07x03 - Dramedy

[bunniefuu]

Where's Vince? No clue.

He'd better hurry, I've got to meet my accountant in an hour.

You mean Vince's accountant.

I pay him. Yeah, on layaway.

Good one, E.

It's a sad day when you're jealous of my success, Drama.

Your definition of success and mine are way different.

Yeah, I have my own company, you have nothing.

He's got me. Damn straight, player.

I don't like you two as a team.

Get used to it 'cause this team is going places.

Yo yo.

Great mother of God.

You bought a motorcycle.

Don't worry, E. Made sure to get one with airbags.

Hilarious. So what's up? Are we eating?

We're done. We waited an hour. I've got Marvin.

I'm sorry. I didn't know how long it was going to take at the dealer.

Anyway, what are you guys gonna do? Office.

We have a meeting with an Emmy-winning writer.

Oh well, hop on, E. I'll give you a ride.

I want to show your boy Lavin my bike anyway.

He's not my boy. Whatever. Hop on.

No, I'm not sitting on that weird little seat and wrapping my arms around you.

All right. Johnny, you want to race? No.

Come on, remember when we were kids?

We used to race to the market and play Street Fighter.

We were on Schwinns, bro.

Think about how much more fun this will be. Don't be a p*ssy.

I'll see you there.

Come on, E. We're not racing.

Come on! Yes we are!

Be careful. Drive slow.

Can't be careful. We're racing.

Why are you taking me to school today, Daddy?

Because I want to take some of the load off Mommy. You know how hard she works.

Must have done something wrong. No.

What did you do, Daddy? I didn't do anything.

Hey, baby.

Told you. You did something. She's right.

Honey, tell them that we're all good.

What do you guys want for breakfast? French toast.

Okay, so who's come up with a name for our football team?

I think everyone's a little sick of talking about this, Ari.

This family is going to own an NFL team, all right?

We're gonna talk about it 24 hours a day.

You kept your son up all night long talking about this.

Look at him. He's falling asleep. Just kidding.

Do you know what?

I will have breakfast ready as soon as you get ready for school.

Your father's taking you for the first time this year and I'd like you to be on time.

You want me to get him, Mom?

No no no, Jews don't carry g*ns, buddy. You know that.

The Jewish army does. Excuse me!

Could you please get ready for school?

Can you give us one second, honey? Okay.

What are you so upset about?

What am I so upset about? Yeah.

The slut that ruined your best friend's career and marriage is still working in your office.

And if that wasn't enough, for some reason you were spinning her around like you'd just won "Dancing With the Stars."

No, I... Why were you spinning her around?

Because I had just got the call from the NFL and I was excited.

I have dreamt since I was a kid about owning a football team.

I would have spun Lloyd around if he was in front of me. And if I could lift him.

I don't like that girl, Ari. I don't like her one bit.

And I still don't understand why you didn't fire her last year.

If I was gonna fire anyone, it should have been Andrew.

You know what? Maybe you should have fired them both.

Oh!

This is badass. You like?

Yes. I f*cking love it.

E must be losing his mind.

I told him the good news is you get into an accident on a bike, you don't break legs. Usually you just die. Hey, I've got a '60 Panhead.

We should go for a putt this weekend, The Rock Store.

That'd be great. Hey, want to take it for a spin right now?

I would love to. I've got to go to this auction and buy some wine for a client.

You do that for your clients? I'd like to have you believe that, but Murray is playing golf with Sean Connery in Scotland.

So it falls on me to do all his bitch work.

You should hear some of the things I made E do over the years.

I'd very much enjoy that. Truth be told, I'd suck herpes out of a girl's ass for you.

I got beef with Murray. Never met him.

No, why would you? He's never here.

Hence the empty parking spot. They got other things at this auction?

They got art, coins, all kinds of sh*t.

Perfect, I'll roll with. All right.

Pick up some things for the house.

Or maybe I'll just raise the bidding on Connery's wine.

I like it. Force him out of retirement.

Actually pull in some commissions.

Pull around, I'll see you in a second.

So, I won my first two Emmys for "The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd" in '87-'88.

I won my third for "The Famous Teddy Z" in '89, and then in '91 was my fourth and final one for "Designing Women."

All before the age of 30.

No wins after '91?

To tell you the truth, I haven't had a produced script since '91.

Roger made so much money in the '80s that in 1991, much to his first agent Ari Gold's chagrin, he decided to retire young. And now you're unretiring?

Roger lost a lot of money in the market the last couple of years.

And my stay-at-home husband took a lot more.

So you're just getting back into the business for money?

I was hoping whoever was going to write my show was going to be excited to work for me. Work for you?

Johnny, Roger is very excited.

Not to work for you, but to work with you.

Right, Roger? I'm exuberant.

So what's this show about?

It's about two brothers who work at the Four Seasons Maui.

You ever been there? No.

It's incredible.

So this show is just an excuse to live in Maui?

And what would be so wrong with that?

Yeah, don't worry about that, Drama.

Yeah, Johnny. You're gonna love Maui. I do love Maui.

I'm just concerned about what the show is going to be.

I'm just concerned you've only done sitcoms.

Mostly multi-camera work. Have you ever done any dramas?

I don't do dramas. And I don't do comedy. I'm not funny.

Lloyd sent me tape of you and you're incredibly funny, Johnny, even though you don't mean to be.

As a matter of fact, after I watched your stuff I wrote 10 pages. And it's good.

Here, read it. If you like it I'll write some more.

Until then I got a mani-pedi to roll to.

Ciao, Lloyd. Bye, sweetie.

Take care, Roger. Yeah.

Well? What's with the arrogant has-been?

I thought we were gonna get some high-end showrunners in here.

I'm setting all I can. What about d*ck Wolf?

He personally told me I was great when I played a streaker in "SVU."

Drama, we've been calling everywhere. We're gonna keep looking.

In the meantime, let's just read Roger's script.

It was written just for you.

Hopefully I'm not based on his stay-at-home husband.

What would be so wrong with playing a stay-at-home husband?

Nothing, Lloyd. Nothing.

Take it easy.

You don't seem happy, Marvin. Your business stinks.

And you don't pay me. Why would I be happy?

My business is growing. You lost two grand last month.

Yeah, but I lost three grand the month before.

That's because you stopped eating lunch.

There's got to be something I can do. Take out an insurance policy, fake your death. We'll mail you some cash to Guatemala or someplace.

Can you at least try and take this seriously, please?

Hey, I'm dead serious. You are running out of cash and fast.

I sank every dollar I had into this, Marvin.

Yeah, I know that. And Vince sunk in about 30 grand also.

Sunk being the operative word.

Nobody thought I could pull this off when I started.

And look, I put together a real business.

Turtle, it's admirable what you've attempted. I really mean that.

And to tell you the truth, you're costing Vince a lot less money now when you're working than when you weren't.

But you're gonna run out of cash soon and you cannot get any more money from Vince. That bank is closed.

You'd better figure out something else and quick.

Ari, Ari, Ari.

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. Did you have a stroke and now stutter?

Is there something going on that I should know about?

Something going on? With the NFL?

Who told you? People are talking.

What people? What difference does it make?

Is it true? Yes, it's true.

I was going to talk to you about it today.

What does it mean? Are you leaving here?

Of course not. That's not what people think.

What people?

The people who are talking.

Let's straighten it out. Let's get the people to stop talking.

Everyone, conference room quickly!

And quickly means run!

Ari, can we go to lunch today?

What? No, why? I need to talk.

Email me. Okay, people, here's the thing.

This merger has made me more famous than I ever wanted to be.

I don't want to be known, I don't want to be talked about.

I have ears everywhere.

Let me just say that if those ears hear about anyone talking about me, that person will die.

And I'm not threatening your jobs, I'm threatening your lives.

And I'm serious. But here's what's happening, in case any of you have heard.

I'm bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles.

And it won't affect this company, by the way, except we all might have really good football seats.

Mike Ovitz couldn't do it. I will.

Shh.

The NFL has a prestigious reputation.

What you say and do can affect mine.

Don't. Shh.

Ari. Didn't I tell you to email me?

Are you mad at me about something? No.

It was you who was twirling me around in front of your wife.

I'm not mad at you. I'm just busy. What's up?

Okay. I want to ask you a question.

And I want you to think about it before you answer.

Speak. Andrew has left us.

He's obviously not coming back. He is in rehab.

And when he's done rehabbing he's coming back. Okay, in the meantime...

I'm gonna be looking for someone else to run the TV department.

I don't think you need to. No.

I didn't even ask you yet. No.

And you didn't take time to think about it like I asked.

I just took time to think about it and the answer is still no.

Okay, Ari, name one person who is more qualified than me.

I don't know the names of any people in the TV department.

And the only reason I know your name is the reason no one is heading our television department.

It's no way to move up. Completely unfair.

Tell that to Andrew's fatherless children.

Ari, I have delivered for you and this company.

I have kept Aaron Sorkin happy since Andrew left.

I have signed three top showrunners.

I have packaged four TV shows and I've been dealing with all the TV talent that everybody else had been ignoring.

My work speaks for itself and I would like you to reasonably consider that.

Well, since you put it like that, um, no.

Ari, I'm not satisfied.

I'm sorry, kid, but I'm not the man who's gonna satisfy you.

Tell Murray to f*ck off.

He says if you don't get the wine, don't bother coming back to work.

Is that a joke? Are you kidding me?

I'm afraid not. Did you tell him I'm here now?

Of course, but he still wanted me to pass along the message.

Do you really want me to pass back "f*ck off"?

No. I'll tell him myself when I speak to him.

See you later. See you soon, Vince.

All good? Yeah.

You sure? My boss is a f*cking prick.

E says he's a nice guy.

E's marrying his god-daughter. What else is he gonna say?

I hear you.

How cool is this? It's very cool.

That is the skull of a recently discovered species of allosaurus.

It's Adrian Peterson's.

Hey, Adrian. Vinnie Chase.

I haven't seen you since New Orleans. Yeah.

Hey, tough loss. They're all tough.

You guys trying to buy my skull?

We were just browsing. Why are you selling it?

Yeah, was Visanthe Shiancoe trying to use it as a cup?

Funny. Just an investment.

A very good one at that.

This is one of the most rare skulls in the world.

Really?

Even more rare than the one Nicolas Cage has.

Nicolas Cage has a dinosaur head?

I'm sure at this point the IRS has a dinosaur head.

Quite possibly. But he did outbid Leo for one in 2007.

What did he pay?

$275,000 I think.

Wow. And you think this would go for more?

It should. It better.

Good seeing you, Vince. Hey, see ya.

You really think this would go for more than $275,000?

Anything is possible at an auction.

But maybe somebody'll get lucky.

She wants to f*ck.

You think I have to buy the skull in order to?

It couldn't hurt. Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. This is perfect.

Do you know Randall Wallace? Not personally, but I loved "Braveheart."

You have to meet him. You have to introduce me.

After you, please. Hey, Randall.

Hey, Scott Lavin. Oh, Scott.

Yeah, how are you? Good to see you.

Good to see you. How's Murray? Murray is, uh, dead.

I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding.

Listen, you know Vinnie Chase?

Not personally, but I've wanted to meet you for a long time. I'm a huge fan.

He was just saying what a fan of yours he was.

Just now. I can't wait to see "Secretariat."

It's testing through the roof. I can't wait for you to see it.

I tried to sign Randall at the "Pearl Harbor" premiere. You remember that?

Yeah, you were still in the mailroom at the time as I recall.

You have a very good memory. It's true.

Why haven't you guys found something to do together?

You've got to find something. Vince, I've got the perfect thing for you... a Stan Lee superhero. It's called "Air-Walker."

Interesting. I know you did "Aquaman."

But this has a whole different feel.

David Benioff wrote the script. Really?

Yeah, and I've been calling Ari and I don't get a callback.

Talk to Scott. He's right here.

Immediately call me this week. We'll get into it.

I'll do it. I'll call.

Good to see you. You too, Scott.

See you later. Nice to meet you, Vince.

I think it's hysterical. I know it's only 10 pages but it's funny.

Well, I don't get it or know how to make it funny.

You don't have to make it funny. It is.

But I'm not funny, bro. Yes you are, Drama.

That guy Roger was right. Just play it straight.

Come on, read with me.

I don't think you opposite me is gonna bring out my best.

Will you just read?

"Why do you think that girl was looking at you and not me?"

"Well, look at me." "Look at me.

I think there's a whole universe of women that would look at me as better looking than you."

"I'll agree, but while we're living in this universe let's assume she was looking at me."

What, I'm playing the ugly guy?

No, you're playing the not-as-good-looking- as-the-really-good-looking guy.

Yeah, good luck casting that. See that, Drama? You are funny.

You know what? Let's call Yagoda. Let's.

In fact, let's just bring it over to him. Come on.

Do you really need me or can I go back to other parts of my life?

You love hanging with me.

Besides, now that your boy Lavin stole Vince, who else you got to hang with?

We'll hang later.

Your loss.

I'm just asking for a favor.

We barely make salary now, Turtle.

But God knows how much you make in tips.

Tips are down with the economy.

And mostly we get cash offers to give blowjobs.

So is that what you're asking us to do to make decent money?

Of course I'm not, but I got no choice.

If I want to expand I've got to make more money.

In order to make more money I've got to pay you guys less.

How much less? Half.

What?! And I can't pay for your lunches anymore.

Well, what if we say no? You could stay on, but I'd be looking for replacements willing to work cheaper.

You're gonna be looking at some butt-ugly replacements.

Come on, Sarah, please.

I'm sorry, honey, I can't do it. Abby?

I can't either. I'm barely making rent now.

Seriously, Turtle, we can make more money being extras on a set.

We were doing this because it gave us more free time to work on other stuff.

Sorry, Turtle. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Me too.

Turtle? Yeah?

Any way we can get our checks today?

Tomorrow. Just got to transfer money into that account.

Oh God. Yeah, I thought so.

What? Bye, Turtle.

Ari.

Didn't we already top our one conversation per day rule, Babs?

I want to talk about Lizzie.

Oh, Jesus, she went running to her grandmother.

I think she's a star.

And I think she's a star who we can get for a lot less than anybody we bring in from the outside to run our TV department.

Why don't you run the TV department?

Why don't you? Barbara.

Is this because of what happened between her and Andrew?

It's because I don't think she's ready.

Well, I think she is. She looks 21.

Her looks don't matter. Really?

We'd still have the head of our TV department if that were the case.

So it is about that. No, Barbara, it's about...

Ari, she's going to quit if we don't give her what she wants.

She said that? Yes, and I'd hate to lose her.

Well, so would I. But?

But she's not ready. And threatening to quit

'cause she didn't get her way proves that.

Everyone knows I don't respond to threats.

And neither should you. I'm calling her bluff.

She's gonna be a superstar, Ari.

I'm calling her bluff.

So tell her to show us her g*dd*mn cards.

Maybe I should have a say in this too.

You had your say and you were overruled.

You don't get to overrule me!

Barbara, this girl caused the demise of my best friend.

You take up her cause now and it'll be the demise of us.

Tell her to keep her pretty head down and when she's ready she'll get hers.

Maybe I'll just tell her you're a jackass.

Oh, good cop, bad cop game. I like it.

Maybe later we can role-play, huh?

Is it just me or would you look great in leather pants and a gag ball?

A toast to Bond for this fine wine.

Yeah, I'm a dead person.

Are you really afraid of Murray?

Come on, like you said, I'm a client too.

f*ck Murray. I am not afraid of Murray. I'm afraid of Bond.

We'll buy him more.

"We'll buy him more." This is rare sh*t.

I know, and rare sh*t tastes amazing.

Yes, it does. Oh, well.

I'll just blame Murray then. Now you're thinking.

Come on, guys, are we playing or what?

Yeah yeah yeah, we're playing. Come on, let's play.

One second. Turtle.

Where you going? Let's hang. Got to wash the cars.

Don't you have someone to do that for you?

Cutting costs.

All right, I'm back.

What are we playing? Truth or Dare.

That is my favorite game in the whole wide world.

Great, I'll go first. Truth.

Okay, which one of us do you want to f*ck more?

Really? You could ask me anything and that's what you want to know?

Mm-hmm. Here's the good news, ladies.

One way or another, everyone's gonna get f*cked.

Okay? All right.

"Look at me. I think there's a whole universe of women that would look at me as better looking than you."

"I'll agree, but while we're living in this universe let's assume she was looking at me."

"Assumption denied."

Maybe you are funny. That's what I learned today.

The only problem I see is I'm also good looking.

So who are we gonna find to play the second male lead?

I got a great idea. What? What is it?

Let me see what I can do first. I don't want to get you excited.

I'm already excited. Look at me.

Johnny, you really are funny. You know what?

Get out of here. I've got work to do. I'll call you in a little bit.

All right, Phil. All right?

Alex? How are you?

Not happy. What's wrong?

Well, that check you gave me... it bounced.

sh*t. I'm sorry. I should have called and told you to hold off cashing it till tomorrow.

Yeah, you should have. Just some banking issues. I'll sort it out.

When? 'Cause I really need the money.

You can cash it tomorrow for sure.

But if it's an emergency I'll get it done today.

Okay, thanks.

You know what? It's fine.

I'll wait till tomorrow. I just thought you stopped payment or something.

Why would I do that? I don't know.

'Cause you didn't really want to pay me.

Why do you think I'm such a bad guy?

I don't. I've got trust issues. I'm working on it.

Sorry, I've got problems too. All the girls just quit.

What, did you try to f*ck them also?

No, that was just you. So what's the problem?

Cutbacks. Business isn't great.

I thought you were doing so well.

I tend to project an air of confidence. Makes the workers feel good.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's not your problem.

Well, it is if that check's not really gonna clear.

No, it'll be fine tomorrow.

I know. I was just kidding... sort of.

You know what?

If you want, you can come by today. I can give you cash.

Really? You sure?

Totally. And I'll keep my hands to myself.

You'd better. All right, I'll see you in a little.

Okay, bye.

I feel good.

Drama's good, Vince seems happy. We're good.

Are you convincing me or yourself?

Whoever it's working on. Neither.

But you are right about one thing... we are good.

Actually, Drama's pretty good too.

Well, what are you thinking? Vince isn't okay?

I don't know. Something's up.

I mean, he shaves his head, forces Cassavetes to push back his reshoot schedule.

I think you just need to get used to letting go and let Vince figure stuff out on his own.

Yeah, you're right.

I've got a great job, great fiancée.

I probably should have put you first, right?

Yeah, you probably should. I'm proud of you, babe.

I love you.

Relax, okay?

We're gonna have a wonderful night.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You guys want another drink? Oh yes, thank you.

Grab another bottle. All right.

I like her. I like you. I like you more.

Maybe you could come visit me while I'm hotel living in Maui.

That would be amazing. It's paradise.

The Four Seasons has the most incredible infinity pool overlooking the ocean. Hello?

Hello. Come to the party. Sit, please.

No. What's up, Alex?

Let's go in here. Oh, sorry.

Isn't that the girl that won't f*ck him?

She was. Go, Turtle. Go, Turtle!

All right, it's all here. You can count it.

It's not counterfeit, is it? Not as far as I know.

Thanks, I actually really needed this.

You and I both.

Wow, you're really in bad shape, huh?

I'll be all right.

Um, listen, I've got a way we could both make some money.

You gonna sell my kidney on the black market?

I hadn't thought of that, but maybe.

I actually have a friend I was gonna hook you up with before I quit, but then I just said forget it.

What friend? This guy down in Mexico.

I don't deal dr*gs, Alex.

I mean, I used to sell some weed in high school, but not anymore.

It's not dr*gs.

What is it?

Come down to Mexico with me. I'll introduce you.

Yeah? Yeah.

Okay, 10 more seconds.

10, nine...

...eight, seven... It's my producer.

Hey, Phil. Hey, John.

You've got to speak up. It's kind of loud in here. I can't hear you.

John Stamos, John. Can you hear that?

John Stamos? Yeah, think he could play the other guy?

Maybe, I don't know. You think he's better looking than me?

Maybe, John. Anyway, he likes the idea and the network loves him.

They said if he's in, they're in.

So we're all in. He wants to meet you, approve you.

Stamos? Yeah.

Needs to approve me?

Come on, John, I'm gonna set this up.

This is really really good. Okay.

Aloha, baby. Aloha.

Hey, Johnny, how'd it go?

John Stamos may be my co-star.

Ooh, he's cute. Awesome.

Yeah, I'm gonna call E. Tell him to come by.

Yo. Phil thinks we can get John Stamos.

Oh, wow. You think he's better looking than me?

Um, I don't know, Drama.

Ask Sloan.

Drama. Ask her.

Do you think John Stamos is better looking than Drama?

No way. sh*t.

Hope the network thinks so.

Yo, E, get your ass over here and come celebrate with the Chase men.

I'm having dinner with Sloan.

I didn't want to bother you, but life is passing you by, buddy.

I'm happy right where I am. Vince!

Vince, we're having a party. Come on, get off the phone.

Who's that? Is that Scott? You guys still hanging?

Yeah. Watch out for him, Vince.

Don't be paranoid. What am I, 12?

Hey, is that E? Tell him we might have found your next script.

What's he saying? Nothing.

He introduced me to Randall Wallace today.

He's got a potential movie for me.

Hello?

Yeah. Vince, get off the phone.

We're not done with our game yet.

You know what, E? I've got to go.

Go.

I love you.

Hello? Anyone home?

What, everyone's mad at me now?

No, I was never mad at you, Daddy.

I'm cool, Dad.

Where's Mommy? Kitchen, still mad.

Babs. She quit.

Come on, where's she gonna go?

I don't know, Ari. But my guess is many will want her.

I'm not gonna give her a good recommendation, are you?

I think this was a mistake, Ari.

You've been heard.

A big f*cking mistake.

Baby. Hey.

Got rid of Lizzie.

What, you fired her?

She's done. She's gone.

Well, now I feel bad. Well, don't.

Honey, she'll be fine. What about us?

Come on, baby.

Yo, E. What's good?

You tell me.

You know what? Spending some time with your boys, realizing maybe you're not as soft as I've been treating you.

No. So I think we should be friends.

We can be friends, Scott. Just don't bring Vince projects anymore, okay? I do that alone.

Don't be territorial with me. We both rep him.

No, Scott, we don't.

Whoa, hey, this is a team company, E.

That all comes down from your soon-to-be godfather-in-law.

Where's Vince? He is in the can.

He got called out on a dare and he's in there with two girls.

You guys are playing Truth or Dare?

"You're playing Truth or Dare?" What, are you too mature?

I've got an idea.

I double dare you to arm-wrestle me for Vince.

Do you want to hit me as hard as you can? 'Cause you can.

I'll let you. Let's go punch for punch. sh*ts in the face.

I go first. Careful, Scott.

E's pretty scrappy. Is he really?

I'm not worried. Go ahead, you take the first sh*t.

I'm not gonna punch you in the face, Scott.

You're not? What if I do that? Then what?

Great mother of God.

What happened? E broke it.

That's not my hat, is it, bro?