01x05 - Curl Interrupted Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ in the Great North. ♪

May I have the clam
chowder margarita?

Sounds yummy, and I'll have
the bloody tuna mary.

Oh, hey, Dad. How are things
in the seniors curling league?

We prefer the "over- curling
league." And things aren't good.

The Beef Sliders have
lost focus without Coach Percy.

He's in Arizona having
his varicose veins removed.

Good for Percy.
His calves looked like a map

of the Montana river system.

We're playing
those guys on Saturday.

They're a cruise ship crew
from San Diego,

and the humiliation of losing
to beach folk is unthinkable.

I saw one of them practicing
in flip-flops the other day.

I have to be honest,
I don't totally get curling.

Well, it's an exquisite game
with complexities that could

fill a thousand books, so
no one ever totally "gets it."

- Fun.
- The Beef Sliders are gonna

need extra practice, so I need you
to man the boat for a couple days.

Oh, cool, Dad, because I have
a new idea for the boat.

As long as your new idea is
the old idea

of catching and selling fish,
I like it very much.

[laughs] That's exactly
what I was gonna say.

San Diego?
More like san di-yeah-bro!

[groans] I wish I could ask
you-know-who to come help us.

Dad, you know
that's a terrible idea.

- Who's you-know-who?
- Judy.

- Our Judy?
- The very same.

It's too bad her passion
can be so unbridled,

'cause no one knows
the game like her.

Curling unleashes something deep,
hideous, and unholy in Judy.

That's why she got kicked off
her old team the curlfriends

and why we had
to stop curling together.

I do miss spending time
with her, but as a family,

we've agreed to never say the
"C" word around the "J" word.

The sport
that shall not be named.

So I guess
I'll just put that idea

in a bucket and pour it
back into the sea.

Bon voyage, idea.

So what did everybody do today?

Dawson cut his thumb
in little whittlers again.

That kid always did have
a sloppy push stroke.

I drew a tree in art class,

but everyone thought
it was broccoli.

Hmm, just goes to show,
we're all on different journeys.

- How did curling practice go, Dad?
- [all gasp]

- Oops.
- Oh, god.

Uh, curling practice, you say?

Uh, Judy, you're home
early from jazz yoga.

Honey, are you okay?

- Do you need to go lie down?
- I'm fine.

Or maybe a glass
of warm tap water?

Seriously, I'm fine.
You can talk about curling

in front of me all you want.

Or I could recap last
night's episode of Dr. Judge.

It all started when Dr. Jason
Judge got a strange phone call.

Wolf: Thanks for meeting me out
here on the side deck, guys.

Dad has entrusted me
to run the boat operations

for the next couple days,
so I have two words

that will nuke your noggins.

All: Sunset sail?

How did you know
I was gonna say that?

You always talk about
how we should be using

- the boat for Sunset sails.
- Even in your sleep.

You also talk about
some novel you want to write.

The Pentagon paradigm?
Nobody steal that.

Okay, and I talk about sunset
sails a lot for good reason.

Because it's high time
we Tobins dipped

our boat breadstick
in the tourism marinara.

Can't people just look up wherever
they are and see the sunset

- if they want to?
- I guess. But what better place to see it

than from the deck
of the Mighty Kathleen?

When I'm standing
in a big pile of fish guts

at the end of a hard day,

and I look up at the sky
and soak in

that mysterious orange majesty,
I want to share its glory

- with the whole wide world.
- That's beautiful, babe.

I know Dad doesn't want us
to use the boat like this,

but once he understands
all the mozzarella we can make,

he'll be on his knees begging
for more. Who's juiced?

- I'm juiced.
- Sort of juiced.

If you believe in it,
then I believe in it, babe.

And I do.
Oh, how I do.

Judy, can you pass me that mug?

You mean slide it to you
as if it were

an expertly thrown stone
on pebbled ice?

Yeah. No problem.

[sighs] Honey, I understand
you have a gift,

but it comes at too high a price.

Dad, you need help on your team,

and no one knows the beautiful
game better than me.

- It's not worth the risk.
- I've changed, Dad!

Sure, I used to be a
fiery volcano, but now I'm

a Hawaiian island where
people come to relax.

New Judy is totally different,
man. [forced chuckle]

- It's only been a year.
- Exactly! That's so long.

Think about everything
that happens in a year...

Salmon fest, Halibut fest,
Crab fest, Eel...

I have the Lone Moose city council's

calendar of festivals, Judy.
The answer is "no."

And before the game
even started,

I made most
of the other players cry.

Yeah, you were probably just

trying to psych out
the other team.

No, I made my own teammates cry.

And my coach, Mr. Jardine.

Boy, did he cry. Whew.

Well, at least
you're not missing much.

Curling seems kind of boring
and pointless.

Pointless? Haven't I ever
told you the story

of Stan Donovan,
the world's greatest curler?

- No, but I'm good.
- On January , ,

he and his brothers
were on an expedition,

making their way
across Jackfish lake,

when suddenly...

Corned Beef and cabbage!
We're on jeezly thin ice!

Judy: But Stan told his
brothers to lie down

to distribute their weight
as evenly as possible.

And then he curled
each brother to safety.

Slide!
Slide!

Slide!

Slide!

Stan then curled himself to safety

by pushing off a frozen
beaver corpse with his foot.

Huh. A real hero of the north.

- [knocking]
- Beef: Judy. It's me. Your father.

- Beef Tobin.
- Sorry, I got to deal with this.

That's cool, I'll just
stand here till you get back.

Come on in, I was just drinking

decaf espresso
on the steep, icy roof.

Good, I just wanted you to know

I loved it
when we curled together,

and I was sad
when we stopped.

But when we played
the little rocks

and you cut off Aurora's pigtail,

held it above your head
and screamed

as if you were
surging with power,

well, that
sort of changed things.

I know.
It doesn't matter anyway, Dad.

It's not like I spend tons
of time looking at, polishing

and arranging my collection
of curling trophies and awards.

And, yes, the pigtail is in there.

- I believe I earned it.
- Wow.

I remember when you were
on curlfriends.

We always got
hot milks before each match.

And after,
we got whale tail ice cream.

Lot of dairy, lot of diarrhea,

but, boy, were those
some good times.

And you and I were a winning...

♪ Team ♪

♪ Driving to the rink ♪

♪ In the cab of my old truck ♪

Judy:
♪ Listened to the best of pink ♪

Beef:
♪ We almost hit a buck ♪

♪ I taught you how to throw ♪

Judy: ♪ And you showed
me how to sweep ♪

Beef: ♪ It was fun
to watch you grow ♪

Judy: ♪ It was fun
to make them weep ♪

Beef: ♪ Our time,
it brought me joy ♪

Judy:
♪ I vanquished and destroyed ♪

Beef:
♪ It gave us time to talk ♪

Judy:
♪ I would humiliate and mock ♪

Beef:
♪ That cafe that we ate in ♪

Judy:
♪ They called me spawn of Satan ♪

♪ I used to be deranged ♪

♪ But I promise you I've changed ♪

♪ Let's get the team ♪

- ♪ Back together ♪
- Maybe you're on to something.

♪ Yeah, let's get the team ♪

- ♪ Back together ♪
- Maybe we're onto something.

♪ Let's get the team
back together. ♪

Welcome to the team, Coach Judy.

I can't wait to get diarrhea
together again, Dad.

To avoid any
of the pitfalls of the past,

I need to institute
a few new ground rules.

Totally agree.

You can't actually play
the game yourself.

- You're strictly coaching.
- Yep.

- You can't only let the best players play.
- Sure.

You can't give
the players mean nicknames.

Like "bad with a broom Brandy."

it was
"butt broom barfhole Brandy."

Yes, nothing like that, please.

And you definitely can't snap
any curling brooms in half

- with the might of your fury.
- You got it, Dad.

And if you do need
to get out some aggression,

it's always okay to join me

in yelling encouragingly
to the sweepers.

Like this... sweep!

[chuckles]
That's the stuff.

But there is one last rule
we need to talk about.

- Okay.
- We always get hot milks

on the way to the rink.

Keep cleaning, crew.
We have a lovely German couple

coming this afternoon
to enjoy a resplendent

Sonnenuntergang segel.

That's, uh, Deutsch for
"Sunset sail."

And Deutsch is
German for "German."

Are these tourists paying us?

How much mozzarella
are we talking?

None!
Before you get the cheese,

you have to please...
the customers.

- What?
- I'm saying we need some good

word of mouth and positive
reviews before we can ask

people to pay, you knucklehead.

I love when you pull out
that big business brain.

But we will get a big tip,
in the form of their happiness.

Cha-ching!

Now, let's go over our
different roles.

Moon, you're
our entertainment coordinator.

Ham, refreshments.

Honeybee, hospitality... and me?

This is your captain speaking.

I couldn't find a captain's hat,
which is why

I drew an anchor on this beret.

Oh, that's an anchor, thank god.

Beef Sliders, you all know me:
Delmer, you're my godfather.

Belva, you're my neighbor.
Morris, I mowed your lawn,

- like two summers ago.
- You did it too short.

Oh, god, this again. Anyway,
I want you to forget all that

'cause I'm here as your coach,
and I have one mission.

To teach you how to stomp ass!

And also to have so much fun

and just enjoy curling
and each other.

I brought circle bit bites
from Mr. and Mrs. Donut.

You sure did, Delmer...
now let's get in the stone zone.

♪ ♪

Sweep...!

Wolf: The settlers thought that
every moose they saw here was

the same moose
in different places.

Which is why they called it
Lone Moose.

It wasn't until they decided
to k*ll the one Lone Moose,

and then another moose
showed up that they realized

there were lots of moose.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Toot, toot!

Our next stop is Seal rock...
take it away, ham!

Ham: "Seal rock is where
seals like to sunbathe.

I hope someone brought
sunscreen, ha ha."

Does vessel have wi-fi?

Uh, you guys stay here
for a minute and, uh, take

a selfie with the seals.
I-I like to call them sealfies. Heh.

Guys, guys, guys! I think
the Germans are getting bored.

I think they showed up bored.
Those two are major duds.

Well, then it's our job
as "entertainmen-preneurs"

to unbore/un-dud them.

We're gonna surround them
like a pod of dolphins

surround a shark, and bash
their gills with hospitality

until the sunset shows up
and blows their German minds.

Moon, you brought
your guitar, right?

Do you know "Caribbean queen"?

I only know Green Day's
"Time of your life"

- and also "Round and round" by Ratt.
- "Time of your life" will do.

Honeybee, if this side-splitting
Alaska-themed joke book

can't make them smile,
nothing can.

I'm gonna be like TBS
in the mid- s... very funny.

And, Ham, I was gonna save
your German chocolate cake

for later, but looks like
we might have to break glass,

'cause this is an emergency.
It's showtime.

- Oh, hey, guys!
- Can we leave boat?

Guys, you should
really reconsider.

You didn't see the sunset yet.
That's the big show.

It's gorgeous and humbling.

- But they didn't see the sunset yet.
- I know, sweetie.

- It's so beautiful.
- I know, I know. [shushing]

Great work today, Sliders.

And, Delmer, that was
the perfect array

of doughnut flavors.

Was there enough honey-dipped?

Just take the compliment, Delmer.

Okay, let's win big tomorrow.

- Beef...
- All: Sliders!

- I'll go warm up the van.
- Ooh, tasty sh*t, caleb.

That's how we do it in San Diego.

And, guys, I just want to say
if you screw this up,

I will m*rder every
last one of you. Bash, bash!

Just kidding.
Bash.

[cries out]
Good lord, Judy!

Great, you're awake.
You and I have some

strategies to go over.

Read up and meet me outside
in five minutes

- to head to the rink.
- But it's : in the morning.

I don't get up for
another minutes.

It's game day, Dad.
Hurry hard, Tobin.

Now, the best curlers out there
have complete control

over how much weight
they put on the stone.

So that's why we are going
to curl with no stone.

- But where is the stone?
- Really, Morris?

I just explained that.
It's imaginary.

Now slide that pretend rock.
[imitates buzzer]

Too much weight.
Shape up, Tyrana-Morris Rex.

Get it? Because you're ancient,
and your arms are too short.

Coach Judy, this kind of
arbitrary criticism

might not help everyone's
confidence right now.

- The game's in just a few hours.
- Exactly.

These Beef Sliders are still
real pink in the middle.

The invisible stone
just went behind you, Belva.

- Are you blind?!
- Yes, I'm legally blind.

Maybe we should take a break.

Take a break?
Your whole lives are a break.

- Judy...
- Ugh, fine, we'll take a break.

Everyone, gather 'round.

We're gonna watch some clips
of a professional curler

so you guys can see
everything you're doing wrong,

which is everything.

- Who likes Annette Norberg?
- Oh, hell yeah.

It's Norberg time.

Guys, I went to
the Germans' hotel, found them,

and talked them into coming back
on a Sunset sail today.

Sure, they were very
freaked out to see me,

but they were also super juiced
to give me another sh*t.

So this go 'round,
we're upping the romance.

We got sexy rose petals
leading to a sexy table

that will be filled
with sexy drinks.

Are we making money this time?

Better than that, baby brother,
we're making love.

Dolla-dolla Bill, y'all.

There he is. Welcome back
to your Sunset sail, Werner.

There's an oil refinery
to the west,

and its pollution is bringing
out every shade of orange.

Even those dark pumpkins
and marmalades.

Uh, where is your lovely girlfriend?

She said she meets me here.
She is not here?

Uh, we haven't seen her.
But it's no problem.

I'm sure she'll be here
any minute.

Yep, any second now.

Perhaps she has grown bored of me.
I will call to her telephone.

This is completely messing up
our sail skedge.

Okay, I say if she doesn't
show up in the next minutes,

we leave her a rowboat
and a note with

- our sunset coordinates.
- Ziska does not answer.

I bet she just fell off
a cliff or something.

Or maybe she's not
coming on purpose

because she doesn't want
to be here.

Either way,
I'm sure she's not dead.

If Ziska is breaking up
with this guy,

it's even more important
to show him a good time.

I mean, imagine the review:

"the Sunset sail that
cured my broken heart."

Yeah, let's wine him,
dine him and him.

In numerology,
represents satisfaction.

Love it. One, two, three.

All: Sunset sail!

I will never tire of hearing
you guys say that.

Whoo! Hoobastank!

Judy, we're through two ends,
and Delmer hasn't played yet.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- So when are you gonna put him in?

Maybe when the sun
crashes into the moon,

and time folds in on itself?

Look, Dad,
I'm never putting him in.

- He's old and he's terrible.
- Circle bit bite?

Hi, Delmer. Thank you.

Judy, you have to put him in.

I want to win as much
as the next person,

but not if it means hurting Delmer.

He started this team, and he
owns this rink, for god's sake.

Good for him.
I'm not going to let some

dead weight octogenarian
buy his way into my lineup.

And that's why I say this
with all due respect,

- get off my nut sack, Dad!
- Okay, hand over your whistle.

Wait, no. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, sorry.

That was just a momentary lapse.
I'm calm.

Ah, I am drinking
my hot milk.

Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[gasps]
Oh, look, you're up.

Go get 'em, m'Dad.

Honeybee: What about this joke?

"You might be
an Alaskan fisherman if

you wear your fishing
waders to the opera."

- Okay.
- And here we are.

The lovers' lava.

Don't worry, the lava isn't real.

It's just blended
strawberry daiquiri.

Ziska loves tiny mountains.

But you know what, Werner?

Lovers' lavas aren't
just for couples.

Lots of dudes have romantic
cocktails by themselves.

Like after racquetball,
or after motorcycle practice.

♪ Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road... ♪

[Werner sobbing]

♪ Round and round ♪

♪ What goes around
comes around ♪

♪ I tell you why-ee,
why-ee, why-ee! ♪

It's the last throw of the end.

They've got three stones in
the house. Your house, Dad.

And those stones are having
a house party, making a mess,

playing loud music, even kissing
in restricted bedrooms.

- Not restricted bedrooms.
- Break up that party.

Hard! Hard! Hard! Hard!

[Beef shouting]

- Aww...
- Curl-afornia.

- Butt biscuits!
- Judy.

How could you waste the hammer
on a biter like that?

You couldn't even push
off the hack without

dumping the hammer on a
perfectly pebbled sheet.

[gasps]
That's below the belt.

And Morris, you don't attempt
a Manitoba tuck on swingy ice.

I'm gonna go call my wife.

Did you guys forget
everything I taught you?

- It's like amateur hour out there.
- This is an amateur league.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah,
amateur league.

You might as well be
farting out your mouth.

It's insane how much
better I am at curling

than all of you combined.

Do I have to sub myself in
and salvage this turd show?

- Okay, fine, I will.
- Judy, no.

You're not over .

- Well, you're not over thirty suck!
- That's it, you're fired.

What? What did you say to me?
What?

Go have a seat and
let us finish the game.

- No! Let me throw, damn it.
- This way, honey.

Who do you think you are,
Beef Sliders?

More like Barf Sliders!

Look at me. Me Beef.
Me push rock.

Duh... Where's the grace?
Where's the finesse?

Have fun losing, losers.

I am a curling god!
Remember that.

I am a curling god!

Judy, where are you going?
I'm your ride.

Ugh! Fine.

Bavarian bit bite?

Soak it in, my ger-man.

- There's beauty all around you.
- [phone vibrating]

It is Ziska.
[in German] Hello? Where are you?

See? Everything's gonna be fine.

Ziska goes to Amsterdam
with my brother Heinrich.

- He is taller.
- Bummer for sure.

But, hey, you know what cures
a broken heart?

Staring at a beautiful sunset.

The lights are dimming
'cause it's time for

the feature presentation,
and it's gonna be a doozer.

I mean, look at that sky.
Gorgeous.

Oh, my god, an orca and her calf?
What the toast?!

Did you see that?

I'll be in the bathroom,
not crying, just making poop.

Werner, come back, buddy.

You're missing a k*ller sunset, man.

Again.
Damn it, this Sunset sail

- is a total sunset fail.
- Honeybee: No, it isn't.

Because you know
who can enjoy this?

You can. With us.

I feel like I'm looking
at a brochure,

- and the brochure is all around us.
- Pretty dope.

I'm leaving you guys
a great review.

You're great.
And I love you. Send.

Round and round. Hmm.

What goes around
comes around.

As you may have just witnessed,

there have been
some personnel changes,

so as team skip,
I am reordering the lineup.

Delmer, get in there, my friend.

Me? But the match is
almost over, and we're down.

Yes, we are, Delmer.
And I think I speak

for all curlers over when I say:
We believe in you.

Let's show these Californians
and my daughter Judy

what Alaskan curling is all about.

Hell yeah.
Here comes a D-slap.

♪ ♪

[gasps]
Aah...!

[crowd gasps]

Belva:
Oh, no. Delmer's dead!

Wait. Good news.
He's just very, very badly hurt.

- How is the old codger doing?
- His hip came unscrewed.

They have to order a part
from Fairbanks.

It should be here
in about two weeks.

Look, Dad, I'm sorry.
You were right.

It was a bad idea to let me coach.

No. No, no, no.

Look, Judy, this was my fault.

I'm the parent,
and I made a bad parenting call.

I knew you couldn't handle

a return to the crystal court,
but I was selfish.

I missed
our special time together.

You're so busy now... you have
your job and your school

and your
all-girl pan flute group.

- What's it called again?
- The She-ter pans.

- Right. And, well, I missed you.
- I missed you, too, Dad.

And, you know, I bet if
just you and I curled together

- during off hours, maybe...
- No chance in hell, honey.

I know, you're right.

- Curling turns me into a monster.
- It does.

But I was excited to spend time
with you, too, Dad.

We really bonded over curling.

And it's the only hobby of mine
that you've shown

- a huge interest in.
- Ouch, my heart.

Judy, I love spending time
with you, no matter what you do.

So maybe we can find
a new activity

- we can do together.
- Oh, that would be great!

Because I have
so many new interests.

Like toastmastering, upcycling,
food styling, european clowning,

non-ironic street art,
urban foraging, scatting,

just to name a few.
♪ Be-do-be-do-be-do-do-wah! ♪

I don't understand
what just happened,

but we will find something.

Judy:
And then we just "improvise"

- a scene together.
- Interesting.

Dad, Judy, uh, this is Werner.

He's s German tourist
whose girlfriend ditched him

mid-vacation
and took all his money.

[chuckles]
Classic Ziska.

Anyway, he's gonna stay with us
for a few days

while he figures out
how to get home.

Ooh, you guys
are just in time to watch

me and Dad's
first improv performance!

All right, uh, someone
give me a suggestion.

[gasps]
Oh. Metal shoes.

Great. I think I heard "metal shoes."
Okay.

Hello. I'm interested in trying
on some of your metal shoes.

Do you have some
in a size seven?

- No.
- Good one, Dad!

Great. Do you have a size six?

- No. Go away.
- Okay. I'll come back tomorrow.

- And... scene.
- We have a size five.

Oh, no, Dad, the scene...
Uh, you know what?

- Sure. I'll try them on.
- And scene.

♪ This is the story
of a snow-farin' man ♪

♪ Who curled over mountains
and curled over land ♪

♪ One day he and his brothers
got marooned on jeezly ice ♪

♪ But he curled them all to safety ♪

♪ And his hair still looked nice ♪

♪ The world's greatest curler ♪

♪ Big Stan,
the world's greatest man ♪

♪ When Stanley curled a grizzly,
he also pushed a puffin ♪

♪ Curled his best gal to the
altar as if it were nothin' ♪

♪ In the history of curlers,
he's the top guy ♪

♪ And if you look up
in the night ♪

♪ You'll see him curling
in the sky ♪

♪ The world's greatest curler ♪

♪ Big Stan, the world's greatest man ♪

♪ Big Stan,
the world's greatest man! ♪