02x08 - Good Beef Hunting Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

JUDY: [echoes]
Where's Dad?

WOLF: [echoes]
He's not in his room.

MOON: [echoes] It is upon us.
The Beef Hunt!

WOLF:
Clooney, what are you up to?

Eating a cacio e pepe.
Friggin' classy.

What the drip?

[squeaking]
Aah!

Leakin' Lucy Lawless!

Aah! What's going on?
Why are you naked?

Why is there water?

- Got to grab my tools!
- Wolf, no! Let's call a plumber.

The Bobcat's got this one
under control.

I'm trying Bobcat out
as a nickname.

Is it too many animals?

This feels like a situation
for a real plumber,

with a regular name,
like Champ. No.

Gerb. Wait.

Why can't I think
of a regular name?

Don't worry, babe,
you don't need Gerb

when you got the B-Cat.

- Aah!
- Oh, no, no! Toilet juice!

Thanks again for letting us
crash in your room, Ham.

- Our toilet's being a real nasty freak.
- She really is.

Well, we're all so excited
for you and Honeybee

to be sleeping over in the main
house during Thanksgiving week.

I'll be perfectly happy
on Moon's floor.

Did somebody say Boyz Night?

I said it with a "Z," so I think
it's gonna be pretty fun.

Oh, Ham,
you've got a lot of books.

I can get some reading done.

Chunky Chili for the Teenage Soul,
some Mary Higgins Clark...

- The Hacking Halvorsons?
- Oh, yeah, we all read those.

They're about this Viking family.

Very violent but also very close.

And they love cutting
the heads off of things.

Like, any head,
they'll just cut it off.

Even if they're busy.
They don't mind.

JUDY: Well, you guys picked a
great time to destroy your toilet

with the power of poop,
because I have a new

shadow puppet I'm debuting after dinner.

I have to dislocate my thumb
to do it, but it's worth it.

I like a shadow puppet.

Sometimes a regular puppet
is just too much.

Well, the plumber's out of town
for the Thanksgiving holiday,

but he'll fix the toilet
first thing Monday morning.

In the meantime, having
all you here under one roof

will be fun, like when you guys
were little kids.

- Except one of my sons is married.
- Moon is married?

Oh, Wolf. Right.

WOLF: Okay, so, I took
the liberty of whipping up

- a new chore chart and...
- Uh, Wolf, Ham is the chore chief now,

so he assigns the workload.

You had a great run, Wolf,
but it's Ham's time now.

Fine. I'll stand down
and await the chief's orders.

- Um, Wolf?
- [chuckles] Am I sweeping?

Oh, wow. Well, then let me
just set the broom down here

- against the, uh, the wall over here...
- HAM: You're still sweeping.

I'm excited we're gonna be
roommates again for a whole week.

We can play all the games
we used to play,

- like Overworked Cashier and Surly Customer, and...
- HAM: Sorry, Moon.

That sounds fun,
but I really need to focus

on finding something
in this Michigan cookbook

to make for Crispin
and his parents at Thanksgiving.

Wouldn't the kitchen be
a better place for this?

Yeah, I tried, but Wolf
kept cleaning up my ingredients

- before I could use them.
- Why don't you take a break

and we can play
Monster Brothers?

Remember, we'd get
into Mom's old fur coats

and run around the house
scaring everybody?

I can't.
I got to figure this out.

Damn it! I don't know
what "Detroit-style" means.

Do I put a little car on it?

Hey! Who's in the mood
for some Jude?

I know I am.

Oh, hey, Alanis.
I can't talk right now.

I have to memorize this poem
from the th century by Monday.

"Ye Ballad
of the Sportsman's Horseman."

My English grade is teetering

between an A-minus
and a B-plus right now,

and I can't get a "B."

- I would "B" so ashamed of myself.
- Hmm. But you're fine with that joke?

Shh. No more talking.
I have to memorize this.

Okay.
I can just stand here quietly.

Great. Because I have
a system where I picture

each of the words with boobs and a
big round butt so I pay attention.

Yeah, nothing keeps your focus
like boobs and butts.

Oh, I know. [clears throat]
"The horseman's corset..."

You know, I used to have
to memorize a lot of lines

for You Can't Do That
on Television.

I thought you said
you were gonna be quiet.

Oh, yes, I am. Starting now.

"The horseman's corset forces
the lord's reinforcements.

"All hurried they run,

"scurrying, worrying, furry,
and slurrying.

"The birds' beaks
peak and screech,

"beseeching and bequeathing
a maiden's teat.

"The sport is upon us
at the court.

The gentleman pats his seat."

[exhales]
Okay, I think I've got it.

- "Horseman's corset forces..."
- Horsey borshy porshy deroshy...

- Alanis!
- What? I'm helping!

- Please! Shh! "All hurried they run..."
- Bleep, bloop, blorp...

Oh, my God!
Why are you acting like this?

Technically,
I'm your imagination, Judy,

so you're doing this to yourself.

- I'm going inside.
- Miss you.

- [loud whirring]
- Testing out the new vacuum!

Boy, she handles like a dream!

Wolf, I need to work!

Wolf! I gave Judy
vacuuming duties!

You guys weren't kidding...
those Halvorsons really do hack.

- [growls]
- Oh, sick! Monster Brothers!

Monster Brother, singular!

Someone's too busy
to play with me.

- [whirring stops]
- Will you all please get out of my room?

I really have to memorize this poem.

Oh, I can help. All right.

What you need is a mnemonic
device. "Horseman's corset."

Okay, so just say,
"Courseman's horse-it."

- Now you'll never forget.
- Okay, I need some privacy.

Sorry, sorry, thank you,
get out, bye, bye-bye.

♪ Too many Tobins,
too many Tobins ♪

♪ So many Tobins,
too many Tobins ♪

♪ Gonna k*ll a Tobin,
too many Tobins ♪

♪ So many Tobins in your face! ♪

[screams]

BEEF: Well, even though
I don't celebrate

the Thanksgiving story
of self-absorbed freeloaders

receiving help from strangers
they would later m*ssacre,

I am thankful
we can eat this feast together.

Wait, I'm short a few onions.

I may have used them all
in my practice meals.

Oh, great, who needs flavors
for Thanksgiving?

I would've been happy to go
to the store,

but the chore chief didn't
delegate that to me, so...

[Moon, Ham and Judy mocking]

- Everybody seems a little riled up.
- Yeah, this room is tense...

and not the good tense
you feel right before they reveal

who's the best hitchhiker
on American Driftin'.

- Anybody want to fill me in?
- I do. Everyone is annoying.

- That's right.
- HAM: Correct.

- Yep. Uh-huh.
- Ah, I see.

Well, I usually save
this for Thanksgiving dinner,

but why don't we go around
and say what we're

- thankful for right now?
- Sure. I'm so thankful that

everyone's around all the time,

and I don't have a moment
of privacy to memorize

"Ye Ballad
of the Sportsman's Horseman"!

- That's not really what I...
- Oh, and I'm so thankful

that I'm no longer chore chief,
even though all I want to do

is show you
how to do things properly!

- Guys...
- Ham, I'm so thankful

that you moved into my room

and now I'm seeing less of you
than ever before.

All right, enough.

I understand sarcasm.
You can all stop now.

- Oh, can we, Dad? - Oh, good.
- Oh, thank you, Father.

- Can we stop now? - I'll never stop.
- I'm serious, guys.

What do we need to do
to settle this?

We can do
what the Halvorsons do.

We dig a pit and hit each other
with narwhal bones,

and the last person
to lose consciousness wins.

Instead, why doesn't everyone

turn to the person next to them
and apologize?

OTHERS:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Okay, never mind.
Let's all just work quietly.

Fine, but if we do need
narwhal bones, I have a guy.

Huh. Where's breakfast?
And where's Dad?

Well, he started
the turkey cooking.

He's not in his room.

Look. Dad's a* is still stuck
in the log,

instead of oiled, wiped down,
and safely put away.

- Oh, my God.
- It can't be.

- We haven't done one in years.
- It is upon us.

Dad has declared a Beef Hunt!

HONEYBEE: Oh, my God,
is this actually a Beef Hunt?

You know about the Beef Hunt?

Yeah, Wolf told me
that when you were kids,

every Thanksgiving
your dad would send you

on an elaborate hunt to test
your outdoor survival skills.

It's like The Amazing Race
meets Survivor,

but without
a sexy middle-aged host.

- Yup, just a sexy, middle-aged dad.
- Wolf, no.

The winner gets the Beef Belt

and they get to say the swear
word of their choice at dinner.

When I was ten, I said "taint."

I had no idea what it meant, but
I'll never forget the feeling.

And this is the perfect day
for the competition,

because I'm still furious

none of you guys
let me learn my poem!

It's gonna feel extra nice
when I destroy you all!

Ha-ha! No way. I'm gonna
absolutely smash you guys.

Uh, but respectful.

Respect is for Helen Hunts
and Bonnie Hunts.

- This is the Beef Hunt, damn it!
- Shouldn't you be back

making Michigan hot dog
baked brie blasts for Crispin?

You wish I'd drop out.

I'm gonna Michigan hot dog
baked brie blast you guys

- out of the water.
- Loving the trash talk, guys.

- Where are we running to?
- The big field.

That's where
the first challenge always is.

Ooh. Are there gonna be
booby traps?

- MOON: Aah!
- Moon!

Don't look back...
it's every man or woman

for himself or herself
during the Beef Hunt.

- That's right.
- Moon, you caught up already?

Yeah, I learned a new swear
last month,

and I'm really motivated
to say it out loud.

BEEF: All right,
clearly Wolf and Honeybee

need their space back,
and in order to get it,

they need this toilet back.

So I am going to fix it.

It's just a toilet.
You use one of these

every four days...
nothing to be afraid of.

Nope.

Huh, looks like a food challenge.

"This first competition
could be a bit hairy.

To do it you'll each have to eat
ten bowls of cranberry."

What does this have to do
with surviving

in the wild
on the first Thanksgiving?

- [chomping, moaning]
- Oh, you guys are already eating.

All done! I won!

I get the winner's envelope and
probably some huge advantage.

"Congratulations,
you finished your food.

Now you must wait
for the rest of the brood"?

"When all of your brothers
and sisters are done,

head to the rock
that looks like Danson."

Ugh! I finished first and now
I have to wait for all of you?

- That sucks.
- Who's Dan's son?

No, Ted Danson. We have a rock
that looks just like him.

Ooh! He's on my
famous freebies list!

Wolf, you can't get mad
if I kiss that rock.

You won't be the first.

BEEF: Thanks for coming over
to help me.

That's okay.
I'm going to my daughter's house

for Thanksgiving this year,
so I don't have to cook.

And I never miss a chance
to bowl-browse.

Boy, she ain't much to look at,

but she'll get it done, am I right?

This all seems pretty simple.

I'm surprised
you can't handle it.

I don't like toilets.
No offense.

I'm not a toilet.
What bugs you about 'em?

That they look
kind of like pelicans,

so when you sit down
it's like you're sitting

- in a pelican's mouth?
- Uh, no. It was years ago.

I was fixing a toilet,

a pipe burst,
and a very tiny piece of poop

flew through the air
and into my... my mouth!

I spit it out
and gargled with vodka.

Then I googled "full
mouth replacement surgery,"

but they only do it in Romania.

Yeesh! Is that all?
You got your brown wings.

- Happens to me all the time.
- Wait, all the time?

Look, Beef,
I can't do this job for you.

- Why not?
- Because then you'll always need me to fix it.

You have to face your fear
of the toilet.

- And I'll train you to do it.
- What if, instead,

you fix my toilet,
and I peer over your shoulder

and say, "Ooh, ah, great job"?

No, thanks.
You know I only like compliments

if they're specifically about my looks.

- You're beautiful.
- Obviously.

But you're still fixing that toilet.

- There it is!
- That is one handsome

Sam Malone stone.
I feel like I'm at Cheers.

Look. this stack of cards
has my name on it.

- It says I'm supposed to host a trivia quiz.
- Trivia quiz?

This doesn't sound like Dad at all.

Maybe he was in a hurry

and downloaded another
family's hunt off the Internet.

Other families don't do this, guys.

Okay, everybody line up
and make a buzzing noise

if you think you know the answer.

"Where did Judy put her Frida Kahlo

and Emily Dickinson dolls
when she was five, and why?"

- Honk! I mean, uh, buzz!
- Wolf!

- Ugh!
- She hid them in the refrigerator

so they could do their important
work without being subject

to the patriarchal gaze
of Ham's Ninja Turtles.

Correct.
Now I hand you the card.

Question two.

Correct.
Correct.

Oof. That's upsetting,
but it's correct.

Correct.

Okay, last question.

- "This was Moon's favorite snack when he was four."
- Buzz! A ham sandwich.

And he'd make aggressive eye contact
with Ham while eating it.

I thought the meat came
from his back.

- Ding-ding-ding!
- Yes! I got the most right!

Suck it!
Give me the winner's envelope.

Ooh, what do I get?
A head start or...?

Eh. This is just a note.
"Winning this round isn't that hard.

Take a look
at the back of your cards."

- Mine's just a squiggly drawing.
- Mine, too.

And mine just says "map" on it.

It's a map!
We have to put it together!

MOON: Looks like we go to this "X"

by the river down past
the fallen tree that looks

- like Sigourney Weaver's elbow.
- HONEYBEE: My God,

this area is full of celebrities.

Yeah, this is basically
Lone Moose's Walk of Fame.

Look! There's a raft!

"You're family
in foul and fair weather,

and the glue
that keeps this raft together."

And there's another little map
of where we're supposed

- to take the boat to.
- Ugh!

So we're still all sticking together,

floating on a boat that was premade?

This isn't like a Beef Hunt at all.

We should each be alone
in the woods somewhere,

trying to squeeze drinking water
out of a dead frog.

Okay, We need to get
to this spot.

Let me hold the card, Judy.

I can hold a card, Wolf. I'm .

Oh, no. I was supposed
to preheat the oven

- for my casserole, and I forgot!
- Great, more cooking.

- Did you want to say something, Moon?
- Yes. You've been acting

like an ass-erole all wee...

[all scream]

We're gonna drown!
Oh, wait, no, we can stand.

- [Judy shivering]
- Dad built a bad boat?

Every belief I have about
the world has been shattered,

but I don't have time
to process it right now.

Hey! A box!

Ooh, good, a change of clothes.
I'm freezing.

I guess I've grown a lot
since Dad bought these.

[laughs]
Why did he buy them?

After Mom left, Dad went through

a pretty serious
Home Shopping Network phase.

He bought the whole family
matching sweat suits

at his absolute lowest moment.

He also bought
something called a Wow-el.

It's a towel
that makes you go, "Wow."

Hey, there's a note in my pocket

that says we should head
for that ridge over there.

[whistles]
Mother maze I.

Relax, Beef, she's dry.
You can do this.

I want you to pet the toilet.

- Mm. Um...
- Just like that. Easy, now.

Give her a little tickle
under her bowl.

- She likes that.
- [groaning]

See? She's real friendly.
And now

you're ready
for your next challenge.

[gasps]
She brought friends.

"No one goes through life
alone-ah,

"every Angela needs their Mona.

"Without Jonathan,
Samantha would be lost,

so show this maze
Who's the Boss?"

This is just like when I got
lost trying to find my way back

to the table at Pasta de Bupo.

I made so many friends that night.

♪ ♪

- Huh?
- What?

- No way.
- No.

Ugh! It's been over an hour.
This maze is unsolvable.

We must be missing something.

Why did dad put
" Who's the Boss?" in the clue?

He hated that show.
He thought they dragged out

the will-they-won't-they
too long.

[gasps] I know why!
Alyssa Mouse-lano!

- Me and Moon's secret pet mouse!
- Right.

We made her a huge,
incredibly complex maze.

This maze must be based
on that one.

Ooh! Then there should be a
single Skittle at the end. Dibs!

Okay, all right, a right here...

a right here...

a left here...

MOON:
Everybody duck.

We did it!

Moon! Ham! You got us
through that cram-dam maze!

You're welcome.
For a minute there,

I forgot we were all competing
against each other.

I didn't forget.

I'm gonna b*at you all
to that weird bridge wizard!

That might not be a bridge wizard.

It might just be a regular
wizard standing near a bridge.

I want you to lie down
across that row of toilets

- and close your eyes.
- That's the devil's couch!

Hey, normally I'd have
you sleep with the toilet

in your bed for a week
and let nature take its course.

- What does that mean?
- Stop thinking and start laying.

[groaning]

- I did it.
- Nope. Stay.

- Let the discomfort sink in.
- [groans]

Okay, now roll over
onto your front.

With my face on the toilet?

Yes, that's what they mean
when they say

you have to face your fears...
you have to actually put

- your face on your fears.
- I don't think that's what they mean.

Hey!
Put your yapper on that crapper!

See?
Your mouth is on the toilet,

but that doesn't mean
there's poop in it.

I hate this so much.

But there's no poop
in your mouth, right?

You're right.
There's no poop in my mouth.

- Embrace your poop-free mouth, Beef!
- I feel so free.

I'm flying! I'm flying!

Greetings, hunters,
and a festive Thanksgiving to you.

I am the wizard Granthar,

and I will now play you
a welcome song upon my lute.

[high-pitched]
♪ La ♪

♪ Welcome, young travelers... ♪

Uh, Santiago, is it cool
if we just do the challenge?

- It's getting kind of late in the day.
- But your father said

I could have fun with it.

Fine. In order
to pass over the bridge,

you must recite the poem

"Ye Ballad
of the Sportsman's Horseman."

- Oh, no! I don't know it!
- For every correct line,

you may all take one step
across the bridge.

- All together? Again?
- Why would Dad do this?

- I haven't memorized it yet.
- Judy, you have to try.

Okay, here goes.
"The horseman's corset

forces
the lord's reinforcements."

Correct. You may all take
one step forward.

The next line, please?

"Worried? Flurried?"

No, that's wrong.
See? I don't know it.

"All hurried they run,

scurrying, worrying, furry,
and slurrying."

- Correct.
- Moon! Oh, my God!

I heard you do it a hundred times.
I guess I memorized part of it.

"The birds' beaks
peak and screech, beseeching..."

"And... bequeathing
a maiden's teat!"

Correct, and correct.

"The sport is upon us at the court."

JUDY AND HONEYBEE:
"The gentleman pats his seat."

- [cheering, whooping] We did it!
- Oh, my God!

- We did that stupid poem!
- And now a victory song.

[high-pitched]
♪ La ♪

♪ Welcome, young travelers
who come from afar... ♪

Santiago, this is clearly
just your welcome song.

Just tell us the next challenge,
Santiago.

Fine, but I'm using
my wizard voice.

"You've eaten and run
and managed not to drown.

Now you shall find the last
challenge in old Tobin Town."

[high-pitched]
♪ La ♪

♪ Farewell, young travelers,
wherever you... ♪

Santiago, no.

KYLE:
All right, before you do this,

I'd like to give you something.

This is my magic wrench.

No poop can touch you
while you're using that wrench.

Is this, like, a Dumbo thing,
where it's not really magic,

but I'm supposed to believe in it?

You got me, Tobin.
Now fix that toilet.

Also, what's Dumbo?

Tobin Town,
our childhood tree house.

[chuckles] I haven't been
back here in years.

Uh, probably because a series
of storms left it very unsafe.

"To get this hunt in the bag,
Wolf has got to capture a flag.

"But the twist is,
I'm taking his sight,

and it's up to you others
to steer him right."

And then it says you have to put
this blindfold on

- and we guide you to the top.
- This should be no problem.

I have amazing natural instincts.

- [grunts]
- [grunts] See? That was a tree.

- That was Moon.
- He's gonna die.

Pull yourself up
through the opening above you.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

You have to trust us.

- [whimpers]
- HAM: Okay, go to your left.

Be careful,
'cause the railings are broken.

JUDY: Stop! Watch out
for the big branch

coming through the floor, okay?

- Slide to your left and step over it.
- HAM: Okay.

Keep going. Now grab the flag.

It's right in front of you.

I did it!

Great job, babe.

We've been going all day,
and we're still tied.

How is anyone supposed
to win this Beef Hunt?

[gasps]
Ooh! I guess by pulling this.

[all scream]

[bell dings] Ah, and now to check
on the other thing I've got cooking.

Guys, I think I'm gonna go ahead
and say my swear now.

- [bleep] - Oh, my God!
-Yeesh!

SANTIAGO:
[high-pitched] ♪ La ♪

♪ Welcome, young travelers ♪

♪ Who've come from afar ♪

♪ A fresh cup of mead
sits for you on the bar... ♪

- JUDY: Santiago...
- You're trapped now.

You can't stop me.

- ♪ Would you care for some starlight... ♪
- Granthar, please.

I'm expecting my boyfriend
and his parents

for Thanksgiving dinner.

Fine.
Please just put on the costumes

you'll find in the cage,
and I'll read you the card.

And now for the final challenge.
[clears throat]

"Here you are at the finish line,

"held together
like a raft with twine.

"You were supposed to learn
a lesson,

"but now you're trapped
and you're still guessin'.

"I think that you
would learn a lot-o

if you would recite
the family motto."

Family motto?

I don't know
what he's talking about.

And what lesson
were we supposed to learn?

The Beef Hunt is
about brute competition

and shoving people
into snowbanks.

And shouting, "See you in hell."

And why did he say the raft
was held together with twine?

The raft totally fell apart.

[sighs]
Guys, we've been so stupid.

Dad's been trying
to tell us something all day,

and we weren't listening.
The note said we were the glue.

We're supposed to hold
the raft together.

But we were too busy fighting
to understand.

And all the stops along the way
were to remind us

to be thankful for each other.

The trivia quiz
with all the happy memories.

The mouse maze
from our beautiful youth.

You guys helping me remember
my stupid poem.

Yeah, and I bravely and majestically
climbed this fort while blindfolded.

Okay, I guess with
a little help from you guys.

Well, I didn't need to learn
any lessons.

I've been an angel all week.

I've just been drinking my wine
and reading my Viking books.

Oh, my God, the motto...
it's from the Viking books!

Oh, right! Duh.
We're all dressed as Vikings.

We're supposed to do the
Hacking Halvorsons family motto.

Everybody remember it?

I will eat the bones and flesh

of anyone who hurts my
Halvorson brothers and sisters.

And I will use their kneecaps
as saucers

and their skulls as bowls

for the stew I make
from their brains.

All hail Ragnar the Unyielding!

- [cheering]
- My Vikings!

I trust you've learned the lesson
I was trying to impart.

That we should stop acting
like jerky-turkeys

- during Thanksgiving week?
- Yes. Usually the Beef Hunt

is about learning to survive
in the wilderness,

but this year's Beef Hunt
was about learning

to be grateful for your family.

And I knew you guys would do it.

Well, that's not totally true...
I also fixed the toilet

in the guest cabin
in case you didn't do it.

But wait, there's still
one thing I can't figure out.

How did eating
all that cranberry sauce

make us feel grateful
for each other?

It didn't. I just bought too
much cranberry sauce on sale,

and it was about to expire.

Is there a place
at the Thanksgiving table

- for Granthar the wizard?
- Of course, Santiago. Come along.

SANTIAGO: I'll have to keep
my robe on for dinner.

I'm quite nude underneath.

HAM: Does anybody want
more French-fried fish stick flan?

[chuckles]
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.

Honey, I think it's flan-tastic.

Well, today was a big success:
I finally fixed a toilet,

and you guys learned
how to get along again.

And even though I didn't win
the Beef Hunt,

I finally got to say [bleep].

- No!
- Moon!

♪ Runnin' through the halls ♪

♪ Coats over our heads ♪

♪ Poppin' out of closets ♪

♪ Make you shake with dread ♪

♪ We're the Monster Brothers ♪

♪ A terrifying team ♪

♪ Sure to make you cry
and fart and scream ♪

♪ We're the nightmare
brother duo ♪

♪ Of your dreams ♪

♪ Gonna ruin your whole night ♪

♪ A terrifying team ♪

♪ The monster brother duo
of your dreams. ♪