01x12 - Salsa

[bunniefuu]

Okay. One, two, three.

(GRUNTING)

That was a tie if I've ever seen one.

Not that I can see that far.

- I really shouldn't be driving.
- (CHUCKLES)

Good job.

How 'bout that? My former crush, Max,

and my boyfriend, Oscar,
getting along like gangbusters.

Hey. Want to try my homemade salsa?

You just poured it out of a jar.

Hey. Want to try my home-poured salsa?

(CHUCKLING)

Mm. Speaking of salsa,

do you want to go salsa
dancing with me sometime?

Um, yes!

And be warned...

(CHUCKLES): I am a great salsa dancer!

At sleepaway camp, I had to choose
between salsa and archery,

and I chose salsa,

'cause Hunger Games hadn't come out yet

and we didn't know how
cool archery could be.

Well, I am excited to
go dancing with you.

I used to go with my ex-girlfriend
all the time. We had a lot of fun.

I hope that's not weird,
to bring up my ex.

No! Of course not.

Everybody has a past.

I ain't scared of no ghost. (CHUCKLES)

What do you mean, "ghost"?
She's not dead.

No, she's not. I have
no idea why I said that.

Oh, Katharine.

You found a real winner with this Oscar.

KAT: He and I are gonna
go salsa dancing.

Do you remember when I did
salsa at sleepaway camp?

Polka.

No, it was salsa.

It was polka.

I remember the recital.

I had to buy you lederhosen.

Oh.

That's right.

They chafed. (HISSES)

♪ ♪

Hey.

I'm about to do a thing

where I keep bugging you
until I get what I want.

So it's just a normal day then?

I got a Groupon for a
beginner salsa class,

and I didn't realize I have
to bring my own partner.

I thought "BYOP" meant
"bring your own paella."

Couple things. Uh, that's
something you should be doing

with your boyfriend, and...

No, it's just the one thing.

Well, I can't ask Oscar.

I'm trying to get good at it
before I go dancing with him.

You can't ask the person
you're trying to impress

to help you impress them.

- Max, please?
- You'll be fine.

You're a good dancer.

Yeah, but I've never done salsa.

And he used to do it
with his ex-girlfriend,

so, in my mind, it's like she's
challenged me to a dance battle,

which I cannot lose.

I'm really sorry, Kat, but I'm
already a good salsa dancer.

So taking a beginner class
sounds muy boring.

- Wait, you salsa?
- Mm-hmm.

I picked it up when I
was living in Barcelona.

Brigitte and I would hit the
salsa clubs all the time.

We were known as les
meilleurs à la salsa.

Wh-What does that mean?

It means our chemistry
electrified the dance floor

and people would stare,
wishing they were us.

That little phrase means all that?

Well, if you're so advanced,
why don't you teach me then?

You've been saying you
want to do more tutoring.

Tutor away! Show me
all your salsa moves...

mild, medium and extra spicy.

Come on, Max. Just, like, two lessons.

Uh, I don't think so.

Oh, I get it.

Get what?

- You don't know how to salsa.
- (SCOFFS)

You lied about it to get
out of going to the class

and now you're just doubling down.

I know how to salsa.

Yeah, I-I don't think you do.

I mean, I've watched a lot of videos,

and you can just tell when someone
has that salsa de fuego.

Oh, I have the salsa de fuego,

and it is muy caliente.

Tonight.

- At : .
- Okay then.

Tonight at : .

I'll believe it when I see it.

(CHUCKLES)

Randi, honey, I'd be careful
drinking that much caffeine.

That's how we induce labor
if a sow's past her due date.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I tried counting sheep,

but then they all had Daniel's face,

and I got so mad.

You want one of my
mama's sleeping pills?

She left some at my house.

I always wait till she's
zonked-out on one

before I cut her toenails
or she might kick me.

See this tooth?

Fake.

I'm willing to try
anything at this point.

Okay, I'll bring some tomorrow.

But you be careful.

I took one on a flight to Lubbock.

I thought I went to the bathroom.

I actually peed in the
middle of the aisle.

Had to spend the rest of the
flight zip-tied to my tray table.

Hey, Randi. Check it out.

I just got the cutest dress
to go dancing with Oscar.

Ooh, that's hot.

But you know that thing's not
gonna make you dance any better.

It's not like the suit from Iron Man.

Yes, I've got that covered.

Max is gonna teach me.

Uh, do you really think
that's a good idea,

considering that you've
had a crush on Max

- for the past two decades?
- (SIGHS)

I've given it a lot of thought,
and here's why it's fine.

I'm completely falling for Oscar.

So, right now, every
other man in the world

is just a sexless "blech"
in a baseball cap.

Oh, uh, not you.

Not him. He's not a sexless "blech."

- (MOUTHS)
- (PHIL SHRIEKS)

Oh, my Lord, child, it's a miracle.

- What, Phil?
- What's a miracle?

This bun looks exactly like
the Holy Mother herself.

- Looks like Dolly Parton.
- Exactly!

That's what I said.

Did you bake it like that on purpose?

No! She just magically appeared.

The spitting image

of Dolly from the October
cover of Playboy.

I remember, 'cause that's the only time

- I bought that filthy magazine.
- (KAT CHUCKLES)

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

Now, I want you to imagine

a string coming out of the top
of your head, like a puppet.

Ooh, I like marionettes.

I still have my favorite,
Lady Juniper, upstairs.

- Kat, I don't care.
- Okay.

Now...

(INHALES) think about the string

and look at me.

(LAUGHS)

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I'm just having a laugh.

'Cause, like, I'm looking at
you but, like, we're staring...

Kat, be serious.

With salsa, eye contact is the way

- to connect with your partner.
- Okay.

- (INHALES)
- Huh?

- I'm gonna be looking at you...
- Mm-hmm.

... but I'm gonna be
thinking about cats.

- Don't think about cats.
- Oh, it's already happening.

♪ ♪

Focus.

- Listen to the music.
- Okay.

- There you go. You're getting it.
- Oh, look at me.

Making my salsa.

Chopping my onions.

Adding my lime juice. (GIGGLING)

What did I say about jokes?

Not to make them.

And what did I say about eye contact?

To have it.

Good.

Now...

keep the hips moving in time.

Feel the rhythm

and let my body tell your
body where it should go.

♪ ♪

("SWIFT CUBANO" BY JUAN
ZAVALA AND EDDIE GREY PLAYING)

♪ ♪

Remember when I didn't think Max
teaching me would be a problem?

I'm starting to see the problem.

Problem solved.

(PANTS) Where'd that come from?

From me.

Feeling the rhythm,

telling my body where it should go.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (GRUNTS)

Randi, it's : in the morning.
What are you doing out here?

(CHUCKLES) I couldn't sleep,
so I figured I'd go for a run.

Sounds like you got ex-somnia.

Don't you mean "insomnia"?

If you're thinking about
your ex, it's ex-somnia.

Yeah, well, then that's what I got.

You know, I've been
trying online blackjack

for my ex-somnia.

Getting my drink on
helps a little bit, too.

Yeah.

You might be right.

I think I'm gonna go check
out this cute little bar

that's still open down the street.

- Jog your ass in here.
- (CHUCKLES)

Mother, did you get my message
about Phil's Dolly bun?

Why do you think I'm here?

Oh, Phil, my pageant friend Jeannie

is Dolly's new publicist,

so I shared the picture
with her on Insta,

and she showed it to Dolly.

Oh, Sheila.

If you are pulling my leg,

I'll cut yours off and slap
you across the face with it.

I am not kidding!

And she said Dolly's performing
tonight at the Opry

and if we can get down to Nashville,

she'll take a picture
with us and the bun

after the show.

Meeting Dolly's on my whistle list.

I worship the ground she walks on.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, Kat! Please, can I leave?

Of course. You can't pass
up an opportunity like that.

And don't forget to tell Dolly
Parton about Dolly Purr-ton.

PHIL: Oh, thank you!
Thank you, thank you!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm, uh, literally sore.

Like I worked out last night.

- Like I did leg day.
- (CHUCKLES)

Can you stop smiling at me like that?

You're making me feel exposed.

I'll try.

- Nope, not possible.
- (LAUGHS)

Uh, and I have class tonight,
so I won't see you.

But I will be thinking of you

and thinking of last night.

Well, I can't stop you from thinking,

so think away.

(CHUCKLES)

Randi. Randi.

Can I run a moral quandary by you?

You know how I had that salsa
lesson with Max last night?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, afterward,

I had a particularly sensual,
consensual evening with Oscar.

Kat, we're roomies. I heard everything.

It sounded like y'all was installing
hardwood floors in there.

Okay. Not embarrassed by that at all.

Well, I-I'm feeling a little guilty

because I think I may have transferred

some of the spiciness of
salsa with Max to Oscar.

It was just really...

Wh-What was that for?

I told you you were playing with fire.

I had to put you out.

Okay, but I-I don't want to be with Max.

I want to be with Oscar.

The problem is you didn't tell Oscar

that you were dancing with Max.

- (SIGHS)
- Or getting heated up by Max.

And unless you're planning
a surprise party,

you should hide nothing
from your partner.

Okay, but what...

Nothing.

Hey, teach.

Great dance lesson last night.

Thank you, thank you.
Great learning last night.

(CHUCKLES)

- I actually have to cancel...
- I have to cancel tonight.

- Why can't you make... (LAUGHS)
- Why can't you make... (LAUGHS)

You go first.

Well, honestly...

it felt a little bit like
I was cheating on Oscar.

Like, 'cause I was
dancing with another guy.

- Even though it's you.
- Yeah, no, that makes sense.

I felt a little weird, too.

- Especially 'cause it's salsa.
- (EXHALES)

Exactly. Like, if it were polka,

we wouldn't even be having
this conversation, you know?

Polka's a lot more oom-pah-pah,
a lot less "ooh, papi."

(CHUCKLES)

You know what would be great?

- Hmm?
- Is if you had a girlfriend

and the four of us could
all go dancing together.

You know? Get on that.
Get yourself a girlfriend.

Well, I'm working on it.

Oh, really? With who?

With Brigitte.

I'm actually making a little
progress on that front.

Oh. That's great.

Yeah, in fact, I'm thinking
about surprising her

in Paris this summer.

Like... (INHALES) Like,
a big, grand gesture.

Probably something on the Eiffel Tower.

Wow, that sounds so romantic.

That way, if she rejects me,
you know, I can just...

boop.

You're gonna push her off?

I'm just saying, it gets windy up there.

(LAUGHS)

Your friend says that
when we get to the Opry,

we give the password
to the security guard.

"Hard Candy Christmas."

Then we can pull right up
to her tour bus! (CHUCKLES)

(BOTH SQUEAL)

- (CHUCKLES)
- You know, I never told Katharine, but...

I had a bit of the baby
blues after I had her.

So I would play Dolly's "I Will
Always Love You" on a loop

to remind me how I was supposed
to feel about my baby.

And eventually, I did.

The song that got to me
was "Coat of Many Colors."

If I ever opened a bakery,

I was gonna call it
Coat of Many Crullers.

Guess what our hours were gonna be.

: to : ?

Bingo. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, oh. Uh-oh.

Looks like we're hitting
a bit of traffic.

Oh, it's probably just
a bend in the road.

Nothing to worry about.

(SIREN WAILING)

Nope.

Still not gonna worry.

(SIGHS) I have been
watching salsa videos

for the past three hours.

It started with instructional videos,

but then it turned into salsa fails.

I watched a guy try and
salsa with a kangaroo.

The kangaroo was not having it.

Grabbed that guy by the collar,
kicked him right in the nuts.

Ooh, that sounds horrible.

Can you send me that video?

Yeah, no problem.

Every time I close my
eyes, I see salsa fails.

I don't know how I'm gonna get to sleep.

Oscar's working.

I don't know why I'm
looking in the fridge.

Hey, do you want to watch
a movie with the sound off

and make the people
say whatever we want?

Uh, no, I'm okay.
I'm gonna go for a run.

They've been helping me relax.

Hmm. I don't like you running at night.

You know, I have a holiday sweater

that has real lights on
it that you could wear.

Oh, but then you'd be
running in an itchy sweater.

Never mind. Have fun.

(CHUCKLES): Don't worry,
I'm not going that far.

And if you're having
problems getting to sleep,

why don't you take one of
Phil's mama's sleeping pills.

- Oh. All right.
- All right.

- Have a good time.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Have a good night. Bye.
- Be safe.

"Take as needed"?

Hmm.

(SNORING)

BRIGITTE: Wake up, cheater.

Brigitte?

What are you doing here?

I am very mad at you.

You have been dancing with my boyfriend.

I told him I am not dancing
with him anymore.

Oh!

I even told him that I wished
that you were here

so we could all hang out together.

That is very generous.

I like you on sleeping pills. (CHUCKLES)

I don't think they're working.
I'm not even tired.

Mm.

You know, I found your therapy website.

I see your name.
I see your e-mail address.

But I don't see any pictures of you

'cause Max said you
have so many stalkers.

Yes. I even tried to post a
weird one of me mid-sneeze.

- But no. The stalking continued.
- Mm.

I see a picture, oh, of a happy
couple staring at a waterfall.

You know... (SMACKS LIPS)

That makes me thirsty.
That makes me want root beer.

Do you want some root beer? I got a guy.

I would love root beer
if it tastes like wine.

You know what?
I'll just get you some wine.

Then you are picking up
what I am putting down.

(LAUGHS)

(HORNS HONKING)

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Ah.

Oh, your friend says

that Dolly is halfway through her set.

If things pick up,
we could still make it.

- I'm starving, Phil.
- Me, too.

I have an antacid that I was
not gonna tell you about.

But I will split it with you.

You know, if we're stuck here
much longer, we could...

Do not even think about it, Sheila.

I'll slice you like a Honey Baked Ham.

You just lost your half.

Okay, so, you have to
split those eights.

- Okay.
- Okay, now hit here.

Stay. Now hit this one.

- Ooh, that's what I'm talking about.
- (CHUCKLES)

Told you. My grandpa taught
me how to play blackjack.

It's how I put myself
through grade school.

(CHUCKLES) I kept trying to get Daniel

to go down to the riverboat
with me, but he kept saying,

"Gambling is a frivolous
waste of money."

You know, the more I think about it,

the more I realize that he had
a big old stick up his butt.

You need to be with somebody easygoing

and knows how to have fun like you do.

Mm-mm. Randi doesn't need to be

with anybody but Randi right now.

I get that. And Carter is only
dating Carter for a while.

(CHUCKLES): And why is that?

'Cause CJ can't stand
his mom's new boyfriend.

And listening to him
complain about that dude

is the best part of my weekend.

- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. I can't get a girlfriend

and give Stephanie
that same satisfaction.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I just
need to start having some fun

where feelings don't ruin it.

Like a friends with
benefits type situation?

Well, I don't know if that ever
really works out for anybody.

Yeah. It's the kind of thing
you dream about, though.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

Uh-oh, busted.

Hey, Kat. What's going on?

RANDI: Hey.

Uh, are you okay, Kat?

♪ Everybody dance now. ♪

Uh...

Kat.

You don't even see me.

♪ Root beer is the best beer. ♪

Uh-oh.

She must have taken one of
Phil's mama's sleeping pills,

and she's having a reaction.

You mean tripping her balls off.

I'm gonna make sure she gets home okay.

Okay. Okay.

Damn.

I just got Kat-blocked.

Hey. I brought you some coffee.

What happened in here?

Uh, you did.

You were sleepwalking last night.

After my run, I found you
trying to get into the Middle C.

I was sleepwalking?

Yeah, you were. And then,
when I brought you back,

you insisted that we bring
all the cats upstairs

because they had never seen your room

and you wanted to sleep
under a cat blanket.

Uh, it must have been
the sleeping pills,

'cause I don't remember any of that.

Any of it?

Like, like, none of it?

I vaguely remember
braiding Brigitte's hair,

but that's it.

Wait, Max's ex-girlfriend, Brigitte?

Never mind. Hey, Mr. Mousekers,
this is my hand-carved bed.

It's been passed down for generations.

And you remember Randi.

(YAWNING): From downstairs.

I can't believe we missed her.

I can't believe we urinated
in front of each other.

Twice.

I'm still hungry, Phil.

Me, too. I'm so delirious,

I thought I saw Dolly in
the mirror a minute ago.

Maybe she was sending us a sign.

She'd want us to eat her.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- She's inside of us now.
- Mm-hmm.

She's nourishing us

like she nourished us our entire lives.

It'll remind us to be more like Dolly.

To be kinder.

To be more generous.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh. It's Jeannie.

Mm. Oh, she says Dolly's decided to do

a second night at the Opry.

Mm, so we can take our
time getting there.

Spit it out.

- Hmm?
- Spit it out right now,

or I'll reach in there
and I'll pull it out.

(SQUEALS): What?

I'm gonna put her back together.

- Mm.
- I will use your saliva as the glue.

- Mm-mm. (MUTTERS)
- Spit it out, Sheila.

So, you going for a run tonight?

I haven't decided.

So, I shouldn't read
too much into the fact

that you drew a heart in my foam?

(CHUCKLES) It just does that
when you pull the milk away.

- Mm-hmm.
- (CHUCKLES)

KAT: Hey.

- Hey. You look good.
- Thanks.

- Yeah.
- RANDI: Ooh!

Kat, you look incredible,

- whether you can salsa or not.
- KAT (CHUCKLES): Thanks.

I'm actually feeling really positive

about my salsa dancing abilities.

The lesson with Max,

all those videos that I watched,

it really sunk into my brain.

Like, I woke up this morning
able to do moves

I couldn't even do yesterday. Like this.

- RANDI: Ooh.
- (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, and, uh, and this.

Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, hey, Max.
- What the hell did you do?

Oh, I just dipped a cat. (CHUCKLES)

Brigitte called me and said
some American woman

wrote her a long e-mail about
how I'm a mess without her

and I'm gonna go declare my love
for her on the Eiffel Tower,

and if she rejects me,
I'm gonna push her off.

A-And you think I did
that? I didn't do that.

Really? Because the letter was signed,

"Have a meow-tastic day, Kat Silver."

Well, that does very
specifically narrow down

the suspects, but how would I...

Oh.

I took sleeping pills last night.

Girl, check your e-mail sent folder.

- Oh.
- (SIGHS)

Oh, my gosh. Max, I am so sorry.

Just tell her I was on dr*gs.
It didn't mean anything.

Well, I-I would, except she told me

never to contact her again.

Well, do you want me to e-mail her?

Are you out of your mind?

I want you to stay out
of my business, Kat.

And you know what really pisses me off?

I tried to help you
with your relationship,

and you blew mine up.

- I'm so sorry, Kat.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

I can't believe I did that.

Well, it's not your fault.
Honestly, it's Phil's.

He's the one that gave
us those damn pills

that made him whip his
wiener out on a plane

and pee in the aisle.

What?

You didn't tell me that happened.

Well, I just thought
he had an overreaction

because he's itty-bitty.

I feel horrible.

I've never seen Max that upset.

What am I supposed to do?

Hey, hey.

Are you ready to get our salsa on?

I just need un momento.

("CHIPA Y FUEGO (SALSA)" BY EL
SWING DE NICKY CATAREY PLAYING)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪