08x02 - Out with a Bang

[bunniefuu]

I gotta tell you, hotel living ain't all bad.

Yeah, especially when you're not paying for any of it.

Who are you judging? You're not paying for it either.

But I offered to. So did I.

But Vince knew how traumatized I was from burning down the house, didn't wanna make me feel worse.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yo. Yo.

Why you dressed like it's '04?

All my clothes b*rned up in the fire.

"Why are you dressed for a bisexual paintball tournament?" is a better question. Agreed.

Bisexual? This shirt is mad hetero.

Look at these pythons.

You can clearly see I'm hiding an eight-pack under it.

You haven't had an eight-pack to hide since the early '70s, Drama.

If then. Whatever.

How's baby bro? Baby bro could not be better, Johnny.

Good morning to all. Morning.

You sleep? Not a wink.

Weird shirt, Johnny. Really?

What have you got there, Vin? A script.

For what? Johnny's movie.

Nice. You wrote it?

I couldn't sleep. I just had to get it out.

It's only 20 pages. It's just an outline.

Whatever it is, I love the proactive effort.

I'm still the lead, right, bro? Of course you are.

Nice.

So how's it look? Your grammar's horrible.

Who cares? We were in the same classes It's just shocking to me you can't punctuate.

It was all stream of consciousness.

You can't really spell either, Vin.

"Faithful" is F-A-l-T-H-F-E-L.

It's O-L. No, it isn't.

So says you. Are you guys all illiterate?

Mrs. Carbone would sh**t herself if she heard this.

Who cares about my spelling or grammar?

That's not what this is about.

This is about a start. A good start to a great story.

We're gonna find you a great writer to help you flesh this thing out. I already found one.

In your room? I was thinking, since Billy did such a great job on Johnny's show, we should give him the first sh*t at this.

What do you think? I like it.

--I love it.

The guy knows my voice like Scorsese knows De Niro's.

--Sloan?

Wow, she must really want you to get your sh*t out of her place, huh?

I guess so. Hello?

Hey, Eric. Hey.

f*ck you!

What'd she say?

"f*ck you"? That's harsh.

Yeah, I'd say. Can somebody really be that mad about leftover socks and underwear? I don't know.

At least she called you. You still haven't gotten ahold of Alex?

One tequila ad and the girl thinks she's Angelina Jolie.

Well, maybe if you were a little more Brad Pitt, she'd share the spotlight with you. I don't want the spotlight.

I just want to talk to my girlfriend. It's tough adjusting to the attention she's getting. Give her a little more time, Turtle.

Yeah. And what do I do about Sloan?

Well, I'd get my sh*t out of there before she works herself up into an Elin Nordegren state. I'll go today.

Want me to roll with? I'm fine.

I'll just make sure she's not there.

Make sure to leave a mess. That'll show her not to talk to you like that.

Good thinking. I was gonna say jerk off on the bed.

Yeah, that's even a better idea, Turtle. All right, off to work.

Have fun, kids.

Still hard to believe he's got a job.

Good morning, Ari. Why are you lying in wait, Lloyd?

I had some things to tell you and wanted to be sure to catch you before you got distracted. Can it wait till I get to my office?

Well, there's two things. I can tell you one now and one when we get to your office. You pregnant?

I'd never carry a baby after all the hard work I've put into this body.

Speak. I had my breakfast meeting with Steven Levitan this morning. Congrats.

You gonna be the new gay on Modern Family?

No. I'm gonna be the new agent of one of the biggest showrunners in the business.

Very impressive. It's not a done deal.

Well, make it a done deal and I'll pay for the lipo so you can stop fretting about all that failed dieting.

Keep going.

Well, Mr. Levitan is concerned that this may not be the smartest place for him, seeing as how our TV department is kind of defunct.

Well, tell him it isn't. I'm not a good liar, Ari.

Truth is, it needs a new head and I'd like to be the one to re-funct it.

Is that the second thing? No.

Well, tell that to me and then I'll decide.

This one is harder to share. You've got 30 seconds!

My meeting was at Flay's. Did they take the Ari golden corn tamale off the menu?

No, it's still there. What?

Speak or I'll rip your tongue out and serve it to my son's lizard.

Your wife was there also.

My wife hates that place. I know.

That's why I found it strange. Jake!

Call Flay's and get Robert on the phone. Who was she with?

I didn't see anyone. And she left in a hurry. I don't think she saw me.

Wait, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna do what you should have done: find out who she was with. They said he's not there.

I want you to call any one of his 50 trillion restaurants and when you get him, get me. Where are you going?

I'm gonna take off. Clear my schedule.

Him too. You're coming with me.

Do you think that's wise given the state of the TV department?

I don't give a f*ck about the TV department.

All I care about is who convinced my wife to go to a restaurant she hates!

Well, if it isn't the balding Kentucky fried chicken.

You're pissing me off, Ronald! Why? What did I say?

You told me you had sex with my wife. Ruffy! I f*cking love this.

Kids, get out here!

You having fun with this, Billy?

I'm having the time of my life.

You and Johnny have amazing chemistry, probably more so than we did in Medellin.

Ah, just show it to him. Show me what?

Vince wrote a script.

What is it? A short?

Hey. Hey.

The producer's come to check on his workers.

Good to see you, Phil. What's going on, Eric? Vince.

Show's looking great.

Right, isn't it? Come on. Really funny.

Hey guys, let's call it for today. Almost a two-hour day.

God, I love this job!

Vince, what do you think? Your brother gonna be a star or what?

I'm loving what I'm seeing, Phil.

How you doing? Great.

Yeah. My brother had a meth problem.

It's been a tough road, but he's fighting the fight.

You ever need someone to talk to...

Thanks. You got it, bro.

Hey Phil, you like that scene?

Yeah, it looks great.

Hopefully, an audience will think so as well, huh?

Why wouldn't they?

I'm just saying. We're testing the show this afternoon.

Came by to let you guys know. Well, how are you feeling about it?

How am I feeling about what? The show, Phil.

I feel confident. Andrew, I feel confident.

You know what? Maybe I'm not as confident as you.

Can we come along, maybe see a real audience possibly laugh at this stuff?

That would make me feel more confident. What about you, Drama?

Come on, what happened to you, Andrew, huh?

This guy used to sell out arenas, just him and a mike.

Yeah, well, that was a long time ago and now you got me playing an orangutan.

Now look, we've all been humbled in this group here.

Well... But we will all prevail.

I hear that. All right. So is that a yes?

Can we come watch? Yeah, you guys can come.

And you... You can come too.

I'll see you later. I'll send everybody the address.

Later, Phil. You got it.

Jerkoff.

Is this exciting stuff or what?

We're gonna m*rder The Simpsons. It's gonna be great.

Yo, Christian! Hey, Drama!

Go f*ck yourself.

What the f*ck? What'd you do?

No clue. Drama, Drama, can I talk to you a second?

Guys, we'll be right there, okay? Just a walk.

What? What? No, no, no. No, I think it's really cute how you and the guys and your manager are like real buddies.

Yeah, we've known each other since we were little kids.

You trust him? He's like blood. Why?

My ex-wife made the deal for me on this show and since the split, I feel exposed, you know?

I mean, if something were to come down, I don't know if I'd have the faculties to deal with it.

I've been fired off of shows after test screenings.

Who hasn't? You think the little guy might take a meeting with me?

Yeah, of course. Of course. Like now?

E? Yeah?

Dice is looking for proper representation.

Yeah? Yeah. Would you be up for a little sit-down?

Yeah. Today?

Today? Or even sooner.

I can't do it today. He's gotta clear out all his stuff from his ex's.

Ah, I've been there too many times. Trust me.

My last ex incinerated all my stuff.

But my partner's at my office right now if you wanna sit down and talk to him.

That's a great idea. You'll love Scott. Oh, I get it.

I'm getting handed off already, but I appreciate it.

Not gettin' handed off. No, I appreciate it, really. Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey Alex, it's me again.

Things are good here, crazy busy, but like I said last night I b*rned Vince's house down, so maybe you wanna give me a call back?

Alex? Voicemail.

I saw her on TV last night.

On TV? Yeah.

At the Heat game, floor seats.

She was wearing her Avión t-shirt and she looked super hot.

I don't wanna get you jealous or anything, but I'm pretty sure Lebron winked at her.

I'm totes kidding.

Real funny.

Oh, is she having so much fun.

Oh, I talked to her last night?

She said Miami is beyond dope.

You talked to her? Yeah.

Really.

Is that okay?

Totes. You sure?

You seem kind of sad. Nah. No, I'm not sad.

I'm just trying to hold the fort down here, all right? So let's get back to work.

Sarah, Abby, you guys are hitting sunset in the promo van.

And Rachel, I need you hitting all the gyms and spas.

I want a line out the door tonight, all right? You got it.

All right, go! Abby, hold on? Yeah.

When you talked to Alex, did she sound okay? Anything weird? No.

You're totally being weird though.

No, I'm not. You're kinda dressed weird.

I was sitting there. Uh-huh.

I had the muesli and, okay, I had a chocolate scone, but I work hard and I deserve it. Where was she?

Over there. Was she alone?

I told you, she was just leaving.

Was there another place setting? I don't remember.

Focus, Lloyd. I'm trying, Ari, but this all has me very rattled.

Mr. Gold! How are you?

Uh, table for two? Actually no, James.

I have a question for you. Did you see my wife this morning?

Oh, I didn't work this morning. Uh, David did.

Is everything all right, Mr. Gold? Yeah.

David? Excuse me. Hey. Hi, how are you?

Good. Ah, and you too. Back for more?

Actually we're back 'cause I wanna ask you a question.

Did you serve a brunette, pretty, young-looking 40s, this morning?

Looks 32. Yeah, I know your wife.

She comes in every morning.

Really? Since when? Last few weeks at least.

Who did she come with? No one.

She sits alone. That's so sad.

I think she misses you, Ari, and she wants to see your name on the menu.

Anything else I can do for you? No, thank you.

He seems nice. He's an assh*le, Lloyd.

Hey Robbie.

Sorry I couldn't help but overhear, Mr. Gold, but if your wife is here alone every morning, I'm sure David is trying everything he can to get with her.

Yeah, my wife would not date that guy. Oh dear.

Rumor is he's already nailed three of the four Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Bravo couldn't air it because it was too racy.

But he seems so nice. He's a sociopath.

Probably why he's actually a good actor, unlike most of the waiters in this town.

He's testing for a huge arc on Mad Men today.

My wife would never date a f*cking waiter.

Some of us do have good hearts, Mr. Gold, despite our social standing.

So what's he saying? Nothing. He hasn't said a word in an hour.

It's only 20 pages. I don't know.

He's a deep thinker. Shh.

Did you find the watch? No, she probably sold it.

What the f*ck? I gotta go.

What the hell are you doing? I was, uh, looking for my watch.

In my underwear.

I was looking for other things too. What are you doing home from work?

I quit my job a few weeks ago.

Really? Really.

I got your message today.

I was returning your call from last night.

And you said "f*ck you" to me. That's what you said to me.

What? When? Last night.

I did not. Really?

f*ck you!

Sloan, that's me yelling at your answering machine.

I tried four times to leave a message.

That lady keeps cutting me off, asking me if I wanna listen to the message, replay the message... Whatever, Eric.

I don't give a sh*t. Here's your watch.

Wow, you were wearing it.

I paid for it.

Pleasure as always, Sloan.

Eric, I didn't mean that.

You really think I would say that to you?

That's sad, Sloan.

I would never say that to you. Please know that.

I just hate that we ended things with so much anger after everything we've been through together.

Me too.

Okay, so what's your biggest concern?

Getting f*cked. I've been f*cked a lot.

Hear that. Who has not been f*cked in this town?

Amen. Maybe I've been f*cked more than most, even him. I don't know about that.

Oh, really? I used to live on three acres in Beverly Hills.

Now I live in an apartment in Encino with my wife, my kids and a sick f*cking cat.

He's got you b*at, Drama. Maybe 'cause of the cat.

Look, I need somebody that's really gonna have my back.

I have your back, okay?

And you'll sign me just like that.

Absolutely. I've seen Johnny's Bananas.

And I think it's a massive hit.

I ain't gonna pay a dime on Bananas. Why would you?

I'm gonna get paid on the next thing and the next thing, Andrew, is Diceman's Big Comeback. Look at it.

Huh? Were you a fan?

Was I fan? I could recite your whole act when I was in high school.

Really? "Hickory dickory dock, "this chick was sucking my cock. The clock struck two, "I dropped my goo, and I dumped the bitch at the next block."

f*ck with me. I think my timing's a little better, but you know what? Let's do this. Come on.

Thank you really. Hey, thank you.

Billy... Shh.

--I like it!

Why can't you just say that?

Well, I wanted to say it in a way that'd make you feel good so that if I tell you what I don't like you'll still feel good.

I'm not that sensitive, Billy.

Vince, you've taken the blank page, you've put something down.

You now know what it is to have put yourself out there.

And if I were to tell you that it sucks, it would hurt.

Does it suck? Some of it sucks.

It does hurt. But I can fix it.

So fix it. Change whatever you want.

I will take nothing personally because this movie is not for me.

It's for Johnny. Amazing selflessness.

I'm gonna use some of that attitude for the yellow Lab's personality if that's okay. It's okay.

I've got Marci Sanders. Put her through.

Is she f*cking a waiter?

I don't know anything about anything.

Tell me she's not f*cking a waiter. Ari, you know I would never betray my sister.

Your sister and your parents betrayed you.

They cut you off financially because they think you're an unstable alcoholic... It's a matter of opinion.

...who will give all your money away to the first man that smiles at you.

I'm all you got. Is she f*cking a waiter?

I don't know if she's f*cking anybody!

Who's she seeing? Please. Please?

You owe me, Marci, all right?

There's no telling what will happen to those tuition checks if I lose my mind. Don't you thr*aten my children!

Lance is doing so well now. He actually got a C-minus in geometry.

Great. Maybe he's ready to get a job then.

All right, Ari.

Look, she said she's got some guy at a restaurant, but that she's too embarrassed to tell me about him.

And that's all I really know. Really.

Embarrassed?

Lloyd!

She's f*cking a waiter.

Yes, Ari.

Do you still wanna be head of the TV department?

I would let you pull out all my fingernails with pliers for the honor.

I want you to call over to the Mad Men offices.

I want you to get everyone from Matt Weiner to the PAs to treat that waiter like sh*t, humiliate him and send him packing.

I don't know if I can... If I see that kid on the Mad Men set, I'm gonna be a mad f*cking man, all right?

If I see him anywhere, even as a puss-faced zombie in The Walking Dead, I'm gonna sh**t someone in the head.

Get it done!

You didn't say anything? No. Neither of us did.

Did you say anything during? I don't remember.

What, did you tell her you love her? No.

Well, do you? Of course I love her.

I'll always love her. We were supposed to get married next month.

Yeah, no sh*t. My gift was non-refundable.

You know, we never even really officially broke up.

I mean, we basically had a massive fight and I left.

I think it was officially over when she canceled the catering and sent the ring back. Hey look, E, you're saving yourself a lot of heartache and a lot of money.

Marriage is for suckers. Dice, didn't you just get married?

Yeah, but I'm weak. So how did you leave it then?

We didn't. She just got up and left.

Wait, I thought... l thought you were at her place.

We were. She left her own house?

I love that. Yo, what did I miss?

E and Sloan got back together and then broke up again.

Really? Good, we'll all be single again

'cause I think I'm gonna break up with Alex too.

That is shocking.

Yeah, she's a good girl.

No, no, it's shocking that he could break up with anybody.

Ah. What happened?

She called Abby, but she hasn't called me.

Maybe she's gone lesbo and is too ashamed to tell you.

Who would be ashamed of that?

I really think she wants the fame more than me.

She's the Avión girl. Yeah.

Get the f*ck out of here. She's hot.

Yeah. How did you get her?

--I don't know, Dice.

And you banged Tony Soprano's daughter for awhile.

What, did you Google me? Yeah, I did. Guy must have a horse cock.

No, no, I've shared a locker room with him. it was...

--Phil!

--What's the word?

I got scores. Um... What? No good?

Through the roof. Yeah!

We air in three weeks and it cannot come sooner.

Hey, Scott Lavin. I represent Dice.

Lucky you. The guy's a star. I gotta get back.

Congratulations, Phil. Later, bro.

I knew it, I knew it. You did not.

You were nervous. No, I just don't count my chickens before they hatch. But now that they have, I am clear.

We are golden. We always were golden.

And hey, Drama, once I finish that movie, you might have two Emmy nods this year, huh?

Oh please God, please, please, please, I've suffered enough.

I deserve good things. They're coming, Johnny. They're coming.

Let's hit the bar. E and Turtle could use a drink.

Yes. No kidding.

Drama, can I talk to you a second?

We'll be right there. Just got to talk to Drama for a second.

I'll see you guys out there. What's up? Nothing.

You know, I gotta thank you for the gig.

Please. No. I was dead.

You asked them to look at me and they did.

That's 'cause I knew you would k*ll it. And you did.

Yeah, but um... But what?

But our deal sucks. They're paying us sh*t.

That's 'cause we had no leverage. Well, you know what?

I say we walk. Walk where?

Off the show. The show hasn't even aired yet.

Yeah, but we've already won. You heard Phil.

After they exploit our voices and sell 10 million of them f*cking monkeys without giving us a dime... You're f*cking with me, right?

No. You know what I say? We do the f*cking.

Me and you, Drama, we do the f*cking.

Let's talk to our people. You know what?

First we talk and then we walk.

Drama, we do the f*cking!

Good afternoon, TMA.

Please hold.

Ari's wife is here.

Really? Uh...

Okay, yeah. Thanks.

Ari, your wife's here.

Hello, hello! It's been too long.

I saw you peering at me from behind the latte machine this morning.

I know. I'm so sorry.

I just saw you. And I don't think I've ever not seen you two together, so I... l just wish you were together! I know, Lloyd.

Because you are like the perfect couple. Like Lady Di and Charles.

Lady Di and Charles got divorced and then she d*ed.

Now shut the f*ck up. I'm sorry. Bye-bye. My intentions are good.

All right, his intentions are good. What's going on?

Can we talk about this in your office, please?

Yeah, sure.

So... My sister is hysterical!

What? Why? She doesn't wanna be in the middle of this.

The middle of what? Ari, we are separated.

You need to stay out of my life.

Well, your separate life creeps into my life, all right?

You'd have to move to lowa for it not to.

As it is... Did you screw up David's audition at Mad Men?

David? You're actually seeing a f*cking waiter?

Would you really just randomly try and destroy someone's life?

A waiter who is f*cking my wife at a restaurant that I basically built is not random.

Did you really ruin his audition?

You know, I'm not gonna answer that until you do.

Ari, please! You need to let me live my life.

If there's any chance of us ever getting back together, I need to explore other things.

If there's any chance for us to get back together, you cannot be exploring a f*cking waiter!

It is humiliating! First of all, it is far less humiliating than the things that you've put me through over the years.

And second of all, I'm not dating David.

Then how do you know about this and why do you care?

Because I am dating someone who cares.

Who? His boss.

Bobby? Flay.

You're dating a cook? He's a chef, Ari.

And he's a businessman.

And he's kind and respectful and generous.

He's a redheaded fire crotch. He's a genetic mistake.

Jesus, Ari, you are such a child. I...

Hey, if you have any sense of decency, you will fix what you did to David.

Everyone hear my words:

Bobby Flay

which means he is yours.

Now if anyone eats or even recommends any one of that Boy Meets Grill f*ck's establishments, it will be agent meets fist!

Hey, Alex, I don't know if you remember me.

It's your boyfriend Turtle.

This is the last time I'm calling you.

So give me a call back, tell me why you're not calling me. Or don't.

Voicemail? Yep.

Did you talk to Sloan? Nope.

Maybe you should call up another girl, get your mind off her.

I just had sex with Sloan two hours ago. I'm not gonna call another girl.

Double-headers are the best. Yeah. Just shower.

No, f*ck that. I wouldn't even brush my teeth.

Just splash a little water on it. You're good to go.

I feel guilty, is all, all right? I feel like I took advantage of Sloan.

I'm not gonna call another girl to hang out.

Okay, guys, leave E alone. He's gonna get sad and then none of us get to go out. Thank you.

Turtle, will you grab that for me?

It's Sloan. Oy.

It's fate. No, it's not fate. it's nauseating.

Answer it. And say what?

Whatever you were gonna say.

Tell her you want her back.

Tell her thank you for the sex.

I'll do it, I'll do it. Give me the phone.

Hello? Hey.

Hey. I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? For leaving.

That's okay. I'm sorry too.

I hope I didn't confuse things. No, E, I'm not confused.

It's all good. I still feel bad though.

I don't know. I feel like maybe I should buy you dinner or something.

No.

Really. it was nice to, um, see you again.

I feel like I needed some closure.

Yeah. I wanted to tell you, but we got distracted.

Yeah.

I quit my job because I'm moving to New York.

Oh. But I'm happy.

Well, that's good.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Thank you. Good luck here too, E.

Thanks. Okay. So maybe we will talk again soon.

Yeah, I hope so.

Bye.

What happened? Are you all right?

Yeah. it's all good. Sloan is moving to New York.

Wow.

Poor guy must f*ck like dogshit.