This op is off the books.
We don't have regulations,

but it's not safe, is it?
For her, I mean.

- I don't know!
- It's not.

- What are you doing?
- Watch the road.

- I also have dogs.
- Okay.

- Do you think they're safe?
- Are they big dogs?

No, they're pretty small,
but one of 'em,

Emerson, he likes to
wear these little outfits.

Do you think that's gonna
make him a bigger target?

Jesus Christ.

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ENGINE REVVING)

- (CAR HORN BLARES)
- LEOTA: sh*t!

Almost hit that bitch.

Peacemaker's vehicle's at the scene.

Can you change the name
on the registration?

- JOHN ECONOMOS: Yep.
- MURN: Good.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
- SOPHIE SONG: What the hell?

The report said "an expl*si*n".

How'd the possum stay intact?

(SIGHS) I hope this
isn't some cape sh*t.

We've got enough trouble with that
maniac Vigilante running around.

♪ (" O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS
CONTINUES PLAYING) ♪

♪ What's your kind of thing? I go... ♪

sh*t.

♪ Whoo hoo, oh, yeah ♪

- (SNIFFS)
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

What's this? Pizza?

Officer, put that down.

- Why?
- Because I think it's a face.

- A what?
- A face. A human face.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

Backup and medical examiners
are on their way, Detective.

EMILIA HARCOURT: Could you
move any f*ckin' slower?

LEOTA: I'm trying to be sneaky.

HARCOURT: Oh, sh*t.

Can you believe this idiot
f*cked a butterfly?

I mean, the man's been
in prison for four years.

There's not much
I'd believe he wouldn't f*ck.

A bowl of oatmeal,
a grapefruit, some yogurt.

(SIGHS) I'm hungry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LEOTA: Look, I know
you don't believe me,

but Emerson, he really
does like to wear clothes.

If you don't put him in something
new in the morning,

he'll just whine until you do.

Do you pet the dog when he
looks cute in these clothes?

I guess.

He doesn't want to wear the clothes,

he's just willing to humiliate
himself for your love.

I think he just likes lookin' smart.

- Where the f*ck is he?
- Emerson? He's at home.

Not the f*cking dog! Peacemaker.

- (FABRIC RUSTLING)
- ♪ (" O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS CONTINUES) ♪

♪ I used to love her
but she turned me away ♪

♪ She couldn't take me
for another day... ♪

PEACEMAKER: What is that, a cat?

Super neat. (CHUCKLES)
I see cookies in my future.

(LAUGHS) This is... must have.

♪ Love her once then
she'll love you twice... ♪

(DEVICE BUZZING)

♪ I go, whoo hoo, yeah
whoo hoo, oh, yeah... ♪

(DEVICE HUMMING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What?

What the f*ck are you
still doing in there?

I told you, I'm getting important sh*t!

Well, there are too many cops
outside the front door,

so you're gonna need
to find another way out.

Do you see Eagly out there at all?

Your eagle?

PEACEMAKER: Yeah, could you,
uh, could you look for him?

Is he out there?

No, man, I'm not gonna f*cking
look for your eagle.

Harcourt, it's... do me a solid.

Just roll down the window,

stick your hand outside,
and then crinkle a bag.

He'll think you have chips.
He'll come right out to you.

HARCOURT: Why are you feeding him chips?

LARRY FITZGIBBON: Is that
somebody in the window up there?

f*ck!

SOPHIE: What was that on his head?

Really? You didn't f*cking trust me?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SOPHIE: Excuse me, ma'am? Is there
any other way out of this building?

Just the front door here
and another on the side.

Okay. You two, with us.
You two, cover that side door.

- OFFICER: You got it.
- ♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

There's no exit
on the back of the building,

so see if you can get to a balcony

on the second floor and jump.

Jump?

♪ (LULL IN MUSIC) ♪

♪ (MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

HARCOURT: All right,
go around back, go around back.

- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- (SEAT BELT ALARM CHIMING)

- LARRY: Fifth floor, right?
- SOPHIE: Yep.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(SINGING) ♪ Gonna catch
a bad guy dun-dun-dun, duh... ♪

Damn, my heart is b*ating!
Is your heart b*ating?

No, my heart stopped b*ating.

PEGGY: Was that four or five?

(DOOR SLAMS)

- Did you see that?
- Yeah.

Hey! Hey, stop right there!

(DOOR CLOSING)

(KNOCKING)

LARRY: (OVER RADIO)
Song, just saw someone

go from the fifth floor to the sixth.

Was he wearing something on his head?

Well, that I couldn't see.

Head up on to the
sixth floor, then we'll

check out this apartment down here.

♪ (MUSIC BUILDS) ♪

- (KNOCKING)
- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- (PANTING) Hey, man, what's up?
- Uh...

- Freddie there?
- Freddie who?

- Freddie Mulmamimimim?
- No, there's no...

No, you guys are doing
chardonnay and charcuterie, right?

I... I signed up with the e-vite.
You guys sent me a... a...

Hondr, Flindr, Tinder, Grindr. Ah, f*ck.

(HUSHED) sh*t!

(SHUSHING)

- What are you doing?
- Pick those up.

Knock on doors.

- f*ck, man, please? Pick 'em up!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Evan, what is going on?

EVAN: This guy broke in. Call the cops.

- You call the cops!
- Baby, he has a Kn*fe on me.

- You're helping him.
- Hey, hey! Shh, shh, both of you.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yeah, no problem.

(LARRY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- RESIDENT: Yeah, okay.
- LARRY: I understand. Okay. Thanks.

(KNOCKING)

LARRY: Thank you, I appreciate
that. You have a good night.

- (PEACEMAKER BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (CRICKETS CHIRPING)

PEGGY: I don't think anyone's in there.

All right, Peggy. Remember, we
didn't get an answer from that one.

He's obviously a professional.
Look how he's dressed, Amber!

Okay. Uh, I'm gonna need,
um, rope, t... twine.

Why?

Unfortunately, I have to tie you up.

Okay. Okay, listen, I just... I just
want to talk to you straight,

from like, one human being to another.

I will die of claustrophobia
if I get tied up, so...

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- (SIGHS)
- Oh, f*ck. sh*t, I'm so sorry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

It's clear.

He's gotta be upstairs, then. Come on.

- That's the best I can...
- Thank you, man. Thanks.

Found this.

That'll work.

(GASPS) I used to
really love Cinderella.

Yeah, Tom Keifer and the boys are

like the perfect mix of blues and metal.

f*ck yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I appreciate that.
- (FOOTSTEPS)

Thank you, ma'am, I'm sorry to wake you.

That's the only apartment
that didn't answer.

(HYPERVENTILATING)

(SIGHS)

- It doesn't hurt too much, does it?
- No, not at all.

Nice negligee.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Evan says it makes me look fat.

You have better PJs.
That's all I ever said.

I don't see how that
could be. Jesus, dude.

Thank you.

It's nice to be appreciated.

- Are you f*cking kidding me, Amber?
- What?

Are you seriously trying to get
him to f*ck you right now?

What? No, I just said
it was nice, goddammit!

And we also seem
to have a lot in common!

- Like what?
- Uh, we both love Cinderella.

(SCOFFS) Seven years, not once
have you mentioned Cinderella!

What? I talk about Cinderella
at least once a week, Evan!

You just never f*cking hear
me because you're always

going on about Coldplay
and Foster the f*cking People!

Oh, you're gonna put down
my musical taste now?

How f*cking low are you?

"Pumped Up Kicks", Evan?

Do you know what that
song is about? m*rder!

You are a m*rder*r!
You are murdering my spirit!

Oh, yeah? How do
you think my spirit feels

when you're trying to f*ck this really

cool, handsome guy right in front of me?

- AMBER: I am not trying to f*ck him!
- (MUFFLED) Right in front of me!

But you know what, Evan,
oh my God, maybe I will!

Who knows what's gonna
f*cking happen, right?

Because I'm tied up.
I'm helpless. I mean,

anything could f*cking happen, right?

I mean, seriously, who f*cking knows?

- (EVAN'S MUFFLED YELLING)
- (KNOCKING)

Evergreen Police! Open the door,
or we'll break it in!

f*ck.

- f*ck.
- SOPHIE: (BANGING ON DOOR) Evergreen Police!

(MUFFLED GRUNTS)

- (EVAN LAUGHS)
- AMBER: assh*le!

- There he is.
- (PEACEMAKER GRUNTS)

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

(QUICK BREATHS) Whoo!

- (PEACEMAKER GROANS)
- (HEAVY THUD)

- f*ck!
- Ow.

EVAN: Oh, thank God!

(GROANS, COUGHS)

(CHILDREN'S PROGRAM PLAYING)

Hey, hey.

(GROANING)

- (GRUNTS)
- (BINDLE CLATTERS)

- (GASPS)
- (HEAVY THUD)

- Ooh!
- Wow.

PEACEMAKER: (MUTTERING) Ah, f*ck.

(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)

God dammit.

- EVAN: Come on! This is...
- Where is he?

- (PANTING) Jumped.
- (EVAN GROANING)

My wife is a d*ck!
You're a f*cking d*ck!

AMBER: 'Cause you don't have one!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Detective Song, this is Captain Miele.

- Do you copy?
- SOPHIE: Copy, Captain.

I've arrived with backup.
Have you located the suspect?

They're saying he jumped off
the rear of the building, Captain.

You! Come with me, back of the building.

OFFICER: All right, let's go!

(GRUNTS)

- (HEAVY THUD)
- (BONES CRACKING)

God dammit!

OFFICER: Go, go, go, go!

f*ck.

What do we do now?

- Wait here.
- Listen, I can help.

I'm stellar with weapons and combat.

- Cool your jets, Jason Bourne.
- (g*n COCKING)

Just be ready to take off
when we get back to the car.

Being a wheelman
is also dope! I got you!

(PEACEMAKER GROANS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

- (BOOT SLIPS)
- (HELMET CLANGS)

♪ (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪

(GROANS)

CAPTAIN MIELE: You
on the roof! Stop right there!

(RASPY GROAN)

MIELE: Evergreen PD! Do not move!

Step forward and into the light!

(SIGHS)

- (DART FIRES)
- (GROANS)

- (GROANS)
- (THUDS)

- Captain?
- (ALL GROANING)

SOPHIE: Captain Miele, do you copy?

Hey. Come on.

♪ (INTREPID MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (DUMPSTER CLANGS)
- PEACEMAKER: Ow, f*ck!

(GRUNTING)

Stop, police! Stop or I'll sh**t!

(g*nshots f*ring)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

(WHISTLES)

- (g*nshots)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

(SCREAMS) sh*t! Should I take off?

No, he's not f*cking here yet!

(g*nshots)

- (GRUNTING)
- (b*ll*ts RICOCHETING)

- (BACK WINDSHIELD SHATTERS)
- LEOTA: Dude!

- (EAGLY SCREECHES)
- (g*nsh*t)

- (SCREECHING FRANTICALLY)
- sh*t.

- (g*nshots)
- Go, go! What are you waiting for?

(RAPID g*nf*re)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

That thing better not sh*t back there.

You can't housetrain an eagle, dude.

Not without stealing its soul.

♪ ("BORDERLINE CRAZY" BY
THE CRUEL INTENTIONS PLAYING) ♪

- (EAGLY SQUAWKS)
- (SHRIEKS) Whoo!

♪ Hit the switch to ignition, honey ♪

♪ Take a ride in my mind ♪

♪ Can't you see I love this feeling ♪

- LEOTA: Whoo, boy! (LAUGHS)
- (EAGLY SQUAWKS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

♪ (HIGH-ENERGY ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(TOILET FLUSHING)

You change the car registration
into someone else's name?

Not only that,

I changed the fingerprints
out to the same person,

which they'll discover when they get

the lab results back in a couple days.

- That's possible?
- Yeah, for this guy with two thumbs it is.

That's not how that works,
but... good, great.

- Who'd you change it to?
- Oh, Mr. Murn, you're gonna love this.

SOPHIE: August Ransom Smith?

Yeah. What?

I was wondering if you
would mind answering

a few questions for us.

Yeah, I mind. More from you than him.

Why more from me?

Let's just say that, uh,

egg foo young ain't my thing, baby.

Walking scrotum here doesn't
like egg foo young. Got that, Fitz?

I'll put it in my notes.

Where were you last night from
about midnight to : a.m.?

AUGGIE SMITH: I was right here.
And I don't gotta answer you.

- (BANGS DOOR)
- LARRY: Hey. What's your f*cking problem, pal?

Playing dress-up again?

Oh, yeah. You'll wish it was dress-up.

Is that a thr*at?

No, I don't thr*at, I just do.

Now get the f*ck off my property.

SOPHIE: Maybe you can tell
us why a Ford Comet

registered in your name

was left at the Wild Estates
Apartment Complex uptown?

(SIGHS) I don't have a Comet.

That's my kid.

Your kid, as in Christopher Smith?

Peacemaker?

Arrest me or get the f*ck
out of here, chopsticks.

Yeah, well, we'll be seeing you, fork!

Fork?

Why not spoon?

Everybody in the world uses spoons.

Yeah, but that assh*le
doesn't know that.

That's true.

I mean, spoon would've
been more demeaning.

- Yeah.
- Makes it like a baby thing.

You know, little babies use spoons.

Okay, adults also use spoons,
but I get it.

You hear anything about Peacemaker
getting out of prison?

No. I mean, you'd think
we would've been notified.

SOPHIE: Yeah, you'd think.

You could've chosen anyone,
and you put the car registration

in the name of Peacemaker's father?

I had to act fast.
You were in the bathroom.

I didn't know if you
were going one or two!

Was I supposed to text you
when I'm taking a sh*t?

- I would've appreciated it!
- I'm not gonna text you

when I'm taking a sh*t, John!

Oh, okay, fine! I guess
I'll have to guess

what's happening every
time you go in there.

We're trying to get
this man on our side,

and you thought the right way
to do that was to frame his father?

I don't want to be insubordinate,

but I kinda did
some magical sh*t here today,

and now I feel like you're angry at me.

N... no, I'm not angry at you, John.

But I am starting to think
you're an idiot.

(SCOFFS) Come on, man, don't
use the "I" word, it's not cool.

Hey.

- What do we tell 'em?
- Nothing.

We just got sh*t at!

Like... (IMITATES g*n)

And whoa! Like, my
adrenaline is pumpin'.

Pumping! Like glass
breaking, everything.

You ever been sh*t at?

(SIGHS) No.

(WINCES) Kidding.

- You fucker.
- You're doing great.

Hey, why are they
called butterflies again?

JOHN: Again? We never told you.

- Okay, Dye-beard.
- Hey, guess what? I'm done.

Dude, it's not finished.

I'm not gonna do this if you
keep calling me that name.

- What name?
- That fake name.

You saying I'm fake news?

No, I'm saying you're a f*ckin' assh*le.

I'd rather be
with Harley Quinn than you,

I'd rather be with the Weasel than you.

The only thing fake news
around here is the beard.

I'd rather be with
f*ckin' Bat-Mite than you.

Who's Bat-Mite?

He's a two-foot-tall interdimensional
imp who stans Batman.

I'd rather be with him.

- Is that a real guy?
- Yeah.

- Let's finish.
- f*ck is the world coming to?

From the beginning,
I've kept this operation

completely off the books.
So how did this...

- What's the dead woman's name?
- Annie Sturphausen.

How did this Annie Sturphausen
know about Peacemaker?

Maybe someone's feeding
the butterflies information.

- Who?
- Waller.

- It's not her.
- (HARCOURT SCOFFS)

MURN: I don't think it's Waller, either.

You don't know her like I do.

I saw Waller knowingly sacrifice troops,

including a colonel in the United
States Army, to meet her objective.

We could simply be a decoy team

from whomever else
she's really entrusted

- with taking down the butterflies.
- Still no reason to give us up.

Well, the four of us and Waller are
the only ones who knew about it.

You're the one who
brought the butterflies

to our attention, so it can't be you.

And it's not me,

I just put my ass on the line
to save Muscle Man Weekly.

And it's not Muscle Man Weekly,

because he's the one
who almost got k*lled.

So, if it's not Waller and it's not us,

- maybe it's her.
- Me?

Does anyone here know how
she ended up on this mission?

I got skills.

I got my Binks-Fendelmire Strategic

Combat Certification at the age of .

Binks-Fendelmire is kindergarten
sh*t. What about since then?

What are your actual qualifications?

And how do I know
that you're not one of them?

PEACEMAKER: It's not her.

I trust her the most
because Eagly liked her.

He tried to bite me.

Yeah, but not as hard as he
tries to bite everybody else.

It's obviously, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT) ... Elmo.

Economos. f*ck you.

Why do all of you have
such weird last names?

- John didn't do it.
- Thank you.

- He's too big of a p*ssy to betray us.
- All right.

Not on purpose, but okay, follow me.

So he's, you know, hanging
out, having some fun,

maybe doing some fentanyl
with a prost*tute...

- Oh, God.
- ... in the back of a hillbilly strip club.

He's fallen in love,
'cause it's obviously

the first time he's put
his balls in somebody's mouth,

and he starts getting loose lips!

You know, just showing off.

(MOCKING JOHN) "I'm on a team
with the famous Peacemaker,

and we're taking down the notorious
butterflies. My beard's real".

Are you f*cking stupid?

Sounds more plausible
than I wish it did.

What? I don't even like when my balls

are in somebody's mouth, okay?

It gives me the wrong type of chills.

And all I can think about
is how long it's been

since I've gotten checked
for testicular cancer.

Too long!

You are so f*cked up,
it's adorable, Dye-beard.

Don't call me that!

PEACEMAKER: Okay, f*ck!
Come on, bro. What the f*ck?

MURN: I don't think it's any of us.

Well, then why did Sturphausen
try to k*ll Peacemaker?

Maybe she brought him
back to her apartment

for the purpose he thought she did.

But why would she decide after they

hooked up that she needed to k*ll him?

- Oh, sh*t.
- MURN: What?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(SNIFFLES)

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I gotta brush my teeth.

Cool.

You left the dossier of the person

you're supposed to contract
k*ll for the government

in the apartment of some
rando who blew you?

She's not some rando who
blew me, man. We fully f*cked.

I thought it'd be safer on me
than in the car unattended.

What was I supposed to do? (SCOFFS)

- Drop it off at home first?
- Yes!

You don't understand what
we're up against here, Smith.

The fate of the country
depends on this mission!

And nobody told me that!

Nobody's even told me
what a f*cking butterfly is!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Murn.

Yes.

- (PEACEMAKER SIGHS)
- MURN: Uh-huh.

You don't think that chick left any
monster STDs on my d*ck, do you?

MURN: Come again?

Wait, is being a butterfly like
a venereal disease of some type?

f*ck, am I gonna become one?
Am I a f*cking d*ck vampire now?

When were you gonna tell us
there were witnesses?

I did kidnap a couple for a minute.

Evan and Amber Calcaterra.
Can you take care of 'em?

You want me
to "take care of 'em" like...

- (IMITATES g*n)
- No, just...

just convince them
not to finger Peacemaker.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) More like, um...

I have no clue what that is.
Why are we playing charades?

(WHISPERING) 'Cause I don't
want to say it out loud.

I still don't know what that is.

- Leota.
- (SIGHS) Bribery?

Yes, please. Go do it. Now.

I need Harcourt and Economos
here. Otherwise, I'd send them.

Be straight with me, man.

I'm a d*ck vampire, aren't I?

No, you're not a d*ck vampire,
you're just a d*ck.

- ♪ (SUBDUED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

NEIGHBOR : If you keep
your mouth shut, I can tell you!

NEIGHBOR : Shut up!

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

♪ ("DON'T TREAT ME BAD"
BY FIREHOUSE PLAYING) ♪

♪ Oh, I never thought you'd hurt me ♪

♪ I guess you live and learn ♪

♪ That when you're playin' with fire ♪

♪ You're bound to get b*rned... ♪

(SOBS)

(SOBS, MUMBLES)

(SOBS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(SOBS) Everybody f*cking hates you!

(SNIFFLES)

And Dye-beard could be your friend,

but you pushed him away
like you push everybody away,

'cause you're a f*cking d*ck.

You k*lled Rick Flag.

(SOBS) Flag was right. (SNIFFLES)

Peacemaker... (COUGHS) ... what a joke.

- VIGILANTE: Buddy?
- What the f*ck?

Hey! What the f*ck are you
doing, you... f*cking stalker?

- VIGILANTE: Dude, are you all right?
- f*ck, dude.

I... I... What are you doing?
Are you looking at me

and jerking off right now?
Is your d*ck out?

VIGILANTE: What? No! No, man, look.

I'm not gonna f*cking look,
oldest trick in the book.

I look and you're f*cking rock-hard,

and you throw jizz at my face.
No f*cking way!

VIGILANTE: What? No, dude,
my d*ck is not out.

Is that what you get off on,
me seeing your f*cking d*ck?

VIGILANTE: No! Who the f*ck said that?

Louis C.K. piece of sh*t!

VIGILANTE: Louis C.K. said that?
I'll f*cking k*ll that guy!

No, he didn't say it.
You, you're like Louis C.K.

- VIGILANTE: Because I'm funny?
- f*cking funny, dude? No.

(HESITATES) You...
you show people your d*ck.

VIGILANTE: What does that have to
do with Louis C.K.'s comedy specials?

I didn't say sh*t about
his comedy specials.

What the f*ck, man?

Louis C.K., how he showed people
his d*ck, he, himself.

VIGILANTE: Because he's a ginger?

A f*cking... What?

VIGILANTE: Well, I don't f*cking know!

I'm just trying to figure out
the connection.

Dude, Louis C.K. showed
people his d*ck, all right?

VIGILANTE: He did?

Jesus, man! Do you read the news?

VIGILANTE: (SCOFFS) No.
What for? It's depressing.

Look, hey, I'm begging you.
Will you please,

please just look at my crotch. Come on.

(EXHALES)

VIGILANTE: See? Can you see that?

(SIGHS)

Why the f*ck don't you use the
front door like a normal person?

VIGILANTE: Well, I
saw a light on in here,

and I thought someone
was creeping around.

I'm really happy you're back.

- (SIGHS)
- VIGILANTE: Why are you crying?

I'm not crying.

I'm f*cking doing face muscle exercises.

I'm exercising the muscles in my face,

making my face... more muscular.

I can tell... (SCOFFS)
... under your mask,

your face is skinny as sh*t.

You don't do these exercises
for your face.

Some of them look like crying.
They're not crying.

VIGILANTE: Well, can you
maybe teach 'em to me?

(SCOFFS) Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Calcaterra,

I'm gonna ask you some questions.

And yes, this is a real badge.

- (DOOR OPENING)
- f*ck.

Evan, I can open the door myself.

I'm being a gentleman,
you f*ckin' assh*le.

AMBER: d*ck.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Calcaterra.
- Yeah?

LEOTA: Uh, I was just wondering
if you would, um,

answer a few questions for me.

We're on the way to, uh, the station now

to look at mugshots.

Yeah, well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Firstly, I'm wondering
whether you saw the guy

in your apartment
that you think you saw,

or did you maybe see another guy
that you actually didn't see

but you think you did?

And secondly,

I'm wondering if you've ever had
an all-expenses-paid trip

to the beautiful Lake Tahoe, Nevada?

Are you trying to f*cking bribe us?

No.

Oh. I was hoping
you were trying to bribe us.

Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to bribe you.

PEACEMAKER: When
I was arrested, the cops

turned this place upside
down for evidence.

VIGILANTE: You need
some help cleaning up?

(SIGHS) I guess.

(GROANS)

VIGILANTE: So, how did you
get out anyway?

I thought you were in prison for life.

- It's a secret.
- VIGILANTE: Dude, I'm your best friend.

No, you're not.

VIGILANTE: Well, who's
your best friend then?

Someone you met in prison. I knew it.

Dude, it's Eagly, obviously.

VIGILANTE: Okay, of all people,
who's your best friend?

(SCOFFS) I don't even know
your secret identity.

VIGILANTE: Yeah, I don't tell you
my real identity for your sake.

I don't want to put a target on you.

People will try to use you to get to me.

Hey, where does this go?

PEACEMAKER: With the other tapes.

You think people are gonna t*rture me

to get your secret identity?

VIGILANTE: I am extra special careful

in all my heroic endeavors,

which is probably the reason why,

and I don't mean to be a prick,
you went to prison and I didn't.

- Where's this go?
- The CD rack, dude.

VIGILANTE: See, when they put my mugshot

up in the post office,

it's just gonna be a circle
with a red visor.

And they're gonna have to figure out

what my head looks like
based on the shape.

And I know I have a bony face,

'cause I don't do face muscle exercises,

but that doesn't cut down
very much on the suspects.

Hmm. (LAUGHS)
Hey! Holy sh*t, look at that.

It's a funny smiley man.

"Hey, do you want to
come over and play?"

(LAUGHS) Man, that's adorable.

Hey, how'd you get out anyway?

I work for the government, okay?

VIGILANTE: Post office?

You think they'd f*cking let me
out of prison to deliver mail?

VIGILANTE: I don't know, it was the
first government job I could think of.

Dude. I k*ll people for 'em, okay?

I did it down in Corto Maltese, and
now I gotta do it here in Evergreen.

That's... why I'm out,
in exchange for that. f*ck.

VIGILANTE: Oh, that's sick.

I... I used to think God
put me here for a purpose.

For peace.

And I always said I didn't
care how many people

I needed to t*rture
or k*ll to get it, but...

You know, lately, I just think
I'm a f*ckin' maniac, like...

I don't know, I'm having...

feelings about things that...

VIGILANTE: Okay.

♪ (HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

Do you think I feel good
when, after some dude

does some atrocious act,
that I have to k*ll them?

- I don't know.
- VIGILANTE: When I find out

someone m*rder*d an innocent person,

or sold somebody heroin,

or did some graffiti,

and I k*ll that person
with my bare hands,

their eyeballs popping
out of their skulls,

you think that gives me pleasure?

(SIGHS) No.

VIGILANTE: Well, it does. (LAUGHS)

It gives you pleasure too, Peacemaker.

That's 'cause we're born K*llers.

What separates us from other K*llers

is we only k*ll bad people.

Usually. Unless there's a mistake.

Now, do I sound like a f*cking maniac?

Hey. What do you say we celebrate you

- getting out of prison?
- PEACEMAKER: No.

I have to study the dossier
of the senator I gotta k*ll.

VIGILANTE: I've been
saving up appliances

ever since you were arrested.

♪ ("DRAG ME DOWN" METAL
COVER VERSION PLAYING) ♪

♪ I've got fire for a heart
I'm not scared of the dark ♪

♪ You've never seen it look so easy ♪

♪ I got a river for a soul
and baby, you're a boat ♪

- ♪ Baby, you're my only reason ♪
- (BOWSTRINGS STRETCH)

♪ If I didn't have you
there would be nothing left ♪

♪ A shell of a man
who could never be his best ♪

♪ If I didn't have you
I'd never see the sun ♪

♪ You taught me
how to be someone, yeah... ♪

(LAUGHTER, SCREAMS)

♪ When no one else was ever behind me ♪

♪ All these lights
they can't blind me... ♪

(LAUGHS)

♪ All my life you stood by me ♪

♪ When no one else was ever behind me ♪

♪ All these lights they can't blind me ♪

♪ With your love nobody
can drag me down ♪

- (LAUGHING, CHEERING)
- f*ck yeah!

(GIGGLES)

♪ All my life you stood by me... ♪

(VIGILANTE SCREAMING)

- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ Nobody can drag me down... ♪

(GRUNTS)

- (VIGILANTE LAUGHS)
- ♪ Nobody can drag me down ♪

- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ Yeah, nobody, nobody ♪

VIGILANTE: Yeah!

- ♪ Nobody can drag me down ♪
- PEACEMAKER: f*ck yeah!

♪ (MUSIC ENDS) ♪

It's definitely this guy.

It's this guy.

- Are you sure?
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
- (CHILD SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)

Jesus Christ, you again?

- SOPHIE: August Smith, you are under arrest...
- AUGGIE: Oh, sh*t!

... for the m*rder of Annie Sturphausen.

- (HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
- I don't even know who the f*ck that is!

Get the f*ck off me!

♪ ("BOOTS ON ROCKS OFF"
BY DUST BOWL JOKIES PLAYING) ♪

f*ck you!

(CHUCKLES)

- AUGGIE: And go f*ck yourself, old man!
- (LAUGHS)

♪ You're ready to crash and burn ♪

♪ Sold your karma for some moolah ♪

♪ Pretty ugly and pretty young ♪

♪ I smelled your hookah
and found your lingerie... ♪

(BARKING)

Keeya?

You know that I'm gonna be
working some weird hours.

And I was thinking
maybe you and the fur kids...

Well, you know?

N... no, I don't know.

(SIGHS)

♪ Boots on rocks off ♪

- It's not that big of a deal.
- Are you f*cking kidding me?

You drag me out here,
then you want me to leave?

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ You always work
for a one-night stand ♪

♪ Let me borrow... ♪

(COUGHS) Amber?

(INHALES, EXHALES)

VIGILANTE: No. I can't believe
they legalized that sh*t.

More for me.

VIGILANTE: Three years ago,
I would've sh*t both of you

- in the face for that.
- (CHUCKLES)

(DEVICE VIBRATING)

♪ Barrel is smoking rattle and rolling ♪

♪ Barrel is smoking rattle and rolling ♪

(DEVICE HUMMING, MECHANISM CLICKING)

- What the f*ck?
- VIGILANTE: Dude.

Holy f*ck.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(DOOR BUZZES)

- You're good.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Don't play that crap. Don't do it.

You gotta burn that card
before the river.

PRISONER: Dude, how many times I gotta
teach you how to play this f*cking game?

- Read 'em and weep.
- PRISONER: Dude, seriously. You're pissing me off.

Holy sh*t. Look who it is.

♪ (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

That's my spot

between five and seven during winter.

(SCOFFS) What the f*ck
you talking about, old-timer?

During the sunset, that light there

comes in through that window,

and I like the feel of it on my skin.

So f*cking move.

(SCOFFS) Yeah? And if I don't?

Guess.

f*ck it. f*ck that sh*t.
I ain't dying for this seat.

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

I thought we sent capes
over to Arkham or Belle Reve.

GUARD: The system's overcrowded.

He'll have to stay here
through his trial.

(BELLOWING)
All hail... the White Dragon!

PRISONERS: (CHANTING) Hail!
Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

♪ ("PUMPED UP KICKS" METAL
COVER VERSION PLAYING) ♪

♪ Robert's got a quick hand ♪

♪ He'll look around the room
he won't tell you his plan ♪

♪ He's got a rolled cigarette ♪

♪ Hanging out his mouth
he's a cowboy kid ♪

♪ Yeah, he found a six-sh**t g*n ♪

♪ In his dad's closet
oh, in a box of fun things ♪

♪ And I don't even know what ♪

♪ But he's coming for you
yeah, he's coming for you ♪

♪ All the other kids
with the pumped up kicks ♪

♪ You better run, better run
outrun my g*n ♪

♪ All the other kids
with the pumped up kicks ♪

♪ You better run, better run
faster than my b*llet ♪

♪ (VOCALIZING) ♪

SINGER: You like that, Evan?

♪ All the other kids
with the pumped up kicks ♪

♪ You better run, better run
outrun my g*n ♪

♪ All the other kids
with the pumped up kicks ♪

♪ You better run, better run
faster than my b*llet ♪

It's definitely not the hot guy.

- Aw, f*ck you, Amber!
- Oh, eat me, Evan!

(GRUNTS)

- This guy.
- Okay.

- Can I keep this one?
- Sure.