07x09 - Teresa Moves In

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, yeah, it still is.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Edith!
Good-bye.

Hey, Edith...
Archie!

Edith, I wanna
show you something sad

and a little bit stupid.

Look at this thing.
Empty.

Marvin the Mouse
escaped again.

See, this thing ain't
strong enough for him.

That only scratches his back
while he's eating.

Maybe it's the bait.

What do you use?
Velveeta.

You can't use a high-class,
delicate cheese like that.

You've got to use
something that stinks.

Stinks, Edith, see?

I'm trying to k*ll the mices,
you're trying to give them
gor-mets dinners here.

Come on in the kitchen,
I'll find a nice,
juicy hunk of garbage.

Archie, guess what.
The hospital...

I don't want
to guess nothing, Edith.

The hospital placement
service just called.

What become
of the garbage?

Well, I put it out.

Why did you do that?

'Cause I didn't want it
to smell.

That's when garbage
is perfect, Edith.

Archie, the hospital
is sending somebody over
to rent the room!

Oh, now, now, wait,
I think I changed my mind
about that, Edith.

I don't want
to rent that room.

In the hospital you thought
it was a good idea,

so we could pay some
of our bills.

That was in the hospital.

I was full up with pills
and enemas.

I didn't know whether
I was coming or going.

Ain't you got nothing
rotten in here?

You used to have always
two or three little wrapped-up
bags of moldy stuff.

I cleaned it out yesterday.

Couldn't you leave
a little bit of poison
for Marvin, huh?

We gotta get that mouse.

Don't you know, mices
is dangerous animals.

Oh, no,
they ain't dangerous.

And Marvin is so cute.

What are you talking about,
they ain't dangerous?

You know your biggest animal
in the world, your elephant,

he's going around
eating his peanuts,

a mouse comes along,
he's scared to death.

I never believed that.

It certainly is true,
'cause the mices
run up his trunk.

Oh...

Why would a mouse do that?

To grab away his nuts!

Archie, we gotta
rent that room.

Remember, you were
out of work for five weeks.

Oh, Edith, I don't want
no strangers in the house.

The strangers make
strange noises, there,

and between you, me,
and Marvin the Mouse,

we got strange noises
enough.

What are you shoving
a cup at me for?
I got a cup.

Some people is very quiet.

Uhhh...! The quiet ones
are the worst ones of all.

You never know
what the hell they're up to.

Besides, I don't want
to share a bathroom
with a stranger.

You go in there,
the soap is in the dish,

you know somebody used it,
but you never know where.

Maybe he'd bring
his own soap.

Yeah, but maybe
he'd like mine better.

Suppose he's one
of them long-haired jerks.

Then there's hair
on the soap,

hair on the soap dish,
hair on the floor

hair on the sink,
there's hair all
over the place.

The place looks like
a bunch of beavers was
"hibermating" there.

Well, a nice young
medical student.

Oh, medical students,
the worst of all.

Do you know what them guys
bring home for homework?

Pieces of bodies and old bones.

Wouldn't that be swell?

To see some kid walking
in here with a little bag
of toes?

Yeah, but think
of the money.

We could get $100
a month for that room.

Come on, Edith. Never.

Oh, yeah.

Nah. Yeah?
Yeah.

A hundred dollars?

A month.

Times 12 months...

that's nearly $1,000 a year.

I think it'd be more.

Maybe you're right.

But, Edith, look...

use a little of
your horse's sense, there.

You don't want a guy
bringing girls home,

sneaking 'em in
and smuggle 'em
up the stairs.

Now, you don't want
a guy like that.

Suppose the guy is a girl.

You wouldn't want
that neither, Edith.

I mean suppose
the person that's
coming from the hospital

is a nice girl.

Well, all right,
a nice girl,

but we don't want
one of them real pretty ones,

attracting all
the boyfriends around.

That's nothing
but trouble there.

Get a homely one,
you know?

One of the skinny ones
with the flat chest
and the big feet.

Some girl who don't want
nothing more out of life
except to work hard

and pay the rent here.

Ask for referendums, see?

There he goes!
He ran right over my shoe!

He's gone
under the stove, Edith!

All right, keep him in there,
and I'll get the broom

and k*ll him with the broom.

No, not the broom!

I gotta k*ll him, Edith!

I guess little Marvin
got away.

I wouldn't be
surprised, Edith.

What the hell kind
of housekeeping is that?

How come a broom is
propping up a shelf
with junk?

Because you put it there
when I asked you--

Never mind, never mind,
never mind.

I've got something
important to do.

I'm gonna run over there
to Barney Hefner's.

He's got one of them
big traps with a spring
and steel jaws,

It comes down
and cut the head right off.

And if it misses the head,
it'll mash the rest
of him anyhow.

Archie, I don't want
little Marvin to die
like that.

How the hell do you
want him to die?
In your arms?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm coming!

Oh, Marvin,
you better hide good.

Archie's going out
and getting you a trap
that'll smash you.

Oh, hi.

Hi, how do you do?

Do you have a room
for rent?
Yeah.

Come on in.

Don't I know you?

Oh, you're the lady
that's the admittance girl
at the hospital.

Yes, I'm Teresa Betancourt.

You're Mrs. Bonkers!

Yeah. But you
can call me Edith.

Come on, sit down.
Thank you.

I was the one who checked
your husband in for his
gall bladder operation.

That's right.
Oh, everybody was
so nice to us.

And all the nurses
used to say two prayers
a day for Mr. Bonkers.

Wasn't that lovely of them?

Two prayers.

Yes, one to get well,
and one to go home.

I only just need the room
for about a month

while I take my X-Ray
technician examination.

And this is so close
to the hospital,

and besides, it'll keep me
away from a man who hates me.

Oh, my, who could hate you?

My boyfriend,
who loves me.

How can he hate you
if he loves you?

I don't know.
I do this to men
all the time.

They hate me and love me
like hell.

Any time I talk to a man,
Hector starts screaming!

Worse than your husband
screaming in the hospital.

What is your husband
gonna scream

when he finds out

you have a Puerto Rican
in the house?

Oh, don't worry
about Archie.

His bark is worse
than his bite.

I don't worry
about his bark,

but one bite
and I bite him back.

How much is the room?

A hundred dollars
a month.

Is that all right?

Oh, yes.

Can I pay you
an extra $25 a month
so I can have breakfast?

I was gonna give you
breakfast anyway.

You can't go to work
on an empty stomach.

Oh, you so nice,
but no, no, no.

I want to pay.
Okay, here you go.

Oh, thank you.

I hope you're gonna
like it here.

Oh, Mrs. Bonkers,
this house is a palace.

Really?

To me it is.

Oh, well there's
a new bed upstairs.

Mike and Gloria broke
the other one.

And the mattress is
the same kind

that Joey Heatherton
jumps on on TV.

No!
Come on,
I'll show it to you.

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!

Edith, I'm home.

Wait till you see
what I got here
from Barney.

This is what we should've
had in the first place.

You see that?
That!

That'd snap the head
off of a big dog.

That's awful.

What do you mean awful?
This is terrific, here.

This is Teresa Betancourt.

How do you do?
It's a "pressure" to see
you again, Mr. Bonkers.

Ohh...! Uh...

Are you the Puerto Rican girl
from the hospital

that told me "chut up"?

What's she doing here?

She's gonna be
our new boarder.

Oh, no, no, she ain't
gonna be that, Edith.

No, no, she can't be,
'cause I already promised
the room to somebody else.

Archie.

You remember me
tellin' ya about

the guy down at work
that wanted the room?

No, you never
told me.

Well, I told you,
even if you forgot--

It's true, Edith.

It's true there, sis,
I swear to God.

[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT]
Ow, jeez!

[SCREAMS]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
FROM UPSTAIRS]

Oh, sheesh...

Always with
the Puerto Rican music.

I had to tell her
yesterday to turn it off,

put on something American--
she wouldn't do it.

Oh, yes, she did.
She put on rock and roll.

Now, what the hell is
American about that--

"Bluebird of happiness
flies up your nose."

Daddy, I like
rock and roll music,

and I like Teresa's music too.

What's the matter
with you tonight?

Now, why don't you
eat your dinner?
It's delicious!

Listen,
when I eat a dinner
it's delicious.

But when I don't eat a dinner,

that's a signal
to the whole world
that it ain't delicious.

And will you please
don't take no more

Puerto Rican cooking lessons
from Teresa there?

I think
it's very good.

It's called pescado.

Ah, pescad.
I call it fish,
and I hate it.

You haven't even
tried it yet.

How am I gonna try something

that's lookin' up at me
with two burled eyes there?

The fish isn't
looking at you.

No more, now that
I covered his head there
with the au gratin potatoes.

[GLORIA SINGS ALONG]

[TRILLING TONGUE]

Cut that out, you!
Remember where
you was raised!

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.
I forget the rules.

Yeah. No singing
in the kitchen,

no whistling in the bathroom,

no playing the guitar
in the bedroom--

no happiness
anywhere in this house.

I ain't got nothin’
against happiness
in the house.

All I ask is
you don't show it.

Mr. Bonkers, don't worry.

From now on,
you won't hear me "brith."

Oh, listen to this.
"Brith. Brith."

Jeez. When did you ever
hear an English word,
"brith"?

Yeah, B'nai B'rith.
Ahh!

Muchas gracias
for the water softener,
Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, you're welcome.

I mean, de nada.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]
You're so cute!

How'd the bra
come out?

Fine. Mira, perfecto.

Don't be wavin'
them cupcakes
over the table!

And the pantyhose...
Aww!

...is nice
and soft too!

The pantyhose!

I hate the sight
of them things!

You got a boyfriend
who's out to get you, huh?

You just show him
them things,

he'll never come
near you again!

Are you kidding?
Men go crazy when they
see these things.

Stop that! Stop that!

♪ M-I-C ♪

♪ K-E-Y ♪

TOGETHER:
♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

Hey!

Will you remember
you are at the table?

Take that off your head.

All right, now,
let's have no more talk

or anything
about underwear.

Can you take it
all away there,
Teresa?

Have some coffee
like a nice girl.

In a minute, Papi.

See that? She's calling me
Papi the whole week long.

Why don't you
help the girl,
correct her English?

That ain't a good
English word there,
Teresa.

See, I ain't your papi.

I'm her papi there.

That's what we call
all the cute old men, Papi.

See, now, that's
disrespect there.

Archie, she's just
trying to be nice to ya.

Well, "cute" is nice,
but "old" is disrespect,

and I expect as much
respect from this girl

as I do from
my own daughter there.

What the hell's
the use in talkin', huh?

Oh, Archie, just try
to be nice to Teresa.

I am nice
to everybody, Edith.

Yeah, but you're a lot nicer

to people who aren't
Puerto Rican.

Oh, now, listen,

get off of that there,
little girl,

'cause I'm one guy
who ain't prejudiced

against anybody who may be
less superior than me.

To tell you the truth,

I'm a little worried
about this girl.

She's got
a jealous boyfriend

who's coming after her
there.

And you know
how them Puerto Rican
people are

when they get mad?

[WHISTLING]

[WHISTLING]

No, how are them
Puerto Rican people
when they get mad?

Well, if they happen

to be holding
one of these at the time,

you could get yourself
an amateur nose job.

And you say
you're not prejudiced,

using that
stupid old stereotype

about all Puerto Ricans
carrying knives?

If you'd-a let me finished,

I woulda said that
it ain't them people's fault.

Whose fault is it?

It is the fault,
little girl, of society.

Society, see?

You'd know that
if you was watchin'

some of the higher-class
TV m*rder dramas there.

Them people are poor,
see?

That's why
your Puerto Ricans
have knives.

They ain't like
your regular Americans
who can afford a g*n.

Don't be doin' that to me
with them teeth I paid for.

I'm gettin'
outta here.

Ma, thanks a lot
for the pescado.

Oh, de nada.

And, Daddy, if you're
not gonna eat that,

can I take it home
to Michael?

Just the eyes.

The rest of it we're gonna
feed to Marvin,

see if a bone
gets stuck in his throat.

Thanks, Papi.

Aw, cut that out!

[SINGING LATIN MUSIC]

Hey, Daddy,

Teresa's only gonna
be here three more weeks,

so could you please
be nice to her?

[SINGING LATIN MUSIC]
Get outta here!

I'm not gonna be nice
to nobody!

I'm the head of this house.
I bring home the bacon here.

Teresa don't like it,

she can go home
and cut bananas.

Mr. Bonkers,

I don't want to complain,

but there is a rat
in my room.

That ain't a rat,
Teresa, that's--

that's only
a little mouse there.

He won't be around long.

Just as soon as he
sticks his moosh
in that trap there,

he's finished, see.

But, look,
if you're scared,

I'll go up there
before you go to bed,

I'll get him
outta your room.

In the meantime,
where do I study?

What, do ya
gotta study somethin'?

Oh, I have to pass
a test tomorrow.

Well, you can
study down here.

The Meathead
always done that.

The Meathead went
through college
in this room.

Thank you.

Sure! Sit down
anywhere you like, there.

I'll just read
my paper here.

You won't hear
a sound outta me.

[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]

[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]

[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]

[BELCHES]

That ain't my fault,
Teresa.

I ain't got nothin'
to do with that.

See, that's what
you call hungry gas.

The reason I got
the hungry gas,

I didn't have no dinner,
and you know the reason
I didn't have no dinner.

You didn't like
your pescado?

Well, I like seafood,

but I can't stand
eatin' nothin'

that's watchin' me
while I'm eatin' it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna make you
something wonderful tomorrow.

I'm gonna make you
some octopus.

Well, uh, I don't want
to eat nothin'

that looks like it's
gonna start huggin' me,
neither.

Archie, your movie's on!

The Frog that Ate Tokyo.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Let me get this on here.

Oh, this is
some moving picture, here.

Wait'll you see
this here, Teresa.

Here it is,
here it is. See...

there's the frog.

He's just comin'
into Tokyo, now.

See that? Now he's eatin'
all the buildings, there.

Go, frog, go!

Pay 'em back
for Pearl Harbor!
Go! Go!

See that there?

Hey, look,
that's a smart trick.

He takes the trolley car,
turns it upside-down,

he shakes
all the Japs out, see?

And he eats 'em,
like bugs.

Sayonara, Japs!

Go, frog, go! Go!

Mr. Bonkers, could you
turn down the sound, please?

You can't do that.

You can't enjoy it
unless you hear

the victims screamin',
there.

I don't mean the sounds
from the TV.

I mean the sounds from you.

Oh, don't pay
no attention to me.

I always holler at
the monster pictures there,

particularly
this frog picture.

I seen it four
or five times.

But the frog can't hear what
you say -- it's a fake frog.

It's a fake lamp post,
it's a fake building,
it's a fake movie.

Well, sure it's fake.
Everybody knows that.

All movies are fake.

But this is very exciting.

This is a wonderful picture.
I call that a great picture.

It stinks.

It stinks. It stinks!

Teresa, you just said
a very stupid thing there...

three times.

And don't use
that word stinks.

That ain't
a nice English word.

You never hear me use
words like that, see.

And stinks?
No, this picture don't--

I ain't sayin' it's a great
acting picture there,

that ain't
a Duke Wayne picture.

But what you gotta think of is
the terrific technical geniuses

that turn the whole
of downtown Tokyo

into a meal for a frog.

It still stinks.

Now, don't say that word
no more!

That ain't a nice word!
It don't stink.

That's a great picture,
there.

That's one of the greatest
pictures ever made.

If I was the Japs,
I'd give that picture
the Jap Academy "Reward"!

If you think
that that picture

deserves a Japanese
Academy "Reward,"

then you got no taste!

I got no what?

What's the matter?
Don't you "espeak" English?

No taste!

Edith!

Edith, come in here!

This is important,
Edith!

Get in here right away!
What's the matter?

Edith, you know
what this girl
just said to me?

You wouldn't believe this.

Now, what is
about the worst thing
anybody could say to me?

You're fat?

No, that ain't it!

She said I ain't
got no taste!

No taste!
How d'ya like that?

To say that to a man
with a color TV

and a 5-year subscription
to the Reader's Digest.

No taste!

Well, you've just spoiled
my whole evening, here.

Well, you "espoiled"
my "estudy" time.

Well, you "espoiled"
my frog picture, there.

You making fun
of my English?

Everybody makes fun
of your English.

That does it!

[SHOUTING ANGRILY
IN SPANISH]

Hey, Teresa,

I think I'd better
make believe

I didn't understand
none of that.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.

No, no, get away
from there, now.

I told you not to do that
at night anymore,

openin' the door
the way you do.

Ain't you afraid
a Boston Strangler
could jump in on you?

No. This is New York.

Stand back over there.

Let me open the door,
huh?

Oh, jeez!

You know who that is
out there?

The Boston Strangler?

No, no. It's her
Puerto Rican boyfriend.

She don't wanna see him.
Don't open it.

I gotta open it.
With his pointy shoes,
he'll kick holes in it.

Well, what do you want?

Teresa...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Well, she--
She ain't here.

No, she's gone-o.
Ain't home-o, you know?

704 Hauser Street?

Yeah, but Teresa
ain't here.

She went over
to Jersey, there.

There's bullfights
in Hoboken.

TERESA:
Who's that in there?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No, no, wait.

You can't come in! Hey!

[EXCITED SHOUTING]

Well, the man
walked in here!

He's gonna come
into the house,

what am I gonna do?

What am I
supposed to do?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Archie, are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Better be glad
I didn't eat dinner--

I'd pescado
all over my chair, here.

Oh, you shouldn't have
hit Archie.

Well, he shouldn't have
hit my brother.

Your brother?

This guy's
your brother, here?

Yeah.

Well, how the hell
was I supposed to know that?

I mean, lookin'
at him standin' there...

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not gonna tell me
we all look alike.

I didn't say that,

but you certainly
all sound alike.

We thought
he was your boyfriend.

Archie was
trying to protect you.

Ah...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]

You take care of Luis,

and I take care
of Mr. Bonkers.

Yeah, sure.
I'm sorry.

Here, sit down.
Ay, gracias.

I'm Mrs. Bonkers...

uh, Bunkers...
Bunker!

You all right,
Mr. Bonkers?

One. Only one.

Can't you erase
the "S" off of that thing?

"Boonker."

"Boonker." Perfect.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

I-I'm sorry
I punched you.

I-I can't believe
that you tried
to save my life.

Nah...think nothin'
of it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That is the nicest thing

that anyone
has ever done for me.

Well, don't mention it.

I mean, it's nothin',
it's nothin'.

Muchas gracias, Papi.

Oh, de nada, there,
de nada, there.

[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT]

Aw, jeez, we got you,
Marvin, this time!

Maybe I can't get rid of her,

but we sure got rid of you.

Nothin'.

Well...

maybe I'm gonna
have to get used
to the both of youse.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.