07x24 - Archie the Liberal

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Listen, Barney, don't be
layin' the whole blame on me!

How the hell was I to know that
that reporter wasn't an honest guy?!

Hi, Archie, I'm home!

Yeah, so am I, Edith.

Listen... listen...

You're already the
president of the lodge,

you wanna take over
my job as the membership

chair... I made
meatloaf this morning,

it'll be ready in a minute!

I don't have to take this
kind of meatloaf from you!

I mean...

I don't have to take
this kind of guff from you!

You wanna take over my chairman's
gravel, go ahead and take it over!

And bang it yourself, and
hustle for members yourself,

and go to hell
while you're at it!

Edith, I'm lookin' for
my chairman's gravel.

It's in the closet. Let
me get ahold of that.

Wait a minute! No! Don't...

You used my chairman's
gravel to prop up a shelf?

No, you did.

That's no excuse!

Archie, why do you want it?

I want it because I'm gonna
turn it in to Barney Hefner.

Look at this here article in
the Flushing Tribune there.

"Local Clubs Discriminate."

This reporter calls me up,

he pumps me for a whole lot
of information about our lodge,

then he writes this big story that
all the lodge brothers are bigots.

How do ya like that? Could
you call all of us guys bigots?

You see? You couldn't.

Well, Archie, what did
you say to the reporter?

I didn't know he was a
reporter in the first place,

and if I'd have known that the three
simple questions that I asked him

was gonna cause
a smear like this...

Well, what was the questions?

Same questions I ask everybody.

"Are you employed?"
"Are you an ex-con?"

"Are you a white
man?" That's all.

Oh, Archie, you shouldn't
ask nobody them questions.

What do you mean I shouldn't?

They shouldn't be writing a
big thing like that in the paper!

And they're
lumping our little club

with all them snooty
yacht clubs and tennis clubs

and social clubs
all over Long Island.

With all the fuss
they're making,

you'd think our little club
was Jimmy Carter's church.

But why does this
have to happen to me?

Hi, Arch. Why does this
have to happen to me?

Hi, Mike! Hi, Mom.

I ain't got no time to
brandy words with you today,

and why the hell are
you sittin' at my table?

I forgot to tell you, Archie.

Mike's having
dinner with us tonight.

I hope you're cookin' for nine!

Oh, no... See, Gloria
had to take Joey

to Staten Island to
see Al and Trudy.

Oh, I see...

And she missed the
five o'clock bus home

on account of Joey took
his four o'clock nap at : .

- All right, Edith.
- And he has to sleep
for an hour

so she didn't want
to wake him up.

So the next bus was : .

Only Al missed his six
o'clock train coming home,

and he couldn't take
her to the bus station.

So Gloria and Joey

are stayin' at Al and
Trudy's for dinner tonight.

I guess they'll get the
eight o'clock bus home,

unless, of course,
Joey falls asleep...

[EDITH CONTINUES BABBLING]

Hey, Arch?

Why didn't you just stop her?

You can't!

If you don't stifle her
by the fifth sentence,

you just gotta wait till
she winds down herself.

Arch, I noticed they
mentioned your club

in this article on
discrimination.

I don't wanna say nothin'
about that article whatsoever!

- Okay.
- I'll say this...

that's all a pack of lies.

It is? All right.

Tell me the name of one black
member of the Kings of Queens?

Bein' a private club,

I ain't sayin' nothin'
about our club whatsoever!

Okay.

I'll say this...

if we ain't got a black
member over there...

And I ain't admitting we ain't
got a black member over there...

There's only one very
good and very simple reason.

What's that?

The entire membership is white.

Then you do discriminate, Arch.

Your club's gonna be
in big financial trouble.

How?

If your club practices
discrimination,

you're not gonna get a tax break on
your property taxes for the clubhouse.

That ain't true!

It's true!

That's the stupidest
thing I ever heard! Shut up.

It's true.

[CONTINUES BABBLING]

If Gloria takes the : bus,

she ain't gonna get
home until after midnight.

I know them
busses late at night.

You can never depend on them.

Why, I remember once
when I come home from work

by New Jersey, I didn't...

get home until
one in the morning.

Now, don't interrupt,
and don't start no stories

that don't end in
five sentences?

Now, back to you!

You take the Attorney
General of the United States...

He's got a right
to belong to a club

that don't have no
Jews and no blacks.

Then Archie
Bunker's got that right.

Arch, if you're gonna take your
lead from the Attorney General,

- why don't you do what he did?
- What did he do?

He quit his club.

Oh, yeah? Then
I'll quit my club.

Good. When?

When they make
me Attorney General.

Arch, don't you care anything

about the Constitution
of the United States?

Don't hit me with
that Commie crapola!

It's the Constitution!

Ain't got nothin' to do with
Americanism or America,

where a man's got the right
to join any club he pleases,

with all the men he likes,
and the men he likes got a right

to keep out all the
mens they don't likes.

You have that right.

But liking a man...

Why should that have
anything to do with

whether a man is black,
a Jew, or Puerto Rican?

That's discrimination!

No, it ain't. It's just
being particular.

The paper is right.

The paper is trying to burn us
for a lot of things we don't do.

I don't see a line in that paper

giving us credit for
the good things we do,

like keeping out the Catholics.

You do practice discrimination!

Ah, shut up! You're
always sh**t' off your face

about things you don't
know nothin' about!

Why don't you come
down with me to my club

and see what goes on
there with your own two eyes.

We got all kinds
of guys down there.

We got tall guys, short guys,

fat guys, skinny guys.

Guys with no
hair, too much hair.

No teeth, too much teeth.

We got a one-eyed guy.

We got a guy down there

we kind of suspect
that he's a midget.

[FORK DROPS]

Well, because he's
only four foot tall.

But nobody blames him for
that, nobody's mean to him.

We're all fair there...
Tell you what we do.

In the men's room, we
built up a little box there.

So the man can stand up
on that and be comfortable.

He can feel that he's got
an equal sh*t at it, you know?

Nobody says
nothin' against that.

Maybe we laugh a little,
but never a harsh word.

[DOOR BELL]

Archie, would you get
that? I gotta look at the pie.

Yes, I'll get that.

All I got to say to
you is I wish I had

some of the time back on my life

that I have wasted trying
to straighten out your head.

I think it'll come to
about nine years!

I've only known you seven.

Well, I count the
first two double!

I rounded up the
guys for a meeting.

- Talkin' to reporters, huh?
- How long, loose lips?

What?

You gonna have a
real live meeting here?

Yeah, a meeting here.

Say, Mike, there,
we're gonna have

a private lodge meeting here,

so if you don't...
Oh, will you scram!

It's all right, Arch.
I understand.

You don't want anybody to be
around while you put your sheets on.

Shut up, you! Get outta here!

I gotta tell you
somethin', Arch.

The whole club membership is really
steamed about that article in the newspaper

- The way you talked to me...
- We're in trouble!

We could have every pinko and
lefty in town picketing the clubhouse!

The lefties don't want to picket
a bunch of nobodies like us.

I didn't mean that! All right!

It slipped. You wanna
hold a meetin' on this?

Let's hold it the
regulation way.

Come on, we just called
a meeting to order here.

I'll take that, Arch. This
is a high-level meeting.

Wait a minute. I'm the chairman
of membership committee.

- I'm the president.
- But this is my house.

We don't care.

An emergency meeting
of the Kings of Queens

- is now in session.
- I got some things to say...

And the chair
recognizes Brother Pivnik.

First of all, on a personal
note, so to speak,

there's a lot of blacks
down at the plant

who ain't gonna be too
thrilled about readin' this.

And I got to work with three
of 'em that's tougher than me.

My wife Edith is
tougher than you.

[ARGUING]

All right, just hold it down.

The chair recognizes
Brother Bunker.

All right, Mr. Chairman,

Now, I think, you know

with all due regrets about you,

that, uh... the time has come...

we gotta change the
membership rules, you know?

I... we gotta think about
lettin' in somebody different.

We already done that.
We let Lewinsky in.

Now we can't tell
Polish jokes no more.

Just a minute. Brother Lewinsky
tells his own Polish jokes.

Yeah, but he
tells 'em all wrong!

[LAUGHING]

All right, try to contain
yourselves there.

The Chair recognizes
Brother Bunker again.

Well, see, what I mean is this:

You've all heard the
old saying, you know...

"A stitch in time
gathers no moss."

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Whatever!

But what I'm tryin' to
say is the heat is on us,

and we gotta take it off.

What we gotta do, I think...

now, don't jump on me...

is let in one Jew
and one black...

Don't say nothin' yet!

Just think about it, will
ya's? Just think about it.

Now, what do ya say?

Oh, no! Don't walk away from me!

We're gonna lose the
lodge! Lose the lodge!

Lose the lodge!

I am thinkin' about somethin' that
you dummies ain't thinkin' about!

Maybe I'm the only
person in the world tonight

that is thinkin'
about this one thing,

and that is how
we lose a tax break

on the clubhouse property.

- That ain't true!
- I done my homework there.

Consulted my own tax
expert H & R Kraut, there.

I'm gonna tell you right
now it most certainly is true,

but then it don't have to
hap... If it does happen,

the extra expense, where
are we gonna find it?

It ain't in our own
pockets. We lose the lodge.

We open the door
just this much, see?

It takes that heat off. Nobody
bothers for the next years.

By that time, we're
too old to care anymore.

But, Arch... a Jew and a black?

I know just who, and wait'll you
see the nice way this works out.

Okay. Who's the black guy?

The black guy, he's a guy
that Hank Pivnik knows.

He works with Hank
and me down at the plant

and lives over there
in College Point...

Solomon Jackson.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, well, there's
your black guy.

Okay, who's the Jewish guy?

Solomon Jackson.

He's a black and a Jew?

A two-time loser.

Archie! Are you home?

Yeah, I'm home, Edith.

Well, so am I.

Are the fellas here yet?

No, the fellas won't
be coming over till later.

Did you get everything
I told you to get?

I think so.

There's a very unusual
guest of honor today,

you know, a guy that's black
and Jewish all at once. Wow.

Well, here's the ribs
from Colonel Sanders...

and here's the chopped liver
from Goldberger's delicatessen.

And here's your wine...
That's it, that's the stuff.

Oh, yeah, that's terrific.

See, this is using
the old bean here.

In case he's feeling a little
more colored than usual,

a bottle of Ripple, see?

And in case he's more in a Jewish
frame of mood, we got the Manischewitz.

[DOORBELL]

- That must be him...
- I'll get that.

No, no, Edith, let
me answer the door!

No, let me answer. I said I...

When I say I'm answering
the door, why do you run?

I always do.

Ah, jeez. Stand back, will ya.

Hurry up!

- [DOORBELL]
- I'll be right there.

Remember, please, you know,

act ordinary, very pleasant.

Just make the guy feel
like he's a real person.

But that's... that's what he is.

Good, good, Keep
that up, keep that up.

- Hello!
- Hiya there, Sol.

Come on in and
say hello to the wife.

Edith, this is Solomon
Jackson from work.

How do you do, Mr. Jackson?

Let me have your jacket.

It's so nice of you...

Don't wear the man out
with heavy conversation.

Just hang up the
coat. Come on in, Sol.

Make yourself at home.

Sit down on the sofa... the
hell with the sofa, use my chair!

Because that's the most
comfortable chair in the house.

The first thing I wanna
do is, you know, thank you

for coming over here, giving
up your Saturday afternoon,

which I know is a religious
holy day for you people,

the name of
which... What is that?

- Shabbas.
- Correct.

Can I get you a
little refreshment?

A little refreshment.
That's right in order, Edith.

Go ahead and do that. Bring us an
ice cold bottle of Ripple out there, see?

Yeah, oh, that's my
favorite wine, boy.

I-I love that better
than anything.

I didn't know that, Archie.

Well, the years
have tired ya out

and you forget things. Go away!

From now on I'll buy
it for ya all the time.

It's a lot cheaper than beer.

Yeah. It's a hell of a lot
better, too, you know? Yeah.

I don't really care for it.

I've gone off it myself
lately to tell you the truth.

Say, Edith, the ripple,

and bring us a couple of
delicious ice cold cans of beer.

EDITH: All right!

Well, well, well...

I'm so glad that we
could finally get together.

Why?

Why? Uh, well, you know,

the kind of guy I am I
like to make friendships,

you know, wherever,

irregardless of
nothing pertaining to

anything particular
whatever, you know?

There are not many people
who could phrase it just that way.

Well, I like to think
I'm one of them.

You are.

And you are a
credit to your race.

Oh, well thank
you very much, Sol,

and you're a credit
to your race, too.

I mean both of them.

[DOORBELL]

Holy cow, the front door!

What do you know?

Jeez, I wonder who
could be ringing that door.

Without even an invitation,

in the middle of a man's
Saturday afternoon...

- What'd you call that again?
- Shabbas

Correct again. What a memory.

Let's let 'em in, huh?

Well, well!

- Well, put it to me.
- Hi, Arch!

Hey, Sol, I want you to meet
three close friends of mine.

- Hi, Sol, I'm Harry.
- How are ya, Harry?

- You know me, I'm Hank.
- Right, yeah.

And this is Barney Hefner, Sol.
He's the president of our lodge.

Here's your beer! Oh!

Edith, you're gonna have
to get some more beers

because look who just
dropped in right out of the blue?

Yeah. We was expectin' ya.

Excuse us just a minute.

Edith, come out to the
kitchen about some little thing...

We shouldn't...

It'll be just a minute.
Be right back, fellas.

Do you know how tired I am of
living with your foot in my mouth?

I don't know what you mean.

Keep yourself busy out
here, and I'll handle the guests.

Wait a minute,
I'll serve the beer.

- You don't have to...
- I will serve the cold beer.

Your warm conversation
takes the chill off the cans.

Here we are, guys! If
you want anything done,

you always do it yourself, huh?

There you go!
Excuse my behind, Sol.

There's one. You
just help yourself.

Oh, jeez! Sorry there.

I hope I didn't
get the shin there.

Well, here we all are, and
as the Scotch Jew said,

Lachheim! Ha Ha Ha!

TOGETHER: Lachheim!

Hey, you know who's a
funny guy? Flip Wilson.

But not as funny as Myron Cohen.

Well, you like both
of them, don't ya?

- Yeah!
- Then say that.

You know, I really
like that TV picture, uh,

The Raid on Entebbe.

Oh, yeah. Them Israelis
really did a good job.

Leave it to a Jew
to pull a fast one.

Uh, all I mean
is that... It's a...

It's a good example
of Jewish brains.

Listen, why did you
invite me by here today?

Well, uh, like I was sayin' to you
before the guys come, you know,

that we never have a chance to
talk to each other down at work.

Yeah, but you can
talk to me at any time.

As a matter of fact, you did
speak to me at lunch once.

Yeah, when?

About five years ago.

Oh... Ain't that wonderful?

A man can remember
after five years

a little insignificant
detail like that?

That's my Jewish brain.

[LAUGHING]

It certainly doesn't take much

to get a laugh
around here, does it?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Arch, it just hit me...

You know what we need
down at the Kings of Queens?

A guy like Sol here with
a great sense of humor.

Barney, what a hell of an idea.

And, I, the membership chairman,
never thought of that myself?

Sol, let me ask you:

Did you ever hear of our
club the Kings of Queens?

Mmm...

Is that that f*g joint
down near the bus station?

No, no... No, no.

No, that's another...

No, that's the Queens of Queens.

Our club is the Kings of Queens.

The Kings is all men.

So is the Queens.

Yeah, Sol, but you know

I mean real American guys

like he-man guys
like all of us here.

And we think that
you belong with us.

Tell me about it.

Yeah, sure.

Well, it's a swell club, Sol,

and one of the main
things about our club is

it ain't got a whole lot of
pain-in-the-neck rules, you know?

Like we never insist
that a new member

comes to all the
meetings, do we fellas?

ALL: Right!

I can become a member, and
I don't have to show up at all?

No, you don't have
to show up or nothin'.

Nothin' at all.

I mean like any of
the social events there,

the annual picnic with
the wives and families.

You could stay away,
now, couldn't he, guys?

ALL: Stay away!

And then we've
got all the facilities

of the club there, you know.

We got a pool, a handball court.

We got a little refreshment
bar, a new library there...

You guys got books?

Books, no. The
TV set is in there.

You know, Roots was
my favorite TV show?

Oh, yeah, Roots. But the
sl*very filled me with shame.

But gettin' back
to all the facilities.

See, you don't have to use
none of them facilities at all.

And then January st you
get a whole list through the mail

of all the club's yearly
events to stay away from.

But if I don't have to show up,

what do you need me for?

Well, we need you
'cause the club has got to...

Any club nowadays will
tell you the same thing.

It's not just our club, but all of
the clubs are feelin' the thing...

I'll tell you what it is, Sol.

Every club needs a certain
amount of absentee members.

This is kind of a new thing.

You mean you're having an
absentee membership drive?

That's it, Sol, and
we're startin' early.

Startin' early. And... and we're
startin' the first one with you.

So, Sol, what do ya say?

Fellas, you know what
makes me feel bad?

No, what's that, Sol?

That terrible article that
was in the Flushing Tribune.

ARCHIE: Oh, that a was a lie.

Now, why did it say
that the Kings of Queens

was full of bigots?

They're a bunch
of lies there, Sol.

And here we are,
sitting like brothers...

and you guys are
ready to take me in.

No, we want you in
there. We want you.

And, fellas, I am accepting!

[CHEERING]

Sit down there. Sit down.

I'd love to stay longer,
but I promised my son

I'd get home to help him
write his Bar Mitzvah speech.

Oh, his Bar Mitzvah.
Ain't that nice?

But I am in!

[CHEERING]

Terrific. That's terrific!

You know the first thing I'm
gonna do as a new member?

No, what?

I am going to bring
in more new members!

Hold on, wait a minute...

I am going to spearhead
that membership drive,

and when I say spear,
baby, I mean spear!

I'm gonna bus in a
load of my brothers

from the Jackson
Heights Synagogue...

Wait a minute, Sol...

And I'm gonna
bring in another one

from the Congress
of Racial Equality.

No, no, Sol.

Oh, yeah. All big mothers.

And my Jewish brothers are gonna
look like those Entebbe commandos.

And my black brothers
are gonna look like

those big, angry slaves

that was on your favorite
TV program, Roots!

And we all want to be
initiated at the same time.

Lachheim!

Wait, Sol, I think we
better talk about this...

Archie, brother, you
are going to love it.

Your club will take
on a whole new color.

As a matter of fact, we're going
to have to change the name.

Let me see now. Ah! I got it.

The Kings of Queens of Spades!

Now... let me hear from ya!

And in the meantime,
Shalom, y'all!

Ah, he don't mean that.

But, uh...

if he means it, we gotta look
on the bright side, you know?

Nobody could take
us in basketball.

♪♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.