01x09 - Tusk in the Wind Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

WOLF:
Well, Dad, another day

of taking down some
hard-core halibut,

- the perps of the sea.
- Son, I want to act like I know

what you're talking about, but it's been

a long day and I just
don't have the strength.

Whenever it's just
the two of us on the boat,

I feel like we're a couple
of TV detectives

hitting the street,
and the fish are the bad boys.

Like I'm Crockett
and you're Tubbs.

Or I'm Rizzoli and you're...

- Dad, watch out!
- What the...

Wow, definitely
a Rizzoli move, Dad.

Wait, the name on that boat.

- Dad, that's the Lucey Gucey.
- "The" Lucey Gucey?

You know who
that boat belongs to.

BOTH: Tusk Johnson!

Okay, movie buffs,
who's ready for

another Tobin Family Film Friday?

- Pizza's up.
- Sweet. Popcorn?

- Buttery and more buttery.
- Copy that. Dad and Wolf?

- Inbound.
- Perfect.

And imaginary drumroll as
Tobin Family Film Friday starts

in a-three, a-two...

BOTH:
Tusk Johnson's in town!

Uh-oh. Is this a warning?
[gasps]

Do we need to pack
our things and go on the run?

What? [laughs]
No.

You've never heard of

The Alaskan Adventures
of Tusk Johnson?

- It was a hit TV show for years.
- Local Alaska public access.

He's basically Dad's
favorite person.

And Wolf's favorite person
who isn't Dad.

I can't believe he's
actually here in Lone Moose.

Word is he's been living
in the woods

with a pack of wolves
since his show ended.

Apparently, he's actually
faster running on four legs

- than on two now.
- This was a TV show that

people actually watched? Just a
guy wandering around in the woods?

Hell yeah.
But, oh, how he wandered.

How... he... wandered.

Okay, you know I don't like
to throw around the phrase

"white nonsense,"
but this definitely qualifies.

The man was a legend,
unmatched in the Alaskan arts.

And unmatched in kick-ass
theme songs.

- Check this out.
- ♪ He lives in the woods ♪

♪ And survives on the land ♪

♪ And he never met a beast
that he couldn't tame ♪

♪ He'll take down a bear,
fight a wolf in his lair ♪

♪ If you live in the wild
then you know his name ♪

♪ It's Tusk Johnson,
mountain man ♪

♪ Living in the woods
just because he can ♪

♪ Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪

♪ Did we mention that Tusk
has a sidekick, Dan? ♪

Wait, I have seen this guy,
at the Russian restaurant yesterday.

According to Zoya, he's been
hanging out there

every night this week,
but his hair was grayer

and he had a shirt on.

I noticed him because he
ordered a "soup cup of ranch,"

and I thought to myself,
"Uh-huh, game recognize game."

He's been here all week? I knew
there was something in the air.

I thought it was
just another accident

they were covering up
at the oil refinery.

But it must have been Tusk.

And he's hanging out at our
very own Russian restaurant?

Dad, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- We should leave him alone.
- We should go meet him.

Well, I guess it might be
okay to look at him

from across the room.

Wait, Dad, it's your night
to pick the movie.

Yes, and I take that role
seriously, which is why

I keep this box of preapproved
VHS recorded movies

for the family, ready to go in
the event of my untimely death.

Wow, we would be devastated.

- But the show must go on!
- [sighs] Fine.

I guess we'll start the movie
without you guys.

- That's the spirit.
- [gasps] What's Dy-nasty?

- Oh, Dynasty.
- Mm.

There are a bunch in here
with that written on them

in Mom's handwriting.
We'll just give it five minutes,

then pop it out and watch
a real mov... [gasps]

What strange glamour is this?

Look at those office buildings.

Denver. We have to go there.
She calls to me.

Oh, hello, Wayne Northrop.
And good day, John Forsythe.

- Dad, it's him.
- Oh!

- Wow.
- Am I crazy,

- or does he have a glow?
- BEEF: Oh, he's gorgeous.

- We gotta say hi.
- Wait, Wolf!

- [shuddering] Ha... ha...
- Uh, hi?

[squeakily]
Ha-ha-ha... Hi.

[high-pitched] Ha...

- [clears throat] Hi.
- Hi.

- [stammering] Hi. Hi. Ha.
- [clears throat] Hi. Hi...

A-Are you guys singing?
Are you, like, the male Judds?

BOTH: [straining]
You're Tusk Johnson.

Yes, I am. [sniffs]
That smell, is that...

It's probably me.
When I'm nervous,

my sweat smells like Cheetos
and Brut for men.

No, no, this is more like oil
and Damascus steel.

The kind of a scent
you might give off

if you were carrying
a full-tang fixed bobcat Kn*fe

with a one-piece wood handle.

Hammer-forged blade,
grain leather,

with an aniline-finish sheath.

The C- Beast Tracker. Nice.

Uh, I have one, too.
It's broken and I lost it.

Let me buy you fellas a drink.
Three whiskeys.

I'll have my whiskey
with a root beer back

and a Sprite chaser, and then
another Sprite, just separately.

Wait, so Adam was lying to Claudia

- about Blake the whole time?
- Yeah.

He just wanted to take over
her father's company.

I've learned so much about
how to be an adult tonight.

There's more face slapping
than I'd ever dared dream.

[all singing]
♪ Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪

♪ Did we mention that
Tusk has a sidekick, Dan? ♪

- Man, I have so many questions about the show.
- Me, too. Did you really eat

- all those bees, even though you're allergic?
- You have that backwards.

Bees are actually allergic to me.

Man, it is good to meet folks
with a real enthusiasm for the wild.

That's why I came back to Alaska
to sh**t my new show.

- No... way.
- Wait. What?!

- No... no way!
- What?!

Yes way. I am making
The New Alaskan Adventures

of Tusk Johnson, but
I'm sh**ting this one myself.

- Down and dirty.
- Oh, that is so cool.

Oh, man, Mr. Johnson,
we didn't just watch your show.

We actually tried some of your
wildest outdoor challenges.

I even rafted down some rapids
on a single log, just like you.

[chuckles] Well, we both did it.
Father and son,

side by side on the river,
mounted upon logs,

- each doing a good job.
- Impressive.

Even my sidekick Dan needed
two logs to get down the rapids.

Whatever happened to Dan?

- He wasn't in the last season.
- Yeah. Dan. He, uh...

he went behind my back,
tried to get his own show.

Stole my crew, my producer
and my wife.

And now I'm going through
a hell of a divorce.

Bar closing.
Your card declined.

Ah, man.
That'll be my ex-wife

going nuts on
BikiniWorld.com again.

She's never met a tankini
she didn't wanna bring home.

I'll just go get some cash out.
You guys hold tight.

Well, now, how about
we get the drinks?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- I couldn't.
- We insist.

Wow, I-I really appreciate that.
Thank you.

Well, no credit card
means no hotel.

- What about your boat?
- It got towed,

when I left it in the
wrong dock this afternoon.

So I better go find someplace to
dig a nice comfy sleeping hole.

Or you can dig
a nice comfy sleeping hole

- in our couch.
- Don't worry.

It's not a fold-out
and it's very uncomfortable.

Sounds like a dream.

Kids, did you know that
Tusk once survived

a week on a mountain wearing
only leaves and bark?

Wow. How'd you stop
the hypothermia?

I embraced it. See this leg?
It's been frostbit so much,

I can't even
feel my upper thigh.

Go ahead, jam that fork in it.

- Moon, I wouldn't...
- HAM: No!

- Why, Lord?
- Ha-ha! Do it again, Boone.

- Hyah! - Oh, he did it again.
- I can't watch.

Moon, please, let's try
not to s*ab our guest.

You know, Tusk,
if you want a great story

about living in these woods,
I should tell you about the time

I crossed an ice plain
in a blizzard

to return a baby caribou
to its mother

after it wandered
into the hospital

- while Moon was being born.
- Hell of a day.

Or what about that time
when I built that cabin

with my bare hands?
Fell down right away.

Lucky no one was in it,
but it was fun while it lasted.

Ah, sounds like you're both
pretty accomplished outdoorsmen.

How about we have
a friendly little competition

and see what you guys can do?

Oh, an outdoor competition with
me, my dad and Tusk Johnson?

- That's my fantasy threesome.
- Babe, no.

All right, let's jump in the van
and head up

- to some real untamed country.
- [grunts]

Aah! Wrong leg!

All right, the first challenge
is a -foot tree climb. And go!

Round one: Beef.
Next task: tree felling.

WOLF: Man, this is fun!

Oh, I see this round is over.

Round two: Beef.
Time for the shelter build.

Aw, well, darn it, that just
fell down on its own.

Round three: Wolf.

- Fishing.
- Get out of here, buddy. Shoo.

I'm trying to let my son win.
You understand?

- Do you have a family?
- Yeah!

We got ourselves a tie.

Last round.
Let's make a fire.

Oh, man, this is harder
than I remember.

- And Wolf wins.
- Yes! In your face, Dad!

Ah, but that's enough ribbing.

- Let's move on to hugging.
- Whoa.

Yeah, our hugs are pretty tender.

No, no, no,
I'm talking about those.

Three golden eagle eggs.
You know how much

those would go for on the
rare animal black market?

- A million dollars.
- each. U.S. D's.

- That is wildly specific.
- Gotta be a way I can get those eggs.

Get the eggs?
Why would you want to do that?

It's illegal,
not to mention an affront

- to the wilderness herself.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I meant I was just gonna
"get" them.

You know, like, really,
really understand those eggs.

- That is so deep, Tusk.
- Huh. Because it sounded for a second

like you were planning on actually
taking and selling those eggs.

Once again, Beef,
you misunderstood me.

Yes, I believe I have
misunderstood you. [dramatic music]

Well, it's time we head back
to the house anyway.

And you probably need
to figure out

where you're gonna dig
your sleeping hole tonight.

Oh, well, uh,
I'm thinking it's better

if I stay with you guys tonight,
because, uh,

we gotta get up early

- to start sh**ting the show.
- What do you mean?

This was all an audition. I want
both of you to be on my show.

And I want to sh**t it
on your boat!

- Well, wait a minute. I'm not...
- Aah! We got the parts?

- You hear that, Dad?
- Yep. I want you to be my new Dans.

Oh, wow, I can't believe
I'm gonna be a Dan with my dad.

What do you say, Beef?

[music]

- Fine.
- Sick!

[echoing] Sick, sick, sick, sick...

Your mom had some great stuff.
I love this robe.

Yep, she loved it, too.
That's what she always wore

- to parent-teacher night.
- All right.

- Pop in that tape.
- WOLF: Guys,

me and Dad are gonna be
on Tusk's show!

Whoo-hoo, is it set in Denver?

- Uh, no.
- Then we probably don't care.

Maybe you guys didn't hear me.
We're the new Dans.

Ugh, if you all must
continue talking,

- would you kindly do it on the veranda?
- [knock on door]

Ah, that'd be Doris,
my, uh, cameraman.

We're just gonna prep
for the sh**t tomorrow.

A guest? Now?
It's nearly : .

Oh, don't worry, Beef, we'll
keep it quick and professional.

Hi. You got any wine?
Or vanilla extract?

TUSK: How many times are we
gonna have this argument?

DORIS: Until you get it
through your thick head.

There are nine
Fast & Furious movies. Nine!

- Eight. Hobbs & Shaw doesn't count.
- It does.

It's called Fast & Furious
Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.

How could that not count?

How could you say that to me?

It's true, my sister is
way hotter than your sister,

- and you know it!
- You're blind!

TUSK: The butt is the elbow
of the back. It's so obvious!

What's up, Tusketeers?
Your old pal Tusk is back.

With Beef and Wolf Tobin,
two of Alaska's top fishermen.

Wolf, tell everybody
the name of this boat.

We're on The Mighty Kathleen.

It was named after my mother,
who actually left my dad.

Yeah, great. Uh, Beef.

What are we looking for
in these waters?

- Fish.
- DORIS: Wait, wait.

- The screen's just black.
- [sighs]

Damn it, Doris.
Okay, let's cut.

I'm exhausted. I don't think
I slept a wink last night.

Right? I was up all night
with anticipation, too.

But this is so cool. Us in front
of the lens, catching fish.

And Doris behind the scenes
getting it all on tape.

She's dropped the camera
in the water three times.

Guys, let's get a sh*t of Wolf
using the trawler net

- to pull in some fish.
- Sweet. Action sh*t.

Hang on. We don't actually
have a license

to do trawler fishing
this time of year.

Ah, it's fine.
Who's gonna know?

Come on, Dad, it's for the show.

This is the wild.
Wild man rules.

- Tusk rules.
- BEEF: On my boat, it's my rules.

- Beef rules.
- Uh, little help?

- Wolf!
- [whimpers] My body!

[strains]
Let go of the winch.

- Wolf's gonna get hurt.
- He's fine.

- You okay, son?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Unbelievable.

I know. We're actually gonna
be on Tusk Johnson's show!

TUSK: Ol' Beef.
Hell of a day, huh?

First, never refer to me
as "Old Beef."

Second, I think
it's time for you to leave.

Is this about me peeing with
the toilet lid down last night?

- 'Cause I apologized for that.
- Who'd you apologize to?

Eh, it's just an expression.
What about the show?

Tusk, be honest.
There's no show.

I mean, not on TV,

but I'll probably
put some stuff up online.

Can I borrow your computer?

I actually thought
you were the real deal.

But it's pretty clear to me now
that the man I watched on TV

all those years was just a fake.

Wha... Where am I
supposed to sleep?

I don't know.
But I just took out $

from my retirement fund,
which means I'll now retire

days later
than I had planned.

And that should be enough
to get you out of here

and away from Wolf.

I'll give you a minute
to say goodbye to him

and get your things
from the house.

Yeah, yeah. Tell Wolf I said
"later," and the only thing

I left in your house was farts.
You're welcome!

Well, well, well, it's time
for Dynasty and yet...

[chuckles]
I see no snacks.

Remind me, whose turn
was it to get snacks?

You know damn well
it was your turn, sister.

He's right, Judy.
You've betrayed this family

- for the last time.
- Guys, guys. Let's put the tape in.

We're all just on edge
because we don't know

who survived the Moldavian
wedding m*ssacre yet.

Hello, everyone. It's a lovely
Lone Moose evening.

What do you say we all go out

for a delicious meal as a family?

Ugh, Dad, not right now.
Season six is starting.

Yeah, give us, like,
more hours.

Hey, Dad, have you seen Tusk?

I thought of a cool accent I
could try out for my character.

[Scottish accent]
Woe betide you, lads.

'Tis halibut in them
there waters.

Uh, actually,
Tusk had to take off.

He mentioned something about
having to rush back to Hollywood?

For a... w-what did he say?...
big-time lunch of some sort.

Really?
He didn't even say goodbye.

Father, brother, please, hush up.

The Moldavian wedding m*ssacre.

You have some nerve
coming here, Tabitha.

- [all gasping]
- HONEYBEE: Whose train is that?

NARRATOR:
[over TV] And these massive trains

carry goods and supplies
throughout Alaska.

The coal car. The well car.

The t*nk car.

Mr. Tobin, did you tape over
season six of Dynasty

or am I just going frickin'
balls-to-the-walls bonkers over here?

Ooh. Forgot I recorded
this series on freight trains

- of America two years ago.
- So, Tusk just left?

So there's no more Dynasty?

NARRATOR:
The wood chip car. The salt car.

- The oil car.
- Unbelievable.

And the caboose.

Well, let's go
to this dumb dinner, then.

You better lawyer up, Dad,

'cause I'm gonna sue you
into the ground for this.

Cheer up, son.
I see some Jumbo Gumbo

on this menu
with your name on it.

I really thought Tusk wanted me
to be a part of the show.

I'm sure you have other heroes.

What about that
Reginald VelJohnson?

Are the kids still into him?

I think I'm just gonna go
outside and look at the stars

and think about how Tusk is
somewhere under those same stars.

[music]

[sighs]
Tusk.

- What?
- Aah! Tusk!

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I stash my beers out here

so I don't have to pay
for them in the bar.

- Want a pull?
- Uh, I'm good.

Dad said you went to Hollywood.

- Yeah. Yeah, I bet he did.
- W-What do you mean?

Look I don't want to say
bad things about your dad,

but he wasn't too keen
on you and me working

together anymore, so he kicked me out.

- Dad lied to me?
- I think he was just jealous.

He could tell I had my eye
on you to be my number-one Dan.

Whoa.
What number was Dan?

You know, I probably shouldn't
even be talking to you.

Plus, I got to focus
on this top-secret adventure

we're gonna sh**t
for the show tomorrow.

I mean, I'd love to tell you
what it is,

but, you know,
team members only.

Well, what if I want
to be back on the team?

- Oh, Your dad wouldn't go for that.
- [scoffs]

It's not up to my dad.
I'm a grown son.

Uh, g-give me one of those beers.

- Ugh.
- Oh, sorry, I was ashing in that one.

[sighs]
Real life is so boring.

Where's the drama?
Where are all the murders?

[scoffs] Denver would
eat these people alive.

The Jumbo Gumbo's getting cold.
Where's your brother?

- You mean this brother, Father?
- Wolf, honey, what's wrong?

That's your "somebody ate
the last Triscuit" stance.

You're right, but this time
it's not about Triscuits.

It's about Dad covering up
the truth-scuits.

It was you
who told Tusk to leave!

- [gasping]
- No.

I did. He's a reckless fraud
and a bad influence.

Not to mention uncouth.

Well, I can monitor couth levels
on my own from now on.

- Tell him he's out of the will, Dad.
- I was trying to protect you.

Protect me? You're just jealous
because Tusk liked me better.

I was his number-one Dan.

[gasps] Dad and Wolf
fighting over Tusk?

[chuckles] This is Alexis and Krystle
at the cotillion all over again.

Son, I don't expect you
to understand.

Oh, I understand.

I understand that you hate
that I b*at you

- in the outdoor competition.
- Wolf, I let you win.

[all gasping]

God, I wish Dad
was wearing pearls

so Wolf could tear them
off his neck.

You wanted a truth-scuit,
you got a truth-scuit!

No. No.
That's bull-scuit!

He's gonna do it.
This guy's about to storm out.

- [applause]
- Oh wait, that was real.

I better go after him.

- Morning, Beef.
- Good morning.

Um, would you mind
getting Wolf for me?

Sorry, but he left
pretty early with Tusk.

With Tusk? Honeybee, I need
you to tell me where they went.

- Tusk is a very dangerous person.
- I'm sure Wolf is fine.

He just said they were going
to get some eggs.

Eggs?
No. No, no, no, no, no!

Uh oh, did you two
have breakfast plans?

He can eat twice!

So, you actually saw the mother
eagle get att*cked by a bear?

Yeah, I chased him off,
but the damage had been done.

Now there's no one left
to take care of those eggs.

Little golden orphans.

So somebody's got
to protect them.

Like when Dan and I rescued
that baby wolverine.

- Remember that?
- Of course.

I remember everything about Dan.

- Five, ten. Gemini.
- Buddy, if you pull this off,

no one will even remember
who Dan was.

All right, Doris, start the camera.

Should the log be this wobbly?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You want it wobbly.

If it's too rigid it could break.

Okay, three, two, one.
Tusketeers,

meet my new Dan, Wolf Tobin,
who's about to cross this log

to rescue some
sweet little golden eagle eggs

- from predators. You ready, Wolf?
- Oh, uh,

- you're not coming with me?
- Oh, no.

I'm gonna be here,
helping the car brace the log.

[whispers] I don't want
to upstage you, pal.

- This is your big moment.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Go get 'em, Wolf.

Hey, Tusk?
I'm thinking maybe this isn't...

- [car door closes]
- Okay, never mind.

Who's the Dan?
You're the Dan.

Who's the Dan?
You're the Dan...

- Aah!
- Doing great, buddy! Keep going!

- Where's Wolf and Tusk?
- I'm fine, thank you.

But things
are a bit of a mess up there.

- What do you mean, "a mess"?
- Well, Tusk is pretty drunk,

and Wolf's about
to plummet to his death

and I couldn't get any service
on my cell phone.

Get in!

Oh, man, this was dumb.

The only TV show
I'm gonna be on now

is Dumb Guys who d*ed Dumb.

Wolf, I'm here. What's
the status on that log, buddy?

Well, Dad, it's not good.
It seems like if I move at all,

this log is gonna fall
into the crevasse.

But if I don't move at all,
this log

is also gonna fall
into the crevasse.

And Tusk, well,
he's passed out in the Kia,

which is good, because I think
if he wakes up and moves at all,

this log is gonna fall
into the crevasse.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do:

I'm attaching one end
of this rope to the van.

I'm gonna toss you the other
end. Tie it around yourself.

That way, even if the log falls
into the crevasse...

which seems inevitable,
based on your calculations...

- you won't go with it.
- Hey, Dad?

Don't talk, Wolf.
Don't even move.

But I just want to say I'm sorry.

You were right. Tusk is a
fraud and a thief and a user.

And, frankly, he's uncouth as hell.

Don't worry about any of
that, son. Here comes the rope.

Yeah, I should have
known he was using me.

I'm nobody special.

I just wanted to believe that
he was as cool as he was on TV.

I mean, it was Tusk Johnson...
Oh!

- Oh, God! Oh, the log is moving!
- Oh, God! Wolf!

The log is moving!
The log is moving!

- Aah!
- Please tell me the rope is over your body.

Almost. Also, all the blood's
rushing to my butt

and it feels crazy.

My point is I-I should have
listened to you,

but I was being
a real Hollywood Hank,

and now I'm up here
stuck on a log,

hanging upside down
over a crevasse.

So, I'm sorry.
And I love you.

- And I... Aah!
- Wolf!

Well, hell.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Wolf.

I think I hit
my penis pretty bad.

But other than that, I'm okay.

You know, Dad, I don't
want to be mean, but

I don't think The Alaskan
Adventures of Tusk Johnson

- is my favorite show anymore.
- Wait, this guy had a TV show?

I thought he was making that up.

About what you said up there
about not being special:

Wolf, you're one of the most
special people I know.

You've got a kind heart and
you think the best of everybody,

even when they sometimes turn
out to be absolute bull-scuit.

Thanks, Dad. You know
what else I'm thinking?

I don't think Dan
stole the show from Tusk.

- I think, uh...
- Oh, no, Dan's definitely dead.

Yeah, he's definitely dead.

BEEF: All right, Tobins,
who's ready for another

Tobin Family Film Friday?

- Oh, and what is this?
- [gasps] Dad? No way.

- Dynasty season six?
- Six through nine.

Dad, I love you again.

FYI, babe,
we're honeymooning in Denver.

Sweet! I hear
it's a very bikeable city.

Perfect for lovers.

I don't think
I'll be taken in by Dynasty

the way the rest
of you were, but...

Oh, my word,
who is that gentleman?

And what a handsome bank.

♪ He lives in the woods
and survives on the land ♪

♪ He never met a beast
that he couldn't tame ♪

♪ He'll take down a bear,
fight a wolf in his lair ♪

♪ If you live in the wild
then you know his name ♪

♪ It's Tusk Johnson,
mountain man ♪

♪ Living in the woods
just because he can ♪

♪ It's Tusk Johnson,
mountain man ♪

♪ Did we mention that Tusk
has a sidekick, Dan. ♪