07x07 - Vehement vs. Vigorous

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Heylia, I'm coming out.

Give me silas. What?

He helps harvest the current crop, then I'll supply you.

Make a plan for both of us.

I was hoping we could make a trade.

You were hoping or zoya was hoping?

I'm here as a free agent.

Free agent?

Don't get mad at me. Zoya's the one who stole your sh*t.

You're gonna give me weed for grenades.

You remind me of her.

Who?

Your sister.

You've been here 48 hours, and already you've tested positive for dr*gs.

And our dear, dim counselor ed barely gave you a slap on the wrist.

The man is a drunk and should be fired!

Look, softball season starts in a week.

I'm guessing that's the only reason they hired me here.

I got steroids.

Who's that guy?

That's klein, the c.e.o.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the copenhagen wheel, a revolutionary accessory that turns your bicycle into an electric hybrid.

I was just hoping that maybe you would consider taking me on as a client.

Excuse me, detective.

Are you taking this class because "the films of nic cage" was all filled up?

No, I'm totally into it.

There are two ways to go in our biz.

The first is you follow every bullshit subsection in the s.e.c. Rule book.

The second way is you use your common sense.

So we're cooking the books.

It's all good. Asses are covered.

Dicks are out, but asses are covered.

You got that right, brother.

Oh.

Oh!

And in akron, I almost got pulled over by this motorcycle cop.

Wait. You're talking 100 miles a minute. Where are you?

Here... New york. It doesn't matter.

Listen, nance...

"Mom."

I have these ideas I want to talk to you about.

Big ideas.

Wait. First, did you get the, um...

30 Pounds, vacuum-sealed.

You're welcome, by the way.

What was that?

Uh, the muffler, probably.

Heylia lent me this van with leopard-print seats.

Silas, I told you to rent a u-haul, not indebt yourself to heylia.

Relax.

I'll return it when I go back for more, which we also need to discuss.

Silas, I'm on my way to a company softball game.

Nancy botwin.

Thorn in my g*dd*mn side.

And I could really, really, really use...

Oh, that's right. Right, don't mind me.

...some more face cream.

Just keep talking on that illegal cellphone.

All the players love my fresh face.

Ignore the words that are coming out of my mouth!

Okay, where should I meet you?

Yes, visit your uncle.

His new bike... Parallelogram... Thing.

Fine.

Okay, love you.

And where the hell do you think you're going?

Company softball game.

Saturday is chores day... Toilet-scrubbing day.

It's a job requirement.

I don't give a sh*t, to be honest.

Um... Uh, excuse me?

15 Years of service I've given to this fine institution.

15 Years during which I have performed my duties without reproach.

Then shelby...

Turquoise-wearing tomahawk-wielding she-warrior, ups and hands me my two-week notice.

What happened? Was it the...

You think you're charming, don't you?

Well, let me lay this on you nice and clear.

I have two weeks to get my job back.

Two weeks during which I am going to stay on you like butter on toast.

No more coming in late, sweet-talking, waltzing in and out like you own the place.

From now on, botwin, your ass is mine.

This is a letter from my boss, douglas wilson...

All very official.

I'm sorry about you and shelby, by the way.

We'll talk later.

I'm late for work.

Right.

Jane jacobs once said...

And I paraphrase...

"It's not tv or dr*gs that's k*lling america.

It's the automobile."

She also said, "neue ideen brauchen alte gebaude,"

Which means... Something in german.

My point is... Community. We have to stick together!

People, fellow business leaders, see, I'm not just interested in opening a neighborhood bike shop that sells maybe the coolest technological invention since the japanese self-cleaning toilet.

I am interested in camaraderie, local kinship.

I'd like to talk about the filthy, treacherous alley behind this building.

Yes. Yes!

And we could talk about... Cross-promotion.

For example, maybe the delivery guys at yu's happy china taco could use the copenhagen wheel on their bikes.

And in exchange, I could distribute chexican takeout menus.

Yes, mr. Yu?

Andy.

Hold that thought.

This is all good. This is all good.

What the f*ck?

Well, i... You know, I expected a bigger turnout, but a lot of passion in this group.

Chip over there... Hudson riverkeeper, huge bike advocate.

Also, key member of manhattan community board 12.

That's us... 12.

Community board?

This is a cover business... Low-profile.

Well, technically, you don't have any business yet for me to cover.

Andy, all these people need to disappear.

And what is shane doing here?

Uh, something about paulie in "goodfellas."

"My money, blah blah blah."

What happened to college?

Checking in on my investment.

Loan! Andy's paying you back. You're paying the bank back.

Capiche?

Capiche.

And it's "banks"... Multiple.

Go. Learn.

Silas is waiting for you. He looks kind of crazy.

Hey!

Check it out.

We got demand all over the city, which is good.

Silas...

But also difficult, because I realized we have no messengers.

Silas! What?

Can you not yell? I haven't slept much.

Where's the supply?

By the way, you were supposed to bring it with you.

I put it somewhere.

Okay. Where?

I'm sorry... Are you hiding my weed from me?

I created it. I harvested it.

I transported it all the way across the country.

You mean my weed?

I can't believe this.

Hear me out, okay?

We need to slow down and come up with a proper business plan.

We have a plan. It's called "sell dr*gs, make money."

I think we need to be more like a pyramid.

We're all at the top, right?

We hire people at the bottom.

We're not a pyramid.

Heylia says you have to insulate yourself.

Heylia lives in the middle of a pygmy tree forest with dean hodes and a shotgun, so I'd really rather not take her advice.

You know, I don't... I don't know why you hate her.

I don't hate her. I...

I can't do this right now.

I have a son I'd really like to get custody of.

I have a halfway house I'd really like to get the f*ck out of.

I need money flowing now.

Well, good luck with that.

Silas.

Today's game... Wall street bankers.

Lots of high-paying customers.

Long-term potential.

It must fit into your plan somewhere.

Let's not lose sight of that.

Here.

That's not even half a pound.

It's enough.

I've already broken it down for you.

See?

Planning ahead.

Why don't you get some sleep? You look exhausted.

I can't.

I have a meeting for potential messengers later.

Well, at least comb your hair.

There it is!

All right, come on.

Rocketman sent me... Says you're the new denny.

Open five days a week.

No middleman. Just stop by my desk.

Place your order... Voila.

Ask for milf the next time you want some, and you will.

No garden-variety hydroponic.

Sweet.

Hey, aren't you the wheel guy?

Yep. I'm a man of many talents.

Come on, doug!

Once upon a time, you sold dime bags at local sporting events.

But now...

Oh, wait. You're selling dime bags at local sporting events.

A somewhat circular journey.

No? Spiral?

That's out of here!

Silas wants to grow too big.

He's ambitious.

He's cocky... Both of you.

How am I cocky?

I'm an unwilling sidekick out here.

You need to scale down on your bike operation.

It's fine for foot traffic, but I can't have members of local government hanging out in there.

Yeah, I doubt there'll be much hanging since you told everyone we were infested with bedbugs.

Now I have to have a whole fake fumigation.

I just...

I just want to run a friendly neighborhood joint.

It's a problem.

Yeah, for you, not me.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Way to go, big guy! Whoo!

Whew!

Hey, are you okay, doug?

Yeah.

I think my kidney just failed, but other than that...

Yeah.

W-what's wrong with your kidney?

He's on steroids.

Looking great out there, though.

Bullshit.

My back is covered in bacne.

My balls are the size of chickpeas.

Are you wearing a sports bra?

No.

Who's... Who's kulakoff?

Oh, just the last accountant.

He left me with a desk full of undated receipts, soy sauce packets, and fingernail clippings.

Look at this guy. What? You taking a break?

Come on. It's time for the rocket to blast off again.

Huh? Come on. Let's do it.

All right, I'm coming. I'm coming.

sh*t.

Watch the bag, okay?

Hey, batter, batter, batter, hey!

Why are we meeting in a parking lot?

Hey, hop in, botwin.

Time to get your cherry popped.

I thought there would be more people.

No way.

This is deep-underground male-model sh*t.

Special invite only, hyper-exclusive.

Silas guinard, welcome to saturday afternoon throwdown.

Otherwise known as

"Ken dolls sissy-slapping each other for self-validation."

I thought you disappeared, by the way.

Headed back to copenhagen or whatever snowy cave you crawled out of.

Nope, still here.

So most of these guys are out of work, right?

Like your b- and c-list guys?

My a-listers would not risk their sh*t at prada's fall campaign for this.

Although a few of them did box when viktor & rolf toyed with a rough trade campaign.

Okay.

Just spit it out already.

Spit what out?

The reason you called.

I'm starting a business.

You? Silas earnest guinard?

It's a delivery service.

I need messengers... Good-looking messengers.

For?

Face cream.

It's this really expensive herbal face cream from india.

Fda hasn't approved it yet.

Right.

So, this has nothing to do with the fact that you've been promising weed to half my clients?

Please. I hear everything.

I need contacts, names.

Dealers, grunt boys.

I will give you a cut plus 10% of all future purchases.

I'll help you...

Under one wee, little condition.

What's your condition?

Have you ever boxed before?

See that smug man over there?

C.e.o. Of vigorous credit.

On wednesday afternoon, I'm gonna buy his entire international portfolio.

I'm a drug dealer.

You're a what?

I figured as long as we're sharing...

Weed, not cr*ck.

That's why I was making the fliers.

I was outing the competition.

Not because I'm some sort of uptight crusader bitch.

Interesting. Hmm.

Yet incriminating.

Why shouldn't I just fire you?

Well, that's no fun.

Do you know what third base is?

Yeah, it's under your... Into the...

Or it's in your pants.

I don't know. I know first base is kissing.

Oh, very good.

No, we have a girl quota, and mary here is seeing stars.

So... Here you go.

I am not gonna get disqualified.

Uh... No, no, no. I don't play.

I'm... I'm more of a black t-shirt, benchwarmer kind of girl.

I hated the jocks in high school. I still do.

Get over it.

Take one for the team, or I'll have you arrested...

Drug dealer.

God.

Third base.

Yo.

I got icing in my grille?

So, they give you blowjobs in exchange for not arresting them?

Pretty sure that's called extortion.

Hey, slow down, cotton mather.

This isn't what it looks like.

Right. Where have I heard that before?

Bill clinton, berlusconi, eliot spitzer.

Hey, don't trash eliot spitzer. He was a f*cking great governor.

It's cool.

He's corrupt. You're corrupt.

Everyone's corrupt.

Hey, botwin, would you shut it already?

Jesus, you're so f*cking world-weary for an 18-year-old.

Moral gray areas... Learn to accept them.

Swim in them.

I swim in moral gray areas.

Trust me.

Oh, yeah?

Yo, mitch, how come veuve clicquot got double what we got for snitching?

What are you talking about?

She say she got $60 last week for a "relevant piece of information."

Well, maybe if you got me better information...

Well, maybe if we got better cupcakes....

Magnolia and sh*t... The red velvet ones they got.

So they're informants.

Lesson number one in police work... People.

Knowing people, understanding people.

Gray areas, my friend.

You want a quickie?

It's good with braces. Give it texture.

No, thanks.

Uh... Rocketman sent me.

What? Oh, no, sorry. Wrong person. Go away.

Whoa, there, steady eddie. You're in a public park.

Rough day?

Fired.

This morning.

But you're such an effectively imposing authority figure.

That r*pe speech you gave me?

I got two weeks to prove I'm not some incompetent, lily-livered lush.

Was it nancy?

Nancy get you in trouble?

Not if I can help it.

I'm gonna find this douglas wilson character, ask him a few questions.

Figure out what the hell kind of sneak-around flimflam is going on here.

Doug?

Yeah.

You know him?

Nope.

I think he might be a code name for something.

Hmm.

You want?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

We're at a crossroads, ed.

Two men, alone, together in a yellow wood.

Amen, brother.

Sure, we could close up shop, throw in the towel, kowtow to... Forces larger than ourselves.

Nancy-shaped forces.

Yeah.

Or we could take a stand for what we believe in...

In my case, clean non-fuel alternatives.

In yours... I'm not exactly sure.

Either way, it's time to make a choice.

Legitimacy or illegitimacy, self or...

You're right, ed.

I didn't... Say anything.

Go easy on nancy.

Mmm.

L'chaim.

Come on! Jesse cole wheaton!

Keep your distance! Out of the corner!

Time out, ref!

All right, all right. Break it up.

What?

It's great that you have a natural inclination to defend yourself, but I need you to lose.

Are you kidding me?

I have multiple bets on sequined spazoid over there.

I'm not gonna throw a fight.

This isn't tyson vs. Holyfield. It's theatrical hijinks.

Take this hit for us, guinard, and I'll have 10 pretty little model boys lined up for you within the hour.

15.

Deal.

All right, let's go, boys.

Fight!

Taking orders from a girl.

No.

No, it's cool. I get it. She's your sugar mama.

Mama's boy.

What the...

Whoo! Yeah!

This isn't real.

What?

Did I win?

Come on. One more.

Couldn't stay away, could you?

I'm coaching.

Well, I don't need coaching. I know baseball.

Bases, dugouts...

Bubble gum.

Your mitt is on the wrong hand.

Yeah? I'm ambidextrious.

Isn't that the word? Both hands? See?

Go go, go! Go!

Stupid piece of sh*t!

You're out.

You m*therf*cking stupid...

Come on! Come on!

Think you're man enough? Come on!

Let's just cut the potential bullshit, okay?

I could easily hire a private detective.

I've done it before... Found out my old man was shtupping a polish cleaning lady...

But I'd rather not.

And I don't really care about your weedy drug thing, but what I am curious about is why all of a sudden you're working at my firm.

Your firm?

Wow. Possessive.

I built it from the ground up.

Self-made man. Very romantic.

Let's not talk about work.

What do you want to talk about?

Are you married?

Divorced... Two kids. Mess.

You? Husband?

Three... All dead.

All dead?

Arsenic.

Kidding... About the arsenic.

Three kids.

What's your favorite board game?

Candyland. Sweet tooth.

You?

Risk.

I like you.

What? What happened?

Game's over.

Oh. Who won?

I'm not sure.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

So, you're saying multiple student loans?

Do you have an international background?

Well, my dad, he's from detroit, but my mom's from trinidad.

That's perfect.

Yo, mitch, I quit.

What are you talking about? What's going on?

You know about this sh*t? Student loans?

f*ck hooking. I'm going to college.

You just cost me my best contact in the east bronx.

She has a dream. Don't hold her back.

That's how you're paying for school... Loan scams?

Student loans are already a scam...

Impossible interest rates, exponential debt, easy access.

It's a bubble. I'm in it till it pops.

Moral gray areas.

You're pretty smart.

You know how to work the system.

If I don't snatch you up now, you might wind up playing for the other side.

Hell, you might wind up running the other side.

S-so...

Come work for me.

Internship.

I'll figure out the details, make sure you get class credit.

What do you say?

f*ck yeah.

Sorry.

Don't apologize.

You were amazing.

I basically had an orgasm watching.

What about our deal?

I think I can make an exception.

Dougie! Dougie, dougie, buddy!

What's going on, man? We got to go shake some hands.

f*cking trash can!

f*cking metal piece of sh*t!

f*cking receptacle!

And you! You with your butt-kissing nicknames!

What are you talking about?

You love it when I call you "rocketman."

It's "doug wilson"!

Not "rocketman," like some vomitous elton john song.

Not "buddy" or "dougie" or "dougster."

It's "doug wilson"!!

You're the rocket.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Douglas wilson?

See?! Is that so hard?!

Marvin. What are you doing here?

Are you still dealing weed with nancy?

Hey, you say hi to u-turn for me!

Yes! Yes, I'm on the 'roids!

f*cking trash can, m*therf*cker!

Andy, where's my bag? Call me. Bye.

Where the hell is she?

I don't know who you are or why you're stalking me, but I'm clean.

I'll pee in a cup right now.

I'm staying out of trouble.

You can talk to my boss, douglas wilson.

Kulakoff's replacement.

What are you? D.e.a.? Fbi?

S.e.c.

Miss botwin...

A former member of the accounting department reported illegal activity at your firm.

Ponzi scheme.

Fled the country... Couldn't take the heat.

We know you're currently living in a halfway house.

You like it?

No, I don't. I'd like to get out.

Very angry people in there.

As a secretary, you have access to certain information, yes?

Are you suggesting a deal?

We need files, primary documents...

Proof, if you will.

You scratch our backs, et cetera.

You need time to consider?

Uh, no.

E-excuse me.

This woman is under my authority.

Not anymore. Yeah.

Please come with me, sir. Step over here.

You have no idea what a good day this is turning out to be!

God.

God, that felt good.

Being back in the game, dealing, making moves, catching balls.

Is that what it feels like to be in the army?

That, like, flash of adrenaline?

You just want to rip your clothes off and...

Hey.

Hey!

Somebody's no fun today.

Zoya.

Hello, lover.