01x06 - Gym

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Hey. I've missed you all.

This is the part where you
say you missed me, too.

Oh, thank you.

So, let's get right to it.

I got some great news this week.

(GASPS)

Mr. Mousekers, guess what!

I'm a finalist

for the Courier Journal's
annual Twenty Under Forty list.

people under years old

who have a positive impact
on the community.

Now, give me some paw. Yeah!

And then I got something
stuck in my head.

No, not a salad fork.

Not a Q-tip. A song.

♪ Be the you that you've
always dreamed of ♪

♪ Come and get fit and strong ♪

♪ We're the gym you've
always dreamed of ♪

♪ The place where you belong. ♪

It's the jingle for the local gym.

And if I make the
Twenty Under Forty list,

they do a photo spread
of all the winners.

So, time to get fit for the pic.

Are you ready to be the you
you've always dreamed of?

Is Euclidean geometry the
first form of architecture?

Yes! The answer's yes.

(GROWLS)

(IMITATES SCHWARZENEGGER):
Are you intimidated by these muscles?

(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
I haven't even been yet.

On with our show.

♪ Be the you that you've
always dreamed of ♪

♪ The place where you belong,
place where you belong ♪

♪ Place where you belong. ♪

- What's this?
- Furry Time Story Time.

It's a new program
thought up by our owner.

Wherein a very handsome
and gifted storyteller...

it's me... reads stories to the kids

while being surrounded by sweet kitties.

Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

Maybe I'll bring my son.

Is there wine for the grown-ups?

There is.

- Then we'll definitely be there.
- Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Mamas and their wine.

I don't like it.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I'm back.

Spent a lot more than I
intended to on gym clothes

for my new life as a gym rat.

But part of that was because
I had to pay for a sports bra

that a stranger had to cut me out of.

Girl, zippers in the front
will save your life.

But zip slowly.
You don't want to zip a nip.

Huh. Been there, zipped that.

Ooh.

And I'm going to my first
kickboxing class tomorrow.

Kind of nervous, but also excited,

'cause you know me, I love to kick.

Oh! I am so sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I'll clean that up. Let me
get you a drink voucher.

Don't worry. I keep them in my apron.

Here you go. I'm sorry.

You know, gyms weren't
a thing when I was a kid.

We just climbed trees, chased livestock

and danced for the Lord.

Oh, Daniel and I are going
to the gym tomorrow, too.

Maybe we'll see you there.

Oh, look at you and Daniel,
getting sweaty together.

Or as I call it, "sweaty-to-getty."

Well, you know we have
to go on dates to places

that don't require tipping,
since he's morally opposed.

So it was either the gym or
the zoo, and I don't do zoos,

ever since I witnessed
a disgusting event

with a monkey and some poop.

I call it the monkey-rhea
incident of .

Great news, dear.

I found a lipstick that's
smudge-proof, waterproof

and Katharine-proof.

- What does that mean?
- My mother can't accept the fact

that I'm not big on lipstick.

But there's something
about my physiology

that doesn't allow it to
stay on my actual lips.

Hi, I'm Greg.

Oh, hi. I'm Kat.

It's for your Twenty
Under Forty interview

with Jordan Evan Luther.

He's the one who makes
the list every year.

Handlebar mustache. Everybody knows him.

You really think lipstick is
gonna make the difference

between me getting on the list or not?

Oh, I know it will.

Show me a man who can
say no to a bold, red lip

and I'll show you a man
who's dead inside.

She is not wrong.

Marty used to wear a tinted ChapStick.

Got my blood pumping.

♪ Let's talk about sweat, baby ♪

♪ Let's talk about kickboxing ♪

♪ Let's talk about all the
good things at the gym... ♪

Nope.

Oh, do you want me to take that for you?

- What? No.
- Oh.

Guess she doesn't want
to be my gym friend.

Ooh, this looks like fun.

Oh! Oh, I am so sorry.

- Ow.
- I'm sorry. But-but you know what?

T-This could be the hilarious
beginning to our gym friendship.

We could hang out at the
smoothie bar together,

and people will be like,
"How'd you meet?"

And you'll be like, "Funny story."

Go ahead, try it. Say, "Funny Story."

- No.
- No. Okay.

- Hey, Kat.
- KAT: Oh, hey.

Nice to see you again, Daniel.

Or should I say, Mr. Eleven

of last year's Twenty Under Forty List?

I see you, youngest partner

at the most prestigious
law firm in Louisville.

Oh, yeah, Kat's getting interviewed

- for that list tomorrow.
- Oh, congrats.

Thanks. So, tell me everything.

Did it change your life? Like,
do you get showered with gifts?

Do people stop and stare
at you on the street?

Uh, it did, actually.
I got a bump in business,

a bump in pay and it got me a stalker.

I want all of those things.

Uh, no, maybe not the stalker.

Um, any insider tips on
nailing the interview?

Look, don't be intimidated
by Jordan Evan Luther.

Just give him three examples

of how your work serves your community.

And most importantly, play it cool.

(CHUCKLES) That, I shall do.

I'm gonna play it cool to the touch.

- (YELPS)
- Whoa, I am so sorry.

All right, all right, all
right, gorgeous people.

It is time to party.

Whoa! I love a good party. Yeah.

All right, let's go,
to the left, to the left.

You heard the man, you heard the man!

To the left, to the left.

You heard the man, you heard the man!

To the left, to the left.

You heard the man. You heard the man.

Okay, everybody grab
a mitt and partner up.

Let's get six kicks on your right,

six kicks on your left.

You're with me, beautiful.

I'm conflicted.

I know it's a hollow compliment.

It's definitely sexist.

But so few people say
anything nice nowadays.

All right. Right here.

(GRUNTS)

Sorry.

I'm just... I'm seeing double right now.

But I can assure you, I did kick
one of the mitts I just saw.

Ooh.

Damn, girl. You got some strong legs.

Thanks.

- And Michelle Obama arms.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks.

We should have a summer wedding,
so you can go sleeveless.

Say what?

You did not just say the word "wedding"

on our third date.

Yeah, I did. I thought it and I said it.

You know what else I'm thinking about?

Whether our family Christmas
cards should be funny

or sincere.

W-Why don't you give me a break

and hit on these for a while?

I don't want to do it.

Come on. You got this.

I want you to find that voice
that's holding you back

and prove it wrong.

Come on.

He's working my body,
he's working my mind.

Mind, body, body, mind.

SHEILA: Come on,
you -year-old flat-ass.

This is your last chance

to make the Twenty Under Forty list.

Now kick like you want it.

(GROWLS)

Yeah, see?

You got it, gorgeous. Good job!

Yeah, there you go.

Thanks, stud. (TONGUE CLICKS)

Ah, ah.

I woke up two minutes
before my alarm went off.

That's how excited I
am about my interview

for the Twenty Under Forty list.

Unfortunately, I am so sore
that I can't move my arms

to get out of bed.

Or my legs.

And I have to pee.

How are you not sore, Randi?

I couldn't even lift my
arms to button my skirt.

In case you were wondering,
it's not buttoned.

Because I work out every
damn day. I'm used to it.

But I'll tell you what I'm not used to:

a dude talking about us getting
married on our third date.

So you got proposed to
while I got paralyzed?

- That seems fair.
- Kat, I'm serious.

He was talking about
sending out holiday cards.

I called him a player, and
he said, "I'm a for-realer,"

which is exactly what
a player would say,

which I know, because I've said it.

Oh, the mail's here.

Take a reward scone, Frank.

There's a surprise in the middle.

Oh, I'll just tell you, it's bacon.

What you got there, Phil?

Oh, it's the book I'm gonna read

for Furry Time Story Time.

Mama used to read it
to us kids every night

and when she got to the end

we'd say, "Read it again, Mama."

Partly because we didn't
want to go back to bed

and partly because she needed
to practice her reading.

Oh. Randi, it's Jordan Evan
Luther from the Courier Journal.

(GASPS) He's early for my interview.

Now I'm nervous on top of being sore.

I'm sore-vous.

Please don't talk like that
during your interview.

(SCOFFS) Obviously.

(CHUCKLES) Jordan Evan
Luther, I believe?

- Kat Silver.
- I am.

The one and only.
Actually, that's not true.

There are six other Katharine
Silvers in Louisville.

The oldest of us is .

I like to think of her as our leader.

Great. Okay, I am a little early,

uh, but if you're ready,
should we knock this out?

Yeah. Let's, uh, let's knock this out.

Let's knock it out so hard
that it gets a concussion.

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, could I get a cup of coffee?

(STRAINS): Would be my pleasure.

Nothing I would like more...

to walk over here and do that. Okay...

(SHORT CHUCKLE)

(SIGHS)

Oh.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's just, um, I just,
I overdid it a little bit

at the gym down the street,
so my muscles are spasming.

Or I've been poisoned.
I'm not really sure which.

I just joined that gym.

Yes, it's my new lunchtime ritual,

as I am trying to replace desk lunch

with a smoothie and a workout.

Oh, I haven't checked
out the smoothie bar,

although I did see there is
one called Almond att*ck,

and I thought, "Well,
I am up for that fight."

Ah.

So, Kat,

what inspired you to open a cat café?

Um... (GRUNTS)

Well, uh, my father had just d*ed,

and I was kind of...

reevaluating my place in the world.

And I thought, you know,

"What can I do to make
other people happy?

To make me happy?"

(CHUCKLES) I know that probably
sounds horribly corny.

Or, as I like to call it, "horny."

And then, when I tried
to explain myself,

I just kept repeating it over and over.

Like, "I am such a horny person.

I'm especially horny at night."

On and on.

And do you know how many examples I gave

about how my café serves
the community? None.

Then just call the dude and
ask for another meeting.

Tell him you were, like,
high on dr*gs or something.

'Cause that's what I thought
when I first met you.

He's not gonna give me two interviews

when everybody else only gets one.

I wish I could just run
into him somewhere,

li-like at the grocery store.

Or the gym!

He goes to my gym! He told me that.

I-I could just, like, run into him

during his lunchtime workout

and drop my three examples.

Randi, maybe you and Daniel
could go with me tomorrow

and Daniel can help me sweet-talk him?

Oh. No, no, no. I ditched Daniel.

He was way too cocky for me.

But I am going on a date tonight
with a doctor whose name is...

Wait a minute.

It starts with a "P."

Maybe a "E."

Oh, "T"! Taryn.

You better get that figured
out before you call out

the wrong name in the throes of passion.

No.

Please never mention
my throes of passion.

I'll go with you.

I'll be your emotional
support workout buddy.

You're a member of Body
for the People, too?

It's like a secret society
I am just learning about.

Yeah, I'm trying to get more cardio in.

When I was living in France,

Brigitte and I would bike everywhere.

It was such a good workout.

(FRENCH ACCENT): The only
thing more fun to ride is you.

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

Okay! We get it!

You're so in love, you
can't even bike alone!

Codependent much?!

I want to do it.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're all here.

I just read over my childhood book

that I was gonna read for
Furry Time Story Time,

and I think it might be...

(WHISPERS): a tad bit r*cist.

Would one of y'all take a look?

What year was it written?

.

MAX/CARTER/KAT/RANDI: It's r*cist.

Oh, Carter, what am I gonna do?

None of these books from the library

are as entertaining as the
book I was gonna read.

If you're looking for permission
to read a r*cist book,

you're not gonna get it from me.

No, of course not.

But maybe if you read it,

you could tell me which parts to skip.

- No.
- (SIGHS)

Well, did you have a
favorite book as a child?

No, not really. They were always
about animals or white people,

so I could never relate.

Yeah, I understand that.

I guess none of the books
I read told my story either.

Well, there's your answer.

Tell your own story.

There may be a kid out there

- who needs to hear it.
- Hmm.

I'll have to leave the part out

about where I took my
donkey to the prom.

Kids don't want to hear a love story.

- Hey, nice lipstick, by the way.
- (CHUCKLES)

Thanks, by the way.

My mom gave it to me and
promises it'll stay on my lips.

- I think it's made for drag queens.
- (CHUCKLES)

How's your smoothie?

Mine has a lot of particles in it.

Yeah. My Almond att*ck is
feeling a little att*ck-y

- in my tummy.
- (CHUCKLES)

Guess I shouldn't have ordered
that second one. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, I think your guy's here.

KAT: Oh, no.

He's talking to my gym enemy.

Or, as I call her, my "gym-iny."

I need you to distract her. Go flirt.

Hey. I am not a piece of
meat to be thrown at stuff.

Please?

Excuse me. Hey, is your name Michelle?

- No. Mia.
- Oh, that's funny.

You remind me of somebody I know.

Mr. Luther.

- Oh, uh, Ms. Silver.
- Hi!

I guess I shouldn't be
surprised to see you here,

'cause you did mention
you come to this gym.

That's right. Yeah, I'm just, you
know, trying to get my workout in.

Yeah, I-I'll let you get
to it. However, there...

there were a few things
that I forgot to tell you

during my interview

about how my café helps
serve the community.

(GAGS)

This smoothie is not serving my
community very well right now.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) First, we host
community outreach events...

(GRUNTS)

Second... (GRUNTS)

I'm about to lose this fight. Look away.

(RETCHING LOUDLY)

(COUGHS)

I'm sorry, where was I?

Look, I know it was rough, but
you still might make the list.

You know when somebody's
trying to make you feel better

but they actually make you feel worse

because they're making
you relive the event?

Stop making me relive the event.

Okay, new line of questioning.

Why do you care about
a stupid list anyway?

It's a big deal, Max.

They put your picture in the paper

and they give you a pretty
certificate to hang on your wall.

And all of the people who
doubted me when I said

I was gonna open a cat
café would see it and say,

"Wow. She was right and I was wrong."

Like my mother,

my classmate from grad
school Becky Finkle,

the guy who gave me the loan at the bank

and had the nerve to say,

- "I'll see you in default."
- (CHUCKLES)

So, you wanted validation?

I did. Is that shallow?

You took a huge risk with your life

and you want to tell
the haters to suck it.

It may be shallow, but it's real.

He gets me.

- Um, what are you doing here?
- I came for Story Time.

This is Aubrey.

I stole her from a park.

Nah, I'm just kidding, she's my niece.

- (LAUGHS)
- And people say lawyers can't be funny.

(RANDI LAUGHS)

Uh, well, I told you that
I have plans tonight.

I'm going on a date with
a doctor named Taryn.

Oh, well, I feel bad for him.

Oh, yeah, and why is that?

Well, because the whole
time you're with him,

you're gonna be missing me.

And I can't imagine how hard
that's gonna be on you,

but you're strong.

Damn. The grapes on that guy.

So that night, after
Daddy finished yelling,

Little Phil Kitty hid all the things

that upset his daddy under his bed.

Like his baton,

his lace collection, and
his firemen calendar.

He knew they'd be safe

because his Scarlett O'Hara doll,

that he permanently borrowed
from his best friend's sister,

was there to protect them.

Even though she couldn't
save Tara from burning.

And after another night
of fighting with his dad,

Little Kitty decided he could
either buy a one-way ticket

to Whisker-ta or he could
do something scary.

He picked scary.

Which, coincidentally, would
become his favorite Spice Girl.

So he went to his daddy and he said,

"If you can accept the one
thing you don't like about me,

"then you'll get all the other
things you love about me.

And we can stay in each other's lives."

All nine of them.

And after some thinking time,

Daddy Kitty gave Little
Kitty the hug of his life.

(APPLAUSE)

Damn.

I didn't even cry this much
when my son was born.

I once built a nail salon out of Legos.

Well, isn't that special?

Ah, you're back.

Yeah, I'm back.

Couldn't quit thinking
about me, could you?

No, that's not it.

Taryn had to go on an emergency call.

But maybe I did think
about you a little bit.

Okay, good, 'cause you really had
me sweating there for a while.

Well, you look good in sweat.

Ah. So you're saying you
want a summer wedding?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, everybody. I want to introduce you

to the owner of Kat's Cat Café.

Story Time was her idea.

In fact, this whole café was her idea.

A place where we can all come together,

have fun and be ourselves.

- Ms. Kat Silver!
- (APPLAUSE)

JACOB: (WHOOPS) We love you, Kat!

Beep. (LAUGHS)

Feel validated?

I don't need no stinking list.

- Ah!
- Cookies!

I need to cancel my membership.

Do you want to transfer your
membership to another location?

(CHUCKLES) Do I want
to eat glass for fun?

The answer's no. I just want to cancel.

Well, we require a
two-month notice to cancel,

and you just joined last week.

(LAUGHS)

Here's the thing, Kyle.

I joined this gym because I thought

I was gonna get my picture in the paper.

But it turns out, that's not happening.

And that's okay because I also realized

that your jingle just doesn't
apply to me, because...

♪ I was the me I've always dreamed of ♪

♪ Before I started coming here. ♪

So, I know this is hard
on the both of us,

but you got to let me go, Kyle.

Sorry, the cancellation
clause is very clear.

Okay.

Well, I'm, I'm guessing there were

some other clauses in
there, too, as well.

Like an inappropriate conduct clause

which might require you
to kick somebody out

if they, say, uh, threw
all your pens on the floor.

Or, uh, uh, what if I sexy-danced

with every gym friend
that comes in here?

Like this gym friend.
You need a sexy dance.

You need a sexy dance. You need... No?

No? Okay. Still nothing?

Uh, what if I were to, uh,
start doing the dolphin,

like, right in the middle of your lobby

for no apparent reason?

(IMITATING DOLPHIN SQUEAK)

SHEILA: Katharine?

Mother?

You're a member of this gym, too?

♪ I'm moving on ♪

♪ The sun is shining ♪

♪ And it's a brand-new day ♪

♪ I, I am go ♪

♪ We're living the moment ♪

♪ And it's a brand-new day ♪

♪ I'm moving on ♪

♪ The sun is shining ♪

♪ And it's a brand-new day ♪

♪ I, I am go ♪

♪ We're living the moment ♪

♪ And it's a brand-new day. ♪