01x01 - If She Could See Us Now

[bunniefuu]

I feel bad saying this, I do,

but Coleen's makeup, it
just... it looks terrible.

Oh, my God!

I think so, too!

And when is the last time
she put on blue eye shadow?

- I don't know.
- Our prom, maybe?

Well, I wouldn't know.
I wasn't asked to prom.

It's been years.

I think we gotta let this one go.

- I'm trying.
- Guys...

There you are. Coleen's
hair is next-level bad.

I haven't seen her wear it
like this since our prom.

- I...
- Jodie, you're gonna have to get over it.

- She's trying.
- I think we should say something.

There are girls from
high school out there.

Col's gotta look hot...
so they'll be mad.

AMY: I think I made
her eye shadow worse,

if that's possible.

[PIANO PLAYS SOMBER MUSIC]

JODIE: I can't believe she's gone.

She made everything better.

What are we gonna do without her?

You know, of the four of us, I really...

I really did think you'd
be the first to go, Amy.

You know, with all the...
the artificial sweeteners

and smoking all those years,
the drinking, the pills,

the gluten, the jaywalking.

I'm so sorry. I promise, I will be next.

Coleen would really like that.

[SQUEAKS]

♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY]

Metallic bronze eye shadow,
hair loose and messy,

light denim jumpsuit,
unless it's winter...

I am rethinking the jumpsuit.

I think it's a little
too causal for a coffin.

Well, this is going in the will for now.

You're the greatest husband, Henry.

Dan will end up just...

pouring me in a jar with his mother.

All right. I gotta get to work.

- Okay.
- Uh, you gonna be okay?

Yeah. Maybe in about five years.

It's gonna be okay.

I love you.

Bye, Jodie.

[SIXPENCE NONE THE
RICHER'S "KISS ME" PLAYS]

Hey, this is our prom s...

Everyone missed you. Don't
think that they didn't.

You're very missed.

Sorry, that was the hospital again.

Can't even day drink at
my best friend's funeral

without getting interrupted.

You didn't talk about the
baby's hair without me, did you?

Oh, it was as bad as Coleen's.

Coleen never would have let someone

use hairspray on her toddler.

She was the best mother.

She spent every waking
moment with that kid.

It was like, where
Coleen ended, Lila began.

Okay. I get it.

You guys think I'm a terrible mother.

- No.
- I work long hours.

I can't be home.

You produce a morning cooking show.

You get off at : every day.

Yeah, that is true, but it is
a very high-stress job, okay?

And I need time to
decompress before I go home,

before they go to bed.

I want to be with my kids. I do.

I love my kids. I just...

I inherited the maternal instincts

of a corn chip.

You know what, and if I didn't know

that she was in Florida at
a different bar right now,

Well, now you're insulting corn chips.

Someday, I am gonna go home,
and I am gonna be a mother.

Amy, if Coleen's death
has taught us anything,

it's that we don't know
how much time we have left.

And have a hair and
makeup plan in place.

Oh, Amy does. It's almost in her will.

You know, 'cause I'm next.

- Seriously.
- It's okay.

Someday is now.

We have to live our best lives now.

Which is why I am getting back in shape

and seeing a trainer.

I... I pay in cash so
that Dan doesn't know.

You know the only weight
you have to lose is Dan.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Damn it.

It's work. I'm not even on call today.

I hate my life.

Somebody better be
lying in a pool of blood.

Oh, good. Good.

She's a doctor.

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪♪

- [APPLAUSE]
- [BELL RINGS]

Sarah, guess what.

I am going straight
home from work today.

- Okay?
- I was thinking of Coleen.

And the whole "someday
is now" of it all,

and I have a chance
that she didn't have.

So, I'm gonna be a really good mom.

In the afternoons.

- Scary, huh?
- Wow.

I mean, I thought I had big news.

I just quit medicine.

Yours is way better than mine.

What do you mean you quit medicine?

I was in the ER this morning

at the end of an -hour shift,

and all I could think
about was the burrito that

I left in the doctors
lounge in the microwave.

Ooh, what kind?

Egg white, avocado, vegan cheese.

You'd hate it.

Anyway, I get back to the
microwave after my surgery,

and someone has eaten half of my burrito

and just left the other half just...

just sitting there, like an animal.

And that was my breaking point.

I... I... I couldn't do it anymore.

I... I grabbed my
stuff, and I peaced out.

You couldn't have just
bought another burrito?

It wasn't about the burrito, Amy.

It was about everything

that I've given up for medicine...

my... my... my s, my s, my marriage.

You know that my absence drove Diana

into the arms of her acupuncturist.

Well, I think she drove herself.

It did... No, it did. It drove her.

This is why I told you

not to give all your money
to Diana in the divorce,

because what if you
had a psychotic break,

which is what you're having right now.

I have never been better.

I am going to get another job.

A fun one.

You can't. You are a doctor.

♪ I'm coming ♪

♪ Out ♪

Not anymore.

♪ I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

- ♪ I'm ♪
- _

♪ I'm coming out ♪

[JODIE GROANS]

You're so tight.

Am I hurting you?

It's good.

I like it.

All right. Let's go slow.

Hey, did you lose weight?

/ pounds.

I'm doing intermittent
fasting, like you said.

And now with the high-intensity
interval training,

you're gonna be building
some lean muscle mass.

I'm telling you, you're gonna be back

in your skinny jeans before you know it.

You... You're gonna
look so freaking hot.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm already in them.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, my God.

Well, when you get home,
you gotta send me a picture.

Today?

Not in a couple weeks?

You're funny.

Meet me over by the mini trampoline.

I'm gonna grab you some water.

Nobody gets me water at home.

I find that very hard to believe.

♪♪

♪♪

[SIGHING] Okay.

Oh, that's a lot.

Mm, mnm-mnm.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Maybe someday is tomorrow.

♪♪

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Uh, hi.
- How's it going with the kids?

Or did you change your
mind about going home

and you're headed to Mexico?

[TIRES SCREECH]

Nope.

I'm almost there. I'm almost home, yeah.

What, are you checking up on me?

You didn't think I was
actually gonna go home, or...

No. Can't a guy call his wife

and ask if she's run off to Mexico?

Yeah. No, you sure can.

But we are... I am... is all good.

I am ready to mother.

- [CLANG]
- Aaah!

What the hell happened?

I'm... I'm home.

Hi... Hi, Luke.

- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Mommy's home in the daytime!

Are you not feeling well?

What? No. I'm good.

I just wanted to see my children, so...

Hi, Jules.

Hi! Oh, yes.

See? Okay. This is great.

Gloria, you can... you can take off.

I'll... I'll pay you, of course.

You never come home
before I have the kids

bathed, fed, and in bed.

Well, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't say never.

Look, my friend d*ed,

and I want to be a good mom, so...

You don't want me?

I'll go.

Gaga.

Gaga's gotta go.

Gaga's gotta go.

Oh, bye-bye, my sweet girl.

Oh, don't forget to...

Never mind.

You know what you're doing.

You're their mother. I
don't want to insult you.

- No, you can insult me! Gloria!
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Gaga!

LUKE: You're just in
time to play dinosaurs.

You can be a triceratops,
named for its three-horned face.

- Don't touch those screens.
- All right.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- _

- I'll be in my room! Don't come in!
- Mom, I'm hungry!

There's food on the floor!

Oh, hey, Andy, you look pretty!

Don't come in my room!

My mom. No, you can't meet my mom.

It's not even legal that we're dating.

♪♪

♪♪

[GRUNTS]

♪♪

Come on! Come on!

Please. Please.

No. No.

Just fit!

Fit! I'm begging you!

Whoop!

I begged you!

[GROANING]

Please, please, please,
please, please, please.

♪♪

So close.

[SIGHS]

[SQUEAKS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

Okay, this dinosaur's just
gonna catch its dinosaur breath.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hey.

I... I came home...

to be a good mother
because someday is today.

Something bad's happened. I need help.

- Get over here.
- Oh, thank God.

We'll be right over.

Okay! Change of plans.

Field trip. Okay.

Yep, bring the sticks. Okay.

I'll bring drums.

Oh, great. Great idea.
That will be fun in the car.

I still have to make Dan a chicken.

Mom, did you know Florida has
the most shark-infested waters?

Luke, I did not know that.

[CHUCKLES] Huh.

This is going... This
is going well, right?

You guys are... Everyone's
having a good time.

We're having fun, right?

[FARTS]

She crapped herself,
and she's sitting on it.

Oh, that is... Yeah... [GAGS]

That is crap.

Oh, she wants Gloria.

Okay, well, Gloria's not
here. It's just Mommy.

Well, it's not... it's not just Mommy,

- but you know what I mean.
- Please!

Luke, I'm gonna want you to
hold your breath right now.

It's not healthy.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[CRYING]

♪♪

- Ooh.
- LUKE: Mom, did you know peregrine falcons

feed on loons, pigeons, and ducks?

Great.

That is such good information right now.

Hi. Thank you so much
for letting us cut.

- What?
- Okay, it'll be a second.

Oh, my God.

Where are the diapers. I
didn't bring any diapers?

Oh, God!

Are there any emergencies
or -hour shifts?

I'm looking for something

where there's no illness or death,

and I don't have to
deliver bad news to anyone.

I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

Sometimes you have to tell the customers

that we're out of the port wine cheddar.

It just happens.

You know, so...

Great.

I'll do it.

Yes.

I haven't interviewed you yet.

Right. What would you like to know?

Okay, um, any cash register experience?

I... I'm a doctor. MD-PhD.

I ran the busiest ER
in the tri-state area

- for most of...
- No cash register experience.

- Uh, okay.
- How about, uh, bagging groceries?

Oh, well, if it's anything like

putting organs back into a body,

- I'm...
- No bagging experience.

Shopping cart stacking?

Yes.

AMY: Okay. Watch yourself.
Luke, watch yourself.

- Watch yourself, Luke.
- We've been waiting here all day.

Ma'am, that was really
not okay 'cause...

You're gonna want to burn that down.

Finally. Look here...

[BIRD CHIRPS]

Now, what's all this?

I just need you to roll me over,

pull down my sweatshirt so
it looks like these jeans fit,

and take a photo of me from behind.

What smells like poo?

Oh, Gloria purposely didn't
tell me to bring diapers,

and Julia had a blowout in the car.

Where are the kids? They're
not up here, are they?

No, they're downstairs. I'm
paying Andrea to watch them.

She's gonna give Julia a bath,

and then loan her a crop
top and some short shorts.

I think she's sexually active.
It's just a feeling I get.

Okay.

Why are we doing this?

Because... Aah!

Well, it's just for my trainer.

I told him that my skinny
jeans were fitting again,

and he wants to see
for training purposes.

Oh, my God.

Are you having a thing with your trainer

that you paid cash for?

No!

I'm not having a thing with my trainer.

I... [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

His name is Matt, which
is my favorite name,

and he is so cute,
and I do have a crush.

I'm not doing anything.
Get a good angle.

Okay.

Oh! Oh, take your boots off.

Dan hates feet on the bed.
I don't want a lecture.

Yeah, Dan sucks. Here we go.

It has to look like I'm standing.

Yeah, put your head to
the side, kinda like...

like you're over the
shoulder, being like, "Hey."

Hey. Like, "Come hither."

Yeah. Perfect.

Are my heels dry? Are they cracked?

You know what I'm not gonna
do, is put lotion on your feet.

That's where I'm gonna draw the line.

Can you just crop out my feet?

Okay.

Do something with your hand.

You would never hold them out like that.

And I want to look sexy,

but not, like, mom sexy.

Let me come back to that.

How's my hair look.

I feel like that's not what
he's gonna be looking at.

Okay. Good point.
Good point. Good point.

You look like you're in
a time out as a superhero.

- Hanging out in my closet.
- Just hanging out.

- In my skinny jeans.
- Perfect.

I've lost circulation in my calves.

And here, here, here. I got one.

I got one that looks like you are, um,

standing against your
favorite carpet wall.

- I feel like you're laughing at me.
- No, I'm not.

No, I'm not... I am not laughing at you.

I mean, I'm laughing with you.

Will you get these off of me?

They are splitting me in half.

Oh, I gotta call Sarah,

because she will not want to miss this.

- [GROANS]
- Hi.

You wanna come over to Jodie's
and play tic-tac-camel-toe?

You quit over a burrito?

Oh.

And I applied for a job at Fields.

- The store?!
- As what, their doctor?

I believe the title
is "bagging associate."

- Oh.
- I'm done with hard work.

After this, of course.

Sarah, you didn't quit out
of guilt because Coleen d*ed?

What? Wait.

- Whoa.
- No. No.

You don't, right? I mean, you shouldn't.

Why would I feel guilty?

I'm not an oncologist.

I just know that you really loved Coleen

and you've dedicated your
life to taking care of people,

and you probably made
yourself feel responsible

for saving her somehow.

Amy, your neck looks
amazing from down here.

Aww. Thank you.

Huh. Wait a minute.

How come Coleen dies and
Amy decides to be a mother

and you start wearing makeup
and... and jeans, sort of,

but when I want to quit my career,

it's not okay.

I was a mother before, technically.

I wear makeup sometimes.

You don't think it looks creepy?

Because it can definitely look creepy.

- No. Not at all.
- No?

- Not anymore.
- Pants!

Why don't we just hitch
Jodie to the back of my car.

I will floor it.

Or we could go back at the
waist, like, with gusto.

No.

An ice bath will contract her legs

and activate the brown adipose fat...

Brown fat?! Just cut me out!

Cut out all the colors of the fat!

[PANTING]

Amy, will you cut along the seams

- so I can fix this later.
- Of course. Of course.

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Sorry, I panicked!

These pants are like
cheap wrapping paper!

- There's no pushback!
- Oh, please. Sarah, help me.

- Okay, this is not good.
- What's not good?!

- What's not good?
- I'll take it out!

Amy, Amy, Amy, no!

- [ALL SCREAMING]
- Put it back in!

Put it back in! Put it back in!

Okay, okay! Great, guys. Thank you.

Now we have to go to the ER.

- I just quit.
- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

Um, do you have a pen? All I
have is this, uh, princess one.

I don't.

Does anyone have a pen?

I just can't have anything.

I take care of everyone,

and I ask for nothing in return.

Children treat me like a servant

because they see Dan doing it.

[SCOFFS] He's not even smart.

He says "fustrated."

He thinks he's so manly
because he makes money.

Well, news flash, this
camel toe has come closer

to giving me an orgasm than he ever has.

[SOBBING] My best friend is dead.

♪♪

I'm sad.

And all I want is to
fit into my skinny jeans

so my trainer will want
to have sex with me,

and I can't even do that!

Oh, you skinny bitch!

So, you're gonna cheat on your husband

after Diana ruined our marriage

and pretty much my life?

I'd like to.

- Let's go.
- Whoa, whoa.

We're gonna go before backward arm guy?

[GROANING]

Yeah.

VIP.

I haven't done anything.

It's just a fantasy,
like fitting into pants.

You know, if this
trainer BS is because Dan

can't give you an orgasm,

I'll show him how.

Like a little tutorial.

Well, he doesn't know I don't.

- What?
- I fake it.

I make a squeak.

Oh, well, we need to
hear that right now.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

- Now?
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- I'm not...

Hey, you want cute
stitches or puckering?

[GASPS]

Let's go.

♪♪

- [SQUEAKS]
- [LAUGHS]

That was it?

There's no more to that?

You do that when you cry.

Oh, yeah.

I knew I got that from somewhere.

Oh, my God. There you are.

I mean, are... are you... are you okay?

- Are the kids okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fine.

We're good. They're with Andrea.

She's very mature.

Jodie thinks she's sexually active.

- Oh, it's just a feeling I get.
- Whoo.

Boy, I can't panic
like I could in my s.

Wait, how did you know I was here?

I haven't even posted about this yet.

Well, I called you
times. Got no answer.

Find My Phone on my
phone said your phone

was at the hospital, so I raced over.

Jodie, are you wearing makeup?

Aaah! Oh.

Well, it's on silent
because we're at a hospital.

Wait, are you... are you tracking me

because you don't
trust me with the kids?

'Cause if so, that's insulting.

Honey, I'm tracking you

because you always lose your phone,

and you're not even with the kids.

Only because Jodie almost lost her leg

trying on skinny jeans.

Amy! They fit in the back.

They really don't.

Unbelievable. Okay.

I left work for this.

Left a guy on a roof.

Maybe I should just wait for him here.

Next time your phone says
you're at the hospital,

I'll just assume it
was a pants emergency.

- Thanks, boo.
- Bye.

- I'll see you at home.
- All righty.

Bring the kids.

[AMY SIGHS]

Okay, he's right. I'm avoiding the kids.

- We know.
- It's obvious.

- Oh.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh. Hi.

It's Fields.

Really?

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm used to that. You
know, ER doctor and all.

I get up ea... All right.

I'll see you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

The person they wanted...
he broke his parole.

- I got the job at Fields.
- And not as their doctor.

No. Is this crazy?

- It's insane.
- It's ridiculous.

Oh, my God. I'm terrified.

- Oh, we all are.
- Aaaaaah!

That is the noise you should make.

Matt texted back.

When did you have time
to send the picture?

Um, when I was bleeding out in the car.

Oh, it does look like
it fits from the back.

This is all Coleen's fault.

♪♪

If she could see us now, huh?

♪♪

[LAUGHING] She would die.

Yeah, I-I realize that's
the wrong thing to say now.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Jules...

I'm sorry I embarrassed
you at the coffee shop.

But trust me, those judgmental looks...

they... they weren't for you.

They... They were for me.

This was not your fault.

It was Gloria's fault. No, it wasn't.

It wasn't. It was mine.

"What kind of mother
forgets diapers?", you ask.

An incompetent one.

I suck.

But know this...

I will always love you.

I wasn't hugged.

HENRY: Do you want a hug?

I don't know how Coleen did it.

I mean, being a mom was
so effortless for her.

She just... She knew.

She just knew what Lila wanted,

and she knew how to care for her, and...

I mean, she wasn't worried
about messing things up.

It's like, where Coleen
ended, Lila began.

What does that even mean? I don't know.

Jodie said it. It's mom language.

I'm not cut out for this.

I was a lazy dinosaur today,

and then Julia kept asking for Gloria.

I mean, she is... she
is obsessed with Gloria.

No, she's not. She's used to her.

Besides, I wouldn't have married you

if I didn't think you'd
make an amazing mom.

I love you, but you don't
always make the best decisions.

Well, I got that one right.

Maybe.

JULIA: Mama.

Did she... did she just ask for me?

Mm-hmm.

Go see what she wants.

Oh, okay.

Hi.

I'm here. Mommy's here.

Yeah. Okay.

Daddy, did you know the moray eel

is the largest sea snake?

Really? Look at this smart guy.

Did you also know that
the moray eel needs a warm,

subtropical environment to survive?

Mommy, are you coming
over again tomorrow?

You mean home?

Yeah.

Yes.

Most likely.

I love you guys.

♪♪

Four showers,

and I still smell the baby poo.

And you know what? Julia
wasn't even embarrassed.

She seemed... She seemed almost proud.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, okay, I gotta go.

I'm going back there
today because of you.

And in case you're wondering,

we're holding it together down here,

so you don't have to worry about us.

Let's elevate, shall we?

Aah!

Eh, actually, you can
maybe worry a little bit.

I miss you, girl. Love you.

♪ I'm on my way up ♪

♪ Won't look back ♪

♪ I'm on my way up ♪

♪ My way ♪

♪ Mm-mm ♪