07x09 - Cats! Cats! Cats!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Name's detective ouellette. 25Th precinct.

Come work for me. Internship.

f*ck, yeah.

Wait, who are you? I'm emma from pouncy house.

What?

Pouncy house party rentals.

We're the big boy on the block with a stick. Is that a thr*at?

Who's that guy? That's klein, the c.e.o.

Whoever targeted you as an informant was asleep at the wheel.

I'm sorry... You're gonna be going back to that halfway house.

I'll go higher... C.e.o.

You have access to the c.e.o.?

I'm glad you asked me out.

I didn't ask you out.

Oh, yes, you did.

Questions to ask him.

Guess it's too late to back out.

I'd say so.

Number-one son is really putting a damper on my legit bike biz.

I'm not interested in being the cover anymore.

That is some really healthy bud.

Smells super-potent.

Tell them who I am.

She's...

The love of her life, although I almost had a reason to doubt that, seeing that little kiss downstairs.

I-i'm sorry. You might want to go away.

Because I don't like you, and I have a bad habit of losing things I don't like in fire.

You going somewhere?

You might want to get some new batteries for your smoke detector.

Why?

So your lesbian-lover pyro lady won't burn me up?

Huh?

You really rescued me last night.

You were trying to give me the slip.

I was trying...

Yeah. ...to let you sleep.

Again, for, um... Hank you, a lovely evening...

...by rewarding you with sleep, but you're not asleep.

Mm. You're awake, going to indict you for fraud.

What is that?

Is that a... A theory of yours?

The s.e.c. Knows your...

Knows your fund is a sham, a ponzi scheme.

They're gonna come after you.

I wore a wire last night on our date.

I took it off. It's gone now.

You wore a wire?

Where is it?

It's gone.

How much time do I have?

I... Uh...

I don't know. Weeks?

Weeks, maybe months.

Still, um, last night and this morning... It wasn't bullshit.

I didn't mean...

I think it's time for you to leave.

Uh, I was trying to let you sleep.

I'm the new boss, so half is mine.

Give me the money.

Get away from me. I'm not allowed.

Uh, who are you?

Uh...

Anybody have a toothpick?

I think I got a nerd lodged in my molar.

I don't need all of it. Just give me $700.

Enough to buy some clothes, soup, and a bear.

A bear?

Ow! You're hurting me.

Andy botwin.

Um, just a heads up.

I think zoya might be on her way over there.

Oh, you think? Why do we need a bear?

For protection. Ohh! My face!

See if you can keep her from destroying the place until I get there.

Yeah. Sure thing.

She seems so sane and accountable.

You keep it in a cage.

It guards the dr*gs. It's very intimidating.

Uh, we have a safe, and I studied aikido.

Ha!

I don't think so. Aah!

Please stop doing that.

Just try to keep her out of the back room, okay?

Give her a toaster. She can fix toasters.

She loves... Toasters.

No! Sorry, nance.

I'm... I'm not a part of this.

In case you forgot, I run a legitimate operation.

She is not my problem.

She will be.

So you're on your way?

What does that mean? 10 Minutes? 5 Minutes?

Nance?

See you in a few. Nance? You...

What did you do?

I'm majoring in criminal justice.

Keep talking.

The police offered me an internship.

Oh, jesus.

I get school credit, and I work three days a week at a real precinct.

I get it, okay? You want my attention.

You want to build me a bedroom?

Send me your puppet reviews?

I get it. W-what do you need? I'm listening.

Let me be more than your bank.

You keep partnering up with the wrong son.

I can be your man on the inside.

The cops think I'm one of them.

You want zoya to go back to prison?

I know a guy in narcotics who can plant evidence.

They're gonna be on to you eventually.

I'll protect you.

Babe, these are cops. I'm a drug dealer.

You're a m*rder*r.

We can't all play on the same kickball team.

I can do this.

I have to get this. Don't f*ck up.

Hello? Miss botwin.

I was meaning to call you.

You're gonna have to come down to our office this afternoon.

We need to talk about last night.

sh*t.

I'm still on the line.

Oh, sorry. Um, I'm on my way, okay?

Bye.

Please be careful with the... Red part.

I'm going shopping for some necessities with my new bike.

Listen, svetlana.

Not your bike, not your business.

This is the front of the house. You live in the back.

Separate. Not equal. Not related.

Your business is with nancy.

I don't make such distinctions.

You're my partner too... Until you're not.

And then nancy and I will move to burlington, vermont, and open a world-class hotel for dogs.

So just be patient, moya lyubimaya.

That's the dream, huh?

Stupid hubcap.

Copenhagen wheel. Miracle of science.

Bikes are too heavy.

You want to make real profit, we need smaller ones for dwarves and children.

Yes. Dwarf bikes. Of course.

Careful. Careful with that!

Help me take off your plastic bitch wheel!

Okay, you know what?

Go ahead. Do whatever you want, 'cause we're partners, right?

We're in this together.

Finally you're beginning to understand.

Of course I do.

Of course I do. Family, partners.

I've always loved vermont.

And dogs... Oh, my god! Love dogs.

The three of us together? Can't miss.

No. What?

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what you meant?

No. No?

No! Woof! Woof!

No. No, no! No!

Jesus.

Close the door. Have a seat.

How did you...

Have a message for your boss at pouncy bouncy land castle whatever place.

We're not going anywhere.

So you can tell him to go f*ck himself.

That's it? That's your message? "Go f*ck yourself"?

Yeah.

What? You don't like my message?

I mean, it's fine.

How about, "if I ever see your ugly pissant dealers

"Loitering around our bike shop again, you'll f*cking regret it"?

And then, like, underline "regret it."

Good. Say it just like that.

Or something el...

That's fine.

You sure?

You hungry?

I could eat.

Not coming to vermont! You're not invited!

Why? It's a free country. I can go anywhere I want.

This is for me and nancy.

And andy makes three!

I got great ideas. I do. For instance...

Whoa!

Why limit ourselves to dogs? We could take cats, too.

We're not accepting cats. This is not a place for cats.

We'll house dogs!

Is everything okay out here?

Back inside. Back inside.

Listen to this pitch. Ready? Get ready.

Get rid of dogs entirely. Only take cats.

Shut your f*cking face.

We call it "kat kennel." We spell each word...

With a "k."

We'll never spell "cat" with a "k!"

But you're warming to the cat idea, though?

You're just jealous because what nancy and I have, you will never have with anyone... Not man or beast!

Yeah. Is that why she spent the night at her boss' place last night?

Cats! Cats! Cats!

Yo, leitzke.

Got to update your computer.

Can you come back? I'm working.

I got free copies of microsoft word.

Sweet.

Can you just... Just write down your password?

Oh, well...

It's, uh, "policeofficer," all lower case.

Got it.

Just give me like 10 minutes.

I'm gonna go grab a coffee. You want?

Yeah, cool. Like, with milk.

Coffee, milk. On it.

Hey!

Hi. Thanks for coming when you said you would.

I'm fine, by the way.

Just a minor, uh... Minor contusion.

What are you looking for?

The wire thing.

The transmitter the s.e.c. Made me wear.

Can't find it. Need to return it.

Where's zoya?

Gone.

Ran off into the ether.

Gone?

Mm-hmm.

I might have, uh, mentioned something about your slumber party last night with your bossy-boss.

Great.

The last guy who made her jealous, she b*rned in his sleep.

She burns people?

It's sort of her thing.

sh*t. Well, she's... She's mad.

Shane, have you seen a-a-a black ninja spybox thing?

You mean your motorola low-frequency transmitter?

Yes. No.

But I stole this from the police department.

Well, that was fast.

That's your competition.

The way they operate, who they are, what they sell.

And their weak spots.

How'd you get that?

I walked in and printed it out.

He's good.

So, does this mean they're gonna get busted?

Uh, maybe. Probably not anytime soon.

But for now, you're at an insane competitive advantage.

Right?

Well, it's something.

Is that it?

Your transmitter, over there, underneath the clothes you threw off last night?

While you were changing into a hussy?

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Um, zoya needs to go, nance.

She's a plague on both our houses.

I'll take care of it.

How?

I don't know, but I told you I'll take care of it.

Look, shane. Your mom's making promises.

I get it. You didn't mean to do this.

J-just stop talking.

I was gonna tell you, you should probably leave town now.

Yeah?

Well, plan "a" was live and prosper.

Plan "c"... Disappear.

I used to have a plan "c."

Then plan "c" turned back into plan "a."

Buckets of cash, tropical island.

You want to come with me?

Okay.

Come on.

I'm serious.

I can't just pack up and go.

I have people who need things.

Child people.

You're a secretary/drug dealer with two grown-up kids.

Come on.

Train's leaving. Come on.

You're taking a train to an island?

Must be a magic island.

It is.

It's a magical island.

We slept together one time.

We ate skink. I ruined your life.

What do you want with me?

I don't know.

I like you.

And it's, uh... Lonely out there.

Hmm?

I don't have a swimsuit.

Okay.

You need a townhouse?

What?

Townhouse.

It's gonna take the feds five years to figure out this mess.

It's paid for.

It'll look good on your custody battle. Take it.

What island?

Excuse me?

What's the name of the island where you're gonna be?

Come on. Give me a hint.

Can't tell you that.

It's, uh... Starts with a...

"B."

Um, uh, bermuda!

Barbados.

So, how long you been selling party favors?

Please, let's not talk about work. I'm sick of work.

You don't like your job?

Low pay. Sketchy boss.

Now he makes trance music on his laptop, and he's an ass-grabber.

I've actually been thinking of quitting.

Then come deal for us.

Wow.

You really think I could be a male model?

We'll pay you better.

I don't date dealers.

That came out of nowhere.

Did it?

Legitimate job offer.

I'm not a dealer.

I'm management.

I don't know. You guys seem really big and corporate.

I... I wouldn't want to get lost in the shuffle.

Just me and nancy.

Who's nancy?

My mom.

You don't.

You...

You run this thing with your mom?

Ha. That's adorable.

It's just you and your mom...

Named nancy.

Don't laugh. She's a... Professional.

You guys grow your own stuff?

No.

But our strains are exclusive. I created one myself.

Hot.

What's it called?

Milf.

As in "mother I'd like to f*ck"?

This just got weird.

Come on. Join the team. It'll be fun.

All right.

Make me an offer.

Let's recap, shall we?

Your date with mr. Big sh*t produces nothing but a gaping hole in my chest where my career used to be!

And you turn out to be a narcotics dealer, thereby assassinating your credibility as a future witness.

And for the extra two points, your psycho lesbian ex-con ex threatens to burn to death the key suspect who holds this entire case together!

There's a paper trail.

I can dig. Let me dig.

Dig yourself a hole to china.

You're going back in the system.

You promised me no more halfway house.

f*ck halfway house.

I'm calling my friends at the d.e.a.

So get yourself a lawyer. A good one.

And I'll need our equipment back, please.

I lost it.

What do you mean, you lost it?

I looked. I couldn't find it.

Well, that'll be 90 bucks.

You're serious?

I'm not paying for it.

Do you have, um, change?

Here's $100.

I do not.

And where's the ugly scarf?

I forgot. I left it at home.

Oh, great.

Jolene spent a year knitting that thing.

I know.

Please! Don't call the d.e.a.!

I'll, uh... I'll add to the scarf!

I'll add fringe! I...

Bring him in.

I'm not telling you pigs sh*t.

Doug?

Nancy. They got you, too, huh?

Have a seat, mr. Wilson.

Jesus christ.

We know you been cooking the books for klein's fund.

So one of you better start talking, or you're both going down, because we do not f*ck around at the s.e.c.

S.e.c.? I've heard of you guys.

Oh, yeah? I should f*cking hope so.

Yeah, you guys have those federal pension plans tied in with our midday fund.

What's he talking about?

What are you talking about?

Burnt orange.

I see numbers as color. I'll explain later.

Five years ago, uncle sam bet your retirement plans on our good judgment.

It's all right here in the files.

If we go down, you go down. That's right, meatball.

Not only are you gonna let the two of us off the hook right here, but you're gonna give your bosses in d.c. A ring to make sure that our firm's road to success is paved with the feds' good graces, plenty of deregulations, and a laissez-faire sense of letting us do our g*dd*mn jobs.

What's the matter, agent scary lips?

Your scary lips tastin' my hairy sh*t?

You tastin' doug wilson's world-famous beef stew?

How's it going down? It's kind of spicy, right?

Whew.

Oh, sh*t.

You guys are so f*cked right now.

All I can think about is your wife and a horse.

Go ahead. Take us down.

Watch our shares plummet if you want to retire with your d*ck in our ass, but it's a whole lot sunnier in florida.

Doug wilson. Jesus christ.

Okay.

We're gonna need a second to talk about this.

No way. I'm free to go. Same goes for her.

And, um, uh, no halfway house.

No parole.

No calling your friends at the d.e.a.

He doesn't have any friends at the d.e.a., Do you, melnick?

Do you, melnick?

No. I don't have any friends at the d.e.a.

And I'm gonna need that tape back, from last night.

That's federal property.

It's leverage against me, and I want it.

That's it? That's all of it?

Yeah.

Any chance I could buy an eighth?

I'm gonna need to smoke up.

You got it.

That'll be 90 bucks.

f*ck my life.

You have a nice day, now.

You're really good at burning sh*t down.

In prison, were you and her like, "hey.

"I'm an arsonist. You're an arsonist.

Let's get together and be lesbians"?

Just watch it burn.

Granite countertops, double vanity sinks...

Don't talk. Just watch.

You made the right choice.

No fire. Zero fire. No way.

I-i wore a wire last night for the s.e.c.

What does it mean?

They have tape.

They'll... They'll pin it on you.

Tape?

Last night?

No!

I was joking.

"I lose things I don't like in fire."

It's funny. You laughed.

sh*t. They'll get me on arson.

And he's missing, so, attempted m*rder, maybe.

They'll send me back in.

Most likely.

sh*t! I got to leave.

I got to go.

Are there trains still running?

Burlington via springfield. Leaves in two hours.

Nancitchka, always thinking ahead.

I'm thinking of us, of the weimaraners.

Come with me.

You know I can't now, but soon.

You'd better. I know how you push people away.

No, I don't.

Hmm. It's sort of your thing.

Do you have cash?

Uh... Uh... I took from demetri.

Nancitchka, promise me something.

Anything.

Your brother-in-law, andy...

He stays here.

He never comes to vermont.

Promise.

Thank you.

Zoychka.

You wanted to see me? It's late.

You got somewhere else you got to be?

No.

Great. Sit down.

I think it's time you made your first real arrest.

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah.

And you know what can get someone arrested?

Pirating software can get someone arrested.

Oh. Really?

No.

f*ck no.

I mean, how you gonna steal something off a f*cking computer, anyhow, right?

It's just ones and zeros.

You can't exactly walk off with that sh*t.

Right?

Right.

I mean, unless you print it out.

Then you could walk off with it.

Right, botwin?

Uh-huh.

I trusted you.

Put those on.

You'd get 25% commission on all sales, which is 15% more than pouncy forks over.

In addition to your old routes, you're covering morningside heights west of the park, which is on another map.

And that's alex. He controls the brain.

A call comes in, alex takes a code, the code goes into the brain, where it becomes a human, an address, and then a sale.

You get a new client, you give it to alex, it goes in the brain.

We do not drink liquids near the brain.

Any questions?

How have we not met before?

It's good to have you home again, nance.

What's going on out there?

Silas brought a girl home.

Oh. Is she cute? Yeah.

Well...

Good for him.

He deserves it.

Good morning, mom.

Hey.

Uh, where's your brother?

He didn't come home last night. He's not answering his phone.

Hello?

What the hell is this?

Silas?

Silas!

The computer. No.

We should have bought that bear.