08x18 - Love Comes to the Butcher

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

( whistling, tapping b*at to
Saber Dance by Khachaturian )

( whistling, tapping
continues )

Do you have to
whistle like that?

Don't you like music?

If that's music, a tea kettle
is a pipe organ.

Besides, you're coolin' off
my soup here.

( whistles briefly )

Here we are,
pork chops!

Oh, boy, that's
my favorite.

Gloria, how come
we never have
pork chops at home?

Because they're
two dollars a pound.

Ooh, I got these today
at Klemmer's for
cents a pound.

No, Ma, I was at Klemmer's
butcher shop this morning,

and they was
two dollars a pound.

Oh, it was an
afternoon special.

An afternoon special?

Yeah, he's always doing
interesting things
like that.

Last Wednesday, I was
the th customer
of the month.

Tell them, tell them.

And he gave me a special
on sirloin steak,

a dollar a pound!

I don't see how he
can afford to sell
at those prices.

What's do,
grow his own beef?

Maybe it's his way
of advertising.

Oh, no, he told me
not to say a word
to nobody.

'Cause he don't want
the people coming in
just for the specials.

Why even think
about it?

Butchers is
like bus drivers
and band leaders,

they're all looney.

I feel sorry for him.

He lost his wife last year
and he misses her
something terrible.

Oh, what'd she die of?

Well, she cut her finger
while she was slicing baloney.

She was helping him
in the store.

Ah, jeez.

And then it got infected.

Not the baloney--her finger.

And the story is--
We're off to the races.

Ma, these days
people don't die
from an infected finger.

No, she didn't.

We're at the post...

See, she was
going to the drugstore
for some iodine--

And we're in
the startin' gate...

And this car hit her while
she was crossing the street.

We're off and runnin'.

And that k*lled her?

Certainly not.

How would you know?

Because we ain't even reached
the quarter pole yet.

Well, the car that hit her
was an ambulance.

And we're in
the clubhouse turn...

So they put her into it,
then they rushed her
to the hospital.

We're in the stretch...

And the next day,
that's where she d*ed.

Photo finish.

No...food poisoning.

See, Mr. Klemmer said
it was the bad meat

they gave her to eat
at the hospital.

Why zero in
on the bad meat?

Anything they give you
at the hospital
is liable to k*ll you.

Or send you home
looking like a tree.

He's such a nice man.
Oh, we have so much fun
talking things over.

Wait a minute,
I forgot the rose!

I wonder Mr. Klemmer's
doing all these things
for Ma.

I told you before,
he's looney.

I think you better
face facts, Arch.

You're married to
a very loveable woman.

Well, that
loveable woman's

married to
a very loveable guy.

Boy, are you smug.

I'm what?

Smug. You're smug.

No, that ain't me,
little girl.

That's the Hungarian
cheese your mother bought.

No, Daddy.

Don't you think it's
possible that another man
could find Ma attractive?

Well, anything
is possible.

But I mean, for her
going for another guy,

why should she go
for beer when she's
already got champagne?

You really are smug.

Hey, Edith, will you
come get this cheese
the hell out of here?

Open the window,
little girl, it's
starting to get to me.

Mrs. Bunker, what a nice
surprise to see you here.

Oh, hello, Mr. Klemmer.
I'm always here
on Thursday.

Yes, I know.

You look just
beautiful today,

like a prime rib roast.

[GIGGLES]

I mean that
as a compliment.

They're $ . a pound.

$ . . Oh, my.
Thank you very much.

But if you come in
before : tomorrow,
$ . .

I'll be there.
[GIGGLES]

Oh, allow me.

Oh, no, no!
No, please!
Please!

No, I take pleasure
in doing it.

Oh, Mr. Klemmer.

You know,

you have a wonderful smile,
Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Klemmer.

My name is Albrecht.

Albreth?

Albrecht. But you
can call me Al.

Oh. Al...

Excuse me.

You know, you remind me
very much

of my darling Greta,
may she rest in peace.

Very much like her.

Oh.

You know something,
Mr. Klemmer?

Eh, eh!

Oh, Al.

You oughta find yourself
another Greta.

Who would want to have
a worn-out old buck like me?

Oh, there are lots of women
who'd like to have a worn-out
old buck like you.

Mrs. Bunker?

Edith.

Edit.

Edith.

Edit...th.

Are you telling me
that I have a "chanth"?

Sure.

Of course.

When I was a little girl,

my mother always used to
tell me that if you wish
for something hard enough,

you're gonna get it.

Oh, and I'll never forget
a doll that I wanted
in a toy store.

Oh, it was
a beautiful doll.

She had real hair
and she wore pearls,

and she said "Mama"
and she wet.

[GIGGLES]

How I wished for
that doll.

And you got it?

No.

The girl that lived
next door to me got it.

I guess she wished
harder than me.

Oh, I wish I could
buy you that doll.

Oh.

It was the last one
they had.

I can't get over how much
you remind me of Greta.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

We had such wonderful
times together.

We liked the same things...

Chinese food,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

the Andrews Sisters.

[GASPS] I love
the Andrews Sisters!

You do?

♪ Don't sit under
the apple tree ♪

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah! ♪

Oh, yes, you know,
Greta, Greta and I,

we used to sing all
these songs.

Greta played the piano,
we sang--

Oh, Archie and me
do that!

- You do?
- Yeah!

I play and he sings.
You oughta come over
and join us sometime.

Oh, I would enjoy that.

Good.
How about tonight?

- You mean that?
- Yeah!

We'll sit around
and have coffee and cake,

and then we'll
sing old songs.

You mean,
we'll sing like--

Yeah! How about : ?

You...you mean...

sing like we used to?

Mrs. Bunker...

Edith.

Edit...th.

You have no idea

how happy
you have made me.

[SNIFFS]

Here you go,
honey.

Edith, I'm off
and I'm in a hurry.

Where are you going?

I'm going down
to the saloon, Edith.

That kid called in sick.
Harry's alone.

Archie, Mr. Klemmer
is coming over tonight!

Who?

Mr. Klemmer,
the butcher.

Oh, the guy that
all the dogs are
always following?

Yeah. We were supposed
to sit around

and then sing,
and have an evening.

I told you about it.

Edith, you can't hold me
to things like that.

You know I never listen
to what you tell me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ooh, what am I
gonna tell him?

Tell him not to grind
so much fat
in his hamburgers.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

You gonna answer it?
You wanna run upstairs and hide,

then I'll holler "Yoo-hoo,
Edith, your date is here!"

Oh, Archie!

Coming!

Oh, good evening,
Mr. Klemmer. Come in.

You know my husband,
Archie.

Yes, I do.

At ease there, Klemmer.

I hardly recognize you
without your bloody apron.

Mr. Klemmer likes
to be called Al.

Oh, yeah? Why?

'Cause that's his name.

I brought you
a present.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that!

Why not?

It's a standing
rib roast.

Oh, thank you
very much.

Why don't you take off
your coat and sit down?

I'll put this
in the fridge.

Archie, did you know
Mr. Klemmer was born
in Germany?

Oh, yeah,
something told me, yeah.

When I was over your way,
you know, during WW II,
the big one,

I was in the, eh,
I was in the Air Corps there,

and we sure dropped
a lot of hardware
on youse Jerries-- uh...

uh, Krauts...
well, you know.

You know what youse are,
you know.

I, uh, put some coffee on,

and we'll have some
nice oatmeal cookies.

And I brought this.

Oh, look at all these
wonderful old songs!

Oh! They don't write songs
like this no more.

I hope you play
in the key that I sing.

[LAUGHS]

I hope you sing
in the key that I play.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I, uh, I hate
to leave in the middle of all
this "hillalarity" here,

but I gotta go to work.

Wait a minute, Archie!
Here's one you like.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When I'm calling you ♪

♪ Huh huh huh ♪

♪ I won't be back till two ♪

♪ Nothing but all of my love ♪

♪ To you ♪

[HUMMING ' s SONG]

What do you mean by that?

Huh?

Uh--nothin'. Nothin'.

Just, uh,
let's take a break here,

I just think I'll make
a call to home, huh? Yeah.

Hey, Barney,
how's it going?

Oh, hi there,
Barney old buddy.

Come on in,
belly up to the bar here.

What can we serve you,
old pal,

a nice cold brew?

[CRYING]

Gee, Barney!

Maybe you need
something stronger, huh?

[SOBBING]
Oh, boy, Harry,

get him somethin' there.

Hey, Barney, Barney,

come on there, old pal.

Barney, this ain't you.

Hey, what happened?

[CRYING] Nothing.

I can't talk about it.

Oh, come on, Barney.
Hey, we're pals here.

You gotta share your
troubles with your pals.

Well, unless you
want a loan or
something like that.

Come on, Barney.

Tell us.

My wife left me.

[SOBS]

Oh.

Oh, Barney, no.

Not Mabel.

No, Blanche!

What am I gonna do,
Arch?

Well, Barney, jeez,
I think the question is...

what did you do to her?

I didn't do nothing
to her.

Barney, you must've
said something.

I don't see how
I could have.

I hardly ever
talk to her.

[SOBS]

Barney, eh,
is it another guy?

Well, the exterminator
came over to the house.

He sprayed a couple
of times, you know,

knocked off the termites,
knocked off the cockroaches.

And it looks like he
knocked off Blanche.

What am I gonna do, eh?

Well, for starters,
I wouldn't pay
the exterminator bill.

I really miss her, Arch.

Like the old philosopher
says, you know,

a woman is like a street car...

the oceans are full of 'em.

Yeah, but not
like Blanche.

Not like Blanche.

You see, I miss Blanche
like you'd miss Edith.

Eh, the trouble
with women is

you never know what
they're thinkin' or
what they're gonna do.

Yeah.

♪ What a wonderful day ♪

♪ For you and me ♪

♪ Church bells will chime ♪

♪ You will be mine ♪

♪ In apple blossom time ♪

You know something?

I am having
a wonderful time.

Me, too.
Here's a cute one.

♪ Mares eat oats
and does eat oats ♪

♪ And little lambs
eat ivy ♪

♪ A kid'll eat ivy too,
wouldn't you? ♪

You know, I have
a confession to make.

I never know
what the song means.

Neither do I.

Listen, listen.
Listen, listen.

This one is for you.

[SINGING IN GERMAN]

Oh!

[SINGING IN GERMAN]

Oh!

I feel like I'm at
The Lawrence Welk Show.

That's beautiful.
What does it mean?

It means...

"I kiss your hand, madame,

and dream it would be more."

Ahh.

Ohhhh.

Ohhhhh...

You have such
beautiful hands.

Oh, here's a nice song.

No, no, please.

No more music.
Let's just talk.

Oh, all right.

You know, all the times
you have been coming
into the--into the shop,

I was hoping for a time
like this

where we could be alone
together.

Oh, you shouldn't talk
like that, Mr. Klemmer.

"Al," liebchen.

Al-lebe-shen.

You don't--you don't know,

you don't know what
I feel for you.

- Oh, no!
- Edit...th.

Please, no!

Mr. Lebe-shen--
I mean, Mr. Klemmer.

Uh, I-I ain't interested
in nothing like that.

But this morning,
you said I had a chance.

Oh, but not with me.

I meant somebody else
out there.

Oh!

I better give you back
your standing rib roast.

No, no, no, no.

That's for you to keep.

I-I am so sorry, I--

I am deeply embarrassed.

Oh, me too.

Oh, my.

I'm sorry,
dear Mr. Klemmer.

Why? Why are you
sorry, for what?

For being so dumb.

I should have known.
Pork chops, cents a pound.

Hi, Edith,
I'm home.

Archie!

Ooh! For me?

Why, certainly
they're for you.

You didn't think I'd bring
them in for him, did you?

Oh, they're beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

I'll put them in water.

How about coffee, Edith?

Coffee would k*ll them.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

Well, wonder how late
it's getting to be

for anybody who's
gotta go home.

Quarter to ten!

I made some fresh coffee.

It'll be ready in a minute.

I'm sorry,
I can't stay.

I had a wonderful time.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Good-bye, Mr. Klemmer.

Well, good night,
Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know,
like they say, uh,
"alveedazoom."

You know...

you have a wonderful wife.

Yeah.

Well, you really didn't
have to tell me that.

Well, now that I got to
know you there, Klemmer,

when I'm passing your
butcher store there,

I'll give you
a wave hello,
you know,

and you can wave
back to me,

only don't wave
with the cleaver in
your hand, you know?

Well...
[GERMAN]

Eh?

Be happy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
thanks very much.
Yeah.

I-I'll do that, yeah.

Thank you for
the beautiful flowers.

Oh, hey, Edith,
you deserve them, huh?

Hey...

it's funny about some
of them Germans, huh?

I mean, they're jolly
and friendly and all
of that, but...

they just can't tell
the difference between,
uh...

what belongs to them
and what belongs
to the next guy.

Archie, are you jealous?

Oh, no, Edith!
Why would I be jealous?

You're just being nice
to a lonely guy there.

Nah, you know me, Edith.

Jeez.

So what was you doing
here tonight, huh?

Oh, just...

we sat around and sang.

Yeah, sitting on
a piano bench, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I played
and we sang songs.

He sang me a song
in German.

What'd he sing you,
a march?

It was...

♪ Da da, da da da da ♪

♪ Madame ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember that old thing.

Yeah, it went, um...

♪ In dreams I kiss
your hand ♪

♪ Madame ♪

♪ Your dainty fingertips ♪

♪ And when in slumberland ♪

♪ Madame ♪

♪ I'm longing for
your lips ♪

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, oh.

Well, what are you thinking
about there, Edith?

[SIGHS]

I was thinking about...

where I'm gonna
buy my meat now.

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.