02x06 - A Dishwasher, a Fire and a Remote Control

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, pal.
- Hey, friend.

Whoa, does my hair
always look like this?

Like you slept on it funny? Yeah.

- What's up?
- Well, not much.

Your kidney misses you.
Wanted to say hello.

[HIGH-PITCHED]: "I miss you, Gina."
[CHUCKLES]

That's your kidney, obviously.

Okay, what's going on? You all right?

I guess.

[HIGH-PITCHED]: "Tell her the truth."

Oh! Mm. [CHUCKLES]

Um, I am in a bit of a funk lately.

I mean, here it is,
finally sweater season,

and it's like I don't even care.

Well, what do you usually
do to cheer yourself up?

Have you stopped watching p*rn?

What? No, I-I don't watch...

Look, can we just talk
about my funk, please?

Ooh, that sounds worse.

I was just calling to see
if you're free for dinner.

Maybe we can hang out?

Oh, I wish. Two of my
night orderlies bailed.

I got to cover.

I can talk now, though.

Okay, great.

I don't have many people in my life
I can turn to, so...

- PETER: Hey. You busy?
- [WHISPERS]: I got to go.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

And just so you know, I don't watch...

Come on in.

We're in.

GINA: Oh.

Oh, my.

Okay.

And there's more.

Oh, they...

They keep on coming.

PETER: I hold in my hand a petition
to replace the chef.

We as a community...

The food here blows.

I was getting to that.

Not fast enough.

You promised us a new chef.

One who won't set fire to
the kitchen every week.

GINA: I know, and I'm so sorry.

It's just... I'm not the kind of person

that fires people.

I mean, you have no idea.

I still go to my pediatrician.

I'll fire him.

I like it.

MEREDITH: Gina,

food is one of the last
pleasures that we have,

and this man is stealing it from us.

- I wholeheartedly agree.
- GINA: Jerry,

you've been here, like, a week.

Yeah, I'm a follower.

Always have been.

Oh, good, you found her.

- Althea, can you help me...
- Have a nice day.

- ♪ The more you give ♪
- ♪ The more you give ♪

- ♪ The more you live ♪
- ♪ The more you live ♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪

♪ And if you're feeling like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

- ♪ If we become ♪
- ♪ If we become ♪

- ♪ What we believe ♪
- ♪ What we believe ♪

♪ Then as ye think ye shall receive ♪

- ♪ So just let go of the past ♪
- ♪ So let go of the past ♪

♪ Pull your head from your ass ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

[SLURPS]

Nailed it.

Hey, Bert. You got a minute?

- Sure, boss.
- Mmm.

Ooh, smells good.

- Vegetable soup?
- Yep.

With my secret ingredient: steak.

What? Well, then...

Then you can't call it...

Okay, um...

Bert, we need to talk.

I'm all ears. Well, technically,
just this one right here.

Uh, so... So, this is
kind of hard for me,

but you need to know

that there's been a lot of
complaints about the food.

Well, like my daddy always said,

"complaint" is just one
letter away from "compliment."

I think your daddy
wasn't much of a speller.

But, uh, but back to why I'm here.

Um, I...

Did I ever show you the
picture of my little one

getting confirmed?

Oh. Oh.

- Oh, she's adorable.
- Yeah.

And as soon as she
gets the back brace off,

she'll be able to run and
jump with the other kids.

We're all pulling for her.

- Um, so, listen, uh...
- Course, with my wife

being sick with
the alcoholism and whatnot,

I have to do most of the parenting.

But what can you do? Raising kids:

the hardest job you'll ever love.

Sure. Sure. Speaking of jobs, um...

And I am so grateful for this one.

That's nice, but...

And about the food.

I know what the problem is.

- Oh, you do?
- Yes.

Unsophisticated palates.

I'm giving these people
cumin and paprika,

but all they want is salt and pepper.

That's my bad.

I'm always reaching for the stars.

Uh, I don't remember anybody saying

the food was too tasty.

You know I love those folks out there.

Me, too. That's why I bought the place.

So you get it.

It's all about these
wonderful, old bastards.

They are the reason that we are here.

Don't get me going. It's like I got

grandmas and grandpas out there.

So, we good?

I guess.

Um, Bert, please, please, ca...

Oh. Can you...

Bert. Bert, I...

I really need you to turn things around.

In the words of Mr. Bill Withers,

lean on me.

Okay. Thank you.

You're so welcome.

Yeah.

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll carry on ♪

♪ My wayward son ♪

♪ Stand by me ♪

STUART: We've talked
about it over and over,

and she just blows me off
like nothing I say matters.

Mm-hmm, go on.

I mean, there's a right way

and a wrong way to do
things. You get that.

- I do.
- It's common knowledge

you load a dishwasher

with the bowls on top
so they don't flip over

and fill with water.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

- Why?
- Because you're wasting my life.

- Excuse me?
- How many years

have you been coming to me,

complaining about your wife
doing the laundry wrong,

making the bed wrong,

walking the dog wrong?

Oh, and let's not forget the controversy

over which way the toilet paper rolls.

If it comes from the top,
you tear off a lot of squares.

I don't care! Nobody cares!

Your problems are ridiculous.

Your wife, honestly, should leave you.

That's a little hurtful.

Is it?! Is it hurtful?

Do you realize how close to death I was?

And here I am. A second
chance, a new lease

on life, and what am I doing?

I'm listening to you bitch and moan

about your stupid freaking dishwasher.

- Where you going?
- I'm living my life.

Starting right now!

And obviously, we
didn't use the full hour,

so your bill will reflect that.

Hello?

Oh, hey.

- Couldn't sleep?
- No.

Ah, it's hard getting
used to a new place.

And the dull roar of the
CPAP machines doesn't help.

Why are you up so late?

Oh, I've always been a night owl.

Going out to clubs, dancing
till the sun came up.

I love dancing. Especially line dancing.

Two-step, boot scoot?

I'm your huckleberry.

They do have a country music night here.

It's a pretty good
time if you don't mind

the DJ's Confederate flag.

Well,

hopefully, I'll be long gone by then.

Oh, you're a short-timer, too?

Yeah. Soon as they figure out my meds,

I'm out of here. You?

My son's turning the basement
into a guest suite for me.

Oh, that's great.

And there's nothing his stupid
cow of a wife can do about it.

I take it you don't get along with her.

I get along with everyone.

Sure. Sorry. She's a stupid cow.

Turn off your damn TV!

PETER: I will not!

SPENCER: I swear, I'll come in
there and turn it off for you!

PETER: Then be prepared to be bludgeoned

by my walking stick!

What's that?

Two old men

savoring the last few
drops of their testosterone.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

All right!

I'm kicking the door down!

PETER: You couldn't kick
down a shower curtain!

Spencer, what the hell?

His TV is keeping me up.

PETER: It's my TV, and I'll
watch it whenever I like!

Peter, open the door!

PETER: Fine. But be warned,

I have a w*apon.

Put the walking stick down.

You're lucky she's here.

Yeah, I'm lucky.

What is going on?

I like to fall asleep with my TV on.

But I hear it through the wall.

Okay, okay. Very simple.

Headphones for you. Earplugs for you.

I got a better idea.
How about he turns down

- his freaking TV?
- PETER: How about

he sleeps in the parking lot?

How about I take that walking
stick and shove it up your...

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

Everybody go back to bed. Peter,

I will bring you some headphones.

- But I...
- No, no, no, no!

Spencer, I will get you some earplugs.

Won't work. I have
unusually small earholes.

No, no, no, no! Just go back to bed!

[EXHALES]

- Hey, Gina. There's a...
- GINA: No, no, no, no!

[DOORS CLOSE]

What's going on with your hair?

Oh, I put some gel in it.
Do you like it?

No.

GINA: Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, hey.

Well, I was, uh, just
in the neighborhood,

and I thought maybe we
could grab some coffee.

Are you still in your funk?

That's actually progressed
to full-blown freak-out.

Let's go talk.

Stupid. Stupid. Oh, hey. Hi.

- Everything okay?
- It will be.

- Is there a fire?
- Nothing to worry about.

- I-I should probably...
- Yeah, of course.

Go. Go.

Hey, you got a minute?

I could really use a friend to talk to.

We're friends?

Gabby. Of course we are.

What's my last name?

Okay, talk to you later.

What is going on in here?

Grease fire. Happens all the time.

Lucky I had this in my car.

Why didn't we have one in the kitchen?

'Cause I put it in my car.

What? Why would you... Oh, never mind.

Bert, I-I am sorry.

I gave you a chance, but
the food is still bad.

You're setting fires,
probably 'cause you're drunk.

So...

So what?

I think you know.

I really don't.

You do. You absolutely do.

You're f*ring me?

I'm saying...

regarding your employment status...

in this particular job,

that's no more.

So you're f*ring me.

Your words.

[GROANS] But not an
inaccurate description of...

your status.

Say it. Say you're f*ring me.

[CRYING]: Oh, Bert, I'm-I'm really...

I'm really sorry that I have to do this.

Say it.

You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!
You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!
You're fired!

You're fired!

Fired! You're fired.

Seriously?

Why?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Who makes French toast with rye bread?

Thank God I'm getting out of this place.

You're moving in with your son?

Yes. I'm going over
there for dinner tonight.

It's a sort of welcome home
celebration for Glam-ma.

Glam-ma?

"Grandma" for women
who are still doable.

Hey, Harry.

Mm.

How's your day going?

Living the dream.

Good for you. 'Cause some days,

it feels like you're
drowning in the ocean,

praying for a boat to come along
and throw you a lifeline.

Yeah. [GRUNTS]

Everybody gets their turn in
the barrel, but when it's you,

all you can hope for
is somebody to talk to.

You know? Somebody who cares.

Yeah, see, for me, I thought
it might be Gina,

but she's got this place to worry about,

so stick a pin in that donkey, I guess.
[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

Okay, let me put it to you this way.

Help me.

Drew, if you're not
happy with your life,

do something about it.

Yeah, see, I just don't
know what that might be.

It doesn't matter.

Just got to stop thinking.

You got to do.

Well, that is food for thought.

Are you not listening?

I just told you, no thinking. Do.

No, I-I get it.

You're thinking, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Like a thousand
screaming monkeys in here.

[CHAIR THUDS]

What are you doing?

Having breakfast. Is that a problem?

Move away from me.

You move away from me.

Don't make me ask you again.

Oh, does this bother you?

No.

Does this bother you?

What the hell?!

Be prepared, there's
more where that came from!

You okay?

I fired Bert.

You really did it?

Hard to believe, right?

[SIGHS] Two weeks ago, I was
driving the van and making beds,

and now I'm ruining a man's
life and destroying his family.

The only thing his daughter
is getting for Christmas

is scoliosis.

Okay, that's a little much.

But you do paint a picture.

I was just trying to do the
right thing for everybody.

You did. You're a hero.

- You think so?
- Absolutely.

Thanks.

So, who'd you hire to replace him?

What?

Lunch is in two hours.

You have senior
citizens expecting to eat.

I didn't think of that.

From hero to zero, just like that.

Hey! It's Food Court Friday!

Who wants pizza?

- Who wants Chinese?
- Who wants hot dogs on a stick?

Hey. Got a minute for your P. Daddy?

My what?

Oh, it's a play on P. Diddy.

What is that?

Never mind.

Homework? Yeah.

Never fun. And it's,
like, every day. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Hey, uh, did you hear

Pink changed her hair to blue?

What's next, Taylor
Swift becomes Taylor Slow?

What do you want, Dad?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, busted. Okay.

Look, I am here on a mission.

How would you feel about taking

a father-daughter road
trip across our great land?

- A road trip?
- Yeah.

Think of all the stuff we'll see.

Majestic mountains, raging rivers,

giant balls of twine. [CHUCKLES]

Pass.

Come on. It'll be fun.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: Crikey, mate,
we're going on an adventure.

Are you dying again?

[NORMAL VOICE]: No. No,
I have a clean bill of health.

I just want to take advantage of it.

What happened with you and Gina?

I thought you were going for it.

Maybe down the road.

Right now, she's focusing on work,

and I am focusing all
my attention on you.

Boop. [CHUCKLES]

So, what do you say?

Let's hit the road.

You know, I've been to a lot of places,

but I've never been to me.

Look, Dad, when you got
sick, I worried about you

all the time.

But now you're better, so...

So you want to go back to
being a regular teenager

who doesn't have time for her father?

That would be so great.

Hello, fellow night owl.

Hi, Jerry.

So, uh, what you drinking?

Vodka.

- And?
- Vodka.

- Not fooling around.
- No.

I'm guessing things didn't
go well with your son.

He said he had to choose
his marriage over me.

Wives and mothers. It's a tricky dance.

I let him live in my body,

he can't let me live in his basement?

Well, I'm sure he still loves you.

I know.

That's why I'm gonna make
Christmas a living hell

for all of them.

Well, not to be selfish,

but I'm glad you're not leaving.

I'd miss you.

That's very sweet.

If you're going to try to kiss
me, this is not the right time.

- Oh, no, I wasn't.
- I'm not saying

I'm not interested.
It's just not the right time.

I promise you

I wasn't thinking that.

Oh, Jerry, your nose isn't
the only thing that's growing.

I told you, I don't have it.

So my remote just sprouted legs

and walked out of my room?

Hey, I was a cop. I don't steal.

Although there's no law
against hiding stuff.

Can I have your attention, everybody?

Hello? Thank you.

It is my pleasure to announce

that we have filled the chef position.

All right! Good for you.

Hello.

It's the same idiot.

How senile do you think we are?

- Harry, throw your shoe at him.
- GINA: Hold on.

Hold on.

As you all know, I bought this place

to make everybody's lives better,

but what you don't know is

that includes the staff.

Nobody's getting fired.

This is absurd. The man's
cooking's an abomination!

Kills me to say so, but Peter's right.

Why, thank you, Spencer.

And your remote's in a
baggie in your toilet t*nk.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, very clever.

Bert, why don't you tell
them what you just told me.

Oh, that if it meant not
getting fired, I would suck...

No.

[GINA CHUCKLES]

The other thing.

Oh, right. I pledged to Gina

that there will be no
more drinking on the job.

- Or?
- LSD.

GINA: Continue.

Ramon the dishwasher
will no longer cook lunch

while I bang my girlfriend
in one of your rooms.

- I thought you were married.
- Sometimes. It's complicated.

But most important, I
really do love my job,

and I'm asking you
all for another chance.

Whose room did you use?

We switch it up.
You know, keep it fresh.

GINA: So, what do you say?

Oh.

Just-just go. Cook something.
They're hangry.

Okay, I got one more,
and it's a good one.

Mm-hmm.

Know what they called Post Malone
before he became a rapper?

No.

Pre Malone. [CHUCKLES]

This is why I don't invite friends over.

[ENGINE TURNS OFF]

[CAR DOORS CLOSE]

What's with the sign?

Well, I decided to stop
thinking and just do.