01x11 - Moving In

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Pete. Guess what I have.

Uh, an upbeat attitude
that secretly annoys me?

Not so secret anymore. (LAUGHS)

I have receipts.

of them in fact.

And per your Pet Perks loyalty program,

I would like to redeem them
for my free bag of cat food.

(EXCLAIMS) Sorry, my hands are shaking.

It's kind of a big day.

Oh, yeah, um, that promotion is over.

What are you talking about?

The promotion and how it's over.

It takes a long time
to amass receipts.

Uh... We have a new promotion.

Buy one snake, get one free.

That's not a promotion, that's
a way to get rid of snakes.

A-And this isn't right.

I mean, I held up my end of the bargain.

I even made this fanny
pack to house my receipts.

I took a lot of grief for
wearing this fanny pack...

a few compliments, but a lot of grief.

What are you doing?

Bathing myself in your tears.

Can you believe this guy?

You know, Pete, I'm gonna
take this bag of cat food.

I earned it, I deserve
it, and I'm gonna take it.

Really? 'Cause it seems like
you're just standing there.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Heart racing, finding my courage, and...

Time to take what's mine.

You're being recorded
by security cameras.

Good. Justice should be recorded.

It looks like this.

♪

So I tossed the bag in
the back of my truck,

got in the truck, realized
it wasn't my truck...

which is really problematic

because I took a sip of the coffee...

- (ALL GROAN)
- ... got that all sorted out,

and then, when I turned
the key in my truck

to high-tail it out of there,
the perfect getaway song

just happened to be
playing on the radio.

BOTH: Was it "Getaway
Car" by Taylor Swift?

No way. You a Swiftie?

Don't call it that, but yeah.

Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone."

- That's much better.
- Uh, debatable.

Kat, you have got to be careful.

The karma gods will make you pay

for what you do not pay for.

Oh, I have no regrets.
Pete is a monster.

He tried to sell me two snakes.

That's how you end up
with a hundred snakes.

I know snake math.

CARTER: CJ keeps bugging
me to get a snake.

But I said, "Not until
you get your grades up.

And then still, no."

What's up with his grades?

They're not up.

Here's what it sounds like when
I make him do his homework.

"CJ, stop playing video games
and do your homework."

Then he says, "I want to
live with Mom full-time."

Then I put on some T. Swift
and think about my life.

Wait, Max can help CJ.

I would love to help. I was
voted Teacher of the Year

when I taught in that
remote village in Burma.

I mean, I was the only teacher
on that side of the mountain,

but I still think I would've gotten it.

Ugh, you guys, Daniel has to
go out of town for work again,

so he can't help me move in tomorrow.

- Oh...
- And I have to be out of my place

because I already told my
landlord what I really think

about his plumbing skills
and his biker shorts,

and no, he does not own a bike.

Oh, honey, I wish I could
help you move, but I can't,

and I have a pretty good excuse:

I don't like to help people move.

CARTER: And I don't think it would
be fair for me to help you move in

with your boyfriend when
we haven't had our moment.

Yeah, we're never gonna have a moment.

Randi, look no further.

The answer to your moving
problems is right here.

I've got a truck, a tape g*n,

and the calf strength of a longshoreman.

You're a weird lady.

Most people hate to help people move.

I'd rather get kicked by a horse.

Yeah, we got that, Phil.

So, Randi,

I don't mean to state the obvious here,

but a major component of
moving is actually moving,

and I can't help but notice
you're not really moving.

I'm sorry, I just got stuck
looking at these pictures.

I mean, I've seen them before,

I just never asked him about them.

Like, like, who are these two dudes?

Uh, well, that's Daniel, the
guy you're moving in with,

and the dude next to
him is Barack Obama.

Well, yeah, I know those two,
but-but what about these two?

And who is that old lady?
And what about this canoe?

Like, does Daniel own a canoe
or did he rent the canoe?

What's up with the canoe, Kat?

So, uh, first of all, that's a kayak.

And I'm sure that is not the
most important thing for me

to be pointing out right now,

but, you know, I think you're
just freaking out a little

because this is a really
big step for you.

I know, it's just hitting me
that I've only known Daniel

for six months and there's so much

I still don't know about him.

Have you ever lived with anyone before?

Well, just roommates.

And I did end up kissing one of them.

And then she got all
Single White Female on me

and I had to move out, cut
my hair, change my phone.

It was a whole thing.

Well, has Daniel ever
lived with anybody?

Oh, I don't think so.

He told me I was the first person

that he sees a real future with.

Which is also what Single
White Female used to tell me,

so maybe I'm just a really great kisser.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh. It's Oscar.

He sent me another picture of
himself without a shirt on.

He wants me to send him
a sexy picture of me.

Should I send him my professor headshot?

Uh, no, girl. I don't think
that's what he means by sexy.

Well, I'm wearing glasses.
It has a certain something.

Just send him a quick nip pic.

I'll look away.

Wh... I can't do that.
I can't even say that.

Come on, that is Old Kat talking.

New Kat robbed a pet store.

New Kat isn't afraid to send a nip pic.

You know what? You're right.

New Kat is gonna step
outside her comfort zone.

- Okay.
- New Kat is gonna blow his mind.

- Right?
- New Kat is gonna do that

by showing one boob through the bra

- 'cause it's just her first time.
- (LAUGHS)

Now you're talking.

Just make sure you use the bigger one.

Wait... How do you know
I have a bigger one?

We all have a bigger one.

It's your right one.

Oh... Oh.

Oh.

Well, that is a lot more
alarming than a canoe.

I mean, Randi started spinning out

from a picture of Daniel in a kayak.

I don't think she'll take very kindly

- to one of him kissing a mystery bride.
- Hmm.

You were right to come to me.

Who else have you told?

Just you and Buttons here,
my emotional support cat.

I use her a lot when I get
off the phone with you.

I told you to get your own membership

to FindHisBackground.com.

It's very handy.

You know, my neighbor, to the east?

Been arrested twice for petty theft.

That's why I won't put
out lawn ornaments.

Well, you missed your calling, Mother.

You should have been in the CIA.

How do you know I'm not?

Because you've never worn an outfit

that blended into anything or anywhere.

Maybe Randi knows Daniel
was married before.

You said he's a bit older than her.

No, I don't think so.

He told her she was the first person

he could see a future with.

Okay, so he's a liar.

Or there's another explanation
we haven't even thought of.

Yeah... Maybe I should just let this go.

Not so fast.

Katharine, he could be a polygamist.

I mean, if Randi's gonna be a
sister wife, she should know,

and more importantly,
what number she'll be.

You do not want to be number five.

All right. Now, what's
Daniel's last name?

(SIGHS)

Waxmore.

There's no turning back now, Buttons.

Hold me.

What's up, big-ass hobbit?

Have you seen Max?

(HOBBIT VOICE): Oh, Max left the Shire.

He's on a great quest.

Might I be of help?

Don't do that. That's creepy.

Do what?

(REGULAR VOICE): I got
these when I was reading

Lord of the Rings with my students.

Found my old teaching bag.

Got some reward stickers in here.

Got... ooh, my big red praise button.

WOMAN (OVER DEVICE): Nice job.

You're awesome.

I wouldn't mind if that
button was my next wife.

- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
- Hey.

Thanks again for doing this, by the way.

Oh, no problem. I'm getting
excited to tutor CJ.

Well, that makes one of you.

He said he doesn't need school
to become a professional gamer.

He's actually right.

Some of them make millions
of dollars a year.

Whose side are you on, man?

(HOBBIT VOICE):
Hobbits don't take sides.

But we do take second breakfast.

Hey, honey, let's get
kinky in the bedroom.

WOMAN (OVER DEVICE): Great idea.

I'm-a put a ring on her finger.

Phil, is Randi in? And if she is,

did she seem like she might be
open to earth-shattering news?

She's not here yet.

- What's wrong?
- I can't say. It's very, very personal.

I discovered that her boyfriend
was officially married

when he was and there's
no record of divorce.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

He's gonna k*ll her.

What? No.

I didn't discover that he's a m*rder*r.

Yet.

But once you start lying
and having affairs,

it's a slippery slope

to stuffing somebody in
a barrel full of acid.

- RANDI: Hello, hello, hello.
- Oh, hi.

Wow, you look so... happy and vibrant.

Well, that's because this morning,

Daniel brought me breakfast in bed

and he gave me a massage
and ran me a hot bath.

So basically, I have been grubbed,
rubbed and scrubbed.

(KAT CHUCKLES)

You know, I'm a tub person, too.

People like their showers,
but I like my tubs.

Anyway, I really need
to use our facilities,

because I haven't figured
out the bathroom acoustics

at my new place yet and
I got a little potty shy.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, here's that popcorn
salt you asked for.

Oh, thank you. I don't know
when they're gonna allow me

back in that store.

I swear I thought that
woman was choking.

So, what are you gonna do about Randi?

Well, I am not gonna tell her.

What do you mean,
you're not gonna tell her?

- You didn't let me finish.
- Yes, I did.

Your inflection definitely
implied that you were done.

Well, I intended it as an ellipsis.

I'm not gonna tell
her... dot, dot, dot...

just yet.

But you have to tell her

because I cannot keep secrets.

When my brother Larry Bo told
me that he stole that heifer,

he swore me to silence.

But the police knocked on the door.

I said, "Larry Bo did it. It was him.

- It was Larry Bo."
- Did they arrest him?

Yes, ma'am, they did. But you know what?

He found God in prison,

and now my mama likes to say,

"I wish the rest of y'all
were more like Larry Bo."

Ooh. Pisses me off.

Well, I will tell Randi
when the moment is right.

And I'm not exactly sure
when that moment will be.

Might be today, might be tomorrow,

might be on a long car ride
after she's fallen asleep.

RANDI: Ah, much better.
How you doing today, Phil?

- Daniel's been married!
- Phil!

I'm sorry, it came out like a sneeze.

Wait, what is he talking about?

Uh, when I was helping
you move at Daniel's,

I-I accidentally knocked
a book down and...

... found this.

What the hell?

He never said he was married.

I know, so I did some
research with my mom

and he does have a marriage
certificate on record.

He also has great credit, so, you know,

good points, bad points.

Wait, so you told your mother
and Phil about this before me?

And I heard snippets of it.

I-I just didn't want to add
more stress to your life.

Well, do you know what
would be less stressful?

You not snooping through
my boyfriend's stuff.

Hey, I wasn't snooping.

I really wish I hadn't
stumbled on that picture.

It's been really stressful for me, too.

Oh, so I'm supposed to
feel sorry for you now?

Hey, why are you mad at me?

I mean, shouldn't you
be upset with Daniel?

Oh, I can be upset with more
than one person at a time.

It's a special skill I have.

I told you that the universe
would seek its revenge

after you stole that cat food.

That was one heck of
a karmic bitch slap.

This is not an admission of guilt, Pete.

I am returning this to
remind the universe

what a good person I am,

so that the universe
will remind my friend.

That'll be $ . .

Hey, CJ. How's it going?

Have you gotten taller
since I saw you last?

Me, I'm great. Got bit by a spider.

Now I have superpowers.

Probably use them for good.

Maybe not.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Hello?

Dude, pay attention to the real world.

CARTER: CJ, how did you
get your phone back?

I took his phone and hid it in my sock.

And he replaced it with a deck of cards.

Ta-da.

(CHUCKLES) I got it.

- What are you playing?
- Island Hoppers.

Oh. I love that game.

I just paved one of
my streets with gold.

No way. How did you do that?

Have a lot of free time
for a man my age.

All right, tell you what.

Why don't you put your phone
down, you give me minutes,

and then I'll invite you over
to my island to go fishing.

- Cool?
- Okay.

All right, so let me see your homework.

(SNIFFS)

Awesome filing system.

Ooh... smells like chocolate.

Ah, and there's the chocolate.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, as I was leaving the pet
store, I got a text from Randi,

and I thought it was the karma
gods answering my prayers.

But she just said, "I need you
to give me some space."

Like, what do you think that means?

I think it means she might
want some space.

But then she said, "I'm not
coming in to work tomorrow."

Like, what do you think that means?

Ooh, that one's harder.

I'm not good at giving
people their space.

You know, my instinct is to just
casually show up at her door

and, when she answers it,
handcuff myself to her.

You have handcuffs?

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, I have handcuffs.

They came with my magic kit.

Interesting. What else
don't I know about you?

I think the real question is,

what don't I know about you?

I mean, have you ever
had a secret marriage?

No. But, cards on the table,
I was arrested once.

Tell me more. Am I dating a bad boy?

A menace to society?

I did about minutes in mall jail once

for swiping pennies from the fountain.

Those are people's wishes.

- I'm not proud.
- (LAUGHS)

What about you? Any secrets?

Well, I took a somewhat
risqué picture for you,

and I-I never sent it.

What? Why don't you send it?

I just got distracted
by the Randi stuff.

And, like, maybe I'm a little shy.

- Send it to me. Please?
- Oh.

(SPUTTERS) Okay.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(CHUCKLES): Oh!

Max sent me a picture of Carter's kid.

Oh, he looks just like Carter.

Will you stop stalling?
I have to drive around

and deliver packages for hours.

I need that picture to
get me through my shift.

Okay, okay. I'll just...

I'm gonna do it from over here.
I'm still feeling a little shy,

so I'll just... I'll be over here.

Just down here.

Okay, it sent. (SQUEALS)

So?

Speechless?

That could be a good
thing or a bad thing.

Which is it, good or bad?

Neither. I just haven't gotten it yet.

Oh. That's weird.

Maybe it's taking a minute to load

'cause the Internet can't
believe what it's seeing.

- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
- Ooh!

I'll just resend it. Did you get it?

No.

How about now?

Nope.

"... continued growth of
the electric car industry."

Very good. And fun fact,

before Tesla was a car,

he was a dude who invented
a lot of cool stuff

and had a very sharp-looking mustache.

- Really?
- Yep. Here, take a look.

(PHONE CHIMES)

That's not a guy.

That's a lady with no shirt on.

- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
- (CHUCKLES)

Do not look at your phone!

I saw it. Actually, we saw it.

Hi there.

Hello.

- Honey, that's hardly p*rn.
- Okay, thank you.

I feel so much better.

That bra you got on gives
you more coverage

than my mama's old bathing costume.

Okay, well, that was my sexy bra.

I remember it had snaps in the crotch

so she could go to the outhouse.

- Hey.
- Hi. So,

obviously, that picture
was meant for Oscar.

- Yeah, I figured. Lucky guy.
- (CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

Did you think it looked like I was
wearing a vintage bathing costume?

Because I have one of those,

and it's completely different, Phil.

No, you looked great.

But that picture wasn't meant for me,

- so that's all I'm gonna say about that.
- (CHUCKLES)

And hopefully Oscar finally got one,

because I got ten of them.

Yeah, I kept trying to
resend it to Oscar.

- Yeah, I figured that out around picture eight.
- (CHUCKLES)

Does Carter hate me now
'cause I traumatized his son?

No, he said you got CJ finally
interested in learning again.

Actually, I came over to thank you

for volunteering me to help him.

It just reminded me of
how much I love teaching.

(HOBBIT VOICE):
Did you use your hobbit voice?

(HOBBIT VOICE):
Not with CJ. He wasn't ready.

- (NORMAL VOICE): Well, you're welcome.
- (NORMAL VOICE): Oh, by the way,

I heard about what happened with Randi.

You did? How?

Well, after she stormed out of here,

she came over to the
bar, took three sh*ts,

- and called you a few names.
- Oh.

Yeah, she's pretty mad.

I'm just trying to give her her space.

Well, that's not you.

You're more of a "chase them down,
push them into a snowbank,

and sit on them until they
talk about it" person.

I only did that because you
weren't answering my calls

about going to see Celtic Thunder.

My silence was the answer.

Randi?

Randi, open the door.

I've given you enough space.

I cannot believe you brought me here.

You know I'm conflict-averse.

My barber has been calling
me Jethro for years.

I just answer to it.

Well, she'll yell at me
less if you're here

because you have resting sad face.

Plus, you owe me for spilling the beans.

You put the beans in my mouth.

You know I can't hold my beans.

I'm not leaving here
without talking to you.

Oh, I see your window
is open a little bit.

I think I'm just gonna
stick my head in here.

Maybe we can talk that way.

Come on, Phil. We're going in.

Oh, Lord.

I'm gonna be sharing a prison cell

with Larry Bo soon enough.

(SCOFFS)

- (SCREAMS)
- Oh! Oh, Phil!

Help. Phil. Oh.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, Lord.

I haven't been between a woman's legs

since the day I was born.

It's like working a wheelbarrow.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh!

That's my phone. Can you grab it?

- It's Randi.
- Oh, answer it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Randi. It's Phil.

I'm with Kat. Where are you?

She's at your place.
It sounds like she's crying.

Oh, no. Uh, tell her
I'll be right there.

Randi, honey? She'll be right there.

Oh, and this may cheer you up.

I just had my first
heterosexual experience.

(KAT SCOFFS)

So, does that mean you're breaking up?

I think so.

And it's not even
because he was married.

He said she was his college girlfriend

and they got hitched at one
of those -hour places

at the last minute.

Hmm. She was wearing
an awfully fancy dress

for a last-minute wedding.

It came with the package,

and it was Velcro'd up the back.

Velcro is amazing.

Why do we use anything else?

Anyway, they got it
annulled after a month.

Records of annulment are not
kept on file by the state

or on FindHisBackground.com, apparently.

And all of that I could
have been okay with.

But what I wasn't okay with

was him telling me that
I was overreacting

and that I needed to calm down
and-and not worry so much.

And then suddenly, I start
seeing an entire future of him

telling me how to feel,

and no one tells Randi how to feel.

Have I ever told you how to feel?

- A couple times.
- I won't do it again.

But there is one thing
that I do need you to do.

If you ever have a problem with
me or find out something about me,

you come to me first.

That's girl code.

You're right. I'm sorry.

And I'm not gonna lie,
I love that we have a code.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You can stay here as
long as you need to.

We can hang out after work, booze it up.

We can share each other's jeans
like that movie. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES): You are so weird.

But I owe you.

I love you, too.

I-I said I owe you.

(LAUGHS): Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.

I owe you, too.

Oh, geez,

you're gonna go all Single
White Female on me, aren't you?

(LAUGHS)

(MUTTERS)

Here's the deal, Pete.

My girl Kat went through all the
trouble of collecting receipts

in a fanny pack that she made herself.

Pretty proud of that pack, Pete.

And then you up and cancel
the loyalty program

out of nowhere, which was
really upsetting for her.

I lost sleep, Pete.

RANDI: And when my friend is upset,

I get upset. So let me tell
you what's gonna happen, Pete.

Kat is gonna take that bag
of cat food that you owe her,

and in return, I am gonna give you

a punch card to our café.

After ten punches,
you get a free coffee.

And do you know why, Pete?

Because we keep our promises, Pete.

Mm-hmm.

KAT: So, here we go,

taking what is owed to us.

And if I was you, I would stay
behind that counter, Pete.

I learned how to whup a little ass

in my cardio boot camp.

Oh!

We meant that, Pete.

("BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYING)