02x02 - Call Me By My Middle Name

[bunniefuu]

I mean, when my
boyfriend Oscar found out

that my best friend Max
told me he wanted to kiss me,

I didn't know how he'd react.

Oscar?

Are you there?

Are you mad?

Damn Joey Lawrence and his big mouth.

I forgot to mention that part.

Oscar found out about the whole
Max thing from Joey Lawrence.

You remember that show,
right? It was, like, him

and the sister with the
flower hat. She used to, like,

- dance like this...
- Whoa!

Exactly! "Whoa!" Anyway,

Oscar didn't say anything
for almost three minutes,

and I was starting to freak out.

I'm starting to freak
out. Say something.

Okay, now you're
standing. Is standing good?

I mean, it can be. That movie
Stand and Deliver was good,

but Stephen King's The
Stand was so scary.

You... picked... me!

Over Max, with his perfect hair,

chiseled jaw and searing blue eyes.

So you're not mad?

(LAUGHING)

He was not mad. (CHUCKLES)

In fact, things got a little smoky,

if you know what I mean. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) That's a nice story.

Can I have my coffee now?

Oh! Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry. Enjoy! (CHUCKLES)

Little tip: don't ask
her how her day's going.

Hi. How are you doing today?

Fine.

I'm fine, too. You want to know why?

It all started at Mr.
Meowskers' funeral.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Special delivery for
Ms. Katharine Silver.

Well, golly gee, that's me. (CHUCKLES)

Is this actually mine though?

No, kiss is the special delivery.

- That's just a prop.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, my goodness,

I cannot get over how cute y'all are.

How long you been dating now?

How long have we been dating?

Well, when do we start counting?

Yeah, is it the first time we met?

Ooh, or the first time we kissed?

Or the, uh, first time we, you know...

You mean the first time
I rocked your world?

Let's just go with when you met.

Almost four months.

Aw. How y'all gonna celebrate?

Marty and I got our ears pierced
on our four-month anniversary.

Oh, uh, we don't really
have anything planned.

Did you want to do something?

I got both my ears pierced in college.

They got really infected.

I almost lost a lobe.

But I am willing to
roll the dice for you.

(CHUCKLES) No, that's okay.

I... I like your ears
just the way they are.

They are nice.

Very soft.

As weirdly soothing as this is,

I should probably deliver
this package before I lose it.

Does that happen often?

Officially? No.

Oh! You forgot your phone!

One more kiss for the road?

Permission to dip my best gal?

Permission granted, sailor.

- (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
- (YELLS)

- Oh! Oh, God!
- Ow!

- (GROANS)
- (EXHALES)

Okay.

(PANTING)

Catch you on the flip side.

- Toodles!
- Did you just say "toodles"?

He started it with "flip side."

I don't know how to
act when he's around.

No, I get it.

I just really hope we can get past this.

I don't expect you to
be besties or anything.

I'm lying. I do.

I did kinda like him before.

Yeah, let's build on that.

You know, you can't just
throw away "kinda like."

I guess I'm up for it if Max is.

Thank you.

Oh. I landed on this.

Are you gonna get in trouble?

No. Happens all the time.

- Really?
- Officially? No.

(SIGHS) Okay.

I have to go.

- I'm gonna be late for work.
- (WHINES SOFTLY)

Aw, just five more minutes.

No, you said that ten minutes ago.

You're like a sexy snooze button.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You know you talk in your sleep?

- Did you know you fart in yours?
- Yeah.

- You told me in your sleep.
- (LAUGHS)

What's the deal with this tattoo?

Uh, it's a fish.

I can see it's a fish.

What does it mean?

What's it matter?

I don't know. I mean,

there's just so much
I don't know about you.

Well, I like keeping
things mysterious with us.

You know, we are secret hookup friends,

not "know your time of birth" friends.

Wait, I'll give you a ride.

We can't show up at the same time.

Kat is already suspicious
about where I've been sleeping.

Wouldn't it just be easier
to tell everyone about us?

Nope.

Okay, but before you go,

one small detail about you.

Your middle name.

Nope.

Thank you

for the intercourse.

Hey. I brought you something.

Ooh, muffin.

I asked you not to
call me that. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Your dad would be
proud to know his jokes live on.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, uh, while I'm here,

maybe we could talk
about the Oscar thing?

(PLAYING PIANO)

Come on, Max. This is important.

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

Fine. We'll do it your way.

- (PLAYING PIANO)
- ♪ You can't use music ♪

♪ To avoid the subject ♪

♪ Watch me ♪

♪ Come on, I really want you ♪

♪ And Oscar to get along ♪

♪ That sounds awkward ♪

♪ Maybe if you hung out a little ♪

♪ Things would get better ♪

- ♪ Please? Please? ♪
- ♪ No, no ♪

♪ Please? Please? Please? ♪

♪ What would we even do? ♪

♪ I'm not sure ♪

♪ Oscar likes kites ♪

♪ I've never successfully
gotten one off the ground ♪

♪ Kids used to make fun of me ♪

♪ But thank you for unlocking
that painful memory ♪

♪ Okay, no kites ♪

♪ How 'bout racquetball? ♪

- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ Or pickleball? ♪

♪ Or other balls ♪

♪ That men play together ♪

♪ Stop, I'll think of something ♪

- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ Thank you ♪

♪ I got to get back to work ♪

♪ But it's been really
fun talking this way ♪

♪ I'm coming round to it ♪

♪ Get off your ass ♪

♪ And help me unload this beer! ♪

- (SONG ENDS)
- (KAT CHUCKLES)

Look at this soft kitty.

Are these not the furriest
paws you've ever seen?

Clearly you have not spent

a lot of time around Mama's feet.

Oh, Katharine, I brought
you a little something.

Oh, thank you.

- What is it?
- It's a fertility statue.

For your anniversary.

Put it above your bed
next time you and Oscar,

you know, make pudding.

This is why I was before
I knew where babies came from.

How did you know it was my anniversary?

A little birdie told me.

Tweet, tweet.

So, what are you and Oscar gonna do?

Kat seems surprisingly reluctant
to mark this momentous occasion.

It's not momentous. It's four months.

Yes, the longest
relationship you've ever had.

There should be fireworks.

Banks should close.

Drag queens should dress like you.

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS) Well, I-I suppose
I could do something.

But I've got to play it cool.
I don't want to scare him off.

You remember what happened with Ben.

♪ It's only been three weeks ♪

♪ But I think you're kinda neat ♪

♪ So this may be precursory ♪

♪ But happy anniversary! ♪

I think we should break up.

I wouldn't want a grandchild
with Ben's eyebrows anyway.

Oh, I have an idea.

How 'bout I help cook a nice,
tasteful dinner for you and Oscar.

No tap shoes needed.

Oh, you're like my own little Cupid.

Oh, I'll bring my bow
and arrows! (CHUCKLES)

Metaphorically.

I don't need another lawsuit.

What-what are you doing?

I'm just getting it warmed up.

Stop it!

(ALARM RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

What's going on?

Oh. I was trying not to wake you.

I'm meeting Max to go running.

Really? Oh, that's great! I'm so happy!

Can I come? No, no, no,
you guys need to bond.

Um, hey, I was just thinking...
if you're not busy tonight,

maybe we could do something
for our anniversary.

Sure. What'd you have in mind?

Um, just, like, a little
dinner. No big deal.

A year anniversary...
that would be a big deal.

You know? Eight months... medium deal.

But this, you know, it's no big deal.

Got it. Little dinner, no big deal.

See you tonight.

Oh. Randi.

- Good morning!
- Is it?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey! I just got to stop for a minute!

We're not so much running together

as I'm chasing you. (EXHALES)

- (PANTING)
- Okay, maybe I was pushing it a bit.

I just wanted to win at something.

- You're taller.
- Thank you. I needed that.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, I know things have
been awkward between us,

and I know it's my fault.

You mean 'cause you made
a move on my girlfriend?

(PANTING)

Well...

if you want to get technical about it.

Yeah. I owe you an apology.

Cool. (PANTING)

Cool.

Was that it?

Oh, I thought it was. Uh...

I will elaborate.

Um...

You're a nice guy,

and you didn't deserve what I did.

Neither did she.

I'm sorry.

I can forgive you

- if we never have to go running again.
- (CHUCKLES)

Deal.

- How 'bout pancakes?
- Great.

But... I need you

- to do me a favor.
- Sure.

Carry me.

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Stop calling the café for coffee.

Stop keeping me up all night.

You don't mean that.

- No, I do not.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, you know, Kat asked me

to take her lingerie shopping later.

Maybe I'll pick up something
you might enjoy.

Ooh. I would like that,

Miss Randi Elizabeth.

What the hell did you just call me?

Your name?

- But who told you?
- I ain't no snitch.

- Was it Phil?
- Yes. Damn it!

What else did he tell you about me?

Nothing. Why are you
so upset about this?

Because I asked you not
to pry into my business

and you did it anyway.

I got to get back to work.

I forgot that Kat has her
anniversary dinner tonight,

so I still need a place to crash.

But you can kiss that lingerie goodbye.

You're gonna get my baggiest
sweatpants and tube socks.

Joke's on you!

Because I find the tube
to be the sexiest of socks!

So, what vibe are we going for?

Sexy and sophisticated?

Schoolgirl with an attitude?

Or are we talking full-on dominatrix?

I don't know. My underwear
usually comes in a four-pack.

Well, what do you
think Oscar would like?

No, we are not shopping for Oscar.

We are shopping for you.

What do you like?

Um...

This is cute.

Okay, maybe we should shop
for Oscar a little bit.

Aren't you gonna try anything on?

You know, for your
sneaky link? (CHUCKLES)

Do not use the slang that
I teach you against me.

And he's not getting anything.

He really irked my nerves today.

What happened?

- He found out my middle name.
- (GASPS)

That rat bastard.

I just don't need him knowing

every little detail about my life.

Well, I like when people know

every little detail about my life.

I wish I could wear one
of those medical bracelets,

but, instead of allergies, it
would have fun facts about Kat.

I'd call them Kat Facts.

Well, that's not how I operate.

Knowledge is power,

and I don't want anyone
having power over me.

I mean, first, it's my middle name.

Then it's my blood type.

Next thing you know, I'm
swallowing a balloon of cocaine,

being arrested at the border
and thrown into a Turkish prison.

You have got to stop listening to
Locked Up Abroad before bed.

And no one's gonna take
your power from you.

I mean, you've opened up to me,

and I'm still terrified of you.

Aw, you're sweet.

And, for what it's worth,

I think you can trust Carter.

What?

Carter? (CHUCKLES, STAMMERS)

What makes you think it's Carter?

Oh! Hey.

Where'd you sneak off to last night?

Uh, I was... with a guy.

Ah. So that's where you've been going.

What's his name?

Peter...

Backpack.

That is a completely plausible name!

And what does that have
to even do with Carter?

- (KNOCKING)
- Oh, I got it.

Here. You left your earrings.

Thank you, Peter Backpack. Bye!

CARTER: Who the hell is Peter Backpack?!

Okay, fine, it's Carter.

I knew it! I wasn't % sure,

but now I know it's Carter!

He's a great guy.

Well, yeah, I guess he's okay.

But I'm still not sure if
I should open up to him.

I mean, I've done that before,
and it gets kind of messy.

If you keep worrying
about things getting messy,

you might miss out on
things that are really great.

I mean, does ice cream
end up on my face,

in my hair, down my
cleavage every time I eat it?

Yes. But is it worth it?

You bet.

Okay, I keep telling
you... cup instead of cone.

But...

I hear you.

Now, if you would,

drumroll, please.

Oh.

Randi, I have never felt sexier.

I... (CHUCKLES)

Whoa! Oh!

Sorry, ma'am. Oh, geez. I'm good.

Whoa! I can walk like a woman.

Oh, hey!

Mm-mm.

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- I'm just gonna hold on to this.

Okay. The table is set,

the champagne is chilling

and I hid everything with googly eyes

so they wouldn't see me slip into this.

Oh, girl.

That's what Mama would call
a one-way ticket to hell.

I am so glad you're getting into this.

I'm a big believer in
celebrating every moment.

A nice sunrise,

a... a perfect pie crust,

a healthy bowel movement.

- Totally.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Don't act like you can't relate.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh. It's Oscar.

Hi!

Hey, babe, guess what.

Um, you found five dollars.

You're in jail. Pluto's a planet again.

I love that you actually guess.

No, I'm at a basketball
game in a luxury suite.

My boss couldn't use his tickets,

and Max really wanted to go.

- Oh, Max is there?
-MAX: Hey, Kat!

Oscar is the man. I haven't seen
so many free hot dogs in my life.

So does this mean
you'll be a little late?

Actually, would it be okay if
we pushed dinner to tomorrow?

Oh. Um...

Uh, y-yeah.

Yeah. No big deal.

But keep an eye on Max.

He will eat free food
till he pukes. (CHUCKLES)

He has had six hot dogs.

Seven!

Oh.

Oscar's not coming.

He's at a basketball game with Max.

Oh, no, sweetie.

No, don't worry about it. (MUTTERS)

Don't need these anymore. But I'm fine.

It's totally fine. It's fine.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

- Don't need this anymore.
- No, no!

I know you're upset.

But if you throw any more
of my cooking in the trash,

I'll cut you.

I just feel silly about the whole thing.

I wish I hadn't made
such a big deal out of it.

Well, I think you should have
made a bigger deal out of it.

A rooster who doesn't crow

cannot be mad when folks don't wake up.

Yeah, but what if the rooster's
afraid to-to lose the only hen

who's stayed with her for four months?

Oh, honey.

Have some faith in yourself.

Oscar is lucky to have you.

Thank you.

- Aw.
- (PATTING BACK)

Wait a minute. Why am I not
looking at the top of your head?

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

I couldn't help myself. (CHUCKLES)

If you're going to hell, honey,

I'm going with you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't think I'd see you here.

Well, Peter Backpack was busy, so...

Sit down. I'll get us a drink.

Listen...

you were right.

You laid out some very clear,

very strict...

some would say
illogical... boundaries...

... and I did not respect them.

That's on me,

and I'm sorry.

I appreciate that.

I know that you were just
trying to get to know me better.

That's all I want.

Then allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Miranda Elizabeth Hamilton.

Elizabeth was my nana's name.

My favorite color is green.

I've never seen Titanic.

Ooh, and a*t*matic toilets freak me out.

I'll tell you when I'm done.

Good to know.

The Titanic thing is troubling,

but my heart will go on.

You'd get that if you'd seen it.

And you asked about my fish tattoo.

I got it to remind me
that when things get tough

to just keep swimming.

Like in Finding Nemo.

- Finding who?
- Have you seen any movies?

Please, keep going.

Okay. Um...

I don't usually talk about this, but...

when I got my tattoo, I was...

really struggling with depression.

Oh, wow.

I would've never guessed.

Yeah, you get good at hiding it.

Are things better now?

Most days.

I mean, I found a great therapist,

the right meds, and...

I finally feel like I
have control over my life.

But now...

Now what?

I'm scared that if I let someone new in

I could lose that.

Randi...

... we can take things
as slow as you want.

I'm not going anywhere.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Thanks.

(KISSES)

So, uh,

have you told your therapist about me?

Oh, my goodness.

(DOOR OPENS)

Well, well, well,

if it isn't Mr. Basketball.

Liking the nickname,

worried about the tone.

Are you mad?

I was. This helped.

Phil helped.

We actually had a lovely night.

We ate dinner, we sang songs,

we crowed like roosters.

If you're hungry, there's
popovers in the trash.

S-Starting to think tonight was
a bigger deal than you let on.

Well, first it wasn't. Then it was.

Well, maybe it always was
and I just said it wasn't.

I don't know. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Anyway... (SIGHS)

this is the longest
relationship I've ever had,

and I planned this big,

fancy romantic dinner to celebrate it.

But, instead,

Phil tried on all my shoes

and I ate three pieces of cake.

Kat, you got to tell me
when things are important.

I was afraid of scaring you away.

You know? I have a tendency
to come on a little strong.

Oh, you come on very strong.

It's one of the things
I like most about you.

- That and your laugh.
- (CHUCKLES)

And when you break into
spontaneous tap dancing.

Suck it, Ben.

I'm sorry I wasn't here,

and I promise not to miss
our five-month anniversary.

I'll save the lingerie I
bought for then. (CHUCKLES)

Wait, there's lingerie?

Real lingerie? Not just flannel?

Yeah, it goes with the heels.

I thought you said you
couldn't walk in heels!

Oh. I found a work-around.

This is sexy, right?

There you are! I have
the whole day planned out.

I'm gonna teach you
how to fly this kite,

we'll have a picnic,
then we can ride our bikes

to get snow cones.

That sounds amazing! (CHUCKLES)

(MOUTHS): Rain check?

Oh, my God.

Guess who I just saw
making out by the dumpsters.

Uh, Lady and the Tramp.

Two raccoons.

George and Amal Clooney.

They travel a lot. It's possible.

I love that you always guess.

Randi and Carter!

- What?!
- You're kidding!

Those rascals!

Why didn't anybody tell me?

Because you can't keep a secret.

Yes, I can.

I got to call Sheila.

♪ ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

- ♪ Come on, listen up, baby ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ If you want to be free ♪

- ♪ If you want to be free ♪
- ♪ Got to let it go now ♪

♪ Come on, let's take a ride with me ♪

- ♪ Take a ride with me ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ I want to make you feel good ♪

♪ Want you to lose your blues ♪

♪ Want you to lose your blues... ♪