02x24 - Striptease for Two

[bunniefuu]

Will, give me all your money.

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlton. I don't
feel like playing 7-eleven.

This isn't a game, Will.

I know you have 50 bucks,
and I need it.

Oh, forget it, man,
with 50 bucks

I can take 25 women
out to dinner.

Listen carefully, Will.

And I know you can hear me
with ears that big.

Bif's dad
is a bankruptcy lawyer.

And according to him,
Westworld Airlines

is about to fall prey
to a corporate raider.

Word? Man, I don't believe that.
A corporate raider?

What the bloody hell
are you talkin' about?

It's called
inside information.

And it's quite illegal.

So is that French nanny
you're dating.

Enough said.

The point is,
I've only got 50 bucks.

I need a 100 to buy the stock.

Alright, just let me think about
it for a little while, alright?

No.

Will, take my hand,
come out of the ghetto..

...and take a stroll
down Wall Street.

You see, we buy stock in
Westworld Airlines today

for two dollars a share.

And by Friday,
it's worth eight dollars.

Now when you take
a girl out to dinner

they can get
something to eat, too.

Oh! So then they'll
owe me something.

I'm with you!

Uh, here's my 20.

I thought you said
it was illegal?

It is!

God, how I love
life on the edge!

- Hi, guys.
- 'Hey, Aunt Viv.'

Carlton honey, would you drop
my bracelet off at the jewelers?

- The clasp broke.
- Sure.

Whoa! Those almost look
like real diamonds.

They are, so be careful.

[chimes]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became
the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your
auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate
said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, hello, there, uh..

..."Agnes."

My, that's a lovely tattoo.

You know, the Kn*fe dripping
blood really sets off your eyes.

I did it myself.
So, what you got?

Uh, we have this lovely,
expensive bracelet.

Two hundred dollars.

For an ordinary bracelet.

But not okay for one
that formerly belonged

to Catherine the Great.

The one-armed chick
that works the corner

of Hollywood and Vine?

She a class act. Okay, 300.

Uh, did we mention
that it ain't stolen?

Okay, 400, but that's only

'cause I think your short friend
here is kind of cute.

Hey, small stuff,
you want to come back here

and check out
the rest of my merchandise?

[instrumental music]

This is a delicious meal,
Geoffrey.

- You've outdone yourself.
- You're too kind, sir.

[yelling]
Moron! Fathead!

Geoffrey, must you listen to
the Dodgers game during dinner?

I'm terribly sorry, madam

but it is the bottom
of the ninth

the bases are loaded.

However, I will maintain
my professionalism.

[yelling]
Bunt, you pasty-faced sod!

Peas?

Mom, have I told you

that every year you grow
even more youthful?

You're going to be well
into your 40s

before you need
plastic surgery.

No. You cannot have the
Diamond League over for lunch.

Daddy, you promised
you would reason with her.

Honey, I don't know
why you want to join

that organization anyway?

Baby, it was different
when I joined.

Today, all those women care
about are cars, men and money.

Well, what's wrong with that,
sweetheart?

Men with money can drive her
away in their cars.

Come on.
It's just a little lunch.

You never got me a pony.

Geoffrey,
start buffing the silver.

[yelling]
What the hell's your problem?

You got bricks
in your butt, you clown?

Right away, madam.

[instrumental music]

(man on TV)
'Today's big story
is the rumor of Westworld Air's'

'imminent takeover, which has
caused its shares to skyrocket.'

- Your milk, Master Carlton.
- Oh, thank you, Geoffrey.

- How's our stock doing?
- Up 300 percent.

Yay!

And might I add, hah!

Hey, man, you know
what I'm gonna do

with my share of the money?

I'mma go out
and get my very own team.

It's between the Raiderettes

and the Laker Girls.

You can't buy love, Will.

Man, what you talkin' about?
I don't want love.

I just want them to follow
me around and say..

♪ Go Will get busy ♪

[scatting]

(man on TV)
'Here's a Wall Street update.'

'The SEC Has suspended trading
on Westworld Air'

'pending an announcement.'

Come on, Carlton. Translate.

How can I put this in terms
he'll understand?

More money. More money.
More money.

[both laughing]

Man, I'm going to get me
the best girlfriend

money can buy.

Oh, come on, man.
You got to think investment.

See, I'mma go out and I'mma get
me a Burger King, right?

And then I'mma hire some
topless counter girls

and then I'mma
really have it my way.

(man on TV)
'News just in,
Westworld Airlines'

'has just filed
for a Chapter 11.'

Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Aah!

[laughing]

Carlton?

Yes, Will?

That ain't a good thing,
is it?

No, Will.

We're in trouble, ain't we?

Yes, Will.

We just lost everything.

Oh, my God!

How're we gonna
get mom's bracelet back?

Shh! Come on, man.

- Uh, don't panic.
- Too late.

Dad knows.
No Harvard. Dead end.

Paper or plastic?

Co-co-come on.
Just relax. Look.

We'll just go get
well-payin' jobs.

Uh, uh, very
well-payin' jobs.

[instrumental music]

Twenty-four, twenty-five.

Gosh, who'd have thought
they'd pay you so little

for selling your blood?

How do you feel, Will?

I'm fine.

Oh, buck up.

We only have to give blood
50 more times

to get mom's bracelet back.

There's got to be
an easier way, man.

If I could just get
them "Classifieds."

- Hmm.
- Let me..

You're not going to hit me
with this, are you?

I'd like to,
but I see three of you

and I don't know
which one to hit.

Face it, Will. You're not gonna
find a job in there.

I mean, what are you
qualified to do

besides flirt with women

and dance to loud
primitive music?

"Male strippers wanted."

Bingo!

Will, tell me you're joking.

Even you with your depraved
working-class morality

wouldn't stoop so low.

"Earn up to $500 a night."

Shake that groove thing.

[instrumental music]

So did you get
the stripper job or not?

Does David Duke
shop white sales?

They-they said
I was a natural, man.

They're going to call me
with my first gig.

Oh, hold up, Will.

Granted, we're desperate
for money

but maybe you should
stop and think

of what kind of life
you'll be leading.

Yeah. You're right, C.

Dancin' around
in some cheap club

while women put dollars
down my underpants.

I love this country.

Ah, my financial advisors
have arrived.

[yelling]
Moron! Fathead!

I didn't know
the Dodgers were playing.

They're not, thieving wankers.

[instrumental music]

So I think I should ask
for my money back.

I mean, I've been in this
weight-loss program

six whole months,
and look at me, I'm Shamu.

Oh!

Philip, I thought you had an
important business lunch?

Nothing is more important
than our little
bachelorette.

Mrs. DeWynter,
so nice to see you again.

Thank you.

So, what do you think
of our little Hilary?

She's going to make some man
a wonderful wife one day.

Soon, I hope.

Well, I think I speak for
all of us leaguers when I say..

- Isn't she lovely?
- Oh, yes.

[applause]

Vivian, I do hope
you'll bring Hilary

to our new members dinner.

Well, I think I can speak
for Vivian

when I say,
"She'll be there."

- Philip--
- In her brand new BMW.

See you there.

[instrumental music]

Ashley sweetie, we are going
to the Diamond League dinner

at the Gingham Turtle
Restaurant.

Now here's the address
and phone number

in case there's an emergency,
okay?

Mom, I'm 13-years-old.

I can take care of myself.

That's what Drew Barrymore said.

[telephone ringing]

Banks residence.

No. Master Williams
is not home, thank God.

May I take a message?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

I'll see that he gets it.

Bye.

- Ah, Master Will.
- 'Hey, G.'

The Boogie Buns Agency
called.

It appears you have a job
this evening.

Bam! My first gig!
Where is it?

Uh, the address
is on the counter.

- Alright.
- Oh, and, uh..

They also requested
that you bring a spare G-string.

There's an explanation
for that, G.

[humming]

Oh. Yo, Carlton,
I got a gig, man!

We're home free. We'll get
aunt Viv's bracelet out of hock.

She'll never know
the difference.

- You mean, we're saved?
- You got it.

Hey, I picked my costume
up today.

See, I figure I'll
start out in this..

...and I figure,
I'll end up in this.

I gotta go iron this stuff,
alright. Get the address for me.

It's right over there
on the counter.

"Gingham Turtle Restaurant."

Sounds pretty sleazy.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Yo, this ain't exactly
what I expected.

Whoa!

Check out the low-life.

Yes?

Yeah, man.
I'm here for the gig.

You? You are here to perform
for the ladies?

- That's right.
- Of course, you are.

I'm serious, man.
Where are the other guys at?

- I gotta get changed.
- Other guys?

Yeah. when I auditioned, they
said I'd be second on the
bill

between King Thong and Ram-Bro.

I'm sorry,monsieur.

There is no one
on the bill, but you.

[instrumental music]

Ladies, I'm told
the entertainment has arrived.

'It's my pleasure to introduce'

the international star,
Sir Graham Higgins

doing a medley
of operatic favorites.

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

Mom, which opera is this?

Will! Shake something,
dammit!

♪ Yeah this is the story of.. ♪

[rap music]

Will, get back out here.

- 'Yeah!'
- Take it off!

Take it all off!

[audience cheering]

[music continues]

[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]

[upbeat music]

[all cheering]

[music continues]

[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]

[music continues]

[audience cheering]

[music continues]

[all cheering]

[music continues]

[all cheering]

[music continues]

Aah!

- 'Take it off!'
- Put it on!

Carlton Banks, you put
your clothes on this minute!

Mommy!

[instrumental music]

No dates, no charge cards,
no television

no movies, no phone calls,
no food!

- Sir, permission to beg, sir.
- What?

I'm deeply, deeply sorry

about the unfortunate
stripping incident.

I just want to say
it's all his fault.

What?

Um, look..

Come on, Uncle Phil, I mean, I'm
sure you did something like this

when you were a kid.

Maybe not.

I think you two
owe Hilary an apology.

Your behavior tonight
cost her an invitation

to join the Diamond League
and meet some nice young men

and you know how much
that meant to me.

I mean her.

It's okay, daddy.

The more time I spent
with those women

the more I realized
they're not my kind of
people.

I don't want to have
anything
to do with them.

Oh, honey,
I am so proud of you.

Mrs. DeWynter.

Hilary darling, why did you
run off like that?

I wanted to invite you
to join the Diamond League.

Oh, I'd love to!

Switching entertainment
like that.

What an outrageous idea!

Say, my mother's turning 90.

Are they available
for birthday parties?

- I guess I'll just--
- Sit.

I'm not through
with you two yet.

I want to know
what excuse you have

for pulling
such a stupid stunt!

- We needed the money.
- For what?

And I want the truth.

Alright. It's like this,
Uncle Phil.

See, Carlton got this
inside tip on a stock.

Federal offense. Go on.

Well, then we pawned
Aunt Viv's bracelet

to get the money for the stock.

Grand larceny. Impressive.

And then we lost the money

so we had to strip
to get the bracelet back.

That would be indecent exposure.

Is there more?

I'm afraid so, dad.

We never got the clasp
fixed on mom's bracelet.

[chuckling]
You never got the..

- And you did all..
- 'Yeah.'

[all laughing]

I don't know what to say.

[indistinct chatter]

What can I do?

[indistinct chatter]

What do you boys think
I should do?

Uh, I don't know.
Reward us for our honesty?

[all laughing]

Hey, hey.
It worked for the Beav.

[laughing]

[yelling]
Do I look like
a white guy named Ward?

Now, you get that
bracelet back.

And for the next six weeks

I don't wanna hear you breathe

or I'm callin' the Feds myself!

I-I guess this probably
ain't the best time

to tell him
we ran over the mailbox.

[instrumental music]

Come on, man.
What is wrong with you?

It's Agnes.

I can feel her undressing me
with her eyes.

I don't think so, man.
She's not laughin'.

Come on. Go ahead.

Excuse me, Agnes.

- But isn't that our bracelet?
- Was your bracelet.

I'm only obligated
to hold it for five days.

Today, is the sixth.

But we have the $500.

Oh, well, I'll give you $550.

Oh, whoa, whoa, hold it.
Hold it now. Hold it..

Look, Agnes, can I speak
to you for a second, please?

Can I speak to Agnes?

Now, look, Agnes, slimmie.

Now, what's up?
How you gonna play me?

I thought we had
an understanding, you know?

I mean, we speak
the same language and all.

What's goin' on?

Babe, we had nothin'
going on but the rent.

Oh. It's like that, right?

Just like that. 550 is what
the lady's offering.

I hope it doesn't interfere

with our relationship,
sweet and low.

Um..

Please, please,
we'll do anything.

What'll it take
to change your mind?

What you got?

[pop music on stereo]

Oh, no.

Work it, honey.

Hey, hey.
It worked for the Beav.

[all laughing]

Do I look like a white guy named
Ward?

Now I want you two to go down
there

and get that bracelet back,

and for the next six weeks

I don't wanna hear you breathe

or I'm diming you out to the
Feds myself.

[both laughing]

(Will)
Congratulations. You just made
the blooper reel.