01x06 - Pride & Prejudice Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Good morning, Alanis Morissette.

It is I, Judy Tobin,
queen of courtship and boys.

(yawning): Are you okay?
It's 4:30 a.m.

Yup. Today, I ask
Crispin Cienfuegos,

the hottest mall hottie
in the mall, to be my date

to the Thomas Wintersbone
Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.

In the past, I've always invited

my best platonic guy-friend
Gill Beavers.

But... (chuckles) I'm a
sophisticated adult woman now.

And you deserve a sophisticated
adult dance experience.

Exactly! Just like Thomas
Wintersbone would have wanted.

Are you familiar
with our school's

most famous teacher
Thomas Wintersbone?

Oh, yes, I'm very familiar.
You've told me many times...

You can't talk
about 1800s Lone Moose

without talking
about Thomas Wintersbone.

ALANIS: Oh, here we go.

JUDY: He... was... everywhere.

Thomas was a gregarious man

with a passion
for the arts and letters.

A passion that eventually led
him to become a schoolteacher.

And it was there that he met
the love of his life, Ruby,

the school's
hardworking groundskeeper.

But when Thomas asked

for Ruby's hand in marriage,
her father objected.

He thought Thomas's
"indoor disposition" would make

for a weak provider,
so he challenged Thomas

to survive a month alone
in the Lone Moose wilderness

to prove his strength.

Desperate to be with
his beloved, Thomas accepted.

He promised Ruby
that once he returned,

they would wed and live togethr
in two side-by-side cabins,

because, as the saying goes,

"Their love couldn't be
contained by just one cabin."

And so, brave Thomas headed off
into the wilderness.

He d*ed in a blizzard
almost immediately.

That's very sad.

And very romantic.

When his body was discovered
by trappers,

Thomas hadn't even
built himself a shelter.

Instead, he was surrounded
by puppets he'd constructed.

The puppets did have
their own shelter.

And outhouse. And tiny stage.

Ruby was heartbroken.

She spent the rest of her days
living in just one cabin

with her best friend Anne.

To this very day,

the Lone Moose School celebrates
this epic love story

with a dance.
The girls invite the boys,

and the boys who don't
get invited stand outside

in the snow for an hour
in homage to Thomas.

But Crispin won't be
one of those boys

because he'll be trotting
into dance land with moi,

like an elegant little horse.
(whinnies)

Ooh, and speaking of elegance,
I bought a new eye shadow

called Girl Boss Blue,
and I better go slather that on.

Okay, but don't slather
for them, Judy. Slather for you!

- (grunts)
- Dad, you could have d*ed

or ripped the banner.

- What's all this about?
- Brian called last night.

He's coming up from Anchorage

for the weekend
to have dinner with a client.

Uncle Brian's coming? Sick!

It is very sick, and I want
everything to be perfect.

It's been a full year since
he moved to that urban hellhole

to launch his hot tub business.
Poor guy.

I'm sure he can't wait
to hang out with me

and do all our old
favorite activities,

like fishing and then
talking about how fishing went.

Hold up. There's a real-life
entrepreneur coming to visit?

Wolf and I have a few
very exciting business ideas,

and we've been looking
for investors.

But it's hard to find a backer
we can trust.

Some of these concepts
are pure gold,

and you never know
who might try to steal them.

Including...
(quietly): Jeff Bezos.

Always listening
with his Alexas.

I just needed new towels,
Jeffrey!

It's not my personality!

(gasps) Good morning, banner.
You're new.

Uh-oh, Judy. I know
attention-seeking eye shadow

when I see it.
Who hurt you? Where is he?!

Actually, it's yours Jude-ly

who'll be doing
the heart-breaking today.

I'm asking Crispin Cienfuegos
to be my date

to the Thomas Wintersbone
Memorial Ladies' Choice Dance.

Samantha R. always invites me.

We share a mutual respect
for the worm:

the lowliest of creatures,
the funkiest of dances.

How about you, Ham? Any
special guys caught your eyes?

Eh, not lately.
Besides, it's ladies' choice.

I'll just wait
till Principal Gibbons

invites in all the left-behinds.

Actually, Ham, your cousin
Becca's gonna be in town.

- She'll invite you inside.
- Score!

Nothing could be cooler
than going

to a dance with your cousin.

Well, Crispin said yes!

To making me
these wildberry smoothies.

You know, Judy, you shouldn't
feel pressure to go with Crispin

just because he's the hot new
thing, fresh in from Michigan.

Why not go with Gill Beavers
again?

He's so sweet.
Like an elderly pharmacist.

Gill's too sweet.
And Steven Huang was a dry run.

But this is a wet run.

Politely, I don't think
you know what you're saying.

What happened
when you tried to ask?

I went into a kind of hypnosis.

He talks with his mouth open,
and I could see down his throat,

which was very exciting to me.

-Oh! Been there!
-And I just kept
ordering smoothies,

because I could only remember
one word in my fugue state:

wildberry.

I certainly did not ask him
to the dance.

Judy, asking a man out is
like buying a timeshare.

The less you think about it
or discuss it with a lawyer,

the better. Watch this.

Hello, sir.
Would you like to date me?

Me? Wow. I would be honored.

Thank you, but I'm not
actually interested.

I was just showing
young Judy here

how to proposition a man.

Ah, for a second,
I thought, "Santiago,

your decades-long dry spell
is over." But, no, it continues.

Isn't life funny? Bye.

- Got it, Judes? Just like that.
- (giggles)

I got it.

Here I go, Alyson. Here I go.

Okay, here I go.

Ugh. Here... I... go.

Judy, your ride,
aka me, is here.

Hey, how about we pop over
to Smoothie Boss

and, uh, check out
the hip after-work crowd?

God, this crowd is hip.
I feel like I'm in Milan.

Welcome to Smoothie Boss.
How may I boss you today?

Oh, FYI, we're out
of wildberry powder.

You ate it all.

One tropical smoothie,
medium chunky, please.

Hey, you're that guy
in my history class

and my math class.

Yeah, and your biology class

and your gym class
and your every other class.

There are 16 kids in our grade,
and I'm one of them.

Ham. And you're Crispin.

- Oh. Sorry.
- Thank you.

- Oh. No, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. Sorry
I haven't been, like, outgoing.

We moved here three weeks ago,
but sometimes

I still miss Michigan.

This year's Miss Michigan is...
Crispin Cienfuegos! (laughs)

Ugh. I can't imagine moving.

I'd have to move all my snowmen,
but they'd melt.

And then
who would protect our new house?

Wow. You get it.

No one's ever said that to me.

Hey. So, are you going
to be at that dance

everyone's talking about?

Oh, he'll be there!
With our cousin Becca.

And you know what
I'm just thinking of right now,

is that you should go with me!

Oh, um, sure, I'll go with you,

and he'll go with cousin Becca,
and we'll, like, go together.

Okay, great. Oh!

I guess I'll be seeing you
in the conga line.

Not if you're in front of me.
(laughs)

Oh, I'd turn around...
to see you in the conga line.

♪ He said "yes"! ♪

- (knocking)
- Hello!

Um, I was just
stopping by because

you left this at Smoothie Boss.

Ah, my receipt?

Crispin, this is a pretty
thin excuse to come see me.

Is... Ham here?

I'm here, and I'm Ham.

I brought Judy her receipt.

She left it at Smoothie Boss.

She's a real Forgetful Filomena.

Well, shall we give you
the grand tour?

Oh. Okay. Sure.

Let me just lift
this velvet rope.

Great object work, Ham!

And I'm making microwave popcorn
for our tour.

Normally, I'd go stove-top,
but our gas got turned off

because Father lost everything
at the greyhound races,

and then...
Oh, ooh, oh, you left.

Here I come!

Look who couldn't stay away
from Lone Moose.

Becca, say hello
to your cousins.

Can I finish my page, Dad?

Wait a minute. Why are you
wearing wedding pants?

These are just my work pants.

No offense,
but you look like a lunatic.

I appreciate your
snobby clothes, Uncle Brian.

In the world of business, a
first impression is everything.

That's why, whenever
I'm in someone's office,

I move one object.
Now I'm in your head.

- You must be Honeybee.
- Mucho gusto.

You know, Wolf and I run
a few small ventures

from the guesthouse.

We thought you might be
interested in learning more.

Wow, this sounds great, but, uh,

I haven't peed in four hours,

so come along and pitch me
through the bathroom door.

You'll have to be loud.
I have a strong stream.

Of course you do.

Ah, Chez Ham.

We call it that
because it's my "chez."

Oh, good call
sitting over there.

This beanbag is
way less supportive.

But it's worth it
to look this cool

sitting alone
in a beanbag chair.

Those are just some leaves
I've loved.

I love a lot of leaves.

This is so creative, and
it kind of reminds me of home.

Lot of deciduous trees
in Michigan?

You can't even imagine.

(whispering):
Counterpoint: I can imagine

with this and this.

Let me just scoot
right over here.

And... ah, perfect. Ah.

This leaf looks like the Grinch,

but he was actually
a real sweetie.

You know who a real sweetie is?
Abraham Lincoln.

Some people say he kept a jar
of molasses under that tall hat.

You're weird. I like it.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

All right! Let's get down
to hanging out.

I bought glow-in-the-dark bait,
so our night fishing

is gonna be like a disco
for the fish.

A goodbye disco, because
of how we k*ll and eat them.

I actually have to catch up
on a bunch of e-mails,

but get in here. You can press
"send." That's the fun part.

- Swoosh! Another one.
- Clicked like a pro, Beef.

Who's next? Why don't we drop
Fred Futz a line?

Kerplunk. (laughs)

That was the line dropping.
Well, technically, the lure.

The line herself wouldn't make
any sound, as you know.

You know, selling these tubs
is a lot like fishing.

It is? Are there long,
thrilling bouts of waiting?

Indeed. I send out these e-mails
with nothing

but the warm bubbly bliss
of high-end hot tubs as my bait.

And then,
I wait to see who bites.

- Ooh, where's my "send" friend?
- Now we're fishing with gas!

It's something we would never
actually do. It's a pollutant.

JUDY: Wowsh McGowsh.

Is Crispin waiting
to walk me to class?

Moon, are my eyebrows even?
With each other.

Not with my ears
or with my lips.

Ooh. Are you sure
you want to do this now?

Hey. Can I, uh,
walk you to class?

Me as in me, or me as in Judy?

Yeah, your sister can come, too.

- Great.
- Hey, Crispin.

Judy, we're walking to class.

- V-formation, like geese.
- Okay.

Honk, honk. Here comes Judy!

♪ You, you make me feel alive ♪

♪ I'm happy just
to let you know ♪

♪ What's inside,
my heart is flying ♪

♪ I've been waiting for a chance
to show you who I am ♪

♪ Now, baby, please ♪

♪ You're like a Sunday morning
summer breeze. ♪

Well, hello, Shark.

If it isn't Lone Moose's most
entrepre-dorable couple.

- You got more ideas for me?
- We sure do.

Do you love eating food,

but hate cleaning said food off
of your elegant pants?

- You know what you need?
- A bib?

- Mm-mm.
- A stupid and unhelpful
paper towel?

- Mm-mm.
- What do I need? Lay it on me.

We'll lay it on you. Literally.

You need one of these
World-Famous Lapkins...

Extra-large napkins
for your adult-sized lap.

I guess I don't see the market?

But wait. We haven't explained

how Lapkins is also
a social media platform.

I'd love to hear it.

Can we circle back
after my client dinner?

Yeah, sometimes we circle back
with each other just for fun.

Oh, man, he wants Lapkins.

This is just a dance.

Tonight is the night he goes
from Crispin Cienfuegos

to I-Kissed-Him Cienfuegos.

♪

Time to wiggle.

♪

-Wow. -Whoa. -Um...

Are we supposed to be impressed?

Didn't get me, either.

Sorry, I forgot
to get you a corsage.

But I have this paper crown
from work in my pocket.

Uh, you can put it on your wrist
if you want to.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Ham, I also got you something.

(gasps) Shut up. Pinto beans?

When I saw them in my kitchen,
it reminded me of the, uh,

um, the time we sat
on the beanbag, together.

Because this is
an actual bag of beans.

(exhales) Gosh-ola.

I also look back fondly
on our beanbag hang.

Well, we should probably
get going.

Hey, uh, hop-hop on, dude.

You got it, dude.

They left.

Oh. No worries, Crispin!

I'll just meet you at the dance.

- Becca, let's go!
- Can I finish my page?

Welcome, everyone,
to the most romantic night

of the year for children.

Ladies, you'll now step forward
to invite your dates in.

Whatever. The simulation
makes our decisions anyway.

Brad Chamberlain.

I will be

inviting inside...

It's too cold for these pauses.
And I love drama.

...Crispin Cienfuegos.

I said: Crispin Cienfuegos!

- Whoa. Uhp. You got me.
- I got you.

- JUDY: Ham!
- Hey, Judy. What's up?

I'm trying to invite Crispin in,
and you're ruining it!

- Now, this I like.
- I said: Crispin Cienfuegos.

(laughs)

- Surprise.
- Ah!

I've decided to come along
and help you

- with your big client dinner.
- (exhales)

That is so generous,
but you don't need to.

No. I insist.

We'll hit him
with the classic Tobin charm,

and the deal will be closed
before we even get the menus.

Come on, let's get down
to Tobiz-ness.

Prentis.

I hope you don't mind,
I brought my brother Beef along.

Ah, pleased to meet you, Beef.

Prentis, so let's talk
about your needs.

I know what I need.
Mozzarella sticks.

(chuckles) I don't think
they have that.

BEEF:
Oh, look at these
little butterballs.

Mmm. Oh, you got to try one.
They're carved into seashells.

- Open up.
- No! No.

(muffled): No...

BEFF: Do you trust me, Prentis?

Give me your finger.

That, my friend, is just a taste

of what you can expect
from Brian's tubs.

-Please let
my client's finger go.
-Or I put my finger

in there, too, and now
you're hot-tubbin' with a pal.

One time, I found a dead bear
that I harvested for meat.

Beef, I-I'm not sure
this is the best story.

- Prentis is a strict vegetarian.
- Everyone loves this story.

So, when I cut open
its stomach, I found...

- Hey, why not...
- ...not one but two bats inside,

which is crazy,
because bears don't eat bats.

(laughs):
It's like, what-what...

what are you doing in there,
stupid bats?

H-Having a party?

Dumb bats. Wha...

(gulps) Bats.

Well, Brian, thank you

for this very enjoyable
but, uh, confusing dinner.

I don't think I know enough
about your hot tubs to make

any type of decision tonight, so
let's touch base in a few weeks.

Ooh, well, that went well.

He said he was gonna
touch your base.

Beef, "circle back" is good.
"Touch base" is very bad.

I'm gonna put down a credit
card. Go ahead and sign for me.

- I'll be in the car.
- (moans)

I should've put another finger
in the tiny hot tub.

-(dance music playing)
-This is what it's all about,
my freaks.

So...

- do you want to dance?
- What?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Uh, but first,
I have to go to the bathroom.

I also have
to go to the bathroom.

Desperately.
But not in a gross way.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Your sister had
a bathroom emergency.

So I was thinking, these
dance floor moments are few.

Maybe we could dance together?
So as not to waste them?

Yeah. I mean,
we shouldn't waste them.

That's wasting.

Oh. Crispin's dancing.

So is Ham.

They're doing it at each other.

♪ ♪

Oh, but...

- But...
- Oh! Judy, wait.

We were trying not to waste
the dance floor moments.

Crispin was supposed
to be my date.

And news flash, pinto beans
are not a good gift!

I'm sorry, Crispin, just...
I can't do this to my sister.

Goodbye, Ham Tobin.

I'll see you
in every single class.

That deal was really important
to me and you ruined it.

(sighs) I'm sorry.
I thought I was helping.

I just feel like you've changed.

You'd rather e-mail than fish.

You're right, Beef.
I've changed.

I love wearing wedding pants
every day.

I love crushing
conference calls.

This is who I am now.

But do you still like
Lone Moose?

Of course. I love Lone Moose,
because you're here.

And all our memories are here.

But the truth is,
when I was out fishing

or pressure-washing boats
that would later be fished in

or selling bulk
pulverized sardines

to use as bait for fishing,
I wasn't happy.

How is that possible?

Because being brothers doesn't
mean we're the same person.

It just means we care
about each other.

I do care. I'm gonna try
to support your big-city life,

even though I also think
it's terrible

and I miss you
and will you please move back?

- Beef.
- Sorry. I'll stop now.

I do enjoy your salon-bought
haircut, though.

It gives you
an air of authority,

like a flight attendant.

Well, then,
please remain seated, Beef,

in the first-class cabin
of my heart.

(crying) Stupid dance.
Stupid people dancing.

Dumb love is a stupid lie.

Like the "free cone" coupons
they won't honor at DQ.

"Ooh, they're expired, Judy."

Idiots!

I hate love.

- Hey, girl.
- (gasps) Who said that?

I did, you sad, sad lady,

weeping up a storm
on my special day.

Thomas Wintersbone? Is that you?

Girl, you know it's me.

Now, what in the hell
is wrong, sad lady?

You're a 16-year-old girl
at a school dance.

You should be in there
working the room,

dropping it low,
catching smooches.

Well, that's just it, Thomas.
I'm Smoochless in Seattle.

I came here tonight
to experience romance

with Crispin,
from Smoothie Boss?

But then he met my brother Ham.

And they're doing everything
I was supposed to do.

They flirted and laughed and
even shared a home-run smooch.

(sighs) All I ever wanted
was my own epic love story,

just like yours and Ruby's.

(shrieks) Epic love story?

Ruby Wrench and I
were not in love.

We were friends brought
together by a world

that made us both
feel like outsiders.

You see, Ruby, she preferred

the company
of her best friend Anne.

- JUDY: I don't understand.
- THOMAS: How can I put this?

They were women who kissed upon
the lips in the night, Judy.

- Oh, they were lesbians.
- Okay, sure.

Is that what you call it
nowadays?

And me, I was a lesbian for men.

Especially lumberjacks.

I was very lesbian
for lumberjacks.

Um, Thomas, two boys
is called "gay" now.

Too late, Judy, I'm dead.
May I go on?

Ruby and I decided to wed
to avoid persecution,

not for love.

And I promised to pay
a lumberjack

to build us
a second cabin, for...

- reasons.
- Because your love couldn't

- be contained by just one cabin?
- No, we were lesbians.

Focus up!

I d*ed alone in the snow,

because I couldn't be
my own fabulous self.

People didn't like the truth
of my untimely demise,

so they made up a story
they found more agreeable.

Does that sound familiar?

Maybe a little bit
like what you've done

with yours and Crispin's
epic love story?

What? Oh, maybe.

Love is a precious thing,
ladybug.

Let Ham have his.

And don't waste yours on someone
who can't even return it.

I think I know
what I have to do.

And you always did.

Actually that's not true.

I really had to walk you
right up to it.

This dance
is a five-alarm fire of lies.

And, well, it's time to pull out
the liar extinguisher.

(laughs)
Ooh, I've got to write that down

- and use it for my memoirs.
- (alarm ringing)

Please move away
from the burning building

- before it explodes!
- Everybody, there is no
burning building!

I pulled the fire alarm,
because we need a redo.

This dance was founded on a lie.

Thomas and Ruby weren't in love.

Their biggest dream was to live
in two separate cabins.

Um, their love couldn't be
contained by just one cabin.

Uh, no, they were gay!
This isn't a love story.

It's a story about two people
who couldn't be themselves.

It's a story about
someone who d*ed,

alone in the snow,
trying to fit in.

If we really want to celebrate
Thomas and Ruby,

tonight shouldn't be about
rules or tradition

or staying outside
in homage to Thomas.

He hated it outside.

This should be a night
where everyone can have fun.

No matter who they are
or who they like.

Yeah, and if you're a girl
who wants to stay out here

and make snow demons under
the impenetrable night sky,

that's allowed, too.

Uh, yeah, sure.
And one more thing:

Crispin, I'm uninviting you in.

(gasps) Delicious.

There's someone else
you really should've gone with

in the first place.

Ham, get up here.

I'd like to invite
Crispin Cienfuegos in.

- Hi.
- Hey.

To Brian.

But wait, how ever
will we keep these beers cold

- in this hot steam?
- Our Roadkill Koozies

are well-insulated,
sustainable and fun.

- (yelps)
- So, do we have a deal?

Do I love the koozie business
as an investor? No.

But scary and full of whimsy?
Give me three.

Great. Honeybee, start the car.

We need to get two more
by midnight.

(dance music playing)

I think you're very beautiful,

Judy Tobin.

Inside and out. Dance with me?

Thanks, Gill. Let's do it.

♪ ♪

♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪

♪ Don't just stand there
by the wall ♪

♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪

♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪

-♪ Come on! ♪
-♪ Fun and creamy,
round and rich ♪

♪ From the ocean to your lips ♪

♪ From the shores of Waikiki ♪

♪ To the bowl in front of me ♪

♪ Clinging to the hulls
of ships ♪

♪ Everybody shake your hips ♪

♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪

♪ Don't be a flower
on the wall ♪

♪ Perfect seashell butterballs ♪

♪ Let's get naughty-cal ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Now you're eating butter
with a pal. ♪