01x15 - Miss Diagnosis

[bunniefuu]

Let me put everything
on my card.

[gasps]
Mm. Very cool, Jerry.

You can pay me in cash.

Not cool, Jerry.

I'm collecting miles
for a flight to Bora Bora.

Right now,
I'm to maybe... Des Moines.

Oh, I forgot my ginger ale.

I'll, uh, see you
guys up there.

-Mm-hmm.
-I've been to Bora Bora

and Des Moines,

and you only want
to see people naked

-in one of them.
-Mm.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Sorry, I seem to have
gotten the last one.

I don't see your name on it.

Unless your name
is Nutritional Facts.

It is. And that's
"Mr. Facts" to you.

[laughs]
Then we're at an impasse,

because I'm
Adriana Ginger Ale.

[chuckles]
Drew Dunbar.

But my eighth grade
math teacher was Mr. Pibb.

Adriana Marquez.

And my eighth grade teacher
was fired

for sending naked pics
-to a student.
-Oh!

[both chuckle]

Well, in that
case, here,

you can have
the ginger ale.

It's a filthy habit.
I've been meaning to quit.

-Thank you.
-Yes.

I think you'll enjoy
the bubbly quality

with soft notes of
high-fructose corn syrup.

[laughs]

You're cute.

Why you staring at me?

Oh, just waiting for
the bucket of pigs' blood

to fall on my head.[chuckles]

♪ The more you give ♪ The more you give♪

♪ The more you live ♪ The more you live♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪ Happiness♪

♪ But if you're feeling
like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact

♪ It's your prerogative

♪ Your prerogative♪

♪ To be positive.

Anyone want to do something
tonight?

I'm sorry,
I can't,

because a beautiful woman

in the café just asked me out.

On purpose.

-Are you serious?
-Looks like ginger ale

wasn't the only thing
she was thirsty for.

She was thirsty
for me.

[chuckles]

Drew's got game.

My God, it must be easy
in the straight world.

[sighs]

It's not.

I am shocked myself.

But I do have a question.

What's dating like these days?
I mean...

Just be yourself.
Don't overthink it.

Be himself?

Worst idea ever.

DREW: Calendar
reminder.

Do not overthink upcoming date.

6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

No.

6:00 p.m. to...

question mark.

Well, whatever you do, don't
tell her you're in dialysis.

But it's such a big part
of my life.

Don't take this the wrong way,
Drew,

but you don't need to offer up
more reasons

for her to reject you.

[chuckles] What's the right way
to take that?

First dates
should be light and fun.

People don't want to hear stuff
that's, you know...

death-y.

Unless you're going
for pity sex.

Which still counts, by the way.

Thanks so much.

I'll be there.

Check it out.

My agent just got me an audition

with CBS 2 to be
their new sports anchor.

GIDEON:
Congratulations.

When's the audition?

-Friday.
-Ooh. Good luck.

-Yeah, knock 'em dead!
-Bow!

A woman asked me out.

-What?
-On a date. Yeah.

It's just what we were talking
about earlier

before you came in.

It was a pretty hot topic,
actually.

Um, and I'm...

I'm not quite sure
we were finished on it.

So...

Do you still want him
to be himself?

[knocking to the rhythm
of "Shave and a Haircut"]

[humming softly]

[gasps]
Aw...!

Hey, Norma.

Gina, the man of our dreams
is here!

Oh,

why'd you call her?

We could have run away together.

Oh, sweetheart, you'd have
no idea what to do with me.

[chuckles]
GINA:
Oh!

Look at you.[chuckles]

Mwah. Anything I say
right now is going

to be objectifying,
so I won't say a thing.

-Ooh!
-Ooh. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

I went to my suit guy
with Drew after dialysis.

I want to make sure I make a
good impression for my audition.

Wow. Channel 2 Sports
is about to get

a lot more female viewers.

-Including this one.
-Yeah.

I hope that you drop
your news report

so I can watch you bend
over and pick it up.

[Cockney accent]:
'Ello, ladies.

[chuckles]
Ooh.

I was trying for James Bond,

but it ended up sounding more

like a creepy chimney sweep.

Wow! Drew!

Come on over here so
I can slap that ass.

I will not.

[chuckles]
Look at you.

What a difference.

So, all this time,
you just weren't trying.

Yes. Well, uh,

I have a date tonight.[Gina gasps]

Really? With who?

Oh, just somebody I met
at the hospital.

Wait, you don't even know her?

You should google her, because
she could be a sex trafficker.

Or, worse, she could
be one of those people

who doesn't own a TV.

Um... No.

Look, she's cute, she's
funny and she likes me.

She could lure children
into her gingerbread house,

for all I care.
We're going out for pasta.

Hey. Remember, don't tell her
anything about dialysis.

Wait, why aren't we telling her
anything about dialysis?

-It'll scare her off.
-Well,

you don't want a relationship
built on deceit.

Yeah, you should
always be honest.

Unless you're under oath.

Good point.
I'll tell her the truth.

It's your first date.

It's a boner k*ller.

Better point. I will lie to her.

So, wait, you're
from Rocky Hill?

I went to Merritt High,
class of '04.

Wait, you're a
Merritt Muskrat?

Oh, no, no.

I wasn't just
a Merritt Muskrat.

I was the Merritt Muskrat.

Yeah. The mascot.

I was basically
an honorary football player.

I mean, they told me
not to say that, but...

they knew.

[chuckles]:
Oh, my God.

[chuckles]

At the conference
championship,

I threw a Big Gulp at you.

Ah. I actually had three Big
Gulps thrown at me that night,

so you're gonna have to be
a bit more specific.

They were all me.

Oh. Good arm.

[laughs][chuckles]

-Oh.
-Have you had
enough time to decide?

Oh. Yeah,
-we haven't even looked.
-Mm.

Uh, just one more
minute, please?

Of course.[chuckles softly]

You should try the ravioli.

I haven't had it. I just don't
want to waste my dinner on it

if it's bad.[laughs]

I think
I'm gonna have the tiramisu.

Okay.
What are you starting with?

The tiramisu.

Whenever I go out to eat,
I'm always too full for dessert

by the end, so...

I'm gonna start with it.

Oh. Is that allowed?

I don't see the
dessert police.

But if they
do show up,

cover for me. Tell 'em
I ate all my green beans.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not lie
to the dessert police.

My dad did nine years
in lava cake jail.

[laughs]

I figure, if you
want something,

why wait?

That's my whole
life philosophy.

Don't put things
off till someday,

because someday never comes.

Huh. I like that.

My life philosophy is
"Don't touch that.

You don't know
where it's been."

[laughs]

But I will start
with the apple pie.

And since we're being outlaws,

-I will have it à la mode.
-There you go.

Throw caution to the wind.

[chuckles] You know,
when I was a kid,

I thought it was
throw "caush" into the wind.

-Hmm. What's caush?
-I don't know,

but you definitely wanted
to get rid of it.

[laughs]

I used to think that
a "romantic gesture"

was a "romantic jester."

Like the medieval clown?

Okay, that's just dumb.[laughs]

Oh, I'm having a nice time.

I'm glad you asked me out.

Me, too.

So, tell me more
about Drew Dunbar.

What's a deep, dark
secret about you?

Oh. Um...

Nope, no secrets.
[chuckles softly]

Then tell me something you
really want to do someday.

What do you mean?

Today is your someday.

What do you want
to do with it?

[exhales]

Way better than when I made
out with the Stamford Tiger.

[chuckles]

[moaning]

Oh. Another thing
I want to do someday

is kiss someone up
against a door

like how they do in the movies.

Ooh. Check out
Fifty Shades of Dunbar.

[laughs]

Hey, it's your someday.

[both chuckle]

[moaning]

-Ow!
-Oh.

That's
the doorknob.

[chuckles]
Ugh, God.

Serves me right
for trying to be

a "romantic jester."[laughs]

[moaning]

Ooh.

[both chuckle]

Wait. Hold on
one second.

I just have to tell
you something.

If you want to put
the muskrat costume on,

I'm kind of down for that.

[chuckles]
No, uh...

It's just, um...

You remember asking me
if I had any secrets.

Yeah.

Uh...

I'm in kidney failure.

And I have a
donor lined up,

but, until then,
I am in dialysis.

Oh, wow.

[exhales]

Okay.

I just didn't feel right going
any further without telling you.

And if that's
too much,

-I totally get it.
-No.

I'm glad you told me.

That was brave.

Well, since we're
confessing things,

that K-pop
playlist in my car

is actually mine and
not my daughter's.

Okay, the kidney failure
is one thing,

but this is kind of
a deal-breaker.

[chuckles]

[door opens]

-Morning!
-Morning.
Hi!

Ooh, something
smells good.

Well, if it's bacon
and eggs, it's breakfast.

But if it's lavender lotion
and IcyHot,

it's me.

That was Norma Goldman
with the smells report.

And now to Eli Russell
with sports.

Actually,
I've been practicing.

Check it out.

[clears throat]

[formally]:
Today, led by their defense,

who scored on a blocked punt
and fumble return,

the Jets b*at the Broncos, 27-7.

That meansthe Jets

are heading
to the playoffs

for the first time since 2010.

So?

Well, you looked handsome,

and that's all that matters.

I mean,

it was... fine.

But, mm, where's the swagger?

Where's the Eli Russell that
showed up in his suit yesterday?

The guy that won the Super Bowl
and taught Michelle Obama

how to do his touchdown dance?

Boom, boom, boom.

[grunting]

Ah.

[mimics crowd roaring]

If you dance like that, they'll
put you in concussion protocol.

But that's how those
sportscasters sound.

Yeah, but that's
not how you sound.

Your personality is gonna
be what sets you apart.

Okay. I hear
what you're saying.

I got to own it.

♪ Good morning, good morning.

GINA:
Ooh. You're like

one of those horses
that dances around the ring.

Well, I had an amazing night.

-Yeah, so we heard.
-From who?

No, we heard.

We wondered whose giggle
belonged to who.

GINA:
Take that,

Drew's ex-wife

and her hot lawyer boyfriend.

Oh. I guess you do not
follow her on Instagram.

I do not.

And now I won't.

But I did tell Adriana
about my kidney.

She said I was brave.

Oh, see? I was right.

And just like I told the
prosecutor when I was acquitted,

in your face.[phone chimes]

Oh. Look who's texting me.

Is it a review?
How many stars did you get?

"I had a great time last night."

-Oh!
-Ooh!
Ah!

I think I'll reply,
"What can I say?"

And then my favorite emoji,
the shrug.

[phone chimes]

"You're a special guy."[chuckles]:
Aw.

Wow. I think this one
calls for the wink emoji.

[laughs]

"But I think it's best
if we don't see..."

Oh.

Oh, no, Drew. I'm
sorry. That's terrible.

ELI:
That sucks, man.

-You don't deserve that.
-Thanks.

More like I was right.
In your face!

What do you say
-to that, huh?
-Forgot my coffee.

Really sucks, man. So sad.

So sad.

-Okay, set? Okay.
-Let's get it.

Channel 2 news, here we go.

[clears throat]

Oh, my. That's
one foolish feline

who won't be climbing
up any more trees.

[laughs]

And now with the
sports, Eli Russell.

What was that?

-What was what?
-The thing with the cat.

Oh. Well, there's no cat,
but sometimes you have

to follow stories
like that.

Be thankful it wasn't a
m*rder-su1c1de. Anyway, go.

We got
all the day's highlights,

including Tyler Lockett's
fingertip catch.

That guy's got sticky fingers,
and I'm not saying that

just because he used
to steal my deodorant.

[laughs]
Oh!

Oh, this just in.

Apparently, the cat has one
of those h*tler mustaches,

but the fire department is
still going to save him.

[chuckles]
Back to you, Eli.

Thanks, Gina.

Now for a little segment
I like to call

"Hell Nah."

A lot of people
say that the NFL

should get rid
of female referees.

Why? When my mama
watches games,

she spots every penalty
on the field.

Male or female,
if you know the rules,

you know the damn rules.

So when people say women
can't be referees,

you know
what I say to that?

Hell nah!

-I was building up to that, babe.
-Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I just...

I got excited.
That was amazing!

-Really? Oh!
-Yeah.

Okay. Anyway,

hell, nah!

Thanks, Eli.

Oh, more breaking news.

Three firemen are now stuck
in the tree with the cat.

[chuckles]
What?

Oh, hey. Are
you doing okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Just disappointed.

But, hey, at least
I'm back out there

-in the dating world again.
-There you go.

-Plenty of fish in the sea.
-Yeah.

There's also a floating island
of garbage,

whales are going extinct,
ocean temperatures are rising.

Say goodbye to coastal cities.

Probably some island nations, too.

All right,
time for me to instill optimism

in people
with mental health issues.

Oh, my God.

Do you want
the stupid ginger ale or not?

No. Too many memories.

Hey, let me ask
you something.

You ever have a great
night with a guy,

and then the next morning,
you just kick him to the curb?

I'd like to say yes
to make you feel better,

but no.[sighs]

I thought we had
a real connection.

Well, maybe you did.

Until the sex.

You're probably pretty bad
is my guess.

No, no. She said I was
surprisingly great.

Could've done without the
"surprisingly," but...

Oh, my God. There she is.

-SAMANTHA:
-Really?

Oh, I may have
misjudged you.

Unless you look like
the father that abandoned her.

Look, just tell me
when she's gone.

You do know that door is glass?

[exhaling]

Can I get in there?

Oh, absolutely.

Drew.

Yeah.

This is awkward.[laughs]

Oh, it really is.

Oh, fine.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Okay, so, I'll just say it.

I was on that date.

We had a great time.

So why did you end it?

-Was it the sex?
-No.

That was surprisingly...

Please find a different adverb.

[sighs]

So, then,
it was the kidney failure.

Sort of.[sighs]

I shouldn't have told you.

Drew, that's not it.

Then what was it?

Okay, the thing is...

I just...

I have cancer.

What?

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I b*at it once,

but I just found out it's back.
That's why I'm here.

I'm starting chemo again.

I'm so sorry.

When I got home,

I couldn't stop thinking
about your kidney failure

and me and my thing.

It's just too much.

-Adriana, wait.
-I have to go.

Maybe I'll see you around.

You okay?

No, not really.

I'm sorry.

It was the sex, wasn't it?

[knocking to the rhythm
of "Shave and a Haircut"]

Hey. I got your text.

-So, it went well?
-I rocked it.

I'm pretty sure
it's a "hell, yeah"

to "Hell Nah."Ooh!

My agent's calling to follow
up with them right now.

Oh, that's so great![chuckles]

Oh, I'm gonna
have Norma make you

the biggest cake ever.
What's your favorite?

Chocolate with vanilla frosting.

Red velvet? Oh, me, too.

[laughs][phone rings]

-Oh, it's my agent.
-Ooh!

Hello?

Really?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I got you.

All right, talk to you later.

So?

Is it official?

My agent said they loved me,

but they're going
a different way.

"A different way"?

What the hell does
that even mean?

Don't tell me
how great I am

and not give me
the damn job.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Something else
is gonna come along.

I needed this.

You just have
to be patient and ...na.

I'm broke.

I don't... I don't understand.

It's all gone.

Well, what about all that money
that you made playing football?

When I made the NFL,
the first thing I did

was buy my mom a house,
my brother a car

and put him
through college.

Every cousin,
high school buddy, old teammate

came to me with their hand out
or an idea for a business.

I never said no.

That was stupid!

It's not stupid
to help people.

I didn't think
the money was gonna end.

I was up for a big new contract

when I got the news
about my kidney,

and suddenly I'm retired

at 30 and...

Son of a bitch.

I had no idea.

I didn't want anybody to know.

Especially you.

Eli,

I don't care
about your money.

I like you for you.

Thank you.

Am I gonna leave you
because you're broke?

Hell nah!

-Hey.
-Hey.

You doing any better?

No, not really.

Guess who I saw today.

[scoffs]
Forget her.

She's a loser.

She has cancer.

Okay, you got to lead with that.

She said that with both of us
being sick,

it's just too much.

Oh, at Valley Hills,
everybody's dying of something.

Doesn't stop the hanky-panky.

Every night is a symphony
of box springs and oxygen tanks.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

-This is what she wants.GINA:
-Drew,

there are two people
in every relationship.

At least.

What do you want?

I want to see

where it goes.

And the cancer
doesn't change anything for you?

No.

[chuckles softly]
We had a real connection.

And...

I'd rather spend a short time

with someone special
and risk losing her

than to never know her at all.

Did you tell her that?

No.

Maybe you should.

Yeah.

By the way,
what smells so good?

We're making lasagna.

No, it's not that.
It's more like...

IcyHot and lavender.

You're welcome.

DREW:
Adriana?

[chuckles]:
-What the hell?
-Look,

I like you.

And...

I think you like me, too.

Okay, yeah, you have cancer,

but we can't let
our illnesses define us.

You said,

"Live every day
like someday is today."

And if you really believe that,

then take a chance.

I mean,

isn't this a nice
romantic jester?

Huh?[laughs]
I don't know.

But you're smiling.

I'm smiling.

So, what do you say?

All right.

I guess

we can throw
our caush into the wind.

Nice. Well,

someday is today.

I like today.

-Now come, fool.
-DREW:
Yes, milady.