09x11 - Hip-Shaking and Booty-Quaking

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Ah, "Fame."
Back in the ' s,

this tale of artsy kids
singing and dancing their way

through high school delighted me,

but not everyone got it.

They're all moving too much.

Aren't you swept up in their passion

and devotion to the craft?

I'll give you a craft... plumbing.

That's where they're all
gonna be in years,

when their knees give out and
the songs don't pay the bills.

How does every conversation end
in your pro-plumbing stance?

Turns out, I wasn't
the only one obsessed with it.

I have everything in common
with these artistic children.

Oh, yeah? That last one

just did a backflip off a fire hydrant.

That's for official use, moron!

Us artsy types are
an unpredictable bunch.

I'll give you a prediction...

plumber, plumber, plumber, plumber.

Shush! We share an artist's soul.

Yep, my mom had a bad case
of "Fame" fever.

[Drumming] Look at me.

[Glasses dinging]

Fun stuff, Mrs. G.

But why exactly are you
drumming on my glass of Tang?

She's trying to re-create
the magical, rhythmic energy

of the "Hot Lunch Jam" number
from "Fame."

Stop "Fame"-ing us during dinner.

Those were high school kids.
You're like !

It's embarrassing.

ADAM: Don't resist.
We all know this rat-a-tatting

is gonna end in some family hip-shaking

and booty-quaking.

This reads as super crazy to me,
but do your thing.

BEVERLY: Unh! There you go, Geoffrey.

Feel the throbbing pulsations
with your future mother-in-law.

Geoff, don't you dare let the b*at in.

It's too late. b*at's knocking.

Sorry, babe.
Geoffy's gotta open the door!

- BEVERLY: Whoo!
- Gah! I truly hate this,

but the sound is incomplete
without my beatboxing.

- [Beatboxes]
- ADAM: Joanne?

Any interest in making sweet,
sweet music with us?

Uh, the wording is questionable,

but I make a habit of
never saying no to anything.

BEVERLY: Uh-oh! Look what I found

carelessly placed in front of Erica!

No, it's not going to happen.

I feel nothing. It doesn't work on me.

- Come on.
- Fine.

- Ooh!
- Whoo!

[Upbeat music plays]

Unh-unh! Bring it on down.

- [Geoff humming]
- Whoo, yeah!

Come on, Adam. Get on Mama's shoulders.

It's time to take this to the street.

The power of the rhythm makes me
believe that's a good idea.

- Hot Lunch! Whoo!
- Okay. Whoa!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January th, -something.

For Erica and Geoff,
a typical morning at college,

until my sister spotted
her pal Jean Jacobs.

Jean? Hey.

Why are you wearing a party
dress at : in the morning?

Ooh, are you going to
a Daytime Emmy watch party?

Outstanding Game Show Host
is a nail-biter this year.

I'm just heading home
from an all-nighter.

It was awesome. We pre-gamed
at the Villanova tailgate,

and then we post-gamed at
this abandoned cookie factory,

but that sucked,
so I called my friend Alice.

She was at Sammy's with
this guy she's hooking up with.

Y'all know Tater?

I know tater tots,
the fry's rambunctious cousin.

Don't care for their shape.

Well, our night was bananas, too.

We watched a bartender
do crazy bottle tricks,

and then he got into a fight
with his boss,

who's also a bottle juggler,

and then he moved to Jamaica.

Isn't that the plot
to the movie "Cocktails"

starring Tom Cruise?

Yeah, we rented it
and ordered in Chinese.

The egg rolls were heavy,
so I fell asleep

and don't really know how it ends.

- Oh, he gets the girl.
- Oh, nice.

Aww. I forgot you guys
are all locked down,

just engaged and crap.

Well, one woman's crap is another man's

mountaintop of utter bliss.

Don't oversell it, Geoff.

So we'll catch you in poli sci later?

I can't. I gotta crash.

And then I gotta figure out
what I'm wearing

to the Theta Beta Just Your Bra Party.

Seems like it's right there in the name.

College is the best!

[Giggles] Bye!

With that, Erica and Geoff
couldn't help but wonder

why their college experience
felt a little different.

So, Jean Jacobs is
really getting after it.

Are we getting after it?

Of course. We just got
the monthly rental record

at West Coast Video.

We b*at out everyone, including that boy

with no immune system
who can't go outside.

You're right. We're crushing college.

Wrong! Buzzer sound!

Gah! How'd you get in here?

Also, I didn't even bake
that lasagna yet.

This is what you get for giving me a key

in case of emergency.

And the emergency was,

we wanted to see
what was in your fridge.

I combined all your juices

into one giant tropical super-juice.

It was horrible. I dumped it out.

Geoff and I do stuff.

We went to Bookbinder's on Friday.

I heard. Nana and Poppy said

they ran into you on your way out,

and they eat dinner at, like, : .

Well, we were b*ating the rush.

Which we did, by the way. Rush beaten.

You know what? Being engaged in college

has turned you both into
pathetic, do-nothing sad sacks.

Oh, come on. There's a whole community

of like-minded young,
engaged people on campus.

I mean, there has to be.

For sure. College is all about

permanent and endless monogamy.

You can totally be engaged
in college and still be cool,

and we'll prove it with a dinner party.

It's either dinner or a party, Erica.

You can't have it both ways.

Who's coming to this shindig?

You guys, and every fun-loving
engaged couple around.

- [Scoffs]
- We'll lock in a few of those firecrackers,

and then you'll see how we go off.

To quote the teen who lives downstairs

that I'm desperate to impress, "Booya."

Booya indeed.

As Erica and Geoff insisted
they weren't boring weirdos,

Principle Ball was busy
boring the faculty.

Next week is our annual
Teacher-Senior-Sendoff,

so why don't we just
rip off the Band-Aid

and do a quick rehearsal.

[Kazoo note plays]

ALL: [Dissonantly]
♪ Voices ring out to thee ♪

♪ Hail, William Penn ♪

BEVERLY: Stop it!

These wonderful children
have been in our care

for formative years!

Don't you think they deserve
a better send-off

than some mournful dirge?

Oh, botheration.
She's got something cooking.

You can tell by her tone.

Now, who knows
the musical sensation "Fame"?

Don't you mean "Lame"? Ha!

Move over, Leonard Maltin.
I'm starting my own takedown

of Hollywood's biggest misses.

You could call it "Woodburn's Burns."

I've never liked you till this moment.

- Mm.
- Okay. Focus!

I'm talking about a big,
theatrical production

with singing, choreography, costumes,

and me at the center of it all.

Or we could go with the dumb hymn.

It's horrible, but it's easier to sing

while plastered on cooking sherry.

Maybe this should be a take aside,

but I like what you're
putting out there.

These are our seniors
we're talking about.

Let's blow it out.

As principal, I have the final word,

and our crappy hymn it is.

Thank you, Earl, for
shutting down Beverly Goldberg,

who pitched an idea
that we all hate. [Laughs]

- I love your "Fame" idea.
- Really?

Yes. I'm a "Fame"-a-holic.
I've seen it times.

The ticket guy at the theater
thinks I'm mentally unstable.

Well, you know,
they have it on VHS, John.

I was an early adopter
of the Sony format Betamax.

Its retail failure was also my own.

Then why'd you double down
and say my idea was terrible?

Peer pressure and outie belly buttons

are my greatest fears.

But you don't know how many
school musicals I've sat through,

silently longing to be up there
under those hot lights myself.

Then, baby, they'll remember your name.

That's from the movie!

[Both laugh]

While my mom and Glascott
cooked up a plan,

dinner was served at Erica and Geoff's.

Who wants crostinis?

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Trip? Dawn?
Some crusty bread for dipping?

Well, did you know bread from the fridge

goes stale six times faster
than bread at room temperature?

Sweet bread fact, bro.

I'll remember it next time
I can't fall asleep.

After a painful search,
Erica and Geoff managed to find

one other engaged couple on campus,

who were boring as hell.

Who knew there were so many
kinds of crisper drawers?

That's crazy.

It covers theft, water damage,
natural disasters,

bodily injuries...

Everything crisps.

Lettuce, zucchini, squash, potatoes...

Turns out, our shower head
wasn't properly sealed.

It was like, drip, drip,
drip, drip, drip, drip.

Interesting.

Babe?

- Erica?
- Oh. That's crazy.

- We gotta do something.
- Yeah.

Sister Erica,

join me on the veranda
to look at the moon?

Brother Geoff, can you show me

where you keep your sharpest knives?

Dude, do you not see what's going on?

You're failing your partner.

Wait, is Erica upset?

Yes, she's realizing
her future is just gonna be

these stuffy-ass dinners
with Drip and Yawn.

Trip and Dawn. And, oh, my God,
she is realizing that.

Yuh-huh. She used to be a party girl,

but you shut the door
on that part of her life

when you got engaged.

You made her a snooze.

Snooze? Dad says that's
the button for quitters.

I can't believe Geoff roped us
into dinner with these dipwads.

No, don't blame sweet, simple Geoffrey.

If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.

- How?
- Think about it.

Geoff's always been Geoff...

anxious, uptight, indecisive,
hugely boring.

But in a lovable way.

He's the best.

But you? You used to be a badass.

A dropout rock star who scared people.

Well, then what am I now?

Putting it gently?
Walking, talking death.

- Hey!
- Hey yourself.

You make Trip and Dawn
seem like Robin Williams.

This is all very unfair.

So what do I do?

You're gonna throw a rager.

The biggest party ever.

Also, side note, Dawn wants me bad.

I'm gonna go eat all the cheese.

As Erica and Geoff realized
they needed a change,

my mom was gonna change
the teachers' minds.

[Tambourine rattling]

'Cause nothing gets
people excited for "Fame"

like a "Hot Lunch Jam."

♪

Or, at least,
that's what my mom thought.

No one else is Hot Lunch Jamming.

Trust me, if it worked on
my cynical kids,

it'll work on this crusty bunch.

And yet, it couldn't,
despite their best attempts.

♪

They even did this.

- Has it ever taken this long?
- No.

We should be a tangle of
sweaty teacher bodies by now.

I know. Get on the table.

- I'll dramatically uncover the piano.
- Okay.

♪

[Piano playing]

What is going on in here?

They're making me do the impossible...

not enjoy my cod.

Beverly, I told you
we're doing the Quaker hymn.

Just give it a chance.

Damn it, John.
Tell a story with your hips!

- I'm going down!
- [Ball screams]

- Ow, my leg!
- MR. WOODBURN: Oh, dang it.

Feel better, Earl.
Sorry about your dislocated leg.

Well, he's gone. Who's in charge now?

That'd be Vice Principal Davis.

But he took a leave of absence
to deal with family issues.

So who's after him?

I say we Thunderdome for it.

We're not all gonna fight you.

Not at once. I'm thinking round-robin.

Well, thankfully,
I have the William Penn charter

shrunken down to pocket size
for situations just like this.

- Oh, my.
- What's "Oh, my"?

Because I'm coming around
to this Thunderdome idea.

The line of succession is very clear...

principal, vice principal,

Quaker warden.

- Is that me?
- No, 'tis I.

And you know what that means?

[Laughs] We're doing "Fame"!

- No, I'm in charge. I get to say it.
- Oh.

We're doing "Fame"! [Laughs]

Desperate to prove to each other

that they still knew how to party,

Erica and Geoff got to planning.

Okay, so, what kind of
sick bash should this be

that we both definitely really want?

So bad. And big.

A big, bad one.

Like, with games.

Games, for sure.

Games would be...

one idea.

Not one that I would do.

Maybe something more college.
Right, Geoff?

Right. Something more college.

Water.

Milkshakes.

Beer. That's beer.

Yeah, like a few six-packs.

- [Grunts]
- -packs?

- [Grunts louder]
- six-packs.

That sounds perfect.

And a big guy. Santa!

Fun is always in season.

That's a keg. That's what I meant.

Oh, yeah. I was gonna say keg.

Like, one big old keg.

You'll need six kegs.

Sorry, I didn't know
how to indicate that.

If I know us and our many
beer-guzzling pals,

that's the right amount. [Laughs weakly]

- Speaking of, who should we invite?
- Bret Michaels.

How about a nice mix of
students and faculty?

Or maybe a random mix of everyone.

Get a band, too. A loud one.

Ooh, like a jazz trio.

You know what kind of music Erica loves?

- Heavy metal.
- Oh, yeah.

Big head-banger.

Studies have shown that heavy metal

can be damaging to your hearing.

- Geoff.
- Which is why we have four other senses.

You do rely on your nose a lot.

I do. I do. My old sniffer
really fills out the world.

Still feels like you've got to
kick it up a notch.

Like human bowling.

[Gasps] And axe-chucking.

- A foam room.
- Snake racing.

- Fire-breathing.
- Boxing, both regular and foxy.

- A foam room.
- You said that already.

- I'm repeating it for emphasis.
- Oh, okay.

Those all seem perfect
for the party I want.

Me, too. I guess I'll go tidy up

- and buy some axes.
- [Sighs]

Is it possible that we got carried away?

BARRY: Yeah. Nailed it again.

As Erica and Geoff wanted to prove

they were the greatest partiers alive,

the faculty wouldn't be
caught dead performing "Fame."

You can't seriously expect us to
get up on that stage, Beverly.

It's Acting Principal Beverly.

As such, I could easily have

your history class moved to room B .

The windowless basement?

I mean, who would even direct?

I've got someone with
an intimate knowledge of "Fame."

A bouncy little number

composed straight out of my body.

Your maestro has arrived!

The only thing I haven't done
in my storied career

at this school is direct a play.

Or do a single pull-up.

- Coach Mellor, chorus.
- Hmm!

In just three days, you'll be asking me,

"Why are they all staring?"

The answer is simple... "Fame."

And that weird little cane
you got, Goldberg.

- Mr. Perott, also chorus.
- Boom!

Anyone else want to test me?

I think you're doing a great job, Adam.

Glascott, male lead.

Yes! I earned it with my talent.

Now get some sleep,
you merry band of players,

for tomorrow, you tread my stage.

But we're all here now.

Tomorrow!

That's right, poopie. Keep 'em guessing.

That's great leadership.

- And so...
- Ow.

...I embraced the role of director.

Ow. Oh. Thanks.

Perhaps too much.

You are nothing.

But you are in luck,

because I am an overflowing fountain

ready to spill forth my skills upon you.

Yes! My baby's losing his mind

in service of my vision.

We must walk before we run.

Actor's calisthenics! Stretch.

Yeah, I worked those teachers
to the bone.

No, it's more like this!

I loved every second of it.

[Guitar and drums playing]

You're sitting together,

but you're miles apart.

[Cymbal crashes]

Again!

Oh, passé, Glascott. Passé!

No, no, no, no, no, no! Jazz hands!

You dance like no one is watching.

'Cause no one can watch!

The rehearsals got pretty brutal.

Again!

- But soon...
- Okay, we can do this.

...my teachers started to
find their voice.

"Fame" was actually coming together.

- Yes!
- What's this incredible high I'm feeling?

It's "Fame"!

♪

Yes!

♪

I...

didn't hate it.

[All cheering]

We have to stay friends after this!

Yes!

As the Senior-Sendoff came together,

my sister's party was popping off.

Sweet party.

D-Definitely an accurate number of kegs

in our modest living space.

And I like how our kitchen
is a mosh pit now.

- For sure.
- Very college.

And I saw the guys from Theta Beta

hucking our throw pillows
out the window.

I never should have told them
what they were called.

This is nuts!

A guy's got a whole merch table set up,

and I must be kinda drunk,

because I bought this hideous shirt.

That's mine, but totally cool.

The way I party, I have no use
for them anymore.

- [Laughs]
- Ooh.

Yep, neither Geoff nor Erica

- were gonna put a stop to this...
- Cheers.

...so the insane game
of chicken only got worse.

Okay, uh...

Seems like a good fight.
I'm gonna go this way.

- 'Scuse me.
- MAN: Aah!

Even though it was an awesome hang,

not everyone was loving it.

[Rock music playing]

Hey. What are you doing out here?

Oh, I thought somebody should
pick these up.

They were an engagement gift
from the Pasternaks.

Josh and Melinda are so thoughtful.

I kind of needed a minute, too.

But you wanted this party.

Me? I thought you did.

Are you kidding?

The lacrosse team's
doing kamikazes off my cello

and calling it "cello sh*ts."

It's extremely clever,
but also destructive.

I thought you needed me to be
the loose cannon to balance you out.

I thought it k*lled you that
Jean Jacobs and Tater

and everyone else
are doing college right

and we're just engaged and boring.

I thought it kills you

that the fun girl
that you chased forever

is a completely different person now.

- What?
- I don't know.

I don't know, either.

All I know is, this night
can't get any worse.

[Cheering]

Tater was right.
It didn't bounce at all.

While Erica and Geoff's bash
got way out of control,

the teachers couldn't
control their excitement

to show off their hard work
and perform "Fame."

Happy opening night, Mama.

Squishy! You shouldn't have!

Oh, [chuckles] these are for me.

One of the cast knows
how to treat their director.

Never stop playing the game.

I heard there's already
a line to get in.

See? Tonight's gonna go down
in school history.

Harrowing news, everyone.

I was minding my business
in the east hallway washroom,

and I overheard a sinister plot.

The seniors are going to, quote,

"rag on those goofy teachers
until they cry."

- No way.
- Yes, way.

Brian Corbett and Brian Walls
are gonna tear us apart.

The Brians? So popular and catty.

Oh, and it wasn't just them.

There was a stream of pupils
entering and exiting,

each one more mocking than the next.

Jason B., Xavier M.,
Rodney R., Jason B. again.

All of those people came in and out

while you were in the bathroom?

Yes. We are lambs for the slaughter.

I'm just concerned about

how long you were in the bathroom.

You went before we even broke for lunch.

I thought he left for the day.

We all have our own ways
of managing pre-show jitters.

I hope you at least brought a book.

Focus, people.
We're in real trouble here.

We can't sing or dance,

and look at these form-fitting costumes.

Way ahead of you.

- He's right.
- I look like a pastry bag.

What if a Brian thinks I'm lame?

- I'm outie.
- Me, too.

So that's it?

I'm sorry I wanted
to send these kids off

with something memorable
that shows how much

their faculty really cares about them.

♪

b*llet dodged.

Or maybe my mom is right.

Sure, some Brians
would have laughed a little,

but it would have meant a lot
to the rest of the seniors

to see you guys celebrate
their time here.

I know because I'm one of them.

Well, I'm still gonna get topless.

Helen, we were never doing
that part of the movie.

What movie?

After forcing the faculty
into "Fame" and failing,

my mom's dream for an epic

Teacher-Senior-Sendoff was dead.

Well, I hope you're ready for
a joyless Quaker hymn.

This one was written years ago

- to thank God for a bountiful harvest.
- [Car horns honking]

So just close your eyes
and imagine that wheat.

I know you're upset about
the whole teacher goodbye thing.

Damn it, why is Woodburn
blocking the drop-off line?

This day's never gonna start.

Hold on. Look.

Wait. [Gasps]

They're putting speakers
on top of the car

like that scene in "Fame"!

You know what, Beverly? You were right.

These seniors deserve

the greatest show of their lives.

So we're gonna embarrass
the hell out of ourselves.

Hit it!

["Fame" playing]

And they really were.

This is the magical moment
I've always wanted.

We're doing "Fame"!

♪ Fame ♪

♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly ♪

♪ High ♪

Check it.

The teachers are "Fame"-ing
in the parking lot.

My mind says "mock them,"
but my body says "join them."

ADULT ADAM: That day, the seniors got

the most memorable sendoff
we ever could have imagined.

Darn it! I know I said no to "Fame,"

but even my broken body
is feeling the rhythm.

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Baby, remember my name ♪

♪ Remember, remember,
remember, remember ♪

ADULT ADAM: With my mom's help,
a new tradition was born,

but, then again, shaking things up

doesn't always work out
the way you wanted.

Well, it's official.

Everything is either missing or broken.

For sure. And also, why are there

sheets on our bed that aren't ours?

So much destruction. So much mystery.

[Sighs]

Look, about what I said...

Sometimes I do wonder
if I'm missing out.

And sometimes I worry
that it's because of me.

No way. I love you,
and I love what we have.

But you were, like, this rock star

living a super-fun life.

- Don't you miss that?
- Are you kidding me?

If anything, I'd say
you're the rock star.

Yeah, I don't see that.

Geoff, you proposed to me in college.

That's badass, dude.

I guess we are blazing
our own trail, huh?

Totally.

And if we want to have more fun,

it doesn't have to involve
furniture flying out windows.

We could, like...

Get some beers,
do karaoke with our friends?

- I'd love that.
- Me, too.

♪

Wait, but what about this mess?

We're college kids.

We'll worry about it tomorrow.

Sometimes the choices we make
in our lives feel scary.

♪ Fame ♪

♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

ADULT ADAM: But when we
treat the people we love

with honesty and kindness,

- that's when you find the rhythm.
- ♪ I feel it coming together ♪

ADULT ADAM: 'Cause in the end,

we don't have to live forever

to make the most of the lives we got.

♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly ♪

♪ High ♪

♪ I feel it coming together ♪

- ♪ People will see me and cry ♪
- ♪ Pray ♪

And... the line of succession
is officially amended.

Amended to what, exactly?

It goes principal, VP,
secretary of admissions,

the district's athletic director,

our food services driver,

every member of our custodial staff,

the crossing guard with one arm,
bus driver Tim,

and the valedictorian from grade eight.

This all seems like a lot

to keep me from being in charge again.

And yet, it's just the right amount.