01x02 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hello.

Nice to see you all.

Some return visitors I see,
and some fresh faces.

You know, I was just thinking about
how we put people in boxes

and make assumptions about them

based merely on what
they do for a living.

You said you owned a cat café,
so I drew you living alone.

Cats are like your babies

and you eat canned soup
for dinner every night.

Not even close.

Spot-on.

My mother's very concerned
that because of my job,

I'll be single forever.

She also fancies herself
to be a bit of a...

how should I put this?

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
make me a match ♪

- ♪ Find me a find ♪
- Mother, you can't do this...

- ♪ Catch me a catch ♪
- ... in the middle of a cat café.

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil ♪

♪ You bring the groom... ♪

Which is why earlier in
the week, this happened.

Katharine, I've found him.

I've found your soul mate.

A gentleman I met at the track.

He seemed very interested
in what you do,

and when I showed him a
picture of you, he didn't balk.

Okay, as enticing as that is,
I am not gonna go on a date

with a random man you
met at the horse track.

He's not a random man.
He's the track announcer.

I've always been fascinated
by that skill set.

And I'm going on a date
with a track announcer

because I said Yes To My
Mother, Yes To My Mother,

and taking the lead is
Hell Must've Frozen Over.

- (BELL DINGS)
- Oh. Soup's done.

♪ ♪


Daniel, come get your
latte before it gets cold.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, hey, Randi.

Can you use a friendlier tone?

Maybe throw in a "Have
a meow-tastic day"?

Which is what I do for
every other customer.

But Daniel comes in here
every damn day and never tips.

Unless you count that
one time the loyalty card

from the yogurt shop
fell out of his pocket.

And yes, I did use it
to get a free yogurt.

Marty used to overtip just to show off.

One time this waiter said
he had lost his watch.

Marty gave him a watch.

Well, that sounds very Jesus-like.

It was my watch.

(PHONE RINGS)

(GASPS) Oh, look.

It's Brandon, the track announcer

my mom set me up with.

He sent me a picture

so that I will recognize
him when we meet.

He is cuter than a calico
in a sweater-vest.

Ooh, I'd hit that.

That's something I've heard people say.

I wish I hadn't tried it.

Well, I predict that you and Dimples

are gonna have a great time.

I hope so. I just don't
want to get too excited.

My mother has a terrible track record

when it comes to making
decisions for me.

SHEILA: Guys love girls with curls.

Okay, he says, "Excited
to meet you tomorrow.

I'll be there even if I have
to come straight from work."

Sweet, flirtatious.

So I'll say, "I'll be there
even if I still have diarrhea."

No, I don't have that, I'm
just trying to be flirtatious.

Okay, well, never in
the history of flirting

has anyone ever invoked diarrhea.

I'm just impressed you
know how to spell it.

I couldn't.

Okay, then, I won't
send the diarrhea text.

Oh, I just sent the diarrhea text.

Why do they put the send
and delete buttons

so close to each other?

There's an "H" in there somewhere.

So, what if I texted,

"Maybe you come back to my place after

and pet my new kitten?"

Is that flirting?

I don't know, but it made me blush.

Ooh, you're a project, aren't you?

Piano karaoke night.

You're all coming. Especially you.

You know why.

Me? No?

- Why?
- (LAUGHS)

There was a piano in our college dorm.

Max and I used to meet there
at : a.m. and play

the loudest version of "Piano
Man" you've ever heard.

We woke up the whole dorm.
It did not make us popular.

- But it made us happy.
- So you're in?

I was in before you even invited me.

That's how in I'm in.

Great. All right,
I'll see you all there.

Uh-oh. Piano karaoke
night is the same night

you're supposed to be hanging
out with racetrack dude.

- No.
- Yes.

But I really want to hang out with Max.

He's a guaranteed good time. He gets me.

But doesn't he have a
girlfriend in France?

Ex-girlfriend. Brigitte.

But she sounds awful.

Max said she hated all
the best American stuff.

Ketchup, country music, football.

Why don't we just admit it,
this is all h*m*, no?

Let me check and see if Brandon
even responded to the diarrhea text.

He's probably figuring out a
way to cancel on me anyway.

Oh, wow. He says, "L-O-L.
See you tomorrow."

Damn it, he gets me, too.

Oh, why don't you just hang out with Max

for the first half of the night,
then go meet up with Brandon

for a drink on the later side?

That's what I would do.

Then that's what I'm gonna do.

and k*lling it on the social scene.

Who would expect that?

Draw me now, bitch.

I'm kind of excited.

The evening feels so
full of possibility.

Yeah, it is. Two guys, one night,

so you need to look double cute.

Damn, girl. You've been robbed.

(CHUCKLES) No.

That's my capsule wardrobe.

items of clothing that can
be worn different ways.

I needed to save money
when I opened the café.

Yeah. And the number one thing
men are attracted to in a woman

is thriftiness.

Well, in that case, Daniel "No Tipper"

would be super turned on
by my closet right now.

I would not wish that
guy on my worst enemy.

Actually, I would.

Maybe I should set him up with Sienna.

This seems like the perfect
night for my green pantsuit.

What... Didn't Max just see
you in that at Tara's wedding?

Yes, but... Fine.

I'll wear my favorite leggings.

Now I know I am not about to watch you

put on a pair of leggings
you just pulled out

of the dirty laundry hamper, am I?

Oh, come on, you've done it.

And you've done it. We've all done it.

You do you, but just so you know,

there's a sock stuck to the butt.

(LAUGHS): Oh.

Well, that would've been awkward.

All right, you know how it works.

Sign up for a spot,
and when it's your turn,

you come on up and show us what you got.

Now, this is a safe space.

But if you suck,
I'm gonna ring this bell,

and you better back away from the piano

and get your ass off the stage.

All right, let's give a warm welcome
to the Whitworth sisters

and Little Andy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Can you have a dog in a bar?

Can you have a cat in a café?

Touché.

So, I signed us up for the end.

I feel confident we can
really bring it home.

I'm supposed to meet
someone for a drink later.

Do you think you could
move us up to the middle?

Oh, sure. Who you meeting?

Just got a date with a track announcer.

No way. You love that skill set.

Are you sensing a little jealousy?

'Cause I'm sensing a little jealousy.

By the way, I made us a set list.

Why did you make a set list
without consulting your partner?

Because I knew my partner
would like my set list.

It's our old standbys.

But maybe your partner
made her own set list.

So even though my partner
was invited by me,

she thinks she's in charge?

Are we having our first fight?

Our first fight was pizza
versus Indian food.

We couldn't have made
it to the pizza place

- before they closed.
- If you'd have made a left

instead of a right, we could have.

It was a one-way street.

Not that section of it.

- One more?
- You know, why not?

Marty used to cut me off after one

because too much alcohol
gives me night sweats.

But he's not around to get wet anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that.
When did you guys break up?

Four months ago.

I feel you man. I just got my
divorce papers Thursday.

Hit me like a ton of bricks.

- Mm, bless your heart.
- Yeah.

She was always like,
"You're never around.

You're out at that bar every night."

Because I own a bar.

You knew that when
you met me in the bar.

Marty was the opposite.

He used to say, "You don't
want to go anywhere."

But I like being home and
tending to my garden.

And I cannot be away
from my sourdough starter

for longer than hours.

You got to feed the beast.

You got to feed the beast.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey, hey, I know that guy.
Did he tip you, Carter?

Aw, come on, man.

Uh, excuse me.

I thought it was just me you didn't tip.

I thought it was some weird
little dance that we were doing.

But when you don't tip my friends,

I require an explanation.

It's not illegal not to tip.

It's also not illegal to
leave your shopping cart

in the parking lot, but that
really fires me up, too.

Hmm. You're a passionate person.

Mm-hmm. And you're a fancy lawyer.

I know that 'cause I got your
name from your credit card

and looked your ass up.

So you're one of those
well-off cheapskates, huh?

I have a reason for not
tipping. Want to hear it?

Was it because your mommy's from Europe

and they don't tip there?

Because tipping fosters
sexual harassment,

reflects and amplifies
racial discrimination

and allows businesses
to off-load the burden

of paying workers a fair wage.

Well, do you know what
else tipping fosters?

My beautiful foam art
that you will never see,

which includes two cats holding a heart

and a grandpa cat sitting
in front of a rainbow.

And you know he's a grandpa
because he's smoking a pipe.

Huh. So, that's why it takes
forever to get a coffee.

Well, if you want fast
coffee, make it at home.

Well, what's the fun in that?

Honey, is it just me, or
do you need a cigarette?

- (CHEERING)
- Yeah! Good job.

We'll have to bring you back.

All right.

You might recognize this next guy.

All right, he's our bartender.

And just because he's my good friend

doesn't mean I won't ring this bell

and throw his ass off the stage.

All right? Let's welcome
Kat Silver and Max Kingbird,

AKA Silver Bird!

- All right.
- (CHEERING)

How you all doing tonight?

(WHOOPING)

- You know...
- (PLAYING PIANO)

Max and I went to college
together at U of L.

Go, Cards!

Max and I are just reconnecting
after, oh, about ten years apart.

He was working overseas.

Max, of all the places you traveled to,

what would you say is your favorite?

I would have to say Paris.

Beautiful people, flaky croissants,

and the language is so beautiful,

you hardly notice the cigarette breath.

I wonder what time it
is in Paris right now.

Well, that depends.

What time is it here?

♪ It's : on a Saturday ♪

♪ Regular crowd ♪
♪ Shuffles in ♪

♪ There's an old man ♪

♪ Sitting next to me ♪
That's you, sir.

♪ Making love to his tonic and gin ♪

♪ He says, son, can
you play me a memory? ♪

♪ I'm not really sure how it goes ♪

♪ But it's sad, and it's sweet ♪

♪ And I knew it complete ♪

♪ When I wore a younger man's clothes ♪

♪ Oh, la, la-la, di-dee-da. ♪

♪ Reunited and it feels so good ♪

It really does, Kat.

♪ Reunited, 'cause we understood ♪

Yeah, we did.

♪ There's one perfect fit ♪

♪ And, sugar, this one is it ♪

♪ We both are so excited 'cause we're ♪

♪ Reunited, hey, hey... ♪

- ♪ Gloria ♪
- ♪ Gloria ♪

♪ I think they got your number ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ I think they got the alias ♪

♪ Alias ♪

♪ That you've been living under ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ But you really don't remember ♪

♪ Was it something that they said? ♪

♪ Are the voices in your head ♪

♪ Calling, Gloria? ♪

- (SONG ENDS)
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(BARKING)

(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS): Okay, first
of all, that was hot.

You two really undersold yourselves.

And then second of all,
it's time for you to go.

- No. Really?
- Yeah. If you leave now,

you'll be fashionably
late to meet Brandon.

Oh, I'm not going.

I'm not going.

So, wait. You're just
gonna stand Brandon up

after you told me I had to be nice

to everybody, including Daniel?

Oh. Which, by the way, turned
into a whole other thing, girl.

I'll tell you about that later.

Look, you saw us up there.

Maybe there's some reason
that Max broke up with Brigitte

and ended up working next door to me.

Maybe he's the first person who
had to leave Paris to find love.

I have to play this out.

So what are you gonna tell Brandon?

I don't know.

That my diarrhea got real bad.

Okay, well, you know in
order to be the kind of girl

who goes out on two dates in one night,

you actually have to go on both dates.

But your call.

Wingwoman out.

RANDI: Hey, guys.

Don't judge me.

I mean, you saw what I felt.

We "Gloria'd" in unison.

- That was fun.
- So fun.

So, you're really into France, huh?

We should go there someday.

Maybe get on the French cabaret circuit?

Oh, I would love that.

I do need to get back there.

See Brigitte.

Oh? I thought you broke up with her.

No.

She broke up with me.

But I'm gonna get her back.

Really?

Well, I know you can do anything

- you set your mind to.
- Hmm.

Remember when you won
those two giant pandas

at the "water in the clown's mouth"
game at Kentucky Kingdom?

I mean, I've seen people
win one giant animal,

but you won two.

(LAUGHS): I forgot about that.

I didn't.

Wow, total misread.

I have to get out of here.

So... I got to go.

Oh, right. 'Cause you
got your drinks thing.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. (CHUCKLES)

I'll see ya.

- Hey, Kat?
- Yeah?

There's something around your ankle.

(GASPS) No way!

This is so much worse than a sock.

Oh, Andy, oh...

Andy. No. Andy.

Andy, I got to go.

Heel! Heel! Andy!

Little Andy, release the panties!

- Release the panties!
- Stop staying "panties"!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

How you doing?

Well, ironically, I seem to
have given myself diarrhea.

Oh, that reminds me.

Carter found your drawers
underneath a table,

and he dropped them off for you.

Wow. He even put them in a plastic bag

like they're evidence.

That would never happen to me.

Let me guess: because
you don't wear underwear?

No. Because my buttocks holds
my thong so securely in place.

Brigitte, I can't with you right now.

I can't with you right now.

Listen, you entertained a lot of people

in a lot of different ways last night.

I don't think you should feel bad.

Oh, I don't feel bad.

I feel exhausted.

Dating takes so much effort and energy.

And I didn't even go on a date.

Well, let me ask you something.

When's the last time
you had a boyfriend?

Serious boyfriend?

It's been a minute.

I dated a guy named
Walter for four years.

He was a teacher.

Good one. Chemistry.

Then he had all these medical bills,

and he needed more money,

so he started using his
skills to make meth.

No, uh-uh, that's Breaking Bad.

It did break bad.

Fine.

My longest relationship
lasted three months.

They just sort of peter out.

Which is funny, because that's
exactly what my ex, Peter, said

when we broke up.

But he said it like, "Peter out."

Well, you know dating is just
dating until you get married.

It's not supposed to last.

I know. But I had a date
with a nice, dimple-y guy,

and then I was so sure that
something was happening

with me and Max when apparently
nothing was happening

with me and Max.

Can I tell you something?

You make running a business look easy.

I wouldn't know what the hell to do.

Dating is hard for some people.

Don't b*at yourself up.

Thank you, Randi.

Plus, you don't have
to give up on Dimples.

You think he'd still go out with me

after I so rudely blew him
off at the last minute?

Us dating professionals call
that playing hard to get.

I've always wanted to play hard to get.

Hey, hey. What's up, little man?

- We still on for tonight?
- Yeah. We gonna drink some beer

and watch some sports-ball?

I thought you said you were
gonna teach me and Carter Jr.

how to make cinnamon rolls.

Oh, thank God. I couldn't
remember what we settled on.

Those two beers had me sweating so bad,

I fell asleep on the kitchen floor

with the refrigerator door open.

I used a bag of frozen corn as a pillow.

Hey, all right, well,
I'll pick you up at : .

Okay.

Oh, hello.

Well, my boss says I have
to be nice to you, so:

- Welcome to Kat's Cat Café.
- (CHUCKLES)

How can we make your day purr-fect?

(CHUCKLES) I'll have my regular, please.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry,
remembering customers' orders

is another perk of tipping.

- Soy vanilla latte.
- Mm.

And I brought you... this.

Film?

Yeah. Looked you up, too.
You're a photographer.

I like your stuff.

I'm pretty sure that's
the kind of film you use.

So is this my tip?

No. No.

It's, um... it's a gift.

So you're still not tipping?

Mm-mm. No, sticking to
my g*ns on that one.

They actually had a tip
jar at the camera store.

I didn't tip there, either.

Wait, a tip jar at a camera store?

Okay, now, that is bananas.

(MOCK GASP) So we agree on something.

- That'll be $ . .
- (CHUCKLES)

And not a penny more.

Whoa, he is a piece of work.

So are you gonna go out with him?

Maybe.

Will you drop my number at his table?

Are you Brandon?

- I am.
- I'm Kat.

- Oh, Kat.
- Yeah. Yeah. I just...

I feel terrible about
blowing you off last night.

It's just not who I am.

So, um, I brought you
some pastries from my café

- by way of apology.
- Oh.

Thank you.

How's the tummy?

Right as rain.

It's still a little bubbly.

Look, maybe you would consider
giving us a second chance

to, like, go out on the town,

let our hair down, maybe
kick off our heels...

Oh!

- You okay?
- Yeah.

(CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)

There must be some misunderstanding.

When I asked your mother if
you'd be open to meeting up,

it wasn't for a date.

Oh...

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah. Ooh.

Uh, what was it for?

It was to get your advice
on starting a business.

See, my real dream is
to open a cigar bar.

Call it something like Butts
on Fire, maybe Nice Ash.

I'm sorry for the confusion.
I'm married.

Oh. Ho-ho, so you are.

Oh, and your kids have dimples, too.

That is a dominant gene,
you know. (CHUCKLES)

Dimple, dimple, dimple. Oh.

- (SHATTERS)
- Oh, sorry! That is broken, yeah.

Um, I...

I'll send you a new frame. (CHUCKLES)

- Hey, Bran, you ready for lunch?
- Oh.

Yeah. Are you okay?

Absolutely.

- Yeah. Enjoy your lunch.
- After you.

No. After you.

There are times in your
life when you think:

what did it all mean?

You know, what was the lesson?

I bet on two different guys

only to discover that I didn't
have much of a chance

with either one of them.

But I say it was worth it.

It was all worth it.

'Cause it led me here.

(SIGHS)

Lemons, meet lemonade.

And they're off!

And taking the lead, it's Don't
Get Set Up by Your Mama.

Coming up quickly in second is
A Friend's a Friend Forever,

followed by ♪ Gloria! ♪

Gaining on the pack is Stay Positive,

but Sweet Lemonade is coming up fast!

Oh, it's Sweet Lemonade
for the win! Whoo!

Oh, my God, Katharine,

- it turns out Brandon is married.
- Married. I know it, Mother.

But not to worry, because
I found another prospect.

I am never going out with someone

you set me up with again.

He drives a Zamboni.

I am fascinated by that skill set.

- I know you are.
- Let me see a picture.

♪ ♪

- Let me see that picture again.
- Okay.

- So he is actually a Zamboni...
- He's got a mustache.

- Is that a problem?
- How do you spell "Zamboni"?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)