01x01 - Sexi Moose Adventure

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[grunts] All right,
I've chopped this month's wood,

mended the fishing nets,
canned a batch of pepper jelly,

brainstormed
my Halloween costume.

I think people are gonna love me

as Sully from Monsters University.

And it's... : a.m.?
Kids'll be up soon.

Ooh, I almost forgot
to stare with wild wonder

at Alaska's majesty
while whispering "Hot dog."

[whispers] Hot dog.

- Dad.
- Moon. Drinking coffee again?

Yes. I am ten.

Besides, I was up all night
tracking a red squirrel

I believe ate some bologna
I was drying on the roof.

- You mean this guy?
- [chittering]

- You got him.
- I'll set him free

once I've had a few words
with him

about whose bologna
is whose around here.

Thank you, Father.

Good morning, Ham.
How'd you sleep?

[exhales]
Spectacularly.

I dreamt I tasted an ice cream
flavor called "buffet,"

and I awoke feeling complete.

And then I took a glorious dump.

WOLF: Sup, chumps?
[chuckles]

I'm just kidding.
Just fooling around.

Good morning,
brother, brother, Father.

Ah, the fiancés are up.

I've been thinking
about your wedding,

and I have some... one idea.

- We do it on the family boat!
- No. Mm-mm.

I picked out our wedding
theme a few months ago

on my drive, when I
moved here from Fresno.

I want to base the wedding
on my favorite romantic movie,

Brokeback Mountain.

It'll be in a giant tent.
Everyone's wearing jean jacket.

There'll be a lot
of loose sheep everywhere.

But no one will be quitting anyone.

And I'm inviting Jake Gyllenhaal.

But if he can't make it,
hopefully Maggie Gyllenhaal.

And if she can't make it,

then hopefully her husband,
Peter Sarsgaard.

And if he can't make it,
then Alexander Skarsgard.

- It was a very long drive.
- Well, speaking of celebrations,

as you all know, it's your
sister Judy's sweet today,

and I planned a celebration

that's every teenage girl's dream,

a full day out on the fishing
boat with her brothers and Dad.

No frills, no thrills...

just hard work and the feeling
of a birthday job well done.

Uh, should we at least look into
a clown who's afraid of water?

That could be fun.
He'd be all nervous.

Where is Judy anyways?

She said she wanted to have
a luxurious birthday morning

- and sleep in till : .
- How decadent.

- [alarm beeping]
- [gasps]

Good morning, Judy!

You are finally today,
you beautiful beast.

I went to sleep a child,
and I woke up a sophisticated

and artistic woman.

This is the year I trade in
my barrettes for berets.

But not literally,
because I need

to keep my hair off my face.

Ah, good morning, imaginary
best friend/inspiration

Alanis Morissette.

And good morning
to my best friend/inspiration

- Judy Tobin.
- Aw. Really?

Or are you just saying that
because it's my birthday?

- Yes. Happy birthday!
- Oh.

Well, I have
a big birthday announcement.

[mimics fanfare]

- [mimics fanfare]
- I got the job!

Well, Judy, I have
one hand in my pocket,

and the other one
is very proud of you.

You are looking at the newest
associ-ette photograph-ette

at the Point & sh**t Photo Studio,
conveniently located

at the most inspiring place
in all of Alaska!

- The mall.
- The mall.

Oh, the bouquet of perfume
samples at La Smell Hut.

The weird empty area between
the fountain and the directory.

The cute, slightly older boy
who works at Smoothie Boss.

The way his semi-tight pants
highlight his,

um, downstairs situation.

Yeah, you get it.
You specifically get it.

But, Judy,
did you tell your dad yet?

No. You know how he is
with change.

I mean, when Mom ran off
to Pennsylvania

to be with her lover Marcus,

my dad told us all
that she got eaten by a bear

in the Val-U-Buy parking lot.

But she's alive,
and we all know that. [groans]

And ever since then,
he just wants the whole family

to be together all the time.

It'll break his heart
if I can't be on the boat

from : p.m. to : p.m.
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

But... [scoffs]
Judy, get real.

You-you don't want to spend
your life catching fish

after fish after fish
after fish after fish

after fish.

- I know, but...
- After fish.

Oh, sorry. I thought you
were done. Are you done?

Look, there comes a time
in every young artistic

woman's life when she must
put aside her barrettes,

- put on her berets...
- I was just saying that earlier.

- ...and grab life by the ass.
- Yes.

I just need to take one
butt cheek of life in each hand,

spread 'em apart, and dive...

Oh!
[screaming]

Calm down, Judy!
Oh, God!

I got to calm down!
I have to calm down.

For safety.

[announcer voice] And now,

entering the kitchen,

-year-old Judy Tobin!

[normal voice] It's me. Hi.

I made pancakes
for the birthday girl.

And I made a portrait

of the whole family's
inner yearnings out of yarn,

and it's called Inner Yarnings.

[chuckles] Oh. That's going
right up on the fridge.

Everybody stuff up
with carbs and meats,

'cause it's gonna be
a real Nippy Nora

for the birthday boat party.

- Just how we Tobins like it.
- That's right, son.

From the day we chew ourselves

off our mother's umbilical cord

to the day a wild animal
eats us, we are fighters,

born to wrestle nature itself
into submission

year after glorious year.

My God,
this man can give a toast.

Now let's take a moment
of silence

for someone who can't
celebrate with us today,

your dear departed mother
Kathleen.

Is that the same fur bikini
your dad has in the guest cabin

with all the candles around it?

[whispers] It is.

- [clattering]
- Hark, some sort of beast

has entered our abode.

Line up behind me
in order of bravery.

[screams]

- Moose!
- BEEF: Everyone stay back.

Let me try
to get him out of here. Easy.

Does that moose have "sexin"
balloons in his antlers?

- Easy.
- Is that a sex moose?

That's not what... The balloons
spelled out "sixteen."

And they weren't supposed
to be on a moose!

How did a moose
even get in here?

Oh, moose can get in anywhere.

Last fall,
one got into the school gym

during a basketball game.

He made the winning basket and
then nearly k*lled the coach.

Yeah, moose are
super dangerous, my love.

But they're so big and cute,
like Jason Momoa.

I find him more brutally
handsome than cute, but...

Guys, please!
I'm trying to focus.

Dad, hold the moose.
I'll ride it out of here.

Moon, for the hundredth time,
you can't ride a moose.

- You can't ride a moose.
- [snorts]

- [bellowing]
- You ruined Judy's birthday balloons,

- you friggin' jerk!
- Wolf, no! Just let him go!

Oh, no! The moose got
Mom's pageant bikini!

- And her gorgeous hair extensions!
- JUDY: No! Sexi! Stop!

[sighs]

Those were the last things
we had of your mom's.

No, Dad, we still have...
uh, our memories.

- Like the day she left for Pennsyl...
- Uh, Pennsyl... heaven.

Uh, penc... uh, pencil heaven.

To be with the angels.
And the pencils.

Uh, because she was a saint
who is definitely dead.

Mm-hmm.
End of discussion.

If only being a saint
was enough to stop her

from being eaten to death
by a bear

on her way to buy medicine
for the children's hospital.

The children's hospital
accepts donated medicine?

Well, as much as I'd like
to track that moose down...

for the sport of it,
not because I'm obsessed

with your mother's things
that still smell

a little bit like her and that
I sometimes like to smell...

we can't let this ruin
Judy's big day.

Let's load up for the boat.

[whistling, crying]

[whispering] Psst, everyone,

family meeting right now.

Why are we whispering?

Because I don't want Dad to hear.

- And it's fun.
- Yes. Moon gets it.

So, has the meeting
started yet, or...?

No, I think this is just
sort of pre-meeting chitchat.

It is. Good eye.

Meeting starts... now.

[normal volume] So, uh,
Dad seems pretty upset

about that moose
taking Mom's stuff.

Therefore, Judy, you cannot tell
him about your new job today.

I mean, we could be headed
for a full-scale Beef-Melt.

What's a Beef-Melt?
That sounds delicious.

It's not. It's when
our dad has a freak-out.

He closes himself in his room,
he only eats icicles

and watches every season
of Gilmore Girls on a loop.

Yeah, we avoid Beef-Melts
at all costs.

He had his first one
when our mom left.

Even though she was
a really bad mom, okay?

And it was actually better
when she left.

Yeah. She named our dog Grandma
so she wouldn't be lying

when she said we were
with Grandma when people asked.

Oh. Remember when Grandma
got into the trash

and ate all those squeezable
yogurt wrappers?

She was the best.

So your dad pretends
your mom's dead,

- and you pretend to believe him?
- And we never talk about it,

- and we never will.
- Perfect system.

So, should I just never tell Dad
about my job?

I guess I could say
I have diarrhea every

Tuesday and Thursday from
: p.m. to : p.m.

for the rest of my life.

Good plan.
Uh, great plan, 'kay?

Okay, let's move out.

Judy, I'm really sorry
about your diarrhea.

- I just found out.
- Oh, it's...

Thank you. Thanks, Ham.

So, I guess if Judy
isn't gonna tell your dad

about her mall job yet,
you don't want to tell him

we want to move into the
guesthouse either, huh?

This is no time
for me to be moving away

from my family, Honeybee.

If I moved here
all the way from Fresno,

you can move into your backyard.

Okay. Fair point.

I'll talk to him
as soon as he's stable.

- [crying]
- Never gonna talk to him, are you?

[chuckles nervously]
I totally am.

Uh, uh, well, no. Yes.

BEEF: Okay, birthday girl.

Which one of our cassettes
do you want,

Madonna's Bedtime Stories

or songs from the TV show
She's the Sheriff?

I'll take those sweet
sheriff serenades, sir.

Hey, uh, Dad,
didn't you just miss

the turnoff for the marina?

First, we got to make a quick
birthday detour to the mall.

- The mall?!
- Yep! It's a big birthday surprise!

Hey, isn't the mall
where Judy got that job

we can't let Dad find out about?

- Or no?
- [whispers] Yes.

Now would be a great time
for you to get diarrhea, Judy.

- [whispers] For real.
- I'll do what I can.

[grunts, squeaks, exhales]

Just coming up farts over here.

BEEF: Come on, everyone, keep up.
I want you to see the look

on Judy's face
when she gets her gift.

Elevator in progress?

Well, we're all in progress
till we die, elevator.

What would Dad get me
at the mall anyway?

I mean, the only thing he likes
here are those cinnamon buns

that he gets at the food court
and then he unravels

and pretends
like it's a little snake.

That's not... I don't want that.

Well, he told me how proud
he was when Judy caught

that giant salmon and that
he wanted to commemorate it

with a framed photograph
from that...

what is it...
uh, Point & sh**t, I think?

ALL: What?

You mean the location
of Judy's secret job?

♪ ♪

Son of a beaver.
I'll slow him down.

And I'll run ahead
and I'll try to, uh,

go back in time and,
uh, k*ll... this mall!

Hey, Dad!
Did you see this indoor plant?!

That is an abomination.

We are gonna get you out
of here, buddy.

♪ ♪

♪ Crispin. ♪

Whoa, hey, Crispin...

- Oh. Hey, Rudy.
- Oh. It's, uh...

It's stupid, but it's actually Judy.

Judy is my name.
[chuckles] Yeah. Anyway,

it must be really fun
making... smoothies.

- It's terrible.
- WOLF: Judy, get your rear in gear!

- Trouble's a-near!
- Stay smooth! I mean, stay cool.

[chuckles]
Sincerely, comma,

- Judy.
- All right, my birthday bundle.

Are you ready
for your big surprise?

[quietly] Oh, God.

- ♪ Alyson ♪
- ♪ Ooh, that's right ♪

- ♪ Yeah. ♪
- Hot dog.

- Hello, Miss Lefebvrere.
- Oh, hello again, Beef.

I hope you don't mind, I took
the liberty of throwing in

a bow for an extra $ . .

[chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry.

- Make that... .
- [Beef coughs]

- Did you say " "?
- I clearly said... .

- Oh, wait, it's .
- Good Lord, that's a huge relief.

Oh, wait. No.
It was... .

- [groans] Damn it.
- Wow, something is not right

about the price of that bow.

How much is it? Tell me again.

Was it ? Or ?

They keep going back
between the numbers.

It was on the dot,
and you know it.

- God help me.
- Okay, here we go. This is done.

Just moving our legs
towards the exit.

And we're walking.

- Walking. Walking.
- Well, great to see you all.

- And Judy? [all gasp]
- Yeah?

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thanks. [all exhale]

- Oh, and Judy? [all gasp]
- Yeah?

- Oh! I forgot what I was gonna say.
- [all exhale]

Oh, now I remember.
I'll see you back here on Tuesday

for your shift
from : p.m. to : p.m.

- Damn it!
- Shift? What's she talking about, Judy?

Say she's talking
about your shift in perspective

and newfound positive outlook
on life.

- Say it, Judy. Say it.
- Dad, it's time for me to...

grab life's butt cheeks
by the hands and...

and, uh, take kind of
a deep dive into, uh...

What do you mean, Judy?
Is this another one

of your performance pieces?
One of your Improv Everywheres?

- I have a job at the mall now, Dad.
- You what...? You where...?

Judy's our newest associ-ette
photograph-ette here.

She's got an amazing eye
for photos and a head

for light cash register work.

Well, congratulations, Judy.

[grunts]

- Kathleen... Bikini...
- JUDY: I have a job at the mall now, Dad.

BEEF: Smoothie.
[grunts]

WOLF: The moose got
Mom's pageant bikini!

HAM: And her gorgeous hair extensions.

Dad, no! It's still in progress!

[elevator bell chimes]

Uh, Rudy?
Your dad's stuck in the elevator.

Well, it's a beautiful day to go
out on the boat. [chuckles]

- BEEF: Mm-hmm.
- Man, it doesn't, uh, matter

how much water
you put that thing in.

- It just floats, right?
- Say, if that picture's taking up

too much room, we can
just throw it into the ocean

like we do so many other things

- that are valuable to us as a family.
- It's fine.

Oh, hey, did you hear

about the new generator model
coming out next week?

Should be... Should
generate a lot. [chuckles]

Don't you have thoughts
about that, Dad?

BEEF: Not this minute, I don't.

[gasps]
Dad's gone mute on generators?

- Oh, this is bad.
- I know, let's list crustaceans.

- Honeybee, you go first.
- I don't know.

Crab? Crab dip? Squidward?

- Hiya, Beef!
- BEEF: Mm-hmm.

- Oh, hiya, Tobins.
- Hello.

- Hi, Londra.
- Nice fish.

No pressure,
but you still haven't RSVP'd

for my Tupperware party.
If I don't sell enough,

- I'll owe thousands to my mentor Sheryl.
- Not now, Londra!

HAM: All right, Dad.

Ready to get a handle
on these candles?

By lighting them?

Hmm.

[grunts]

You got this, Dad. You got this!

Should we just do virtual candles?
I have an app.

You can get 'em
to look like the Minions.

Dad's got it under control.

Yeah. We're gonna light
the candles with a match

just like we always do.

- Aren't we, Dad? Aren't we?
- [grunts]

You know, I was
counting on these matches

to do the one thing
they said they were gonna do,

and now they're just...

they're just getting
a job at the Point & sh**t!

- That's it. I'm quitting.
- What?

I'm quitting the job that
I haven't even started yet

so that everything
can just go back to normal.

- What?
- No! - No, Judy.

You can't give up on
something so important to you.

Just like moving
into Mom's old guest cabin

- is important to me and Honeybee.
- What?!

Well, you got
to know sometime, Dad.

- Also, I am gay.
- Ham, we know.

You've come out
to us a bunch of times.

- I have?
- Yes! And we love you

just the way you are, damn it!

Well, thank you for being an ally!
Why are we yelling?

Because I'm upset
about other stuff!

Namely that Judy's got another job

and Wolf wants to move
across town.

- It's the backyard, Dad.
- And all your mom's stuff

got stolen by a moose
and these matches won't light.

Moon, you got any secrets to share?

- Well, I know Mom's not really dea...
- No? Okay, great.

I need to... to use the restroom.
The toilet's still there, right?

Or did that change on me, too?
Is it a fridge now?

- Well, then, I'll poop in the fridge.
- Dad, no. It'll be so cold.

- No. Let him.
- Ooh!

For cents,
we can get little cat candles

that say "happy purr-thday."

That'll cheer your dad up
when he gets back.

He's not coming back.

I guess we're orphans now.

Maybe we can stop
by the animal shelter

on the way home
and get a new Grandma.

LONDRA: Huh.
That was a quick birthday party.

Yeah. Dad got mad and ran away.
Did you see him?

Yeah, I saw him pull up
in the rowboat.

He was muttering,
but I didn't think much of it.

Everyone around here mutters.

[all muttering]

All right.
Well, we got to go find him.

Okay. By the way,
there will be lemon squares

- at the Tupperware party.
- Not now, Londra!

You got it!

Okay, so it looks like Dad
went after that moose

- that snatched Mom's bikini.
- We've got snow machine tracks,

footprints, snowshoe prints,

and what looks like
waffle maker prints.

Oh, that clever son of a bitch
does not want to be found.

All right, let's all split up
and look for him.

Here's a flare g*n
for each of you.

Send one up if you find him.

Okay, Ham's works.
Great test.

Uh, try to save your flares
for when you need them, bud.

[chuckles] I'll try,
but they're so beautiful.

Good luck out there,
dear siblings.

Let's go trap a dad.

Sorry. Look how she shines.

♪ ♪

Headed right for the river.

You may be "sexi,"
but you're not smart.

- [wind whistling]
- Kathleen.

[screams]

Aah! Oh, my God! Broken foot.

That's okay.
I can push through this.

[screams] Nope.
No, that is Alaska broken.

[grunts]
Well, time to sit down

and await my death.
[sighs]

Damn it, Kathleen.
I've got to know.

Are you ever coming back to me?

Just-just give me a sign.

Okay. That was definitely a sign.
But was it a yes or no?

Let's do this. If I should
keep hoping you'll come back,

then send up another flare.

Uh, I'll-I'll just wait
a little bit longer.

Okay. There's my dad's
signature super long stride,

and he was probably following

these moose...
[gasps] Oh, my God! Dad!

- Judy?
- Are you hurt?

Yep, I'm hurt, and I'm stuck.
So just get out of here

and go and live a full
and productive

- life without me.
- What? No, Dad.

I'm just going to sh**t
off this flare to get help.

Then I'm going to go live

a full and productive life
with you.

[screams]
Sorry. Lost focus.

Man, this family
is not good at flares.

Just leave me here, Judy.
I have a broken foot

and a broken heart,
and my one job

was to keep my family together,
and I couldn't even do it.

I lost your mom, and then I lost

her hair extensions
and her fur bikini.

So, go and tell everyone
I d*ed doing what I loved:

- being your dad.
- No, the others will be here any minute.

I'm not leaving you.

Oh, please. You'll all leave me
sooner or later.

Dad.
[screams]

- [grunts]
- Damn it, Judy. What have I told you

about getting into a steeply
embanked ice chasm voluntarily?

- Not to do it.
- Right.

Dad, we know Mom's not dead.
But you didn't lose her.

She left, and it's not
because of something you did

or something we did. She just...
wanted to leave.

I don't... I don't know
what you're talking about.

She's in Pennsyl...
Pennsylvania.

There is no Pencil Heaven.

But if there was,
do you think they would be

in their little stub version
or their full form?

- Full form. No question. [crying]
- Dad, listen.

We don't want to run away.
We love being on the boat.

We just love other places, too,
and other things,

and that's normal.
You don't have to let us go.

- I just have to let you pursue outside interests.
- Grow.

Oh, I-I went
for the rhyme there.

- But... [chuckles] Yeah.
- WOLF: Dad!

- Judy!
- Dad's foot is broken!

- Regular broken or Alaska broken?
- Alaska broken.

- We got to boost him up.
- Copy that.

Ham, you stay up here and pull.
Honeybee, you're with me.

You bet I am, babe.

Okay, everybody.
Let's hoist this beefy boy.

- [all grunting]
- BEEF: Steady.

- [grunts]
- WOLF: Moose! [all scream]

My beautiful pants!

Okay, don't worry, everybody.
A moose isn't gonna charge

into a steeply embanked
ice chasm voluntarily.

- Oh, my God!
- [bellows]

[grunts]
Remember your training, Moon.

Oh, I hope I'm not making
a huge "moose-stake."

What is it with this guy?
[grunts]

He's like my-my Moby d*ck or...
Ow!

I'm-I'm his Moby d*ck?
I'm realizing

- I never actually read it.
- [shouts]

- I got Mom's bikini!
- [chuckles] Moon! You saved us!

I told you I could ride a moose.

BEEF: Children, I, uh, I'm
sorry I spent so many years

pretending your mother
was eaten by a bear.

I guess in retrospect,
I was going through something.

- It's okay, Dad.
- Hey, it was fun while it lasted.

This was your mom's
goodbye letter.

I never read it because
I didn't want it to be real,

but I'm gonna read it now.

Oh. It just says,
"Smell you later."

And there's a drawing
of either a middle finger

or a penis under it.

- I think it's a hand with penis fingers.
- Hey, you're right.

And, so,
we are gathered here today

to consecrate this goodbye
note and fur bikini.

- And may Kathleen and her lover...
- Marcus. Sorry.

I only know his name
because they keep a blog.

It's about stores that won't
chase you if you shoplift.

It's called Pittsburgh Stealers.

Well, may she and Marcus
be happy... ish.

I guess. Or whatever.

- Please come back, Kathy.
- Dad.

- Kidding.
- Were you?

No. But I'll get there.
Maybe.

So, if you're okay with
Mom being in Pennsylvania,

does that mean you're okay
with me and Honeybee

moving into the guest cabin?

You have my blessing.

I just hope a mysterious
ghost doesn't show up

and scare you back into the house.

Dad, please don't dress up
like a ghost

to try to scare us
back into the house.

[chuckles] I'll try my best.

Now, should we all go in
and finally celebrate

our special girl's birthday?

- Dad?
- Yeah, Jude?

Um, what about me
and-and the mall?

Of course I want you to work
at the mall, Judy.

I know you've got
your mother's creative side.

She loved Color Me Mine.

She robbed one once.

- Thanks, Dad. I love you.
- I love you, too, Judy.

Now, let's go eat some cake.

[sighs] Now, that's what I call
diving into life's butthole.

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air, hup ♪

♪ Catch some fish, oh ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow, hup ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

HAM: Ooh, I like the part
where we say "Hup."

♪ The Great North ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, hut, whoo ♪

♪ Hup, oh ♪

♪ Hey,
Whoo ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The Great North. ♪