07x06 - Archie's Operation: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Archie, come on.

After all, maybe if I
laid home for a week

and you brung me soup,
it would help the same.

No, no, Archie.

Come on, take off your coat.

Now, don't get scared.

Don't say "scared"
with people lookin' at us!

I ain't scared of nothin', here!

Go on! I'll come in with you!

All right, all right, all right!

No, no! Don't come in with me!

- Sit down over there!
- All right!

Uh, the name is A.
Bunker, there, sis.

I'm here for a gall
bladder operation.

Would you please wait outside

until I'm finished
with this gentleman?

The doctor sent me right over.
It seems it's an emergency.

Yes, around here,
most of them are.

Please take a "sit."

Well, maybe I ain't
got time to take a "sit."

Are you bleeding?

Not yet.

Well, then, you have
time to take a "sit," please!

All right, all right.

But if my gall bladder bursts,

let it be on your head!

What happened?

She reminds me
of somebody awful!

Yeah, but what did...
What did she say?

Aw, she just said
go out here and wait.

Oh, all right. Come on, now.

Sit down and don't worry.

Doctors... make you
wait on line to die.

Aw.

Now, don't worry.

Dr. Shapiro says
it ain't serious,

and he ain't worried.

Yeah, well, if Shapiro
was having the operation,

I wouldn't worry.

Are they gonna take out
your whole gall bladder

or just the stones?

I don't know, Edith.

But these doctors,
once they cut you open,

they start rootin'
around your guts.

They take out anything
they can put on the bill.

Don't even think about
'em cuttin' you open.

I'll do that, I'll
do... I'll do that!

I will do that!

Stop bein' nervous yourself!

You're the one that's
makin' me nervous!

Don't think about me. Don't
think about nothin' there.

Just... just do... Look off into
the distance or somethin' there.

Here, here, here.

Read a magazine.

All right.

Ugh.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't
look at this one, Archie.

No, read it, read it, read it.

Mm.

Give me that!

Wasn't you shocked by that?

Yeah.

Then why was
you lookin' at it for?!

You told me to.

Couldn't you find a
cake recipe in there?!

Well, let's see. No!

No, don't do that!

Ma!

Oh, hi, Gloria!

Daddy, what's happening?

Your mother is
cheering me up here.

Well, I brought
you some flowers.

I thought you was
gonna bring me beer?!

Daddy, the strangest thing happened
when I was leaving the house.

I kissed Joey good-bye, and I told
him his grandpa was in the hospital.

And he got the saddest
look on his little face.

Oh, yeah?

Geez, ain't that sweet.

You hear that, Edith? He
got a sad look on his little face.

When he gets that look, I
always change him right away.

Okay, Mr. Bonkers,
you can come in now.

Ah, did you hear that?
Bonkers? Bunker's the name!

Let me fix your shirt.

Get your hands out of my pants!

I know who she
reminds me of now.

Fido Castro.

So, uh, what's next?

What is the name of your doctor?

Uh, Shapiro.

Uh, which Dr. Shapiro?
We have many of them.

Oh, I don... I don't remember.

Let me see here.

Abraham Shapiro? No, no.

Uh, Bernard Shapiro? No.

Hymen Shapiro? No.

Mark Shapiro?

Wait a minute. What the
hell is so many Shapiros

doin' in a
Presbyterian hospital?

Samuel Shapiro? No.

Seymour Shapiro?

That's it, stop there.
Yeah, that's it... Seymour.

That's my Shapiro.

Okay, next of kin?

Huh?

Kin. Kin.

King who?

Who do we notify, just in case.

What do you mean "just in case"?

Just in case what?! What?!

In case you croak! Croak!

Notify my wife. Edith.

Right there. Edith Bunker.

She's sittin' outside
there readin'.

Oh, and by the way...

What is the centerfold of
a Playgirl doin' out there?

What kind of a thing is that
for sick people to look at?

If you have been looking
at the centerfold in Playgirl,

there'd be something else
that's wrong with you, Papi.

Excuse me.

Admittance, Ms.
Betancourt speaking.

Aw, geez.

Kosher delicatessen.

Kosher delicatessen? Why
do I have to listen to this?

Well, listen, put him
on. Let me talk to him.

What's wrong
with eating Italian?

I'm dying for a big pizza
with everything on it.

Do you have to talk about food?!

Would you shut up?!

With cheese and anchovies

and sausages and pepperoni.

I am so hungry.

I hope you got a spare uniform.

'Cause in a minute,
I'm gonna vomit on ya.

Gringo loco aquí.

Okay, ciao.

Sí, okay.

What's the name of
your insurance company?

Fiddle Tie.

Excuse me?

Here. It's written down here.

Fiddle Tie, Fiddle Tie.

That's Fidelity.

Well, if that's the way they
want to call it in "Guatamula,"

I don't give a damn.

Do You have an
account in a bank?

Yeah, First National "Bonk."

References?

It's a pretty good "bonk."

Will they give you references?

What the hell are
you talkin' about?!

They're holdin' my dough, why
I need references from them?

No references.

Okay, do you want a ward, a
semi-private room, or a private room?

Any room at all, as long as there
ain't a guy in it with hoses up his nose.

You'll be in Room .
. I'll go on up there.

José! Where are you going?

I'm going up to ! No,
no, no, you can't walk there.

I'm very sorry,
these are the rules.

What the hell?!

I feel Like Jimmy
Cagney in the big house.

Look at my daughter with
her nose in the nudies there!

Mr. Bunker?

Mr. Bunker?

I'm in here changing.
Wait a minute, will ya?

Ah, look at this thing
they give me to wear here.

What's the problem?

The problem? Look
at the back of it there.

No, don't look at the back!

You put it on backwards,
your front is showin'.

You put it on frontwards,
your back is showin'.

You can't figure which side
there you wanna flash to the world.

I'm sure the world is
waitin' on your decision.

Get into bed, man.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Would you turn your
head away, huh?

When you've seen one,
you've seen them all.

If you've seen one, then you
won't be so interested in mine.

All right, now you can
turn around and look.

Now, wait a minute. I
want to tell you somethin'.

Whatever you're gonna do
here, I don't care what it is,

I want you to explain it to me!

Now you listen, boysy.

If you behave yourself,
I'll be good to you.

But if you don't
behave yourself,

I'll go take a bedpan
and b*at you with it!

The nurses in
this joint are K*llers.

What was that? I said I'm
tryin' to fix my pillows here.

Hey, uh, listen, you talk,

if you don't mind my
sayin' so, kinda funny.

Uh, what part of
Harlem are you from?

I come from the West Indies.

Oh, the West Indies.

Oh, well, aloha.

I'm goin' to give you a
sh*t to relieve your pain.

Turn over.

Aw, geez, why do they
always give you a sh*t

where the pain ain't?

Turn over.

Well... well, wait...
wait a minute.

Shouldn't we wait
for the doctor, huh?

I am a doctor. I'm
on the staff here.

Oh!

You are... you're a...
You're a regular doctor?

Only at night.

By day I strangle
chickens for the Colonel.

I think we oughta
wait for Dr. Shapiro.

I'm assistin' Dr. Shapiro.
Now turn over.

Oh, no, but wait a
minute, wait a minute.

I wanna know one thing...
Shapiro's doin' the operation?

Maybe he is, Maybe he's not.

Now turn over.

Aw, gee. I wanna
tell you somethin'.

I don't mind a West
Indian sh*t in the butt there,

but when it comes
to the operation,

I want a regular, normal, everyday,
American hospital operation, you know?

I mean, I can't use any fires
or dancin' or rattlin' bones.

I'm glad you told me that, man,

because I was goin'
to sacrifice a monkey.

Ouch!

Geez!

In this day and age, you'd think
they'd have little sweet pills for this.

Medical science
is a lot of crapola!

Uh, what...

What are you gonna
use the razor for?

For shavin'.

I shaved this mornin'.

I bet you didn't shave
where I'm goin' to shave you.

Wait a minute, there!

Hey!

Hold everything!

Now, listen, I know that they
got men nurses for this, see?

I-It ain't so much
the lookin', there,

but, I mean, men are
used to shavin', you know?

And they do it good.

I mean, after all, one
slip with a w*apon like that

could change your
whole personality!

Not to worry, my dear.

I wish I had a shillin'
for every time I did this.

You are in capable hands.

I ain't sayin' you ain't capable,
you are a doctor and all that.

But, look, after all, you
are a woman, you know?

I mean, I don't mind a little
glance at the keister over there,

but this is awful!

I am sure it is.

I have to do it anyway.

Oh, no, no, no!
Hold... hold on, Doctor.

This is gonna make
me so ashamed.

My dear, I will do it in a manner
that will cause you no shame.

How ya gonna do that?

When I shave you, I'm
gonna close me eyes.

Oh, geez! Now, wait a minute.

Now, hold it. Now,
be careful here.

Be careful what
you're doin' there.

Oh, Archie, don't bother
about that no more.

Listen, they'd better
operate on me soon.

I'm gonna have a five
o'clock shadow, here.

When are they gonna operate?

Why don't they get on with it?!

Shh! Don't holler.

You might wake up your roommate.

Aw, don't worry about him.

He ain't moved since
I checked in here.

Oh, do you think he's all right?

I don't know. Kick the
bed and see what he does.

Oh, Archie!

Listen, listen, I'm
glad we're alone here.

We can have a few
minutes of quiet talk.

Listen, Edith, there's some important
things I gotta talk over with ya.

You know, before.

Before what?

Before I go under the Kn*fe.

You know, anything could happen.

Oh, Archie, no!

No, I don't wanna talk
about nothin' like that!

You gotta talk about it!
You gotta be prepared.

Now, just listen to me.

To begin with...

At home, in the top of the
bedroom closet on the shelf there,

there's a cigar box, see?

Now, you look in there, and
you'll find a white envelope.

It's got some money in there.

It's just some football bets, some
loans that was repaid, you know.

And listen, I wasn't
keepin' it from ya, see?

I mean, I just forgot
to tell ya about it.

And now with God
lookin' me in the face,

I just remembered.

There ain't much
in there, about $ .

A hundred and nine.

If you knew about it,
why didn't you tell me?!

Well, if I told you, then
when you wanted to tell me,

you wouldn't
have nothin' to tell.

I guess that makes sense.
I don't know anymore.

Here, let me make
you more comfortable.

There's somethin' else
that's botherin' me...

There's somethin'
else botherin'...

There's something botherin' me

more than what
you're doin' right now!

Edith!

Listen, I'm worried,

because I don't want little Joey

to forget about me
when I ain't here anymore.

Oh, Archie, please don't talk
about when you ain't hear no more!

When am I supposed to talk
about when I ain't hear no more?

When I ain't hear no more?

I gotta talk about when I ain't
hear no more when I'm here!

Can't you follow that?

Now, listen, I don't
want Joey to forget me.

Oh, he won't forget you, Archie.

I'll tell him stories
about you all the time.

Don't tell him long stories,
the child will hate me.

Just take the $ .

And every birthday, you buy him
a little present there, see, from me.

And you get a little
birthday card, just from me.

Have it say something
on it, you know.

Whatever. Somethin'
kinda pretty like,

"This is to remind you
that I'm still around,

even though I'm very
deep into the ground."

Somethin' like that.

Tsk. Yeah, yeah. I will.

Now, about the funeral...

There ain't gonna be no funeral.

Certainly there's
gonna be a funeral.

What the hell you gonna do?!

Put me out with the garbage?!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, listen, there's a
bright side to this funeral,

'cause the lodge
gets stuck with the tab.

Now remember, I'm a
charter member there.

So I'm entitled to be
buried in the "A" section.

That's the new section
far away from the L-train.

Huh?

And don't let them bury
me beside Tiny Stilverforce.

'Cause his family, the
whole bunch of them,

they're a no-class
crowd of people.

They come out to the
cemetery on decoration day

and picnic all over the mounds.

And I don't want none of
them sittin' on my mound.

You hear me?

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

But please, no
more about graves.

The grave is settled, Edith.

Now about the
coffin... Oh, Archie!

Edith, just take the coffin

that the lodge gives you.

Don't let no "mortrician" sell
you one of them expensive kind

with the great
wood and all that.

And all of that satin that I
hate. It's so slippery there.

When they're carryin' you
down the steps of the church,

the corpse always slips to
the bottom of the box there.

One thing is very,
very important here.

I want you to stay with
me, right beside me,

right through the burial.

But what if I'm still alive?

I ain't askin' ya to go
into the ground with me.

Once they box me and
plant me, you can go home.

I... I can't listen
to this no more!

What else is a wife for except
to listen these terrible things?!

Now, Edith, one thing
you gotta remember...

When you dress me, see,

you dress me in
a nice white shirt,

the blue tie, the
nice grey suit.

Your grey suit
is too tight for ya.

You let it out in the back!
Who the hell is gonna see it?!

Tuck it down around the sides.

Archie, please don't talk no
more about death and dyin'.

Why don't we talk about life?

I wanna talk about life.

Good!

Now... about your
next husband... Oh!

I'm in pain here, Edith! Ow! Ow!

What? Oh, Archie!

Oh, the pain here,
Edith, the pain!

Sit down and listen to this!

Now, about your next husband...

Archie, I ain't gonna
get married again.

Oh-oh-oh, that's
what you say now.

But, Edith, when
you're alone there,

and the lonely days go on
and on and on into the future,

in a week or so, you'll
be climbin' the walls.

I just want you to
do me a favor, Edith.

Don't marry nobody
who was a friend of mine.

I can't stand the thought
of them bein' in bed with ya.

In fact, I can't stand
the thought of them at all.

Like Will Rogers used to say,

"I never met a
friend I really liked."

Oh, hi, Arch.

Ah, hi there, Meathead. Hi, Ma.

Oh, hi, Mike.

How ya feelin', Arch?

How ya think? Stinko.

When's the operation?

I don't know.

They never tell ya
nothin' in the hospital,

except how much you owe them.

Oh, hey, Arch, don't
worry about money.

Whatever Gloria
and I have is yours.

Well, sure it is. That's where
it comes from in the first place.

Hello, Mike, Edith.

Archie, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

Oh, that's okay,
Dr. Shapiro. I understand.

It's hard to find a parking slot
for that big Cadillac of yours.

Archie, there's gonna be a
slight delay in the operation.

We have to locate
some blood for you.

What do you need blood for?

Expect to spill a lot?

Oh, no, no, no.

We have to be prepared
for every emergency.

See, see, see, see?

Archie, you have a
comparatively rare blood type...

AB negative.

But don't worry, we have a
call out to our local sources,

and we should be
hearing very soon.

Wa-wa-wait a minute
there, Dr. Shapiro.

What about Edith's blood here?

I mean, after all, all
the years together there,

we're eatin' out of
the same dishes,

drinkin' out of
the same glasses,

we're usin' the same sheets
and towels and pillowcases,

same bathtub and
everything else,

I mean, after all this time,
our blood's got to be the same.

Archie, she's the wrong type.

We checked her over an hour ago.

You knew this an hour
ago, and you didn't tell me?!

Well, Archie, I didn't
want you to worry.

When you know
somethin' that I don't know,

that's when I worry!

Doctor, everything is ready
as soon as you're scrubbed.

We'll have to wait, Dr. Thatcher,
until we get an AB neg. donor.

Oh, but we have a volunteer.

Oh, one of the friends
showed up, huh?

Who's the volunteer?

You?

Oh, thank you, Doctor!

That's so nice!

Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.

Now, just... shh!

Now, wait a minute,
just a minute.

Now, let me just say this.

No intense offended
there, Dr. Thatcher,

but-but-but let me ask
Dr. Shapiro about this.

I mean, do you think this is
good? Dr. Thatcher's blood?

Oh, come on,
Arch. Don't start this.

I ain't talkin' about this!

I'm talkin' about, uh-uh-uh...
She's a woman, right?

So is that good? I mean, a
woman's blood goin' into my veins?

Well, you would have
taken mine, Archie.

Shut up!

Don't argue with your
husband in the hospital!

I... I mean, Doctor, you know,
a woman's blood goin' in there,

I mean, strange
things could happen.

I mean, suppose I grow bumps.

Then all your
shirts wouldn't fit.

Shut up.

Arch, you're bein' ridiculous!

Listen, listen, what I
mean, Doctor, you know,

you mix my, uh, white,
uh... What do you call...

Hemoglobins, see, with
her colored shemoglobins.

Anything could happen!

Yeah, there might
be a race riot.

Get away from me, you!

Archie, if the
type is compatible,

the blood is compatible.

Doctor, you don't understand
what I'm tryin' to say.

She is B-L-A-K.

But her blood is R-E-D-D.

Dr. Thatcher, I'm
gonna scrub up.

Bring the patient
to surgery, please.

Oh, fine. Okay, fellas,
bring the stretcher in.

Nothin' is goin'
right today, Edith.

I know, Archie. It's
gonna be all right.

What is this? Oh.

You're gonna be
wonderful. Just relax.

Oh, Edith.

Look at this, they're
comin' to get me now.

So long, Meathead.

Arch, I'll see ya tomorrow.

Sure you will.
But will I see you?

Not to worry, my dear,

you're in capable hands.

Everything is going
to be marvelous.

Are you sure of that, Doctor?

Positive.

Only one thing,
though... Yeah, what?

When you come
out the anesthetic,

you might have a strange
cravin' for watermelon.

♪♪

All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.