07x21 - Mike the Pacifist

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[WHISTLING]

[GRUNTS]

Close the door!

Learn who goes first, will ya?

You dragged us through
three cars already.

What're you looking
for, a room with a view?

You gotta be careful
when you're selecting a seat

on the subway, Meathead.

You don't wanna sit back there,

there was a g*ng w*r
going on in the third car back!

What... what g*ng w*r?
There were three kids

fighting for a
strap to hold on to.

If you went back there now,

I bet you'd see the little one

hanging from that strap.

And what about the
flasher in this last car, huh?

The guy had a broken zipper.

Sure.

It was all wore out
playing showtime.

This car looks fine,
I'm sitting down.

No, no, no, don't
do that, don't do that!

Come with me, come with
me. What is the matter?

Don't you know a "prevert"
when you see one?

What makes you
think he's a pervert?

Would you say he was a pimp? No.

Would you say he
was a mugger? No.

Would you say he was
a pusher? No, Daddy.

Then there's nothing
left but "prevert."

Why can't he just be a
normal human being?

'Cause he's riding the subway.

We're riding the subway.

But we know what we are.

Maybe he thinks
you're the "prevert."

I'm sure he does.

All "preverts" think
I'm a "prevert."

What do you wanna do, run
a security check on this car?

Come on, come on. Can we
find a seat, please, somewhere?

There's a wino down here
slopped over four seats.

We'll get them.

Hey, why don't you
take the single seat

on the other side
of the car there?

I don't wanna, fatso.

See, winos always call
me "fatso," they see double.

Now, wino, if you don't
get your butt out of this seat,

I'm gonna lift it outta
there with my foot!

Arch, Arch, take
it easy, will ya?

We ain't got no seats!
There's three seats over there.

There's no seats there.
There are three right over there.

There's three seats over there,

and it's lucky for you.
Coulda took a belt at you.

I oughta belt you for general
principles. Daddy, sit down.

Come on. You're
so mean to people,

calling him a wino.

Well, what'd you
expect me to call him?

He is a wino.

You're a wino, ain't you?

Yeah.

Why can't you be nice?

Why does your first instinct
always have to be v*olence?

I'm only human, Meathead.

And to be human
is to be violent.

Archie, you just can't
go around belting people.

The man over there is sick.

What if he was in a wheelchair?

Would you belt him if
he was in a wheelchair?

It's a stupid question.

If he was in a wheelchair,
who the hell wants his seat?

Besides, it's bad luck
to sit in a wheelchair.

Where did you ever hear it was
bad luck to sit in a wheelchair?

If you don't believe me,
ask any guy in a wheelchair.

Look, all I know is there's
no excuse for hitting people.

What do you know
about anything, huh?

You only ride the
buses there all the time.

I ride these subways.
Sheesh, the subway.

You know, New York is
the only city in the world

that has a Skid Row
that moves all over town.

I'm riding it all the time,

and on my day off,
youse two have to drag me

to see a house way
up the end of the world.

The Bronx is not
the end of the world.

Oh, jeez.

Well, it smells like
the end of something.

Who asked you to come with us?

I had to come with youse
to keep an eye on youse.

A couple of dopes like
you might make a mistake.

What do you want
another house for, anyway?

You got a perfectly good
house, right alongside of me.

Why would you wanna move?

See, you can't
answer that question.

Stay put, huh?

Now last year about this time,

the two of you was thinking
about moving to Minnesota.

And then this year, you
wanna move up to the Bronx,

which is ten times worse!

What's wrong with the Bronx?

"What's wrong with the Bronx?"

Don't you know why
they call it "the Bronx"?

'Cause it ain't fit to live in.

They call it the Bronx

because it was named
after a Scandinavian settler,

Jonas Bronck.

Well, that ain't
the way I heard it.

I heard that "Bronx" was
an old Indian word that meant

"Hey Chief, look,
the trees is dead."

Daddy, you just don't like
the idea of us living there

because you'd have to take
the subway to come see us.

I ain't thinking about
myself, Little Girl.

I'm thinking about
your poor mother.

Every time she'd wanna see Joey,

have to take more
than an hour's trip

way up to the Bronx there
to see him on this thing here.

Between the gropers
and the flasher,

by the time she'd get there,

she'd be a woman of the world.

It doesn't make any
difference anyway,

because we can't
afford the down payment.

That's right.

[BRAKES GRINDING]

Hey, how come we're not moving?

We ain't moving
because the train stopped.

In the tunnel, it
always does that.

I wonder what's wrong.

I'll tell you what's
wrong, sister.

There's something wrong
with this whole stinking,

rotten, maggot-infested,
corrupt system,

which sucks the lifeblood out of the
honest sweat of oppressed workers.

[MUTTERING]

This is the third time we've
been stopped this morning.

But you see, that's what happens

when the money-grubbing
fascists control the power,

choking off the
life-blood of the people!

Well, you brung that
on yourself, Little Girl.

Don't never talk
communism in public.

What'd I say that was communism?

You said something
was wrong, didn't you?

Oh, we're moving again.

Oh, what a dumbbell I am.

Give up my Sunday to
go all the way up there

to look at a house that youse
can't afford to buy anyhow.

Cute little house though,
wasn't it, honey? Yeah, yeah.

Something you never see, too,

a fireplace right
in the bedroom.

Hey, that would be cozy on
cold winter nights, huh? Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on, don't
be mouth-kissing on a moving train.

That's dangerous, after
what I paid for her teeth!

What're you sitting
over there for?

Get away from me, Howard. I don't
wanna sit near you, I don't wanna know you.

Please don't make
a scene in public.

Hey, do you mind? What's
your name? Howard?

Get the flowers outta my face.

Come on, this is a
subway car, it ain't a hearse.

Mister, these flowers
are for my mother.

Oh, well, you got my sympathies.

Ah, she's alive.

Give me the sympathies.

Will you shut up?

No.

[COUGHS]

Your husband's gassed, ain't he?

Oh, you noticed.

I am not gassed.

You're gassed!

[(BOTH WHISPERING]
Michael. Ignore them.

He says he ain't gassed. I
can smell it from over here.

His breath is strong enough to turn
over a windmill on a can of Dutch Cleanser.

Where did you get
that breath of yours?

Oh, not where he got his.

I ate a frankfurter.

[BURPS] Up in the Bronx.

'Scuse me, would you
mind moving over a little?

Come... oh, come on,
move, what's taking you...

Hey, that's my newspaper!

Oh, I don't know that.

Hey listen, remember,

when we get to
my mother's house,

don't talk.

She hates your voice.

You know what I hate
about your mother?

Her son.

Oh, I got it, you're
talking about me.

Well, you're her
only son. Figure it out.

Listen, my mother
was good enough

to invite us over for dinner.

So you're gonna go,
you're gonna be nice to her,

and you're gonna eat.

Who can eat?

She keeps taking her teeth out

and rinsing them in her seltzer.

You keep on talking like that,

and you'll be able
to do the same thing.

[BOTH WHISPERING] I
don't believe this. Ignore them.

A lot of old ladies rinse their
teeth in anything that's handy.

Can't we move?

What do you wanna move for?

This is gonna be fun here.

This is what you
call on your airplanes

your "middle of the
flight" entertainment.

Oh, we stopped again.

I hate it when the
train stops in the tunnel.

It's like a little taste of
death while you're still living.

We'll all be tasting death
as long as we are trapped

by the international
banking czars

and their lackeys,
the oil-rich sheikhs.

Well, he's better than
the "hairy" Krishnas,

howling and
playing "tangerines."

Ah, here's the conductor now.

Hey, conductor there,
this here train is stopped.

Yeah. It's like a
bad dream, ain't it?

Uh, how long are we
gonna be stuck here?

We may have to wait a while.

Well, what are we waiting for?

For somebody to loan
New York more money.

Oh.

Leave that alone.
Gimme your purse!

What do you want it
for? Gimme your purse!

What'd you do with my bottle?

I threw it away.

What?!

She threw his booze away.

Where?

That's terrible!

We'll get you their address.

We're gonna get
off at the next stop

and we're going to
the first liquor store.

The liquor stores
are closed on Sunday.

Your liver could use a day off.

Your head could use
another sh*t with the flowers.

[BOTH WHISPERING] I
can't stand this. Ignore them!

Can't we move? 'Cause
somebody's gonna get hurt.

Well, it ain't gonna be us.

Meantime, we'll
have lots of laughs

till we change trains
at Grand Central.

For your mother,
you get flowers.

For me, nothing.

Flowers, you want?

Here's flowers.

Some people are
allergic, you know!

My knight in shining armor.

Staggers home every night
and passes out on the couch.

Can't even make
it to the bedroom.

Well, booze blinds
the angel of sex.

Maybe the couch is
a hell of a lot warmer

than sleeping with you!

I'd say you're hard
to please, buddy.

She ain't half bad.

Then why don't you spend
all your nights on the couch?

You're just as useful
there are you are in bed.

Now there's a
kick in the "groan."

What did you say?

She said you're
a busted balloon.

Listen, I don't have to take
any more of this from you.

Marcia, remember all
the days I used to say

that some day, some day
I'm gonna k*ll you? Yeah?

Well, today is the day!

I'm gonna k*ll you!
I've had it with you!

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

Help her! [YELLING CONTINUES]

[YELLING]

Honey, get off him!

Michael, what happened?!

I hit him!

It's the first time my
life I ever hit anybody!

Oh, my God, you k*lled him!

MARCIA: You k*lled him!

MARCIA: You k*lled him!

Howard, speak to
me! I didn't mean to...

I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!

All ya done was belt
him. I didn't mean it.

He's not waking up! He's dead!

Ah, he's better off
dead than being under

the oppressive yoke
of capitalistic tyranny!

A lowly puppet,

his strings being
manipulated by Wall Street!

Well, you shut up?!

What did I do?

All you done was belt him.

Wait a minute... I
think his eye twitched.

Elevate his head! Nah,
don't elevate his head,

he'll swallow his tongue.
Gotta elevate the feet. Feet!

No, elevate his head!

Here, wrap him up so
he won't go into shock.

I'll loosen his belt
so he can breathe.

Thank you.

What about mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation?

Do that.

I can't... my
bridgework is loose.

I know how to do that!

He don't need fumes!
Get away from him, wino!

No! You said you were gonna
loosen his belt, not lift his wallet!

It just fell on the floor!

I was only trying to protect it.

Did you see that?

He's not a "prevert,"
he's a pick-pocket!

He's a "prevert"
turned pick-pocket.

WOMAN: Howard, please, please,

I'm sorry, please come to!

Gloria, I... Will
somebody do something!?

Gloria, I didn't mean it!

All youse done was belt him!

Don't worry,
Michael, he'll be okay.

I think he needs a doctor!

Yeah, is there a doctor here?

We need a doctor! Is
there a doctor in this car?

In this car there's bound
to be a bunch of 'em.

What do you want,
a brain surgeon?

A "rearologist" or what?

Maybe a nurse or a veterinarian,

a pharmacist?

A pharmacist?
Howie is a pharmacist!

God, what did I do?

All ya done was belt him.

He's gonna be all right,
Michael, he's breathing.

Now maybe there's a
doctor in another car.

Let's go look
for one. All right.

Should he really leave
the scene of the crime?

I mean no offense,
but you are a m*rder*r.

I'm not a m*rder*r!

All ya done was belt him.

What about
artificial respiration?

Can you do that?

No.

Will you shut up?

I'll do it, I'll do it! No!

You get away from him!

Don't you push my husband!

Oh, she got me in the
in-grown, in the in-grown!

[YELLING]

I'm gonna go get a doctor!

You don't have to look
in another car! Shh!

My husband here is a doctor.

Shut up, Clarice!
I will not shut up!

Get over there
and help that man!

Pay no attention to this
woman, she's totally insane.

I'm taking her to Bellvue.

Wait a sec, mister, hold on!

If you're a doctor, you
gotta help him. He's hurt!

How do you know he's
hurt? Are you a doctor?

You coward! What
if I were lying there?

You'll find out when it happens.

Wait a second! You
took the Hippocratic Oath!

I also took an oath to
my insurance company.

I pay , a year for
malpractice coverage.

If I touch this guy and
something goes wrong,

I'll be emptying bed
pans at the free clinic.

Come on, Clarice.

Who needs you anyway?

You couldn't be a good doctor

if you're down here
riding the subway.

All the good doctors
are up in the fresh air

riding around in
Lincoln "Contirentals."

If you're gonna leave,
at least tell us what to do!

All right!

Get him to a doctor.

Let's hear it for the medical
profession, Little Girl.

[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES]

Howard, Howard, I'm so sorry.

MARCIA: I'm
sorry for everything.

Huh, now she's sorry.

False grief.

Look, look, he's moving!

He's coming to! Oh, thank God!

Come on, honey, sit
down. See, it's all over now.

It's not all over, I
att*cked a man!

All ya did was belt him.

Here, take your coat. Thanks.

Can you please sit back
and give him some air?

In a subway? I
happen to be a lawyer.

I saw the whole thing and I
think you got a terrific law suit.

as*ault and battery
with intent to k*ll.

It's a lead pipe cinch.

Thank you, but my brother
Norman happens to be a lawyer.

He'll handle this
for us, so get lost.

Look, I saw the whole thing,

and I think you
got a terrific case.

This is a perfect
example of self-defense.

It's a lead pipe cinch.

Get outta here, will you?

No one's grateful
for help these days.

Let's hear it for the legal
profession, Little Girl.

[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES]

Hey, fella, you,

This is gonna be the
sorriest day you ever had!

HOWARD: Gonna haul you in court
and sue you for every cent you got.

I'm seriously injured!

I got blurred vision,
a low back ache,

and a throbbing
pain in my skull!

[SHOUTING] And whiplash!

And an ear ache.

You wanna sue me,
go ahead and sue me

I don't care, I deserve it.

Take my money, take
my house, take everything.

Hey, right on,
brother! Give it all up!

The more you possess,
the more you are possessed,

while the wretched of the earth

have to scrounge for
a meager existence!

[ALL] Shut up!

You can't sue us.

A whole carload of people

saw you try and
strangle your wife.

That's right, that's
right, strangling.

You know, I guess they
don't mind that up in Boston,

but this is New York.

And I oughta tell
ya something else.

I'm gonna pay a
visit to my attorneys

first thing tomorrow morning.

And wait'll you see them guys.

They are seven savage Jews that
won't leave a scrap on your bones.

You can go ahead
and try and sue,

but we got at least
witnesses here

who'll testify that
you were drunk,

you were strangling your
wife, you threw me up...

All right, all right!
We don't sue.

Let's forget the whole thing.

Forget the whole thing, huh?

Yeah, just sweep
everything under the carpet.

That solves
everything, doesn't it?

He said forget it.

Leave it alone.
Yeah, leave it alone.

Gloria, don't you understand?

All my life, I believed
in non-v*olence.

I've marched in peace protests.

I've signed petitions
against captial punishment.

Now I hit a man!

So you done good!

I can hardly wait to tell all
the g*ng down at Kelsey's.

Which, some of them
guys I have to tell you,

to this very day
figure you for a fruit.

Daddy, please.

Michael, you hit him
because you had to defend me.

Gloria, that's not the point!

It wouldn't make any difference

if I were defending
you or the flag

or Kate Smith singing
God Bless America.

The fact is, I hit a man!

To save me!

Michael, aren't you
overdoing it a bit?

Gloria, I put a freakshow
on for these people!

All ya done was belt him.

Now, when everybody
leaves this train,

they'll all have a
great story to tell.

They'll all be sitting
around at dinner,

telling their family
and their friends

how this one guy smacked
another guy in the face,

how his head snapped
back and his knees buckled.

I gave 'em a Charles Bronson and a
Clint Eastwood movie rolled into one!

The only thing missing was
the hot buttered popcorn!

Michael, don't go on about this!

Okay, so you're a peaceful man,

so you hate v*olence...
[SHOUTING] Gloria!

When my fist hit
the man's face, I...

I didn't hate it.

'Course you didn't hate it!

You're supposed to feel good!

I did, damn it!

That's what scares me.

What, are you scared
of being human?

Huh?

Like I told you before,

'tis human to be violent.

Listen, I could take you
all the way back to the Bible

to prove that to you.

Back to the Book
of "Ecclesiasticals."

Mark : . or something.

Talking about the
gifts to all humanity,

and of these is faith,
hope and charity,

and of these, the
greatest is v*olence.

You don't follow that.

Well, anyway, I hope
you learn a lesson

from all of this here today.

It's a lesson you
shoulda learned long ago.

Are you listening
to this too? Yeah!

And it's this.

Don't never, never go looking
for a house in the Bronx.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.