01x02 - How to b*at a Cold... With Fists!/Old Man Duck Head/Unsolved Histories

[bunniefuu]

-NARRATOR: One boy...
-Yeah!

NARRATOR: One worm.

You know it.

(GROANS)

(BEEPS)

NARRATOR: These are their adventures.

(ROARS)

(WHOOPING)

Sweet!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Whoo!
-All right, yeah. Pretty fun. Future-Worm.

Steak, that civilian transport
is flagging us for help.

Mira Faye! Get 'em
on the comm-link, ASAP-stat.

(ALARM BEEPING)

-WOMAN: Take us aboard.
-MAN: We are in distress.

-WOMAN: Mayday!
-(BOTH GASP)

-Captain!
-MAN: Please! Save us! Help us!

Mayday! Mayday!
Please, come! Rescue us!

I got some help. Coming right up.

-Models... Ramming speed!
-(ALL GASP)

Uh, Steak? Are you sure
that's a good idea?

You kiddin'?
It's the best idea I've ever had.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

-No!
-What just happened?

That ship was full of civilians!

Was it? Or was it full of

parasitic Emumorphs.

(ALL GASP)

That's right, ladies. It was a trap.

Lucky for you,
ol' Steak saw through it.

Once they got aboard our ship,
the Emumorphs would have infected us all.

Then we'd be...

dead meat!

(NARRATOR READING ON TV)

NARRATOR: If you love science,
fantasy and Steak Starbolt,

then come to Sci-Fi-Fanti-Con!

You wanna get
Steak Starbolt's autograph? Too bad!

You'll have to settle
for Randy Mulewinder.

Prepare to suffer
my Emumorphic rage. (LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

NARRATOR: Get his autograph today
and today only at the Tord Bottom Mall.

What's that? You're too sick to go?

Too bad, guess you're hosed!

Oh, man! You gotta be
(SNEEZES) kidding me!

Randy Mulewinder's
the third-to-last auto... (SNEEZES)

Autograph I need to complete my...

(SNEEZES) To complete...

(SNEEZING)

Danny! Snap out of it, man!

Oh! Whoa, thanks, Fyootch!

Sneezes got a hold of me bad.

But did you hear that ad?

I'm hosed because
I'm too sick to...

-(SLAPS)
-(SNEEZES) Thanks!

Ah! Kills me to see you like this, Danny.

You've got the sickness
and that autograph is the cure.

We're getting you to that convention.

I'll carry you if I have to!

(COUGHS) Aw, thanks, Fyootch,
but you should...

(COUGHS) You should just
go ahead without me.

I don't wanna get anyone else sick.

And that goes for you too.

Dad says it's highly-contagious.

No way! I'm not afraid of some
bottom-feeding viral scum!

You hear me? Come get some!

Yeah! Tell 'em how it is, Fyootch!

(SIGHS) You can do this, Doug.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

DOUG'S CONSCIENCE: Ah-ah-ah,
what do you think you're doing, Doug?

-Huh?
-Oh, Douglas,

do I really have to remind you about

the germs?

Those highly-contagious,
infectious, parasitic,

poisonous, spreadable
and catchable germs!

(GERMS LAUGHING)

We're coming for you.

ALL: Dougie, we're coming for you.

Dougie, Dougie, Dougie...

(SINGING) Dougie, Dougie, Dougie

(EXCLAIMS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay.

Little bit closer here.
Little bit closer...

Just knock on the door here.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

CONSCIENCE: You touched the door?

Oh, no! Danny?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How's the cold?

It's...

(COUGHING)

Fulfilling its biological imperative.

Well, not for long!

The three keys to defeating
a cold have arrived.

Water, rest...
That's the, uh, pillow here. (CHUCKLES)

And your dad's own
home remedy hot tea.

Guaran-"tea'd" to burn
that filthy, disgusting,

highly-contagious virus to death.

Wow, that sounds... (COUGHS)

Great. Thanks, Dad!

(COUGHING)

CONSCIENCE: (WHISTLES)
Wow, a cough like that?

Bet it could blast a microscopic virus
right through a wooden door

and into your vulnerable lungs
where it'll slowly...

But you know!
The first step is, uh, prevention!

(SHUDDERING) Which is why
I'm gonna go sanitize everything.

Uh, honey, have you seen
my surgical scrubs?

Water? Tea? Rest?
Those are great cures...

(SPITS) for babies!

If the cold doesn't k*ll you,
the boredom will.

Yeah, you're right.
But maybe we can cure it ourselves

with science!

-(CRASHES)
-All right, Fyootch, cures are ready.

Experimental-trial montage, go!

Nope.

Nope-ay.

Uh-uh! Nope.

(HEN CLUCKS)

Double nope.

Nope squared.

(SNEEZES)

(AUTO-TUNED VOICE)
This throbbing clown hair is sweet.

Whoa! My voice is weird.

Still nope.

Okay, I'm sanitized,
suited up and going in.

CONSCIENCE: Well, looky here!

Got ourselves a real cowboy, huh?

What do you think
you are now, Dougie?

Germ-proof?

You think infectious germs
aren't going to pollute your insides

just because you're dressed like...

What, a nurse? (LAUGHING)

Oh, Dougie.

You... You, uh, okay in there, Danny?
Need anything?

No, all good, Dad!

(SIGHS)

Does this make me a bad parent?

CONSCIENCE: No.
No, of course not, Doug.

It makes you a coward.

(SHUDDERS)

I can't take this
anymore, Danny. (SHOUTS)

Let me at that wussy virus! (SHOUTS)

Dude, that's it!
I'll shrink you down

and you can fight
the virus from inside my body!

Awesome plan!

But what about you?
You'll miss out on all the fun.

I say we grow it huge
so we can both cr*ck its capsid in two!

Good call!

(SCREECHING)

Whoa! I don't wanna alarm you,
but that virus is, like,

way up in your brain, man.

(GASPS) Really? What's it doing?

I don't know,
reading your brain diary?

Hurry up and get it out so I can
grind it into sand on my titanium abs.

All right, Fyootch. Let's do it!

Suck stuff! Grow stuff!

(SNEEZING)

(SCREECHING)

Holy cow!

(SCREECHING)

Yeah. It's pretty big, I guess.

You've stood in the way
of that autograph for too long!

It's time to dance, Clementine.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

All right, that thing can hit.

(SCREECHING)

-This calls for...
-(BEEPS)

-Robo-Carp.
-Robo-Carp, catch that cold!

Activate cure for the common cold!

Revolutionizing modern medicine.

Infected! Infected!

-Oh, weak!
-Weak!

Danny? Danny, are you okay?

CONSCIENCE: You're too late, Dougie.
He's just a germ now.

Your son is % pure infectious germ.

(SHUDDERS) No...

No!

Re-shrink! Re-shrink!

Hey! Danny spent a lot
of time on that, you virus!

-Fyootch!
-(SCREECHING)

Future-Worm, help!

Danny! No!

(SHRIEKING)

That's it. I'm going in!
It's just a cold.

(CHUCKLES) Not a giant monster.

(SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

Get it off, get it off me!
Get it off me!

Back off my dad!

-(ROARING)
-Whoa!

-(SNARLING)
-(HORNS HONKING)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Well, all right, there it goes.

All's well that ends well, right?

No, Fyootch, we can't just let that thing
run around attacking people.

-DOUG: Boys? Boys? Help me.
-Dad!

-(SHUDDERING)
-Hang in there, Dad.

Just keep sanitizing
till we b*at that runaway cold.

Watch the eyes, watch the eyes.

But how?

I don't know.
You're the science guy. I just hit stuff.

And spit.

If a virus's goal is to spread itself,

it's gonna go where there's
the most people to infect.

Which means... Oh, no!

-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-Hey, hey!

Photos are bucks, kid.
You're a thief.

(ROARING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, great!
Another obsessive cosplayer.

It's not even close to
what an Emumorph looks like. Hello!

-(ROARS)
-(ALL SCREAMING)

Fyootch, look!

I've been looking for
one of these for months!

Wow, thought I'd never...

No! We can't let the sweet
siren song of Steak Starbolt swag

sway us from our mission, Fyootch.

Good call. Pretty sure
it's just a porterhouse

somebody covered in lacquer, anyway.

-(VIRUS SCREECHING)
-Oh, no!

He's infecting that
Fats Jellybottom cosplayer!

Dude! Your costume is tight!

Let me get a photo. (SCREAMS)

What? No one hurts
Fats Jellybottom!

(PANTING)

(SHOUTS)

(GROANING)

Hey! Can't you just, like,
not infect people?

You could write crime novels
or open a bed and breakfast.

Or... (SCREAMING)

Danny? Danny,
I brought tea in case... (GASPS)

Danny! No!

(GRUNTING) Dad!

(GRUNTING)

CONSCIENCE: Uh, Dougie boy,
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

(GERMS SINGING) Dougie, Dougie, Dougie

Oh, yeah?
Well, you are me, mister.

And I don't care if "me" gets sick.

I'm saving my son.

(GRUNTING)

No!

Hey, you! Why don't you
make like a tea and leave?

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTS)

(SHRIEKING)

Whoa!

Whoa! Dad! That ruled!

Whoa! You all right?

That's it! We need
to use Dad's cures to b*at it!

(SHRIEKING)

Leave my pillows...
I mean, my heart and innards alone!

Oh, yeah. Hitting stuff.
Now we're talking.

-(SHRIEKING)
-Plenty of rest!

Eat Jellybottom fat, virus.

(SHRIEKING)

Prepare to get hosed, sucker.

(YELPS)

-We did it!
-Yeah, we did it!

-We sure did, son.
-We did. Like always.

(GRUNTS) Stupid spotlight-stealing...

(GROANS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IMITATING STEAK STARBOLT)
Alien scum like you make me sick.

Ah!

You don't know how right
you are, Steak.

Prepare to suffer my Emumorphic rage!

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

Wow, that was... Excuse me...

(SNIFFLES) Something, uh,
different from crying.

Something up here in my visor.

NARRATOR: The mother sparrow
regurgitates food

into the mouths of its young.

Really, Doug? You don't
see me sitting around

watching shows where dinosaurs
puke humans into each other's mouths.

-(SWITCHES TV OFF)
-Thanks for curing my cold, Dad.

No (SNEEZES) problem, son.

Now, if only we could cure mine.

I was hoping
you'd say that.

Just say "ah."

Ahh!!

NARRATOR: Future-Worm!

Come on, man,
this shoe's not gonna disintegrate itself.

-(BEEPING)
-One, two...

-(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
-Whoa!

(SCREAMS)

Poor ducks.
Here's some bread.

Here, eat some bread.

(LAUGHS) That old man
doesn't know he's got a duck on his head!

How's a duck
not know he's got an old man on his butt?

DANNY: (LAUGHING)
He's sitting down!

I'm laughin' so hard,
my brain's gonna come out of my nose.

(QUACKS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ow, my face!

Oh, my lungs... I can't...
Oh, this is gonna k*ll me.

I've been all over time and space, kid.

This here's a cosmic comedy alignment.

Super rare, like a clown
getting hit by a comet.

Bozzlebean had it comin', though.

(LAUGHING)

(QUACKING)

I can't breathe...
I wish that could have gone on forever.

It was a classic
Old Man Duck Head.

(SIGHS) Wow.

I may never laugh
that hard again.

Huh. Don't tempt fate, kid.

Laughter loss is real.

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS) Oh, no.

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, sweet laughter why'd you end?

Old Man Duck Head you transcend

All the funny things I've seen

What does humor even mean?

If you can't go back in time

To laugh at laughter so sublime

Oh, wait
I think perhaps you can,

Go back to when this all began

'Cause you have a lunch box
that travels in time!

Fyootch, I'm a no-laugh Danny.

You know what we gotta do?

You gotta watch that duck
over and over, till it stops being funny.

Then you'll be as good as new.

Or your head'll explode.

Either way... Boom! Cured!

Let's do it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(DANNY LAUGHING)

-You were right. I feel better already.
-(LAUGHING)

So funny, so choice.

The world needs to see it.

This is a job for...

Robo-Carp!

Record that comedy!

Activate video camera.
Chances of comedy overload, %.

(QUACKS)

-Aw, weak! Ugh, fine.
-Uh-huh.

I'll use my phone.

Sick phone, dude.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MAN: An old man with
a perfectly feathered fedora?

This duck will do nicely.
Quite nicely, indeed.

All right, Fyootch,
let's find something funny on TV

and see if I'm cured.

Oh, snap! Old Man Duck Head?

Is the President?

But he wasn't when we left.

I mean, we must've
cross-wobbled the past

and rejiggered the present.

Sweet!

I wonder what we changed.

Let's find out.
This bad boy's got an X holographic...

(STUTTERING) Projectinator.
Something like that.

Buckle your eyeballs, kid.

In today's news...

After some kid's video went viral,

the whole world fell in love
with Old Man Duck Head.

He was elected president
within the hour,

receiving % of the vote
in every state.

DANNY: That's so cool!

We turned regular
Old Man Normal Head into

President Old Man Duck Head.

But we turned Regular Duck
into Sad Duck?

(QUACKS SADLY)

Come on, Duck! Cheer up!

(GASPS) It's chained
to the old man's fashionable hoop earring!

(WHISTLES) Man, those things
never go out of style.

This is all my fault.,

I just wanted to laugh.

Now this duck's life
is ruined.

So you wanna, like, break into
the White House and rescue him or what?

Let's do it.

We need to see the President!

(BOTH GROWLING)

Wait, purple jumpsuits?

Those aren't Secret Service guys, Fyootch!

Then they won't mind
if I get some exercise.

(HUFFING)

-(GRUNTS)
-(NARRATOR READING)

(GRUNTS)

(NARRATOR READING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTS)

Duck! We're here to rescue you!

Duck? What duck?
Don't try and stop us.

Oh, but I will stop you.

What're you? Some kind of tough guy?

Indeed!
And Old Man Duck Head is mine.

I made your
Duck Head video go viral.

I got him elected.
Now he does my bidding.

(CHUCKLES)

For I am the Bread Baron.

(LAUGHING) Bread?
He's got bread for a head.

You think 'cause
there's a duck in the White House,,

you're gonna sell more bread?

Don't you see? It's already happening.

And we're not stopping with food.

Bread, my friends, is the future.

Bread cars. Bread suitcases.
Bread apples...

Keep him talking, Fyootch!
I'll handle the duck.

You know it.

(GIBBERING)

Uh, how about bread yo-yos?

Yes! Yes, to bread yo-yos!

And bread roller skates!
And bread helmets!

We're just breadstorming here.

Bread airplane cushions that
turn into personal floatation devices.

(EXCLAIMS) Made of bread.

Yes! Yes!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Bread!

-(JINGLING)
-Stop!

We both know that
if you set that duck free,

you'll never laugh again.

(QUACKS SADLY)

Bread. (LAUGHS)

No!

(QUACKS)

-Ow!
-(GLASS SHATTERS)

Where... Where did
that duck come from?

Sure. You're not
President Old Man Duck Head anymore.

But you're still President Old Man.

I am? Well, that's pretty cool.

And as for you, whatever your name is...

It's Bread Baron!

And you haven't seen the last of me!

Bread Baron!

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

(SIGHS) I guess
I'll have to live a life without laughter.

Ah, sure looks that way.

But, hey, next time we see
that Bread Baron,

-he's toast.
-(SNICKERS)

We'll catch
that Bread Baron someday,

bread or alive.

-(LAUGHS)
-Rye so serious, Danny?

Get it? It's a type of bread. Rye.

You're on a roll, Fyootch!
Get it? A roll?

(LAUGHS) Listen to me!
I'm laughing! I'm cured!

(LAUGHING)

Uh-oh.

I don't get it, kid.

NARRATOR: Future-Worm!

Picnics. Fireflies.

Tortillas stuffed with meat,
cheese, beans.

Sometimes rice, too.

Burrito Day is as old as America itself.

But how did
this holiday begin?

Why do we celebrate
the discovery of America

with Burrito Day?

It's time we find out.

I'm Baxter Frost. And this

is Unsolved Histories.

-Dude, I'm so hungry.
-(STOMACH GROWLING)

My stomach's grumbling
like a cranky grandpa.

Ah, tell your food bucket to cool out.

You're gonna love this place.

What? Aw! Who closes a burrito stand?

That's like closing the sun.

Ain't ya heard of Columbus Day?

Ain't nothin' open on Columbus Day
on account of him discoverin' America.

Aw, dude, come on.
We just want burritos.

Yeah? I just wanna know
why I gotta stay in this shack all day

even though we're closed.

Thanks, Columbus!

Hey, Danny, was yesterday
Columbus Day, too?

Great idea, Fyootch!

Let's go back to yesterday
when it was open!

Burritos, here we come.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

-(GROANS)
-Whoa!

Yesterday sure got a lot beachier.

Time storm must've blown us off-course.

We could be anywhere, any-when.

(SPITS)

Just how I like it.

Look! And it's open!

Take that, Christopher Columbus. Idiot.

(WHOOPING)

I claim this land in the name of me,
Christopher Columbus.

Henceforth, today shall be Columbus Day,

and all stores must close.

(GASPS) Not again!

Quick! Two burritos, and step on it.

You dare dishonor Columbus Day?

Have at you now, burrito stand!

-(GRUNTING)
-(CRASHES)

Oh, that was pretty lame, dude.

Be still, my greedy heart!

This gold is mine!
All mine! (LAUGHING)

Sandy cheese? Sandy beans?

Christopher Columbus, you're the worst.

Yeah! How you like
these abs, sucker? (GRUNTS)

Hang on, I've got an idea.

Hey, Columbus,
you like "gold," huh?

I'll get you tons of gold if you
change your name to Christopher Burrito.

"Burrito"?

Buh-rito. Bur-ee-toe. Hmm.

It is a deal, young sir!

Cool. Be right back.

Here's your precious "gold,"
Christopher Burrito.

(LAUGHING) Gold!

(SPITS) What japery is this?

I changed my name for chocolate?

It's a binding contract.

No take-backs, sucker! (LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMS) Not fair!

Whoa, it worked! You're open!

'Course I am. Today's Burrito Day,

on account of
Christopher Burrito discoverin' America.

And?

And everybody gets a free burrito!

Yes! Burrito Day rules!

-Nice one.
-Whoo!

(BAXTER READING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)