02x08 - A Dog, a Mousse, and a Bat

[bunniefuu]

I'm gonna send this selfie
to a gentleman friend.

What do you think?

Wow. That's...

Wow.

Kudos to your plastic surgeon.

It's a team, actually,
but they're all great.

Who's your gentleman friend?

- Spencer.
- I thought you guys had a fight.

He's an ignorant buffoon,

and I want him to see what he's missing.

Are you sure you should be
sending a photo that...

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[SPUTTERS]

Good morning.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, he's not bothering you, is he?

We've been married so
long, I put up with him.

At least when I get my belly
rubbed, I say thank you.

How-how do you zoom in?

Oh, you just pinch and flick.

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT] I, uh,

- I have a favor to ask.
- Oh, sure. What's up?

Me and Meredith are
celebrating our anniversary.

It's years.

- Oh, wow, that is amazing.
- Yeah.

My record is three years,

but the guy was in a
coma for half of it.

You're joking, right?

Boy, I wish.

So, your anniversary?

Yes. Meredith always
wanted to go to Paris,

but we never did, so I
thought maybe we could

do a nice, fancy French dinner tomorrow.

Aw. That is so sweet.

I could have Bert plan a special menu,

and I could sing a French
song for you guys.

Like... ♪ Oh, la, la, la vie amor... ♪

I didn't know you could sing.

I can dance, too.

Yeah.

Jazz hands.

Is it, is it, is it too much?

Okay. Great.

- Hey, Bert.
- Hey, boss.

Um, you think that you could
cook a fancy French dinner

for Harry and Meredith?

Can Steve Harrison do
one-arm push-ups?

Who's Steve Harrison?

My buddy. Guy's an animal.

Of course, it's easier for him.
He's only got the one arm.

Um, Bert,

this is really important.
Meredith is very sick,

and this could be

the last anniversary dinner they have.

Uh, okay.

- No worries. I got this.
- You sure?

Gina, have I ever let you down?

Many times.

All right, let me put
this a different way,

do you believe in me?

Eh...

Thank you.

I'll make my specialty, escargot.

Great.

Ramon, go out to the garden,

see if you can rustle up some snails.

- ♪ The more you give ♪
- ♪ The more you give ♪

- ♪ The more you live ♪
- ♪ The more you live ♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪

♪ And if you're feeling like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

- ♪ If we become ♪
- ♪ If we become ♪

- ♪ What we believe ♪
- ♪ What we believe ♪

♪ Then as ye think ye shall receive ♪

♪ So just let go of the past ♪

♪ Pull your head from your ass ♪

♪ It's your prerogative ♪

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive ♪

[LAPTOP RINGS]

Hey, Mr. Nomad, how's your trip going?

Great, just great.

The freedom of the open
road is truly exhilarating.

Aw, I'm so glad.

How many miles have
you racked up so far?

Mm, let's see. .

Yeah, might stop

for a breakfast burrito, might not.

Road warriors don't make plans.

Although, I do have a ticket

to visit Mount Vernon Thursday at : .

Oh, I'm happy for you.

Just do me a favor,

text me your location
every few hours, you know,

to help with the search.

Ha, ha. [CHUCKLES]

So, how are things going over
there, good buddy? [CHUCKLES]

Trucker lingo.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, come in.

We need to talk about
my surgery tomorrow.

Drew, I got to run, but
you be careful out there.

- .

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

Breaker, breaker, good buddy.
Keep an eye out for Smokey.

[LAUGHS]

So, tomorrow,

I have to be at the hospital...

: a.m., I know. It's in my calendar.

You're the reason I'm doing this.

And you remember that when
you're able to run and play

with the other children.

I saw a hip replacement
surgery on YouTube.

They pretty much hang
you from the ceiling.

If you're trying to make
me jealous, it's working.

Cute.

I'm gonna need

a health care proxy
to make my decisions,

just in case. I want it to be you.

Wouldn't your daughter
be a better choice?

In a perfect world, yes.

In this world,

she's in a poker tournament
at an Indian casino

outside of Bakersfield.

I'm sorry.

You've been more of a
daughter to me anyway.

Thank you.

Hey. Don't worry about a thing.

I will be the first person
you see when you wake up.

Unless I don't wake up.

You're gonna wake up.

Don't tell me what to do.

Hello, Instagram followers.

Welcome to all of you.

This is night one of my new travel vlog

"Near and Far with Drew Dunbar."

[LAUGHS]

Ah, you hear that?

It's as if nature is right
here in the van with me.

[SCRATCHING GETS LOUDER]

Wait, is something
here in the van with me?

[FLASHLIGHT CLICKS]

See down here...

Aw.

Aw, look at that. It...

I think it's a baby bird.

Oh, hey there, little fella.

Oh! Oh, God, it's a bat!

It's a bat!

[SCREAMS]

It's on me, it's on me! Oh,
it's gonna fly in my mouth!

[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERING]

- Are you okay?
- What?

Are you okay?

[PANTING]

Yeah. No, I'm good.
Uh... There was a bat.

Big one. Two, three-footer.

Basically a vicious flying rat.

I didn't see anything.

'Cause I scared it off.

So, you're safe now. [CHUCKLES]

I'm Drew.

Hannah.

- Yeah, nice to meet you, Hannah.
- Yeah, you, too.

I'm in the Econoline by the bathrooms

if you have any more trouble.

Okay. Thanks.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what, actually...

I was thinking about having
a little bit of a nightcap.

Perhaps a White Russian
with almond milk?

How about tequila?

Mm, gives me acid reflux,

but, uh, what the heck, I
have a whole roll of Tums.

[LAUGHS] #VanLife.

It's what we say.

It's open.

Okay, Cannoli, it's time to go potty.

Potty? This thing leaves
behind a hot brick.

Harry, why don't you take him?

It's cold outside.

Give me the leash.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Please, God, make it just be number one.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

All right, what's going on?

I have something for you.

It's in the drawer.

[GASPS] Oh, yay.

A Bible.

And in large print.

There's a box in there.

Oh.

- What is this?
- Just open it.

[GASPS]

Oh, Meredith.

Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.

It was my mother's.
I want you to have it.

No, I-I can't.

Yes, you can.

You have been so good
to me and to Harry.

Meredith, oh, I love this, but...

But what?

You want to wait until I'm gone

so I can't get to see
that look on your face?

Thank you.

[GASPS] Do me a favor, don't tell Harry.

Why not?

[SIGHS]

He thinks I'm gonna live forever.

Also, don't tell Gabby.

The last thing I need

is her fishing around for earrings.

[CHUCKLES]

Smooth.

[STRAINED]: Yes. Goes
down nice and easy.

Oh, good, more. [CHUCKLES]

So, that's a pretty
sweet ride you got there.

Oh. Yes. Thank you.

I got a big thumbs up at
the Wendy's drive-through.

They were very cool about
me knocking down their sign.

[CHUCKLES] You cr*ck me up.

[CHUCKLES] Right. Yeah,
it's just being funny.

Definitely not something that happened.

[GRUNTS] So...

How long you been living the van life?

A few years. You?

Oh, going on four... Mm...

Five hours now. [CHUCKLES]

So, where you headed to next?

- I'm thinking Pennsylvania.
- I think you mean

"Pennsyl-van-yeah."

Not drunk enough to laugh at that one.

Let me top that off for you.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm starting to feel like

this trip was the right choice.

To living in the here and now.

Hm. And making connections

along the way.

Yup. Right choice.

You want to give me a tour of your van?

Ah...

Yes.

- Morning, everybody.
- ALL: Morning, Gina.

Anybody seen Bert?

Try the Hidey Hole.

I'm sorry, the what?

The bar by the bus station.

It's : in the morning.

No clocks in the Hidey Hole.

Gabby, I need you

to take Norma to her surgery.

- Why?
- I got to go find Bert

or this anniversary dinner is screwed.

I meant why me?

NORMA: Yeah, why her?

GINA: Norma,

I'm so sorry, but I
have got an emergency.

- I'm an emergency.
- I know.

You promised you'd be there.

And I will be, the moment you wake up.

So, I have to go through this alone?

You have nothing to worry about.

Gabby's gonna take good care of you.

Look me in the eye and say that.

I'll get there, I promise.

[GROANS]

Hannah?

Hannah?

Hannah.

Set me up again, Stewie.

Ugh.

Bert.

How'd you find me?

- Ramon.
- Who's that?

He works for you.

I don't think so.

Talk to me, Bert. What is going on?

I can't do it. I can't
make the fancy French meal.

Sure you can. You have to.

You don't think I tried?
I was in that kitchen

at the cr*ck of dawn, dicing onions,

clarifying butter.

Ask Ramon. He was there.

Come back, please.

I will help you.

You can't help me. No one can help me.

- I'm a loser.
- Stop it.

- You are a terrific chef.
- No, I'm not.

Bert, I see greatness in you.

I have to squint, but I can see it.

When I squint, I only see my eyelashes.

Stop talking,

and just listen to me.
The last couple of weeks,

the food has gotten so much better,

and do you know what that tells me?

What?

That you can do anything
you put your mind to.

Why do you keep believing in me?

Because everybody deserves a...

[WHISPERS]: One, two, three, four...

[NORMAL VOLUME]: Fifth chance.

Thank you.

Stewie, I'm gonna need a cup of coffee

and a cigarette dipped in crystal meth.

Coming at you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just the coffee, Stewie.

Why can't we eat in
our own room? I'm tired.

Another time. We need to be more social.

You, social?

When did that start?

What is this?

Well, you always wanted to go to Paris.

Well, tonight, we're
in the City of Lights.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

This is...

Thank you.

Madame, Monsieur. Le pooch.

S'il vous plaît.

I'm guessing you had a hand in this.

Oh, it was all this guy.

HARRY: Ah, well...

Congrats on years.

- Thank you. [KISSES]
- Mm.

I'm sorry I can't stay.

I have to get to the hospital for Norma,

but have the best time.

Hang on.

Thank you.

Oh. Wow.

I helped, too.

Come here.

[CHUCKLES]

Enjoy.

Here we go.

What happened to you?

I hit rock bottom.

Anyway, your appetizer

is a salmon mousse.

That's mousse with a U,

not the Bullwinkle kind.

Looks delicious.

BERT: Your entree is a coq au vin,

which is a chicken marinated in wine,

kind of like me.

Where did you order from?

I made it myself.

Go ahead, take a bite.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's delicious.

- It is?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Ramon, we did it!

- HARRY: For real, you made this?
- Yeah.

I actually went to culinary school.

Then I met a special
lady who took my career

in a different direction.

Her name was cocaine.

You're ruining the moment.

That's kind of my thing.

Bon appétit.

[CLEARS THROAT] Oh, I...

got you something.

Ah.

I finally went through that...

that box of old photos, yeah,

and put it together.

Oh, Harry.

- Yeah.
- Oh, this... It's incredible.

Yeah.

- It's our whole life.
- Yeah. Look at this.

My cowboy hat phase. [LAUGHS]

- Remember when you lost that hat?
- Oh, yeah.

You didn't lose it.

- Oh, my gosh. [GASPS]
- Yeah.

- Our wedding.
- Yeah.

We were so young.

Yeah, that's

the day we brought Beth
home from the hospital.

- Look how tiny she was. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

[SIGHS] We've had...

such a wonderful life together.

I'm so lucky I found you.

No.

I'm the lucky one.

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

[HONKS HORN] Move it, asshat!

[CONTINUES SINGING IN FRENCH]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

Is something wrong, officer?

Do you know how fast you were driving?

Honestly, no.

I'm on my way to the hospital.

A friend of mine is in surgery
and I have to get there.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but you...

She's more of a mother, really.

A tiny, frail,

very, very old mother,

whose favorite show is...

is Blue Bloods.

All right, I'll let you off
with a warning this time.

Let me just run your license.

Thank you.

Still got it, baby.

How was the anniversary dinner?

Well, it took me years,

but I think I finally
pulled off a good one.

Oh, that's great.

You know, one year, my ex-wife and I...

Not your night, Jerry.

[CANNOLI BARKING]

What the hell?

[BARKING]

Meredith!

Oh, my God.

Is everything okay?

Call .

Welcome to night two of "Near
and Far With Drew Dunbar."

If it feels like I'm a little down,

it's 'cause I am.

Took one in the
tighty-whities last night.

Yup. Fell for the
oldest con in the world,

pretty girl who gets you drunk

and then doesn't make fun of
you for crying when you're done.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- GINA: Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey. Man, you are not

gonna believe what
happened to me last night.

Meredith's in the hospital.

What? What happened?

I don't know the details,
but it doesn't look good.

How's Harry?

I haven't talked to him yet.

You're not at the hospital?

I'm in jail.