02x22 - The Aunt Who Came to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Will, a deal's a deal.

You picked the movie.
I pick the restaurant.

Oh, please. Man, this
ain't no restaurant.

I mean, there wasn't
even no golden arches
outside.

Will, please.

You're this far
from washing windshields
with newspaper.

Now just sit down
and try to go a half-hour
without saying "yo."

Yo, yo, yo.

I'll have two of those.

Uh, ladies, ladies, uh, hello.

Uh, this is
your lucky day.

You know, anyone who
sits in these chairs

Gets served
on the house.

[Speaking french]

Yo, carlton, man,
they're french girls.

We're in!

Yo, they don't have
no standards, man.

They like jerry lewis.

Hey, look, man, check it out.
Follow my lead. I'm a rich
and famous rap star.

Uh, you always get
to be the rap star.

This time, I'll
be the rap star,

And you be
gary coleman.

Uh, ahem...

Uh, bonjour, slimmies.

Bonjour.

Bonjour. Je suis
un tres important rap star.

Vraiment?
A rap star!

C'est fantastique.
I love rap.

I am renee, and
this is monique.

And what do you
call yourself?

Uh, he's, uh...
Tiny by nature.

Um, so, how would you ladies
like to spend an evening

In tiny's bel-air mansion?

Monique,
he has a mansion.

A big one.

Tennis court,
swimming pool,

Excellent
school system.

[Speaking french]
[speaking french]

How about tomorrow night?

We're only going to be in l.a.
For four days.

Uh, would you excuse us
for just...

Yo, when are uncle phil
and aunt viv going
out of town?

Uh, tomorrow through monday.

But what do we do about
hilary and ashley, lie?

Oh, no, man. Come
on, they're family.
We bribe them.

Yeah, tomorrow night
will be perfect.

Uh, separate checks,
please.

Tomorrow...

We go french.

But tonight
we go dutch.

♪ Now, this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like
to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called bel-air ♪

♪ In west philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin',
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one
little fight ♪

♪ And my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said--you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in bel-air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪

♪ And when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate
said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything, I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought,
nah, forget it ♪

♪ Yo, homes, to bel-air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7 or 8 ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabby ♪

♪ Yo, homes,
smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom,
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of bel-air ♪

Game plan for tonight,
will--

As soon as the parental units
are out of the house,

We pick the girls up
at their hotel,

Then we ply we them with perrier
to get them in the mood.

Hey, carlton,
they're french girls.

They're always
in the mood.

Do you know the french
word for "foreplay"?

Because there isn't one.

Okay, sweetheart,
I'm counting on you

To take care
of your sister

While your father and I
are at the jazz festival.

Okay,

But last time
I squealed on hilary,

I found barbie face down
in the aquarium.

[Scat singing]

Boy, boy,
you kids and your music.

Ah, when I was young,
lyrics meant something.

I was scatting,
will.

That's the most
expressive form
of singing.

For example...

[Scat singing]

♪ Vivian, we're
gonna be late ♪

[Scat singing]

♪ Vivian, we're
gonna be late ♪

Alright, hilary, honey,
here's the number

Where your father and I
are gonna be staying
at the hotel.

Okay, I am ready.

Wait. I forgot my purse.

Has anybody seen
my old brown bag?

Excuse me.

You used to
call me diva.

Helen!

Hi, sweetie!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Well, what
a wonderful surprise.

I'll put these
in the guest room.

Ah, so this is what
a hernia feels like.

Well, bobby's visiting
lester's parents
for the weekend,

So I decided to take
a little trip.

Now you know I'm
always doing things
on the spur of the moment--

Buy a new hat,
paint the house,

Get a divorce.

Not again?

This time,
he's gone too far.

Does uncle lester
still do

That pull-my-finger
thing in church?

I don't want
to talk about it,

Not in front
of the young one.

That means
it's about sex.

Either uncle lester
is seeing another woman

Or becoming one.

Ashley, don't
be ridiculous.

And no more oprah.

sh**t! And it's
tr*nsv*stite week.

I'm afraid
ashley's right.

I think lester's
messing around.

Look, I just need
a place to stay
for a while.

Uh, yeah, aunt helen,
that's cool.

You can have
my room...

In philly.

Will, don't be
so insensitive.

Aunt helen,
you're staying at
the howard johnson,

And I won't take no
for an answer.

Uh, boys,
knock it off.

Philip, we cannot
go to san francisco.

Now, don't be canceling
anything because of me.

I'll be fine.

You heard what she said.
She'll be fine. Let's go, viv.

I'm not leaving
at a time like this.

Come on, sweetie.
I'll help you unpack.

Okay.

What about our date?
This is so unfair.

You're telling me.

I stayed up all night
learning the french

For "forget about my cousin.
Y'all can both have me."

Sweetheart, I feel
so bad about this.

Oh, me, too.

You poor thing.
You know what?

I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
buy something really nice.

Oh, sweetie,
that's alright.

You don't have
to buy me anything.

Oh, I know.
I meant for me.

Honey, you know, all married
couples go through rough times.

But maybe if you just
talk to lester--

Talk to him?

Girl, I wouldn't
give lester air

If he was in a jug.

Well, sweetheart,
I don't mean to pry,

And you don't
have to give me all
the gory details, but--

Vivian, I told you.

There is another woman
in his life,

And I don't mean
his ugly mama.

But lester
is crazy about you.

Was.
Now he's just crazy.

You know how some men
are animals in bed?

Yes.

Well, I don't.

Well, I know how that goes.

One day last month,
I met philip at the door

Wearing nothing, honey,
but saran wrap and a smile.

Walked right past me
and said,

"Hi, honey. Did you
make that meat loaf?"

Well, at least he spoke.

Vivian...

Vivian, last night,
I followed lester.

He drove over to this
cute little house

With this cute
little picket fence,

And this cute
little home wrecker
opened the door.

I would have been
reaching for my
cute little crowbar.

I couldn't find it.

Anyway,

She let him in,

And he stayed.

For how long?

Let's just say
I got tired of waiting.

Look, mademoiselles,
un petit change of
plans for tonight.

Instead of you
coming over here,

We're going
to rendezvous
at your hotel.

Alright, alright, but, baby,
but please, baby, baby, listen.

Can I talk
for a second, baby?

It's just, you know,

Somebody kind of
dropped by the mansion,

You know, unexpectedly,
you know, so we--

Who dropped by?

Aunt helen.

Sorry.

What? No, no, no.

You thought
he said aunt helen?

No, no.
He said, uh, uh,
van halen.

Well, not to worry,

My little
chocolate truffles.

You can come by
tomorrow night.

Prince and hammer
are coming by
to play yahtzee.

Oh, uh, sorry. Got to go.
Barry white's here.

It's 7:15.

Right now bobby mcferrin
is performing.

I love bobby mcferrin.

Not as much
as we love french...

Toast.

Dad, call me optimistic,

But I'm sure
you'll still make it
to the jazz festival.

Aunt helen's probably
blowing this whole thing
out of proportion.

You're probably right.
Smith women tend to do that.

Ha ha. I remember one day
I came home from work

After a really rough time.

I think we were having
meat loaf for dinner.

Anyway, your aunt vivian
was really furious at me

Because I forgot
to mention her dress or--

Oh, my god!

Vi--

Vivian!

Tomorrow on geraldo--

French women
who can't say no.

It's not fair, will.

Monique is
everything I've ever
wanted in a woman--

Beautiful, sexy,

And she
measures everything
in centimeters.

Look, man, all I know is
if we don't get this house
cleared out by tonight,

The only sweet things
we're going to be near

Is a couple klondike bars.

Vivian! Vivian, sweetheart,
come here, please.

Hurry!

There's no more saran wrap,

And baggies
are out of the question.

No, sweetheart,
it's not that.

Uh, helen, could you
come in here, please?

Now listen,
I made some phone calls

And I managed to scare
up an extra ticket

To the jazz festival.

So we can all go--
me, you, and helen.

Oh, I love you,
uncle phil!

I'll get the bags
and the car.

Hell, I'll carry you
there if I have to.

Excuse me, mrs. Lewis,
but you have a visitor.

Me? Who is it?

Your husband mr. Lewis.

Sir, I hope you brought
your protective cup.

Sweetie pie, get your bags.
The taxi's waiting.

Would someone please inform
action jackson over there

That I'm not going
anywhere with him?

Helen, you're my wife.

If you refuse
to leave with me,

You know what I'm
gonna have to do.

Drag her home
by her extensions?

No.

I'm going to stay
right here with you

Till you
change your mind.

Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!

Good old
aunt jemima.

Now, that's
a strong woman.

I never saw her
with a man.

Actually, I hear that she
and the quaker oats dude

Got a kind of
a jungle fever thing going.

Good morning,
everybody.

Good morning,
lester.
Good morning.

I just lost my appetite.

Helen, please.

Alright, I'll stay,

But I'm not
talking to him,

Not after what he did.

Baby, I know
things aren't
going perfect,

But why did
you leave me?

Was it because
I left my wet
underwear

Hanging on
your wig stand?

Wrong, but an
interesting concept.

Then what was it?

The time I took
that picture of you
on the toilet?

That's it.
I'm never getting married.

Lester,
perhaps you'd like

To continue
this conversation
in private.

How about if you
continued it at home?

I'll get your bags.

You know what? In fact,

Forget your bags.
We'll mail them to you.

Just go,
you crazy kids in love!

I apologize.

This is no way
for civilized people

To behave
in someone else's home.

No need to, helen.

It won't happen again.

Good.
Now shall we just enjoy
the rest of geoffrey's meal?

Amen to that.

Hilary, would you please ask
the adulterer on your right

To pass the biscuits?

What?

Dr. Connors, please.

It's her patient lester.

No, not lester
the schizophrenic.

Lester,

The impotent guy.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Hello, anita.

Yeah, it's me, lester.

Ohh.

Helen's driving me crazy.

I needed
to talk to you.

No, I didn't tell her
about you.

You know, I think
seeing you was a mistake.

I mean, I really like you,

And you're really good
at what you do,

But there's part of me
that would prefer a man.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I guess you're right.
It's not about you.

It's about me
and helen and...

Look, maybe now isn't
such a good time to talk.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Oh, man.

How you trying
to play my aunt, man?

Alright, that's it.
I'm feeling froggy.

I'm about to leap.

But--but hold up.

Would you really
prefer a man?

Wait a minute.
Back up, man!

You think--
anita's my
psychiatrist, will.

Oh, yeah, right,
and I just won a grammy.

Come on. Come on.
Man-to-man, toe-to-toe.

Come on!

Will, will, I understand
your anger, and if you
want to take out

Your passive aggressive
feelings towards your
absent father on me,

Then go ahead.

Man, you really must
be seeing a shrink.

Hey, what does it mean
when you dream

That you're flying
through a tunnel
on a scud m*ssile?

Hey, well, hold up.

Aunt helen saw you
going into anita's house.

She thinks
y'all knocking boots.

What?

Yeah.

Will, would you
turn down the--

Get away from him, will.

You don't owe him anything.

I'm the one who
signed his name to all
your damn birthday cards.

Look, aunt helen,
uncle lester got
something to tell you.

The woman that
he's been seeing,

She's no regular woman.
She's a doctor.

A doctor?

Oh, that's good.
A doctor.

Well, this will give
you a reason to see
more of her. Lester.

Hey, helen!

Helen, stop it!
Helen!

Whoa! Who's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Aunt helen.

My shower's broken.

Uncle phil fixed it.

Looks like he fixed
this door, too.

Yo! Somebody
let me out!

What's up?

What's happening?

What the hell
is going on?

Gee, will,
where were you

When you were
supposed to be with

Two luscious
french girls?

I was trapped
in a bathroom
with my naked aunt.

Helen...

Now that I've got you
in a room without books,

There's something
I've got to tell you.

Ain't nobody gonna
tell me nothin'.

Lester, don't make me
get ethnic on you!

Oh, damn.

Woman, would you
for once let me
do the talking?

Now, anita is a--

I bet the hussy
has a weave.

And she's younger than
I am, too, isn't she?

Anita's my psychiatrist.

I've been seeing her ever
since I was passed over

For that promotion
at the plant.

When I missed out
on that job,
I lost my confidence.

Well, I knew you lost
something, but...

I didn't know
it was your confidence.

Well, why do you
think I started
seeing a shrink?

Will, cover your ears.

Oh. Yes, ma'am.

How could you think
I was even seeing
another woman?

Well, you know
what they say.

If the rooster
ain't crowing
in the henhouse,

He must be
cock-a-doodlin'
in the barn.

Helen, I wasn't
cock-a-doodling
anywhere.

When that job
went south, well...

My doodle
went with it.

You know I'm crazy
about you, baby.

Well, I wish you would
have said something.

But knowing me,
I wouldn't have
listened anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

No. I still should have
told you about anita.

I'm the one who's sorry.

It was worth it
if it worked.

Did it?

Did it work?

There's only one way
to find out.

Uh, guys?

Oh!

Help me, somebody!
Let me out of here!

Ohh! They doin' it!

Oh, I hope you two
aren't upset

About missing
the jazz festival.

Oh, don't be
ridiculous.

What's important
is that you and lester
are back together again.

Right on.

Besides, I'm sure
it'll never happen again.

No,

Because we love
each other too much.

No, because
we're moving

And we're not going
to tell you where.

Bye, baby.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. See you.
You take care now.
Bye, baby.

Okay, vivian,
we got to go.

Our reservations
are for 7:00.

Philip, you know,

We so seldom
have the house
all to ourselves.

Instead of going out,
why don't we

Just spend a quiet
evening at home?

Together,
just the two of us.

Oh. Sounds good to me.

Mmm.

Vivian.
Hmm?

When's the last time
we skinny-dipped
in the jacuzzi?

I don't think it was
the 4th of july,

But I do remember
fireworks.

Mmm. I'll get
the champagne.

You get
the nose plugs.

Alright,
they left for dinner.

Now, remember, we don't
have that much time

Until they get back.

How would you
like to see
tiny's jacuzzi?

Jacuzzi? Ah, oui, oui.

Uh, but, monique, we do not
have the bathing suits.

No problem.

Neither do we.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Will: right
this way, ladies.

Here, let me turn on
the bubbles.

Hey, what's up,
uncle phil?

Uncle phil?

Philip: will!

Carlton: father!

Vivian: carlton!

Carlton: mother!

Monique: ooh! Monsieur!

Lester, don't make me have
to get ecknic on--hoo!

Ecknic. Don't make me
have to get ecknic on you.

You get the champagne.

Mm-hmm.

I'll get the champagne.

Somebody get
the damn champagne.

I'm just so excited--

Aunt helen...

You're staying
at the howard johnson...

I couldn't say
anything after that.

He should really shut up
now, but he won't.