02x05 - Beef's Craig Beef Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪ -
♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you
can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest
night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

She's like Christmas
for your eyes, ain't she?

I wouldn't kick that kayak
out of bed for eating crackers.

Me, neither. So what's the
BoatFax on this bad boy?

Owned for 50 years by
a doctor and her husband

in Kachemak before
he passed, mid-kayak.

Gosh, I'm torn. This kayak
has such romantic history.

It could also be super haunted.

I need a second
opinion. Dad? Dad?

Come check out this kayak.
I need to know if it's haunted.

Not sure why he's
looking in rec vehicles.

He's strictly a workboat guy.

Calls pleasure craft "water
trash." Hey, Dad? Dad?

♪ Vroom ♪

♪ Whoosh ♪

Whee!

Vroom. Whoosh.

He's been coming by a couple
times a week for the past month.

It's very common
for people his age

to suddenly get interested
in a craft like that.

It's what I call "a
midlife crisis vessel."

But Dad's not
having a midlife crisis.

He just turned 40 exactly
a month ago... Oh, my God.

Uh, hey, uh, Dad, uh, uh,
What are you looking at?

Oh, just looking at this
gaudy contraption. Yuck.

$900 for a Sea-Doo?

More like Sea-Don't.

Am I right?

Guys, this lunch-slash-meeting

is about Dad. I don't know
if you watch him like a hawk,

with awe and admiration,
like I do, but if so,

you may have noticed
that he's been acting

a little different lately.

Cologne?

Sugar.

Reversible. Can't be.

Papa. Papa, no.

What's the big deal
with Beef using a little bit

of sugar or getting
a reversible belt?

Because Dad says
coffee is a tool, not a drink.

You use it, you don't enjoy it.

And he thinks reversible
belts fall apart much faster

than regular belts because
of all of the reversing.

"It's half
the belt for twice the price."

That means he bought
it purely for fashion.

And I didn't know
what it all added up to

until what happened this
morning at the boat yard.

I discovered that Dad's
been going there every week

to stare at a Jet Ski.

Yeah. And then he
just drifts off into space

and giggles while saying
"vroom" and "whoosh."

So after going on W-Eb-MD
and eliminating illness, dr*gs

or Dad having Joker syndrome,
I was able to figure it out

with no help whatsoever
from Edna at the boat yard.

Guys, Dad's going
through a midlife crisis.

It was his 40th birthday
last month, and traditionally,

Tobins who survive
past childhood

die at exactly 80.

I mean, except for Tobias
Tobin, who d*ed at 54

during the first-ever Lone
Moose hot dog eating contest.

Yep, the runner-up sh*t him.

Anyway, Dad's clearly
feeling the pressure of 40.

There's only one way
to keep him from falling

through the thin emotional ice
he's currently dancing all over.

We help him get
that Sea-Doo jet ski.

We just need $900.

How are we supposed
to get that kind of cash?

Uh, yeah, I make associ-ette
photograph-ette money.

I've still got some of my
bar mitzvah money left.

What bar mitzvah money,
Ham? We're not Jewish.

Do you want to get Dad's Sea-Doo

or do you want to interrogate me

about my bar mitzvah
money all day?

Well, now I will dramatically
reveal the reason

I asked you guys to meet
me here instead of the house.

- Ta-da!
- Yeah, we've all seen that typo before.

- We know it says "warffles," and we love it.
- No, look.

I wanted to show you this ad.

Oh, we can do the Herring Run.

Herring Run? What
are they running from?

They look so happy.

But I guess you can never
really know a fish's secrets.

Every year, the department
of fish and wildlife

lets people catch
herring for 15 minutes,

and then that's it for the
rest of the year... that's all.

It's like playing the lottery.

Some get an entire
year's salary in 15 minutes,

others get no herring at all.

It's pretty ding-dang exciting.

I don't know. Dad
always says it's too flashy.

But I guess we could try.

We'll just have to
be very, very subtle.

- Surprise!
- Aah!

A surprise party.
Wow, great surprise.

Now I'll go to my room while
you complete the party part.

It's not a party, Dad.
It's an intervention.

We had an off-site family
meeting at Maude's because

we know about the
belt and the sugar

and the Scent Sail, a
cologne for adventurous men.

You're going through a
midlife crisis, and that's okay.

Midlife crisis?
No, that's not me.

That's for people in Ketchikan.
Or those fellas from Wild Hogs.

I can smell your cologne
from here. It's wonderful.

Fine, I bought cologne
and a reversible belt.

It made me feel like a
Mad Men. Don't judge me.

We're not judging, Dad.

But you're not going to fill the
Sea-Doo size hole in your heart

with reversible belts
and bottles of cologne.

Only a Sea-Doo
can fill your Doo hole.

I think Wolf's right,
Dad. All you do is fish,

sleep an adequate
four and a half hours

and eat food for
energy and not pleasure.

You should treat yourself.

Okay, fine.

Honestly, I would
love a Sea-Doo.

But it's so
impractical. Yet cool,

In a Miami Vice Don
Johnson kind of way.

- Love me some Don John.
- I'm more of a Tubbs girl.

And this one has four
seats, so we could all enjoy,

in sensible shifts
of four at a time.

But where am I gonna
get an extra $900?

I carefully plan every
penny we spend,

down to the lightbulb
we'll have to buy next week

when the one in the living
room is scheduled to burn out.

- Voilà!
- The Herring Run?

I don't want to mess
with the Herring run.

I hate it. All those boats
and planes... it's a circus.

How am I supposed to fish if
I can't even hear the ocean?

If I can't sense the
puffins diving for herring,

the whispers of the
whales scooping them up?

Dad, you won't need
your sixth sense for fish.

I'll get my ex-girlfriend
Lara to go up in her plane

and spot for us.

Okay, but my ex-friend
Craig Ptarmigan will he there,

and I steer clear
of Craig at all costs.

Dad, you got to
give up this idea

that Craig is your
secret nemesis.

He-he is the sweetest
sweetheart in town.

Not to me, he isn't.

He's had a grudge
against me for years,

and I don't know why.
The man's out to get me.

Dad, just because you
and Craig grew apart

doesn't mean
he's out to get you.

This is just like when Stacey
B got popular and told me

she was too cool to hang
out with me.

Just a painless,
mutual parting of ways.

Craig's a good guy, Dad.
He gives so much to the town.

As they say at the Ptarmigan
Geology Center: Craig rocks.

And the slide he donated
to the town playground

is one of the
best I've ever slid.

Sometimes I close my eyes
and pretend I'm being swallowed

by a giraffe. Pure bliss.

Dad, you shouldn't be
thinking about Craig Ptarmigan.

You should be
thinking about getting

that mother-scratchin'
Sea-Doo. Okay?

Now, we'll all pitch in
and catch just enough fish

to buy that Sea-Doo,
and no more.

Well, it would just be a
day of fishing with you all,

which is my
favorite kind of day.

Let's do it.

Frang dang! Get ready
to fill your Doo hole, Dad!

Hmm. Where are
you, old binoculars?

Dad needs you
for the Herring Run.

He prefers your
vintage lenses. Oh, hey.

Who's this guy?

♪ Bow, bow, bow, beautiful sea ♪

♪ Bow, bow, bow, bow,
come look at it with me ♪

♪ B-Bow, bow, bow. ♪

Whoa. A fish, but
with... personality?

Do you like my singing?

Wait, did you just talk to me?

I did. But the singing?

Oh, thrilling. Don't stop.

I mean, I know the talking
part is just my imagination, but...

- Save me.
- What?

I hate it here in the
shed. Take me to the sea.

♪ Beautiful sea,
bow, bow, bow, bow ♪

♪ Come look at it with me ♪

♪ B-Bow, bow, bow,
my ancestral home. ♪

Let's get you home, friend.

Dusty and Londra and
their crew look really impressive.

And intimidating.
And kind of... sexy?

I'm gonna file that
away to explore later.

Wow, being 16 is a wild ride.

What's Craig doing
near our boat?

Dad, calm down.

He's just walking on
his feet like we are.

Hey, Beef. I saw
that you signed up.

Glad you could make it.

I just stopped by your
boat, but you weren't there.

I was gonna give you this.

I've been collecting
four-leaf clovers all year

to pass 'em out today.

- Hope it brings you luck.
- Aw, Craig.

Thank
you kindly, Mr. Ptarmigan.

May the road rise to meet you.

And may the ocean put many fish

in your pockets
today, my friends.

Good luck my butt.

See? Craig Ptarmigan's
not out to get you.

In fact, he got
you this lovely gift.

Clovers should have
three leaves, Judy.

I'm sure it's cursed. He
probably got it from Gerald,

that male witch who
lives near the dump.

It's all part of
Craig's twisted game.

So, Beef,
what's your beef with Craig?

I followed him on Snaphole

and he seems like a total
sweetie on social media.

Last week he
posted a video of him

bottle feeding a baby dolphin.

Well, growing up, we always
sat next to each other in class

because the teacher didn't
know Ptarmigan started with a P.

So we became friends.
We both liked pie

and cake equally.

We always had the
same number of teeth.

We even have the same
birthday, which was so fun.

But after high school we
just stopped hanging out.

And for the past 20 years,

I feel like he's been
messing with me,

and I have no idea why.

- Messing with you how?
- Well, one day I found

a bucket of rotting chum on
my boat and saw someone

- who may or may not have been Craig walking away.
- Mm-hmm.

And one time at
Val-U-Buy, his cart, quote,

"got away from him"
and crashed into our van.

I also have a
suspicion that for years

He's been replacing all my nets

with nearly identical
nets. It's diabolical.

Who knows what he'll do
here at the Herring Run.

Dad, you got to stop
thinking about Craig Ptarmigan

and you got to start
thinking about herring.

Are you herring that, Dad?

You get it?

Yes, I herr you.

All right, let's all
go in for our final

herring run... through.

Are you guys gonna be
doing herring puns all day?

Yes. And that's
my fin-al answer.

Oh, boy.

Oh, thank you for
bringing me, Ham,

to the mother ocean.

Press my button again
so I may sing unto her.

♪ B-Bow, bow, bow, how
far could the ocean go? ♪

♪ Is there any way ♪

♪ For us to know? ♪

♪ Bow, the beautiful sea. ♪

Actually, Ham, we do
know how far it goes. Very.

And earlier, when I said there's
at least 1,000 fish in the sea?

Also true. And soon,
1,000 of my herring brethren

will be hauled into the air,
where they are doomed to die.

Oh, no. Are they as
charismatic as you?

Some even more
so, but mostly not.

- Regardless, it is unto you to save them.
- How?

Just save the herring,
Ham. Save 'em.

Can you, uh, get your
hands on any expl*sives?

I don't think so.

Well, the only other idea I
have is singing the same song

over and over again, so I
think you're on your own.

Huh. Do I go against my
dad and help a fish I just met?

- I would.
- Can't argue with that.

30 seconds
to the start of the Herring Run.

Here we go. Gonna try to
catch $900 worth of herring

alongside a dozen other
desperate fishermen

and my nemesis.

And then I will buy a jet ski

and put this nonsense
to rest for good.

Five, four, three, two, one.

The Herring Run is on!

- Oh, no! - The engine!
- Yay!

- I-I mean, oh, no.
- Craig!

Yeah, it's just the gear train.

I'll have us up and
running in no time.

The sonar isn't working either.

This could be a sign.

Maybe the fish aren't
meant to be caught today.

Or ever?

Come in, Tobins. This is

Craig Ptarmigan. I
noticed the smoke.

Hope nothing's gone wrong.

There's only 14 minutes left.

Now, listen here.

Uh, thanks for asking,
Craig Ptarmigan.

We're fine. And
while I have you,

thanks for donating the owl
exhibit to the Nature Center.

It's a hoo-hoo-hoo,
hoo-huge hit.

You're owl-come. Craig out.

What a delightful man.

He's taunting me. He did this.

He messed with the boat.

I wonder what else
is booby-trapped.

Dad, you're being silly.

Our boat breaks all the time

because it's a
million years old.

Incorrect. It's 48 years old,

and it only breaks
some of the time.

We're back in business.

Lara, how's it look up there?

See any fish?

Lots. You'll have
to be more specific.

- Herring. - I know.

I'm just messing with you.

You know I always appreciated
your impish spirit, Lara,

but we're under the g*n here.

Oh, okay. For real...

Near the southern edge
of the legal fishing border,

there's a whole mess of herring.

Oh, no. My friend Seth lives

on the southern edge of
the legal fishing border.

He's a good guy. Works
hard, loves his family.

Sure, he drinks too much,
but does he deserve to die?

Does Seth deserve to die?

Oh, no, not Seth.

Full disclosure, I have no idea

what I did to the
engine to make it work,

so take it easy, Dad.

Full speed works, too.

If it breaks, I'll just poke
around blindly again.

No worries.

Lara was right.

There's a bunch of herring here.

♪ Whoomp, herring it is. ♪

Oh, no, our herring!

The patrol boat
scared them all away.

Oh, no. Those
unpaid library fines

have finally caught up to me.

Wait for me on the
outside, Honeybee.

Good afternoon,
Tobin, Tobin, Tobin,

Tobin, Tobin, ma'am.

Game Warden Burt,
what brings you here?

You're forbidding
us from fishing?

Is that what you're saying?

Yes, actually.

Tough but fair. I respect it.

Let's head home, guys.

I don't understand.
What's the problem?

Just doing my job, Beef.
Those nets are going

over the legal fishing border.

Uh, I know you're a
newbie to the Herring Run,

but I'll have to
give you a ticket.

A newbie? Is that
slang for "new baby"?

Because I can assure
you I am an old baby

who's been fishing
here for decades.

I know where the border is.

Sit tight. Writing this ticket

shouldn't take more
than Craig minutes.

Did you just say
"Craig minutes"?

No, I said "Ptarmigan minutes."

No, I said "12 normal
minutes," and you all heard it.

So Craig put you up to this.

Pfft. Craig who? What's a Craig?

You mean Meg? I know her. Why?

- Burt.
- Well, I mean...

Okay, fine. Yeah, he did.

- - No.
- Unbelievable.

He doesn't rock?

Dad, you were
right. Craig's a hater.

Why are you helping
him, Game Warden Burt?

Or maybe I should call you
For Shame Warden Burt.

I helped him because...
well, he gave me a mini fridge

and a code to get
a free 23andMe kit.

Because we're friends.

Not as a bribe.

Listen to yourself,
Game Warden Burt.

Is this the type of public
servant you want to be,

by which I mean bad?

No, I want to be good.

I want to be good!

You know what, I'm
redeeming myself!

- Craig.
- Go for Ptarmigan.

The jig is up, bud.

I'm here with the Tobins.

They know what
you've been up to.

I had a change of heart.

Actually, we caught you.

Well, they caught
me, and then I had

a change of heart,
so I'm letting them go.

Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about Burt.

Don't bother, Craig.

I know about the chum,

the shopping cart and now this.

- You suck, Craig.
- Yeah.

We'll never forgive
you for making us

pull out of the Herring
Run and go home now

after harming not a single fish.

Right?

Craig, you tried your
best to shut me down,

but the scales have
tipped. The fish scales.

And the tables have turned.
The water tables. And this...

Dad, you're on fire right now,
but we should really get going.

Right. Excuse us, Burt.
We a have Doo hole to fill.

We're at the
seven minute, 30 second mark, folks.

Halfway done with
the Herring Run.

Halfway done. Halfway done.

♪ Halfway done, halfway done ♪

♪ Well, I'm ♪

♪ Halfway done with
the Herring Run ♪

♪ But it feels like my
run has just begun ♪

♪ Oh, we're halfway done ♪

♪ We're looking for
the fishy treasures ♪

♪ Oh, he's halfway done ♪

♪ He deserves the
Sea-Doo's pleasures ♪

♪ The Herring
Run is a metaphor ♪

♪ For the half of life
that I'm headed for ♪

♪ You can't help but think
when you're in between ♪

♪ That you got to figure
out what it all might mean ♪

♪ Oh, we're halfway done ♪

♪ Looking forward
and looking back ♪

♪ And soon, you'll
have to measure ♪

♪ All the fish
inside your sack ♪

♪ Oh, I'm halfway done ♪

♪ Looking for the
fishy treasures ♪

♪ Oh, I'm halfway done ♪

♪ Do I deserve ♪

♪ The Sea-Doo's pleasures? ♪

Dad, we got to move.

I radioed Lara, and
she's coming up empty.

All we've got is
your fish sixth sense.

Where are we going?

♪ ♪

Beef...

follow us.

- Head north.
- Aye, aye, Captain Dad.

Where are you going,
Beef? What'd you see, bud?

Pull the nets. We're done here.

I want Beef's fish!

We got company.

Ahoy, Tobins! We hope you're
having a rich and bountiful...

Not now, Londra!

Where the heck are we going?

Where the heck are you going?

Let's see you get
into this channel with your large,

very impressive,
state-of-the-art boat, Craig.

Sick burn, Dad, using his
own incredible boat against him.

Ah, we can't fit.
I'm turning the boat.

We did it! We lost Craig!

Oh, look at him back there,
sucking, like we said earlier.

Look at all that fish!
This is a monster haul.

Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham,

you could still save some
of my brothers and sisters.

Enjoy freedom, friend.

Oh, come on, bird!

Okay, you guys just
chill in this bucket

till we get back to shore,
where I will release you.

Anything else? Snacks?
No? You're good.

Heads up... Craig
went around the long way,

and he's closing
in on you guys fast.

What should we do?

I say we play chicken,
go straight at him.

He'll flinch. I can feel it.

Beef, here I come.

Are you going to ram into
my boat and drown my kids?

What? No.

I'm just gonna nudge your
boat and knock your net loose

so all your fish will get away.

Craig, why are you doing this?

Everyone, brace for nudging!

We hit something!
We're taking on water!

You mess with the
Beef, you get the reef.

- There they are!
- Toss a buoy!

Buoy toss!

Oh, no! We can't reach them.

Lower the net so
they can grab on.

- Let the fish go.
- With pleasure.

Dad, the Sea-Doo!
Your midlife crisis!

Craig, grab the
net. Climb aboard!

No way. I won't let
you rescue me, Tobin.

Look, whatever it is you've
had against me all these years,

you won, Craig... you won life.

You're a cool, rich, single guy

with a really nice boat
until very, very recently.

Everyone loves you, and you
probably already own a Sea-Doo.

I have a Yamaha

and one of those
water jet pack things,

but I didn't win.

You did, Beef.

Because I don't
have Kuh... Kuh...

- Corn! - Candy?
- Candy corn!

I have some left over
from Halloween, Craig.

You can have all of it.

All this over some candy
corn. Makes me sick.

You don't have what, Craig?

Kathleen. And
it's all your fault.

What are you talking about?

You and Kathleen
never even dated.

But we should have.

You ruined my chances
with her at my birthday party.

Our birthday party.

The joint one we had
when we both turned 18.

I came out of the bathroom,

and you called
me... you called me...

Craig Turd-migan!

After that, everyone
started calling me Turd-migan.

And Kathleen went home with
you that night instead of me.

I wasn't even taking a turd.

I was vomiting.

You got Kathleen, and
every time I see you,

I'm Craig Turd-migan
all over again.

Sorry, Craig. I was
young and dumb.

Hey, Dad, Craig
passed out from the cold.

Whoops. I'm on it.

Thanks for saving me, Beef.

While I was in the
water, I got some clarity.

Also hallucinations,
but mostly clarity.

I've always had a little
Kathleen-shaped hole in my heart

and turning 40
only made it worse.

But I realized I don't
want your life, Beef.

I hate kids. That's why I
donate playground equipment.

I prefer they stay there
and away from me.

I feel the same.

About not wanting
your life, not about kids.

I believe kids are funny,

smaller versions
of regular people.

Also, I love mine.

And you know
Kathleen left me, right?

Aw, man, I would love
to be left by Kathleen.

There's still time.

Thanks, man.

I have a confession.

I tried to save these herring,

but instead, I
accidentally k*lled them.

In the heat of the moment,

I put them in fresh water
instead of salt water.

Molly of Denali,
with that herring

and your bar mitzvah money,

we'd have enough
to rent a Sea-Doo.

Eh. I realized something
out on the water, too.

Growing old isn't
about grasping at youth

by getting a Sea-Doo.

It's about grace
and dignity and...

Ah, screw it,
let's rent that Doo.

Midlife crisis?

More like midlife
how-nice-is-this.

My Doo hole runneth over.

♪ Vroom ♪

Sea-Doo magoo.

I'm getting one of these
for the tub.

If this is a midlife crisis,
I'll have what I'm having.

♪ That moves. ♪