07x03 - Archie's Brief Encounter: Part 3

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Here we are!

Everybody sing, sunshiners!

♪ Sunshine clubbers
sing their song ♪

♪ Sunshine clubbers sing along ♪

♪ All the sunshine day ♪

♪ Everybody sing ♪

♪ All the sunshine day ♪

Oh, my goodness!

Mrs. Bradley, you
ain't plugged in!

Ohh!

There!

♪ And chase all
the clouds away ♪

Mrs. Bunker, you're
more fun than bingo!

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Freedman.

Oh! I got a note for you.

I found it on your bed.

I think it's from Mr. Kleeger.

You're the luckiest
girl in the home!

You've got Sol Kleeger!

Everybody's got Sol Kleeger.

The nurse is afraid to
turn her back on him.

Oh, here comes Romeo now!

Sylvia!

Sol!

Ohh!

Have you got a poem for me?

Have I got a poem
for you? Heh heh!

Although my arthritis
keeps right on hurtin',

you make me feel
like Richard Burton!

Oh, Mrs. Bradley, be careful!

Don't get excited!

Remember, you're
supposed to relax!

When do you relax, Mrs. Bunker?

You've been working
around the clock.

Don't you ever have to go home?

Well, sometimes
it's best to keep busy.

Anyway, I'm happy here with you!

Cramp! Cramp!

Cramp! I got a cramp in my foot!

Ohh! Ohhh!

Here. Well, walk it off.

Just lean on me.

Oh, damn, damn, damn.

You know, a cramp like
that could slow me down.

We'll walk down the hall.

Here we go.

Oh, there you are, Ma.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Hi, Ma.

- Hi, Mrs. Freedman.
- Hello.

Ma, can we have a talk?

Mr. Kleeger's got
a cramp in his foot.

- I gotta walk him
down the hall.
- Oh, Mrs. Bunker...

you talk to you daughter.

- I'll take Mr. Kleeger
to his room.
- Oh, but...

I can do it.

I said I'll take him.

Hello.

Hey, that's your daughter?

Yes.

Is she married?

Come on.

You come right
back, Mrs. Freedman.

Don't you let him get
you in his room alone.

I can't talk to you now, Gloria.

I'm very busy.

- Ma.
- Shh.

Ma, it's been four days now.

I can't keep telling the
neighbors you're still shopping.

Well, tell them the
truth, tell them the truth.

Tell them that I'm working at the
Sunshine Home and that I'm needed.

Well, what about Daddy?

He don't need me.

Oh, Ma, you're just
burying yourself in work

instead of facing your problem.

It ain't my problem.
It's Archie's problem.

One silly date with a waitress.

I don't think it
was silly, Gloria.

But, Ma, he said he
didn't do anything.

Even if he didn't do
what he said he didn't,

he was thinking about doing
what he said he wouldn't

no matter if he said he
didn't or he said he did.

Do you think that was
the right thing to do?

- I can't answer that.
- Why not?

Because I don't know
what you just said.

I said even if he
didn't do what he said

- he didn't...
- Ma.

You can't spend
the rest of your life

in the Sunshine Home.

If I had to, I could.

You know, Gloria, you
can do what you have to do.

And it ain't so bad... I
feel young around here.

Oh, Mom.

No, I'm sorry, Gloria,

I gotta take a tuck
in Mr. Kleeger's pants

so he won't have no excuse

for letting them fall
down in front of people.

Ma!

- Ma!
- Shh.

Ma... Try, try to
understand Daddy.

I mean, he's at the age
where his eyes start to wander,

and he just follows them.

I mean, he's .

.

, and you're a
mature woman of .

Not until next month.

I didn't mean to rush you.

Ma, why don't you come over

and have dinner with
us tonight... see Joey?

Oh, no, Gloria, you'll
get Archie there, too.

You mean, you're never
coming over to see Joey again,

just because Daddy
might be there?

Maybe.

Well, Ma, that's not fair
to punish Joey that way.

He didn't have a
date with a waitress.

It's no use, Gloria.

You ain't gonna change my mind.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Thanks for trying to help.

Ma?

I'll keep Joey up for you.

Okay there, little rocket.

Right there through
the stratosphere.

Right there!

Hey, we're going out
to Mars now, Foley.

, for Mars.
Hit it again there.

, more.

Okay, we're at the Venus
now. , for Venus.

There we go... once, twice,
bang-bing, three times there, Foley.

Okay, here we go.

We-we're going up now,
high to the Milky Way.

Into the Milky Way for , .

, in there.

We're headed for
the Big Dipper here.

It's , , Foley.

On the Dipper, we made
it, all to get a , !

That's a half a million...
You owe me a nickel, Foley.

A ha ha.

Here you go, Hustler.

Okay, you wanna
go again there, sport?

I pass.

How about you, Harry?

Archie, why don't you go home?

You've been living for four days

off potato chips,
pretzels, and beer.

Don't be giving me
the nurse murse stuff.

I'm doing fine, you know.

I got what Abe Lincoln
gave to the colored people...

Freedom.

You wasn't freed.
You was dumped.

Ah, come on.

Come on, Arch, you've
been married a long time.

Don't you miss the old
lady, even a little bit?

Yeah, well, you
know, to be honest...

Well, certainly,
certainly... no.

Like coming home and not
hearing her say, "Is that you, Archie?"

when she knows
damn well it's me.

And then it ain't the
same being down here

knowing there ain't
nobody at home

getting mad at
me for being here.

What's with the puss on you?

Come on, will ya, laugh it up.

You're a bartender. You
ain't a "mortrician," here.

Come on, give me another beer.

Give Foley a beer, too.

Coming up. That's
the old Archie.

Yeah. Here's for mine.

That's the old Archie.

- Hiya, Arch.
- Hi, Professor.

Aw, geez.

I thought when me
and Edith busted up

that I got the house
and she got you.

Arch, can't you just give me a
simple hello before you insult me?

Sure. Hello. Get lost.

Arch, your fight is
with Ma, not with me.

Come on, don't think I don't
know why you're over here.

You go back to
your mother-in-law

and tell her that I ain't
crawling home to her

with my tail between her legs.

Arch, Ma doesn't
even know I'm here.

Aw, come on, will ya?

Why don't you make up with her?

You can't go on like this.

What do you mean, "like this"?

This is fine... I'm
happy, buddy, I'm happy.

Hey, I got the whole
house to myself there.

I can walk around
there, smoke a cigar,

dressed in nothing but my socks.

Scratch myself
wherever I please.

That's your idea of paradise?

Walking around with your
wrinkled butt exposed?

What are you talking about?

I got very fine skin.

Look, Arch, we're not
gonna iron anything out here.

Why don't... hey.

- Why don't you come
to dinner tonight, huh?
- No, no.

- Why not?
- 'Cause Edith

is always hanging around there.

So is your grandson, Arch.

Oh, well... Huh?

He's getting cuter every day.

Aw, look at him, little Joey...

with his little teddy bear.

He's got the ears
chewed off of that one.

When you come tonight,
you can bring him a new one.

All right, all right, maybe
for Christmas, Christmas.

Arch, he misses you.

Cut it out, huh?

What about tonight?

Can I keep this here?

Yeah, sure, you can keep it.

What about tonight? Yes or no.

No.

- You sure?
- No.

You're not sure?

I am, yes, sure, no.

Well, all right look.

If you change your mind...

door's open, dinner's
at : , okay?

Now, see you later?

Good night, huh.

- No, no, Ma,
I'm not finished.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't have to
clear. You're our guest.

Oh, I've been
clearing all my life.

I ain't gonna stop now.

I'll be right back, Joey.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Well, I guess
Daddy's not coming.

I tried. I couldn't kidnap him.

Hiya, there, Joe.

How are you?

How ya doing there, little guy?

Hey, wait 'til you see

what your Grandpa
brought you here.

Take a look at this here.

This... is a panda.

That's a little chinky bear.

Now, you can bite that
little bear if you want, see?

But never bite a real bear,
or he'll bite you back, see?

So will a real chinky.

Look at this.

Ain't much coming
in there yet, huh?

Well, the next time I come,

I'll bring you another present.

A bottle of Lucky tonic, huh?

Okay? Yeah.

Daddy, you came.

Hey, Arch, I'm glad you're here.

Ma, Daddy's here.

Oh, is she here? I'm
getting out of here.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Who?

Daddy's here.

I can't hear you.

Mike, hold him.

- I'll go get her.
- Geez, I knew it.

What kind of a
double-crosser are you?

I come here to
see Joey, not her!

I didn't come here
to see him neither.

Why don't you talk
things out with Ma?

Don't you go mangling
into personal dramas.

What're you doing here anyway?

I live here.

That's no excuse at all.

- Yes, yes.
- I don't want to.

- Oh, if he stays here,
I'm leaving.
- Oh, geez.

- I'm leaving.
- Ma, Daddy.

Talk, fight, do anything,

but don't run away... now, talk.

I don't wanna talk to him.

Well, then, tell him you don't

- wanna talk to him.
- You tell him.

- Ma.
- Go ahead.

Tell him I don't
wanna talk to him.

Daddy, she doesn't
wanna talk to you.

Oh, look at this...

I can do the same thing here.

All right, Meathead, I don't
wanna talk to her either.

Tell her my ear bones have been
dingbatted well enough for years,

will ya?

He doesn't wanna
talk to you either.

His ear bones have been dingbatted
enough for years, will ya?

Well, tell him my ears
are tired of hearing lies.

- Her ears...
- First, he tells me

he's goes bowling,

- First, you...
- then he tells me a story about

playing poker,

then he tells me a story about

helping some
woman with groceries,

and nothing happened.

How am I supposed to know
when he's telling the truth?

Go ahead, tell him that.

Would you run that by me again?

Well, sure.

First, he tells me a story

- about going bowling.
- There she goes again.

Tell her all right, will ya?

All right, will ya? All right.

- Tell her I wanted to be with her.
- He wanted to be with you.

- She didn't wanna be with me.
- You didn't wanna be with him.

- I wanted to have fun with her.
- He wanted to have fun with you.

- She didn't want no fun with me.
- You didn't want no fun with him.

- You know what her idea of fun is there?
- You know what your idea of fun is there?

Her idea of fun is fool
around with old man Kleeger.

Your idea... who's Kleeger?

Kleeger is an old crock
with Sears Roebuck teeth.

You left Archie for that?

Yes, yes, yes.

Tell him if he can't be
without his wife for one hour...

If you can't be without
your wife for one hour...

After years of marriage.

After years of marriage.

So she can go help some old...

Old man with Sears
Roebuck teeth...

So you can go help some old
man with Sears Roebuck teeth.

Ah, cut it out, will ya?

Tell her, "Pbbt!"

I will not.

All right, then you tell her
that. You do that pretty good.

I won't go "pbbt" to my mother.

Why the hell not?

You go "pbbt" to your
father every chance you get.

I only go "pbbt" to you
when you go "pbbt" to me.

Well, "pbbt" to the whole
damn bunch of yous!

Pbbt.

And I'm glad to see that
little Joey agrees with me!

Although I hope Joey
hears every word I said.

No, I'm gonna take him upstairs.

I don't want all this "pbbt"
to be passed on to him.

Ma, I'll take Joey upstairs.

Come on, sweetheart.
Michael, come with me.

Don't worry, Joey.

We'll teach you
better vocabulary.

But how do you like that?
His first word was "pbbt."

Wha-What are you gonna do?

Sleep over the poor house again?

Well, sure, why not?

At this hour of night,
traveling on the subway

with the swell, after-dark set

unzipping themselves
up and down the train?

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll have
to sleep at our house.

Oh, all right, now you're
coming to your senses.

In the kids' old room.

In the kids' old room.

Oh, my.

Matter, you couldn't
sleep up there by yourself?

No, I just come out
for a breath of fresh air.

Ah, well, that's always
nice just before you turn in,

a little breath of fresh air.

So much for the fresh air.

Oh, yeah, I was
noticing that myself.

Guess maybe we ought to paint
the old porch one of these days.

Yeah.

So, what color would you think?

Oh, light grey would be nice.

Yeah, light grey is always nice.

Or maybe green.

Green, yeah.

- Or blue.
- Blue's good.

Maybe a little of each.

You always had
good taste, Edith.

Thank you.

So, how you been feeling
personally since you left me?

Pretty good, considering.

What do you mean "considering"?

You ain't been having any
more of them hot flushes, now?

Oh, no.

Well, I don't know when the
mental pause is supposed to be over.

How you been feeling?

Ah, I can't complain,
can't complain.

Remember that pain in
the shoulder I always got,

you know, every time
I throw my head back?

Yeah, has that
been bothering you?

No, no, I cured it.

What did you take?

Oh, nothing, I just don't
throw my head back no more.

Oh.

I'm glad.

As long as you're
here Edith, I...

Was she pretty?

Oh, now, why do you wanna
get back into that, Edith?

Geez, I told you
a thousand times

it didn't mean a thing to me.

Meant something to me.

Well, what're you gonna do?

You gonna... you gonna
hold one little "pick of diddle"

over my head for the
whole rest of my life?

No.

'Cause if I did,

it'd be the rest
of my life, too.

Aw.

Come here.

You know who I love?

Who?

Well, who do you think,
Laverne and Shirley?

Oh.

I miss you.

Oh, Archie.

Yeah, you miss me, too, huh?

Not as much as I thought.

Oh, I missed you

when I was thinking about you,

but when I was busy,

I was thinking about
a lot of other things.

That's something I found out.

There's lots of other things
to think about beside you.

Yeah, like what?

You see, I used to think

that you was the only
thing I could count on,

but that ain't true.

There's something
else that I can count on.

Well, I asked you what.

Me!

See, that's what I mean.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I
know what you mean.

But, uh, does that
say that we can't, uh,

kind of, do a reverse
and get back to before?

What do you mean "before"?

We-well, I mean, do you...

Do you, uh...

Do you, Edith Baines

take a poor sinner,
Archie Bunker

to be your
lawfully-bedded husband...

until you can't
take him no more?

I, Edith Baines, take you, -

- Archie Bunker...
- Hold it, hold it.

The dago on the yarmulke again.

Let's say it over.

I, Edith Baines take
you, Archie Bunker

to be my lawfully-wedded husband

until I can't take you no more.

May I now kiss the bride?

Oh, Edith.

Wow, what a relief.

And are... are you sure

that you're gonna
love me just as much?

♪ How much do I love you? ♪

♪ I'll tell you ♪

- ♪ No lies ♪
- Edith.

We're out on the
porch here, Edith.

♪ How deep is ♪

- ♪ The ocean? ♪
- The neighbors,
Edith, you know.

♪ How high is the sky? ♪

Where the hell is that
dago now that I need him?

- ♪ How many times ♪
Shut up out there, will ya?

- ♪ Do I ♪
- Ah, shut up, you sh...

- ♪ Think of you ♪
- All you think of yelling,
shut up, you.

♪ How many roses ♪

- ♪ Are sprinkled with dew ♪
- Archie.

♪ The hell with yous all ♪

- ♪ I'll sing when I want ♪
- Come on.

- ♪ I'll sing
until morning ♪
- Shh.

All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.