02x03 - Bagels, Billiards and a Magic Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show "B Positive". Aired: November 5, 2020 - present.*
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Drew, a newly divorced dad & therapist is faced with finding a kidney donor when he runs into Gina, a woman from his past who volunteers her own kidney.
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02x03 - Bagels, Billiards and a Magic Show

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello. Good morning, everybody.

Can I have your attention?

Hi.

I want to thank you all
for coming.

I was told there'd be bagels.

And there will be. And cream cheese?

What is this, my first day?

Okay, I want to start

with some very exciting news.

If you're making the bathrooms
gender-neutral,

I'll go outside in the bushes.

"We suffer more in imagination
than we do in reality."

Seneca, Roman philosopher.

"I only pee
next to other dudes."

Spencer Williams,
American patriot.

Okay, um,

the news is...

I bought the Valley Hills
Assisted Living Facility.

Where you do the living...

And we do the assisting.

I told you that would die.

So, you actually did it?

You bought the place?

I did.

A-And the previous owners
were so eager to sell

that they threw all you guys in,
no extra charge.

Not a great feeling, is it?

I have an appointment
to fix a detached retina.

Can we move this along
before I go blind in one eye?

So sorry, Bette. Hey,
I love the shoes, by the way.

Ooh, thanks.

I'm happy to loan.

Um, anyway, uh,
you all know Gabby.

And as of today, she is our new
administrative vice president.

I'll still be rolling you
over when you have bed sores

and sterilizing
your catheters, but now

I have a parking spot.

We'll talk about that later.

And I'd also like to introduce
you to my friend Gideon,

who is our new head nurse.

In addition to caring
for your health needs,

I will also be reviving the
Valley Hills theater program.

So be sure to sign up
for our first production,

La Cage aux Folles.

Maybe you should loan
thisone your shoes.

And I am very grateful

to Mrs. Ludlum, who
has agreed to stay on

and help me turn this into
the happiest place on Earth.

Suck on that, Disneyland.

Now, as you all know,

Mr. Knudsen left me
a-a great deal of money.

I let him watch me shower,
and he left me nothing.

Well, isn't that
a special memory?

Uh, the thing is, um,

I didn't just buy this place,

I am determined
to make it better.

Is this shower deal
available to anyone?

Okay, okay, moving on.

I want to open up the floor
and hear from you guys.

What can we do to make your
golden years your best years?

Golden years?

Every morning, I hack
up a gallon of phlegm,

I take 28 pills, and then try
to put my Skechers on

without sitting on my balls.

Show me the golden.

Want to make things better?

My wife's dying.

She's in constant pain.

Whenever she hits
the call button

to go to the bathroom, somebody,

maybe the vice president here,

can actually show
up and help her.

I'm sorry,

but we're understaffed,

and I can't be everywhere
at once.

Well, you have enough time
to smoke pot

on the pickleball court.

Mm-hmm. Harry, I will be
hiring more staff,

so waiting will no longer
be an issue.

All right, what else?

Perhaps the chef
could be improved upon.

What's wrong with the chef?

He was fired from
Southwest Airlines.

Maybe there's a clue in that.

Okay, we're getting a new chef.

All right. Anything else?

The laundry service is a joke.

All my clothes
come back stretched out.

Or you're shrinking.

The word is "tight." I'm tight.

I will look into the laundry.

We need better security.

We're sitting ducks
for the t*rrorists.

Oh, sure, because they
want to k*ll people

who are about to die.

Very clever.

When they get here, I'm sending
them to your room first.

So they're not only coming,
they take requests?

Okay, we need to get
back on track.

Um...

I just want to close
by saying that...

being of service to you
and making your lives better

is what gives my life purpose.

You know what would
give my life purpose?

♪ The more you give ♪ The more you give ♪

♪ The more you live ♪ The more you live ♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪ Happiness ♪

♪ And if you're feeling
like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact

♪ It's your prerogative

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive.

Ooh. This banana
is kind of tired.

What do you say we toss it
and get you a new one?

Got it. That's a keeper.

How's it going?

Ooh, I'm all packed up.

Uh, any of my clothes
you find lying around,

you can give to the Goodwill.

Most of which I bought
at the Goodwill.

Circle of life.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I guess this is it.

I guess so.

Oh, oh, um... Your house key.

No, no. You keep it.

You'll always have a home here
whenever you want.

Thank you.

All right.

I'll see you later.
Bye.

Let's go, Cannoli.

Hey, boy. You forget something?

Oh.

Hmm.

Come on, come on. All right?

You have to eat something.
Come on.

Harry, if you don't
put that spoon down,

I'm gonna take
your temperature with it.

Hey, how's my favorite couple?

Terrific. She's not eating.

Oh, come on, Meredith. You got
to keep up your strength.

Why? I'm gonna arm-wrestle
the Grim Reaper?

You might. We don't
know how it works.

D-Don't talk like that.

Don't tell her
not to talk like that.

In fact, don't tell any woman

not to talk like that.

He's sorry.

Tell her you're sorry.

You just said it.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Um, I got one of these
for everybody.

Does it open a garage door?

Well, it's a call button
that works with Wi-Fi,

so when you press it, somebody
will come, wherever you are.

Really? Let's give it a try.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's really for emergencies.

I saw something like this on TV.

Oh, yeah, like the lady
who falls and can't get up.

That's us now, baby.

Everything okay?

Sorry. False alarm.

Oh, we're gonna have
a lot of fun with this thing.

Try yours.
Maybe someone else will come.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

Whatever it is, you gonna have
to wait a few minutes.

Oh, hey, there, little guy.
You all done in the kitchen?

Well, I sure
don't mind the company.

Okay, well,
don't get stuck under the oven.

What?

Hey, baby girl.
Just checking in.

Seeing what the haps is.

I'm doing homework.

Uh-huh, cool. What do you got?

A little Social Studies?
¿Un poquito Español?

Are you feeling okay?

I'm fine.

I just wanted to chat
with my daughter.

Okay.

I'm savoring that I get

to be here,
alive and well, for... this.

Still there?

Did you ever tell Gina
how you felt about her?

Oh. No.

I-I dropped plenty of hints,
but no.

No, I didn't want
to ruin the friendship.

Wimp.

I'm not a wimp. I'm patient.

Prudent. Pragmatic.

Pathetic.
Just tell her you're into her.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Well, she rejects me,
never talks to me again,

and then for the rest
of my life, every time

I use her kidney to pee,
I'm reminded of my shame.

I'm sorry I asked.

I'm sorry I answered.

Okay, goodbye.

Hey, look who's back.

It's starting to feel personal.

Hey, stranger. GINA:
I don't know what I'm doing.

I have people here
who are sick and dying

and I don't feel like I'm
equipped to handle any of it.

Well, can you give
the place back?

Did you save the receipt?

Really? I tell you people
are dying and you make jokes?

Can't help it. Death gives me
the heebie-jeebies.

Drew!

Sorry. How can I help?

I have a very sweet lady
who has stage four cancer,

and her husband is angry
and confused,

and I think they need to talk
to a professional.

Oh, and you thought of me.
I'm flattered.

You're the only therapist
I know.

Still flattered.

Okay, I'll stop by tomorrow.

Thanks.

Hey, Roomba. Guess who called.

Norma?

You doing okay?

Go away. I'm fine.

You don't sound fine.
You want to open the door?

No.

I have a pass key.

Come back when you have
a warrant.

What is going on with you?

Nothing.
I'm just having a bad day.

Are you taking your pain meds?

I told you, I don't like

the way they make me feel.

You can't keep
putting off the surgery.

Watch me.

Why are you being so stubborn?

I don't want to be
put under, okay?

They put people my age under,

half the time
they never wake up.

They go from the table to a bag.

Norma, that is not
gonna happen to you.

No pills, no bag.

What are you doing?

Hang on.

What do you need?

Two Advil.

Yeah, like that'll help.

They're for me.

Mind if I sit down for a minute?

The whole place has
gone button-crazy.

Damn it.

Okay, Bette.

Here is your
blood pressure pill.

I'm fine. I don't need it.

Honey, you had a heart att*ck.

Oh, please.

It was mostly gas.

You have to take your pill.

No.

Okay, fine.

Then no bikini wax.

You're a monster.

Gideon. GIDEON:
Oh, hey.

Look who's here.Yeah. Gina asked me

to have a little chat
with Meredith and Harry Milton?

Oh, yeah. Down the hall,
uh, second door on the left.

Great. So, how you
liking the new job?

I'm digging it. There's always
something crazy going on.

Hi, Drew.

My wife is sleeping.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm Drew Dunbar.

Did Gina tell you
I was gonna drop by?

Oh, yeah. You're the shrink.

I'm actually not a shrink,
I'm a psychologist.

I don't care.
I'm not interested.

Oh, I understand.

I just know that, sometimes,

when you're going
through difficult situations,

it helps to have someone
to bounce things off of.

Hang on.

You're right. I feel better.

U-Uh, Gina, can you
help me with something?

Oh, can it wait? Uh... I
was wondering if we had room

in the budget for
a speaker series.

We could bring people in to
talk to us about world events.

Ooh, that's a great idea.
And the occasional magician.

Oh, you like magic? I like to be fooled.

Okay.

A-And I'm thinking that
I could be host/moderator.

Sort of like Charlie Rose,
but before the darkness.

Okay, yeah.
We can make that happen.

Oh, you've just made
an old man very happy.

I'm glad. Uh... oops.

What's that behind your ear?


Gratitude.

I love that.

Because I fooled you.

It's open.

Hi.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, thank you.

Here, sit.

What's up?

I'm worried about Harry.

Oh, what about him?

He keeps making these
little jokes

that right after my funeral
he's gonna join me in heaven.

Ooh, um, that's not good.

Just know that
the entire staff will make sure

that he has plenty
of emotional support.

I don't care about
the entire staff.

I'm talking to you.

You're the only one here
he actually likes.

I am?: Yeah.

You remind him of our daughter.

Aw, that's nice.

Hey, where is she?

In heaven.

Waiting for me.

Oh, Meredith.

I'm so sorry.

So, I can count on you?

Absolutely.

I will take good care of Harry.

If you don't, I will haunt you.

Got it.
I mean it.

Sleep with a rosary.

I'll teach you to run from me.

Hey, kidney buddy.

That's getting old, Drew.

Well, you can always give me
another body part.

I bet I could rock your tushy.

Are you flirting with me?

What? Oh, my God. No.

Um, hey, did you talk to Harry?

Yeah, uh, we had a quick chat.
Did not go well.

Did he throw a hush puppy
at you?

No, a water bottle.
What's a hush puppy?

It's a shoe.
For some reason,

old men like to wear them
with shorts.

So, listen.

I talked to his wife today,

and...

she's worried that he might do
something stupid after she dies.

What do you mean, like su1c1de?

Yeah. She made me promise
to look after him.

That's quite a responsibility.

Yeah, I-it's actually
way too much for me,

so, um, I'm gonna share it
with my tushy buddy.

Oh, I wish.

Okay, yeah.

I can, uh, swing by tomorrow
and try again.

Hopefully, he won't throw
a water bottle or a shoe at me.

Or a billiard ball.

What? Good night.

Good night.

I love you.

Thank you.

Did you get something fun?

Three-month supply of
my favorite antiaging cream.

You don't just wake up
looking like this.

Hey, Drew. Hey, Gabby.

Hello.

Hi.

Um, I'm looking for Harry.

Try the game room.Thanks.

See ya.

Yes, you will.

Oh. Yum.

Hi, Norma.

Hi.What you doing?

I'm writing an angry letter
to The New York Times.

An actual letter. Wow.

They don't usually get those
unless there's anthr*x in them.

You know what this is? A pen?

It's a w*apon.

Greatest w*apon known to man.

Ah, yes, the whole "pen is
mightier than the sword" thing.

Exactly.
Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say

you'd get a lot more attention
at The New York Times

if you walked in there
with a sword.

You know what your smart mouth
just got ya?

What's that?

A letter.

See, again I would've gone
with a sword.

Quite the stroke you got there.

You feel like a little
friendly competition?

You can actually play? Yes.

We had a pool table growing up.

My dad saw it as a way
to spend time with me

without talking.

Sounds like a good father.

All right, grab a stick.
You're up.

Okay.
Come on.

Let's see here.

I'm 84 years old.
sh**t the damn thing.

Sorry, I was taught that
chalking is critical

to avoid any mis... sh**t!

Seems like enough.

Not bad.
Chalking.

So, what about you?
Where'd you learn to play?

Hmm.

At a bar I hung out in,
in college.

Had a table in the back,

and the most beautiful bartender
you've ever seen.

I used to go there
to sh**t eight ball,

but really that was just
an excuse just...

just to talk to her, you know.

Nice. Did you get laid?

Yes. Then I married her.

Am I blushing?
I feel like I'm blushing.

I can see why your father
didn't want you to talk.

Ha ha! Funny but painful.

You know, I-I don't know
if Gina mentioned this,

but I was in renal failure,

going to dialysis
three times a week.

It was...

It was pretty bleak.

I came close to giving up.

Okay.

I think I know what this is.

I'm sorry?

What happened? Hmm?

Meredith talked to Gina,

then Gina talked to you,
and that why you're here?

I-I'm not sure about
the exact order of events,

but I do feel

like you and I share a common...

bond, a wound, if you will.

Uh, could you please
put the ball down?

I'm gonna count to ten.

Ah, and you're holding
the ten ball.

On purpose?
Happy accident?

One. Two.

Okay, I'll wrap it up.

Uh, look.
Three.

What would you do if the roles
were reversed? Four, five, six,

What would you want
Meredith to do? seven, eight...

Wouldn't you want her to live
and be happy?

Nine. I'll circle back tomorrow
for your answer.

Hey, I need
your mailing address.

Madam, would you please
take a card?

No.Why not?

Because I don't know
where they've been

or who's touched them.

Okay. Would anyone else
like to take a card?

I-I will. I'm not afraid
of germs or being delighted.

Ah, the seven of diamonds,
everyone!

Well, now...
You weren't supposed to tell me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

Hey. You know what?

Let-Let's try again.

Okay.

Ah! The three of clubs!

Who saw that coming?

Hey.

You got anything
going on tomorrow?

No, why?

'Cause I thought
we'd sh**t some pool.

Yeah, sure. I'd like that.

No talking, just pool.

You got it.
No talking, just chalking.

Is this your card, young lady?

Who cares?
Can you cut me in half?

You know, with all that money,
you could've bought a yacht.

Or a seat in Congress.

Very true.

Any regrets?

Not one.

Harry, put the shoe down!
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