07x08 - Beverly Rides Again

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

I'll just scatter a few of
these raisins around in here.

Yeah, yeah.

They look like the
real thing, don't they?

Yeah, hey, if I
fell for this gag,

I can't wait to see how
Bunker's gonna fall for it.

Are you kiddin'?
Archie's Old Faithful.

Remember the time
he fell asleep in here

watchin' the ballgame,

and I cemented his
shoes to the floor?

Yeah, and the time you
put the plastic vomit in his hat

he got real mad at you.

Yeah, and then when you
put the real spaghetti in his hat,

and he thought it was
fake, and he put it on?

Hey, Pinky, I
gotta hand it to ya.

When it comes
to practical jokes,

you're a regular genius.

Ah, half the credit
goes to Bunker.

He's such a sap!

All I have to do is tell him
there's a mongoose in here,

and his curiosity
will get at him, huh?

And I'll keep talkin',

and wait till his face
gets closer and closer.

When he gets his schnozz
right down there to the cage...

Oh!

Hey, Bunker's coming.
He just turned the corner.

Okay, you guys,
you know what to do?

Yeah.

Hi there, Harry.

Oh, hi, Arch, how ya doing?

Hey, Mr. Bunker.

Hey, Pinky's just telling us

about the fight at
the Garden last night.

Come on over. Yeah,
give me a beer, huh?

Yeah, come on, Arch,
sit down right here.

Oh, hey, what, do you
think I was born yesterday?

Sit there.

What, you got the
chair wired or somethin'?

Or maybe you got some
glue spread on the seat there?

What's the matter
with you, Bunker,

don't you trust me?

Oh, oh, oh, jeez.

Here, take my
chair. I'll sit here.

Oh, all right. Your chair?

I'll sit down. Go ahead.

So anyway, I figure I
had my bet won, Yeah.

When Sugar Jackson
pops up like a yo-yo

at the count of eight.

What is this "danger" here?

I'm sorry, Arch, that's mine.

What is it? It's nothin'.
It's a mongoose.

Mozzarella moves
in for the k*ll.

Sugar Jackson surprises
him with a left uppercut.

It says... Yeah, look
at that, "mongoose."

Says "mongoose" right on it.

Yeah, that's what it
is, so don't touch it.

It's sleeping.
Mongooses don't like

to be bothered
when they're sleeping.

Well, what are you
gonna do with it?

I bought it for a birthday
gift for my girlfriend Doris.

Oh, Doris, uh, she
likes birds, huh?

Arch, a mongoose ain't a bird.

It's a rare, exotic animal.

It eats snakes.

And it's real ferocious.

Yeah, so don't touch it.

Now, Mozzarella is down, see,

and the referee is
counti" "six, seven, eight."

I mean, I figured he could
have counted to , . Yeah.

Wouldn't have
made any difference.

Mozzarella's not getting
up, know what I mean?

You ain't got no
mongoose in there.

Okay, Arch, there's
nothing in there.

All I see is some doo-doos.

Those are droppings, Arch,

rare mongoose droppings.

So, Mozzarella surprises me.

Just my luck, he
staggers to his feet,

the bell rings, and...

What the hell does a
mongoose look like, anyway?

It's a long, skinny thing.

It looks like a
rat in a mink coat.

With fangs.

Oh, you guys seen it, huh?

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

There's only a couple
dozen of them in the world,

and they're very
temperamental and high strung,

so don't fiddle around with it.

So how did you get one?
An army buddy of mine

sent it to me from Bombay.

What do you mean Bombay?

Says on here "India."

Well, that's where
Bombay is, Arch, it's in India.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He trains them to fight cobras,

and the mongooses always win.

Oh, wait a minute,

didn't I see that once in
an old Frank Buck picture?

Yeah, Bring 'Em Back Alive.

Yeah, little fast things
that run around, yeah.

I never seen a
real, live one there.

Let's have a look at it.
Yeah, let's see it again.

Come on, Pinky, I wanna look
at it, too. No, it's very dangerous.

What do you mean, dangerous?

But Arch ain't seen it yet.

All right, all right.

What, is he back here someplace?

That's where he's sleeping.

Now, just look,
and listen to me.

Don't touch it
with your fingers.

I ain't touchin' nothin' there.

You gotta get in real
close to see it, see?

I'll just tap this box
and wake him up.

Now, watch closely,
because he moves very fast.

Aah!

It got me in the neck!

Got him in the neck.

Which end gotcha, Arch?

Get it out of here!

Arch, you should
have seen your face!

Ah, what the hell are ya doin'?

Nearly scared the life
out of me over there.

Oh, Bunker, where's
your sense of humor?

What do you mean, humor?

That ain't funny,
that's dangerous there.

I'm sorry, Arch.

Ah, you ought to be sorry.

I apologize. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, no hard feelings, huh?

Let's shake. Yeah,
why do you do a thing...

Oh!

Don't laugh! That's not funny.

Oh, Arch, you always fall...

Go on and laugh.

I hope youse choke over there.

I ain't buyin' no more
rounds of beers in here,

I tell ya that.

You never bought a
round for us yet, Arch.

Well, you just blew
your last chance.

Ah, come on, Arch.
Hey, don't be sore.

Ah, you should have known
better than that there. Ah, but, Arch...

I don't wanna be with you guys.

Still pals, eh, Arch?

Ah, to hell with youse.

Ooh.

Oh!

Oh.

I'm coming!

Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

How do you do?

Remember me?

Beverly... Beverly LaSalle!

You do remember. I'm so glad.

Well, come on in.

How could I forget you?

You're the lady Archie saved,

but you turned out to be a man.

Right.

Well, give me your coat.

My, you still look like a lady.

Well, I just finished
dress rehearsal.

I'm on my way back to the motel,

and I wanted to stop in
and see you. Well, sit down.

I'm glad you did.

I'm sorry it's such a mess,

but I was just vacuuming,

and I got it stuck under the TV.

Oh, can I help you?

Oh, no, no, it's
too heavy to lift.

Archie'll do it
when he gets home.

Oh, it's not trouble.

Oh, no, you might
strain something.

Don't be silly.

Uh, can you get the part now?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
for you to hold it so long.

I just never seen a
lady pick up a heavy TV.

Oh, I keep forgetti"
you ain't a lady.

Oh, I mean you act like a la...

Oh, well, you know what I mean.

I know what you mean.

Yeah, well, sit down.

Thank you.

Do you realize, Mrs. Bunker,

it was exactly a year ago today

that Mr. Bunker saved my life.

That's right.

He gave you mouth-to-mouth
in the backseat of his cab.

Right, and to mark the event,

I want you and Mr. Bunker

to be my guests
tonight for dinner,

and after dinner you
can come see me work.

Are you back at
the new Pink Tiger?

Yes, maybe it's coincidence,

but they love me here in Queens.

Hey, Edith, I'm home.

Oh, Archie, guess who's here.

It's Beverly LaSalle.

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

If it ain't Miss Mouth-to-Mouth.

Uh, did anybody see
you comin' in here?

Just me.

Nobody, good.

What are you doing back in town?

You working here again?

Yeah, at the new Pink Tiger.

Oh, I thought the
cops closed that joint.

Yes, but it was
reopened by the mafia.

Oh, swell.

Beverly wants us to
go to dinner with her,

I mean with him,

and then go and
see a show after.

Uh, well, to tell you the
truth there, uh, Beverly,

that, I, uh, you know,

when I come home from
work I get awful tired, you know,

and I don't like
to go out no place,

so, uh, suppose we
just say "nice to see ya,

and hope to see you
soon again," huh?

Oh, come on, Mr. Bunker,
we've got to celebrate.

It's our anniversary.

Huh?

Don't you remember?

Oh, don't do that. Don't
do that, Beverly, huh?

Now, it's not that I don't
like to remember that,

but, see... Why don't you
put something on the table?

We could have
some supper here...

What the hell ya
kick me in the butt for?

'Cause you got a
sign on your back

that says "kick me hard."

Ah, jeez, that Pinky Peterson.

No wonder they
was all laughin' at me

over Northern boulevard there.

Jeez, I gotta get
even with this guy.

Come on, what do
you say, Mr. Bunker?

Dinner tonight at your
favorite restaurant?

Oh, no, I don't
think so, uh, uh...

We ain't been out to
dinner for a long time.

I don't think so,
Beverly. Please!

No.

The treat's on me, Mr. Bunker.

Just the three of us,

unless there's someone
you'd like to invite.

Well, no, it ain't that,
Beverly, but that... I...

Well, you know, uh,
there is a guy that...

Well, no, he'd never go for it.

Why the hell not?

You're right. Yeah.

Suppose I get this guy I know,

and he could be
your escort there,

we'll go out like
a four-tet, huh?

Oh. All right.

Let me run back to the
motel and change, then.

Wait, wait, wait. Change what?

I'll get into a suit and tie.

No! No, don't do that!

Stay just the way you are.
You look gorgeous that way.

But Mr. Bunker, I've never been
to dinner in a dress in my life.

Oh, no? Well, listen,
this'll be the first time!

Archie, who are
you gonna invite?

A guy. A guy.

But Archie, he'll
think Beverly is a girl.

That's the whole point, Edith.

I don't think we should do that.

Will you shut up?

You don't have to
cook dinner tonight,

you're getting
out of the house...

What the hell you care what
happens when you're out?

Harry? Hi.

Archie here. Is Pinky
Peterson hanging around there?

You're gonna ask
Pinky Peterson?!

Shhh... shh, you!

Hi, Pinky. Archie here.

No, oh, no, no.

Listen, listen, no.
That was all in fun,

plenty of laughs
and everything else.

And the "Kick Me"
sign, did it work here.

I got in the door, Edith run up,

and she give me a boot right
where the sun don't shine.

Oh, she's hysterical,
she's still laughing.

Laugh it up there. Get in there.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, hear that?

Uh... uh... Pinky,
the reason I called is

Edith and me would like you to
go out to dinner tonight with us

and an old friend of hers from
out of town who's visiting here.

Oh, well, listen, to
hell with the bowling.

You can bowl anytime.

We're going over to Hop Sing's.

Look, no, listen. Doris?
What's the difference?

I mean, you ain't married to
Doris, you can come along here.

It's gonna be swell.

Yeah? Good. Good.

Yeah. Listen, don't lose no
time gettin' over here, Pinky,

because have I
got a girl for you.

Mr. Bunker, this is
deceiving a total stranger.

I can't go along with
that. Aw, come on.

And I don't think you
should make Beverly

do something she don't...
I mean he don't want to do.

Edith, I ain't got no time to
argue with the two of youse.

Pinky's gonna be walking
in that door any minute.

Take my word for it, this
is gonna be an evening

loaded with fun for everybody.

Don't do that! Stay
with me, will ya?

Listen, listen, Beverly,
remember this... I saved your life,

and you owe me a
favor. You owe me, Bev.

There he is. There he is, now.

Come on, Edith, come
on, get somethin' on, huh?

Get a dress on, huh?

Come on, get somethin'
on. But, Archie...

Go upstairs, get
somethin' nice on.

Can't you make yourself look
adorable like Beverly there?

Go on up there!

There he is, there he is!

Sit down, sit down, huh?

Sit down.

Jeez.

Remember, now,

you're supposed to
be an old school friend

of Edith's from out of town.

Mr. Bunker, I don't think
I can get away with this.

Yes, you... I'll
be there! Hold it.

You can get away
with it. Don't sit like that.

Cross your knees
kinda cute there.

Point the toes like sexy there.

Can you do something
with this here?

Okay, okay there, fine.

Now, just sit there and relax.

Try and smile there.

You know, huh?

All the charm you can give it.

Play easy to get.

Hiya there, Pinky. Hey,
Arch, what do you say?

Come on in, Pink.

Hey, I want you to meet
Miss Beverly LaSalle

from out in Miniola
Garden city way here.

This is Pinky Peterson
from Sunnyside.

How do you do?

Any friend of
Edith's has got to be

sweeter than the roses in Maine.

Hey, hey, hey,
look at that, huh?

The hand-kissin',
ain't that class, see?

He learned that down south.

He was a dog-catcher in Atlanta.

I'm gonna run upstairs
and get a coat and a tie,

just like you.

Just stay down here, and
get acquainted, you know.

Hey, but don't move
too fast too soon, Pinky.

You're out with a
real lady tonight.

This girl's got a
high school diploma.

So, you're Beverly LaSalle
from out of town, huh?

Is that your real name
or your stage name?

My God, you know!

I recognized you
the minute I came in.

I saw them puttin'
up your picture today.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed,
Mr. Peterson.

I would have never done
anything like this on my own.

Bunker put you up
to this, didn't he?

I knew he was up to
somethin'. I'm glad you know.

Now we can go out
and have a good time,

and I can go back to
the motel and change.

No, no, now, look,
since Archie lined this up,

let's let him think
he's pulling it off.

I don't understand.

Well, you see, I been
pullin' the bum-jokes

on him for years, and all he
wants to do is get even with me.

And you'd let him?

Are you kidding?

I love that guy.

He's like a brother to me.

I really love him.
It'll make him happy.

Well, all right. I
owe it to him I guess.

If you're sure it'll really
make him happy... okay.

Here we are. Hey, you ready now?

Yeah, we're starvin'.

All dressed up for a
big night on the town.

Uh, Edith, you know Pinky
Peterson from the lodge there.

Pleasure is mine.

Beverly, could I
assist you there?

Hey, hey, Pinky, you
gotta be kinda swift

with the gentleman
stuff there, huh?

Edith, come on, get
your coat on, huh?

Edith, you look
like Miss America.

Oh, thank you. So do you.

Hey there, Pinky,

we're out with a couple
of beauties tonight, huh?

Oh, Mr. Peterson,

you shouldn't have ordered
these. They're so strong.

I'm getting so light-headed

I may not be able
to look after myself.

Whoopee, Edith.

If I drink anymore
I'll get dizzy.

Just rest your
lovely, little head

right on my shoulder.

Ain't that nice, Edith?

Don't that kinda take you back?

No.

My, what broad shoulders
you have, Mr. Peterson.

You're in pretty good
shape there yourself.

She's a lovely big girl.

I always liked gals

with a little meat
on their bones.

Yeah, rummage around
there. You'll find a lot more.

You know, it's
evenings like this

when I think of what
a lucky guy I am.

Got my health, good friends,

still got some of my
hair, and now this.

Why, Mr. Peterson,

you don't know
anything about me.

I know what I like,
and I like what I see.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall

when he sees the whole works.

Don't you think this has
gone on long enough?

We'll know when it's
gone on long enough.

When?

When Pinky comes
after me with a club.

♪ You were meant for me ♪

♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum ♪

♪ I was meant for you ♪

♪ Ba-bum, ba-bum-bum,
ba-bum, ba-bum ♪

♪ Nature patterned you,
and when she was done ♪

Archie, stop.

Excuse me, uh, Beverly,

I'm goin' to the ladies room,
would you like to come?

Oh, I'd love to.

Not too long,
it'll be an eternity.

Wait a minute, how
are we gonna do this?

Sitting down.

♪ You're like a
plaintive melody ♪

Hey, you know, Pinky,

you don't see that very
often no more, you know?

A guy singin'
romantically to a girl.

See what happened?
You started to croon to her,

she went straight to the can.

Well, you know, I mean to
splash a little water on the face,

cool off there.

You have her breathless there.

You're in, buddy.

I really wanna thank you, Arch.

This is something new.

I never felt like this before.

Yeah, but isn't it a
shame about poor Doris,

you know, your
sweetheart who loves you?

She's gonna be broken-hearted.

Oh, Doris is the same old thing.

Beverly is something different.

In every way, buddy.

Can I see you for a minute?

No.

Please? I gotta talk to you.

All right, excuse me
there, Pinky, Beverly.

Edith's got a little pain
over here or somethin'.

Archie, Beverly's had enough.

I think we should go home.

This whole thing may come

to a beautiful
finish any minute,

but if it don't and we go home,

the two of us go
straight upstairs.

No coffee or
crullers or nothin'.

We leave the
downstairs to them, see?

Now, we stay up
there nice and quiet

until Pinky has
his heart att*ck.

Oh, no. No, no, we ain't
gonna do that. Wait, wait...

Mr. Peterson, I got
somethin' to tell you.

You see, Archie is
playi" a joke on you.

You can wait about five more
minutes. Go on, tell 'em, Archie.

All right, Edith, yeah,
all right, it's a joke.

That's right,
Pinky, it's a joke,

and the joke is on
you for a change,

and a hell of a joke it is.

You mean that Beverly's a guy?

Beverly... Did you
say somethin' to him?

I can never catch
this guy at nothin'.

- I got you again, Bunker.
- Ah, jeez.

You told me you wanted
him to have his revenge.

You rat!

Beverly, sweetheart,

you're the only
dame I ever loved.

I love you, I love you!

Doris!

Doris, I thought you was
never gonna get here.

Oh, my God!

Is this what you mean

by going bowlin' with the boys?

Doris, I can explain everything!

Oh, Archie, you were so right.

Thank you for callin'
me, and tippin' me off

to this philanderer!

Doris, I couldn't
do nothin' else.

Archie, that was a
terrible thing to do.

I had to stand by Doris here.

Doris, you don't understand.

Beverly, explain it to Doris.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Same time tomorrow
night, Pinkums?

Doris, Beverly isn't a lady.

Not if she's out
with you, you crumb.

Oh, no, no, no, he means

that she... I mean,
he ain't a woman.

Yeah, show 'em, Beverly.

Should I, Mr. Bunker?

Yeah, go ahead, but be
careful of the things you show,

'cause we could
get locked up here.

All right. Showtime!

What is wrong...!

It's a man.

Yeah.

You see, Doris,

I wasn't out with a woman.
I was out with a man.

See, Doris?

You almost married
a closet fruit here.

Sickie! Sickie!

You're a real sicko, Pinky.

You're a sickie! Doris...

So long there, sickie!

Doris, please let me explain!

Hey, give my regards to
the mongoose there, sickie!

Oh, Archie, stop it.

Ah... Everybody's
lookin' at you.

Oh, what the hell
are they lookin' at?

All they do is see a girl
take a wig off and put it back.

What the hell are
youse all lookin' at?

Mind you business and
eat your chinks over there.

We ain't goin' no place, Edith.

The food is comin',
we gonna celebrate.

This is one of the
greatest nights of my life!

I finally got even
with that guy!

I gotta thank you
two swell girls!

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.