08x03 - One Last sh*t

[bunniefuu]

Hi, my name is Vince and I'm a drug addict.

Hi, Vince.

It's been three and a half months since I've last used and I'm doing okay.

The key for me has been keeping my mind busy, trying new things.

In fact, I just finished writing my first screenplay.

--Good for you.

Relax, it sucked.

But we'll see if I can find someone to produce it.

Does anyone know anybody?

I do. Hey.

Turtle.

Yo. Why'd you walk out?

Some of the people in there were freaking me out.

I didn't realize there'd be so much sharing.

That's what helps, knowing that other people are going through the same things you did.

I don't know how much you can relate to the girl who blew her brother for an 8-ball, but I hear you.

More importantly, did you see who was in there? No.

Hey, Vince! Him.

Who's that? Carl Ertz.

The douchebag that f*cked us over on Danger Beach?

Yup. But in the program we learn to make amends.

Hey, Vince. How are you? I'm doing good, Carl.

I was just telling my buddy over here how the program got me to let go of all my anger towards you.

Oh, that's good.

I'm not in the program so I still think you're a douche.

Look, Vince.

I f*cked you out of a movie once upon a time.

A thousand apologies for that.

I make no excuses, but those were in my heavily drug-infused days.

And if it's any consolation DangerBeach did $3 million on 3,000 screens.

Ooh, karma is a bitch. Turtle.

Let it go. it's all good.

Look, Vince, I'd love another sh*t at working together.

Your script sounded amazing.

I didn't tell you anything about it.

Working with you would be amazing.

It's not for me to star in. No?

It's for my brother Johnny. Oh.

Is it a feature? No, it's a TV movie.

Then I really am your guy. I made 15 of those last year.

Including The Menendez Brothers at 40, which got nominated for a Peabody.

Look, Vince, would you send me the script?

Please, I will get it done, whatever it is.

It'll be my official apology.

I'll send you the script. We'll go from there.

Great. I'm going to get some ice cream.

Why would you send that jerkoff the script?

It seems like he's trying. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

Drama.

Drama!

Yo. You look awful.

Of course I do. I haven't slept in days. Dice won't let me.

You should get separate beds. Funny.

Just tell Dice that definitively you're not walking off the show.

It doesn't matter what I tell him.

He just keeps coming like the Terminator.

Was this guy's deal really that bad? Yes.

Andrew Dice Clay is almost paying the network to allow him to come to work.

Oh, come on. I swear to God.

Big Brothercontestants get paid more.

Well, it's not exactly like I'm getting rich off this either, E.

I got you 15 grand an episode to sit in an air-conditioned voice-over booth for three hours a week. You feel underpaid?

Dice tells me the guy who does Homer Simpson is getting paid 650 G's an episode to do the same thing.

Yeah, they're in Season 23.

You haven't even aired episode one yet.

Listen, E, I think there could be more.

Yeah, when the show airs.

Well, this guy is driving me f*cking crazy, okay?

Dice is coming after me just like he's coming after him, all right?

I think if we all get on the same page, maybe there could be something.

By walking? No, by calling.

Asking nicely.

Coming to a reasonable 20 kittens an episode each.

Yes, please.

Tell them I'll donate 10% to charity.

All right, you know what? Fine.

I'll make the stupidest f*cking phone call I've ever made.

I will talk to Phil reasonably.

I will ask him nicely if he thinks you're underpaid.

And if he's willing to talk to the network, fine.

If not, we're done. Agreed?

Yes, agreed. Thank you, E.

I mean this sincerely, Vince.

I would hack off my penis before I would ever allow you to work with Carl Ertz again.

Don't be extreme, Ari. I am being mild.

The guy is a menace and we do not need him.

I thought I'd get this kind of response from E, not you.

Listen, this may be the first time I ever agree with E.

You know you're the guy who put me with Ertz in the first place, right?

Yes, that's before I knew what he was.

Really? And what is he? He is an addict.

And what am I?

You are the good kind of addict.

You're the I-got-messed-up- with-the-wrong-girl- and-ended-up-on-a-blow-bender addict.

Ertz is the skeevy-old-man-who- got-caught-with-a-cr*ck-pipe- and-the-17-year-old-from-Speed Raceraddict.

Michael Vick drowned puppies and they let him play again.

Well, Ertz does not have Vick's arm strength.

Why do you want to work with this guy? Tell me.

Because I do believe in second chances.

I've had more than that myself.

That is why it is my job to protect you from damaging yourself again.

You're not protecting me.

You're not doing anything. Vinnie.

I told you how important this was for me to make this happen for Johnny.

Yeah. You're not motivated.

Untrue. I'm highly motivated. Really?

Watch this. Lloyd!

Let's talk to the head of the TV department.

Lloyd's the head of the TV department?

The interim head.

Until he fucks up, and then he's back to pushing a mail cart.

Yes, Ari? Hello, Vince. Hey, Lloyd.

Tell Vinnie what I told you to work on for him.

I don't know. Are you joking?

I don't think so. The movie for Drama.

What movie? I don't know anything about this.

Are you joking? I don't think so.

Jesus Christ, Lloyd.

I sent you a f*cking e-mail.

I meant to send you an e-mail.

Ari. I'm sorry.

He's distracted. it's the separation, Vince.

He'll never admit it, but it's weighing on him.

I thought you guys were trying to get back together.

The Mrs. Gold, she's seeing a prominent restaurateur.

Shut the f*ck up, Lloyd.

It's Vince. He's family.

Ari, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

It's no excuse, all right? I still should have done my job.

No, forget about that. Maybe you need to get out.

What, to even the score?

No, to live yourself. It's been almost four months.

He's scared, Vince. I'm scared?

Ari, it's been a while since you've been with another woman.

It's natural. I'm not scared.

I'm scared for the town.

'Cause once I go out, women will fall and men will start wailing.

You do not want to compete against me for ass, Vinnie.

Ha. I welcome the challenge.

I told him I have someone for him.

I told him I'm not turning gay.

We would never have you, Ari.

Look, Vince. She's the niece of my hairstylist.

Oh, she's sexy.

What did you say she does again?

She's an award-winning manicurist.

I say you go for it.

Make the call, Lloyd.

Oh, goody. I'm so happy.

And send Ertz an e-mail.

Chase, Walsh and Ertz present an all-addict production.

You tell him if he doesn't deliver I'm gonna excommunicate him from this entire town.

Done deal.

So did you just come to California to see me?

No, I'm doing Today LA tomorrow.

Seriously?

Jillian Reynolds is letting me make pollo Avión live on television.

That's incredible.

Everything for our tequila has been incredible, Turtle.

And I have you to thank for a lot of it.

I appreciate that.

This is a small token of my appreciation.

Whoa. A gold watch?

Yes. You like? I love it.

You know, in the U.S., they usually give someone a gold watch when they're retiring.

Am I retiring? The other reason I'm here is the largest distribution company in the States wants to handle our product.

What does that mean?

It means we're taking Avión to the next level.

It means you no longer need to work.

Now you can just sit back and watch myself and Mark Cuban make your stock grow.

Yeah, but I like working.

I like doing the tastings and I like doing the parties.

And the parties have been great. And your idea of putting Alex on the posters and the billboards was ingenious.

But this distribution company has a reach you could never have.

Did Alex know?

Is this why she's been dodging my calls?

Among other reasons.

What other reasons?

Alex has met someone.

Oh, so she told you to tell me?

She said if it came up. Yeah.

First, you're retiring me, and then you're breaking up with me for Alex?

I'm sorry, Turtle.

Are you out of your f*cking mind, Eric?

What is it that you would like me to say, huh?

"Hi, CBS. I know you're taking a huge chance

"scheduling a prime time animated sitcom starring somebody

"that nobody's ever heard of and somebody else

"that nobody's wanted to hear from in like two f*cking decades, "but both those guys feel

"that even though not one single f*cking person

"has watched the show that they're underpaid"?

People have seen the test... Shh!

Is that Drama? Yeah, he just walked in.

Who the f*ck is that? Scott Lavin.

Is this how you guys operate over there?

People covering up their mouths with their hands so I don't hear them breathing?

No one's covering up their mouths, Phil.

Is Dice there, too? No, Phil. We're not crazy.

Well, Johnny, do yourself a favor and don't let anybody cover up your ears so you can hear this: Hey, dumb f*ck, was this your idea?

It was Dice's idea. He's putting crazy things in my head.

Well, remind Dice that when we cast him two months ago he was doing standup in a f*cking bowling alley.

He doesn't care. Well, you'd better care, Johnny, because if you allow him or anyone else to f*ck this up, you're bananas.

Go to Dice and tell him that you don't get a raise because you test well.

Maybe remind him about a show called Concrete Heat that I produced and you starred in in 1994 and that tested through the f*cking moon.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

You remember how long it lasted? One week.

Many people thought it was canceled in the second half-hour.

That's because they put us up against f*cking Seinfeld.

Drama, I know that doing a voiceover is not what you want.

I know that you want to get that precious face of yours back in front of the camera.

This will lead to all of that if you're smart.

So be smart and make sure that crazy f*ck is, too, or he will bury us all.

So what are you thinking about?

I'm not sure. I'm not really hungry.

You have a big lunch?

No, I had an early dinner.

Why'd you do that if you knew I was getting you?

I didn't know you were taking me to dinner.

What did you think when I asked you out?

I don't know.

I haven't had a dinner date in, well, ever.

What do you usually do on dates?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have said.

No, it's okay.

You know, it's just that I haven't been on many dates in... In a... In a long time.

Yeah, Lloyd said you've been married for like 40 years.

Nineteen years, but who's counting?

That must be hard. My parents just got divorced after 20.

I don't think we're getting divorced.

Oh, I didn't mean...

Although we just might be.

It's none of my business. No, it's fine.

I probably am getting divorced.

And even if I'm not, let's have a good time. Right? Okay?

You want to do sh*ts?

sh*ts? I think it'll loosen you up.

I need to be loose.

I am the incredibly tight 116-year-old man.

I apologize. It's okay.

We're gonna have a good time.

It just might take a moment or two to get there.

Turtle, hey.

Want to go to a movie? No.

Want to eat? Nah.

Want to do anything? Not really.

I'm cool, Vin. Come on, Turtle.

I'll cheer you up.

You know, I don't even know if I'm more upset about losing my girl or losing what I do.

I know Alex probably wasn't the one, but Avión was supposed to be my thing.

You'll find another thing.

Come on, what do you want to do?

Come on, Vin. You know I want my own business.

Do you have any ideas?

Actually, I do.

I'm listening.

When's the last time you had great baked clams?

Don Peppe's. I want to bring them out here, get some of the Yanks and the Knicks who eat there involved.

That's a great idea. I already spoke to them about it.

All they need is the money. Do you have the money?

If I sell my stock in Avión I'd have some.

I'll sell, too. Really?

Yeah, I can't really be involved in a liquor company right now anyway.

I'll help with the restaurant, too.

Whatever I do, Vin, I want to do on my own.

Understood. You'll be fine, Turtle.

I'm proud of you.

Wait till I'm successful before you say that.

Either way I'm proud. Hello?

Hey, it's Carl. Hey, Carl.

How you doing? Listen, I just had non-alcoholic drinks with Les Moonves.

Yeah? CBS is in.

Really? Really, baby.

You told them about Johnny? Vince, they're all in.

They're all in. I can't believe it.

Believe it. Let's get together tomorrow and talk details.

Sound good? Sounds great.

All right, have a good night.

Wow, I cannot believe Andrew Dice Clay lives here.

I can't believe anyone lives here. Don't make fun of the place.

Dice sort of fancies himself an interior decorator.

What, you don't like the music? Call the cops.

Dice, it's Drama! Open up!

What? It's Drama.

Drama? Yeah.

Look at this, a house call. Hey.

What's up, Dice? You tell me. Come on in.

Come on.

How's it going? Excuse the noise.

My son Max just joined a new band. He's got to practice.

He sounds good. All right, great. Let's cut to it.

So where are we in terms of getting us paid properly?

Well, it's not happening.

It's not? No.

Who said? We spoke to Phil.

Did you tell Phil it is happening or that his little monkey show isn't happening?

Did you tell him that?

No, we didn't really get to that part.

Oh, no? Why not?

You know, as a manager, sometimes we have to go on our instincts, and after talking to Phil... After talking to Phil what?

After talking to Phil we think it's a bad idea, Dice.

Oh, yeah? And what about you, Drama? What do you think?

Well...

Well what? You going p*ssy soft on me?

No, I'm not going p*ssy soft.

No one's going... ls there any way that we can ask him to stop the drums just for a second?

Didn't I say he's got to practice?

Didn't I say that? It's okay, Dad, I'm done.

Don't be done on their account. No, it's all good.

All right, do me a favor. Why don't you grab us something to eat, okay?

Okay. Come here. I love you.

I'm coming right back, Dad. All right, go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

You have no idea what I've gone through to raise my boys with f*cking courtrooms and mediators and f*cking attorneys sucking the life out... f*ck!

Yeah, I know. it's tough.

Yeah, it's tough. But so am I.

And I've been thinking about this for three days.

And if they're not paying, I'm walking.

What about you? Dice.

A lot harder decision considering you're getting what, double what I'm making?

I didn't make this deal.

What do I look like, a f*cking assh*le to you, huh?

You wear a Viking hat, I sell out the Garden and win Grammys and you get twice the f*cking dough?

He's not getting twice the dough. I'm not?

Bottom line is we're both underpaid.

I spoke to Homer f*cking Simpson.

Dice, the show hasn't even aired yet. Doesn't matter.

It's a hit. I know it and they know it.

And when the show's a hit we'll all renegotiate.

After what? After they make millions off the f*cking monkey merchandise?

I say we move now. I'm telling you. Well, I disagree.

Good thing is you passed me on to him, so I don't care what you think.

I disagree, too. Really? Then you're fired.

Come on, man.

No, no, didn't I tell you in your office?

Nobody fucks with Dice. Dice does the f*cking.

We just need you to think about the big picture.

We need you to think long-term. Long-term?

Let me tell you something, I was starring in movies while you were still sitting on the bottom of your daddy's nutsack.

Look, Dice, the bottom line is they're gonna fire you if you do this.

Both of us?

Well, he's not doing it so he's not gonna get fired.

He's not doing it? What, are you gonna go against me, Drama?

I got you this job. I know, and I appreciate it.

But unlike you, I don't know if a cartoon is gonna resurrect my career.

Come on, Dice. No. You know what?

Let me know what you're doing, and I'll personally let f*cking Phil know what the f*ck I'm doing.

That's it, seriously. You guys got to go.

This kind of tension upsets my cat.

Really, come on.

You want to come up? I guess, yeah.

I don't know. Do you want me to?

Yeah, I want you to. Okay.

Do you have a condom?

I haven't used one since the mid-'80s.

I don't think I have any.

Oh, that's not good.

We could go to 7-Eleven.

Or no, I'll just ask my roommate.

You have a roommate?

Yeah, but he won't care if I take one.

That's good. Okay, is he home?

Yes. All right.

Which is why you're going to have to f*ck me very quietly.

--What the f*ck?

Donnie!

Oh, my God, Katie.

I scared the sh*t out of you. Yeah, so not funny.

How you doing? Okay.

Okay.

I'm going out. Is your door open?

Yeah, but don't even think about ripping another condom from me.

Seriously. Later, dude.

Come on. You know, I'm gonna go.

No, really? Yeah.

I'll call you, though. Okay.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I had fun. You're cute.

You'll get your groove back.

Stella did, right? Who?

It doesn't matter.

Call me. Okay.

She moves me, man Honey, and I don't see how it's done...

Hello? Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm feeling lonely and I didn't know who else to call.

Any chance you're not busy and want to see me?

Oh, Ari. Listen, only if you're bored.

Are you drunk? No, I'm lonely.

And I just wanted someone smart and mature to talk to and Warren Buffett wouldn't take my call.

Come to my house for a drink.

Butjust a drink.

Don't worry, Dana, I don't even have a condom.

That's great, Ari.

I'll see you soon.

Well, I'm a king bee Buzzin' around your hive

Hey, Vince, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I'll be down in a minute. It's okay. I'm good.

I do have to get going soon, though.

Thirty seconds.

I'm just looking to do my own thing, Mark.

I've got to tell you, it would really hurt to lose you, Turtle.

You've been a tremendous asset to this company.

You think? No, not really.

But I like you and you did bring me Avión.

I'd hate for you to miss out if I take this thing public.

I appreciate that, Mark.

But I got another opportunity and I could really use the money now.

How much money do you need? It's small, Mark.

Nothing you'd be interested in. Okay, maybe next time.

Anyways, have your guys call my guys, they'll get you out.

Thanks. You take care of yourself, okay?

Bye.

We're out.

What did we make? I'm gonna make about 300k.

You're gonna make almost a million. Wow.

For doing nothing? You did good.

Yeah, just have Marvin call Mark's guys and handle the paperwork and we're done.

Will do.

How much longer are we gonna sit here, Vin?

Not much longer.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, man.

There he is. There he is.

Carl. Boys, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting like this.

My daughter, she's at school at the Lyceum Alpinum in Switzerland and the f*cking headmaster is talking about sh**ting a f*cking movie there.

What am I gonna say? He controls her grade point average so I listen.

You know? You know? Yeah.

Come on, sit down. Sit, please, sit.

Welcome.

My assistant found you. it's awesome.

So are you pumped?

Come on, are you pumped?

I mean we're dream weavers, Vince.

Gonna turn that brother of yours into the star you always knew he could be.

Yeah, I love it. So what's next?

I've got an aside. An aside?

An aside.

I did for you, now will you do for me?

Do what for you, Carl? This is f*cking genius, man.

You would be so genius in this.

Carl, relax. I can't when I'm talking art, babe.

I mean, wait till you read this f*cking thing. It is f*cking brilliant.

You know what it is? It's the Falling Down for the next generation.

Michael f*cking Douglas. I knew this guy had other motives.

All right, hold on, Turtle. Turtle, just hold on.

Here. Taxman?

Yeah, man, m*therf*cking Taxman.

I mean, it is so now. Am I right?

I can see the f*cking one sheet.

You, right, you... You're kind of like towards camera.

Your tie, it's all loose around your neck.

You got a briefcase in one hand, sawed-off shotgun in the other.

There's that IRS building behind you with an ominous orange sky just shining down.

And the tagline reads, "Death. And taxes.

"Vincent Chase is the Taxman."

Don't say anything now. Just read it. it's my gift.

I'll say something. That's the dumbest f*cking idea I've ever heard.

And more importantly, you're completely full of sh*t.

Stop. Stop, I'm serious. I've had it with this guy.

Do me a favor, walk outside for five minutes.

Take a walk? Five minutes.

All right.

Vince, this is no bullshit. Carl.

Carl, is this why you're doing the thing for my brother?

To get me to do this? No, no.

Please, I'm doing the other thing because you needed it. And I need this.

I don't need you to sell a Movie of the Week to CBS for me, Carl.

I know. I know.

I need you. Oh, f*ck me.

This is where I'm at, man. f*ck.

Did you take something today? No, no.

I haven't used in three f*cking years.

You know, I'm sorry. I'm so f*cking sorry, man.

I shouldn't have done this.

I'm an assh*le. I didn't mean to play you.

I mean I had the script, right, and I knew you were coming over.

I thought you might... f*ck. f*ck!

Come on, Carl. Are you high?

Yeah, I'm f*cking high. f*ck, yeah, I'm high.

f*ck, yeah. What are you gonna do?

You gonna f*cking judge me? You gonna rat me out?

Call my f*cking sponsor. Go ahead, call my f*cking sponsor.

Carl, let's sit down. No, get the f*ck out of my house.

Carl. Out of my house. I'm sorry.

I don't f*cking mean that. Just take a seat, man.

I'm sitting. I'm right here, Carl.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go now and just clean up a little bit.

I'm sorry. Okay.

I'll be right here.

Vince, what the f*ck? Turtle, you go.

We both should go. The guy's high as a kite.

I know, that's why I can't just leave him right now.

You go. f*ck that.

If you're staying, I'm staying.

Carl Ertz? And he doesn't tell me?

Well, he didn't think it was gonna amount to too much anyway.

He didn't want you giving him a hard time about it.

That's great.

You hear from Dice? Yeah.

Yeah, I sure did. He's not coming.

This guy's insane. So what do we do?

I already replaced him.

You're kidding. With who?

Him. Who's he?

He's a guy who sucks, who was forced down my throat against my wishes.

And he's doing a bad Dice impression.

He's good. He's very, very good.

He sucks. And now the show sucks.

And I hate everyone.

You sure this is the right move, Phil?

Well, you know, Dice couldn't be convinced to be here.

So it's the only move.

Look out, world.

Here comes the balding Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Oh!

You're pissing me off, Ronald.

I'm f*cked. 'Cause you told me our relationship suffered from a lack of honesty.

I'm mending fences. Hey.

What am I gonna do?

Your job. We'll go from there.

He's right. Hey, where you going?

I'm gonna call Ari.

Ruffy!

Hey, Johnny, you start talking dirty I might have to pay for the session.

OH!

I was trying to remember the last time.

September 1992.

You do not remember.

Of course I do. Are you kidding me?

How do you remember?

Because you said it was go time, "Marry me or walk."

And you walked.

I ran, if I remember.

But I regretted it.

Well, I'm 40 and not married.

So I guess I regret it, too.

Brought back a lot of good memories.

Yeah, but it's just a one-time thing.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm.

--Don't you dare get that.

It's yours. Mine? Oh, my God!

--Yeah?

You f*cking knew about Carl Ertz and you didn't tell me?

It was Vince's place to tell you, not mine.

But you said it was okay.

No, I didn't and it's not.

Got an e-mail last night from Les Moonves.

Ertz is basically saying that Vinnie will do a small role if Moonves makes the movie.

So did you call Vince?

I've been stuck in meetings.

Oh, that's great, Ari. 'Cause he's at Ertz's right now.

I'll call him. f*ck that, I'll call him.

Carl, open the f*cking door.

Oh!

I f*cked up, Vince.

I'm sorry, man. I f*cked up, you know?

I f*cked you today. And I f*cked my wife.

Well, I didn't f*ck my wife

'cause she won't let me f*ck her, you know, but...

My kids and the program...

Just go away. I'm not worth it.

I'm not worth it, man.

You didn't f*ck me, Carl. Come on.

Just open the door, come out and we'll talk about it.

No, can't look you in the face, Vince.

I can't look you in the face!

I can't look myself in the face.

Carl.

Vinnie, just go. Just go.

E, I can't talk right now.

Do you not want me to be your manager anymore?

What? You're taking meetings with lowlife f*cking scumbag producers and you don't tell me?

E, I can't deal with this right now.

What, you're still there?

Yeah, I'm dealing with something, but it's all good.

No, it's not all good, Vince, all right?

The guy's a crackpot. Do you know that Moonves just emailed Ari Ertz told him you're gonna do a role in a movie?

Jesus. Yeah, get the f*ck out of there.

I can't just leave him like this.

Vin, we should go. Come on, this is nuts.

E, hold on. Carl, come on.

Open the door. Seriously, come on. I can't leave you like this.

All right, now you're being selfish.

Carl.

Carl!

--Whoa!

What the f*ck was that?

Oh, my God. Vince.

Vince!