07x14 - Gloria's False Alarm

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All in the Family". Aired: January 12, 1971 - April 8, 1979.*
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Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
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07x14 - Gloria's False Alarm

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SIGHS, THEN WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS AGAIN]

EDITH: That you, Gloria?

(SINGSONG VOICE):
Uh-huh, it's me.

I thought I heard you singin'.

How's Joey? Hope he
didn't give you any trouble.

That little angel?

Trouble? No.

He finished all of his cereal

except for what he threw on me.

Thanks, Ma.

I really appreciate you
taking care of him for me.

Oh, it's a pleasure!

Now tell me.

What happened? How are you?

What did Dr. Shapiro say?

He said I'm in excellent health.

Good.

My weight is good, my
blood pressure's fine,

my reflexes are sharp.

And it looks like I'm pregnant.

Good.

You're what?!

Pregnant.

Gloria!!

Oh, that's wonderful!

Yeah, yay. Hats and horns.

Oh, Gloria, oh, you're
gonna have another baby!

Ma, calm down.

Don't get so excited.

I mean, it's not for sure.

Dr. Shapiro took some tests
and he's gonna phone me

with the results, but I
got all the symptoms.

Oh, Gloria!!

I'm gonna be a
grandmother again!

Oh! Oh!!

Gloria!!

Joey's gonna have a playmate.

Oh! Oh, Archie's
gonna be so happy.

Oh, and Mike.

Oh, I can just see...

He ain't gonna like it at all.

I know exactly what
he's gonna say to me.

[IMITATING MICHAEL]
Gloria, I thought we agreed

not to have any more children
because we can't afford it.

Besides, what right do we
have to bring another child

into an overpopulated,
underfed, polluted world?"

Oh, Gloria, you
sound just like him.

Oh, don't worry.

It'll be different this time.

Mike has had experience.

He knows what it's
like to be a father.

Oh, Ma, I know what
it's like to be a mother.

It's wonderful. Yeah.

But Michael and I
made an agreement.

Gloria, you ain't thinki" of doin'
what you talked about doin' before...

not having it?

Oh, no, Ma.

That never even crossed my mind.

But Michael's gonna yell at me,

and I can't yell back at him,
because I know he's right.

But you ain't sure
you know for sure

that it's for sure.

So why don't you do
what I do with Archie.

Bring him a beer?

No!

I don't tell him nothin'

till I'm sure I know
for sure it's for sure.

Then I bring him a beer.

I'm home; I'm hungry!

Do I have time to make
a sandwich before lunch?

Ma, I don't feel like
talkin' to him now.

Well, go on upstairs
and lie down.

Things always look
better when you're rested.

Ma, don't say anything
to him. I'll tell him later.

Not a word. Go on.

Okay. Oh, Ma.

Yeah?

[WHIMPERS]

♪ Baby face ♪

[HUMS]

♪ Baby face ♪

Ooh... oh.

♪ Moon river ♪

Hi, Mike.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Hey, come on, Ma.

You know I don't like to
see you workin' like this.

I'm just helpin' out.

Ma, this is not your job.

It's not your house.
Where's Gloria? Gloria!

She's upstairs lyin' down.

Gloria!

She's upstairs?

Hey, Gloria, come on down here.

Mike, Mike, don't bother her.

She had a hard
day at the... ooh!

"A hard day at the ooh"?

Uh... yeah.

Hey, come on, Ma.

You were gonna
tell me somethin'.

Gloria had a hard day where?

Nowhere. Out.

Where out?

Out out.

Ma, what is the big mystery?

Where did Gloria go today?

Well, she went out and then
she came back, and then...

Oh! Here she is.

Hello, Michael. I thought
I heard you hollering.

Gloria, what is going
on around here?

Where'd you go today?

I'm sorry, Gloria.

I spilled the cat
out of the bag.

It's all right, Ma.

No, wait a second.
It's not all right.

What are you hidin' from me?

Ah?

It's not our anniversary.

Ah, it's my birthday
comin' up next week.

That's it, isn't it?

No, honey, and I'm not
hiding anything from you.

I was just looking
for the right time

and the right words to tell you.

Gloria...

don't tell me that one of
the people in this room is...

It's not me.

It's not me either, Ma.

Maybe it's me.

[SHRIEKS]

Michael... [CONTINUES SHRIEKING]

Honey, don't go
through the roof.

We better sit him down.

[WHIMPERING]

Your hands are ice cold.

I better get him
a glass of water.

What am I doing? He should
be getting me the water.

I'm the one who's pregnant.

Oh, my God!!

Honey, don't be upset!

Oh, my God!!

He ain't upset, are you, Mike?

Oh, my God!!

See, he ain't upset.

Look who's gonna
be a father again.

You're gonna have
another little bundle of joy.

Yeah, another baby.

Oh, my God!

Ma, why don't you go upstairs
and see if our little bundle of joy

is still bundled up, huh?

Yeah, sure. Right away.

Don't worry, I won't
tell nobody else,

not even Joey.

[CRYING NOISES]

Honey, honey, honey!

Honey, now before we
get into a big argument,

I gotta tell you,

I'm still waiting for a
call from Dr. Shapiro

because I might not
even be pregnant.

Gloria, I thought we
made an agreement

not to have another
child after Joey.

We can't afford it.

Besides, what right
do we have to bring...

BOTH: another child into this
overcrowded, underfed, polluted world. Yes!

How could this happen?!

The usual way.

Gloria, that's not what I mean.

Something like this is
not supposed to happen

unless you forgot
to take your pill.

Did you?

I didn't forget.

Then what?

Well, all I can figure is

you remember that party
we went to about a month ago

at Milt and Hilda's?

Go on.

You remember me telling
you on the way home

that at the party, Trudy and
I got in this big discussion

about this article she read on
The Pill and all its bad side effects.

You didn't take the pill!

You didn't take the pill!!

Michael, for one night.

I went right back on 'em the next
day after I talked to Dr. Shapiro.

Gloria, one night
is all it takes!

Why didn't you say
something to me?

I was half-asleep.

The half I was with
was wide awake!

Gloria, you knew.

You knew; you tricked me!

Ow, gee!

I didn't trick you!

Why didn't you stick to
your part of the agreement?

I would've stuck to my
part of the agreement

if you would've stuck
to your part of the bed!

Gloria! Gloria, just because
I want to show you my love,

that doesn't mean that you
have to go and get pregnant.

What do you mean, me?

Ow!

You think I can get
pregnant all by myself?

Ow!!

I'm tired of being the one that
has to take all of the precautions.

Ow!!

Why don't you do something
about it for a change?

Because it doesn't
work if I take the pill!

There are other methods!

[CHOKING SOUNDS]

Gloria, you know that you
hate male contraceptives

as much as I do.

Now I know it's not fair for the
woman to take all the precautions,

but that's the way things are.

You were born with all the
parts that need protection.

Yeah, because you were born with
all the parts we need protection from!

Let go of me!

What the hell is going on here?!

Now, I am sorry,
but I have had it.

I have no more
remembering to take the pill,

no IUD's, no nothing.

From now on, it is
up to you, buster.

Up to me?!

Yeah. If you're the
one that's so gung-ho

about not bringing
any more children

into this world, then
do something about it.

Get a vasectomy!

Ow!! That's it!

That's enough!

No more physical t*rture.

I'm not getting a vasectomy.

Hundreds of men get
vasectomies every day

right in the doctor's office.

It's as easy as one, two, three.

Snip, snip, snip.

[GROANS]

Please!!

Do you have to talk
about it like that?

You make it sound
like a manicure.

It's a little bit more
complicated than that.

Michael Kasamir
Stivic, you're a hypocrite.

After all the preaching
that you have done

about food supplies
and overpopulation,

you don't even
believe in vasectomies.

I believe in vasectomies!

Sure you do... for the
Chinese and the Indians

and the Pakistanis and the
Africans, but not for yourself.

Gloria, if we had
fourteen children

and we were living on some sampan
in the middle of Singapore Harbor,

I would say, yes, I
would get a vasectomy.

But somehow, here in the
middle of Queens, it... it...

[(WHIMPERS] I don't
want a vasectomy.

My father's right about you.

You are a phony,
bleeding heart liberal.

All right!

All right! All right!

That's it!

That's what you want,
you want a vasectomy,

you got a vasectomy!

I'm gonna call Dr. Marx right
now and make an appointment.

What am I doing?

Really?

Yes, really.

If surgery is the only way
to prove my love to you,

then so be it.

Gee, thanks, honey.

Yeah.

Yeah, hello, this
is Michael Stivic.

I would like to make an
appointment with Dr. Marx

to have a...
[(MUFFLED] vasectomy.

[LOUDLY] Vasectomy!

Oh!

No, no, that's all right.

There's no rush. Any time.

Next spring? That would be fine.

Could you make it
fall... Excuse me, honey.

Next spring is not fine.
What are you doin'?

This is Mrs. Stivic.

Gloria!!

No, I'm not his
mother. I'm his wife.

Gimme the phone!!

When is the soonest
the doctor could see him?

What... get...

You didn't tell me they
had a cancellation today.

Today? Certainly we'll take it.

No, we won't!

In an hour? An hour?!

That will be fine.
That's not fine.

Yes, see you then.

No, we won't see
you. Hello! Hello!

Damn it!

Isn't that wonderful? Ehh...

You can have it
done today and then

we'll never have to
worry about all this again.

Yeah, it's my lucky day.

Well, what are
you sitting here for?

Can't I rest a second? Honey,
you don't have a second.

They need to see you within
the hour. I gotta go now?

No, you don't have to go with
me. You want me to go with you?

I'll be fine. Oh,
yes, I'm a big boy,

I can take care of myself.

Wait a minute,
what are you doing?

What... what are you doing here?

Why don't you pin a note
to me while you're at it?

Are you sure you don't
want me to go with you?

Because you look
a little nervous.

I'm not nervous!
I'm fine, honey!

It's a simple operation!
Snip, snip, snip!

Ohh!

Come on, you gotta hurry.

And Michael... What?

I want to thank
you, and I love you.

Ohh! I love you too, honey!

I just hope that
after the operation

I'll still be able to prove it.

Ohh... good-bye! Hurry home!

See you later!


Hurry! You need to get going!

Oh, my...

Mr. Stivic, come on
in. Take off your jacket.

Right. How ya doin'?

Uh, where's the doctor?

I'm Dr. Dolby.

Uh, Dr. Dolby?
Yeah, call me Ted.

Ted. Where's Dr. Marx?

He's at the hospital this
week. I'm his associate.

Oh. Then you'll be performing
the operation instead of him?

Uh-huh. Unless that
makes you uptight.

No, no, I'm not uptight.

I guess it's just a sign
that you're getting older

when cops and doctors
are smaller than you.

I mean younger than you.

Or something.

That's real heavy.

Heavy. Heavy.

So, you want a vasectomy, huh?

Yeah, that's me, vasectomy.

Uh... you took that course, huh?

I teach it at NYU
Medical School.

Why don't you just hop up
here on the examination table?

Right now? Yeah, right here.

You want me to
hop right up here??

Yeah.

I'll just hop right over here.

We don't need this. Yeah, we do!

Oh, no.

[MUTTERING]

Just roll up your sleeve for me.

Yeah, sure.

What's the matter, you nervous?

No, no, not
nervous. I just, uh...

Yeah, I guess I am a little bit.

It's not every day
you go under the Kn*fe.

Especially not that far under.

There's nothin' to worry
about. Here's where it's at.

I know where it's at.

I wanna make
certain you understand

that this procedure is
generally irreversible.

Yeah, I understand that.

Doctor, I wanna
ask you something.

I've read a few
articles on vasectomies,

and they always say that it
doesn't affect the male's...

ya know... sexual performance.

Is that true?

Never slowed me down.

You had it done?

Right after my
daughter was born.

Your wife insisted on it?

I'm not married.

That's nice.

Mike, don't sweat it.

A lot of guys report an
increase in sexual activity

once the fear of
pregnancy's been eliminated.

Hey, something to
look forward to, huh?

I don't mean you're gonna wind
up in the Guinness Book of Records,

but see, after surgery,

some guys experience
some psychological problems.

But I think you're
gonna be cool.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah, I'll... I'll be cool.

Then what are we
waitin' for? Let's boogie!

Oh, we're gonna boogie.

Oh, my goodness. Right on.

We'll just have to undo this.

I can do it, I can do it.

Why don't you do
it? I'll do it. You...

Oh, just do it!

Help me! Oh, no!

Here we are.

Let me fill your cup.

Thanks, Ma.

I made a fresh pot.

Ugh.

What's the matter?

Somethin' wrong with the coffee?

Nothin'. I was drinkin' tea.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Here, I'll make you...
No, that's all right.

Ma...

Were things this complicated
when you had me?

Did I cause you to
worry about the ecology?

You know,
overpopulation, pollution?

Oh, no. You would
never have done that.

You was a good baby.

Ma, how come I'm an only child?

Well, after you was born,
there was some problems,

and the doctor said I better
not have no more babies.

Oh, Ma...

How come you never
told me that before?

I didn't want you to feel bad.

You mean that I didn't
have any brothers or sisters?

Yeah, and I didn't want you
to think that it was your fault,

'cause it wasn't.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

And we got another baby.

We got Joey!

And Archie couldn't be happier.

And now, maybe we'll
have a Patrick or a Patricia.

Ma, I did the right
thing, didn't I...

telling Michael to
have that operation?

You know what, Ma?

That's exactly the way I feel.

I'm gonna call
Dr. Marx's office right now

and call the whole thing off.

I mean, Michael and I
should go out to dinner first

and discuss it some more.

If we go out tonight,
will you watch Joey?

Oh, sure. I'd love to.

I'll go over now and
start Archie's dinner.

You just bring Joey
whenever you're ready.

Thanks, Ma.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dr. Shapiro.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Oh, well...

I guess the tests don't lie.

So... I'm not pregnant.

Oh, no. Actually,
I'm... quite relieved,

and I'm sure that
Michael will be, too.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, he's just come
home and I have... yeah.

Thank you.

Bye.

Gee, honey, I'm so
glad that you're home.

I'm so sorry about everything
turning into such a mess.

I think that you're the most
wonderful husband in the whole world,

and I love you.

I'm sorry. Did I
hurt you, honey?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Doesn't hurt. I feel fine.

Michael, that's horrible!
That's nothing to joke about.

Who's joking?

Stop it; it's not funny!

[NORMAL VOICE]
Gloria, I feel fine.

As a matter of
fact, I feel great.

For years, I've been sh**ting off
my mouth about population control;

I finally did
something about it.

I feel very proud of myself.

Well, I'm not very
proud of myself.

Um, Dr. Shapiro just telephoned.

And I'm not... pregnant.

Well...

Hey, honey, you
know, it doesn't matter.

Look, you're fine and I'm fine.

Everything is okay.

Yeah, but I made you do this.

I made you have an
operation that you didn't want.

Gloria, are you forgetting... we
both decided after we had Joey

that we didn't want to
have any more children.

So what's wrong with what I did?

Lots of things.

Like what if something
happened to me?

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

Michael, you have to face
the fact that something could.

What if you wanted
to marry again?

Gloria, after you, why would I
ever wanna get married again?

What does that mean?

Compliment, compliment.

I'm just trying to say that I
only want to be married to you.

What if I'm not around?

I mean, it has to have
crossed your mind.

I die, and then you
get married again,

and your new wife
wants to have your child

and she has a right to.

Don't tell me you've never
thought about that before.

All right, I have
thought about it.

See?!

Honey, honey, come on.

I'm not gonna plan
the rest of my life

on the possibility
of losing you.

Hey, hey, I'm glad
I did what I did,

'cause I'm betting
on my life with you.

That's what's important to me.

That's what I care
about... My life with you.

You really mean that?

I really mean that.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Well, how
about dinner? I'm starved!

Do we have any of that
meatloaf left over from yesterday?

It sure was good!

♪♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.
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