07x22 - Fire

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All in the Family". Aired: January 12, 1971 - April 8, 1979.*
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Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
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07x22 - Fire

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

Archie.

Archie.

Archie, wake up!

Archie!

Oh, would you leave me alone?

I was right in the middle
of a beautiful dream.

I was singin' with
Tommy Dorsey's band.

Let me get back.

No, wake up!

Don't hit me! Wake up!

All right, all right!

I-I smell something.

Is it me?

Oh... no.

Well, then don't bother me!

I-I smell... I smell
somethin' awful.

It's only New York, Edith.

No, it's comi" from the hall.

[GASPS]

[COUGHS]

[COUGHING] Archie!

Archie, wake up!

There's a fire in the bathroom!

- Quick, get up, Archie!
- [ARCHIE GRUMBLES]

Come on, quick!

Oh, Arch, now, get up!

Get up, Archie!

Get up!

- There's a fire
in the bathroom!
- [ARCHIE GRUMBLES]

- It's full of smoke!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Come on, Archie, please!

- Get up! Come on!
- [ARCHIE GRUMBLING]

- Get up, Archie!
- No, don't pull me. Don't pull me.

- Fire.
- [ARCHIE MUMBLES]

No! Oh, Archie! Come here!

- Come here!
- [ARCHIE MUMBLING]

No, no, don't go
to sleep, dammit!

- Edith, don't
hit me no more.
- Quick, Archie!

- ARCHIE: Come on...
- There's a fire!

There's no fire in
the bathroom, Edith!

Holy cow! What a fire!

Oh! Oh, Teresa!

[KNOCKING] Wake up! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

We've got a fire.
Yell for water.

Water! Water! [BANGING]

- TERESA: Is everybody okay?
- What the hell's going on,
anyway, Edith?

- There's a fire
in the bathroom!
- [YELLING IN SPANISH]

- It's full of smoke. No, don't go in.
- [ALL YELLING]

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Stifle, you. Stifle-ito, you.

Oh, I know just what
we gotta do, Edith.

Yeah, we'll call
the fire department!

- I was gonna say that.
- Hurry! Quick!

[ALL YELLING]

Go on, do it! Get on the phone.

Call the fire
department, will you?

EDITH: Fire, fire...

- What are you
jumping around about?
- Oh, I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous!

Well, you just better hold it,

because the bathroom
ain't in service,

and it's all your fault.

It's my fault?

Yes, yes, you blew
out the electricity.

What was ya doing, frica-stewin'
a chicken on a hot plate?

No!

I fixed the fuse that
you blew before dinner.

You must've did
something else there.

Hurry up, Edith.
Hurry up there, will ya?

- [STAMMERING]
- Don't wave your finger
up in the air.

Stick it in the holes here.

- Dial - - .
- No! - - !

That's what I said! Forget it.

Go on upstairs and
get dressed, will ya?

When the men come here,

I want them gazin'
at the fire in the can,

not the fire in
your Spanish eyes.

[CLAPS] Oh, my guitar!

- Your what?
- My guitar!

Oh, guitar. If it wasn't
for you wakin' up,

we'd all be playing
harps around here.

EDITH: Operator! Operator!

This is Edith
Bunker! We're on fire!

Better get your coat
on. Here, give me your...

We ain't on fire. It's
our house that's on fire.

Put it in the other
hand, will ya, Edith?

Well, not the whole
house. Just one room.

EDITH: The bathroom!

Hauser Street.

Yeah, yeah. It's easy to find!

You just go down
Northern Boulevard East,

and then you... you turn right

at the Rexall Drugstore.

All right, don't keep
yappin' at them.

You'll make them so nervous

they'll jump for the
fire poles and miss.

- EDITH: All right.
- Give me the telephone. I wanna call.

- I'll see ya soon! Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah, come on, hurry up.

- Get off of the phone.
- I guess we'd better
get our clothes!

Never mind that, Edith.

There ain't no clothes up
there that I wanna save.

Oh, what about
your Army uniform?

I was only a
Private. Let it burn.

Oh, well, I'm gonna
get my wedding dress!

Wait a minute. You wanna die?

My grandmother's brooch!

Y-You wanna die, Edith?

And our family picture albums!

If you find the album, Edith,

throw it at the fire.

Oh!

If you really wanna risk
your life for something,

money, top of the
closet on the shelf there...

My secret cigar box I
never told you about

with $ in it.

!

Hello?

Uh, h-hello, Meathead.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I
know you was in bed.

Where else?

Just put off what you
was doing, will ya?

Get your pajamas
on and get over here.

My house is on fire!

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Who the hell is that?

MAN: It's Barney, Arch!

Ol' Barney Hefner, huh?

Your dog k*lled my
peonies today, Barney.

What do you want now?

Hey, Arch, there's
a lot of smoke

coming out of your bathroom.

What's going on?

The bathroom's on fire.

Oh, gee! Fire,
fire! Everybody up!

Come on out! Fire! Fire!

- We know that, Barney.
- Oh, yeah?

And the wind from your lungs

will fan the flames

all the way up to
Long Island City.

Will you help me save
some of the furniture, huh?

- Sure, sure, Arch.
- All right.

Now, listen, grab that...

Uh, Barney, let's work
on the same item, huh?

- Get my chair,
first of all.
- [GRUNTS]

Now, g-go easy. It's
into my "groan" here.

Yeah, all right.

Take it easy!

[YELLING]

ARCHIE: All right,
come on, come on!

Wait a minute,
Archie. I'll help you!

Here you go.

[GROANS]

Come on, now! Don't got all day.

- ARCHIE: Just put it
down on the lawn...
- All right, Arch.

- [DOG BARKS]
- Hey, Barney, your dog's
out here on our lawn.

ARCHIE: He's
jumping all over my leg.

BARNEY: Well,
he's a little excited.

Well, tell him I ain't
another mutt, will ya?

[DOG BARKING]

What are you doing
now? What is this here?

Oh, that's my picture
of Wayne Newton.

I ain't talking about that.
I'm talking about this.

Oh, that's my patron
saint Teresa de la Rosa.

And you wonder
why we had a fire.

Don't you know it's bad luck

to keep "icrons" in
a Christian home?

Well, if she started
the fire, I'm sorry.

- [CRYING]
- "Sorry" don't help
the fire, Teresa.

Miss Old Leary's cow was sorry,

but Cleveland b*rned anyway.

Is everybody all right?

Oh, Teresa and your
mother-in-law are all right.

I'm suffering a little bit
from smoke "exhilaration."

- Where's the fire?
- [GLORIA PANTING]

The fire is up in the can.

Hey, Arch. Arch, maybe
if I get the garden hose,

it'll reach up to
the second floor.

You know what I think you
ought to do? Get the garden hose.

I think it'll reach up
to the second floor.

Right. I'll get your ladder.

Don't do nothin' before
you get my ladder.

You can't work without that.

- Go ahead.
- Good thinking.

[CRYING] Ma!

Oh, Gloria!

Ma!

- Our home is burning!
- [BOTH CRYING]

- Barney, come on
in here, will ya?
- Yeah, be right in.

Well, let's move
some of this stuff.

- [GRUNTS] Jeez, grab that, will ya?
- Oh, yeah.

- I'll take this.
- All right.

- [CRYING]
- Help me save things
that are important!

[BAWLING]

Auntie Alda's napkin rings!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, that
was a weddin' present!

[CONTINUES CRYING] Oh, Ma!

Don't forget my
bronze baby booties!

Oh, yeah! They're
right over here!

Ma! Look what you almost forgot!

Your trading stamps!

Oh, I'm three books away
from a dice-and-slicer!

Oh, Ma! Look, the camel!

- Don't forget the camel!
- Oh, my camel!

I don't want my camel to burn!

Ma, the elephant!

Oh, my elephant! I don't
want my elephant to burn!

Ma, the pink swan!

Oh, my pink swan!

I don't want my
pink swan to burn!

Oh, Ma!

Don't forget my baby dish

with Brownie the
Clownie on the bottom!

Oh, yeah! [MUTTERS]

And my Tupperware
certificate of merit!

I think that's okay if it burns.

Come on, you women! You gotta
desert the place and promise...

Where the hell is your mother?

She's saving Brownie
the Clownie in the kitchen.

Oh, jeez, now I can face
the worst knowing that.

Oh, look, I got
Brownie the Clownie!

- Oh, wait a minute!
- Where you goin' now?

- Grab the TV trays!
- Never mind the TV trays.

Edith, come on!
Let's get out of here.

- What are you doin' now?
- Oh, my parrot!

No, we don't want
that parrot, Edith!

- And our pictures!
- Please. Oh, come on, come on.

- Pictures, pictures!
- Out, out, Edith.

Come on. Let's go!

There's my panther,
my beautiful panther!

I thought you'd leave a few
of these things for the looters!

Oh, come on!

Hurry or you'll burn!

Come on, get out of here!

- Barney, come here. Come here.
- Yeah. Yeah, Arch.

Listen, in... In your
opinion, Barney,

exactly how much time
does it take for an upstairs fire

to get downstairs?

Oh, not long, Arch.

- Then we ain't
got much time.
- Right.

- Grab that sofa.
- Okay.

Okay. Jeez, it's awful
heavy here, Barney.

- Watch it, watch it.
- All right.

- [GROANS]
- Oh, jeez. Oh, Barney.

[BOTH GROANING]

Barney. Oh, wait. Put it
down. Down, down, Barney.

Oh, my God.

- Barney.
- Yeah?

Do you think this'll burn?

No, Arch. It's too heavy.

- ARCHIE: Come on!
- EDITH: Archie,
don't forget the sofa!

- [BOTH GROAN]
- ARCHIE: Jeez!

I don't think it's gonna
fit through the door, Arch.

Well, Barney, how
did it get in here?

It wasn't born here.

Come on, get it out, Barney.

Now, don't go too fast.
Don't push me off the porch.

- I don't wanna go off
the porch, Barney.
- [DOG BARKING]

ARCHIE: I mopped
the porch finally!

[ARCHIE GROANS]

Barney, your dog is hoisting
his hind leg at me now.

BARNEY: Down! Cut it out, Sam!

Save it for the fire!

I gotta get the rest
of the stuff here.

Okay, what do we
got? What do we got?

Well, we got the
buffet over there.

Telephone stand here.

Dining room table and chairs.

What the hell am I talking
about? My television set.

- Grab that right now.
- Wait. Wait a minute, Arch.

Wait a minute. It just hit me.

You got fire
insurance, ain't ya?

Why, certainly.

I pay very heavy
semi-annual premiums

four times a year.

What are we knocking
ourselves out for?

If all this furniture
gets ruined,

you get new furniture for free.

Eeh...

You mean the insurance... Ah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Hey, Barney.

Yeah?

- You know what
we gotta do?
- No.

- All the furniture we
carried out of there...
- Yeah?

- We gotta get that
back in here!
- [SIRENS BLARING OUTSIDE]

Wait. Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, Arch!

- [SIRENS BLARING]
- You hear that?

The firemen are here
already. We ain't got time.

Well, how the hell am I
gonna collect on all that junk

unless we get it
in where the fire is?

Yeah, but the
fire's still up there!

But you think it's
coming down here!

- Well, look...
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

And that's what he thinks, too.

Is this Hauser Street?

Yes, it is!

ARCHIE: Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

- Is this
Hauser Street?
- Yes, it is!

FIREMAN: All right,
you guys, come on!

Come on, you guys! Get in here!

Rosenbloom, what are you doing?!

I'm cuttin' my way in.

The door is open!

Oh... then this is a shame!

Arch, it's all over.

- What is all over?
- I put out the fire.

- Oh, gee, why'd you do that?
- Well, that's good to hear. Thank you.

- All right, you guys,
wrap it up, come on!
- Wait a minute!

Hey, listen! Don't you
think you ought to leave

Rosenbloom here with the a*,

'cause after a fire, there's
a lot of smolderin' stuff left

that ought to be chopped up!

The fire's out.

Do you know how to swim?

Yeah.

Then why don't you
take a runnin' jump

into the middle of Lake Polack?

♪ We're in the money,
insurance money ♪

♪ They'll have a lot of
what it takes to get along ♪

♪ Boom boom boom boom ♪

♪ We're in the money... ♪

What?

What are you doing?

Did you ever hear
of smoke damage?

Did you ever hear of fraud?

Did you ever hear
of gettin' lucky?

Did you ever hear
of going to jail?

Did you ever hear of shut up?

MIKE: You can't do this!

Certainly I can do it.

It ain't as though I do
it every day, is it, huh?

This is a one-sh*t-
in-a-lifetime chance

to do something for the
house or do it for Edith.

Can't you get behind
me for nothing at all?!

- Jeez!
- Oh.

Look at this joint.
It's a ratty place.

We're gonna help it there.

Look at these
curtains over here!

Oh, no, no. Arch, don't do that.

I'm only smokin' 'em up.

They look like they've been
through a disaster, anyway.

Look at all the wallpaper here.

Now I'm gonna get
Edith new wallpaper.

She's been asking for
it for years, that's all.

Arch, the insurance company

is not gonna pay for all this!

Ah, you don't know
nothin' about it.

The fire was up in the bathroom!

They're not gonna pay
for anything down here!

Would you shut up and listen?

Insurance companies don't care

if you pump up
your claim a little bit.

They just turn around, they
pump up everybody's premiums.

Oh! Oh!

So, because they cheated you,

you feel justified
in cheating them?

Well, that follows, don't it?

How do you sleep at night?

Well, usually I
start on my back,

I turn over on my
belly a couple of times.

This time next week I'll
be doin' it in a new bed.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Ah, come on, will ya? Gee.

So, it's a little bit dishonest.

What the hell, Christmastime I'll
give the church an extra buck, heh?

Listen, insurance
is the big racket!

They're the ones that
scare people half to death,

tellin' 'em about
all the tragedies

that can happen to
their lives, you know.

Hurricanes blow
down a house there.

Floods sweepin'
all the loved ones

upstream to the sea.

Volcanoes eruptin' hot
lava all over ya, you know?

And you pay all them
disaster premiums

, , years, see.

And then suddenly
you do something...

Well, like you, for instance...

You, on a Sunday afternoon,

could be up in the
Museum of Natural History,


you know, driftin' around

with the rest of
the dopes up there.

And one of them big stuffed
dinosaurs fall over on ya.

Crush the life out of ya.

And Gloria wouldn't
collect nothin'.

'Cause the one
insurance you ain't got

is "dinosaur insurance."

So, don't tell me
nothin' about insurance!

- [DOORBELL BUZZES]
- I'll get it.

- I'll get that. I'll get that.
- EDITH: I'll get that!

- It's probably the insur...
- [CHATTERING]

Oh, my! What
happened to this room?

I'll explain the
whole thing later.

- I'll explain when this guy...
- [DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'll be with you in a minute!

But for now, remember this, see.

Be like them three monkeys.

Speak no evil...

hear no evil, and see no evil.

Keep that straight,
huh? Keep that straight.

All right, now...
[CLEARS THROAT]

All right.

Ah, hello! Are you Mr. Bunker?

Ah, yeah, I am the
misfortunate here. Yeah. Yeah.

Ah! My name is Ligway.

I'm your insurance adjuster.

Oh, well, come right
in then, come right in.

Oh, this is my, uh,
son-in-law, Mike Stivic here.

- Ah.
- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, he's leavin' fast.
- Yeah. Good-bye.

Ask him if he sells any
"dinosaur insurance."

See you next August, buddy.

Uh, you're lookin'
at my wife here.

And how do you do?

Yeah, "how do you do" is
about all she can say to you here

because she, uh, caught a
touch of "laryngosis" in the smoke.

Yeah.

Well, can I take your coat?

Oh! Well, thank you.

Yeah, well, you can see everything
for yourself there, Mr. Gilway...

- Ligway.
- Whatever.

Just, uh, look around.

You can see all the
smoke damage over there.

Ruined curtains
there, ruined wallpaper.

And, oh! Look
what the firemen did.

- Archie...
- [MUTTERS]

Busted through the
window, you know.

Yeah. Oh, I tell
ya. It's a shame.

It really is a pity
what a nasty fire

can do to a lovely home.

Hey, look, you know, you
work hard all your life, see,

and you save up your dollars

to fill your home with, uh,
the most latest antiques.

Along comes a
fire like this and...

[SNAPS] everything gone.

Well, that's why I'm here
right now, Mr. Bunker,

because that is what
insurance is all about.

Hey, I always said,
"Insurance is the backbone

upon which this
nation sits down upon."

Well put.

You probably wanna
look at the bathroom.

Go right up there. Only
don't flush anything up there.

'Cause whatever
you flush up there

will come right down here.

No, we have the preliminary
report from the fire department.

You're gonna get a
whole new bathroom.

Oh, hey, Edith. Ain't that nice?

- A whole new bathroom.
- Yeah, but I don't under...

Well, I'll tell ya...

I think you're gonna be into us

for a pretty sizable amount.

Well, you know, it could've
been a couple sizes bigger,

only I fixed the fuse.

Oh, you fixed the fuse?

Yeah, yeah. Teresa blew that.

Oh. Who's, uh, Teresa?

Oh, yeah, you
didn't see her yet.

Well, she's our boarder.

It's a Puerto Rican
girl, you know,

and electricity's awful
new to them people.

Ah, gee, Mr. Bunker,
could I, uh...

Could I take a look
at that fuse box?

You certainly can, sir. Just
step right over this way here.

You go, uh, right down
the cellar through that door.

Take the steps down.

The fuse box is
on the other side

of a pile of junk of
bottles down there.

Watch the hot pipe.
It'll burn your knees.

♪ We're in the money... ♪

Now, Archie, I don't think
you should've told him

that Teresa started the fire.

Edith, you don't understand
about insurance claim.

In order to collect on a claim,

you gotta claim that somebody
done something, huh?

But it was an accident.

Certainly it was an accident.

Otherwise you can't collect.

I ain't saying the
girl did it on purpose.

She ain't a fire bug.

She ain't like your Emperor
"n*gro" fiddled while Rome b*rned.

Well, Mr. Bunker, I think we
can start talkin' business now.

Oh, oh, that's terrific.

So, you looked everything over,

and so it's gonna
come to how much?

Uh... nothing.

Uh, w-w-wait a
minute. Wait, wait, wait.

You didn't say "nothing."

Oh, yes! Nothing.

But Mr. Ligway,

the fire b*rned our
whole bathroom.

- LIGWAY: Yeah.
- There's no toilet
up there!

What are we supposed to
do for the rest of our lives?

Run down to the Texaco station?

We ain't never missed
paying a premium

for years.

What the hell's the use of a
guy carrying fire insurance?

Well, all I can suggest is
that you read your policy.

All we are liable for is the
damage done by the fire.

LIGWAY: Now, we're not liable
for any of the damage done here.

This was all done
by the firemen.

Well, the firemen didn't do...

The monkeys, the monkeys, Edith.

Uh, well...

Jeez, I didn't know nothin'
about that firemen stuff there,

but I'll tell you what I'll do.

Listen, I-I'll take
the fall for all of this,

but listen, the fire...

The fire b*rned that bathroom.

Oh, yes. Yes, that's...
That's very true.

But you see, there is
evidence, Mr. Bunker,

that you may have
committed a fraudulent act.

Not since I was a
kid in the bathroom.

No, you see, Mr. Bunker,

what I mean to say is that
there is strong evidence

that you may have
started this fire.

- ARCHIE: No, I didn't!
- But Mr. Ligway!

How could he? He
was in bed with me.

And all we was doin'
was sleeping there.

Tell him, Edith.

I was asleep, and I woke up,

and I smelled smoke.

And this is what caused it.

This fuse.

Bunker, you didn't replace it.

You stuck a penny in it.

Well, it got the lights goin'.

It certainly did.

And that penny caused
the overloaded circuits

to start the fire.

Eh, Bunker, Bunker...

we're both men
of the world here.

Why should we go through
a lengthy litigation, huh?

[MUTTERS]

Well, no, no, no. We don't
want n-nothing like that.

I mean, that's almost as bad as
dragging through the courts, ain't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Bunker, sit down.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I think I can talk...

I think I can talk my company
into making a settlement right now.

Tell me, uh, what kind of
a figure do you think is fair?

Oh, fair! Listen, fair is all
I... I ever wanted, you know.

And I figure the figure that
would be fair... about $ , .

B-but a man-of-the-world figure
would be closer to, let's say, $ , .

$ .

$ ?!

You think I just
drove in from Jersey

in a pick-up truck?

, .

.

, .

- I'll take that.
- I didn't offer it.

, .

.

, .

$ , , Mr. Bunker,

is all my company will go

without investigating
the possibility of arson.

And who wants to do that?

Not me.

Therefore, if you
will sign this release,

which I have right here,

I'll get a check in the mail

for $ , in your name.

That's swell advice, Edith.

All right. Here we are.

You know, uh, while
we was doing all this, uh,

I forget to, uh,
tell you something.

What's that?

Get the hell out of my chair!

$ , to replace a
beautiful bathroom like that?!

$ , nowadays
wouldn't even build

a wooden one-holer
in the backyard!

No, that's true.

But it'll help to pay for
the increased premiums

on your fire insurance

now that you're such a bad risk.

Hey, whatever
happened to the company

that held out their
two hands to you?

Well, once in a
while, Mr. Bunker,

all you get is a finger.

Bye-bye.

- [TV ON]
- Ah-ho! This is
hockey at its best, Edith,

'cause both teams
are out for blood here...

- [ARCHIE MUMBLING]
- Archie, which do you
like the best,

the roses or the paisley?

Please, Edith, I'm
watching the hockey game.

You wanna see
something exciting,

Loberti's going after Jensen
with his hockey stick there.

- This is it!
- I like the roses.

All right, I vote for the roses.

Go get him there, Loberti!

I like the paisley, too.

All right, the paisley, Edith,
whatever the hell that is.

Work on his lip, there,
Loberti, you got it half-open.

I like roses 'cause
they smell so good.

Still, I think the paisley will
make the room look bigger.

All right, Edith, use 'em both.

The room will look bigger and
it'll smell good at the same time.

- Get at him, Loberti!
- I don't like either one
of 'em.

What do you think
of the green stripes?

Will you get this
thing out of my face?!

You see what you done?! You
made me miss the best part there!

Jensen turned the
tables on Loberti,

he b*at him with the stick!

They're carrying
Loberti out, Edith,

and if he dies, I
missed the whole thing!

I'm sorry.

Jeez! I'm gonna hate that
wallpaper for the rest of my life.

What a disappointment.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.
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