08x16 - Super Bowl Sunday

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

EDITH: Sixty-seven...

( Mike, Gloria sigh )

Sixty-eight...

Ahh.
Sixty-nine...

Haven't we made
enough sandwiches yet?
No.

Gloria, guys watchin'
a Super Bowl game
get very hungry.

Especially when they're
watchin' in a saloon

where they're doin'
a lot of drinkin', see.

So keep going. We gotta
have at least of them.

How much are you
charging for 'em?

Buck-fifty each.

I'll make a little dough
on this.

Let's see, a buck-fifty
times seventy-five is

five-oh--oh-five cents--
three, four, five,
carry the three,

five is the...

I tell ya what's
better than this, see.

Make more, altogether,
and we charge $ apiece,

so times , uh,

that's, uh, that's, uh--

that'll bring in $ .

You always were
good with numbers.
Yeah.

How come you're only
givin' 'em ham sandwiches?

Because my saloon
is a ham joint, you know?

Some saloons is liverwurst,

some of the other saloons
is bologna there,

you go to other saloons,
there's lettuce and tomato--

them's the kind of gay joints,
you know--

but my saloon has
always been ham.

Daddy, if Michael's
gonna help out,

I don't see why
I can't come down
to the bar and help out.

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want them men
grabbin' for my daughter.

I'm hirin' another girl
for that.

Oh, yeah? Who?

"Boom Boom" Turner.

Boom Boom?

Oh, the one that works
down at the plant.

The very same one.

First girl ever to wear
steel-belted radial brassieres.

Her name is Mildred.

The name don't change
this here.

Daddy, I hope you're
paying Michael for this.

Yeah. I'm payin' him
the same I paid him

to help me on
New Year's Eve.

On New Year's Eve
you didn't pay me anything.

Well, I'll pay ya twice that.

It's lucky for you
we're related.

That's the kind of luck
poor Mr. Lincoln had

the night he went
to the movies...

when he sat in
John Wilkes's booth.

Archie thinks he's gonna take in
a thousand dollars tonight.

A thousand dollars?
Really, Daddy?

A thousand dollars
at least.

With that big super TV screen
I hired to watch the game on,

the joint is gonna be
packed out.

This should be
the best business
you ever had.

I think so.

Well, barring the day
the Sons of Ireland bus
broke down outside the bar

and them Ed McMahons
come rushin' in there.

How much is it
gonna cost you to rent
this big TV screen?

Plenty, but I'm layin' it off
on the customers.

I'm chargin' 'em
a little extree
for every drink.

What, like a cover charge?

You can't do that in
a neighborhood bar.

You gotta keep out
the riff-raff, don't ya?

Those are your
biggest customers.

For you.

I don't understand
why people would pay extra

to see a football game
that they can see at home
for free.

They're glad to pay extra
to spend a couple of hours
away from the wives.

Maybe the wives
will want to come.

You think we want women
hanging around there

during the Super Bowl game?

Runnin' around
askin' stupid questions

like "When are we gonna
see Reggie Jackson?"

Daddy.
Yeah.

Oh, geez!

Mustard in the eye!
Mustard in the eye!

Wash it out,
it's blindin' me here!

I just was teasing!

( all talking )

Gee,
get it outta there!

Don't you know there's
two very dangerous chemicals
in mustard?!

What?
Acid and mustard!

You get them things
in your eye, it could
destroy the rectal nerve!

Ohh. Ohh!

I'm sorry, Daddy.

"Sorry," that don't
restore my hindsight here!

Come on, meathead,
let's get the hell outta here.

She'll go after my other eye
with an egg beater!

Don't forget after the game
we're goin' out to dinner!

We're gonna do--ohh!

Bye, Archie.
That's all right.

Don't do that!

And don't do that--

put the sandwich
back into the box

after your chops got all
salivated all over the thing!

Get goin', will you?

It's a disgrace,
a whole corner of
the thing gone.

Oh, well,
what the hell.

( marching band plays
on TV )

Thanks, Boom Boom.

MAN: Hey, Boom Boom,
you're blockin' the screen.

Let her alone,
that's only the pre-game stuff.

Let's look at Boom Boom.
Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha!

( indistinct chatter )

ARCHIE:
Enjoy yourselves there.

Drink up, fellas, drink up.

Look at the mob
growin' in here.

You was the one that told me
not to rent that big
superscreen there, huh?

I gotta hand it to ya,
Arch, terrific idea.

MIKE: Arch,
football pool's
all sold out.

How much did you get?
Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars, huh?

Ten percent is mine
for cuttin' this whole thing,

so that makes approximately
fifty dollars for me.

I see you lookin' at me,
but don't do it, Harry.

This ain't got nothin'
to do with you.

This ain't the partnership,
this ain't the business.

This is mine personal, see?

Announcement, everybody,
announcement here!

The football pool
is all sold out now.

So, after the game
some lucky bum

is gonna be
the winner of $ .

( all cheer )

Less ten percent for me,
cuttin' it, you know,
and keepin' the books on it.

( all boo )

And I'm holdin' onto it,
too.

Just a minute, Arch.

How come you're
holdin' the money?

ALL: Yeah!
Don't you trust me?

All: Nooooo!

I don't think
they trust you, Arch.

Hey, fellas, all I asked
was Barney over there.

And for him I got
two very smart words:

( double raspberry )

Come on, Arch,
you know the rules.

Nobody in the pool
is allowed to hold the money.

Let's give it to
a neutral party.

( all agree )
Yeah, let Boom Boom
hold it.

Yeah, that's a great idea!

Give the money to Boom Boom.
She knows where to put it!

Here, Boom, Boom--
put it in the safe.

Wow!

Five hundred dollars!

My cups runneth over!

( all laugh )

Hey, get busy, get busy.

Come right in, gents.
Table for four?

We're not with them.

Oh. Would you two gents
mind waiting a minute?

Come right this way.
I got a couple of chairs
right at this table for ya.

Your pleasure's
my business.

Good crowd.

Very good.

We oughta walk outta here
with a coupla thousand.

You know how many gas stations
we'd have to knock over
to get that kind of loot?

Okay, fellas,
a table for two?

Step right this way.

Maybe we ain't got
a table for two for you there,

but we'll find some room.

You could move, huh?

There. I ain't seen youse guys
before. Youse from around here?

No.
Yes.

Yes.
No.

No.
Yes.

Well, what the hell's
the difference?

What we mean is,
we're thinking of
moving into the neighborhood.

Not a bad idea.

This neighborhood is like
a hunk of Park Avenue--

only you never
have to trip over the rich.

Sit down, sit down,
enjoy yourself.

What's your pleasure?

Uh, you got any, uh,
-year-old scotch?

I got an -year-old scotch
that's due for a birthday
next week. Ha ha ha!

You want a double on that?
Yeah.

One double of
the -year-old scotch there.

What do you like?
Beer.

Four beers.
Four beers?

Yeah, well, it's a long game.

( Star-Spangled Banner
plays on TV )

Oh, the anthem, here it is.

Hey, everybody,
pay attention,

national anthem here.

ALL: * ...dawn's early light *

♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪

♪ At the twilight's
last gleaming ♪

♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪

♪ Through the perilous fight ♪

♪ O'er the ramparts we watched ♪

♪ Were so gallantly streaming ♪

Now's the perfect time
to stick 'em up,
while they're all standing.

During the national anthem?

What are you,
a communist?

( anthem continues )

Hey, just look at
these suckers.

This is gonna be
the biggest day
we ever had.

Boy, some crowd, huh, Arch?

Listen, this is gonna be
the best day we ever had.

♪ ...banner yet wave ♪

♪ O'er the land ♪

♪ Of the free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

♪ Brave ♪♪

TV:
And there's the endof the
first half of Super Bowl XII

in the magnificent
Louisiana Superdome

in beautiful downtown
New Orleans...

Okay, guys,
the end of the first half.

I got an announcement
to make,

a Half-Time Special here,
only at half-time--

two drinks for
the price of one double.

Wait a minute!

What's so special about
two drinks for the price
of a double?

You get them
at the same time.

Everybody's enjoying themselves

and you have to come up
with nasty questions there.

Now, Sam.
Let's do it now.

What's your hurry?

'Cause I told my wife
I'm gonna pull a job.

If she finds out
I'm watching a football game,

she's gonna k*ll me!

Arch, how can you sell a drink
in a glass like that?

What's the matter
with the glass?

Look at it.
It's got a false bottom.

What do you mean
false bottom?

A false bottom,
there's no bottom.

This here glass
got plenty of bottom.

We got more bottom
than you need.

That's what I mean!
You're cheating the customers!

How?

They order
two ounces of booze,

you're giving them
four pounds of crystal.

Let me tell you
something.

With this heavy glass,
see,

you don't get no tippage
and you don't get no spillage.

With this heavy glass,
the customers saves money.

With this heavy glass,

every time
the customer picks it up

he dislocates his elbow.

With this heavy glass,

I could raise a big bump
on your head.

Who ya starin' at?
Don't I know you
from someplace?

You don't know me
from no place.
I don't forget a face.

I know you, buddy.

Forget my face
and shut up, will ya?

Don't tell me to shut up!

Shut up!
You a wise guy?

Hey, Arch, I believe
a fight is brewin'.

I ain't deaf
and blind, Hank.

Get me the peacemaker,
Harry.

There it is, Arch.

Hit 'em with the label up
or you'll break the bat.

( both shouting )

Hold it, hold it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Fellas, hey.

We got a strict rule
in Archie's Place--

v*olence ain't allowed.

Any guy caught
committin' v*olence

gotta get his head crossed.

Now, what's it all about?

( both shouting )

No matter what
it's all about,

there's only one way
to settle it.

Leave it to me.
What was you drinking?

I was--I was drinking
double scotches.

That's very nice. Yeah.

And McCauley, you, as usual,
was drinkin'--

Beer.

You ain't got much
going for ya, have ya?

Lookit, Archie,
I'm tryin' to ex--

Whenever you fight,

you wind up in
the Q Gardens jail.

That's it! That's where
I know this guy from!

Cut! Cut!

What do you mean,
insultin' a gent here

drinkin' -year-old scotch?

I'm telin' ya--

McCauley,
best thing you can do

is pay your tab
and shove off.

I got a bat.

All right.
Who needs this crummy joint?

Let's go down
to McFeeny's.

Yeah, you'll
love it down there.

All right, fellas,
think nothin' of it there.

Sit down, sit down.
Sorry, I lost my head here.

That's all right.
Think nothin' of it.

Guys like that, you know...

You need another double?
Yeah, yeah.

Once again here
on the double
-year-old scotch.

And a beer for you, huh?
I still got two left.

Well, then, all you need
is two more.

And I'll get you
a sandwich to go with it.

Here's the sandwich.
There's only one there.
There you go.

Hey, hey,
what's the matter here?

Geez, the sandwiches
went awful fast,
didn't they?

Yeah, they sure did.

How many?

Five.

Five. At two dollars a throw,

that makes...

somewheres in the neighborhood
of ten dollars.

Take it out of my salary.

( muttering )
No, no, Arch,

he's the father
of your grandchild.

How do I know that?!

I need four
sandwiches.

Three ham, and one
lettuce and tomato.

We ain't got no sandwiches left,

and we never had
no lettuce and tomato.

Wait, wait. Come here.

Who the hell is
the lettuce and tomato?

That guy over there.

Oh...

I'll get he didn't
come on to you, neither.

No.
Oh.

If Lettuce and Tomato
starts headin' for
that men's toilet,

you let me know.

You circulate here.

Relax and savor your drink.

Save it for what?
I want to drink it.

You know, Jack,
you're stupid,
but you're loyal.

Yeah, it's true.

ARCHIE:
Announcement, everybody.

Before the second half
starts here,

I just want to take
the opportunity

to express my,
whaddyacallit, gratitude,

and depreciation
to all my loyal friends

and customers here
who are here with me today

to share with me in watching
this magnificent sportin' event.

( applause )

What I would like to do
is to raise a toast--

toast, toast--

yeah, and my toast is to
a happy new year,

which as you all know
just recently commenced, see,

and may it have
brotherly love

and-and-and friendship

and good feelings
and long life...

to all. Bottoms up.

ALL: Bottoms up.
Salud.

Okay.

Arch,
that was beautiful.

I didn't know
you had it in ya.

Don't be sloppin'.

Now that I got them
to empty their glasses,

you go get 'em
to fill 'em up again.

All right.

Who needs a drink?

ALL: Five, four,

three, two, one!

TV: ( g*n sh*t )

And there's the g*n
ending the game.

Super Bowl XII is history.

Hey! Hey!
I win the pool!

I win the pool!
Five hundred bucks!

More important than that,

we're takin' in here
over a thousand dollars.

This may go to $ here.

Twelve hundred
smackaroos?
That's right.

And we're stickin' it all
right into that bank suppository

as soon as we get a chance.

Hey, Arch, don't you think
this calls for drinks
on the house?

You're damn right--
one for you and one for me.

Hey, pal, I'd like
to say a few words

to all the customers
before anyone leaves, okay?

Oh, sure, sure.

Hey, announcement!
Announcement there.

My new buddy here--
what's your name again?

Just call me Sam.

My new buddy here Sam,

before anybody leaves,
he wants to say a few words
to ya there,

so hang on for this,
because you never know,

the guy might spring for
a round of drinks for everybody.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

I just want to say that
this is a hold-up,

so nobody move.

( all laugh )

( fires g*n, patrons scream )

I ain't kiddin'.

Now, if anyone
tries to leave,

I guarantee they'll be detained
at the door by my partner.

( g*nsh*t, screams )

Hey! You're sh**t' holes
in our ceiling!

You want I should
put a hole in him?

You wouldn't want that,
would you, stupid?

No,
stick to the ceiling.

All right.

Everybody remove your watches.

And take your money and your
wallets out of your pockets

and put it on the tables.

You, girly.
Me?

Yeah, you.
You got somethin' in there?

Sure.
What?

Me.

Well, I thought
I saw somethin' green.

Whaddya, got one of
them Muppets in there?

Take this bag.
Drop your tray.

Drop it!
Put the money in there.

And go get the valuables.
Go ahead, move it!

And I'll take this.

Sweetheart...

amble over here
and take care of this.

Where's your gold?

Uh--oh, yeah.
Wait a second.

I, uh--

Arch, here's the ten dollars
you wanted for the sandwiches.

Oh, thanks, meathead.

I'll take that.

And perchance
is there something left
in the cash register?

There ain't nothin'!
You got it all,
you cleaned me out!

Open it.
Oh, all right.

See? There ain't
nothin' in there.

Perhaps there's something
hidden under the cash drawer?

There ain't nothin' under--

well, there is
my lucky buck here,

but geez, I wouldn't
want to lose that.

Why? It ain't doin' you
no good.

Very true.

Awright, out from
behind the bar.

Yeah, out from
behind the bar. Geez.

Now everybody
drop your pants.

( all groan, protest )

( fires g*n )
Aaaah!

Drop the pants,
drop the pants.

Now Simon says...
put your hands on your heads.

I said both hands.

Couldn't you spare
the other one?

Okay, I don't want
none of you to move
for five minutes.

How we gonna tell five minutes?
You stole everybody's watch!

You count!

One, Mississippi,

two, Mississippi--

everybody!--
three, Mississippi,

ALL: ...four Mississippi,

five, Mississippi,
six, Mississippi,

seven, Mississippi,
eight, Mississippi,

nine, Mississippi,
ten, Mississippi,

eleven, Mississippi,
twelve Mississippi,

thirteen, Mississippi,
fourteen, Mississippi...

Arch.
What, Mississippi?

They're gone.
I'm puttin' my pants on.

Do you want them
to come back
and k*ll you, Mississippi?

At least I'll be found
with my pants on, Mississippi.

( counting continues )

( dialogue inaudible
under audience laughter )

( counting continues )

What's going on?

Daddy, what game
are you playing?

Don't ask no questions,
little girl!

We just gotta stand like this
for the next four minutes!

EDITH: What happened?

There was
an armed robbery here!

Ahhhh!
Two guys came in here,
held us up,

and made us drop our pants.

Oh, no!

Honey, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
That's terrible, Michael.

Was anybody hurt?

Everybody was hurt, Edith!

We was all wounded
right in our wallets!

Oh, my,
pull up your pants.

All right, geez!

Edith, this is
the worst day of my whole life.

After all the--owww!

Will you let me do this?

I know where everything goes.

Ahhh...

Oh, poor Archie.

Twelve hundred dollars gone
like that.

But I wanna tell ya,

the most humiliating thing
of all, Edith...

What?

Of all this crowd
of men here...

I had the worstest-lookin'
shorts.

Yeah.

But you had
the bestest-lookin' legs.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And I heard a man over there
sayin' he thought
you did, too.

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.